The A-Team

by

I used to think The A-Team was great when I was a kid – really, really great. Sadly, twenty years down the line, it turns out the show’s a big pile of shit. I know this now because I watched five episodes back-to-back on Sunday and they were all awful. I was dismayed to discover that my childhood heroes were twits. That’s right, TWITS.

BA is a whining bully covered in a heap of stupid gold jewellery, Hannibal is a smug twat, Murdoch’s loony ways are annoying instead of amusing and Face is a greasy arsehole. All four together piss you off. They should be called ‘The Shitty Team’, or ‘The Twats Team’ … or something much more amusing than those last two suggestions.

The opening narration goes like this:

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.”

However, the opening monologue should really go like this:

“In 1972, four twats ran away from the Vietnam War and hid in a van in Los Angeles in the 80s. There, still wanted by the government, they survived in plain sight by starring in movies, being committed to state insane asylums, running a string of businesses, and being a car mechanic with the most recognizable look of anyone in the entire Los Angeles area – so, out of sight, out of mind, then. If you’ve borrowed money off a loan shark and now don’t want to pay the money back, and if you can find them (which doesn’t seem all that hard, as it ‘appens), then maybe you can hire that shower of wazzocks – The A-Team.”

That’s what happened in one show. An Italian bloke borrowed money off this loan shark chap, and then went running to the fucking A-Team when he couldn’t meet the (admittedly outrageous) repayments. And what did that old twat Hannibal do?

Well, he didn’t tell the old Italian fella to go fuck himself. No. He put on a bloody awful Oirish accent, borrowed money off the shark, opened an Oirish pub, then bust the shark’s ass with the aid of his team. At no stage did anyone say to the Italian bloke that borrowing $10,000 off a man who tells you he’ll ‘break yer head’ if you don’t repay triple the amount back was a stupid idea. No, they just meted out the justice – A-Team style – on the loan shark. Alright, so the shark deserved it, but surely the Italian guy deserved a smack on the kisser from BA’s big fat fists for being so stupid? Apparently not.

In another episode, an old bastard was in danger of losing the foster home he ran because he’d run up massive gambling debts. The heavies moved in, punched the old guy in the guts, and he signed over his house in lieu of payment. Fair enough, you might think … but no! Off his daughter runs to Hannibal! And what does he do? Does he tell her her dad can go whistle if he thinks his team of 1972 crack commandos is bailing the old bastard out of his self-inflicted gambling debts? Does he arse! He fires up the team and busts the ass of the man who’s owed money! Problem solved! Huzzah! Huzzah for the fucking A-Team!

None of this bothered me when I was ten. I was in it for the guns and the car chases and BA refusing to get on planes ‘n’ shit. I enjoyed the way the team could make an Apache attack helicopter out of three slices of cake and a fish finger. I loved it when Face got the poodle-haired ladies, when BA cracked some heads, when Hannibal dressed up in a stupid wig to deceive the bad guy, and I loved it when Murdoch went bonkers in a wedding dress. Most of all, I loved it when a plan came together.

Well not anymore. The A-Team are dead to me now, DEAD. Now I know they’re a bunch of bastards who’ll help out any old cunt with a sob-story, regardless of whether that cunt’s the author of his own misfortune or not.

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit.”

They should have been put in front of a firing squad.

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64 Responses to “The A-Team”

  1. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    “being committed to state insane asylums”

    Maybe they should be committed to an INANE asylum.

    Anyone?

    Hello?

    Oh.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    JQW, do you do nothing other than look at the internet all day?

  3. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I just came back from lunch and a session on the piano, this was up. Sorry, was I interrupting you?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    No, it was a genuine question.

  5. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wow, you really have a very strange opinion of me. I’m just quick-fingered when I do check on here. Ah well.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    As a life-long lover of The A-Team, I’d like to disagree with this writer in the strongest terms.

  7. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Go ahead then.

  8. Dave Says:

    Top notch post here. I’ve never been a great fan, preferring the evil twin plots Knight Rider offered, the thrills of Street Hawk and the slique Airwolf. Sod the A-Team.

    They’re making a Bruce Willis version too, I hear.

  9. piqued Says:

    I just had one of those awful burning poos where each evacuation sounds like intermittent transmission of Santa Pod with the occasional emergence of fetid black yolk born of tan albumen.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Black Yolk. Good name for a band that.

  11. Dave Says:

    Big Black Yolk

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Pah! Child’s play. I wouldn’t even bother getting out of bed to have a crap as small-fry as that … well I would, obviously, but you get what I’m drivin’ at …

    LIGHTWEIGHT.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    As I keep remarking, since I gave up the grog my plops have been lead heavy and as thick as a horse’s spinal column.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Still off the sauce, eh? I’m not, which is why I empty the Ganges out of my arse twice a day. Oh yes, that’s right, girls. Any ladies fancy meeting up for a drink? Ladies?

    LADIES?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, I can see why this …

    http://cougarjump.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/closing-price-and-volume-were-up-2-days-2-jul-2007/

    … is possibly related to a post about how shit The A-Team turns out to be.

  16. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Isn’t that how Robocop sees?

  17. Dave Says:

    Can’t wait for the new Robocop movie, out 2010. Quite.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    They’re making another one? Jesus. I wonder if it’s going to be as bad as Robocop 2? Or Robocop 3? Or, fuck it, Robocop?

    *adds another chunk of coal to the fire*

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Robocop’s great, mate. As is any film that features toxic waste in a barrel labelled ‘toxic waste’.

  20. Dave Says:

    Yes they are, and The Avengers is being made too, not the one Uma Thurman destroyed but the comic YE!

    Robocop 3 is brill.

  21. george Says:

    Great article! Having been born 10 years too late, the A Team hype boat left me on the island, I remember watching it a few years ago and thinking it was a cross between Rambo and Scrap Heap challenge.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Robocop’s a bag of rubbish. Mind you, it’s not half as bad as the two films I watched last night – Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 and Zombie Strippers. Fuck me, they were woeful films. You wouldn’t think it from the titles, would you?

  23. george Says:

    Didn’t Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 win The Palme D’Or a few years back?

  24. Dave Says:

    Robocop is a perfect example of what all films should be. It has the 1940s goons and villians pitted against a half-man, half-machine creature and the, AW MA GAAWWWWD, ED-209 BITCH!

    Take away all the sentimental shit and you could even say it’s almost better than Judge Dredd and Tank Girl. Almost.

  25. Dave Says:

    “you have fifteen seconds to comply” I think NWA sampled that on one of their tracks, YEAH!

  26. Swineshead Says:

    I like the way Clarence says ‘Bitches leave’ and the women scuttle off immediately. Could be the gun he’s carrying rather than his authority but it’s a striking way to treat the fairer sex.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    It may well have done, George. Are you sure you’re not thinking of the original Amateur Porn Star Killer? A film I must confess I haven’t yet seen …

    … and never will on the evidence of its monstrous sequel.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Judge Dredd and Tank Girl were fucking awful as well. In fact, those two were WORSE than Amateur Porn Star Killer 2 (number two in the Amateur Porn Star Killer Quadrilogy – box set available September 2009). QAnd Robocop’s not much better. You people don’t ‘alf wolf down some shite.

  29. Dave Says:

    Plus Buckaroo Bonzai plays Robocop…and there are japanese ninja robots…

  30. Dave Says:

    Hmm Lori Petty hooking up with Ice T dressed as a Kangaroo or any of the drivel you watch. Hmm. And Stanley Winston crafted tanks with big-ass shit stuck to them and shit. It even has Naomi Watts as a LESBIAN, a LESBIAN that isn’t some over-stretched allegory only the director himself understands, and that Malcolm McDowell from A Clockwork Orange, but more importantly the stirling Gangster No1 as the worst bad guy in the history of cinema. Subversively so, of course.

    Tasteless arse.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    You’ve done my work for me in describing how fucking awful Tank Girl is, Dave. Care to put the boys and girls off Judge Dredd next?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    The Tank Girl movie was disowned by Jamie Hewlett. Only yesterday I was reading about the creator of Tank Girl rubbishing the Tank Girl film.

    It was shit. Sorry Dave.

    http://arts.guardian.co.uk/art/visualart/story/0,,2291826,00.html

  33. Dave Says:

    I don’t give a damn who disowned it. David Fincher’s ashamed of Alien Cubed and that’s awesome. Pfft.

    Perhaps I like the fact it’s shit, perhaps i’m being all ironic. Ever think of that?

    Masters of the Universe is genuinely brilliant though.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Alien 3’s awesome? Did they make two of them? The shit one where lots of bald British bit-part actors get chased around a steelworks by a crappy CGI alien, and the awesome one Dave’s on about? I only ask, because the last time I was struck dumb by a sense of awe was when I rounded a corner and beheld Florence cathedral. I don’t recall this happening when I watched that third really bad Alien film.

  35. Dave Says:

    No CGI alien in the film, it was stop-motion and puppetry. Plus, yes they have made two of them or, at least, an improved version with oxen and more space lice. Fuck your renaissance shit (I’ll assert that’s the period). Fuck it.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Apart from the CGI used in the film, of course. Like when his head splits apart in that lead smelting thing? Apart from bits like that, yes? No CGI – except those sort of things? Yes?

    And you needed the Renaissance shit first to get to the shit Alien film, Dave. Without it, you wouldn’t now be able to salivate over wank such as Alien 3, Tank Girl and Judge Dredd.

  37. Dave Says:

    Ha ha, I think you’re being far too generous there Perry.

    So we’re saying no cgi alien, unless the cgi wasn’t of the alien but of a head? That kind of cgi alien – eh, Perry? The none alien kind of alien, eh? Yes?

  38. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not wrong though, am I, Dave? Eh? HA HA.

    And why am I being too generous?

  39. Dave Says:

    To entertain any relation between Renaissance art and shoddy films aimed at spotty, crispy boxered adolescents.

  40. Dave Says:

    I think you won that…

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Not really. For civilisation to reach the point where it can throw away its talents on shit like Alien 3, it first needed to take a great leap forward such as the one the art world took in Europe in the 16th century. Obviously, being a dumbass, you don’t think in these terms. Instead, you sit there scratching your spotty, cottage cheese coloured arse watching Alien 3 thinking its ‘awesome’.

    This is because you’re an ignorant baboon, Dave. Cheerio, baboon.

  42. Clarry Says:

    “you have fifteen seconds to comply” I think NWA sampled that on one of their tracks, YEAH!

    No, it was Silver Bullet wot sampled it. But, probably for copywright reasons they made the song ’20 seconds to comply’.

    In fact that’s funny because I played that only the other day when I came across my tape ‘The Right Stuff 2’, on which the aforementioned tune featured. Incidentally, that was an ACE tape.

  43. dave Says:

    So Perry, a lazy artist that spends more time hunched over UKHistory with shows like Barry Chuckles Adventures in Steam, and Jeremy Clarkson’s Renegade Renaissance Ramble, can see the connection between a previous point in civilisation and our current society. Well fuck-de-whooping-do, what an intellectual gargantuan you are.

    Using your shitty logic ANY point in history from the earlist chippings of genitals into stones could be referenced. The art of story telling did not begin when someone painted a bearded bloke, albeit perfectly, onto a ceiling.

    I’m still a baboon.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    OK, Dave. You carry on being an idiot there. Clearly you don’t understand how history works, and assume the design on show in shit like Alien 3 sprung fully-formed into the world without any need for hundreds of years of discovery (rules of perspective, anyone?) first. You carry on with this bizarre delusion of yours – it only makes you look utterly fucking stupid, that’s all.

    And if you read back, you’ll find I wasn’t referring to the Renaissance being relevant to the storytelling, you fucking ignoramous. Mind you, the world that the likes of Marlowe and Shakespeare (arguably the godfathers of modern storytelling) thrived in was made possible by the outpouring of creativity that had occurred just a few short years before. So yeah, that fits too.

    But shit, there I go plucking irrelevant bits of history out of thin air again. Perhaps I’ll give up on understanding how one thing led to another, and instead spend my time wanking over shit like Doctor Who and The X-Files, living in a bubble where nothing that came before me is of any relevance whatsoever.

    Bumpkin.

  45. Clarry Says:

    *copyright

  46. Mikey Says:

    Crumbs..we’re on the subject of art again. I know what I like and I like what I know, preferably colourful!

  47. dave Says:

    Fuck you, Perry. You and your brain.

  48. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon is correct to say that art and literature (and music, architecture, science, dance, food indeed EVERYTHING) has it’s antecedence and that antecedence is relevant to the present. Don’t forget cross polination of ideas, ie just for the sake of argument Punk can be found not only in music but writing, fashion, art. Dave is right to point out this might be stating the obvious. Then again as we are a happy band of cyber expressionists it is just as well to go over the principles.

  49. Mikey Says:

    Applying the same principle, the participants on the Jeremy Kyle show have been a product of man’s evolution and ability to survive by mastery of the environment and intellectual advancement.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon’s only got four GCSEs

    *snigger*

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Sometimes you need to state the obvious to morons like Dave, Mikey.

    On a different subject, where the fuck is the Dragon’s Den review?

  52. Napoleon Says:

    “Napoleon’s only got four GCSEs”

    And bloody proud of it.

  53. Mikey Says:

    This website is the 21st Century cyber evolution of the cafe “Les deux magots” as we discuss and debate our cultural and philosophical existence and our relationship with the absolute.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    As the owner of only four GCSEs, I haven’t the faintest idea what Mikey’s just said.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Dragons’ Den review (there’s more than one of them, check that apostrophe) is UP.

    And it’s HUGE.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Me either, NC, and I’ve got 10. Well – nine and a bit.

  57. dave Says:

    He’s also nearing his 40s and, I assume, has an enquiring mind.

    Sod Dragon’s Den, I’ve booked my tickets for The Dark Knight for tomorrow, then after that I’m seeing Moby do an intimate dj set. Better.

  58. Clarry Says:

    Moby can be added to my list…

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Moby’s rubbish.

  60. dave Says:

    It’s a fiver a pop though, Swineshead. So for that kind of dollar it’s worth it for curiosity’s sake, no?

  61. Clarry Says:

    Didn’t Moby say that he liked to rub his knob on females when they weren’t looking? I’m sure i read that somewhere.

  62. dave Says:

    No, that’d be his head.

  63. Clarry Says:

    What he used to rub his head on unsuspecting females? Whether it was his knob or his head, which ever way you look at it he’s a fruit loop.

  64. paul Says:

    Really funny. Love your writing sir.

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