Criminal Justice


Criminal Justice

I’ve been half-watching Criminal Justice on BBC1.

I didn’t mean to watch it, I hate ‘drama’. Utter waste of time, but on Monday I’d stepped in from the pub and flipped on the tube with my tea and I couldn’t help myself.

I’ve not been inside, but I’ve a fundamental fascination with the horrific concept of being banged up. There are few things I can think of that are worse, especially if you’re innocent like what this kid might be, yeah?

Anyhoo, this kid, right, was being all threatened by this giant skinned of the head man and instead of the usual BBC/ITV ‘drama’ fodder the acting tellingly notified me that this was good stuff. In addition to a well skill cast the script was good, the direction unobtrusive and by George, they’d got the lighting right too. So I watched it…

Plot thus, kid gets nicked for knacking this bird what he porked. He did the nasty when pissed, woke up in the kitchen and discovered her stabbed-in-the-tit-dead. He gets nicked and can’t remember nothing, though he’s clearly* innocent. Chuck in a juicy subplot in pokey and you’ve a cracking little number that’s as watchable as Nigella Lawson spreading Damson Preserve on her udders. Even the court scenes are riveting, but this is a bone of contention, apparently.

In Wednesdays Guardian some barrister wrote a letter about it…

Right, before we pick the bones out of this, I’d firstly like to say that this TV show is a drama. That’s right – it’s not real. It’s like me moaning I can’t fucking fly like Superman on account of the fact we both have limbs, or something.

The author of the show is a trained Criminal Barrister and may know a thing or two about the system he’s portraying. It would seem that the moaning barrister has done his case no good whatsoever simply by protesting in the first place.

Moreover, it was unquestionably foolish to moan about it after watching two episodes seeing as one of the barristers by episode four is actually quite nice and, under that wig of hers, I suspect she’s fucking well tidy lads…

Since when have barristers ever been the good guys? I understand their part in the legal system to ensure ethically ‘fair’ trials but by default, they have to be by some degree unethical. They are required to defend criminals and prosecute the innocent and vice versa, depending on who is paying. They are the whores of the legal world and similarly the axis on which the whole cunting system pivots. Of course barristers are awful, it’s their job.

When I was actually watching the courtroom scenes before I read this twat’s letter I was happily thinking about how good the script was – how bloody marvelous Lindsay Duncan is. I wasn’t sitting there thinking ‘Oooh, I thought all barristers were good now I h8 them. Boo-hoo’.

I hate them now though, every last wigged man jack of them, do you hear me, Timothy Hutten QC? And it’s all your fault you slimy shitbag.

Jesus Christ, I’ve just heard that this zombie guy with gloves made from knives has been appearing in these kids’ dreams, he’s slaughtering teens, in America!! Ooh, what if he comes over here…


*he did it, maybe

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13 Responses to “Criminal Justice”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    That show had the shittest ending I’ve seen on a drama in a long time.

    And it had all been so good up till then. It was going for the In The Name of the Father thing far too hard by the end – wildcard barrister checking police files for corruption off her own back… but it didn’t have the ‘true story’ background to get away with it.


  2. Quincy Phd Says:

    I didn’t watch the show myself so I can’t comment on that, but I feel compelled to say that that’s possibly the most brilliantly grammatical article we’ve ever had on Mothers… I’m confused as to what happened, let alone what you thought of it, but it’s a bloody marvellous review none-the-less…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a mess – and that’s after I tried to edit it. Before it was just a stream of commas. He’s little more than a backward child, is Piqued.

  4. Quincy Phd Says:

    For years I tried to adhere to the grammatical correctitude that my English teachers insisted on, and then I read an article by Brooker in which over half of it was one sentence – and a bloody good one sentence at that – and I thought fuck it, I’m gonna write how I want to write… streams of commas in all their glory…

    Like the new Mothers logo, by the way – very eighties, which makes it more up to date than the last one which was Victorian…

  5. Napoleon Says:

    What the bloody hell was that?

    (I’ve only just got up. That’s right.)

  6. Clarry Says:

    “Moreover, it was unquestionably foolish to moan about it after watching two episodes seeing as one of the barristers by episode four is actually quite nice and, under that wig of hers, I suspect she’s fucking well tidy lads…”

    The above section made me do a funny noise whilst trying to stifle my laffs from my unsuspecting colleagues…

    I watched a middle episode, got quite involved, then forgot to watch the last bit. Who did it then?

    SH – Any thought on the latest goings on in BB. Mario is awful – he seems to have mixed up ‘being a postman’ with ‘being in the mafia’. But let’s face it, he does know a lot of postmen. Know what i’m saying….?

    Soz for neglecting you chaps btw, i’ve had a hellishly heavy workload these last few weeks.

  7. wodge Says:

    It was the butler.

  8. piqued Says:

    I saw the end finally, it was fucking shit

  9. chloe Says:

    i loved it but missed the last episode and i need to download it but can’t get it anywhere 😦

    if any one wants to let me know that will be great x

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Just looking for you, Chloe… bear with

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Found it… Chloe, send me an email at the address on the front page and I’ll send you the torrent. But only if you vote in the poll and click the facebook link.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Won’t be till the morning, mind you.

  13. indy Says:

    pingu! it’s pingu from “nathan barley”, right?

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