Garnier / Topps Tiles


For the last few years the bastards at Garnier have been hissing ‘Take Care’ at me. Anyone else find this particular version worrying?

I used to be lithe and slim, I’d never smoked a cigarette in my life and only had a glass of wine at Christmas with the family. On the basis that I refuse to be told what to do by anyone, especially a faceless corporate suit, I’m now so fat I can’t see my own feet (or penis). On most days I’m pissed before 10am and have recently taken up the crack in order to sate my desire to smoke and take class A’s in one convenient package.

I’ll not have the bastards tell me what to do.

So imagine my surprise when, following a night of unprotected sex with a visibly ill 50-year-old European prostitute, another organisation – via the now-pawned TV – hissed ‘take care’ at me.

I thought I must be dreaming (or still whacked, I’d had two and half bottles of cheap Port the night before and had polished off three grammes of really bad speed as Dominika lowered herself for the umpteenth time on my weeping member…) when I turned my swollen head and fleetingingly saw a logo for Topps Tiles fade into the ether.

Of course I was still whacked (or dreaming, not that I have dreams anymore, I hate myself, I’ve nothing to give save sewage) but why the fuck would a company selling tiles want me to ‘take care’?

Take care of what? The tiles? Why the fucking Christ would anyone want to take fucking care of Tiles?

I mean, don’t get me wrong here, I’m not a monster – I’m happy to wipe away the accidental shard of diorrhea or splash of coagulated blood when little accidents occur on what’s left of the tiles in the room with a broken sink and chod bin – but ‘take care’ like that Garnier bird does with her skin? Fuck that.

I can see why someone would want to take care of their hair, or skin, or whatever (penis?). I used to be like that until I waged my one man campaign to prove that I could stick it back to the man as much as his sticks it to me.

But tiles? I don’t understand. Tiles are inanimate. They don’t care, or feel. They’re like my sister since I kidnapped her husband and held him up for ransom for an eighth of skunk and a drink – just a fucking eighth… And a drink.

Tiles don’t give a shit, okay? They don’t fucking care. No one does.

No one


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91 Responses to “Garnier / Topps Tiles”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Fashu Sandha – if I were a single man I’d ‘take care’ of her, right lads?….whoa?

    A return to form I felt, Piquedy boy.

  2. paul Says:

    I dont really get the Topps tiles reference.

    But then I’m from Scotland and, as you probably know, we still have outside lavatories up here and usually just shit into old newspapers and tin buckets. Stuff your poncy southern sopistication, say I.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t seen the ad but apparently it signs off by saying ‘Take Care’ just like Garnier.

  4. piqued Says:

    It does just that SH, it beggars belief…

    The reason I can’t find a sample on youtube is probably because there could be some litigation over the use of ‘take care’

    In fact, I should imagine the Garnier mafia are dangling the Top Tiles chairman over a bridge by his ball as we speak

  5. Quincy Phd Says:

    That advert embedded at the top is fucking horrific, encouraging women make their skin whiter – for fucks sake. It’s just that mouldy old duffel bag Zeta Jones and her campaign to turn the women of India whiter, and therefore better…

  6. Quincy Phd Says:

    Search for the advert here:
    It might crop up.

  7. paul Says:

    I try and avoid adverts by speeding past them these days, having once long ago and far away been a copywriter. But, for reviewing purposes I shall once again saddle this onerous burden.

    speaking of which, are cadburys still showing that twister ad that looks like a hard core porn money shot?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Am I the only person who manages to blanks the ads?
    Could be because I work in the belly of the beast.

  9. paul Says:

    I wrote a henry root/robin cooper style email of complaint about that one.

    I put at the bottom that a hard copy had been sent to the CEO which guaranteed they got back to me within a matter of hours.

    Despite the email using graphic pornographic language to describe the ad, they thanked me for my concern but said they couldnt see the problem.

    obviously no one who has ever watched porn could make that and not see the problem. So I can only guess that it was made, like many things in the media, by wholesome and thoroughly dull upper middle class young women. like that one on DD a few nights ago.

    I bet jonesy had the cadburys ad in his mind when she walked into the room

  10. paul Says:

    TWISTED ad, that should be. for a choco bar

  11. badgermadge Says:

    How can the words “Take Care” be subject to litigation? That’s like with Paris Hilton *hick thew* (that was me spitting) sued her mate because she used her catchphrase “That’s hot.”

    F-ing ridiculous if you ask me. Which you didn’t. Well… I suppose the fact you have a link so people can put comments up suggests you don’t *mind* people adding their tuppny worth, but I wasn’t actually invited.


    Sorry. I’ve gone all manic this week. It’s because my gran died (not a joke) and I’ve not quite come to terms with it. Still, it’s rather fun being a bit crazy. I can just witter on and on saying whatever the feck comes into my head and no one minds because, you know, it’s all part of the grieving process and all that.

    Hmmm. Sorry.

    *tip toes out*

  12. paul Says:

    Madge – I think Paris Hilton is also sueing a lot of other women who have stolen her enterprising aproach of offering really boring blow jobs to rich dull playboys in expensive hotel rooms.

    sorry to hear about your gran though. xxx

  13. badgermadge Says:

    LOL can a blow job be boring though? Gawd… I kinda thought even just having one was a big deal for you men folk. You know, because it doesn’t happen that much. If you’re in a relationship anyway…

    Thanks for the sorry, P.

  14. piqued Says:

    BM, my sincere sympathies.

    Now purge your grief by venting spleen here, it’s what she would’ve wanted…

  15. badgermadge Says:

    It so is. You’re so right…

  16. badgermadge Says:

    Now can someone answer the question? I’m kinda getting paranoid now… Although I’m sure mine are exquisite… *worries*

  17. badgermadge Says:

    I know what you’re doing…

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Of course a blow job can be boring… it can also be a potential blood-letting session in the wrong hands.

  19. Who Says:

    Sorry about your Gran, BM. It seems somehow wrong to follow that sentence with one about blow jobs, but I think the promise of one is more alluring than the actual receiving of. No doubt these ‘ere menfolk will be happy to clarify.

    Apropos of nothing, I am trying to remember the last time I had a Turkish Delight (the solid bubble bath covered in choc bar). Can you still even buy them?

  20. piqued Says:

    You can Who, had one last week actually

    It tasted like fucking shite

  21. badgermadge Says:

    Yes you can, Who! I’ve seen them. It *was* in one of those really old crappy newsagents though. But yes, they do exist.

    Yeah I know about teeth and that but that’s more painful than boring. Boring???? How can head be boring?! Have y’all be going to dirty prozzies again?

  22. paul Says:

    No. Many blow jobs are crap. once yu get over the actual novelty

  23. Who Says:

    Did he mean teeth or sharp nails? Or p’raps both?

  24. paul Says:

    having watched porn and seen how the professionals do it, I think may women could do with a few lessons.

    my own oral sex technicque, on the other had, is flawless.

    I liked the great willie donaldsons descripton of paris hilton. he said she liked like a whippet dipped in bleach

  25. paul Says:

    I feel Mr SH may be startinh a new list soon and we’ll all be on it

  26. piqued Says:

    SH has a point BM, I nearly lost my spizz-strap once through over zealous gob purchase

    But you also have a point, it can be the best thing in the world, in addition to having your creme-tanks drained without having to so much as lift a finger, you end up with a bobble clean enough for NASA

  27. paul Says:

    Piqued. Is it true that you also write tender romantic fiction? that was lovely

  28. paul Says:

    Its like youre channeling barbra cartland

  29. piqued Says:

    I do, I write for Mills and Poontang

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Someone who’s a bit like Piqued writes VERY erotic fan fiction over here. And it WILL be updated, today, my contacts tell me.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    This is all a bit coarse for a Wednesday afternoon. I’d join in except I don’t have a winky.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – ‘Turkish Delight’, is that racist?

    *fumbles with list*

  33. piqued Says:

    That website is disgusting SH, disgusting

  34. paul Says:

    SH, I await your piece on Debs for that site any time soon

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t write for it – it’s by strangers.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Where’s Napoleon eh?

  37. paul Says:

    ‘ … Deborah stood powerfully over me, her handsome jowels glistening wet like a best of breed crufts winner in the boxer category.

    ‘is it in?’ she gasped, fiscally.

    ‘No, I’m out!’ I punned.

    c. SH, 2008

  38. Who Says:

    If you think it might be racist, that means it probably is. I will take my punishment like a man. But if I am to go on the list, I want a lower placing than Dave and Jade Goody.

  39. Clarry Says:

    “having watched porn and seen how the professionals do it, I think may women could do with a few lessons.

    my own oral sex technicque, on the other had, is flawless.”

    I think that the porn industry only serves to give men unrealistically high expectations of a bj. I don’t care what people say, but only seasoned pros have done so much head-giving that they have managed to dull their gag reflex thus enabling the deep throat scenario. To be honest would any chap actually want his lady friend to be able to do that, or take 4 men simultaneously? I don’t think so….

  40. Clarry Says:

    P.S My deepest sympathies BM

  41. piqued Says:

    I must be honest if I ever got a blowie off a porn star in the manner they’ve adopted of late, I’d beat her about the head with mug of hot tea until she stopped and said sorry.

    All that deep throat choking dribble no-har, I mean it’s just not on is it.

    For a start they sound like they’re losing 10 pints of Newcastle brown and a kebeb, not to mention the fucking mess it’d make on the floor of my shed.

    A penis should be caressed, licked and daintily placed in the mouth, not rammed into the gullet amidst a plethora of burping and phlegm.

  42. paul Says:

    I agree. no one could enjoy one of those deepy throaty things.

    the noises alone would be enough to make we wilt.

  43. paul Says:

    and I doubt id make it that far back into anyones eosphogus ( correct medical spelling) without an extension

  44. piqued Says:

    Bless you Paul.

  45. Clarry Says:

    I definitely agree with whoever wrote up there that the promise of one works wonders so long as you have the skills to back it up. Guarunteed cups of tea… washing up done to MY standard….

  46. Swineshead Says:

    not to mention the fucking mess it’d make on the floor of my shed.

    Had me laughing like a hyena.

  47. Clarry Says:

    I notice you’ve changed your style of quoting SH. I like your work.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    It’s all about the html, Clarry

  49. indy Says:

    having watched this commercial i find myself with an urge to take a piss on a lemon (see 0:10), and then let it drip (see 0:11) into a jar of cream (see 0:13).

  50. Swineshead Says:

    i find myself with an urge to take a piss on a lemon


  51. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Still no HTGLN update…

  52. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s alright, there’s plenty of DISGUSTING FILTH available in my lastest post over at Of Some Description

    No wanking, now.

  53. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    that should be ‘latest’, not ‘lastest’. I plan on doing more, unfortunately.

  54. Dave Says:

    I think the Fraggles would enjoy the Garnier, while the Diggers would enjoy the tiles. Easy.

  55. indy Says:

    “i find myself with an urge to take a piss on a lemon


    just look at the ad from 0:10 to 0:14. no sound. just look. tell me what you see. citrus alert!

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Dave’s comment has lost me.

  57. Dave Says:

    Sorry, SH. I was alluding towards the 80s Jim Henson show Fraggle Rock. The Fraggles had notably crazy hair that’d benefit from one of Garnier’s fine conditioners (a coconut based one, methinks) and the Diggers, those critters in Fraggle Rock that build bridges and girders, could enjoy the tiles. I just saw that as a beautiful way for Piqued to cope with his nightmarish experience. Easy.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Aaaah. Yes I got the Fraggles reference, but couldn’t see how it was relevant. I like Doozers.

    I just ate a Dime bar. Remember them? They’re revolting/delicious.

  59. badgermadge Says:

    I LOVE Dime bars! Not as good as Double Deckers though…

  60. george Says:

    somebody mentioned Turkish delight earlier, they’re the bees knees.

  61. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh, I see the lemon thing now.

  62. Dave Says:

    Whispa died on its arse again, I observe. Things get taken out of production for a reason.

  63. Dave Says:

    Oh, sweet Badger,
    With the surname Madge-r,
    I wouldn’t buy your Twix,
    Mars, Milkway, or Picnic. Ix.
    I, my fellow Dr Who fan,
    would never buy you marsipan,
    I’d buy you a Bounty, but only in Jan,
    on our honeymoon in a caravan,
    but it’s the Double Decker that the princess,
    of televisual comments prowess,
    requires from he admirer, to get into her dress.
    But, no, I wouldn’t buy you only the one,
    But not would I buy you twenty….one…
    I’d buy you a multi pack, I think they’re in five,
    or a funsize pack for when we went for a drive,
    we could keep them in the glove compartment,
    which would be great, unless it was hot,
    then they’d melt, which’d make them sag…
    I suppose we could buy a small coll bag…
    Badger Madge.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Btw – sorry for not noticing earlier about your loss… my sympathies.

    If anyone has a youtube account can they check out this video then lambast the stupid bitch that uploaded it for cruelty to her pets? Me and the missus watched this last night in horror. The bimbo filming it is a fucking arse, from putting an under-sized jumper on the pug to allowing the animals to mash each other up.


  65. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    They weren’t overly mashing each other up, but the jumper thing is sickening and it’s all a bit creepy and twee.

  66. indy Says:

    “…and you definitely shouldn’t call me a “dumb blonde.”
    can anyone please provide me with a synonyme for “blonde” please?

  67. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  68. Swineshead Says:

    JQW – are you telling me that if you owned those pets you wouldn’t pull them off each other if that happened rather than encouraging them?

    Stop being a fucking contrarian for once, it’s dull.

  69. paul Says:

    Just watched that youtube clip SH. I think youre being a tad harsh. The dumb creature doesnt know any better.

    The dog, on the other hand, poor little bastard.

    Have to say the pets looked quite happy though. And it cold be worse. She could be dressing her kids up like dogs.

    Kennels for babies anyone? Nothing surprise me anymore.

  70. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not being a contrarian, just saying it’s not THAT horrific. I did have the sound off when I watched it though. Was she being an arse?

  71. Swineshead Says:

    You’re all inhuman monsters. And that girl in the video is thick as pigshit. You’re only letting her get away with it because she’s a dolly-bird.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, JQW – she’s a turd. I’m going to have to leave now, to meditate on the evils humanity inflict upon our surroundings.

    *fetches hat*

  73. paul Says:

    I agree.

    Free the california two!

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    And I’ll away too.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    *looks around*

    Has JQW gone?

    Good. I’m back.

  76. Wenchy Says:

    Flaxen haired is always a good one.

  77. piqued Says:

    Watched that vid, you can hear the dumb cow breathing sinisterly as she spies on the vacuous cruel little world she’s created and controls…

    Still, I’d love her to go wee wee on my balls

  78. badgermadge Says:

    Dave! No one has *EVER* written me poetry before (well apart from my psycho ex but that doesn’t count.

    I’d marry you before January, except I hate Bountys…

    Thank you all for your sorries for my loss. Sorry to have mentioned it. It was only to explain my mania. Woof!

  79. Swineshead Says:


  80. piqued Says:

    I can feel the love in here today, I really can



    (anyone wanna help me with this woody)

  81. Dave Says:

    Well, Badge, if you don’t want the Bounty you certainly don’t have to have the Bounty, not even the red ones which have dark chocolate. I’d buy you them though – five – without a thought. ‘You’re worth it’.

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Christ Dave, nothing puts a girl off like the whiff of a desperate racist.

  83. Dave Says:

    There’s nothing desperate about my racism, SH. And I sense you’re cutting in on my turf, which isn’t what I’d expect from a decent chap like you.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    I’m a happily married man, Dave – just trying to give you a couple of life lessons.

  85. Dave Says:

    You’ve ruined me.

  86. badgermadge Says:

    Piqued I would but I’m worried you’ll be too critical of my technique. What if it’s “boring”?

    Dave, as I said before, for a big rock and a kitten, I’m yours…

    Have a great week folks. I’ll be more or less off the radar til Mon. Think of me at this horrid family do tomorrow. *shudder*

  87. Joanne Says:

    That video is fucked up. My dog would have mauled my face off for even approaching her with a tshirt.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    So Joanne’s on my side. Nice one.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Actually Indy, I see your point on the peeing on a lemon thing. And hello to our only Swedish reader, I hope things are going well for you in the Swedens.

  90. Joanne Says:

    Well, I may be a cat person and my dog may loathe my very guts but I can’t bear people dressing up animals, never mind making them fight bigger animals.

  91. Clarry Says:

    I like them both, but dogs are a bit stupid and eat their own vomit ‘n’ stuff.

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