Sky+ ad


Note to Kelly Brook

If you’re on an advert, you’re not meant to make it obvious that you’re trying very hard to remember what it is your advertising. And stop, like, talking to the cameraman as though you’re trying to convince him you can just about remember why you’re in front of his camera in the first place. You twit.

Note to Sky

Never book Kelly Brook ever, ever again


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56 Responses to “Sky+ ad”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Regarding the post:

    What’s the point of a Kelly Brook ad where she’s not wearing a bikini?

    In other news:

    Why do I feel a bit sorry for that stupid canoe woman?

  2. Dave Says:

    Because she’s a better actress than Kelly Brook could ever be but, to be fair to the jugs, Kelly wouldn’t need a primitive floatation device if she wished to appear lost at sea.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Do you think you’d be able to manage an Eskimo Roll with Ms Brook, Dave?

  4. Dave Says:

    It’d be the best Scouting weekend EVAR!!11!

  5. Swineshead Says:

    That’s quite sexist, not I think about it.

  6. Dave Says:

    Wanting to have sex with girls is sexist? Well, as they say in Flight of the Conchords, ‘damn you girl for being so hot, you making me sexist’. Not a direct quote.

  7. george Says:

    My sexism decector hasn’t picked anything up.

  8. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Who’s Kelly Brook? Is she famous? Also, it’s hard to tell, but I think she’s saying ‘Sex In The City’ as opposed to ‘Sex And The City’. That or she’s got a fucking annoying voice.

  9. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dave, it’s useless without the full quotation:

    “I wanna tell her how hot she is
    But she’ll think I’m being sexist
    She’s so hot, she’s making me sexist…bitch!”

    There we go.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Extract from Kelly Brook’s Career Path For Dummies:

    – Topless Loaded model
    – Lingerie model
    – Big Breakfast presenter who got axed
    – Rubbish actress in Smallville
    – Jason Statham’s girlfriend
    – Billy Zane’s girlfriend

  11. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wow. Sky+ is really fucking desperate!

  12. Swineshead Says:

    For sure.

    Other celeb heads used are:

    Ross Kemp: Thanks for your opinion Ross – any advice on how best to poach an egg?

    Michael Parkinson: Parky, I don’t for one minute believe you know how to operate anything more complicated than a tape measure.

    Felicity Kendall: Christ! You’re alive!

  13. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Would this be fresh, new-lookl, ‘I’m Dead Posh Actually, Not A Cockney Or SAS Bloke Or Anything, Honest!’ Ross Kemp?

  14. Dave Says:

    “I wanna tell her how hot she is
    But she’ll think I’m being sexist
    She’s so hot, she’s making me sexist…bitch!”

    “You’re a legend, John”

  15. Swineshead Says:

    By the way – would you all do the facebook thing and add yourself here?


  16. piqued Says:

    They also use Mariella Fostrup

    Radio 4 should fucking sack her


    Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells*

    *I’ve never been there

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Mariella Frostrup… a walking, talking croak.

  18. Louche Says:

    I’d like to do rude things to/with/ay Kelly Brook, but even that doesn’t make me want to get Sky+.

    Have you seen the advert for the Times where they have that animated corpse walking around talking about his acting? It scares me more than the ending from Raiders of the Lost Arc.

  19. Louche Says:

    ay=at, clearly looking at photographs of her made me type all wonky.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    It’s quite nice is Tunbridge Wells. When I was there, they were filming the ultimate student/unemployed/elderly daytime TV show, Watercolour Challenge. I saw the lovely Hannah Gordon and everything.

    God, I loved that show.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Watercolour Challenge – that was brilliant. I’d completely forgotten it existed.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    It was brilliant, it was. I don’t understand why it’s not still on.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    I WANTED that painting holiday to Tuscany more than I wanted anything else ever in my whole life ever.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Was that the prize?
    Rolf Harris ripped it off with that ‘paint a celebrity’ show he did. Wasn’t a patch on the WC.


  25. Napoleon Says:

    It was the prize one year, if memory serves. And do you remember, when it got to the final, they did it in Italy? Classy.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Just as I was typing the word ‘classy’ there, Charles ‘n’ Eddie came on the radio. Oh yes, Charles ‘n’ Eddie.


  27. Swineshead Says:

    What about that canoe lady then. Do we feel sorry for her? I do.

  28. Dave Says:

    Watercolour challenge was amazing.

  29. Dave Says:

    Bob Ross was better, before he died. ‘I’m going to give that tree a little friend there’.

  30. Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' Says:

    Thank Christ that Sky+ has given me the freedom to eat whenever I want. Previously, I was forced to ram Victory gruel-sticks into my maw every day at 8.05am, 1pm and 7.25pm, whilst Lesley Judd barked ‘CHEW! AND CHEW AND CHEW AND CHEW AND CHEW!” from a grainy black-and-white TV screen two inches from my skull.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the spirit, Mr Sex! Before V+ (which is obviously better as it has the once-cool SJ Jackson in the advert) I was made to miss half an hour of my favourite shows due to agonising toilet breaks which involved squeezing charred lumps of cheese from my burning anus into a filthy bog. Not no more! Simply press the pause button and away you go! I LUV TEKNOLOJYS

  32. Dave Says:

    Fifty pounds, I’ve just won, on an Indiana Jones scratch-card – all thanks to my trusty Sky + !!

  33. Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' Says:

    I have a photo of my Dad’s Sky+. It’s 14 episodes of Taggart and nothing else.

  34. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I know the bloke whose nazi face melts in Raiders.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Mr Sex – you’ve just inspired a new initiative. Everyone must take photos of their recently recorded Sky / V+ programmes, upload to photobucket or something similar then stick ’em up online. Anyone who fails to comply will be beaten.

  36. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I have freeview. Does that count?

  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    it’s got a hard drive…

  38. piqued Says:

    ‘Everyone must take photos of their recently recorded Sky / V+ programmes’

    That reads very badly

  39. Swineshead Says:

    You’re just upset because you’re on freeview.

    As for ‘reads badly’, may I refer you to your recent Criminal Justice article, dear?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    I recorded that documentary on the Koran the other night. Another one to add to the pile of stuff I won’t get round to watching.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Funnily enough, I did the same. It’ll have to be a very rainy / desperate day for me to get my arse together and watch it. Especially since I’ve got the Wire to plough through.

  42. piqued Says:

    I didn’t mean it reads badly in the literal sense….

  43. Napoleon Says:

    It’s two hours long. An episode of Family Guy is half an hour. What would you do?

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – do you mean ‘not everyone has sky / v+’?

    Fair point. But I think those that don’t should really sacrifice an outgoing payment for it. Maybe skip their council tax or child support.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    NC – I’d probably listen to Carly Simon’s Coming Around Again 45 times.

  46. piqued Says:

    I did, yes

    It’s like £80 a month or something, that’s nearly a grand a year…

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Similarly, I’d listen to Jimmy Nail’s Ain’t No Doubt forty-odd times instead.

    No! Crocodile Shoes.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I got my V+ box for a one off payment of £25.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    You don’t have to get the Sky deal. And you don’t have to combine it with broadband and free phonecalls.

    So no – it’s not necessarily 80 quid a year.

  50. piqued Says:

    Is that it? No more expenses?


  51. piqued Says:


    Your original comment SH, it read alright then…



    (cheerio, see you all tomoz)

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Bye, bye then.

    (You can redeem yourself tomorrow with a new article eh?)

  53. Dave Says:

    I won fifty quid on a scratch-card today and in an hour, when work let me out, I’m going to see Deathcab for Cutie. Lovely. So you can keep your fancy satellite systems.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Celebrity Masterchef’s on tonight – so who is the REAL loser here, Dave?




    He’s gone.

  55. indy Says:

    ok. kelly brook. so who are they trying to appeal to? stupid women or stupid men? suggestion for next ad: why don’t they give the austrian cellar kids a go? “have not left our house in 24 years. finally we can enjoy the adventures of carrie, miranda, the other one and samantha in ‘sex in the city (sic)!”

  56. Nick of the T Says:

    There are so many of those “unscripted ads”.

    At least she isn’t talking about being bloated.

    Her bum makes me feel sexist but I don’t care…

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