Dragons’ Den


A new series of Dragons Den then. A kind of apology for The Apprentice having ended. The wafting hand clearing up the final aroma strains from an Alan Sugar trump. No changes to the line up this time round – it’s the same sour faces as last time sitting in a moody row on plush leather seats in a miserable loft conversion. And, of course, perma-grinning Evan Davis scuttles around downstairs like a friendly cockroach to apply soothing balm to those contestants who descend the stairs shell-shocked and pitch-beaten. Unless they’ve won – which is a rarity and depends on a Dragon’s mood. It also depends on how the result of the inevitable game of one-upmanship between the four bastards turns out.

It’s the dynamic between the Dragons that’s made this show work since the first ever episode graced our screens. Remember when that weird sideburn man who runs disgusting Japanese food-theft disaster, Yo! Sushi was in it? Thank God they got rid of that corporate hippy. And thank God they got rid of the Red Letter Day woman – purchase ledger nightmare that she turned out to be – and replaced her with the woman of all our dreams, Debbie The Bombshell Meaden.

So, to briefly analyse the interpersonal relationships between the mediators…

James Caan: The silent shit. Caan is an outcast who keeps his balls to the wall and strokes his top lip like a semaphore artist waggles his flags. His body language attempts to say ‘I’m taking this all on board’ when it actually clearly says ‘I haven’t a clue what to do as nobody likes me’. His independence means he can’t as easily arrange split ventures with other Dragons, so he’s prone to making easily usurped offers. All sympathy for the outwardly pleasant Caan drops when you realise he made all his money in the slime-soaked recruitment industry.

Duncan Bannatyne: Everyone’s favourite male Dragon. Looks like a washed up 80s crooner – is in fact the head of a fitness empire. His cute quiff, gangly legs and gruff Caledonian manner make him a lovable bastard. He has a tendency to call a spade a spade. In fact, he has more of a tendency to call a spade rubbish, before demonstrating how flimsy it is by cracking it over his knee. He pretends he gets on with Caan (he has to – he sits next to him) and has the respect of the others, but really this guy is the very definition of ‘loner’.

Deborah Meaden: How do I love ye? Let me count the ways. Meaden takes no bullshit, because she knows bullshit like the back of her bullshitting hand – and you’ve got bullshit all over you, you bullshitty bastard. Deborah is transparently in love with Theo as she’s always trying to find ways of striking a deal involving the two of them, and she visibly crumbles when he mentions ‘Missus Paphitis’ in jealous despair.

Theo Paphitis: Despite being loyal to his enormous wife (he said it, not me), Theo is battling constantly with the true love he can’t conceal for enormo-breasted Debs. Well-liked due to his being a tiny little man, Theo often plays the fool before kicking in with a hard lesson in the steely world of business. Never mess with the little man.

Peter Jones: The villain of the piece. Everyone despises Jonesy. Everyone. He’s a physical and financial giant the other Dragons simply can’t measure up against. More likely to make a big money deal on his own than with any other player – he’s occasionally up for splitting the odd deal but is more likely to go off on his own, like some demented cyborg. You mess with Jones, you mess with the force of death. N.B – Jones’s pubes are shaved into a perfect circle – click here for evidence.

A brief rundown of last night’s episode:

Likeable indie lads with a generic sound got signed up by Jonesy in a three-way stand off against a Meaden/Theo vs Dunc/Cann pair of alliances. How a band can be treated as a business I don’t quite understand, but Jonesy has contacts in Sony, apparently. Don’t expect them to be number one just yet.

Travel Cushion
Nice enough idea – but you wouldn’t buy one. Labelled stupid by the Dragons who rounded on the poor sod because he worked at ASDA. Doesn’t really seem fair. We’ve all got to start somewhere. Death nell sounded when, pushed for financial reports he stated he was ‘never a fan of maths’. Derided by the Dragons for that, elevated to hero status for me.

Air Oasis Ltd
Water from air, apparently. These alchemists (and ex-hoover salesmen) claimed they could make water from the atmosphere then demonstrated their magical abilities. Unfortunately Barry their salesman was a rapid-fire arse and he sank the pitch, even before the water was declared to taste awful – with much theatrical mouth-wiping from the Dragons.

Baby Supporter
Nice couple who aimed to convert all children into couch potatoes in infancy. Didn’t get very far.

Strike Trainer
Unimpressive punchbag that counts calories burned. Shot down in flames.

Lay Line Sheet
A comical item, suited to the novelty rack in Urban Outfitters. This sheet had a territory line marked for couples arguing over bed space. I could relate to this one and might’ve made it a whimsical stocking filler. Clearly the Dragons sleep in separate beds to their partners as they weren’t buying it and made a mockery of the Morgan Spurlock fellow who was trying to flog it with his lovely wife. Weirdly, Debs gave them hell despite her involvement with You Doo doll – a similarly amusing and novelty project made by friend of WWM, Sarah Lu. ‘Let’s draw a line under this’ said Theo, in the first weak pun of the series.

Graduate Social Networking
An unprepared contestant tried to sell this idea that nobody could understand. Bannatyne unfairly dismissed it as he’s grumpy he had to pay his kids’ university fees.

Paradise Panels
Stupid, sub-kitsch panels that display exotic backdrops in your back garden. On your fence. ‘Don’t take offence (a fence)’ said Theo, doubling his crap joke quotient.

Party Organisers
If there’s an industry which is based more in nothingness, I’d be keen to hear about it. Party Organisers are usually good-looking, horribly trendy idiots. Yet these two were likable types, and James and Duncan won the battle to get involved despite another multi-Dragon stand off. I couldn’t see the attraction, but then I don’t go to the types of parties where moving trees and silver living-statues are part of the backdrop, thank Christ. Having said that, I don’t go to any parties at all as I’m a miserable turd.

And that was that. By episode three I’ll wager Theo and Meaden will be on the floor in a naked embrace, as Jonesy and Evan Davis slyly thwack their bald marmosets through pocket-lining.

Pre-order that Kleenex, boys and girls.

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216 Responses to “Dragons’ Den”

  1. Chalky Says:

    “Evan Davis scuttles around downstairs like a friendly cockroach to apply soothing balm to those contestants who descend the stairs shell-shocked and pitch-beaten”

    Very good description and very funny summation. Looking forward to the next one.


  2. Napoleon Says:

    “Don’t take offence (a fence),” wasn’t really up to Theo’s usual standards, was it? Where were his ‘This is about as useful as a chocolate parrot in an underpant shop’ quips? His ‘Mrs. P. would be better off buying a donkey in a hurricane’ one-liners? I hope he’s not turned his back on nonsensical jokes in favour of puns, the rat-faced dwarf.

    Compliments to the chef on this review.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks, Chalky. Are you the Chalky who taught me sports at school? If so, a curse on your name. If not, no curse on your name.

  4. Mikey Says:

    Hamfatter!! Why the name? Listened to one of their songs on their website. Sounds like Squeeze. Derivative rather than ground breaking. No doubt the publicity of being “discovered” on “Dragons Den” will give them exposure. Article will probably appear about them in “Wonderland” another of Jones’ investments. Middle class lads with a safe image gets investment from Peter Jones. All a bit contrived and ultimately not very rock N roll in terms of the ethos of art form.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Is he THE Chalky? The fucking bastard. Still looking at little boys’ cocks in the showers, eh Chalky? You filthy fucking paedophile.*


  6. Swineshead Says:

    Puns were always Jonesy’s specialist line, weren’t they? Theo’s trying to get in on the act. I wonder what his rotund bingo-loving wife actually looks like.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t believe Wonderland’s still going. I saw it in the shop the other day and hid it behind a copy of Homes and Gardens (as I suspect not many people purchase that magazine in the council-estate zones of Hackney)

  8. Swineshead Says:

    NC – he might not be THE Chalky – he might be a nice one. Like Charlie Chalk.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    I imagine she’s one of those trussed-up, big-haired, orange-skinned, fur-coated harridans you often see on the arms of self-made men. A bit like David Dickinson’s lizard-skinned companion. Shit made good. Shirley – Wife of the Ball-Bearing Millionaire.

    And you’re right. Theo’s muscling in on Jones’s territory. He should stick to surreal one-liners that he doesn’t realise are surreal.

  10. Mikey Says:

    Now that DD has come in to the nations psyche, any product or business they invest in will have a natural starting advantage by the exposure. That “reggae, reggae” sauce would have got nowhere without DD. Now it has become almost symbiotic as that sandwich outlet specifically advertises that sauce.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not had any of that sauce because that Levi Roots bloke struck me as a bit of a slippery customer.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I sat next to Levi Roots in a Thai restaurant above a pub the week before last. He seemed nice enough. But then, good manners can hide a multitude of sins.

  13. dave Says:

    I love that sauce. It’s like HP mixed with black bean.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds horrible.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not pushing my buttons either, I have to admit.

    Deborah, Deborah Meaden.
    She’s so nice I said it twice.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    She’s got those face lines that make her look like Droopy in a blonde wig. You wanna fuck Droopy, do you? Is that what you’re saying? You bad egg.

  17. Mikey Says:

    She would make a good “Madam” of a house of disrepute. Now there’s a business idea!

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I always liked Droopy but was too young to realise what kind of relationship I’d have wanted with him.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I think it’s become clear you want the sort of relationship with Droopy that begins and ends at Droopy’s arse-end.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I couldn’t speculate on that.

    Have you ever been to a party where they’ve got living statues and the like? I went to one where there were people dressed as vampires and dancing girls. And free champagne.

    I got kicked out.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never been to one of those sort of parties, no. I did once gatecrash a family reunion by pretending to be a distant long-lost cousin. Somewhere out there there’s a family who has a group shot of us all – Frank, cousin Anne, Big Steve, Colin’s boy, and me, looking shifty on the end with a stolen can of Heineken in my hand.

    Bloody good barbecue them buggers put on.

  22. Clarys Says:

    Two things:

    1) A band? I don’t understand how you sell a band to the Dragons as an idea, and then they all proceeded to practically cream their pants over them! What the fuck?

    2) The bedsheet. Ok, so there’s a line in it. Right, ok. Which does what? Does it buzz if you roll onto it? Does it create an invisible forcefield that you cannot penetrate (arf)? No? Then what’s the fucking point?!

    As you can see, the episode angered me more than a little.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    I must say I was slightly bewildered by that line on a sheet thing. Why not go the whole hog and erect barb wire fencing, watchtowers and dog patrols? Either that or give ‘er a slap if she strays over the border, eh lads? Lads?


  24. Swineshead Says:

    Leave off the bedsheet – it has NOVELTY value, alright?

    As for gatecrashing parties, the art students’ parties at University were always interesting. We developed a culture of crashing ‘artistic parties’. One notable one involved the party goers running around topless, boys and girls. The boys punched one another, drawing blood. I think it was some kind of statement.

    We sat on the sidelines watching as our minds boggled.

  25. Mikey Says:

    Agree with you Clarry. Was going to make the same sort of point…

  26. Mikey Says:

    I found the band bit a bit embarrasing.

  27. Clarry Says:

    Mikey – I didn’t say anything about DD yet. Are you mixing me and Clarys up?

  28. Mikey Says:

    Yes the bedsheet has novelty value. You could make bedsheets marked out as football pitches, tennis courts etc. for novelty value. But novelty has a limited market and the idea was basically stupid.

  29. Mikey Says:

    Yes I am mixing you up.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Oh yeah – well YOU’RE basically stupid, Mikey.

    How d’ye like them pommes, monsieur??

  31. dave Says:

    I’m having problems posting an awesome link on this blog.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    And actual grown-ups don’t tend to go in for novelty when it comes to their bed linen. Retarded men-children, girls who refuse to admit they’re not 16 anymore, arseholes, yes, but not normal people. You could probably shift a lot of units to students.

  33. george Says:

    Hamfatter. I bet they have a guy with aviators and skinny jeans that sings ‘woah woah’ during the chorus. I bloody hate indie.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I hate indie’

    I hate it when people dismiss entire genres. Unless it’s Westerns.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Westerns are good. I watched Open Range t’other day. Excellent gunfight at the end, and Costner manages not to get on your nerves.

  36. Wenchy Says:

    In fairness, the blokes in Hamfatter (AWFUL name) looked fairly sound and normal.

    I think I shall change my name from Clarys, I can understand that it gets a smidge confusing! I shall be known as Wenchy from now.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Some Westerns are alright, which only proves my point that you shouldn’t dismiss entire genres.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    I thought Hamfatter were alright. Couldn’t gauge the music from a ten second clip, mind you.

  39. fos Says:

    You can buy a Layline bed sheet from Ebay or at http://www.laylinebedsheet.co.uk.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Canny promotion there, Fos – but aren’t you going to defend yourself?!

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I have no opinion on Hamfatter because my ears closed down in 1993.

  42. george Says:

    SH: I’m not dismissing a genre. ‘Guitar pop’ is the genre that most modern day ‘indie’ bands belong to, and that’s been churning out classics since the early 1950s. ‘Independent’ is a business model, and not a musical genre. ‘Indie’ is a brand given to white middle class bands in a misguided attempt to make them seem more authentic and cool. See ‘Nu-Metal.’

  43. Mikey Says:

    As I said it the layline sheet is a great idea and will be ordering one!

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Depends what era you’re talking about, George. I agree that it’s been tarnished and used in place of that unworkable genre-name ‘alternative’.

    But in the 80s and early 90s indie was a genre as much as a business model. You wouldn’t know that as you were born in what… 1994?

  45. Mikey Says:

    Indie bands on independent record labels was how it started.

  46. Clarry Says:

    NC – ‘Retarded men-children’ is probably my favouritest laff-out-loud funny thing you said on here. That is a very apt desciption.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Indie to me is stuff like The Happy Mondays, The Stone Roses and The Inspiral Carpets. You mean to tell me it’s still about? I better re-grow my curtains.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Glad to be of service.

  49. Mikey Says:

    Much before….Stiff probably started the wholething off as potentially profitable.

  50. dave Says:

    Deborah from Dragon’s Den looks like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (my bedsheet theme), since I can’t attach the link to prove how right I am about this. Krang.

  51. Mikey Says:

    Actually , thinking about in terms of Napoleon’s “all things are related historically” thesis, perhaps Apple and The Beatles were the forerunners of the independent movement.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Were they? Fair enough. I know that stuff I mentioned as ‘Indie’ because that’s what they called the music I was listening to in 1990. Apple was an independent label, so I suppose they were the forerunners. That company was a fucking shambles.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    What was the name of that bloke who ran Apple?
    ‘Magic’ Alan or something. he was a loon.

  54. Mikey Says:

    Anyway music is music and classifying it is really all a bit silly, but it appeals to our innate sense of the need to order and classify.

  55. Mikey Says:

    Only classifications needed are , 1). I like it. 2). I do not like it….with further subdivisions of these 2 positions.

  56. george Says:

    SH: I was born in 1986, the same year the C86 mixtape came out. I’m 22. I am aware that indie was born out of guitar rock / pop musicians that worked an independently to mainstream record labels, but it’s exactly that reason that they were called independent, isn’t it?

    I mean, if you stick by such labels, then a new album by Mayhem could be called ‘old metal’ while whatever piss-weak rap rock musings Fred Durst comes up with would be ‘new metal.’

    I understand that alternative / indie is an officially recognised genre (and I’m not slagging off the Smiths, The Pixies, Joy Division et al who I love most passionately), merely voicing my irritation with so called ‘genres’ that aren’t genres, Nu-rave been another example.

  57. Mikey Says:

    It’s always been the case George in whatever genre of music there is, whether it be classical, jazz, rock n’ roll there will always be divisions and subdivisions etc, ad infinitum.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    George – I’n happy to slag off The Smiths if you’re not up for the job.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Vastly overrated, Them Smiths characters.

  60. george Says:

    NP: Be my guest!

  61. george Says:

    I’ve always loved their music, but been of the opinion that Morrisey is a grade A bellend. A bit like Newcombe and and the Brian Jonestown Massacre.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    It was his ‘Meat is Murder’ schtick that got on my fucking nerves. Murder, my arse.

  63. Mikey Says:

    Johnny Marr is a guitarist I like.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I’m sure Battenburg Cake’s not as good as it used to be.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently this is bingo-loving big girl (his words, not mine) Mrs Paphitis:


    She’s a dead ringer for Debs Meaden, if you ask me.

  66. Swineshead Says:


    She has stunned you with her bingo-loving face.

    If the classroom at school went all quiet, someone would inevitably shout ‘WHO’S DIED?’

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Hmmm. She’s not ‘alf as orange as I expected. P’raps vulgar wives in big fur coats are only attracted to self-made men who made their millions in the antiques/pallets/ball-bearing trade?

    I’m trying very hard not to be sick at the minute. It’s difficult considering The Lighthouse Family are on the radio. If Simply Red comes on, I’m fucked.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    I was forced to go to Yo! Sushi yesterday by work folk. They’ve ruined my guts, I tell you. That;s why they got such a slating in the above post, the gut-bothering culture thieving twats.

  69. dave Says:

    Yo! Sushi has never disagreed with me, I go at least once a month. You’re just damned unlucky, orm you don’t know how to wash your hands.

  70. Mikey Says:

    Was never impressed with that chain. If you want authentic Japanese food, ..go to Tokyo.

  71. dave Says:

    Sod off, mikey. I should have bumbled across to Denmark for my pastried product today, should I? And to Italia tonight for my Tesco pizza.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    Quite right, Mikey. There are loads of good sushi restaurants in any major city – anyone who chooses Yo! Sushi over other independent or a smaller chain is clearly an unimaginative shitwit.


  73. dave Says:

    No, I live in Manchester not London. I have a choice of two Sushi places, one independent. I go to both.

  74. Mikey Says:

    Denmark for your pastry…! Danish pastry ha ha ha. You could have a Bath bun or a Chelsea bun you fool!

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Ever thought about cooking the fish first, you apes? ‘Yo Sushi’, indeed. You’re nothing but a pack of uncivilised savages. Next you’ll be telling me you eat this raw rubbish with a couple of sticks.


  76. Mikey Says:

    Do they have Tesco’s in Italy?

  77. george Says:

    Don’t know why he would be going Italy anyway, considering pizza was invented in China.

  78. dave Says:

    No. That’s my point. I can enjoy an Anglo-Italian dish like Tesco’s 40p mini cheese and tomato topped, by myself, with bacon, sweetcorn and Daddies ketchup.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you’re a hopeless liar. I’m typing this on the internet so I have access to google, see?


  80. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – have you got an iPod?

  81. dave Says:

    Sod off. There are noodle bars and hopelessly expensive places, I grant but I’ve clocked one affordable Sushi bar in the northern quarter and Yo! Sushi under Selfridges.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – No.

  83. dave Says:

    Oh, and a rubbish one in Arndale Market that’s rubbish so doesn’t count.

  84. Mikey Says:

    Actually the supermarket Sushi’s are not too bad.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    You didn’t even look at that link, did you Dave? Maybe you should use the internet as a resource for getting out and about occasionally rather than researching sci fi rubbish and hardcore pornography.

  86. dave Says:

    And the only decent Sushi place on that horrific link was Wasabi, the place I bloody go as it happens. I lie about many thing but never, never sushi.

  87. Swineshead Says:

    ‘No, I live in Manchester not London. I have a choice of two Sushi places, one independent. I go to both.’

    That’s what you said. And it was wrong. A lie, no less.

    Have you got something against the Japanese?

  88. Mikey Says:

    and Dave ..”Daddies ketchup” whats that about? Anybody with any culinary taste would always go for Heinz.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    What’s to lie about about raw meat. Man eat raw meat with stick, man get sea lice in belly, man spend five days shitting thunder, man curse Japanese, man cook food next time.

  90. dave Says:

    WTF! A Japanese restaurant is not the same as a Sushi bar, never will be. Nor is a noodle bar like Wagamama.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    A man with a speech impediment has just tried to say ‘Moderate drinkers shouldn’t worry’. Made me laugh.

    In other news, Christian Bale’s just been arrested.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    You said ‘sushi places’ – there were more than two sushi ‘places’ on that list. For fuck’s sake… give up.

    What’s Bale done wrong? Wonder if he was on Clarry’s list…

    As for raw fish – you’re not one of these people who likes their steak well done are you, NC?

  93. Mikey Says:

    ahh..had a friend who ordered Steak Tartare and sent it back because it was not cooked.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Bale apparently ‘assaulted’ his mother and sister in a hotel (don’t know what sort of an assault that is). They shopped him to the rozzers.

    As for steak, no I tend to have it rare. As anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of cooking will tell you, there’s a difference between rare and raw. Raw meat eaten with sticks was a particular delicacy before someone with a bone through his nose discovered fire thousands of years ago.

    Plus, those sea lice. Nasty. Japanese people apparently have an immunity to their dangers thanks to eating this shit over millennia. We haven’t.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously not really millennia. That’s quite a long time.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Good to see that you’re giving some thought to what you type, Napoleon.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Well I

  98. Napoleon Says:

    HA! I was about to say something about the fact I was, then I sent a ‘Well I’ flapping off into the ether. Must have ingested some sea lice.

  99. Mikey Says:

    Actually in Europe there is no such thing as fresh fish. All fish caught in EU waters has to be frozen for 24 hours (then dethawed). The reason is the pollution in the sea.

    Passing on to another subject, the sushi bars and the like are for intellectual arty fart types and wannabes. You can’t beat the whelk bars and jellied eels, and the good old pie and mash shops that made this nation.

  100. Swineshead Says:

    Rudimentary research demonstrates that sea lice affect fish and pose no danger to humans. Good job I wasn’t fretting about them while tucking into delicious sushi all those years, then.

    Of course raw meat is different to rare-cooked meat – but the bit of meat that is rare is effectively raw (despite having been heated) – so you have eaten raw meat. Aren’t you worried about cow-lice?

    I am surrounded by morons.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Your ‘research’ amounts to what, exactly? Typing ‘sea lice’ into Wikipedia? If so, forgive me if I don’t immediately bow down to the ‘knowledge’ you’ve garnered from an open source encylopaedia that’s been damned as a disgrace by every serious academic body on earth.

    Or have they got a large reference library containing books on ocean parasites in your office? Like you say, you’re surrounded by morons – the biggest one of which is you.

    And it still doesn’t get away from the fact you’re eating raw meat with a stick, apeman.

  102. Mikey Says:

    Dewa kore de.

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Click to access Sea_Lice_Fact_Sheet.pdf

    This helped.

    Where did you hear about these demon sea lice? A gaggle of old wives tell you that tale, did they?

    How come you ignored them about the ‘masturbation sends you blind’ thing?

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Hmm. Maybe it’s only people with vile gastro-intestinal conditions like mine that are warned against the dangers of the sea lice that commonly riddle salmon. People with strong, healthy constitutions like yours should be fine. O’course, you’ve still got vile things such as lung flukes, herring worms, cod worms, and trout nematodes to worry about as you guzzle that raw meat with a stick.

  105. Swineshead Says:

    Rare steak can’t be helping your child-gut. You should steer clear of man’s food.

    If only I lived in manchester there’d be no vile sushi to tempt me, according to that liar, Dave.

    (Trout Nematodes actually sound quite cute, going by name alone).

  106. dave Says:

    Don’t be a stirrer, you shandy drinking rat.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Rare steak is perfectly fine, as it ‘appens. We have some of the highest veterinary safety standards in the world (see: Bernard Matthews bird flu containment), and anthing that does get through the testing is cooked out in the kitchen. That’s why we’re not all keeling over dead every five minutes. Raw sea food, on the other hand, contains all manner of bacterial infestations and parasites – which is why most societies advise cooking it first. It’s got nothing to do with avoiding ‘man’s food’ (which is steak, by the way), it’s to do with avoiding ingesting a bacterial toxic soup of filth just so I can look all sophisticated. Carry on eating worms, lice, and nematodes with a stick, caveman, I’ll stick to good, honest and, above all, SAFE steak eaten with a knife and fork.

  108. Swineshead Says:

    I’d rather sup sweet shandy than be a souse like you Dave. When I was a drunk like you I could at least handle my booze.

  109. dave Says:

    I don’t drink.

  110. Swineshead Says:

    I take your point on raw fish, Napoleon though I doubt it’s as toxic as you make out (food standards might’ve had a word if it were).

    As for chopsticks – they do the job admirably. Are you making the bigoted point that they’re somehow unnecessary?

  111. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – aren’t you ‘I’m the other Dave’?

    If not, apologies for giving you so much shit.

    If you are, LIAR.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Bigoted? How so?

  113. Swineshead Says:

    You said that eating food with sticks is what cavemen do. Up there.

    Amnesia in one so young….

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but how’s that bigoted?

  115. dave Says:

    I haven’t had a drop in 2 weeks due to the fact I have the belly of a walrus.

    And I don’t deserve you shit, Swineshead. It’s giving me anxiety.

  116. dave Says:

    He probablt ‘Google researched’ a Spike Milligan sketch…

  117. Swineshead Says:

    The people of Japan, Vietnam, China, Malaysia etc… eat like apemen, according to you. I find that fairly bigoted, personally.

  118. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – good for you, sir. You’ll find you shrink faster than you expected.

  119. george Says:

    I’ve heard Napoloen’s been hanging round with that John Lydon again, backstage at some gig in Barcelona or something.

  120. piqued Says:

    That Euan is fucking shit on Today, he’s managed to turn it from Panorama to GMTV

    I love sushi btw, just had some for my lunch as it goes, the M&S stuff isn’t too bad

  121. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I watched ‘Step Up To The Plate’ earlier. That’s DEFINITELY worth a review on ‘ere.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Of course! The brainwashed liberal goes galloping off to the accusatory fortress of racism and bigotry when the going gets rough! How very predictable!

    No, Swineshead, I’m not bigoted towards our friends in South East Asia. I am allowed, however, to be critical, or disapproving, or downright rude, or what-have-you of any fucker’s habits, country or culture I don’t like if I want to – as they are towards me. I admire the Japanese for many many things. Their contribution to electronics has enhanced mankind immesurably, and I thank them for it. I enjoy their food (well … not all of it), their lunatic television programmes, their marvellous horror films, their cars, their people etc, etc, etc. However, I don’t think we’re so far down the road towards fascism that I can’t say I find eating food with sticks ridiculous regardless of the practice’s country of origin. I

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Dunno why there was an extra ‘I’ on the end there. Egotism, perhaps?

  124. piqued Says:

    It actually makes more sense eating with one hand rather than two…

    One can masturbate or punch the wife whilst one eats, it’s very simple if you ask me.

  125. Swineshead Says:

    Egotism without a doubt, NC.

    Your lengthy response rather suggests you never learned how to use chopsticks.
    Can you ride a bike? If not, do you hate the people of Amsterdam?

    Just learn it, they’re actually rather nifty you cack-handed moron.

  126. Swineshead Says:

    It is, isn’t it Piqued?
    Easy peasy.

  127. piqued Says:

    … I used the chopsticks provided when I had lunch, in the course my meal I blacked a chaps eye and spunked all over my wasabi

  128. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Well you can’t really cut with chopsticks, so they’re effectively the more dextrous and versatile equivalent of a fork, an equal monomanual implement. now if only we could learn to be amazing with chopsticks with the left hand. Or make fancy left-hand-knives.

  129. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    or if they attached a blade to the bottom of one of the chopsticks, they’d be unstoppable. UNSTOPPABLE!

  130. Swineshead Says:

    Might work, JQW, but I reckon NCs the sort of bloke who blends his food so he doesn’t have to bother chewing. I can picture him slurping up steak while screaming about how swallowing’s too complicated.

  131. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    At the same time? He’d spatter creamy steak purée all over his shack.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not surprising you fall back on easy insults about my intelligence when you’ve not got a decent reply. First up I’m a bigot, then I’m stupid. Have you perhaps thought the reason I don’t eat my dinner with a stick is because I find the practice rather primitive? In the same way I don’t eat my food with one half and wipe my arse with the bare palm of the other? How that translates as hatred is anyone’s guess. I can’t stand the way the British go abroad, get wasted and punch Greek waiters – does that mean I hate the British because I refuse to join in?

    You’re mistaking disapproval of what another culture does with hatred of that nation or the people of that nation. And you’re doing it selectively. I assume you find the Korean practice of boiling cats alive for human consumption distasteful? If so, doesn’t that, by your twisted logic, make you hate Korean people? Fucking ridiculous.

  133. dave Says:

    What’s wrong with using hands? Hands are an evolutionary marvel and so it would seem logical to use them.

  134. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yeah, works if you’ve cooked the food. Would you fully trust the chef in a greasy spoon not to have licked his fingers, rubbed them along the floor and then dipped his dirty digits in your crusty scramble?

  135. piqued Says:

    ‘I don’t eat my food with one half and wipe my arse with the bare palm of the other’

    Ooh get Mr my-shit-don’t-stink

    Come on mate, everyone does that, Jesus…

  136. george Says:

    Boiled cat sounds lush.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve said a few times now that I find calling people who ‘eat with sticks’ ‘apemen’ bigoted.

    That’s what I find bigoted.

    Not your being baffled by people eating with chopsticks, rather your choice to refer to those who do it as a matter of course ‘apemen’ and ‘cavemen’ when they’re clearly as developed as anyone else.

    I get similarly bemused when people refer to black people as monkeys because of how their hair grows naturally.

    It’s not difficult. But clearly it’s political correctness gone mad. Have me certified if that’s the case.

  138. piqued Says:

    ‘I get similarly bemused when people refer to black people as monkeys because of how their hair grows naturally’.

    Genuinely don’t get this

  139. Napoleon Says:

    It’s what’s in ’em that’s at stake here, Dave. In the one corner we have a knife and fork – a finely honed set of instruments our culture has been eating its food with for centuries, and perfectly adaptable for skewering lumps of raw fish with – and in the other, two sticks. Old fuddy-duddy I may be, but in this instance my preference for eating my dinner with implements that are further up the evolutionary scale than a couple of sticks makes me Mr. Futuristic in this particular argument.

  140. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s to do with hair? is that a joke?

  141. Swineshead Says:

    From personal experience, a racial tirade based around appearance in which a black gentleman was referred to as a monkey for having an afro.

  142. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Do monkeys have afros? I thought it was just a bad reference to the idea that black people came from jungles and that monkeys were a bit like primitive humans in appearance.
    Bit weird, your explanation. But then I might be wrong.

  143. Mikey Says:

    What about spoons?

  144. Mikey Says:

    If you have hot n sour soup or wan ton soup , you get a spoon. Therefore our cultures have unified with this implement.

  145. Swineshead Says:

    ‘a bit like primitive humans in appearance’…
    …and what’s a primitive human, JQW?

    Anyway, the point is it’s a dumb thing to say, much like the chopstick / caveman thing. A witless assault with no grounding.

    Spoons – good point.

  146. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not calling the people who eat with ’em ‘apemen’, I’m calling you an apeman. And the practice is apeman-like in its primitiveness. Sorry if that offends, but there’s nothing factually incorrect about describing a way of eating your food that involves picking it up with a stick ‘caveman’ in nature. You assume I’m being bigoted because you don’t understand the nuances of the argument.

    In a similar vein – and the reason I say you’re picking and choosing – that ‘just as developed as anyone else’ cat-boiler in Pyong Yang is boiling those cats in a primitive (or apeman) fashion.

    Of course, your PC-flooded brain automatically looks for bigotry and racism in everything. It’s hard to get through that mire of brainwashing.

  147. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Sorry if that offends’

    It potentially could, so let’s call that an end.

    As Theo might say, I’m out.

  148. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    “…and what’s a primitive human, JQW?”

    An earlier step on the evolutionary trail i.e. a neanderthal or homo erectus. I’m not talking about people what’s around now.

  149. george Says:

    Is the whole PC thing a shtick, NP? I mean, you don’t actually swallow that arse, do you?

  150. Napoleon Says:

    It potentially could offend an idiot who hasn’t the capacity to separate the different strands of an argument, yes.

    Anyway, Dave’s the fucking racist here.

  151. Mikey Says:

    Piqued..we had Nick Robinson as a presenter this morning as well. I quite like him.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    “Is the whole PC thing a shtick, NP? I mean, you don’t actually swallow that arse, do you?”

    Which arse, George?

  153. george Says:

    A metaphorical arse. As in, do you think the whole concept of political correctness is a load of made up nonsense?

  154. Mikey Says:

    Look it’s quite simple. Raw food is quite good for you if it is not contaminated. Heating food is a good idea especially mass produced food of today. Chopsticks are OK and once mastered are very effective.
    (BTW distinct correlation of your class to where you hold your chopstick).
    Spoons are pretty useful too.

  155. dave Says:

    I use chopsticks, Perry. What have you contributed towards equality?

  156. Wenchy Says:

    Sometimes I wonder if you lot even like each other….

  157. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Stewed food is mostest good for you, breaks down complex proteins etc.

  158. Mikey Says:

    All cultures use bread in one way or other for hand held snacks. We all use plates and bowls.

  159. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I say ‘mostest good’, clearly a mix of all this stuff is best. LEAVE ME ALONE, YEAH?

  160. Swineshead Says:

    I never said you were racist – bigot perhaps, but infrequently and accidentally…. more culturally insenstive.

    Whereas Dave is an out and out rabid racist.

  161. Napoleon Says:

    George – Not all of it, no. I do think a sincere attempt to even up the odds for minorities has turned into a monstrous behemoth where everyone is scared to say anything about anything from religion to those bastard French in case it offends somebody.

    Dave – My contribution to equality? What’s that got to do with chopsticks?

  162. Napoleon Says:

    I forgot to add that Dave’s a racist. The fucking racist.

  163. Swineshead Says:

    That was a bit too intense for a Dragons’ Den article.

  164. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Have you seen ‘Step Up To The Plate’, SH?

  165. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve probably offended the French now.

  166. Swineshead Says:

    No idea what it is, JQW…?

  167. dave Says:

    I’m an ironic Alf Garnett figure, subversively tackling the issues that matter from the inside, where it counts.

    Chopsticks have everything to do with it. Says a lot about a man, that does, far beyond the fatuous use of a 70s slur that nobody got because I’m ahead of the game by several decades.

    Swineshead recognises it, I recognise it, even you recognise it.

  168. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Daytime cookery programme – team of amateur cooks bring in a menu, a team of celebrity chefs is pitted against them, both have a time limit in which to produce the dishes listed by the amateurs with ingredients provided, then their meals are placed on a lazy susan, turned round a few times so as to ‘confuse’ the judge. They wheel out Lloyd Grossman, he tastes each, says which wins that course, they reveal whose dish it was that won, and so on. Prize money increases by 1000 quid every round the amateurs lose (they always lose).
    Least competent host ever, named Anton, he’s like a stupid Rob Brydon, dresses like Alan Partridge and strolls around making a cock of himself while the teams cook. The live studio audience is clearly lead by someone with placards telling them to ‘ooh’ ‘hahah’ or ‘groooan’, which is why they show such a lack of interest and choral unison in their doing so.

  169. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  170. Mikey Says:

    Look..most normal people know that you either like somebody or not, regardless of race, creed, religion. There are many English people I think are real twats but that does not make all English people twats. Differentiation based on a generalisation is basically for stupid people, who have no understanding of anything.

  171. Swineshead Says:

    Christ. It sounds awful/essential.

    I’ll V+ the bastard.

  172. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I seriously thought that ‘Anton’ might be an alcoholic after the one showing I watched. He stumbles around making cringeworthy jokes. The chefs aren’t much better in that respect.

  173. Mikey Says:

    all these f***ing cookery programs. and now mixed in with celebrities. No wonder we did not qualify for Euro 2008. W***ers!

  174. dave Says:

    Mikey – Did you just generalise stupid people whilst saying all stupid people generalise people? Why hasn’t the fabric of space imploded?

  175. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – I saw that guy who speaks like a 1940s spiv on BBC Breakfast talking about this show. He’s a dancer or something. Sounds like one of the characters Paul Whitehouse used to do.

    Dave – I didn’t get any of that. It was shrouded in a miasma of racism I couldn’t penetrate. Something about Arabs, was it? You should be a-fucking-shamed of yourself.

  176. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  177. Swineshead Says:

    Seriously Dave – ease up on the racism.

  178. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Watch the first two minutes and tell me he doesn’t sound like he’s had a few stiff whiskeys before the show.

  179. dave Says:

    NC – You see, I don’t mind being accused of being a violently hateful thing, just as long as it makes me chortle. Your comment made me chortle.

    Still, I’m reading ‘The Book of 5 Ring’s tonight. That proves you wrong.

  180. Napoleon Says:

    He has got the oddest voice. It’s something you’d expect to hear on a 1930s public information film about the East End’s preparations for their defence against looming aerial bombardment. Nobody survived the war with that voice – nobody but this man’s mum and dad.

    And will you leave it, Dave! Christ! We’ll be closed down at this rate.

  181. dave Says:

    I have the Lenny Henry Show and Chef on VHS. Now leave it.

  182. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I like how he repeats everything on the menu after the amateurs have clearly announced it within 10 feet of the chef. It’s dead real stuff.

    It is the sort of voice you expect to hear coming out Vivian Stanshall on one of his later, drunken, awful monologue recordings. Plus he does look like a stupid Rob Brydon. Almost exactly.

  183. Napoleon Says:

    He shows up on Channel 5 ‘The Wright Stuff’ for a week here and there. He’s usually accompanied by Anne Diamond, and I like to imagine him taking care of Anne’s business-end as Matthew Wright puts her pie ‘ole to the sword. Then, just as this Anton fella’s about to spill his beans up Anne’s stomach-stapled fart chute, he whips it out and


  184. Swineshead Says:

    Blast, I was just about to spuff my beans.

  185. george Says:

    *hovers mid wank*

  186. Mikey Says:


  187. dave Says:

    Janet and Sophie having LESBIAN intecourse, mother and daughter. Imagine that.

  188. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    I don’t like Theo.

    There is something really creepy about him.


  189. Napoleon Says:

    Typical of Dave to pick two WHITE women to fantasise over, eh? Personally, I get my jollies thinking of This Week’s Diane Abbot buttering up humourless former MP Oona King’s buttocks in a big bath of butter.

    I bet your house is covered in Nazi flags, Dave.

  190. dave Says:

    That’s incorrect. I find Josie Derby quite an alluring prospect, and Trisha.

    You’ll have to try harder than that to pin me on this race issue. Far harder.

  191. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with you on Josie D’Arby.

    Not literally, you’d put me off.

  192. Swineshead Says:

    Is it just me or is it impossible to watch This Week without thinking of Portillo and Abbott going full pelt in a bedroom fandango?

    They’re practically fondling each other throughout transmission.

  193. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently D’Arby is stepping out with Viggo Mortenson. She ought to be careful. He’s got a history of violence that one.

    I think you can probably see what it is that I did do there.

  194. dave Says:


  195. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He’d love to bury his wrinkles in her chocolatey folds.

  196. Swineshead Says:

    What’s unnecessary, Dave?

    And JQW – careful or I’ll have to amend my list.

  197. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I don’t think there’s anything racist in describing a skin colour as chocolatey. certainly nothing as racist as Dave.

  198. dave Says:

    Go watch the California Raisins, Wagonwheel. That kind of accepted racism sits well with the likes of you.

    And, Swineshead, the thought of you and I double-teaming a respectedex- Channel 5 debate show presenter whikst wearing nothing but our socks is unnecessary.

  199. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Nothing but our socks’… so you at least considered it and embellished it with a little detail.


  200. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    And a racist.

  201. dave Says:

    A pervist. But I have never contrived or promoted such conversation, others have. I feed acorns to squirrels and play medieval stringed instruments in trees.

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Like that big chicken in Robin Hood? Is that chickenist?

  203. dave Says:

    Foghorn Leghorn is definitely a racial stereotype.

  204. Napoleon Says:

    There he goes, wading through a quagmire of his own bigotry …

    Anyway, it wasn’t Foghorn Leghorn in Robin Hood. Trust you to turn it round to racist chickens, I say, trust your to turn it round to racist chickens, boy.

  205. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    If I were a folk singer and chicken I would be furious.

  206. dave Says:

    I never suggested Foghorn was in Robin Hood. Talking about Disney films, isn’t Song of the South brill! I have it on Disney DVD.

  207. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Do you have the original version or the later one where they cleaned it up? I’ve got a copy of the original on dvd lying around somewhere, just because I helped a relative get hold of it for a documentary project and she graciously sent me an extra copy (she had to order 5 to ship them)

  208. Chalky Says:

    I’m not a man and I am definitely NOT the Chalky you seem to NOT have had the pleasure in meeting at your school!

  209. Swineshead Says:

    Soz, Chalky.

  210. Micky B Says:

    Arr tis a sad day when a chap from Asda gets laughed off the stage by arrogant so called dragons. I liked the idea and hope he sticks with it cos you know what… i think, on account that hes obv a regular guy (when he said he didn’t like maths) he would be inspirational to a generation so go get em asda guy! rarrr your a tigre!

  211. Micky B Says:

    THats the guy with the non slip travel cushion from the early dragons den episode this year, just incase there was a different asda guy (if ur him respopnd to this and we’ll join forces against the dragons lolz)

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