The Dark Knight


Very mild spoilers

Let’s dispense with the plot first, shall we?

Billionaire in Kevlar body armour fights maniac with excellent make-up skills in Chicago, mainly at night. Meanwhile, a half-dead looking policeman with a moustache pretends to be completely dead to aid in the capture of aforementioned maniac and a chiselled Fifties film star has half his face burned off, then blames the wrong people for his disfigurement and the death of his cow-faced girlfriend. Maniac kills lots of people, man with half a face kills on the whims of a coin toss, billionaire fights them both and wins, then inexplicably shoulders the blame for the disfigured man’s crimes. The end.

Right, now that’s over and done with, a word of warning.

What The Dark Knight posters and trailers fail to mention is that Eric Roberts is in this movie. That’s right – Eric fucking Roberts. For anyone unfamiliar with the career of Eric Roberts (brother of Julia, and proof that lightning doesn’t strike twice), he’s a fourth – no, fifth – rate action ‘star’ who’s carved a career in woeful kung-fu and mercenary movies that go straight to DVD. Eric Roberts is the Happy Shopper Tom Berenger – cursed to play the villain in a string of films with titles such as Death Force Zero and The Eliminatrix III when the real Tom Berenger is unavailable. Think Chuck Norris without the personality. A poor man’s Ernie Hudson. In short, he’s shit.

Now, until I stumped up £13.50 for two tickets to The Dark Knight, I had never paid more than £2.50 to watch Eric Roberts in anything. The last time I handed over real cash-money to watch Mr. Roberts fail to convince was an ill-advised Blockbuster rental of Best Of The Best II – an ass-kicking kung-fu collective movie starring Roberts, Phillip Rhee (the Black Belt Jones of the modern era) and the late, lamented Chris Penn.

It was shit, but then it was supposed to be shit … because it had Eric Roberts in it. I was happy to fork out £2.50 to watch the monumentally ugly and unconvincing Roberts shove his combat boots up the ass of his enemies because, well, it was only £2.50. But thanks to the producers of The Dark Knight, I now have to confess I’ve spent over a tenner on an Eric Roberts movie. This pisses me off.

OK, so I had to suffer the grotesque Mr. Roberts, but what about Mr. Bale? Did he cancel the toweringly shit performance of Roberts out? Did he make me forget that I’d spent money on an Eric Roberts movie? Well… no.

Annoying as playboy billionaire Bruce Wayne (mainly because he hands in the same performance he did for American Psycho – making you think Bruce is butchering prostitutes when he’s not out fighting loonies), he’s awful – truly fucking awful – as Batman. Cursed with a stupid costume that makes his head look like a pool ball with ears, Bale adds to the misery with a dreadful deep rasp of a voice that gets up your nose. Every time Batman speaks, a viewer who isn’t so enamoured of the character that he’ll forgive him anything sits bewildered as they’re faced with one of the stupidest voices ever to grace the screen. I spent the entire two and a half hour running time thinking, “What the fuck is wrong with Batman’s voice?” I don’t think this is what the director wanted me to think.

Gary Oldman looks like he’s got cancer. Aaron Eckhart gives an Aaron Eckhart performance (the same one he gave for Thank You For Smoking, but with half his face missing). Maggie Gyllanhall is wasted, then blown up. That’s all I can think to say about that trio.

So we’ll move on to The Dark Knight’s money shot: Heath Ledger as The Joker. Anyone who wasn’t wetting their trousers at the prospect of a Joker for the 21st Century could have guessed what performance they’d get from Ledger in this role, and they would have guessed correctly. Shoulder hunched up, daft walk, tongue whipping out every ten minutes (because tongue work’s an essential part of any mentally ill person’s madness arsenal, as are trousers that never reach the shoes), wild, darting eyes, occasional high-pitched changes of vocal intonation, etc. Those boxes checked, Ledger plays The Joker in just the same way any actor of any merit would play The Joker. The performance is phoned in – Actor’s Guide to Playing the Insane 101. Stacey’s mum with stupid hair and idiot make-up.

The press has made a lot of this, his final completed performance – yet I would argue it’s nothing special. We can laud praises on the actor all we want, but this is not De Niro in Godfather II. This is an as-you’d-expect performance of a silly character in a silly comic book movie. Nothing more, nothing less. He’s good, but he’s not that good. And – going against the grain here – he’s nowhere near as good as Nicholson, in my opinion. Nicholson at least made the character fun.

Did I say ‘fun’? Well if you’re looking for that, I’d hang on for next month’s Tropic Thunder (which at least promises fun from the trailer). The Dark Knight is anything but fun. It’s ridiculously long for a comic book movie, takes itself so seriously it’s insulting and has a plot that plods along at a snail’s pace.

It’s wordy, morbid and borderline stupid in too many places. Off the top of my head, these are just a few things that pissed me off about The Dark Knight’s plot:

  • Why does a moral crusader agree to illegally extract a wanted criminal from China and bring him back to the United States? Doesn’t that make him the same as the criminals he’s taken it upon himself to fight?
  • The Joker must spend hours getting his make-up to look like that – strange for a man we’re constantly reminded doesn’t give a fuck about anything (with the notable exception of male grooming … weird male grooming, but male grooming nonetheless).
  • Alright, Two Face’s missus is blown up by The Joker, but why does this tip him over the edge and make him an ally of The Joker? His subsequent crusade to get justice for his dead partner (that leaves out kicking The Joker’s ass) makes no sense at all.
  • Is it just me, or was there an actual point to Gary Oldman faking his own death?
  • Who the fuck agrees to work for The Joker? People with a death wish? Suicides who haven’t got round to it yet? He kills everyone who works for him … surely word would have got around about this?
  • A knife slash to the side of your mouth doesn’t kill you.

There were plenty of other things that mystified me about this awful film, but I’ve had enough of thinking about them. If you want to waste your money on an up-its-own arse, overlong action movie that contains hardly any action but does contain Eric Roberts, then by all means waste it on The Dark Knight. If, however, you want to spend your moollah on a comic book movie that won’t bore you, insult you, and annoy you, I’d recommend you wait for Iron Man to come out on DVD. At least that film was stupid but fun. The Dark Knight is just stupid.

And it’s got Eric Roberts in it.

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164 Responses to “The Dark Knight”

  1. Jamie Says:


  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It was good.

  3. Jamie Says:

    That is all.

    You must’ve been in a different cinema to me, because my theatre found a lot of (warranted) humour in the movie.

    Definitely not over serious. The Joker walking away from the hospital in the nurses outfit was quality.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    That all you’ve got to say, you dregs? Good, my arse. It was a long-winded, overblown fart of a film. A hyped-up piece of shit that seemed to go on even longer than Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. And at least that shower of shit had swordfights and a bit with a dog.

  5. Jamie Says:

    It was admittedly long. And Bale’s silly Batman voice did disappoint.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Humour? Where was that hiding? Behind the paper-thin ‘THIS IS A SERIOUS MOVIE’ gravitas? Nestled round the ankles of the sledgehammer 9/11 metaphors or the cod Bin Laden references? Bullshit! I watched Meet Dave the other day – possibly the worst film ever made – and that had more humour than this miserable pile of shit.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Bale’s voice was monstrous. It jarred every time he spoke – jarred more, I’d say, than the unwelcome screen presence of Eric Roberts. That doesn’t help when you’re supposed to be taking this character seriously (which is hard enough when you’re faced with a guy dressed like a Universal Soldier in a stupid hat fighting an idiot in make-up).

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Universal Soldier! Now there’s a film.

  9. Jamie Says:

    There were plenty of laughs in my cinema. Yes laughing WITH the film.

    Plus the point about the morality of Batman holds no water as if you’d paid attention to the ideas behind this film you’d know it’s one that is all about questioning whether he forsakes certain morals and becomes the hero Gotham NEEDS rather than DESERVES. The Dark Knight, if you will.

    Admittedly I wanted Bale to cough halfway through a la Simon Pegg in Spaced attempting a hardman voice.

    I think you’re a bit Eric Roberts heavy in your review. He’s a minor character.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Universal Soldier is better than The Dark Knight. Actually, Universal Soldier II is better than The Dark Knight.

    Jamie – Thanks for the lesson in wafer-thin comic book morality there. Oh, diod I say ‘comic book’? Yes, yes I did. Throwaway rubbish read by kids. Somehow, the director and his screenwriting brother confused a children’s magazine with Citzen Kane. Where was the fucking fun? It’s a comic book – why does a comic book need to be two and a half hours long, and contain bullshit themes and underlying crap that get in the way of a bloke in a suit with his underpants on the outside fighting a monster? What the hell is this, Shakespeare?

    And I’d argue that not informing your audience that Eric Roberts is in your movie is a disgrace. I don’t shell out money to watch Eric Roberts, regardless of how small his part is.

  11. Wenchy Says:

    I always find it genuinely interesting how films seem capable of dividing people. It always makes a for a good debate!

    Have to agree on the Eric Roberts point, made by Jamie – he’s a fairly minor character, replacing Tom Wilkinson’s uber gangsta, nothing more. His presence really isn’t that critical – not to my mind, anyway.

    I do think the “Batman” voice is a bit overdone. Interestingly, in Batman Begins, it never bothered me. For some reason, in this one, it seemed just a little bit too much. A shame, because I much prefer this serious version of Batman to Burton’s cartoon character malarkey. In reference to Nicholson being better as the Joker – I don’t think you can compare them, really. Yes, Ledger is playing the same character, but this is a complete reinvention of Batman, and wipes the floor with Burton’s efforts. Nicholson made a “funny” Joker, but this is supposed to be a unhinged, twisted, mentalist – not a slightly eccentric Uncle. I didn’t like Ledger’s performance because it was his posthumous one, but because it what the Joker should be; scary. He’s unsettling. You believe he is capable of terrible things – and isn’t that the point?

    Gary Oldman pretending to be dead – to protect his family and present a facade of Gotham crumbling around them, I think. I might be wrong – I had to share the cinema with some chatty dickheads who did rather ruin my cinematic experience.

  12. Wenchy Says:

    “Oh, diod I say ‘comic book’? Yes, yes I did. Throwaway rubbish read by kids.”

    Have you seen any Kevin Smith films?!

  13. Dave Says:

    Why don’t you write for Empire, you bloody bastard? Everything you said (discounting the Roberts bith which baffled me) was spot on. Jack Nicholson over some dead cowboy any a day.

  14. badgermadge Says:

    Bale/Bale’s voice and the length of the film aside I chuffing loved it and you is WRONG Napoleon, damn it! Wrong.

    Eric Roberts is in it for, what? Five minutes??? Chill the feckout, y’all.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Having seen only Batman Begins, Burton definitely did a better job.

    Yes, modern graphic novels may well be dark – but they’re still housed inside comics – no matter how hard they try to escape it, the very frame they’re sitting in is camp.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Wenchy – I’ve seen some Kevin Smith films, and immediately forgotten them. Plus, as this is a comic book (y’know, for kids?), I think Burton’s two Batman films are spot-on. Kids must be bewildered that Sony are marketing an ocean of toys at them, yet they’re not allowed to see the film because Nolan has decided to make a cartoon character film that’s as violent and sour-faced as a 12 certificate will allow. At least Dr. Who and Star Wars wear their ‘for kids’ badges with pride. This takes a silly concept and tries, in the most waffly way possible, to make it as serious as Apopcolypse Now. For my money, I don’t want a preachy two and a half hour lesson in mental illness and terrorism on a summer’s Saturday afternoon. Especially when, just after something serious has happened, a man in a daft costume shows up and flies through the air. The two mix about as well as shit and cheese.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    All Kevin Smith films, bar Clerks (and, at a stretch, Mallrats) are rubbish.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Roberts is in it for a bit more than that. Anyway, one minute of Roberts is too much Roberts when you’ve paid money.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Can we all agree that Schumacher was worse than either Nolan or Burton?

  20. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll agree to that.

  21. Dave Says:

    Poison Ivy.

  22. piqued Says:

    Clerks 2 isn’t too bad…

  23. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I smell reactionary, Napoleon. And it doesn’t smell good.

  24. Wenchy Says:

    Chasing Amy is pretty bloody good.

  25. piqued Says:

    It’s not Wenchy, it’s dreadful

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Is that the one with a chap fucking a horse? I’d take watching someone fucking a horse over The Dark Knight any day. I’m sure whoever was fucking the horse wouldn’t charge me £13.50 for two tickets to watch him fucking the horse, wouldn’t add on £6.50 for snacks ‘n’ drinks, and would have the decency to warn me if Eric Roberts was going to make an appearence fucking the horse at some stage.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – Reactionary? No, I’d spell pissed off that I wasted my money on a complete shower of shit that went on for too long.

  28. Wenchy Says:

    Fair enough. I like it though.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not seen Chasing Amy. Is Eric Roberts in it?

  30. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I imagine that for £6.50 of real pounds, Eric Roberts would fuck a horse right there in your living room, saving you the expense of travelling to a cinema. He’d not even take a couple of quid for petrol.

    It was an entertaining film though, you’re just a grumpy arse.

  31. piqued Says:

    NC, yes, a man fucking a horse, a human being fucking one of gods animals.

    Peter Andre and Jordan

  32. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – I wouldn’t pay £6.50 to watch Eric Roberts fucking a horse. My limit, until I was swindled by the makers of The Dark Knight, was £2.50 on Eric Roberts-based entertainment, fucking a horse or not fucking a horse.

    And that film wasn’t entertaining, it was boring. You may have gathered this from my review.

  33. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It surprised me that you didn’t take much of a shot at the meandering plot. That was the only real pitfall, the odd thread that was left loose and stuck out a bit.
    Then again, what with Eric Roberts being in it, I imagine you were too distracted to even consider that.

  34. Good Dog Says:

    Admit it, you really wanted to see Mamma Mia!

    Tropic Thunder? With that annoying lump of talent-free flab called Jack Black in it. AND sweat bucket Steve Coogan.

    It would be more entertaining to have someone shit in your mouth and sew it shut.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Last time I checked, Steve Coogan was approaching genius…

  36. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    When did you last check, 5 years ago?

  37. piqued Says:

    ‘It would be more entertaining to have someone shit in your mouth and sew it shut’

    Aaah, you’ve been to the Torture Garden too

  38. Swineshead Says:

    His turn in Curb Your Enthusiasm was pretty good.

    Anyway, once you’ve achieved genius (or damn near to it) it doesn’t wane. You will always be a genius. Are you a bit slow, JQW?

  39. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – I mentioned the plot and its rubbishness, read again. One of many pitfalls in a pitfall-filled movie.

    Good Dog – No, I didn’t really want to watch Mamma Mia. I wanted to watch a bit of summer fluff. Instead I got force-fed waffle and A level philosophy. And I’ll wager Tropic Thunder is more fun than this miserable pile of shit. I’ve not seen such a po-faced summer blockbuster since that po-faced Revenge of the Sith shit farted its way onto screens a few years back.

  40. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Risky classing someone as a genius. Certainly they can always be respected for having produced a work of genius, but everyone wanes a bit eventually. The branding sits somewhere between the person and the work.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Fair point… it’s usually the work that attains the title. And his performance as Alan Partridge and early Paul Calf is pretty much faultless.

    Alright, I’ll agree his star is on the wane as he sells himself short in Hollywood.

    I’m off to get a steak and cheese sandwich, you bastards.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I’d probably pay £5 to watch Coogan fucking a horse.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    I’d pay £5 for that so long as he was shouting DAN! DAN! DAN! as he did it.

  44. piqued Says:

    …only if he gave it a reacharoo

  45. Jamie Says:

    I want De Niro to still be a genius but is he, in Analyse This/That/The Other and Meet the Fockers?

  46. Richard Says:

    You were not alone in being mystified by speccy cancer guy faking his own death. But then, I didn’t get why it was all his fault Mrs Two Face got killed either. That was probably because I went to a late showing and zoned out a little. Maybe it was Bat(e)man’s sonorous voice that made me so sleepy.

    Bale and Batemen are so interchangeable in my mind that I’m starting to
    wonder if the former doesn’t have a collection of tiny shoes in his real-life attic.

    Also, what was the deal with the quick cuts? There was one scene early on that ends with a winning smile from Caine, but it cuts before his eyes get a chance to twinkle endearingly. What gives?

    I’m not sure Ledger could have done a better job though, I did make noises like a seal at feeding time at several points and it just about made it a worthwhile experience.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    He’d need monkey arms to cop a feel of horse cock, wouldn’t he? Best leave him to deal with the horse’s particulars, and let Fat Bob do the honours on its throbbing horse-member.

  48. piqued Says:

    The word ‘genius’ gets thrown about a lot these days

    Hawkins is one, can’t think of many more

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Richard – I really did have it in my head that Bruce had a fridgeful of heads. That bit where he turns up at the party with two women on his arms, I was thinking, ‘Woah, watch out girls, this man’ll nailgun your tits to the carpet if you’re not careful.’

  50. Jamie Says:

    Partridge is not funny for his catchphrases. That was one of the main reasons I preferred series 1 over 2 of I’m.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Justin Hawkins? I’ll admit The Darkness’s first album had a couple of whistleable tunes, but genius? The man’s got a tattoo of his own name on his arm.

  52. Dave Says:

    Piqued – if you think Hawkins is genius could that be extended to Hitchens too?

  53. Jamie Says:

    Why do you know about Justin Hawkins tattoos?

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Which one? The furious fat one, or the boggly-eyed furious thin one?

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Jamie – The man tends to perform in spandex vest/leggings arrangements. I’m also Britain’s foremost authority on rock star tattoos.

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Agree with you on Partridge, Jamie.

  57. Dave Says:

    NC- That one. That exact one. The Alcoholic, boggly eyed, furious bugger!

  58. Napoleon Says:

    The second series of Partridge was great. I’ve never got the scorn poured on it.

  59. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It was good, but the first was better.

    Hitchens is a good talker, not really comparable with the mind on Hawkins though.

    Justin Hawkins.

  60. Jamie Says:

    It’s not the series itself I guess. I get annoyed with tits shouting DAN in EVERY public place or just generally

    In off the red
    Jackaknackanory (ok that one is alright)

    I wouldn’t go so far as scorn. It’s still brilliant.

    However at Latitude I DID enjoy hearing someone miles away shouting BONO……………BONO

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Well if Justin Hawkins is a genius, then I suppose the boggly-eyed thin Hitchens brother is one too. Are you saying the other one – the fat furious one who hates George Galloway – isn’t a genius? Surely he’s in the same category as established geniuseseses like Hawkins, Coogan and the boggly-eyed furious thin Hitchens?

  62. Dave Says:

    Sausage and beans in a mug changed my life.

  63. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The fat furious one is just another Galloway himself – both great speakers, both mainly dicks.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never eaten sausages and beans out of a mug.

  65. Clarry Says:

    Well, I saw it on Saturday night. It cost me £15.80 (!) for two tickets and another £9.85 (!!) for two cokes and a bag of popcorn. However, I was prepared to part with the money as i’d read a few good reviews and IMDb reckoned it had knocked the Godfather and Shawshank off the top spot – so I had fairly good expectations.

    The film was way too long and they could have easily cut out about an hours worth without losing any content. In fact the film was so long that when the film stopped abruptly after about an hour and three quarters, we all got up for the toilet presuming that this was an scheduled loo break or an opportunity to stretch our legs. Sadly, it was more likely that the reel man had fallen asleep (i’m sure they don’t do it that way any more though, do they?) as the film re-started the minute I stepped outside so I missed a bit (nice one Odeon).

    Batman’s voice was ridiculous in this film and it was irritating in Batman Begins. However, I think this film was a definite improvement on BB. I think that TDK was humorous in parts, so at the very least Batman’s shit one liners matched the film a bit better. On the whole Bale was rubbish, and I could not stop looking at his weird head shape and wondering how come his eyes and mouth were so far apart.

    Also how come Katey Holmes wasn’t in it this time – they obviously wanted her as they picked a girl who looked almost exactly like her, but a weird-looking, slightly uglier version. I bet psycho Tom wouldn’t let her be in it as she’d be more famous than him.

    I quite enjoyed Heath’s performance and it was certainly the highlight of the film for me. I definitely don’t think he should get a posthumous oscar though.

    On the whole I enjoyed the first half of the film better than the second half, which just got more and more ridiculous. The whole Two-face story just felt a bit half baked and tacked onto the end last minute. It just didn’t work. By the end it was so far fetched (that whole computery bit with the sonar and phones and Batman’s glowing eyes) I started to get bored and fidgety and couldn’t help noticing how annoying the hairs were on the back of the neck of the man in front of me……

  66. Dave Says:

    Dunno. Just watched his debates on YouTube, sir and queried a question to Piqued, nobody else, regarding the matter. He writes fro Vanity Fair so perhaps within that fact lies the answer.

  67. Jamie Says:

    You never had beans in a cup like?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’d forgotten about that sonar phone nonsense. What the fuck was that all about? A ridiculous plot device that seemed to be there purely to disguise the fact the writer couldn’t work out how Batman finds The Joker. It also made Batman look a bit Soviet, I thought.

    Jamie – I don’t like beans, so no. I like sausages, though I can’t see any point in trying to eat them out of a mug.

  69. Jamie Says:

    I’m glad I turn my brains off before I watch a film. I feel sorry for you lot.

  70. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I imagine that with an arse like yours, Napoleon, beans would be tantamount to swallowing dynamite and lit matches.

  71. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Speaking of such things, can we have more disgusting bean/nigella/easyjet/racist celebrity filth?

  72. piqued Says:

    Dave what prompted you to ask if Hitchens was a genius in relation to Hawkins?

    Was it a hangover?

  73. piqued Says:

    Jamie, you should watch some more intelligent films…

  74. Swineshead Says:

    – Katie Holmes opted out (probably because there wasn’t enough scientology in it).
    – Maggie is more attractive than Holmes.
    – I used to play football with Justin Hawkins (a fact I regularly bore acquaintances to tears with when repeating it)
    – Justin’s a nice bloke.
    – Jamie – they aren’t catchphrases as he only said them once

  75. Clarry Says:

    NC – Yes totally stupid and pointless wasn’t it. Morgan freeman should be ashamed of himself.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    A new How The Good Look Naked is coming up today, JQW.

  77. Dave Says:

    What are you insinuating?

    I asked because there’s a definite respect and regard between the two of them and they share fairly similar views. That’s why I asked.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Are we talking about Justin Hawkins here?

  79. Clarry Says:

    – Katie Holmes opted out (probably because there wasn’t enough scientology in it). HMMMM, I BET TOM FORGED HER SIGNATURE ON HER ‘I’M OPTING OUT LETTER’….
    – Maggie is more attractive than Holmes. WRONG! HER FACE LOOKS LIKE IT’S MELTING

  80. Swineshead Says:

    Holmes looks like an eight year old, Clarry. A sulking eight year old. It simply doesn’t pump my nads, ok?

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Jamie – I wanted to turn my brain off. Sadly, The Dark Knight kept hammering its crappy philosphies and preachy anti-terrorism messages down my throat. And then cutting to a man in a silly suit riding the world’s stupidest-looking motorbike around.

    Swineshead – Hawkins is a genius, according to Piqued. Was he any good at footy?

  82. Clarry Says:

    Personally I wouldn’t do either of them…

  83. piqued Says:

    A new How the Good Look Naked SH? is that the rude one?

  84. Jamie Says:

    They’ve become catchphrases due to idiots shouting them all the time. Not Coogan’s fault.

    I happen to watch a lot of ‘intelligent’ (read: foreign) cinema, but for some blockbusters I can happily turn my brain off and enjoy them for what they are, silly and full of plot holes, inaccuracies etc.

    Can’t stand Pirates of the Caribbean though.

  85. Clarry Says:

    NC – I forgot about that. His bike sounded like it was going a million miles an hour, yet it looked like I could overtake him on a pushbike… V poor!

  86. Napoleon Says:

    I’d do ’em round the back, away from mirrors. For my money, the most ‘do-able’ star on the circuit today is Kathy Staff – Last of the Summer Wine’s Nora Batty. Christ, I wouldn’t mind bending her over to take a punt at her unmentionables. Alright, the inevitable prolapse would be a bit of a bugger, but love conquers all …

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, it’s the rude one Piqued. Your article.

    Napoleon – I’d stop short at ‘half-decent rocker unfairly derided’, that’s where I’d stop with hawkins. Nice bloke – a pretty nifty striker but when you consider he and his bandmates were playing me and my brother with some puny mates, all hungover and they kept losing, you have to say they were a bit shit at footballs.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    Oooh, Kathy Staff. If only someone would crudely photoshop her head onto the body of a porn star and upload it somewhere, I’d be a happy man, I tell ye.

  89. piqued Says:

    ‘I happen to watch a lot of ‘intelligent’ (read: foreign) cinema, but for some blockbusters I can happily turn my brain off and enjoy them for what they are, silly and full of plot holes, inaccuracies etc.’

    You didn’t say that originally, you just said ‘films’

    *stares intently*

  90. piqued Says:

    ‘My article’ SH?

    I really don’t know what you’re talking about

  91. Napoleon Says:

    The thing with your Nora Batty is she’d make you a lovely cup of tea and offer you a nice bit of ginger cake after you’d put her to the sword. And then attack you with a broom, obviously.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – sorry I thought you were someone else.

    NC – she only attacks those who stubbornly refuse to remove tea-cosies from their heads.

  93. piqued Says:

    That stuff if even a bit too hardcore for my pallet to be honest

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Then that would be me. You couldn’t really spend one night of ecstasy with Nora in anything other than wellies, gtrousers held up with string, a jumper full of all holes, and a tea cosy hat.

  95. Dave Says:

    Banana Man’s screaming for a moody rebrand, Batfink and Mighty Mouse too. Why stop at the daft childish antics of a one Batman and the Scaredy Walter figure that’s Spiderman? Superted, Danger Mouse, Quail Man – where are these brave heroes. Nowhere to be seen, that’s where. And it’s a crying shame.

  96. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    ‘gtrousers’ – is that a cross between a g-string and a pair of trousers? A sort of ankle-length crotch thread?

  97. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like to see Touché Turtle played by Matthew McHey-nonny-nonny-hey.

  98. Dave Says:

    JQW – Some Fubu garment, I have no doubt.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    You could be onto something there, Dave. The screaming inner-conflict that rages in the heart of Bananaman would sit comfortably in this brave new world of misery-guts comic book films. I can almost hear the swell of the bombastic soundtrack now, as troubled child Eric Wimp swallows a banana and broods off as his alter-ego to face the shadowy-lit forces of evil.

  100. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – It’s a typuing ewrror.

  101. Dave Says:

    Sorry for the string of comments but thank you for reminding me of touche tourtle, if it is indeed that little critter with a feathered hat and sword. Good times.

  102. Good Dog Says:

    Coogan is approaching genius in the way that a bakewell tart tossed in the air is approaching the bleeding sun!

    The one episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm that was total shit was the one Coogan sweated shit all over.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just remembered that in Burton’s original 1989 Batman, Harvey Dent was played by Billy Dee Williams – a black man. Nolan’s casting of a Nazi-lookin’, Aryan pretty-boy sort of makes The Dark Knight racist. Anyone who disagrees with me about this is a racist as well, I’ve decided.

  104. Jamie Says:

    Waits for Dave’s racist bile to begin a-spewin’…

  105. Napoleon Says:

    See? That’s silenced the fans. The racist fans of this racist film. Yes?

  106. Swineshead Says:

    Oh God – you’ve put fuel to Dave’s flame with that one, NC.
    Good Dog – stop being silly. You’re just jealous that YOU never got to dildo Courtney Love’s plop-slot. You filthy shit.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’d care to go dildoing Courtney Love – not even for £13.50 and the promise of post-match counselling. Can’t I plunder Kate Beckinsale’s fun tunnel instead? I’d rip the flesh off my own mother’s back with a big hook for a night or two in her company, oh yes (when she was in ‘er twenties, if that can be arranged).

  108. george Says:

    Napoleon, sir, thank you for saving me the best part of ten pound. I can name at least six super hero movies I’ve actually watched, three of them were old superman style things at Christmas and don’t count, and three come from the modern revival of way too serious comic book films. I watched Spiderman, because of all the hype, and ended up bored. Same goes for x men. And finally batman Begins. All three, I was promised were going to be like a cross between the Godfather and the second coming, but all three, unless you’re a comic book geek, were way too serious and, well, stupid.

    So this Friday, having read all the hype around the film, I was thinking of going to see this one, with some friends who are saying it’s brilliant. And you walk in, like the ghost of future boredom, and show me there’s no point. Cheers for saving my Friday night and my money. Brilliant film my ass, I’m just going to be sat there for three hours wondering why some rich guy thinks dressing as a bat is better then wire taps, surveillance, good cop/bad cop interviews and the other cornerstones of law enforcement.

  109. Swineshead Says:

    So, NC, to fulfill your wildest dreams you’d need your mother, a fish hook, a time machine and a dummies guide to stalking…?

  110. Swineshead Says:

    better then wire taps, surveillance, good cop/bad cop interviews and the other cornerstones of law enforcement.

    You’re talking my language there, George.
    On Series 2 ep. 4 now.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    George – That’s about the long and the short of it. I’d wait for it to come out on DVD. That way you can fast forward all the talky crap and get to the three or four shitty action scenes that aren’t actually worth watching. That way you’ve only lost a couple of quid, and not the vast fortune I wasted on this drivel. At that sort of price, even Eric Roberts becomes watchable. No he doesn’t.

    Swineshead – Yep. I would need some sort of cast-iron guarantee that Kate’s going to put up with me slobbering all over her before I start skinning my own mother, mind.

  112. george Says:

    SH: I’ve got to the end of season 2 (won’t ruin anything, but episode 10 is a blinder), have no internet to download season 3, and no stores in Northampton stock season 3. I feel like a crack addict who’s just found out his dealers gone to prison.

  113. Dave Says:

    Daredevil was a refreshingly non-racialist film, on account of it having the crybaby from The Green Mile as Kingpin. A marvel (mind the pun) of equality. I reckon that in Spiderman 4, however, they’ll cast ab Aryan Nazi to appease the likes of….you know your names…not me…

  114. Napoleon Says:

    If they do, they’re as racist as The Dark Knight creators, Dave. If Billy Dee Williams (the Harrods Carl Weathers) was good enough for Burton, then he should have been bloody-well good enough for this Nolan chap, the racist. I wonder what other roles racist comic book filmakers have denied ethnic minorities? I don’t read comics, so don’t know how many of the heroes aren’t white. Dave’ll know, as he’s an expert on racism and geeky shit you’re meant to grow out of when you hit puberty.

  115. Dave Says:

    You made one vast assumption on that tailing insult, Perry.

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Shit. I’ve got Season 3 right here, Stu. Order it from Amazon.

  117. Dave Says:

    Why not cast Jack as The Joker again, or is that ageism’s sinister face rearing itself in this modern climate? For that matter, why not cast Cesar Romero, or is he dead? Even if he is, that doesn’t put off these sick necrophiles at WB anymore, does it? Flogging a dead Australian chap who’d previous starred in teen flicks and some gay cowboy thingy, a man, let’s have it said, that wasn’t even man enough to stomach a prescribed dosage of sleeping tablets! There’s more than just one ism in this word, my people, and I certainly wouldn’t like to think I should label anyone here an ismist. Islamist, maybe, because I ACCEPT and LOVE them but ismists, pfft – what a disease!

  118. george Says:

    SH: my debit card has been cancelled due to some bank cock up. I’m going to ask if they can order in a copy in Virgin tonight. And if not, I’m going to Omar Little a few shops until I find it.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I think you’ve made yourself look worse than ever with that last comment. Mr. Ledger’s untimely death was a tragedy, and flippant remarks about how he met his end insult not only his grieving family, but his millions of fans as well. I for one would like to distance myself from your awful comments, you fat, stunted, ghost-faced, specky four-eyed racist geek. Oh, and you’re a suicidalist now, you understand?


  120. Swineshead Says:


    I’d love to go about Omar Littling places. Apart from the gay aspect, obviously. Not that I’ve anything against… etc…

  121. Dave Says:

    Fuck off.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – You nearly danced on Dave’s lonely side of the dance floor there.

    Dave – The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Dave? You should be ashamed of yourself.

  123. paul Says:

    Harvey Dent? What is it with americans and baddie names.

    Dont they know to consult us? When I hear the name ‘harvey Dent’ I just picture Arthur Dent’s younger dimmer toff brother, probably fatter and wearing a dressing gown and carrying a pot of earl grey tea.

    Not very menacing. unless youre allergic to caffeine. Or course natural fibres.

    Crap baddie names almost ruined my first viewing of my favourite film of all time, Blade Runner.

    Naming the coolest android ever, Roy Batty, meant that for the first 30 minutes of the film whenever I saw him I just pictured him as Nora Batty’s slightly backward son, 19, wearing grey school shorts and shit-thick-bottle glasses ( Blue Remembered Hills style) and being chased down the cobbles by his mum with a broom.

    I doubt such a scene ever appeared in any of Philip K Dick’s work. Well, certainly not the early stuff.

    And Christian bale has previous on the gruff silly voice front, if anyone ever saw him doing his Mark Fowler/Nick Cotton cockney baddie turn in that shite movie about dragons a few years back.

    He’s not quite the brooding day-lewis he obviously aspires to be, but he’s good in some other movies. Not a leading man though, a character actor.

    Like everyone else, even though it looks shite, im an idiot so I’ll go and see it anyway. Nice review Napleon.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    I saw him in something where he was dead thin. Can’t for the life of me remember what it was about, as I was hammered when I watched it. He was really really thin.

    The dragons film had a bald Matthew Maconnnaao-o-hey-hey-hey in it, if memory serves. Not enough dragon action, far too much vegetable protection.

  125. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It doesn’t look shite, though, and it’s not. It’s a hell of a lot better than the rest of the last few years’ shower of blockbusters. It’s just not the masterpiece the advertisers would have you believe.

  126. Swineshead Says:

    Bale’s done some great stuff… but maybe he’s closer to the anti-heroes in The Machinist and American Psycho in personality, making his performances better. Maybe he’s just not a leading man / hero.

  127. Swineshead Says:

    I’m prepared to believe that, JQW. A DVD purchase, I feel, rather than an esssential cinema outing.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – I think we’ve established that The Dark Knight is shite, and if you like it you’re a racist like wot Dave is. I have no hesitation in recommending to Swineshead he bump you up his list.

  129. Dave Says:

    RIGHT, NC, you imperialist sod of soap. What would hurt the grieving parents of Ledger more – me saying he died following a subscribed dosage, as part of a tragic accident or you thinking he topped himself as if he wasn’t a brilliant, shining young star that’ll nodoubt win a posthumous oscar for his genius portrayal as The Joker – a role that makes Marlon Brando’s Crow look like Ed the Horse. Hmm? Think a little…

    Also, was it me that said his tongue work was poor, or you? We both know the answer. You fat yerself, chain-smoking, crayoning witicism of a hollow shell of impotent disgust.

  130. Jamie Says:

    Whatever you think of The Dark Knight, it craps on Wanted from a ridiculously long height.

  131. Swineshead Says:

    Also, was it me that said his tongue work was poor, or you?

    *horrific images stain brain*

  132. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon someone taking the piss out of the way he died would upset his parents more than someone saying he was good, but predictable in his role as The Joker, Dave. I’d say his parents could handle my criticism in a way they wouldn’t like to hear your idea that he wasn’t man enough to take a hit from a bottle of sleeping pills. Yeah, I reckon that’s about right.

    You malformed troll.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Jamie – But does it? As bad as Wanted sounds, it does have the decency not to trouble an audience for two and a half fucking hours. AND Eric Roberts isn’t in it, which is another mark in its favour, you racist.

  134. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – why do you keep doing this?
    Watching someone bang their head against a wall isn’t very entertaining.

  135. Dave Says:

    You miss the point, you comb-overed, cupboard-dwelling goose-hopper. I said you suggestion he KILLED HIMSELF as in TOOK HIS OWN LIFE would distress them more than my half-baked death gag.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    *farts in triumph*

  137. paul Says:

    i know im coming to this debate very late, but I couldnt help noticing someone not revering the great mr steve coogan.

    hes up there with monkeys for me. untouchable. hes not versatile and certainly not hollywood material. but when he does his thing, partridge and even saxondakle which I really liked, you can watch him do the same scenes over and over again, waiting for your favoutrite bit. thats the real test.

  138. Swineshead Says:

    He suggested something that’s already been suggested before – you made a joke about the situation.
    Mockery is harder to take than second-hand speculation, I’d say.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    A half-baked death gag that centred around his inability to take a bottle of sleeping pills on the chin? That’s not as bad as my criticism of his not-as-genius-as-you’d-like-to-pretend-it-is performance? Right you are.

    Are you mentally ill, Dave?

  140. paul Says:

    I agree on eric roberts also. my childhood was severely marred by all those shite videos he was in. he must have owned blockbuster at one point, because back between 85-93 his films were all you could get in the fucking place. no wonder julias such a fuck up. the shame. I was in a film with her once. very small and petite not big and titty as youd expect.

  141. Dave Says:

    SH, I think the haunting idea that their son was so unhappy he wanted to take his life is a little more serious than a guy called Dave saying he wasn’t man enough to take his pills. I could say John Wayne wasn’t man enough to take an atomic bomb if I want as well. That’s all I’m saying.

  142. Swineshead Says:

    Oh look – there’s Dave at the brick wall again!


  143. paul Says:

    dave is very tenacious isnt he? is he always like that. Is he cockney. I hear the cockneys are like that.

  144. Napoleon Says:

    Paul – My most horrific Eric Roberts experience was some swordfighting film I can’t even remember the name of now. He was rubbish, the film was rubbish, the swordfights were rubbish, wtached it anyway. At least the Best of the Best series has people to distract you from Eric Roberts and his shitty attempts at Kung-Fu; this swordfighting thing only had someone along the lines of a bargain bin Chris O’Donnell (fuck knows who it actually was) to play with. As a consequence, for one and a half hours I had to focus solely on Roberts. No wonder I’m an alcoholic.

  145. Swineshead Says:

    I think Dave is cockney, yes.

  146. Napoleon Says:

    Paul – Dave’s from Manchester. He spends his days hiding from the multi-cultural society outside his door – locked away in a bedroom full of used tissues, dirty underpants and Babylon 5 videos, learning how to make nail bombs on the internet. We’ll all know him for what he is when his face is splashed across the news after the 2009 Manchester bombings.

  147. paul Says:

    Indeed Mr Napoleon sir. I also agree that mugging tick s and overacting tend to get rewarded. I thought it was spot on when kate winslet did that great cameo in extras and her character talked about doing mental acting or auschwitz acting to get an oscar.

    it reveals the guilt-complex at play in hollywod where they all feel so guilty about being loaded, these sort of performances always tug the ol heart strings

  148. Dave Says:

    Something like that…I’m just a lonely, pathetic man more than anything…

    I bought that Charlie Brooker book for £3 in HMV this weekend. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t rubbish. His additional notes, the saving grace considering all the content’s on the Guardian website, were minimal and only served to debunk most of his original observations. Hmm.

  149. paul Says:

    the highly succesful contemporary british screen actor trying to reinvent himself in hollywood. is there an article idea in that for the site? Simon pegg, ricky gervais, steve coogan , probably quite afew others with varying degrees of success. I suppose brice willis proves you can move from one style in tv to a very different one in films, but its rare

  150. Napoleon Says:

    The best one of those is Sean Penn’s toweringly important portrayal of a mentally spazzed-up man-child in ‘I Am Sam’. I haven’t seen a performance of such worthiness since Day Lewis put his foot in it in the monumentally significant ‘My Left Foot’.

    That wasn’t disabalist, by the way. Unlike Dave, I believe that children are the future. ALL children – not Dave’s vision, which is blonde-haired white children wearing Nazi arm-bands and flying swastika flags trampling on the faces of black children as Africa burns to the ground. He’s a fucking disgrace is that boy.

  151. Dave Says:

    Marlon Brando didn’t play The Crow btw…I fear it may have been Brandon Lee I was after…

  152. paul Says:

    Ricky gervais seems to know his limits – for the moment certainly.

    I read on his blog that he says, ‘im a certain kind of character actor, just paying version sof myself. but if I ever start to play the loner cop who drinks and is having problems with his wife, kil me’

    or something like that. we’ll see if that promise lasts.

    if not, dave, you can kill him. I hear youve got all the weapons plus the ipcres file style mind-training from the eric roberts movies

  153. paul Says:

    marlon brando in the crow. I think that would be worth seeing. still possible considering it was all CGI anyway

  154. Dave Says:

    I’m more one of them cowardly killers. I’d dangle a string over him while he slept, slipping a droplet of poison into his mouth. You know, like that racist Sean Connery when he made himself up like a Chinaman. A product of NC’s generation I believe.

  155. paul Says:

    Im sure that would work. Personally id be tempted to wake him up first and make him do that monkey dance, then shoot him in the head. make a fortune on youtube that would. yes, I forgot the sean connollee chinaman.

    fu manchu meets love thy neighbour

    I guess everyones off for their tea now …

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Funny how you remember all the racist things, Dave. Looking on your Aryan film database site – – I see the film you’re on about there is ‘You Only Live Twice’. As that film came out in the 60s, I think you’ll find it’s Piqued’s era, not mine. He’s about eighty or something, if memory serves.

  157. Dave Says:

    Race is a pigment of your imagination, Perry. I certainly wouldn’t subscribe to anything hateful and that’s the real truth I think we’ve learnt from today.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Keep telling yourself that, Dave. We all read your ‘wogs’ coment and came to a different conclusion.

    Right, I’m off out. Any comments that appear overnight in support of this disgraceful film are racist.

  159. paul Says:

    I assume you guys like each other really and the taunts are just affectionate?

    like pulling girls pigtails in maths class.

    Having said that, they always got to retort by stabbing us in the head with a compass. so wheres the justice in that. bastards, they all deserve to die. wheres my fucking sutcliffe hammer. Coming dave?

  160. TheDemiurge Says:

    “The Dark Knight” is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Why did one third of the movie resemble a bad James Bond? Bale was closer to Pierce Brosnan than Batman. I actually thought Eric Roberts gave one of the better performances – at least his tongue was firmly in cheek. Caine and Freeman just kept their heads down hoping not to be noticed. Why did both Bale and Ledger have to speak in such stupid idiotic voices? What complete and utter rubbish.

  161. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Half of us have never met, those that have are mainly bastards. Or grumpy anyway. From what I can tell.


    I’m all alone.

  162. mostlylouche Says:

    Ah, but did you fancy the joker when he was dressed as a lady and in a wig? I did.

  163. Joanne Says:

    HA! I was just about to post that I really fancied him in the nurses uniform.

    I don’t know if you were joking but I’m REALLY not. Is that weird?

  164. Joey Says:

    Nicholson played Nicholson in makeup(same voice, same everything). Ledger completely transformed himself into the character by drastically changing his voice and laugh and mannerisms. Phoned in ? Ledger locked himself in a hotel room for 6 weeks working on his voice change and laugh… not exactly what I’d call phoned in.

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