Coors Light

by

This is one of those odd ones that I hate/like.

A bit like shaving your balls, it’s not nice to do but I like the way it feels afterwards. Or wanking off looking at pictures of your mum, which is nice at the time but after it you feel a bit… well… suicidal.

The advert starts with the usual humourless twattery; bubbles, filters, clean, cool…beer-guff – the sort of shite they wheel out for people too scared to drink proper ale (which should be dark brown, flat, a little cooler than warm and drunk by men – not baseball hatted tossers with three quarter-length shorts and Billabong t-shirts).

We’ve seen it all before. Swirling effervescent liquid glittering like silver sunflakes in tan gutmud with some Burton-deep narration – rich and manly – eulogising over it. Wonderful, delicious etc… hyperbole in a glass.

But wait. No. Something’s not right. The camera has pulled up through this pond of gassy gall and two young men are in conversation… Wait – the one on the right appears to be the one actually narrating… The one on the right IS the man evangelising about the wonders of Coors.

Jesus.

Now this is fucking annoying. At this stage of proceedings my exasperation dam has broken and a flood of rasping sighs gas into my living space like a farting cow. The tit on the left castigates the ‘narrator’ on the right for ‘doing that’ but by now my tolerance is repaired, something wonderful is about to occur…

I really don’t understand why this has happened; I can’t comprehend why any part of my being seismically shifts as it does. I mentally down tools and like a five-year-old waiting for the steam train to round the mountain, I freeze in anticipation for the narration to continue off-camera. The two protagonists look at each other in silent astonishment, then look behind.

Approaching them, extolling the virtues of the ‘clean crisp taste’ in exactly the same throaty tones as the narrator is a plain looking girl with a rather large mouth. Sweet Christ, no.

SHE’S the narrator, it’s her!! She’s nothing to look at. She’s mousey and a little rotund but something about her, the way she walks and the manner in which she ‘speaks’. The coquettish way she chinks her bottle at the end of her sentence. Dear reader… I FUCKING LOVE HER!

I’m left sitting there in silence, grinning from ear-to-ear like an utter twit, like I’ve just been touched by the hand of Christ. Why has this happened?

Oh beautiful Coors girl, be mine, be mine, you fat frog.

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104 Responses to “Coors Light”

  1. george Says:

    Just imagine what she sounds like climaxing.

  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I gave her that stretched mouth. You want to know how?

    HURHURUR

  3. Dave Says:

    “which should be dark brown, flat, a little cooler than warm and drunk by men – not baseball hatted tossers with three quarter-length shorts and Billabong t-shirts” Amen, brother.

    I’m quite taken with MGD though, which makes me a cunt.

  4. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve used one of them Coors Light taps. It comes out at -4 celcius. If you get your hand under the flow it’s actually painful.

  5. Matt Says:

    I love her. I’m glad it’s not just me…

  6. george Says:

    There is something about a smallish woman with a big bombing manly voice.

  7. Clarry Says:

    That advert is awful.

    Is her big mouth real or made big on the computer?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I think it’s real.

  9. Dave Says:

    “Our world has grown weary of greed, exploitation and division, of the tedium of false idols and piecemeal responses, and the pain of false promises,” – The Pope

  10. piqued Says:

    I wonder if she’ll read this so that I can make her mouth mine

  11. piqued Says:

    Dave

    http://www.piqued.co.uk

  12. Swineshead Says:

    What’s with the promo there, Piqued?

  13. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He mentioned the Pope in his latest post. He just wants to show off that he spends money on his domain name.

  14. Mikey Says:

    Piqued…Read your piece on the papal message. I think you missed the point a bit, and it’s not all priests who are corrupt.

    What’s the name of the pizzeria?

  15. Dave Says:

    Not all priests are corrupt but they are all self-righteous arses, and the hypocrisy in the comment I’ve attached is pretty damn clear. Good post, Piqued. I wouldn’t even mind, but every time the pope farts it’s all over the BBC like a rash. The Nazi.

  16. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Perry’s having a lie-in then? The lazy bastard.

  17. piqued Says:

    Mikey, I don’t think I missed the point, the timing couldn’t have been worse either…

    And of course not all priests are corrupt, just loads of them, enough for the Pope himself to acknowledge… Anyway isn’t one is enough?

    I really don’t want to give out the name of the pizzeria, it’s getting so popular it’s almost impossible to book a table these days but you should be able to find it with the info provided…

  18. indy Says:

    brokeback mountain II – the sex change? hillbilly-shirt – check(ered). deep voice – check. beer drinking. check. drinking beer but not “real” beer (light) – check.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    The child abuse issue isn’t related to what the Pope said this week, so I failt to see the relevance of it, really. If you’re going to have a go out of the blue like that you may as well make it about contraception in Africa – probably the biggest issue he’s buggering about with. The twat.

  20. Mikey Says:

    Mikey likes a pizza. Have an award winning pizzeria in my neck of the woods. A good proper classical pizza is wonderful. Those chain ones are awful and should be banned!
    There is one chain of pizzerias I do go to, the fast one, which i think are Ok though a bit small and usually too much tomato puree. The best pizza’s are in Napoli though.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Swineshead is wondering why Mikey is talking about Mikey in the third person.

    Swineshead also likes pizza – who fucking doesn’t? I’ll fight anyone who doesn’t like pizza with my bare fists.

    COME ON.

  22. piqued Says:

    It wasn’t out the blue, it is related. Within 5 days he goes from a watery apology about his mates fiddling with kids to the ‘horrors’ of watching TV, and then has the fucking nerve to blame the latter for being responsible for sexual exploitation!

    We can at least agree he’s a twat.

    I agree about Africa, this has been a bugbear of mine for years.

  23. Mikey Says:

    Mikey apologises to Swineshead and will use the first person from now on.

    I hope you like real pizza and don’t give your hard earned dosh to any so called pizza joint that can come up with a chicken tikka pizza..complete rubbish! If so I would take you on!!

  24. Napoleon Says:

    “Perry’s having a lie-in then? The lazy bastard.”

    Cheeky sod. As it happens, I was writing to the Dorchester …

    http://bpperry3.blogspot.com/2008/07/letter-to-dorchester-hotel-london.html

  25. Mikey Says:

    One can always find hypocrisy in anything. The popes message is relevant. If the same words were said by your favorite author, band or artist you would agree with them.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Oh. Sorry Piqued, I didn’t notice the thing about the apology. He is definitely a twat though.

    I watched Episode 4 of series 1 of The Wire last night and I am now officially in awe of it. Don’t want to add to the hype hubbub but, by Christ, it’s good.

    Please no spoilers thanks.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Christ – people are going promo crazy today. If anyone wants to big up their blog, feel free.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that. I wouldn’t have so blatantly advertised myself if that arse Wagonwheel hadn’t accused me of still being in bed. I got up at 8:55, I’ll have you know.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey… I won’t say I never eat frozen or ‘novelty’ pizzas as that would be a lie but obviously my preference is for a proper dough, stone baked, classic recipe pizza. I dig the tuna ones. Nettuna or Primavera.

    Having said that, if the urge takes me and I’m feeling a bit dirty I’ll not feel any shame eating a frozen Hawaian or however you spell it.

  30. Dave Says:

    No I wouldn’t, not if they were attacking social freedoms and the marvel that is consumerism. Especially not if the arsehole suggesting we are worshipping false icons is a big-hatted tit with a big, floating invisible fairy in the sky.

  31. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    COME ON MY BLOG IT’S NOT BEEN UPDATED IN AGES AND IS FULL OF SHIT ANYWAY!

  32. Mikey Says:

    I won’t condemn you Swineshead for your confession of frozen pizzas. I have had the odd one in my time too. The best that can be said is that they are quick and easy to make. Switch on oven, remove packaging, put in oven, and then take out when it looks about right. Have never found a pre made one that I consider to be any good, but some are passable as pizza like quick snacks when tired and hungry.

  33. Mikey Says:

    “marvel that is consumerism” I hope you say this in jest. Consumerism is destroying the World, literally and morally!

  34. Napoleon Says:

    “Consumerism is destroying the World”

    I stilol haven’t got round to watching that Al Gore film yet, but I reckon it’s got soemthing to do with ice or polar bears, hasn’t it?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Stilol’ and ‘soemthing’ are real words, as it ‘appens.

  36. Mikey Says:

    and rain forests and co2 emissions and war and corruption and greed.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Has my e-mail to you ended up in your spam box again?

  38. piqued Says:

    I only mentioned my blog cos it was relevant to the conflab

    Anyway, back to Coors…

    gribbet

    (anyone get that?)

  39. piqued Says:

    NC, yes, it did yesterday, I replied, I’ve an idea, hang on…

  40. Dave Says:

    It’s not destroying the world is it? It’s destroying the longevity of the human race, in theory, but even that’d be debatable.

    Besides, consumerism can exist without loads of CO2 emissions, can’t it?

    Also, I don’t want to end my days bedridden, under a quilt in a shit-soaked slum.

  41. Dave Says:

    Piqued- Coors is a fine product of consumerism, tasty, cold, smooth consumerism that makes me feel like a MAN.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I’ve an idea’…
    What’re you two bastards cooking up?

  43. Mikey Says:

    Also, I don’t want to end my days bedridden, under a quilt in a shit-soaked slum.

    But that is how our materialistic society makes you end up!

  44. Dave Says:

    I’ve seen Charlie and the Chocolate factory, Mikey. Let that teach you all you need to know.

  45. Mikey Says:

    Me too. (Gene Wilder one).

  46. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘in your spam box again’

    Filthy. Filthy.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Ey, ‘ey, ‘ey? Twat.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Morning all.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Morning. Dragon’s Den starts next week.

  50. Dave Says:

    “Me too. (Gene Wilder one).”

    That’d be WILLY WONKA and the chocolate factory. I can’t take your opinion seriously anymore.

  51. Clarry Says:

    Is it? Are they having the same dragons, or have they booted Caan? I think Peter and Duncan wear the trousers and they don’t like him much coz he undercuts them all the time.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I think Deborah Meaden’s had ’em all.

  53. Mikey Says:

    You may have a point there Dave….

    “they don’t like him much coz he undercuts them all the time”.

    And he is polite…

  54. Mikey Says:

    The original “girl dragon” was a laugh as her business plummeted….Didn’t jones and another have to invest in it…in real life.

  55. Dave Says:

    Reggae Reggae Chicken Subs, oh yeah!

    I love that damned sauce.

  56. Mikey Says:

    here it is… “Red Letter Days is owned by Theo Paphitis jointly with Peter Jones (a fellow Dragon) and was purchased out of administration in August 2005”.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    She did indeed… I used to have to deal with Red Letter Days in a professional capacity and they started going all shit and unreliable… then I read in the paper what was going on.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Nobody seems to have picked up on the point that Clarry’s last comment was a bit racist. Can she go the list?

  59. Who Says:

    I love Dragon Theo – his pens n’ paper shops spend lots of money keeping our little o’ biziniss afloat. And I haven’t even had to show him my breasts – yet.

    I made a pizza out of mashed potato and rice flour the other night (don’t eat wheat, y’see). It was, predictably, nothing like pizza.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t eat wheat? What’s this? One of those new-fangled intolerances everyone pretends to have nowadays?

  61. Who Says:

    Since I stopped eating it, I don’t get migraines any more – proper ones mind – projectile vomit inducing skull-crushers. No bread/pizza/cakes/biscuits/breadcrumb coated chicken products. I just squirt the garlic butter out now and leave the rest.

  62. Dave Says:

    What about Breakaway bars? Surely a Migrane’s a small sacrifice to make for one of them badboys.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Lightweight. I’ve been given and ignored thousands of dietary plans by interfering doctors over the years. I’m damned if I’m stopping eating bugger all just to please a bunch of socially-stunted quacks, fuck that! Mind you, I’m crashing headlong towards bowel cancer at a rate of knots … BUT AT LEAST I CAN EAT CURRY!

  64. Mikey Says:

    Breakaway bars are awful! Did Charlie and the chocolate factory not teach you anything?

  65. Dave Says:

    The taste is irrelivant. You can press the foil with your thumb across the foil to reveal the Breakaway logo – not as good as the wheat logo of yesteryear but better than any Wonkabar in the land. Actually, they brought out a range of Wonka products in the 90s, I believe. Weird coloured chocolate that tasted of crayons.

  66. Who Says:

    I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor or anything – I’ve imposed the entire regime on myself, based on a scientific cocktail of gossip, rumour and total coincidence. When did they stop putting foil around Kit Kats? I’ll tell you; when they found out that foil gives you the Aids, that’s when.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Foil gives you The AIDS? Fuck! Everything I eat is wrapped in foil first to stop space interference. I don’t want The AIDS, but I’ll wager I’ve got it now. Arses and bigger arses.

  68. Who Says:

    I’ll swap you the AIDS, bowel cancer plus all the Mini Kievs you could eat for a migraine. For free.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    True story:

    As a boy (five years of age, I believe) I used to suffer terrible migraines – not good in a child of that age, you’ll all agree. I was literally paralysed with pain and taking very heavy painkillers for a small boy which made me very sleepy and detached. We were made to work through an allergy list to find out what it was that I was ingesting that was causing all the bother.

    Firstly, chocolate was off limits, which broke my heart. When that failed to stop the migraines, the doc moved onto dairy and my beloved cheeses were banned.

    All this diet examination turned out to be in vain when my mother caught me watching The Incredible Hulk at 6am one morning with my face pressed up against the screen – a habit I’d got myself into so that I wouldn’t ever miss a moment of my favourite cartoon – and the cause og all my misery.

    So – Who – I think you’ll see from this that wheat isn’t your problem, it’s early morning ceebeebies.

  70. Mikey Says:

    Is anybody on this site normal?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    I never liked that cartoon. My favourite show when I was a kid was Question Time with Ludovic Kennedy. I was genuinely furious when that cunt Peter Sissons took over the reigns.

    I don’t mind Dimbleby now, mind.

  72. Who Says:

    I find a bit of 6am Hulk dulls the throbbing. So that’s another pleasure off limits, along with those ‘Scotch’ pancakes with the chcolate stuff already inside ’em.

    And Mikey – no.

  73. Mikey Says:

    Robin Day..!

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Why the hell did I think it was Ludovic Kennedy? Of course it was Robin Day. I blame the tin foil for fucking with my memories.

  75. Dave Says:

    Wasn’t it the shoddy sixties Spider-man cartoons they played at 6am?

  76. piqued Says:

    SH, if I’d caught you watching The Hulk at 6am I’d have painted myself green, ripped off my shirt and pulled your arms out of your tiny sockets whilst going grrr, grrr badly.

  77. piqued Says:

    DAVE, I FUCKING LOVED SPIDEY, WATCH IT

    HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BAD MOUTH YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD SPIDERMAN, SPIDERMAN DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN, INCLUDING LAY EGGS*

  78. piqued Says:

    *may not have been in the original lyrics

    WOTCH IT

  79. Napoleon Says:

    That Spiderman cartoon was crap as well.

  80. Dave Says:

    The 90s one was awesome, with the cgi city but the sixties one had the worst animation i’ve witnessed since Look and Read. You know this to be true.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    It looked like it was made for 50p a pop.

  82. Clarry Says:

    “Nobody seems to have picked up on the point that Clarry’s last comment was a bit racist. Can she go the list?”

    In what way was my comment racist NC?

  83. Napoleon Says:

    You want Caan off the show. In today’s PC climate, that’s racist, Clarry. You big racist.

    (Put ‘er on the list.)

  84. george Says:

    Political correctness gone mad. We’re going to hell in a hand basket. You couldn’t make it up.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    It’s very mild racism so she’s languishing at the bottom of the list. Unlike the obvious…

  86. Dave Says:

    …yes, mr George. You know who you are.

    Subway are racist, by the way. Not only are they making their staff wear pidgin English shirts to promote Reggae Reggae, but they have those big “Bella” spouting pepper corns with the daft moustaches. Subway are racist, as is Spiderman.

  87. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Bring back the Coors ads with Cliff from Cheers, I say.

  88. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It had terrible animation but was more camp and tongue-in-cheek, like old Batman. I liked them cartoons, despite not being a chocolate chimney ferret.

  89. smarkatch Says:

    I think she’s rather beautiful. Oh, to be as ‘plain and fat’ as her…

  90. piqued Says:

    ‘Political correctness gone mad. We’re going to hell in a hand basket. You couldn’t make it up’

    … it’s ‘going to hell in a hand CART’ George you fucking twit.

  91. Swineshead Says:

    Easy now – let’s all be nice.

  92. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I think George may have been taking the piss out of Richard Littlecock there Piqued!

  93. Nick of the T Says:

    Nick Tann, whore of the interweb!

    http://nicktann.blogspot.com/

  94. Nick of the T Says:

    She reminds me of that blonde in 3rd Rock From The Sun.

    Oh Jebus!!…..

  95. mr pedantic Says:

    “baseball hatted tossers with three quarter-length shorts and Billabong t-shirts”

    what year are u living in? 1992? get with it deary

    and how is this girl fat?!?!? or plain!?!?!?!? love to see what you look like. twat.

  96. Dave Says:

    You’d expect a gentleman called Mr Pedantic to be somewhat astute.

  97. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nicely put, Dave. I would also add MR PEDANTICZ A SHITZ, YEAH?

  98. piqued Says:

    Mr pendantic, you’d love to see what I look like?

    You flatter me sir but sorry, I’m not gay.

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