One Minute Review: Diary of the Dead


A disappointment, in the same vein as the very-poor-indeed Land of the Dead. Diary of the Dead focuses far too heavily on the survivors – all of whom are irritating stereotypes. We have the geek, the macho jock, the Texan beauty queen and, hysterically enough, the bow and arrow-wielding professor with his terrible English accent.

Worst of all, we have the man holding the camera. Romero’s point about this generation of rubbernecked, car crash watching youtube-addicts is all well and good – but when a pretty girl is being chased by a zombie only metres away and the cameraman (himself a character in the movie) decides to just keep rolling rather than intervene with a sharp implement to the eye socket, any realism sought through the use of digital camera imagery is blown out of the water.

Still, for all that, there are zombies. But the sad thing is, there aren’t many of them. Nowhere near enough of them and at no point do we get a whole load of them swarming towards us – the essential visual when you consider the genre.

Still, there is a really good bit where they use those ECG things you use to jump start a heart on a zombies head, making her eyes pop out like strawberry angel delight – so for that alone it’s worth renting. But a much better and more considered undead film shot from the first person is The Zombie Diaries, an under-the-radar British oddity.

And it’s got Dr Legg in it.

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168 Responses to “One Minute Review: Diary of the Dead”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    *is deeply aware that everyone’s bored of zombies*

    I wish Eastenders would get a zombie plot line.

  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No, zombies are good, I’m just busy and have nothing to add.

  3. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    But yes, Eastenders could do with having all of its characters recycled monthly by a different apocalypse each time – zombies, national socialism, a massive outbreak of The SuperAIDS or all three combined could all be used to keep it fresh and exciting.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I just want to see a rampaging, decomposing Phil Mitchell sinking his rotten teeth into his own mothers neck as Keith stumbles about in the background with an arm missing.

  5. george Says:

    Is this a new film out or something?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    It’s the latest Romero – in the cinemas a while ago, just out on DVD (and illegal download, so I hear)…

    *nudge nudge*

  7. george Says:

    Might give it a go, sounds like a laugh. His last one had zombie ripping out belly button action, which was also a laugh. And it’s bound to be better then the new Indiana Jones, I’m going to sue somebody for that waste of time.

  8. badgermadge Says:

    hang on. didn’t someone review this a while ago? saying it was god-awful??? or are they all amalgamating?

    i dreamed about zombies t’other night. hate zombie films, don’t find them remotely scary. but this dream fucked me right up.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    That was Flight of the Living Dead. But yes, they are all amalgamating into one rotten mess…

    Tonight I am downloading the George Lamb Radio6 music podcast to review.
    Why I do this to myself, i don’t know.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I thought I’d already reviewed this? Or did I just tell you it was shit? I forget.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Or was it Day of the Dead? That’s shit as well – both versions. They’re all shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shititty shit.

  12. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Haha ‘titty shit’.

    *is 13*

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I think Chipz did Plane Dead and you mentioned Day of…
    You’re right, that was shit.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Chipz’s latest post is very good, by the way.

  15. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I can confirm that fact.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Well that’s nice. It’s good to have back-up from a big nosed, curly-haired freak with boggly eyes, a bad attitude and dandruff (no doubt).

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – is that a description of me or Chipz?

  18. badgermadge Says:

    Zombies on a Plane of the Dead? Eh? *confused*

  19. Napoleon Says:

    It was a description of Wagonwheel. That little bastard.

  20. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I see you’re a sex criminal of the ‘treat ’em mean to keep ’em keen’ philosophy, Napoleon.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    No doubt I am, Wagonwheel. Whatever that means.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    It’s all gawn a bit quiet here.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    It’s Monday… a bad patch as usual.
    I can’t get the music of Carly Simon out of my head.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    You’re So Vain’s another good ‘un. She’s got a nice voice has Carly Simon.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    It’s bloody rubbish is this.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Is a bit.

    But then. It’s Monday. Most of you alcoholics are all coming down from high-spirited but barely remembered weekends, unlike me – teetotal Swineshead… revelling in the sunshine and up at the crack of dawn.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    How come you’ve gawn all teetotal? Has the doctor sounded the last hoorah on your liver or something?

  28. Swineshead Says:

    No the Doctor’s not got involved. But I had a long dark night of the soul two weeks ago and vowed ‘never again’ and weirdly, this time, it’s stuck.

    I’m still addicted to angel dust so it’s not having that big an impact.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    A long dark night of the soul? I have them every weekend – doesn’t make me turn my back on the bottle.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    The bottle’s turned its back on me.


  31. Napoleon Says:

    I find that highly unlikely. Booze just doesn’t do that to its disciples. You got drunk and pelted your walls with the stuff you dug out of your own arse didn’t you? You’re a disgrace … have a beer.

  32. george Says:

    I’m trying to quit smoking. Though the problem is nicotine is highly addictive, and I shouldn’t have started in the first place. Why don’t they put this on the packet or something?

  33. Swineshead Says:

    *ignores Napoleon’s classic alcoholic’s diversionary tactic, used to mask his own rampant alcoholism*

    Smoking’s a different kettle of fish, George. You can’t just abandon nicotine as it part-owns you.

  34. george Says:

    That’s true, I’ve tried a number of things and none of them work. Well done on giving up the alcohol though, your livers going to like you even if Napoleon doesn’t.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I tell you what the most interesting aspect is – hanging about with your mates while they’re drinking. You can see Jekyll peeking around Hyde.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I gave up fags, George. I’d smoked for nearly twenty years, and had a hundred a day habit. So that makes me better than you (YOU).

    Go on, Swineshead, have a half at least.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll have a shandy.

  38. george Says:

    I noticed that, I walked through Northampton town centre a couple of weeks back after seeing a late showing of some film or other, it was weird as hell, I’m used to walking around at that time but as I’m usually pissed you don’t notice how blatantly drunk everybody else is acting.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    A shandy? What are you, a woofter? Have a man’s drink – a Newcastle Brown Ale or a foaming pint of Old Peculiar. Go on. GO ON.

  40. george Says:

    I smoke four cigarettes a day, and another three a night, which means I’ll only get diet cancer.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Shandy’s nice. Old Peculiar – that’s a tempting ale.

    Go on then, make it a bitter shandy.

  42. george Says:

    Bollocks, George Carlin’s died!

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Well that’s Bill & Ted III scuppered.

  44. mostlylouche Says:

    I have a zombie toe, i smashed it up while surfing and now it is the digit of the living dead. It scares me.

  45. Swineshead Says:


    *fires up news sites*

  46. Napoleon Says:

    A zombie toe? Don’t they fall off when they go all dead? I thought they fell off? Or is that frostbite?

    They fall off, don’t they?

  47. mostlylouche Says:

    Would you like me to keep a diary of it?

    I think I may have to go to the doctor if it doesn’t start to get better soon – since it doesn’t have any brains how do you kill a zombie toe?

  48. Swineshead Says:

    You have to cut it off using your trusty machete, I’m afraid Louche….

  49. mostlylouche Says:

    I think you are right, if I do chop it off (for going bad of course) I’ll replace it with a minature chainsaw like that chap did in that film.

    That is an excellent zombie film, they should make more films like that.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I’m sure it’ll fall off if it’s really dead, Louche. I’ve started to think I’ve got bollock cancer after developing a weird pain in my left bollock. I’m monitoring the situation by trying to ignore it as best I can, hoping it’ll go away, and not telling the doctor about it. If you never hear from me again, this method of home medical treatment hasn’t worked.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Evil Dead? So shit they made it twice?

    *sees pigeons*
    *reaches into sack*
    *pulls out cat*
    *releases cat among pigeons*

  52. Swineshead Says:

    There’re three Evil Deads…you complete idiot.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    And is the third a remake of the other two? No, no it isn’t. My ‘so shit they made it twice’ refers to the first two films being the same bloody film.

    You idiot.

  54. mostlylouche Says:

    Napoleon – I have exactly the same attitude towards going to the doctor. The closest I get to treatment is waiting for a less macho friend to have roughly the same injury and then see what the Doctor tells them.

    If anyone feels like getting a nasty case of Zombie Toe and then going to A&E with it that would be very helpful.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    The second isn’t a remake of the first. The second has a recap of the first that lasts… oooh, ten minutes.

    And yes, it changes the story slightly as they had a much bigger budget for part two, you hopeless, shit-encrusted alcoholic.

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Evil Dead is an entertaining enough film, and some of the camerawork rocks. But it does have the odd boring stretch. I think those were cleverly put in so you could get another drink. Thusly, for Swinshead that film will never be the same again.

    I have to tend bar tonight for a year 13 ball. I’m going to sneer at every chav who asks for ice in his cider.

  57. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Then my casual conversation while I pour can be ‘So, I see you’re a slave to advertising.’

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – It’s the best way. My missus broke her ankle a couple of years ago, so I now know what I’m going to have to do if I end up with a similar injury. Her treatment involved surgery, plaster casts and what-have-you – mine will involve a bottle of Lamb’s Navy Rum, a stanley knife, a hammer, a wooden thing to bite down on, and perhaps the noise of a massive naval engagement booming overhead.

  59. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’d just lie down in a shell-scrape full of stinking slime, snort some gunpowder as starburst flares lit me up for kraut artillery before screaming as a procession of medics crawled out to cut my leg off with a hatchet and cauterise the stump with hot tar and were picked off one by one by gattling guns and mustard gas.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    First film – People turn up at house, shit hits fan, people die, man who can’t act wins the day.
    Second film – Same man as last time turns up at house with his missus, shit hits fan, missus dies, man who can’t act wins the day in the same way as first film.

    Yes, they’re radically different, aren’t they?

    *sits back to await Swineshead’s obsessive defence of his beloved Evil Dead movies (which are a big pile of shit, especially the medieval one)*

  61. Swineshead Says:

    As they sip their cider while you WORK, they will respond ‘At least I ain’t a slave to ‘the man’, drone’.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    *can’t be arsed*

  63. Swineshead Says:

    (It’s not a house, it’s a LOG CABIN – get it right, Perry)

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I have to confess to owning The Book Of The Dead.

    SH, these kids will be off their faces after their first blue alcopop, they’re more likely to say ‘MHWHRGGGHG!’ vomit on the marble floor and then ask for another. It’s a fucking nice bar though, built this year, long thick oak surfaces, halogen-lit, no dodgy pumps.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Ho ho! But I know it hurts, oh yes, I know. AND your stupid Romero films are cack as well. I’m thinking in particualr of that awful shopping centre one. A waste of money.

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Where is it? Eh? I’ll not be turning up, don’t worry – I’ve got about 30 quid to live off for the next seven days.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    £30 to live on for seven days? Are you on the bloody dole or something?

  68. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I’m thinking in particualr’

    I’ve no idea how you managed to think like that. Does ‘I’m thinking in particualr’ mean ‘I’m thinking of a load of shit, through a shit-filter’?

  69. dave Says:

    Both films are the same except the second parodies the first. No recap will ever change this. You get the cool bridge shot in the second one but, erm, the tree scene isn’t as disturbing…

  70. Napoleon Says:

    *notices ‘particualr’ in last insult*


  71. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – wrong.

    And vaguely xenophobic.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, that’s right! Pick me up on that, why don’t you? It still doesn’t change the fact that your Romero films are tommyrot of the first order. You arse.

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Leigh Park Hotel. If you fancy a trip to Wiltshire I can give you a free drink. I might be tempted to rohypnol it and lock you in the cellar with Manuel, the gruff Spanish night porter, but I think it’d be more fun seeing you try to look louche in a room full of black-tied monkeys.

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    How’s the current racist leaderboard looking at the moment, by the way?

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s not wrong. The second one’s a bloody remake of the first, done for more money. If it’s a sequel, how come he doesn’t mind going back to the same place where all his friends and his missus died last time? I had a fucking rotten ‘oliday at a Pontins once, and you wouldn’t catch me going back there.

  76. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Obviously both ‘current’ and ‘at the moment’ were necessary.

    As T.S. Eliot said:

    Time present and time past
    Are both perhaps present in time future,
    And time future contained in time past.
    If all time is eternally present
    All time is unredeemable.

    What a cunt.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    It has a ten minute recap in which the first film is rewritten (without college friends – just his missus). Then it’s a different film. AS WE ALL KNOW.

    If I had a hangover you might have irritated me. As it is, I’m fresh as a daisy and not reacting. Have you noticed, or is your ruddy-cheeked, alcoholic brain not responding to my temperance, NC?

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You are marvellously relaxed today, SH.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Typical of a student to think he’s impressing us by knowing some poetry. Here’s some for you, Wagonwheel. I think it was me wot said:

    Wagonwheel’s a bag of arse
    With awful curly hair.
    He no doubt has dandruff too,
    And pushes stuff up his own arse.
    Like wot Piqued does.

    You cunt.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    It’s wierd, because when I watched it, it was the same film throughout. I could be wrong, as I’ve only seen Evil Dead II once – unlike Swineshead, who sits obsessively wanking about zombies as he watches Evil Dead II for the umpteenth time that week (with his dole money). Nerd.

    Same film.

  81. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve got a national poetry prize, yeah? Push that up your arse. I was 14, to be fair, and the poem was the sort of predictable, depressing self-centred shite wot them My Chemical Romance types would use as lyrics.

    My hair isn’t curly, by the way.

  82. Swineshead Says:

    ‘wierd’ was it?

    I don’t know what that means.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Weird, then.

    Same film.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    I’m afraid i’ll have to take your first answer.


  85. dave Says:

    Plus, the overview in the third has no bearing on the canon of the first two . They just make some S Mart tosh up for comedic purposes. That’s a truth.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – Your paltry poetry prize is nothing compared to my 1986 General Accident Road Safety Poster Competition (regional finals) win. As I was romping my way to a stunning victory that would see me ten pounds richer, and my school the owners of a complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannicas (a matter I’m still, twenty two years later, furious about), you were nought but a twinkle in the milkman’s eye. I’m better, that’s what I’m saying here.

  87. dave Says:

    I have a poem published in a 1993 hardback. It’s one of them where they get idiots to write flowery tosh and then sell it back to you. That’s how they make their money, the bastards, it’s a con.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – well done. You’ve noticed that the recap on both Evil Dead II and Mediaeval Dead contain events differing to the preceding film.

    This doesn’t affect my enjoyment of it… maybe if I was a pedant living in Manchester and writing blogs for JQW this might bother me. Luckily I’m not.

    Not you, I mean. Because I’m me.

  89. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Ah, like the poetry version of Debrett’s’ ‘People Of Today’.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Pedant, he says. And that’s after pointing out two of my typos. You black pot kettle calling bastard.

    They’re the same films, the first two. The third’s unwatchable, of course, as are the vast majority of zombie films.

    I’ve not had a poem published, unless you count that son of a bitch KISS thing I did at Christmas. That was a pain in the arse.

  91. dave Says:

    I used that point to defunk yours, you cockney git. Who brought the topic up anyway? I only watch the sod when I’m stoned, and Dusk Til Dawn’s not to hand. Bibble.

  92. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I doubt he’s overly cockney, having grown up in Lincolnshire.

    Do you have a copy of your 1986 General Accident Road Safety Poster?

  93. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Also, what is a general accident? Is that a cover-up for an embarassing medical complaint i.e. ‘Ah, do come in. Now, what seems to be the problem?’ ‘I’ve, erm, had an accident.’ ‘Oh yes, what kind of accident?’ ‘Oh, you know, just a…general accident.’ ‘I see. One moment. Nurse! Get my anal intruders.’

  94. Napoleon Says:

    I believe my mother has preserved a photograph of that particular masterpiece for the ages, Wagonwheel. I shall have to retrieve it when I make my annual Christmas visit.

  95. dave Says:

    Lincolnshire cockneys are the worst kind of cockneys. They plat sheep’s ballsacks whilst singing about boiled beef and carrots.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    “Also, what is a general accident?”

    It’s an insurance firm, Wagonwheel. Made world famous by having a no-mark British illustrator win one of its crappy prizes in the mid-80s.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Lincolnshire Cockney’?
    There is no such thing.

    Not many sheep in Lincolnshire either. Sugar beet, yes. Sheep, no.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Sheep, Dave? Don’t you mean vegetables or pigs? If you are going to rip the piss out of a region, at least try getting what its famous for right before you start.

  99. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m just intrigued to see how you do a poster covering all aspects of safety. Was it just a man lying in bed with a thumbs-up symbol?

  100. Swineshead Says:

    Regionalist that was, Dave. Nice to know your prejudices don’t stop at skin colour but extend to invisible shire borders.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    I’m thinking of composing a dossier on this Dave character.

    Wagonwheel – It portrayed a hillside with a winding road full of car crashes and anatomically incorrect cartoon people covered in blood. It was rubbish, quite frankly, but a winner all the same. Sorry … a regional winner.

  102. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I though Lincolnshire was sparsely populated by pigs, horses, crops, ditches, stately homes, mud and wandering herds of BBC period drama.

  103. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    A regional winner, 1986, no less.

  104. Swineshead Says:

    sparsely populated – tick
    pigs – tick
    horses – half a tick
    crops – big tick
    ditches – we call ’em ‘dikes’
    stately homes – not many (cross)
    mud – big tick
    wandering herds of BBC period drama -eh?

  105. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve only been to Bourne and Stamford, so my idea of stately home population and period drama crews may be biased.

  106. dave Says:

    Lincolnshire enjoys sausage so I should have assumed pigs’d be the main field roaming beast up there. Thing is, I’m beastest as well. I just love the lovely white-haired sheep, the true BRITISH animal – excluding New Zealand ones which are rubbish.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Lincolnshire is populated by vegetables and people who look like vegetables, Wagonwheel. We did use to have a fine collection of stately homes, but the farmers round those parts (who bought the estates from death duty-riddled aristos) couldn’t quite see the point in preserving 18th century architectural masterpieces when they could be replaced with more beet-growing land, so they dynamited them. It’s always been a constant source of joy to me how the British are so willing to demolish their own heritage.

  108. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s sort of like a massive version of the Somerset Levels really. Except we call our dikes ditches, and they’re full of all eels. There’s a swimming race held by inbreds every year where drunk inbreds swim the length of the muddy, eel-infested ditches. I believe their reward is getting covered in all eels and leeches before getting attacked by a swan and beaten up by the loser.

  109. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You and Fred Dibnah both, Napoleon.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think Fred and I would have sung from the same songsheet if we’d crossed swords (NOT man swords – settle down at the back). He used to delight in blowing up our industrial heritage, another bloody travesty that saw towns such as Bradford wrecked for no reason whatsoever.

  111. dave Says:

    All I know about Swinesheads motherland is the great sausage war of 1503, when they sausaged off against cumberland. They lost.

  112. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    AND they paid him to do it. I bet Thatcher gave him a backhander for it. That’s right, I used the old ‘Thatcher-destroyed-the-North’ line. I’m original like that.

  113. dave Says:

    It’s the free market that gave this country the quality of life we’re enjoying today. British industry was making a loss, you fools!

  114. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not actually sure if Lincolnshire is my motherland. Does that mean your mother has to have been born there? Because my mum and dad moved there just before I was born.

    I’m quite happy hailing from that drab county, mind. It’s character-building, all that sugar beet and isolation.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Thatcher destroyed the North. Thanks to her, Northerners now have to work in IT, instead of getting themselves a healthy dose of lung rot after spending ten hours a day under the earth digging for coal. That fucking bitch.

  116. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It worked for Chekhov.

    *nods pretentiously*

  117. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Then they could have got all emphysema to be like Amy Winehouse.

  118. dave Says:

    It’s the land that mothered you, not the land your mother was born in – I fink. Either way, the country sounds a damn-sight more interesting than Warrington.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    The country isn’t more interesting than Warrington, Dave. The country around Lincolnshire had nothing in it save vegetables and that family off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. All you did for entertainment was hang around outside a closed Co-Op, wishing you had enough money to buy a Chinese meal from the shop opposite. And then you’d end up in a fight with a troglodyte whose name ended in ‘obbo’ – Robbo, Dobbo, Lobbo etc. I’ll wager Warrington had more to offer than this.

  120. george Says:

    Motherland is an interesting term, isn’t it? I mean, fatherland makes sense because most western countries were built on paternalism, but women were gnerally seen as inferior in most western societies untill 1996.

  121. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Stop raising the tone, it’s embarassing.

  122. dave Says:

    Well, we call ships ‘her’. Use that logic, it settles me when I reach your level of hysteria.

  123. george Says:

    Yeah, we tend to call possessions ‘her’, that all syncs up with female history of the last 1,500 years.

  124. Swineshead Says:

    On that Texas Chainsaw Massacre note, the farmer down the road from mine (about two miles away – and he was considered a neighbour) was called Mr Mountain. His farm was surrounded by a perimeter electric fence and on every post he’d seen fit to put the head of one of the rabbit’s he’d shot, all of them in varying states of decomposition.

    Didn’t stop us trespassing on his land, mind you.

  125. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Friend of mine’s dad is a farmer. At this time of year, he lies in a hammock by the house with a 12 gauge and picks off starlings.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Motherland’ is used in Russia, George. We don’t refer to Blighty as ‘The Motherland’ or ‘The Fatherland’, and never have done. It’s your bloody Nazis and your bloody Commies that go in for that collective crap. We, the proud and noble British don’t march in step to one tune, unlike that bloody shower over there.

    I think they call ships ‘her’ because sailors want to give ’em one. Or something. Or something else.

  127. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – the starling. Bully of the bird-table, master of the swarm.

    Interesting bird, the starling.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    That farm scared the shit out of me as a boy. I still trespassed there too. Them heads were ‘orrible.

  129. Swineshead Says:

    NC – surely that’s only because we’re confused as to whether we’re British or English…

    And because we’ve been ruled over by a royal family that half of us want kicked out?

  130. george Says:

    Cheers, that makes sense, Napoleon.

  131. dave Says:

    Go to Adam Buxton’s stie and see the Queen clip he’s made for MeeBOX. You will laugh.

  132. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yes. bloody pest though, they bother the sheep and live in the eaves of the house, outbuildings and barns, making annoying chirps at 4:30 in the morning. plus they shit everywhere.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not confused because I’m British. We don’t do confusion in this island – we’re too busy getting on with the job in hand to be confused.

    And anyone who wants our royal family kicked out should be hanged, drawn and quartered, the bloody traitors.

  134. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I stayed at a military camp last summer in training for an endurance hike across Dartmoor, massive flock of starlings had settled in the camp and shat everywhere. The whole place stank so badly that more than half of us came out of the canteen after dinner and puked all over the place on the walk back to the billet.

  135. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Didn’t Saudi recently tell us we should have a referendum on whether or not we still wanted a royal family? That’s got to win a prize for biggest stupidly ironic move of the year.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    So they weren’t all chucking up at the sight of your enormous nose, your monstrous dandruff and your curly hair? I would have vomited at that.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    I’m massively, actively, staunchly indifferent to the royal family. They can do what they want, the rich arseholes.

    Dave – cheers, but I’ve got meebox to watch when I get home.

    11.45? BBC3 is having a laugh. AT MY EXPENSE.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    That wasn’t Saudi, Wagonwheel, it was Audi. Bloody Germans, can’t stop poking their noses in where it ain’t wanted.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    I tried looking at the MeeBox thing. Rubbish, utter rubbish. I’m sure it’s hilarious if you’re either stoned or twenty years old.

  140. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    They do make exceedingly good cars, though.

  141. Swineshead Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with being stoned or 20 years old. Or stoned at any age, for that matter.

    Grow up.

  142. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with it, no. It is rather pathetic to see a man approaching thirty still toking on doobies, mind. A bit childish. A bit ike they should grow up a bit.

    Grow up!

  143. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Ike’, I said ‘ike’. Why do I fucking bother?

  144. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    For the constant adulation you clearly receive from us.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Adulation? You call being insulted by a bunch of layabouts, dimwits, shitbags and Scotch drunkards adulation, do you? I get more adulation from the cat up our street I’ve been attempting to kick up the arse for the last year.

  146. Swineshead Says:


    *spits out coffee*

    There’s a case of ‘speak for yourself’ if ever I heard one.

    As for ‘toking on doobies’ – I suppose if the 30 year old spoke in those terms he might need to grow up a bit.

  147. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s ridiculously muggy here today.

  148. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, so what ridiculous terminology do you employ when indulging in your teenager’s habit? I suppose you only say you’re ‘smoking cannabis’ do you? Yes? YES? Ha ha, I doubt it. It’ll be ‘skunk’ this and ‘pot’ that (I believe that’s what the kids are now calling it). Drugs are the only substances we’ve had to come up with a load of stupid nicknames for – nicknames I’ll wager you still use, you big baby. Grow up and start using an adult’s drug, like cigars or scotch.

  149. dave Says:

    Everything’s good when you’re stoned and twenty years old, you bitter, twisted old git.

  150. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Skunk’s only a nickname in the way ‘bitter’ is a nickname, you halfwit.

    It’s a kind of weed.

    Just because you go pale and gibber like a paranoid dribbler after inhaling a thimbleful of the stuff… y’fucking lightweight.

  151. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    See? Just look at all that adulation.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Bitter is the correct name for bitter, you mongoloid. It’s called bitter to make sure morons like you don’t get it confused with ale. Skunk, on the other hand, is another idiot nickname for cannabis.

    And I used to smoke mountains of cannabis, thanks very much. Then I grew up and stopped using it.

    On a completely different subject, the movie version of Mama Mia has just been described on the telly as ‘unmissable’. I don’t think I’m the only person who comments on here that finds that statement an outrageous lie.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    How is being called a halfwit adulation? That cat (who will one day, you mark my words, get kicked up its arse) doesn’t call me a halfwit.

  154. goerge Says:

    People who use/d cannabis and / or supported cannabis use: Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Hunter Thompson, Bill Hicks.

    People who don’t use cannabis and / or don’t support it: Napoleon, The Daily Mail, East 17.

    I know which group I’d rather play a game of scrabble with.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    East 17? They smoked so much fucking dope you could fill a bloody zeppelin with the stuff.

    And I never said I don’t ‘support’ cannabis use. I said, if you’d bothered to read my comments, George, that it’s a bit sad to be still smoking it when you’re nearly thirty. I have no problem with young guns smoking cannabis – it’s sad sack old fucks like Swineshead still thinking he’s eighteen and not growing up that I find amusing.

  156. HENRY DEAD Says:

    i have pretty much quit drugs now. although i wouldn’t mind doing magic mushrooms again. only did them once and met a girl in a pub on my own after being sacked and after a year of texts i shagged her.

  157. Swineshead Says:

    Interesting stuff there, Henry.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    I see John Leslie’s up to his old tricks again.

  159. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ll not be around much today. Don’t have TOO much fun, now.

  160. george Says:

    That’s what Nazi War Criminals said, Napoleon.

  161. Napoleon Says:

    What did Nazi war criminals say, George? That John Leslie’s up to his old tricks again? I had no idea his raping activities stretched back to the 1940s.

  162. Clarry Says:

    Sorry to bring this scintillating chat back around to BB, but PLEASE say someone saw Mikey’s hilariously cringeworthy stand-up routine last night.

  163. Clarry Says:

    Regarding JL: I’m not surprised, my list never fails me…

  164. Swineshead Says:

    I did see that. I felt sorry for the poor sod. It’s not really fair to put a blind man in a house with a bunch of fuckwits.

  165. Napoleon Says:

    A blind man? John Leslie’s had it away with a blind man now, has he? I thought it was a pissed-up bird at a party? He’s a dirty bugger.

  166. george Says:

    It was the Blitz ridden 1940s, Napoleon, I’d expect he’d take what he could get. What ever happened with Ulrika Johnson? Did they just drop the claims?

  167. Napoleon Says:

    She never made any to the police, George. She claimed she was raped in her autobiography by an unnamed TV presenter, and then Matthew Wright came out and said it was Leslie on his Channel 5 show. It was another woman who accused him formally, and he was found not guilty after the case went to trial.

    Still, that’s neither here nor there in my world. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a rapist.

  168. george Says:

    Aaah, right then, I missed most of that and thought she’d just suggested that leslie had raped her in her autobiography. Wondered why there wasn’t more of an uproar.

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