You’ll have no doubt heard about this one. Punted as a cross between Time Team and The Da Vinci Code, it’s a newish BBC 1 drama series about a team of maverick archaeologists working at some dull university, who each week appear to uncover historical artefacts of such significance that in reality they’d have the scientific community reeling for months. Here, it’s just another day at the office.

In the past three weeks they’ve discovered The Holy Grail, the lost burial ground of Queen Boudica and this week, a sacred vessel from the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Inevitably, some big bad men also want to get their hands on these and what is known in the biz as ‘drama’ ensues.

The team consists of Adrian Lester, hotfoot from the entertaining ‘Hustle’. Julie Graham, 40-something Scottish siren last seen engaged in lesbo MILF action in ‘At Home with the Braithwaites’ and still quite sexy, despite getting a bit jowly. And some fluffy eye-candy playing the young intern, who’s there purely for reasons of exposition and soft porn.

But the real highlight of the show is Hugh Bonneville as Professor Gregory Parton (they hilariously refer to him as ‘Dolly’ the wags) who appears to have watched ‘Force on the Case’ from the original (ie funny) ‘Armstrong & Miller Show’ and decided to channel Jack Force. If you haven’t seen ‘Force’ he’s sort of like Inspector Morse with Alzheimer’s and a violent drinking problem. To all of this, Bonneville has cleverly added an Indiana Jones costume and a big red face. Yes, that’s what I was thinking – genius.

They all do their best with a script, obviously sent in by an earnest child for a Blue Peter competition and mistakenly delivered to the head of drama. But they don’t stand a chance. Even the superb and, as always,under-used Michael Maloney snoozes his way through his role as the head of the faculty worrying about funding. I think the Blue Peter child must have been nearing his beddy-byes by the time he got to creating Maloney’s character as his part was even more thinly-drawn than the others. But the poor kid was probably putting away his toys at the same time, bless him, so cut him some slack.)

Anyway, this week there was a crap CGI snake, some occult nonsense and a bunch of shadowy CIA types. The plot was all over the place and, even if I’d been able to follow it, probably not worth repeating. The thing is – I quite like it.

Okay, it’s utter rubbish. But if you’ve had a long day, you don’t always want to sit down and watch Baltimore’s finest unravelling the complex heirarchies of the Barksdale gang. Sometimes you just want a big double whopper cheeseburger. And this certainly delivers extra cheese.

Utter bollocks, but if you fancy emptying your brains into the settee, give it a try.

So tune in. Don’t be ashamed. Stand proud. Attend the meetings. ‘Hello My name is Charlie and I like Bonekickers …’

Postscript: Blue Peter Boy has now tidied his room and is script-editing the new series of Torchwood.

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61 Responses to “Bonekickers”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Never mind any of this rubbish! Over at my site, I’m offering the chance to win a two-week luxury break to the Middle East as first prize in my fantastic new board game competition. If you want to solve the Arab-Israeli conflict, heal the world, make it a better place AND walk away with a holiday you’ll never forget, go here now.

  2. Dave Says:

    I thought the show was rubbish and when it tried to be deep, with it’s views towards religion, it stepped well out of place considering the Beeb are supposed to be neutral. I say that as an aethiest. Rubbish.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s right for once. This show is rubbish.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve decided you’re an athiest, but you haven’t learned how to spell the thing that you are, Dave? You’re a moron.

  5. Dave Says:

    I’m ahgonstik actually. Prick.

  6. indy Says:

    I’ve got three problem with this kind of series:

    1: the frequency of solution/discoveries of high profile “cases”. the writers never goes for a script where the hero to find a clue to something that might have to do with, let’s say, the holy grail. nope. instead they go for the whole shebang. it’s just like the da vinci code where it takes the protagonist 24 hours to solve a mystery that has been in front of thousands of historians/theologists/your mama/etc for hundreds of years. what about a just a tiny bit of modesty? “ok, we didn’t find any final evidence that an alien civilization found atlantis but at least we found this vase that has an r2d2 like figure on it”.

    2: i can’t stop looking at this rubbish.

    3: nothing comes close to the brilliance of umberto eco’s “foucault’s pendelum”

  7. Napoleon Says:

    “3: nothing comes close to the brilliance of umberto eco’s “foucault’s pendelum””

    Except The Name of the Rose and The Island of the Day Before, which were better.

  8. indy Says:

    napoleon: i bet you recommend those books just as a cover up for the templar knight conspiracy!

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Dave called me a prick.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    No, I just enjoyed them more. Mind you, don’t take my towering literary recommendations too much to heart – I enjoyed Eco’s travelling with a fish colection more than anything else he’s written.

  11. Swineshead Says:


  12. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I saw that. I’d get your own back by beating him in my brand new board game.

  13. Dave Says:

    You rub my nose into harsh reality like a badly behaved dog to a steaming turd by the fireplace. What else could I do but call you a prick?

    You know I like you really.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – don’t say that – it’s even worse.

  15. Dave Says:

    * hugs swineshead *

    You see?

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Careful, Swineshead. That bulge in Dave’s trousers isn’t a replica Star Trek lazer gun.

  17. Dave Says:

    They’re called phasers, and when I first met Swineshead it was set to stun.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    And that sums up the difference between you and me, Dave. My getting the name of the gun wrong in Star Trek isn’t quite the disasterous social faux pas that pointing that mistake out is. Do they make your sort in a factory?

    Must have pasty skin, aversion to sunlight, love of everything science fiction, and unhealthy masturbation regime centred around the wierd looks of Gillian Anderson and the husky, man-faced charms of Sarah Michelle Gellar.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    And it’s your go on my game, by the way.

  20. Badger Madge Says:

    I can’t work your game out. Is I bin fick?

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Not at all, Badger. Simply roll the dice, tell me your score, and we’ll go from there. Heal The World’s relatively easy to pick up for beginners, and you might win that luxury holiday to Afghanistan for you and whatever toyboy you’ve picked up this week, you slattern.

  22. george Says:

    charliemingles, I feel your pain. For ages I’ve liked to sit down on my sofa with a good hour of friends after work, but everybody thinks it’s shit.

    Friends, that is, not my sofa. It’s a damned good sofa.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Everyone thinks Friends is shit because Friends is shit, George. I thought we’d sorted that out last week?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Are we talking about Frasier again?
    It’s shit, if people had forgotten.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with that. How come you’ve not entered my game, Swineshead? Anyone would think you didn’t want a free holiday to Afghanistan or a car.

  26. indy Says:

    “shame on a jigga who try to run game on a jigga” (wu-tang clan)

  27. Napoleon Says:

    That’s dancin’ dangerously close to Dave territory, Indy.

  28. Dave Says:

    I wouldn’t quote hip-hop unless it was The Beastie Boys or Jurassic 5. Or The Cool Kids.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t quote hip-hop at all because I’m to old to be able to do so without being laughed at by young people.

    You’ve not seen if you can get out of the danger zone by throwing a double six, Dave.

  30. george Says:

    Three alligators behind me, feel my skin is hard
    Transvestites, and people watch space parasites
    I left his head in the store, legs in the street
    Body in wilcox, with blood dripping off my feet. Dr Octagon.

    I’m licensed to quote from Dr. Octagon and blackalicious as a certified paid up geek.

  31. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon..your comments on Star Trek fans are going too far. You really should know it is a phaser. Admittedly some us wonder what sex would be like in zero gravity and others wonder what sex would be like fullstop, but there is no need to be rude about Gillian.
    I wonder however, if we should not have a “Scifi-ist ” list. Put Napoleons list on the top!
    It’s blatant discrimination and perpetuating a sterotype of us sci – fi fans.

  32. george Says:

    I agree Mikey. Correct terminology for star trek accecories would be on my citizenship test, if I were in charge.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    What the bloody hell did that all mean? At least in the old days you could understand the lyrics. Lyrics such as:

    Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye.
    Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
    Boy, you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down.

    Now that’s a proper lyric. You kids listen to gobbledygook nowadays.

  34. george Says:

    NP: The character (halfsharkalligatorhalfman) is explaining a recent murder and how he covered it up as to not attract police attention. By putting the body parts in different states the state police would all argue about who should get the homicide.

    There’s a page in the back with translations in the back for white people.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Go back to wanking over a Buffy poster in your bedroom, you white-skinned freakshow. By all means put me at the top of that list o’yours – I’ll just carry on being ignorant of Star Trek terminology and insulting to the not particularly attractive Miss Anderson. If all that happens is I get put on some bloody list, that’s fine. It’s not like you anaemic fuckers can do much else – immersing yourself in rubbish for twenty years hardly prepares you to take down a man who enjoys tough physical exercise and daylight. Bring it on.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    George – I don’t suppose there’s a page for old people, is there?

  37. george Says:

    *assimilates Napoleon into the Borg*

    You asked for that, you did.

  38. george Says:

    NP: unfortunately it’s so full of youthful energy to try and take in the translated words with your eyes will end up with your face melting like the end of that Indy film.

    It’s kind of like when I try and drink real bitter.

  39. charliemingles Says:

    george, never fear. Once they grow up and eventually lose their virginity and get girlfriends, they’ll see the light.

    Just been to the live collings & herrin podcast at the underbelly in edinburgh. shambolic rambling bollocks – and, as ever, highly amusing.

  40. Mikey Says:

    Rubah — gehnli tor-bosh t’ek’nam

  41. Dave Says:

    Yeah, our dear Collins features in the Metro today. And, NC, the only exercise you get is lifting a tin of Skol to your blistered lips, or the odd liqourish roll-up you smoke because you saw a terrorist roll one in that film Munich.

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I think Dave’s being racist against the Jews here.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    It sounds a bit like that to me.

  44. Dave Says:

    Did Simon Amstell just tell me I’m directing offence towards the Jews?

  45. Swineshead Says:

    *creates list featuring those suspected of being interested in sci fi*

    *Dave heads up list*

  46. Clarry Says:

    I could never, EVER watch a programme that:

    A) Had a name as stupid as Bonekickers and
    B) Contained a character that was played by the lightbulb-headed-man-with-googly-eyes that is Adrian Lester.

    NC – Forgotten all about that song. It featured on one of my best ever mix tapes when I was about 14.

  47. Dave Says:

    Can we just have one big list called Dave?

  48. charliemingles Says:

    I know ths storylines and acting are rubbish. But I only watch it for the rigorous scientific analysis. Call me a big pretentious intellectual kinda guy if you will.

  49. george Says:

    Charlie, all you’ve said so far about bonekickers mirrors my thoughts on CSI as well. ‘Hello there, turned up on a crime scene, have a little look round in my designer garbs and… hang on, what’s this? Ah it’s a blood splatter, and I can obviously tell just by looking at it that it fell to the ground at 6.20MPH from a bleeding male with a bad limp, blond hair and a fascination with Ready Steady Cook. I know all this off the top of my head and don’t need to look anything up.’ Brilliance.

  50. charliemingles Says:

    Geroge, Ive never really watched CSI although I really used to fancy marge hellgenberger who seems to have aged very well.

    I feel the same about House. the storylines are the same every single week, but the funny lines are great Hugh Laurie delivers his lines so well I could watch his doing anything.

  51. Dave Says:

    House is about dialogue and character. It must be utterly unapproachable for people who haven’t watched from day one, cos the formula’s pretty shit. I just wanna see Cuddy’s baps, that’s all.

    But House isn’t a BBC product, Bonekickers is. We expect quality and a sense of art and culture, do we not? We pay for it. I say this as an athiest.

  52. charliemingles Says:

    Well Mr Dave sir, its certainly no ‘Every Second Counts’, thats for sure.

  53. Dave Says:

    That’s not what I meant, Mr Mingles. I just feel that without a connection to the characters you are left with nothing. That’s what hooked me in, and I wish it hadn’t because I’m frankly embarrassed to own all the House series on DVD.

    As a friend of mine once said..’Jeez, Dave, House? What are you – a lady?’

    It’s great stuff though, and more cohesive than CSI or Bonekickers in the first two seasons.

  54. charliemingles Says:

    I reviewed bonekicker as an obvious example of total shite.

    I dont put House anywhere near the same category. Well-written, if a little formulaic, great character relationship between house/cuddy/wilson. some great subplots and, even when the formula is the same every week, it still manages to be very watchable.

    I have also seen just about every episode, but streamed them from instead. Love the one where wilson kidnaps house’s flying V.

    Can you believe it’s the same hugh laurie that played the prince regent? youd think he was acting or something.

  55. charliemingles Says:

    nice to see everyones so passionate about good/bad tv. I suppose thats appropriate given the natuire of the site.

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    that isn’t a real site, you know.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    are you all just a figment of my imagination?

  58. Swineshead Says:

    House is appalling because Hugh laurie’s accent is about 0.23% convincing. This is as compared to Officer mcNulty in The Wire (an old Eton boy, apparently) who registers an impressive 68.2%. I worked these figures out on a big calculator.

  59. Indy Says:

    sh: i can see you, dressed in a lab coat, in front of an 40ies computer machine, that weighs about two tons, violently forcing hugh “wooster” laurie’s head into a lemon sized hole (yes sir, it’s like pressing a melon through a hole the size of lemon!) in order to sort out the percentage of accent convicibility. thanks for that vision!

  60. Swineshead Says:

    indy: It’s not my fault you hang around in the tree outside my house.

  61. Dave Says:

    It’s a fair percentage.

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