Half Ton Dad

by

Some statistics to start. These ‘shock docs’ tend to start with a lot of statistics. I think it makes them feel like they’re some sort of educational programme rather than what they are – which is an electronic version of a Victorian freak show.

 So, the statistics:

  • Americans are so fat that they have now had to create a whole new category of fatness – Super Morbidly Obese.
    Which must make people merely categorised as ‘Morbidly Obese’ pretty chipper, and straighforward ‘fat bastards’ positively incandescent with wobbly joy.
  •  Kenneth Brumley Lives in Houston, Texas and weighs 73 stone. That’s around 1000 pounds. Or, more appropriately, 4000 quarter-pounders.
  • Kenneth’s food intake is around 30,000 calories a day. Which is about what a human consumes in two weeks.
  • Kenneth plans to shed a mere 50 stone and it took 7 burly firemen to remove him from his front room to the hospital.
    (Tree-dwelling cats and randy , female alcoholic divorcees across the greater Houston area were said to be furious with jealousy and immediately went on an eating spree).
  • If you want to picture Kenneth, he makes Mr Creosote look like Amy Winehouse in drag.
    That’s my own statistic, but I throw it in for the reader’s interest.

There are loads of stats like this peppered throughout the show but you get the idea: ‘Boy, will you look at this fat bastard. But kindly do so in a caring medical-type-of-way, if you please.’

The show also introduced us to 19-year-old Billy. And wheras Kenneth seemed like a well-balanced and likeable guy who had the support of his loving family around him, not so with Billy. His mother, no Posh Spice herself, was obviously what they call in the business, an ‘enabler’ (oh yes, I picked up a few tips from the show).

You really had to feel for this poor young guy though. At 19, he should have been out getting drunk and rejected by girls and developing a brooding unhealthy misogyny which would one day blossom into some sort of writing career – like the rest of us. Instead, he was stuck in a pre-fab, eating and shitting with the support of his mother.

Cut back to Kenneth, who is in hospital and in 40 days has lost 12 stones. Fair play to the guy. Only now can surgery safely be performed. And he has two enormous mounds of fat, each weighing around 12 stone, carved from between his thighs and hefted into medical waste bags. (These are then, I supect, rushed to the nearest fast food outlet and sold as ‘chicken’. But I can’t be absolutely sure on that one. They may have been sold as ‘recovered meat’ as I know the labelling guidelines on such things are quite strict nowadays).

 Anyway, you get the general idea. Both Billy and Kenneth go on a ‘Journey’ as they love to say on telly. Not an actual journey, of course. Do me a favour.

There were also, inevitably, moments of unintended humour in the voiceover, which wasn’t helped by it being performed by the excellent Alison Steadman. She has flawless comedy timing with every word she utters, whether she tries to or not. So when she delivered lines like, ‘Billy’s legs can still carry him. But rarely further than the bathroom’ and ‘ It’s now a month since Kenneth’s failed attempt to sit upright’ I have to admit I was on the floor.

I had very mixed feeling about going anywhere near this sort of show. I’ve always avoided these type of documentaries in the past for their obvious salaciousness. But as I watched and was swept along by the ‘journey’ I started to really quite like Kenneth. He seems like a decent man who, despite his appalling circumstances, appears still to have maintained his dignity.

And I liked Kenneth’s family. I started to really warm to these genuine, straightforward people. But then came the bombshell. Whilst her father was in hospital having bits the size of Arkansas removed from his body, Kenneth’s daughter was busy feeding her 9-month-old baby a hamburger.  At which point I dried my teary eyes, went online and ordered a pump-action shotgun and a flight to Texas. 

By the way, Kenneth eventually lost 35 stone by finally having a gastric band inserted. I believe a Gastric Band is something like an Indie band, but not nearly so unpleasant. Unfortunately, I’ve no idea what happened to Billy as my Windows Media Player stopped recording at that point, with probably two minutes to go. Luckily, I can update you on Friday when I fly over there and blow his mother’s evil fucking head off.

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133 Responses to “Half Ton Dad”

  1. Dave Says:

    Great review, and somewhat cheery despite the theme. Nice one, sir. That’s my Dave endorsement.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t read it yet. Can’t stop looking at the picture.

    *tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug-tug*

    Oh CHRIST! More filth!

    http://howthegoodlooknaked.wordpress.com/

  3. Clarry Says:

    The picture at the top makes me laugh…. As his face is thin, it looks like a normal man peeping over the top of a massive, blubbery spatchcock chicken.

    Although I understand that these people have an addiction and that they often have an ‘enabler’ to coerce them into an early grave, i’m afraid I don’t have much sympathy for these people, as their ‘appalling circumstances’ are completely self inflicted. There was another programme similar to this last year and the man they followed was rescued from his house and taken to hospital. He spent most of the programme crying saying how he was going to die if he didn’t start losing weight. Well, his chubby fingers kept hitting redial to order pizza to his hospital bed and, surprise surprise, he died.

    And this doesn’t only happen in America…. A year or so ago I came home from work to a great big hoo-ha happening at the top of my road – ambulances, police, builders, fire brigade etc etc. What on earth had happened, some kind of explosion? Well, little did I know but I had been living down the road from Britain’s fattest man (see link). He weighed 65 stone and had to be cut free from his ground floor flat and to add insult to injury the building started to collapse. Unfortunately, by the time he was removed he had died. The poor man had been imprisoned in his home for quite some time, so how exactly had he got his hands on the food that kept him so big? Surely, there should be some kind of murder investigation?

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article109428.ece

  4. indy Says:

    so. at what point does one find out that you’ve gone from a healthy, buddhisty moby to a scary buddha statue caricature-like moby dick? do you just wake up one morning and say “oops, i weigh a half ton” or do you realize that something bad is going to happen along the way, say at quarter of a ton?

    and is it just me who find it extremely provoking when some fat bastard is ordering super-size deals at your local mcdonalds? is an intervention ok? some kind of citizens arrest? asbo?

  5. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry, that’s a great story,, though quite sad. It sounds like a great opening to a novel, living next door to britains fattest man.

    My favourite fat bedbound man ( in C4’s up and coming top ten show) was Dale the Whale in the superb Monk, but I couldnt fit him in. If you’ll excuse the pun.

    Charlie ( the artist formerly know as Paul)

  6. Dave Says:

    I watched a documentary about ‘feeders’ years ago. Sick, masochistic sods that take these emotionally messed up buggers into their home and force feed them Bargain Buckets. Absolutely bizarre, is this world.

  7. charliemingles Says:

    I believe the band feeder get a lot of their traffic by mistake. dont think theyve fully capitalised on it yet. I still await their concept album: half ton sexy druid trapped in own cave.

  8. charliemingles Says:

    that richard attenborough piece is hideous. Jurassic Pork

  9. Quincy Phd Says:

    “is it just me who find it extremely provoking when some fat bastard is ordering super-size deals at your local mcdonalds? is an intervention ok? some kind of citizens arrest? asbo?”

    I used to serve gallon cups of Pepsi and extra large popcorn buckets to Sheffields fattest man (I assume he was, I haven’t seen any larger than him) when I worked in a local cinema. Each time he ordered, wheezing and sweating in between words, I felt like I was contributing to his slow and inevitable suicide…

    Then again, I was a fucking attendent in an arthouse picture show and it shouldn’t be my minimum wage job to keep him from heart failure before his 30th birthday. Sweating at the idea of sitting upright is Gods way of telling you to lose weight.

  10. Clarry Says:

    Yes it is sad, but somehow irritating, in the same way as a person who continues to smoke 40 a day whilst battling lung cancer.

    “and is it just me who find it extremely provoking when some fat bastard is ordering super-size deals at your local mcdonalds? is an intervention ok? some kind of citizens arrest? asbo?”

    I totally agree Indy and I think it’s even worse when they order a supersized Big Mac meal with a diet coke. Nothing like shutting the stable door once the horse has bolted, eh?

    You’d definitely think that Britain’s fattest man would have said to himself ‘maybe I should ease up on the chips’ upon discovering for the first time that he couldn’t fit through the door.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Fat Girls and their Feeders was horrific, whoever it was that mentioned it. One for the wank-tank, mind you.

    As for mocking chubby folk – come on, guys and gals! Hardly fair. We’ve all got our vices – just because yours isn’t stretching your stomach bag it doesn’t give you any right to blast these over-stretched flabbermuffins to make yourselves feel better.

  12. george Says:

    Good review, good too see both sides of the coin as well and not have you just look down on fatty or look down on the viewers.

    On an unrelated note, whoever (I think it was Dave) suggested the quaint medieval practice of renting things from Blockbuster in regards to the downloading them / buying them I’d like to say a big thank you, and possibly fellate you. I’ve run out of Wire episodes, no card (broken) to buy it with on the internet, no actual internet (not installed yet) to download it with, and no shop (crap town) to buy it from.

    I walked for about fifteen minutes, unsure if the card would even work, but it paid off. Thank you sir.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I walked for about fifteen minutes, unsure if the card would even work, but it paid off. Thank you sir.

    Walked for 15 minutes? Egads! You must have burnt off a bajillion calories doing that! No chance of Stu becoming the kind of fatty you lot so despise…

    I am becoming a troll on my own site, there should be a word for that.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Thank God he had that gastric band operation. Otherwise he’d have seen his life Slip Slidin’ Away. Thanks to that operation, Kenneth’s youthful enthusiasm for life is Coming Around Again. He can finally set off down his own River Of Dreams, steal someone’s missus, and say to the heartbroken boyfriend, ‘That doggone girl is mine now.’

    This story has raised me up – so much so that I’m now standing on a mountain. Electric fucking Boogaloo.

  15. Dave Says:

    SH is correct. Just because obese people have a more visual vice than others doesn’t mean we should feel free to tell them how to judge their lives. We should tax fast food like cigarettes – it would appease the healthy, fat and smokers alike, wouldn’t it?

  16. Joanne Says:

    I have literally no sympathy with those people. Not even the 19 year old with the ‘enabling’ mother. At 19, when your mother is leering towards you with a bucket of fried chicken, you’re perfectly capable of slapping the bucket out of her hand and saying “No more!!”

    As for feeding a nine month old a burger….don’t even get me started. I hope some sort of child services sees that show and intervenes.

  17. indy Says:

    and how come it is ok to try to force someone who is skinny (like me, see blog pic for reference, even though i’ve moved to a somewhat larger flat nowadays, not because i’ve outgrown the old place but because i earn fabulous amounts of money) to take an extra piece of the pie/cake/whatever is served, when it is considered incredibly rude to put your foot down when a “big-boned” person is trying to stuff his/her face?

    and airports! why don’t the weigh-in include both person and baggage? having moved back and forth from sweden to england three times the last decade i’ve always wondered why i should be forced to pay for a kilos overweight when the person in front of me (always in front!) does not have to pay a single penny more even though he/she is twice my size!

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I’m clearly on the other side of the fence on this once. I only feel sympathy for these folk (unless they’re waddling along the pavement really slowly and blocking my progress).

    As for Dave – I think his condemnation of the fat-haters is an attempt to whitewash over his bigoted past.

  19. george Says:

    I grew up in the country, SH, you have to walk for 35 minutes each way to the shop in the next village if you’re out of filters.

    To tell the truth, I’m just scared of the area I live in, been from the country and all. The worse we get out there is cow tipping. And duck worrying. So fifteen minutes walk round my new pad feels a little bit more like fifteen minutes straddling Satan’s lap.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    My favourite comments on this sort of thing come from ricky gervais.

    ‘Ive got a very slow metabolism’ no. youve got very fast chip-eating hands.

    as SH says, we all have addictions though. as Dr johnson said: He who makes a beast of himself, frees himself from the pain of being a man.

    Have to make all that education pay off somehow.

  21. Quincy Phd Says:

    “You’d definitely think that Britain’s fattest man would have said to himself ‘maybe I should ease up on the chips’ upon discovering for the first time that he couldn’t fit through the door.”

    Coming back from holiday recently I looked down at my gut and discovered that I’d added a little girth with my over consumptive behaviour. ‘Better knock the beers on the head for a while’ I thought, and then did, and the gut went down. I can’t ever imagine reaching a point where I can’t fit through the door and thinking ‘hmmm, best eat some more pies then.’

  22. george Says:

    I can get addicted to computer games, so I can’t really talk.

  23. Quincy Phd Says:

    George, what’s duck worrying?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    George – you grew up in the country, did you?
    Right, using technology, let’s see who lived in a more remote area…

    Here’s genuinely where I grew up:

    http://tinyurl.com/5abezw

    Your go – use tinyurl to shorten the google maps link, if you would.

    GAME ON

  25. charliemingles Says:

    on a more prosaic note. can anyone volunteer to help me make my name go all clever and blue and highlighty when someone clicks on it.

    I set up a wordpress account, but I’ve no idea how to link to it from my name here.

    Speak in english and monosyllables if you please, I’m Scottish.

  26. george Says:

    Quincy: it’s the process of, er, agitating ducks for no good reason. Not that, come to think of it, there is really a good reason for agitating a group of ducks.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Charlie – go into wordpress, go into your account or profile or whatever it is and then there should be an area where you can edit your picture and website address.
    I think.

  28. charliemingles Says:

    did the image of Buster Gonad flash into anyone elses head when they first saw that picture of kenneth above? just to reassure you, those arent his testicles.

  29. george Says:

    SH:

    http://tiny.cc/cLjF4

    We invented invest, don’t you know.

    At least, that’s what our sign says.

  30. Quincy Phd Says:

    George – ah, much like the inner city games of cat worrying and dog bothering. I understand…

    Charlie – go to wordpress.com and login, then come to the blog and you should be enabled to have a blue linky name. If you just comment here without signing in you’ll be given a random avatar.

  31. Dave Says:

    SH- Is redemption not a concept you welcome? What is man if he cannot change?

  32. charliemingles Says:

    I am signed in. the names in blue here at the bottom of the page, but not when I post the comment.

  33. Wenchy Says:

    “I’m clearly on the other side of the fence on this once. I only feel sympathy for these folk (unless they’re waddling along the pavement really slowly and blocking my progress).”

    I’m with you – I feel sorry for them. I don’t doubt they played their hand in getting to this point, but I don’t think people understand that someone vastly overweight isn’t just eating for the sake of it, there’s a lot more to it. How come everyone was overflowing with sympathy for George Best, or even fucking Winehouse? It’s no different – to them, food is a drug. They have no comprehension when it comes to Not Eating. I don’t think judging them for their choices is going to do any good. Just be glad it’s not you, really.

  34. charliemingles Says:

    testing 123..?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Charlie – Mikey had the same issue – ask him when he’s about maybe?

  36. charliemingles Says:

    will do guvnur. thanks.

    I have a feeling its supposed to happen automatically, which is why no one else knows how to do it. which makes me feel marginally less thick.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    George – I’m pretty sure you didn’t live in my house. You copied my url there.

  38. charliemingles Says:

    House? you were looky to ‘ave an ‘ouse.

  39. Mikey Says:

    hey dudes..

  40. extremelisteningmode Says:

    That’s heroically fat, really. It’s self-absue on a grand scale. It’s probably his glands and that.

  41. Mikey Says:

    Charlie login to your wordpress account as normal. Then merely just go to wwm 9from that window) and then scroll down to “leave a reply” and you should see you are logged in.

  42. charliemingles Says:

    Yes, Mikey I am logged in and I have the name in blue at the bottom here, but not when I post.

    Stangely it works fine on other sites as ive just tried it and the link works perfectly.

  43. Mikey Says:

    sorry…grammar apalling today.
    1). log in to your wordpress account on your blog.
    2). Set the picture and your website url.
    3). From the same window go to wwm.
    4). At bottom of page where “Leave a reply is” you should see you are logged in.

  44. Mikey Says:

    probably just needs to propogate.

  45. Mikey Says:

    click view refresh or f5 perhaps..?

  46. Swineshead Says:

    F5 solves all ills.

  47. Mikey Says:

    Nice review. I am not sure where responsibilty lies in these matters.
    The food manufacturers, the government, the parents or society as a whole. Maybe it is the persons own fault or they have some sort of abnormal addiction to food more so than a “normal” person. We do however have different metabolisms and abilities to burn off calories.

  48. Quincy Phd Says:

    Put it this way – a heroin addict is only certain of two things;
    1) they want to quit heroin
    2) they want more heroin until then.

    You can have endless sympathy for them and their predicament because it’s not a situation they actively chose, however it’s very easy to run out of patience when they fail to do something about it. When you’re shooting up between your toes in an abandoned warehouse at 5am it’s pretty fair to say you should be aware you have a problem, but do they deserve sympathy just because of that?

    I have no problem with recovering heroin addicts or people who seek treatment because they should have – nay deserve – our respect and help. Its the skagheads who have hung around outside my work for the last 3 years, asking for change and using the phone to call their dealer that I hate…

    It’s the same with overeaters – I realise that it’s the result of a thousand different social and personal problems and is not just a case of being greedy, however if you reach the point where you can’t see your feet, let alone walk on them, then I struggle to maintain my sympathy.

    If you won’t listen to the advice of doctors or of friends or of basic fucking common sense then why should I spend my time ‘oohing’ and ‘aaahing’ over your situation? People overcome terrible diseases and afflictions and accidents everyday, and I’m expected to feel sorry for you because you ate too many hamburgers when people told you not to?

    It’s also worth noting that obesity is exclusively a western problem, and pretty much a great visual metaphor for our attitude towards the world.

  49. Mikey Says:

    I was going to say it “seems” a western problem, but I am not completely convinced.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Quincy – I’ll listen to your point of view when you finish that article you started but left to rot (and it’s not the first time, I ought to add)

  51. Mikey Says:

    Perhaps better to say where there is a surplus of food, the conditions exist.
    (Stating the bleeding obvious really).

  52. Quincy Phd Says:

    SH – fair enough. I was struggling with the opening and thought I’d leave it to stew in my head for a few days. I’ll get it finished today, let’s face it it’s not hard as it will comprise largely of the sentence ‘Jimmy Carr is shit’ over and over again…

  53. Quincy Phd Says:

    Ah, also I’ve figured out the login problem… if you have blogs of your own, like Mikey and Swineshead do, then you’ll be blue and that’ll link to your blog… if you’re just a login writer like me then you’ll get your picture up but no blue link.

    Make sense?

  54. charliemingles Says:

    Its easier to give up drink or drugs because you can never have them again. but you need to eat every single day. that would be like an alcoholic going from a 2 bottles of vodka a day to a small glass of wine. far easier to just give up.

    I also think the image of the baby being fed the hamburger is most shocking thing, even moreso if you watched the show,a s it shows that, once this sort of behaviour is set in very early, its very very hard to get out of.

    there was one quote I never used, which was ‘ we all use food to show love’

    I think thats often at the root of it. very young kids, babies even, get to associate the two very early in their brain chemistry.

  55. Mikey Says:

    But certainly in Britain, where we do have this culture of the nanny state, and are reminded on a daily basis what is good for us and what is not, it does seem fairly self evident, that if you sit around all day eating fast food and take no exercise then you probably will get fat. Let us not forget though for some it is a real problem, and there is a genetic disposition to weight gain. It is not a simple issue.

  56. indy Says:

    anyone seen the simpsons episode where homer eats his way to being obese in order to get to work from home? the bart simpson dream scene where he is surrounded by journos and goes (thick southern accent) “i wash myself with a raaag on stick”. gold.

    however. after seeing the picture of this venti-sized fellow i get a vision: somewhere, maybe in the council estate where i used to live, a 150 kg man turns to his 120 kg wife and says “look at that luv! you see, we’re not fat!” just to continue eating out of the handy mini-mars bars bag squeezed between them in their near-collapsing sofa.

    so, how do you solve a problem like kenneth? carrot or stick? carrot isn’t the answer if you ask me, unless you deepfry it kenneth won’t go for it. no. taxation, please. increase the tax on sugar and fats and force us back to the good ole middle ages body standard where you could see who was king or peasant by the size of his gut.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    no quincy, afraid not.

    As Ive said, I am logged in in blue down here at the bottom.

    it also works on other sites okay.

    I posted something on andrew collins’ site yesterday just to test it out.

    And that links fine, even though hes not even on WordPress and I had to do it as an open ID.

    fuck knows. not the end of the world.

  58. Mikey Says:

    Charlie, i did have the same problem and it just suddenly started working.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Jimmy Carr really is shit.

  60. Mikey Says:

    What I would say is, good parenting is the first line of defence. Easily said ..but do we have the right to tell anyone how to bring up their kids? In some cases maybe yes , in others no.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    jimmy carr has something annoying about his derek nimmo face. but he does have some good lines.

    ‘ I do worry that these fat kids are sending mixed-signals to our paedophiles. Sure theyre easier to catch. Who wants to fiddle with a fatty?’

    Funny

  62. Mikey Says:

    Having dealt with this issue of the day, I better go out and do some more good deeds and crimefighting…to the batmobile!

  63. Dave Says:

    ‘I called a woman a walrus and she turned round and said “you’re fatist”. I just pointed at her and said, well it’s actually you that’s fattest!!!!11!!!”

    Where are your one-liners like that, SH, before you judge a fine young man like Carr.”

  64. charliemingles Says:

    ‘the sex offenders register. Im not even sure they should be in school’

    Another jimmy carr one liner

  65. Quincy Phd Says:

    Save the Carr debate for later when I finish my review of his latest piece of televisual ‘gold’ – oh ok, I’ll finish it now.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    ‘there are 1 million obese children in britain. Do you realise if they all jumped up and down at the same time …they might lose a little bit of fucking weight’

    he does have a smug odgy face that youd never tire of punching. but, i think thats probably just genetics.

    the poor bastard is english, you see. and middle class. he didnt stand a fucking chance.

    jimmy carr

  67. charliemingles Says:

    testing …

  68. charliemingles Says:

    wahooo! it worked

  69. indy Says:

    jimmy carr – isn’t he, sort of, the mr hyde of david mitchell’s dr jekyll? never liked carr… his hair is “evil black”.

  70. charliemingles Says:

    some people just have one of those faces/voices that you take aninstant dislike to.
    I used to hate jimmy carr, almost as much as I hate alan carr. but the quality of his material and then seeing him interviewed on chat shows where he was much more likeable and relaxed, made me realise its really just a stage persona. you can hate the stage persona of course. but too much hate leads to cancer, apparantly. look at bil hicks. god rest his soul

  71. Swineshead Says:

    Like Quincy says, let’s leave the Carr topic till his face appears onscreen…. the useless, hateful, fat bastard.

  72. Dave Says:

    I love how you called him hateful before proceeding to offend not only illegitimate childrem both the beautiful obese too! Really, Swineshead, follow me into the pixie tunnel of love and joy before it’s too late…it’s never too late…

  73. Swineshead Says:

    I see B3ta have found HTGLN – no prompting from us I ought to add…
    Not that I know who edits that site or anything

    http://b3ta.com/links/Calls_itself_filthy_fan_fiction

  74. goodbyetoallfat Says:

    I wrote about this a bit in one of my blog entries (“How did I get so fat?”) a couple of months back when I started my blog. I can’t past the link because WordPress seems to think that me (a mere humble blogspot blogger) is spamming you when I attempt to link, so will copy some of my thoughts on the matter below:

    =====================================

    Something that puzzles me about the super-morbidly obese, like the world’s fattest man, Manuel Uribe, who weighed 1,232 lb at his heaviest (approx 88 stone or 560 Kg), is how did they get so fat that they cannot walk?

    And when did they go through the stage of life becoming a little bit difficult to walk, perhaps limited to just a few steps and semi-armchair bound, and did they not realise that NOW would be a good time to stop eating?

    What enabled them to carry on eating until they were a medical phenomenon and a human freak show for documentary TV makers? Bearing in mind that by the time the super-morbidly obese cannot walk, it is no longer them obtaining the food keeping them obese, what made their family think it would be a good idea to carry on feeding their bed bound invalid relative 30,000 calories a day?

    Hello?

    However when I watch TV documentaries like “World’s Fattest Man” or “Half Ton Hospital” the thought also occurs to me that normal sized people probably think exactly the same about me. How did she let herself end up weighing over 300 lbs (over 21 stone) and look so gross?

    Well I have just reached the kind of weight where life starts to get a little difficult, my movements are slightly restricted, my knees and back are often in pain, if I sit down in a plastic bucket seat at a cafe I am in danger of being wedged in, and my body is giving me the message loud and clear “Now would be a good time to stop eating! Could we switch to salads for a while, fat girl?”

  75. charliemingles Says:

    no, Goodbye, I think youre being far too hard o yourself.

    youre obviously nowhere near that sort of problem and the fact that you have the self awareness to speak so honestly about it, sounds like youre dealing with it.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    I was getting a bit flabby myself recently, sitting in front of a computer allday. I gave up wheat and dairy products for a month, which is easier than youd think as the craving only lasts 24 hours and I got back to full fitness again.

    I know its not so easy for everyone. but its the craving obviously thats the problem, and food full of fat, sugar and chemicals is deliberately designed to make you want to eat more.

  77. Quincy Phd Says:

    Interesting entry Goodbye (you know for ages I misread your name as goodbyetoallofthat which would be slightly more depressing)…

    The key issue here is, as you say, is “what made their family think it would be a good idea to carry on feeding their bed bound invalid relative 30,000 calories a day?” A decent support system for anyone going through major change is the key to success – be that dieting, quitting drinking or coming off drugs. If you have someone around who insists on feeding you when you’re 88st then they clearly have some abandonment issues and are not the best person to care for the morbidly obese.

    It also sounds like you’re a pretty self aware person who took note of any warning signs when you should, although this is more of a health issue than weight issue because as we all know it’s perfectly possible to be fat and healthy, just the same as you can be skinny and unhealthy.

  78. Clarry Says:

    “How come everyone was overflowing with sympathy for George Best, or even fucking Winehouse? It’s no different – to them, food is a drug.”

    Sorry Wenchy, but i’ve no sympathy for them either – overindulgence of any kind is repulsive.

    “what made their family think it would be a good idea to carry on feeding their bed bound invalid relative 30,000 calories a day?”

    That’s exactly what I was sayin about my neighbour ‘Britain’s fattest man’ -surely there should be some sort of investigation as someone continued to feed him in this manner, which was without question, slowly contributing to his death. If I slowly poisoned someone over a number of months or years i’d still be done for murder.

  79. Jamie Says:

    Jimmy Carr’s stand up is far too robotic. He’s a funny bloke but there’s no flow at all to his shows, he just stands there and reels jokes off a list, might as well just stick them up on a webpage so we can all read through them.

    Funny bloke though.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    Quincy, I think youre right about the suprt network, Kenneths family seemed nice enough, until you saw their eating habits. and when his daughter was quizzed about this, and feeding her baby a fucking HAMBURGER!!!!! she had that look of denial in the eyes you see with drug addicts. junk food is extremely addictive. but kenneth has to take the rap for this one. he probably fed her hamburgers as a baby too.

    as philip larkin says:

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad
    they may not mean to but they do
    They give you all the faults they had
    and add some extra just for you …
    etc

    ‘this be the verse’, great poem.

  81. charliemingles Says:

    THIS BE THE VERSE

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad
    they may not mean to but they do
    They give you all the faults they had
    and add some extra just for you

    But they were fucked up in their time
    by folks in old style coats and hats
    Who, half the time were soppy-stern
    and half at one another’s throats

    Man hands on misery to Man
    It deepens like a coastal shelf
    Get out as early as you can
    And don’t have any kids yourself

    Boom boom!

    Philip Larkin
    Miserable bastard he was.

  82. Jamie Says:

    I prefer ‘Football’ by George Dawes.

    “Send that punk off the pitch, bitch.”

  83. charliemingles Says:

    an interesting and undoubtedly profound piece george. I think I studied that one at university.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    It’s all gone a bit high brow in ‘ere, ain’t it?

  85. charliemingles Says:

    what can I say. Im well-educated. should I be mocked and persecuted and driven out of town. again.

  86. Jamie Says:

    I’m trying my best to keep it no higher than middle brow.

    Big balls. Fanny hair.

  87. charliemingles Says:

    okay, a knock knock gag:

    knock knock knock knock knock
    knock knock knock knock knock
    knock knock knock knock knock

  88. charliemingles Says:

    who’s there?

    Phiip Glass

  89. charliemingles Says:

    Sorry. Im a fireman, so until someone sets fire to themselves, I’ve got nothing better to do than write crap on here …

  90. Swineshead Says:

    You’d be spending your time a little better if you went over here and checked some new smut, my boy:

    http://howthegoodlooknaked.wordpress.com

  91. charliemingles Says:

    and you had the audacity to tell ME the half ton dad picture might drive away traffic swinehead?

    thats hideous. but very very funny and strangely well-written. If only the (anonymous) author could turn his had to something more productive, like romantic fiction or harry potter, he’d be loaded.

    how come you always know just when the new post goes up? seems a bit suspicious to me …

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Blimey. You go away for a while and look what happens.

  93. charliemingles Says:

    and im still waiting for your debs one

  94. charliemingles Says:

    that’ll be me napoleon. currently I’m free, inman style

  95. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah – charlie appears to have lost it and is speaking to himself, it’s odd.

    I didn’t write any of those articles, I’ll have you know. And Piqued didn’t do any either, or Napoleon. Or Louche. Anyone who says we did is lying.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    *pause midway through totally unrelated article about shitted knackers*

    Nothing to do with me.

  97. Quincy Phd Says:

    Testing testing testing.

    Just set meself with another blog, I want one of those blue name things.

    Can’t shake the feeling that I’m procrastinating somewhat, and I’m not even a fireman.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    well, I could believe it of napoleon or, his apprentice in filth, dave.

    but not you swinehead. you seem so cultured and sophisticated like

  99. Quincy Phd Says:

    Damn it. I’d have thought http://www.quincyphd.wordpress.com would have granted me some kind of special status. Seems not.

  100. charliemingles Says:

    quincy. I clicked on my name at the bottom here assuming it s in blue. which took me to my wordpress site. I then had to fill in the name of my site url in the space requested and uploaded a photae.

    I think thats what swinehead suggested to me at about 10am, but I was too stupid to pick it up till about three hours later. being scoatash

    good luck, if that makes any sense.

    I am one of those people who are happy to use computers, but has absolutely no idea how they work, as blackadder would say.

  101. Dave Says:

    “well, I could believe it of napoleon or, his apprentice in filth, dave.”

    That’s a bizarre observation right above me there /|\

  102. Napoleon Says:

    What do you mean my ‘apprentice in filth’? Dave? You’re shoving me on the same level as that shithouse? Jesus Christ! For the first time in my life, I’m genuinely offended.

  103. Quincy Phd Says:

    Thanks Charlie, I’ve given it a shot but I’m leaving it here whether it works or not. Life is too short anyway.

    Good article, by the way, and has anyone else noticed the photo at the top quite clearly isn’t the worlds fattest man but Eddie Murphy in another fat suit? You can tell by the size of his teeny head.

    I have to go. Must. Do. Some. Work. I need this to happen to get anything done these days:

  104. charliemingles Says:

    worked quincy old boy. im just setting up my It consultancy page as we speak.

  105. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – apprentice. that means he does all the shit jobs and makes the tea and learns from the filth master. I wuld think that was quite flattering myself. no offence dave.

  106. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That Richard Attenborough fan fiction is brilliant. Nice one, Piqu-anonymous writer.

  107. Dave Says:

    Me and Perry are nothing alike. He’s a great illustrator and writer whilst I’m some anomynous annoyance spouting out crap whilst I work in a call centre because I’m not a great illustrator and writer. We’re nothing alike.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Cheque’s in the post, Dave.

  109. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    At least he didn’t say anything racist.

  110. Dave Says:

    Just calling the bleeding fuckign obvious. I felt bad for you there.

  111. charliemingles Says:

    this clip of jack nicholson’s hydrogen car from 1978. youd think wed have got these into production by now. Conspiracy?

    Dave, my apolgies, you are scum. Hope that helps.

  112. Dave Says:

    Well, you can read about my gran accusing me of being a homosexual (which I’m fucking not, she’s an odd one) at my fine blog, then make your own conclusion which is probably the one you’ve already come to –

    daveselectricblanket.blogspot.com

  113. charliemingles Says:

    you know when you hover over your name it takes you to google. is thise some sort of intentional dadaaist situational performance piece? or a mistake?

  114. charliemingles Says:

    thats to dave, what I are speaking that last one

  115. Dave Says:

    I can type the Google URL in about 0.233 seconds (strangely the same amount of time it takes Google to bring up search results for “dog’s arse”), but my blog site, well that can stretch me to 3 seconds, me having banana fingers and all that.

  116. mr pedantic Says:

    cant believe you didnt get a tyler durden gag in there with the bit about all that fat being removed from mateys thighs. just imagine the soap company profit margins!

    for shame WWM, ur slipping…..

  117. Dave Says:

    Chuck Palahniuk’s sooo ten years ago…

  118. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve come to a conclusion about Chuck Palwossizface – namely that he’s shite. And a shyster too – check out his creative writing / money-laundering website. What a pile of shit.

  119. Dave Says:

    I agree. His book about a car crash victim, ex-model man/woman was downright odd for the sake of being downright odd. That’s my take.

  120. Clarry Says:

    Dave do you book people in for health and safety tests?

  121. Dave Says:

    I unfortunately do exactly that. Every day.

  122. Clarry Says:

    The other week I actually failed my health and safety test. Oh the shame. Even retards can pass that, with ease. It’s a piece of piss multiple choice test and everything. Shhhhushhhhhhhhhh!!!!

  123. Clarry Says:

    You can see from that particularly fine piece of writing above that I am a v brainy.

  124. Dave Says:

    Listen, Clarrys, as a grown man that spends his days repeating the same phone conversation and colouring in fish shapes to win cheap digital cameras, because it’s supposed to mask the fact the job’s turned us all into hopeless depressives, let me tell you you’re far from an idiot.

    The marking structure’s a minefield anyhow…

  125. Clarry Says:

    Well, I sure felt like a dumbass… but thanks anyway.

  126. lelou Says:

    Who are you people? How come you’re all funny and intelligent? What is this site? When I click on something like this I expect to be annoyed by reactionary and smug comments and you are not meeting expectations. What is going on? Who am I?

  127. Nick T Says:

    You’re late…..

  128. Michell Says:

    Hahah lelou, I was JUST thinking the same thing. I was expecting idiots with half proper sentences lacking clauses and shit; instead, I get coherent thoughts and witty remarks? What the hell?

  129. How to Get Six Pack Fast Says:

    This is very up-to-date info. I think I’ll share it on Delicious.

  130. Peggie Says:

    LMAO!!! I just love your commentary! It has brought me the first belly laugh of the night!Thanks for sharing your witty observations.

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