The Friday Question: Resurrection candidates

by

Keggy Keegan

With the news that Five are encouraging nostlagia-tinged programming with the return of Superstars, Napoleon and I got to thinking about what other rubbish shows from yesteryear should be exhumed and paraded in a second hand manner in order to shatter our rose tinted spectacles and wistful reminisces.

Should 3-2-1 be reanimated? Perhaps with Vernon Kaye presenting and fetishising a badly made Dusty Bin-prop.

Maybe you’d like to see Crackerjack back on the box, with Miquita Oliver encouraging small children to scream the name of the show without pause for half an hour.

Blankety Blank is surely worthy of a reprise. They could get Jimmy Carr to do that – imagine the fun as he makes a joke about gypsies (again) as the collected panel of idiots all titters along.

So – what shows from days-gone-by do you reckon would be worth remaking?

Over to you…

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137 Responses to “The Friday Question: Resurrection candidates”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I’d like to see Every Second Counts come back with Derren Brown as the host. It would be like the old Paul Daniels Every Second Counts, only with a host who fucks with the contestants’ minds as well as asking them questions.

  2. Badger Madge Says:

    I’m sure Vernon Kaye *was* tipped for a remake of 3-2-1 or did I dream it?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like to see Wogan back. With Wogan. Good old Wogan and his enormous penis.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Cop a load of this, girls!

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Vernon Kaye’ll do any old shit. Have you seen Beat the Star?

    Since when was dropping a dried pea in a bottle considered a decent final round for a quiz show?

    I remember the good old days of You Bet when Matthew Kelly would ask people to put down a stake on whether or not a harrier jump jet can land on a golden elephant’s ruby trunk.

  6. Mikey Says:

    I’ll have a T please Bob…

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I used to like the Big Breakfast when Johnny Vaughan was presenting it. It was of its time. If they brought that back with decent presenters I’d watch it. Decent presenters are hard to come by these days…

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I preferred the Vaughan era Big Breakfast too. You could have a laugh at Vaughan’s knockabout mockney humour, whilst furiously masturbating at the thought of what you’d do with Denise Van Outen, the filthy bitch.

    Another candidate for resurrection would be Eldorado. Surely I can’t be the only person in this country who found the show entertaining?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Denise Van Outen was probably top of my ‘would’ list back in the mid to late 90s. Then she went out with that TWAT Jay Kay.

    The best BigB clip was when Vaughan put some heated oil up his nose and all snot came out all over the place.

    Eldorado was only watchable because it had that Fizz woman in it. And the spaniard girl who was going out with Marcos.

    Not that I watched it, like.

    *sniff*

  10. Mikey Says:

    Oh Pilar….I fancied her!!!

  11. Mikey Says:

    She should have her own series…

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Carpet Monster off the Big Breakfast just jumped into my head.

    *tries to remove Carpet Monster with memories of Pilar*

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Check the eyebrows on this little beauty. Imagine her and Wogan…

    *pop*

  14. Mikey Says:

    Marcuuuus was a bad egg…poor innocent lovely Pilar.

  15. Mikey Says:

    ohhh…….. she’s lovely!

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Or ‘Marrrrrcooth’ as the wonderful Pilar would pronounce it.

    Charlie from Eastenders was in Eldorado as well.

  17. george Says:

    They’ve only just recently cancelled Grange Hill but I think it should come back. The problem with it was that they let that Hollyoaks guy start messing about with it, ripped it to bits with a fire and then remade it like Hollyoaks babies or something.

    Sod all that. Draw your influences from things that kids really connect with, like Kidulthood. It could be set in an inner city London school, where even the teachers threaten to stab each other, and could feature Daniel Radcliffe as a 13 year old crack ealer with an alcoholic mother. Draw in lethal Bizzle to remix the theme tune. As it’s a BBC soap opera they shouldn’t have problems showing things like stabbings, rape, excessive hard drug use and STIs at half past five in the afternoon (though a gay kiss story line would be a no no).

  18. Sarah Says:

    Oh Mr.Wogan….. I’ve just picked myself up from the floor….

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been wrestling with a script for a pilot show this week. I’ve called it ‘Miller’s Crossing’, and it’s a sitcom that follows the day-to-day scrapes and japes of Keith and Mickey Miller in their new life as operators of a village railway crossing. The BAFTA’s already in the bag, as far as I’m concerned.

  20. Mikey Says:

    I think El Dorado should be resurrected. Let’s write the script for that….we will base it around Pilar, all the old characters are sacked and so new characters can be brought in. I think we can have Natalie Imbruglia who can play an Aussie tourist…

  21. Napoleon Says:

    The only character I’d want to see back would be Marcus Tandy. There’d be no point bringing back the ladies as they’ll be hags by now. Everyone knows women turn into hags when they get past 28, so you’d need new birds. With big tits.

  22. Mikey Says:

    Impossible!

  23. Mikey Says:

    OK…last bit of El Dorado is Marcuuuuuuth and Pilar sailing away.
    They re emerge in Ibiza (plenty of scope for 18-28 year old “birds” as NC suggests).

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I think this obsession with Pilar is hitting the skids a bit now, Mikey. Are you a stalker?

    I think they should get rid of all TV Chefs and install Keith Floyd as TV Chef Laureate. Imagine him doing The F Word. It’d be infinitely better.

  25. Mikey Says:

    They open a rave club….and Natalie Imbruglia runs a rival club with the help of Penelope Cruz.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Exciting WWM news

    We’re going to have a new banner later today.

    *shits pants*

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I can barely contain my excitement.

    *contains excitement with relative ease*

  28. Mikey Says:

    Actually I’ll have Keith in my new soap. He’s the best TV chef without doubt.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Oh Christ… another update.

    http://eeearache.wordpress.com/

    Mikey – would you PLEASE drop the Eldorado thing and come up with some other throwback TV shows.

  30. Mikey Says:

    Always enjoyed Thriller..scarry stories on a Saturday night.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t remember that one.

  32. Mikey Says:

    Being serious, they did bring back Superstars didn’t they in the last few years? Problem today is that no Professonal sportsmen would take the risk.

  33. Mikey Says:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thriller_(UK_TV_series)

    I was very young and they were frightening!

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Steve Redgrave’s in this new one. He looks fat. Even fatter than when Top Gear ruined his garden.

  35. Mikey Says:

    …and my final suggestion is a non dumbed down, but good old fashioned informative program with NO gimmicks..”Tomorrow’s World”.
    (Not to be confused with Tomorrow’s People).

  36. Mikey Says:

    or even Tomorrow People.

  37. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Bring back Wogan, but not with him presenting it. But still call it Wogan.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    You could still have Wogan and maybe introduce Paul McGann as his sidekick and call it Wogan-McGann.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Or all four McGanns and call it ‘McGann, McGann, Wogan, McGann & McGann’.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    A current affairs one off about snatched children called

    McGann, McGann, Wogan, McGann and McGann Discuss McCann

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Or maybe not…

  42. Swineshead Says:

    What the fu….

    http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/tv/2008/07/so_superstars_is_returning_to.html

  43. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a bloody disgrace. The Guardian are thieving buggers.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    I’m reserving judgement but the inclusion of 3-2-1 is… well…. I’m not sure what it is.

  45. george Says:

    That’s a bit too close to the bone, surely?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve come to the conclusion that anyone who disagrees with me is a twat. So, here’s a statement to see which ones of you are twats:

    There’s only one way to sort out Iraq – nuke the fuckers.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like to know how you came to that conclusion first.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Because I’ve ‘ad it we’ve people disagreeing with me. That’s all there is to it.

    Why? Do you disagree with me about this?

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I’m on the fence on this one.

    I can see the benefits of completely obliterating the area, thus wiping out innocent civilians and members of her majesty’s armed forces, but I also am concerned that it might be a bit of an effort. So I am Pontius Swineshead on this one. I wash my hands, feet, and balls of it.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Hmm. Y’see, as far as I’m concerned, being indifferent is the same as disagreeing with me.

    You fucking TWAT.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    You’re the twat, you twat. And I’m not the first person to have said you’re a twat – many others have agreed that you’re not only a twat, you’re also a massive fucking twat.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, is that right? So you’re disagreeing with me that you’re a twat, are you?

    You fucking TWAT!

  53. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve already lost this argument, you massive fucking twat.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    No I haven’t.

  55. piqued Says:

    Yeah Ben you twit

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Disagreement!

    TWAT!

  57. Napoleon Says:

    On a different note, I reckon them two Frogs wot got well stabbed-up in London had been leaving nasty comments about someone on an internet blog.

    I’ll just throw that in.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Sensitive of The Sun to refer to it as the THE TARANTINO MURDERS, I thought.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Does that mean Tarantino did it?

  60. Swineshead Says:

    Hopefully – then they can lock him up and we won’t have to suffer through shit like Kill Bill.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    I liked the bit where she pulled her off of Splash’s eye out. Apart from that, they were a bit rubbish.

    Ideally, for a film to work, you need monkey sidekicks, Nazi biker gangs, Country ‘n’ Western music, car chases, and bare-knuckle boxing matches.

  62. piqued Says:

    I thought The Sun headlinew as responsible as it implies it was cool to stab the living shit out of them and set them alight

    Is that cool

    is it?

    IS IT

  63. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll tell you who is cool – Barry Pepper. Remember his powerhouse performance in Battlefield Earth? Or those other films starring Barry Pepper? What’s happened to him anyway?

  64. jrowett Says:

    i would like them to bring back ‘Allo ‘Allo, only set in modern-day Kabul, with the brave mujahideen taking the place of the French resistance, and with each incidence of contrived slap ‘n’ tickle innuendo to be followed up with a swift genital caning in front of a jeering mob.

  65. jrowett Says:

    also, gabby roslin was the most fucktastic of all the Big Breakfast presenters.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Is that racist?

  67. Napoleon Says:

    She wasn’t. Denise was. And you knew in your heart that Denise would let you ‘ave ‘er up the wrong ‘un … and not just on your birthday, neither.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    ‘also, gabby roslin was the most fucktastic of all the Big Breakfast presenters.’

    You are clearly insane.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    What about the laydeees? Evans’s quivering ginger-freckled man-mallet being rammed up your cladge-pipe? Or Vaughan’s knees-ap-mavver-braaaahn mockney-cockney bearing down on your unfettered fundament? Eh, girls?

    Well?

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Or alternatively you could switch the TV on and have Wogan cram twenty four inches of pure Terry into your pork pie as he scratches his bewigged pubis.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Whilst ‘Metre-Long’ Michael Parkinson gets to grips with your fump-sump, and the ghost of Russel Harty feeds a yard of spectral man-hose into your top pocket?

  72. piqued Says:

    Hey, no one would ex-spectre that!!!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHLlAjkb

  73. Napoleon Says:

    CALL ME A FUCKING AMBULANCE!

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Where’s dis new feckin’ banner, yis fecking cont?

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I’d best ask the missus.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Liar.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got a prototype of it but not the actual one.

  78. jrowett Says:

    i would like them to bring back dayglo parent-confuser “Dance Energy”, only set in modern-day Kabul, with Mullah Omar taking the place of Normski, and with each incidence of mixed-gender dancing to be followed up with a swift genital caning in front of a jeering mob.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    They could bring back ‘The Hitman & Her’ as a porno. I was watching a porno movie last night, as it ‘appens. ‘Straight to the ‘A’ 10′ – did exactly what it said on the tin (box).

  80. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know about you, but I don’t ‘alf fancy reaching a strictly AB1 demographic in a variety of essential art-based fields.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Probably would, though I’d insist on a bucket, a bottle of navy rum, and a stout fellow to stand as my second …

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Good God

  83. Mikey Says:

    New logo’s up…looks Ok…..actually we do not have the test card anymore. Girl playing noughts and crosses….that should be brought back!

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Imagine the smell.

    Hey, Swineshead, fancy joining me in a bit of reaching a strictly AB1 demographic in a variety of essential art-based fields fun?

    Because I know now. Oh yes I do.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve lost me there, Napoleon.

    Mikey – I’ll pass on your comments to the designer.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    I’m so old, I remember watching that test card. Watching it for hours back when telly didn’t start until 3:30 in the afternoon.

  87. Mikey Says:

    Why has my avatar not changed. I have set it in my wordpress blog and it should be global should it not?

  88. Swineshead Says:

    If you’ve signed in it should be working.
    I actually like to imagine you as an octagon with a monocle, personally.

  89. Mikey Says:

    Oh yes Napoleon..those were the days!!

  90. Mikey Says:

    Signed in ?

  91. Mikey Says:

    Test.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Looks good from here, Mikey.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    You could drag a lot of enjoyment out of that test card afore Dr. Snuggles started. It’s burned into my eyes is that image.

  94. dave Says:

    Where’s the clow if it’s a test card. I’d have thought that’d be right up your alley, you being CLOWNS on this blog.

  95. piqued Says:

    .icle

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Clows or Clowns, Dave? Make your tiny mind up.

  97. dave Says:

    Dunno. Which one’s Ronald?

  98. piqued Says:

    I’m with NC on this, I remember seeing the cunt in colour for the first time, of course, when I was young TV was all just fields

  99. Mikey Says:

    http://www.meldrum.co.uk/mhp/testcard/bbc_test.html

    Very very interesting.

  100. Napoleon Says:

    I remember when kid’s TV first started on ITV (before that you had to watch the test card from 7:00 a.m. to 5:45 p.m.). I was watching it lying on my front, and my dad came home from work and dropped a cat on my back.

    He’s dead now.

  101. piqued Says:

    ‘dropped a cat’

    I had a fucking litter this morning

  102. Napoleon Says:

    He didn’t shit on my back (though I wouldn’t have put it past him), it was a real cat. The same one he dropped in my bath a couple of weeks later to ‘see what would happen’. Scratched to buggery I was.

    The man was a fucking retard.

  103. Mikey Says:

    Good job microwaves were not around in those days.

  104. piqued Says:

    He didn’t shit on your back?

    Oh.

  105. roadtoworldcup2010 Says:

    test

  106. Mikey Says:

    nope

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I’d admit defeat, Mikey.

  108. george Says:

    Sexy new banner. When I was last watching children’s television, they had just started plugging this new fangled BBC website thing.

  109. Mikey Says:

    For the moment.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    When I last watched children’s TV, John Leslie was still allowed in the same room as Yvette Fielding and Caron Keating.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    It’s worked!

  112. Mikey Says:

    Victory!

  113. george Says:

    That is a picture of Jim Davidson, isn’t it, Napoleon?

  114. dave Says:

    It s JD. NC enjoys his racist rantings, and his quips about John Vergo’s snooker jackets.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Dave. I love Jim Davidson. I enjoy his racist rantings almost as much as I enjoy yours, you flabby racist.

    (I’d give up now)

  116. dave Says:

    I’ve yet to know what racist comment I’m supposed to have made…Arse.

  117. george Says:

    I was just checking because I watched him for years on television, Big Break, Generation game and all that and I never realised how large his forehead is. It’s like a runyway. Look:

    http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.paviliontheatre.co.uk/showHTML/shows_2006/images/jim_davidson.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.paviliontheatre.co.uk/showHTML/shows_2006/06-10-29.htm&h=380&w=250&sz=12&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=3Bv34rfBjFYRbM:&tbnh=123&tbnw=81&prev=/images%3Fq%3Djim%2Bdavidson%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Just general racism, wasn’t it? I assume you’ve not been tarred as the most racist man on here for no reason? The writers on this site have a lot of integrity (well … not Piqued), and I can’t see us accusing you of doing something without foundation.

    You fat racist shithouse.

  119. Swineshead Says:

    *checks ‘Most Racist’ list*

    Casual use of the word ‘wog’, it says here.

  120. dave Says:

    And the context of said word?

  121. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t it that you thought there was too many of ’em? Didn’t you say old Enoch had the right idea? Something about sending the whole bloody lot of ’em back? My memory’s not what it was, Dave, but I think it was something like that.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    ‘…completely lacking irony’ it says here…

    I can root it out if you want to be embarassed all over again.

    Or we could leave it – your choice.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Racist.

  124. dave Says:

    If that was the case, sir, and put to you it wasn’t, then I would be a racist.

    As it is I think you just like the ferocity and seriousness of the word and take pathetic joy in labelling some anomynous troll that takes, for reasons unknown to him or you, an interest in your writing with hate-terms.

    I would suggest a person not taking the term seriously is the true racist, and the kind of person that made the apartide possible. Nothing’s changed.

  125. jrowett Says:

    once, at a family gathering, one of my cousins pointed at Sir Trevor McDonald (who was on telly reading the news) and said the immortal words to all present: “you can only see him when he smiles”.

  126. dave Says:

    Root it out, Swines old chum. I was attacking the Eastenders writers and their two-dimensionally drawn characters.

  127. george Says:

    That’s what Nazi War Criminals said, Dave.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    Luckily I’m going home, so I shan’t be enjoying that conversation till Monday at the earliest. Have a good weekend doing whatever it is you lot do – I assume you’ve got some rally or other to attend.

    BYE

  129. Swineshead Says:

    Precisely, George. And Big Ron.

  130. dave Says:

    Yes, a peace rallyto spread my love to everyone, whoever they may be.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    I think Dave’s a disgrace. Take his last post:

    “… I … a … racist. … I … like the ferocity … of … labelling some … (black) troll … in … hate-terms.

    I … is … racist … Nothing’s changed.”

    Who, but a racist, could write such hurtful things?

  132. dave Says:

    I’ll admit that was brilliant, Perry. Almost takes the sting out of being called a racist when I’m bloody well not.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Give ’em enough rope …

  134. dave Says:

    If you meant what I think you meant by mentioning hanging, shame on you!

  135. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I preferred the old header. But hey, might as well have change for the sake of it.

  136. dave Says:

    Very launch day channel 5, aint it John? I like it though.

  137. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Wogan and McGann would be a better crimfighting duo.

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