Celebrity Masterchef


Celebrity Masterchef is pretty much a miniaturised version of the original pleb-friendly version but with one major difference. These are celebrities, usually with expertise in a field such as television presenting, acting or sports, so they’re not expected to be particularly good at cooking.

Immediately, the pressure is off and Gregg and Johns’ constant inspirational patter becomes nothing more than hot air. After five or ten minutes, their passion about the whole affair becomes unintentionally amusing. Whether they fake their involvement – which borders on obsessive frenzy – or not, the fact that the celebs are there for the fee and couldn’t really care less reduces old John’s and squat Gregg’s involvement a little tiny bit. Which is a shame, as they’re probably the only decent TV judges in reality TV. They provide this thing called ‘constructive criticism’ which is all too rare in these kinds of competitions.

Last night in this weird two-shows-in-one-format they’ve chosen to put this out in, we had Michael Buerk, that toothy one from Atomic Kitten, Denise Lewis, some bloke from Brookside (the second some-bloke-from-Brookside in a week), the blonde one from Birds of a Feather who used to go on about ‘my Daryl’ and a TV presenter woman whose name I can’t remember. The latter managed to make ‘the worst thing I’ve ever tasted doing this show’ which was faintly amusing, while the rest made half-decent attempts. Apart from Michael Buerk, who is clearly going senile.

An unchallenging but entirely inoffensive hour of entertainment, but the aspect that keeps me watching when this is on has little to do with the format, the guests or the food itself. I find myself laughing out loud at the sheer amount of food Gregg and John stick on their forks and spoons.

It’s on tonight – make sure you watch as they load up their forks when it comes to testing time. On an average insertion they load up their mini-shovels with a kilo of fodder and then guide it in. Their faces turn vacant as they feed these gargantuan spoonfuls into their gaping maws and the moment of suspense – did they like it or not? – is built in the period during which they chew the gargantuan boluses in their fat faces. It’s really quite extraordinary.

But not quite as extraordinary as John Torode saying stuff like ‘Yes, he maaaay be a fantastic actor who can take on any role – but is he a master in the kitchen?’ when the clear answer is ‘No. That’s why he’s an actor’.


I really hope Andi Peters doesn’t win.

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82 Responses to “Celebrity Masterchef”

  1. Clarry Says:

    I hate the way that Gregg Wallace removes the fork/spoon from his mouth. The way he removes it in slow motion makes me feel ill.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    How would you feel if it was Darnell removing the fork in slow motion while humming ‘Cookie Love’?

  3. Clarry Says:

    I would be hot 4 it Swines. U NO I WUD.

    I do not fancy Darnell. He’s invisible and has tiny, red eyes.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    That’s not his fault though. On a personality level, you like him, just as I adore Mario.

  5. B-Boi Gregory Says:

    I like wookies!

  6. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, he’s about the only decent one in there. I think Dale should hang around with him more. It was funny when they were being Big Brother interviewing Kat in the bathroom.

    Actually, isn’t Dale just miles better now that Jen has gone? I laughed a lot at his impression of Belinda Belinda Belinda.

    *Be bop a wop dap doooooooo*

  7. Clarry Says:

    Swines hearts Mario.

    Please can you make the ‘hearts’ bit in red for me?

  8. Napoleon Says:

    FAH! More rubbish, eh? Haven’t you watched anything decent recently?

  9. B-Boi Gregory Says:

    4 REAL!!!!! THiz Is Rubbish. Cheifs r crap and eiry tiz wot wiz needz a write on Timothy Westwood. Fo.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Wha? Are you retarded, B-Boi Gregory? Should you be using a computer unsupervised?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Fucking hell – that was a bit hairy – couldn’t get into this thread for half an hour. I have now fixed it.

    Where are these film reviews then, Perry?

  12. B-Boi Gregory Says:

    I iz aint no supervised, I iz supa enuff LOL!!!!!!!!

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m doin one great big ‘un. Ready for you tomorrow morning.

    B-Boi – Sorry, I only speak English.

    Swineshead – Can you get rid of this twat now?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    This B-Boi had a quite interesting first comment but he’s radically gone downhill. I bet his balls are funny-lookin’

  15. Napoleon Says:

    If they’ve dropped yet.

    Fucking hell, how original was that?

  16. Swineshead Says:


    I did actually watch something of interest last night on some channel I’d never heard of before called Fiver (what the fuck is that?) about men who get beaten up by their wives. it was a documentary seemingly made by Jeremy Kyle’s production staff. Horrible.

  17. Mikey Says:

    Anything with the word “celebrity” in it is an immediate turn off and should be avoided at all costs. Incidentally I guess to be a celebrity you have to be on telly. There are no non TV celebrities are there? Or am i just stating the obvious?

    Fiver..yep have noticed this too.
    Why no “Personal Services required?” BMTV has covered it. Have discovered a new website “Digital spy” where they are quite into it.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – I see Mikey – liaising with rival sites are we?

    I watched 20 minutes of Personal Services Required and couldn’t bear it. Arseholes being arseholes to one another… really ugly TV that was.

  19. piqued Says:

    Denise Lewis, I bloody would

    That woman from Watchdog needs offing with a fork

    Buerk fascinates me

    Her from Atomic Kitten, I find myself in perpetuity questioning why? How? She’s a face like smashed up custard and I’ve sensed more charisma in paving

    Birds of a fever, can’t nor do I wish to understand a word she says

    But I reserve my hatred for the Scouser who actually wept when he was told he made nice toast or something. Of course, he’d stab you in the undercarriage in the blink of an eye for waving too loudly, but for now ‘toast’ = boohoo, the fucking twit

  20. Mikey Says:

    “Oh – I see Mikey – liaising with rival sites are we?

    No, no..only looking…I did not comment honestly. You can’t blame a guy for just a moment of eye wandering. I am still loyal! And can you honestly say you’ve never been tempted?”

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – only for cross-promotion purposes.

    Piqued – you are a regionalist.

    Is that woman from Watchdog? I thought she was a bit tasty myself, in a weird, middle-aged BBC presenter sort of way.

  22. Swineshead Says:


  23. Clarry Says:

    Do you think he speaks in that funny street talk, where all the vowels sound funny? Or do you think he is just pretending. I was looking at a Bebo page of this teenager the other day, the words are almost indecipherable.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Who, Clarry?

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Great game where poo falls from the sky and you have to collect it on a stick:


  26. Clarry Says:

    B-Boi…. sorry the message must’ve taken ages to come through.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – I try not think about B-Boi… he’s gone now.

    Why were you looking at teenagers on Beebo? Haven’t you seen To Catch a Predator?

  28. piqued Says:

    She’s awful; see the way she operated in the kitchen? That could be your penis.

    She reminded me of a daddies girls from Surry, all horses and handbags, bitching and cheating to get to the top of the pile without empathy to anyone or thing outside of her vacuous goals. A bit like Dale Winton

  29. Swineshead Says:

    And you judge that based on what? About five sentences spoken and some shit cooking?

  30. Mikey Says:

    There are just too many cooking programs without the need to bring “celebrities” into the mix. (mix, geddit).
    No wonder we did not qualify for Euro 2008, we need Football skills programs not cookery shows!

  31. piqued Says:

    ‘And you judge that based on what? About five sentences spoken and some shit cooking?’


  32. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds about exciting as this cooking show, Mikey.

  33. piqued Says:


  34. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – stop reading The Sun, it’s turned your once fertile mind into idiotic mush (for proof, see last week’s Criminal Justice review).

    Gazza did a football skills TV show once, it was dire.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    That Criminal Justice review was rubbish, even by Piqued’s garbled standards.

  36. Mikey Says:

    Actually meant to catch the Chinese one earlier this week, but missed it.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I saw that – it was quite good (mainly because I fancy that Chinese floozy)

  38. Mikey Says:

    Yeah she’s quite tasty too!

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Chinese? What are you on about?

  40. Mikey Says:

    On Napoleon come on…”Cinese cooking made easy”.. BBC last Monday.

  41. piqued Says:


  42. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t watch cooking, Mikey. Same as I don’t spend my time watching people cleaning toilets, painting walls, emptying dustbins, or washing their armpits.

    Chinese cooking made easy, indeed.

  43. Mikey Says:

    Oh Napoleon come on…”Chinese cooking made easy”.. BBC last Monday.

    BTW Dad’s army reunion show on in August..hosted by Wossie. Ian Lavender has been lamenting lack of family telly these days; have to say i agree with him.

  44. B-Boi Gregory Says:

    I likez to cook Pork n Beans from Heinz. 84p, FLAVVAARR!!!!1!!11

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Family telly when I was a kid was Blackadder and The Young Ones alongside repeats of Dads Army, Steptoe and Hancock. I imagine if I was a youngster now family telly would consist of Boosh, Garth Marenghi and the like as well as repeats of Blackadder, Alan Partridge, The Young Ones, Dads Army, Steptoe and Hancock.

    Decent family television has been dead since the 80s as there was no longer any call for it.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    A Dad’s Army reunion? How’s that going to pan out? Eight coffins and Ian Lavendar?

  47. Mikey Says:

    B-Boi….Just get the beans and some good quality sausages from your local butcher. Slightly more expensive but better for you.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    I doubt the kids are watching dated shit like The Young Ones, Swineshead.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Why not? We were watching dated shit when we were little.

  50. Mikey Says:

    Yeah his point is (Ian Lavender) that whilst it is good Dads Army is still on, it does show the paucity of this genre of program that it is still on and popular.
    Now i am not an old codger I assure you (and I agree that TV has changed regarding family shows since the eighties) but I am beginning to believe that TV presenters are just too familiar. They do not know me and should be more deferential. It’s just all too folksy!

  51. Swineshead Says:

    Clive Dunn’s still about, isn’t he? And the angry one who called Mainwaring nasty names.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but that stuff was funny. The Young Ones wasn’t even funny in the 80s.

    Rick: Fascist pig!
    Viv: (Smashes something) Vwaaaaauuuuuggghh!
    Neil: Heeeeaveee, man!
    Mike: (Whatever it was Mike did)
    Rick: And now here’s Motorhead in our living wroom.


  53. Mikey Says:

    yep..Bill Pertwee the air raid warden.

  54. Mikey Says:

    much more American programs on when I was kid.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    More American shows? The A-Team, Knight Rider, The Fall Guy, Street Hawk, Manimal, Highway to Heaven? That sort of era?

  56. Mikey Says:

    hmm maybe not (American programs) just seems like it..

  57. Mikey Says:

    That kind of stuff..plus comedies, Different Strokes, Merlin, Little House on the Prairie…

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I remember when they went to that kids with cancer kid cancer camp in Highway to Heaven. Tugged at the heart-strings, did that. Well … not MY heart-strings.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    The Young Ones had its moments.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t remember them. I could never stand that show.

  61. Mikey Says:

    young ones did have it’s moments. I remeber seeing Rick and the little “mousie” for the first time. Hilarity!

  62. Mikey Says:

    Yes this Chinese program looks good. Have been looking at the website. Nice to have an inoffensive and pretty woman presenting the program. See, where we have gone wrong in this country is all these male TV chefs. Our ancient male ancestors would go out and catch the meat and take it back to the cave while female ancestor cooked it. If it had been the other way round we may have not survived.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Anthropology lesson one, there. The next time I go out, I’ll have to make sure I go to a restaurant that guarantees my food is cooked by a female – based on Mikey’s sound caveman principles.

  64. Swineshead Says:


    It’s far more watchable than that berk Ramsay’s output. See also, Marco Pierre whatsit – his show is good because he’s a nice fella – funny too.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    They can all hang, for all I care.

  66. Mikey Says:

    Absolutely. Before the TV age..it was Mrs. Beatons’ cook book. (Not Mr. Beaton).

  67. Mikey Says:

    and it’s always Grandma’s secret recipe.. (not Grand dads).

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Unless it’s grandad’s.

    Mikey, you’re talking out of your arse.

  69. Clarry Says:

    “Why were you looking at teenagers on Beebo? Haven’t you seen To Catch a Predator?”

    Erm… well I was looking for something on the web and got a link to this Bebo nonsense. Bebo is definitely for the kids. Do you think in the future, when the teens are in control, vowels will be banned?

    “Young Ones did have it’s moments. I remeber (sic) seeing Rick and the little “mousie” for the first time. Hilarity!”

    That episode was the first time I realised anyone else had the same name as me. I loved The Young Ones, it wasn’t particularly funny but I liked it. Why don’t we have a prog like that anymore, with an interlude featuring a current pop act?

  70. Swineshead Says:

    That episode also had the brilliant line ‘Hey – is this tobacco or… Pink Floyd?’… from the tragic ‘cool’ lecturer character. A real archetype, that one.

  71. Swineshead Says:

    None of you recognise that bit because it hasn’t been repeated on a Channel 4 clip show in the past ten years. Part timers.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Either that, or not one of the many people who read this site found that funny or worth bothering with. I know I didn’t.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    It could be that. You may have a point.

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I waited on the judge with hair at work today. And made and room serviced him a cappuccino, which he declared ‘excellent’. I think that makes me a masterchef of coffees.

  75. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yeah, John Torode. That’s the one.

  76. extremelisteningmode Says:

    As Terry Wogan cruelly but amusingly described John Torode – ‘He looks like an alcoholic who has had a pint of water thrown over him’.

  77. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He really does. He looks constantly wankered.

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Clearly he recognises good coffee though.

  79. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Actually, it’s not so much a drunken look he has going, it’s that of someone with a really bad hangover who looks like he’s having a bit of difficulty staying awake, partly because his life is so hard, clearly.

  80. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Yep, that is it. not pissed, post-pissed. Like he’s drank all he wants and just can’t be bothered any more.

  81. Angelina Says:

    I like wookies!

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Good lord.

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