The Hills


Soap operas have long been a supporting leg for the table of society; they provide common ground for discussion, offer up countrywide watercooler gossip and dangle before us the idea that somewhere within our barren, empty lives there is drama.

I’ve known more than one person who would, every night, start with Neighbours and then work through Hollyoaks, Home and Away, Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders in a straight flush of working class escapism. These people based their lives around those of others who didn’t exist. They spent their time absorbed in a fictional reality, whilst their very real one ebbed away.

When reality television became the genre du jour these people immersed themselves in that too – absorbing more and more cathode rays in the pursuit of gossip and speculation. Endlessly watching, discussing, watching, discussing, watching, discussing and all the while unaware that their days revolved around reacting to the stylised actions of others.

Which, in case you were wondering where this was all going, is a bit like sitting through half an hour of MTV’s reality soap opera ‘The Hills‘.

I wasn’t aware of this show until I stumbled upon this afternoon so a bit of Googled backstory may help the equally uninitiated – it’s a ‘docusoap’ about the lives of a bunch of rich and beautiful white people living in Beverly Hills, a spin off from another show about the same bunch of rich and beautiful white people living by the beach. I can’t quite work out who these people are or why they deserve their own TV show, but I’m guessing the fact they’re rich, beautiful and white has something to do with it.

Despite having no discernible talents, charisma or purpose we follow their every move as they are afforded the sort of connections and opportunities most people can only dream of, and we get to watch as they piss them away in a scat-orgy of mindless self indulgence and childish arguments. They work in exclusive nightspots, in high fashion, in entertainment and get to mingle with movie stars and industry giants whilst riding in private jets and squandering the income of your average household in one champagne-sodden long weekend. They are a Bret Easton Ellis novel come real.

First things first: this is not a reality show. If this is an honest portrayal of life then I have a gateway to Xanadu in my bathroom. It’s shot with the logistical complexity of a Robert Altman film – multiple camera angles no matter how impromptu the moment, exquisite lighting setups for each deeply-wrung conversation and editing so judicious it makes the Apprentice look like the work of DA Pennebaker. It’s also shot like a Michael Mann film – so cinematic in its portrayal of another indentikit LA bar that you wonder how they can have a normal conversation with a crew of 36 no less than 10ft away.

Each cast member is virtually indistinguishable from not only the others, but from themselves as well. With all the emotional complexity of a blueberry muffin they bitch about minute aspects of each other’s behaviour, overreact to the most basic of situations and prove themselves beyond all but the most simple human interaction. This is a world where a two minute conversation with an ex-boyfriend can lead to a screaming argument, where modelling for the editor of Teen Vogue is the most impressive thing ever and where the word ‘like’ features more than all other words combined.

I don’t see the point of this show. Soap operas offer consolation for the viewer, aligning themselves in sympathy whilst drama is supposed to offer blissful escape. But this programme does neither. The characters are so vacuous and pathetic that they’re not even worth scorn and their lives are so empty and repetitive that they make the supposed glamour of Beverly Hills seem dull. They don’t come across as special, or impressive, or even worth knowing – they’re not good guys or bad guys, they’re just people, boring ones at that, living the same life as the viewer – watching, discussing, watching, discussing – albeit in a different place.

Maybe, though, that’s the point – TV used to present excitement and escape as admirable pursuits, but that stopped us watching. Now it offers boredom and repetitive behaviour patterns; makes gossip and self importance important enough to be on TV and the audience will copy, they’ll ask less questions and do fewer things. Soon TV will be like an Escher painting, a self-eating circle snake of navel-gazing and nadir-worship.

Think I’m overreacting? Consider this – for the entire length of the show there was a piece of text in the corner of the screen advertising a new show on MTV that night, Totally Calum Best, in which the mentally-challenged fucktard attempts to go without sex for 50 days. I don’t want to sound like the old man in the corner, but if The Hills isn’t the beginning of the end of civilisation, then that certainly fucking is.

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163 Responses to “The Hills”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds better than the downright uncomfortable episode of EastEnders I watched last night. Made my flesh creep, did that.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    It wasn’t right, was it? Eastenders, I mean. Added to the fact that James Bardon, despite being brilliant at acting as a drunk old wastrel, can’t do ‘stroke victim’ without descending into a squeaking mess. Freaked me right out.

    Didn’t help that my brother had told me Bardon had died and that’s why he wasn’t in it any more. I’d passed through the other side of grief for James Archibald Branning, only to see my world collapse again.

    As for The Hills – Christ, I couldn’t bear five minutes of it. I’m having a shot at Totally Calum best tonight, which neatly ties in with this review. My take on it will be up tomorrow, all being well.

  3. Quincy Phd Says:

    I can proudly say that I’ve never seen an entire episode of Eastenders in my life. I’ve seen buts and bobs here and there but never the opening and closing credits of the same episode… I don’t get it. The acting is rubbish, the scripts terrible and the sets wobbly.

    That said, it’s still much better than the ITV soaps – I caught a little bit of Coronation Street the other day. Jesus Christ, that is fucking awful – I don’t understand HOW people can watch that crap let alone WHY they do.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    It was horrible. The thing is, that’s what Bardon’s like in real life. He’s still learning how to talk again – so all those R2D2 noises he was making were the real deal.

    I thought it was pretty fucking tasteless, even by ‘Stenders standards.

  5. Quincy Phd Says:

    Swineshead, I watched the Callum Best highlights on the MTV website – it’s a goldmine of abuse waiting to happen. Do us proud and bring that Joss Stone soundalike to his knees, place a carefully worded shotgun behind his head and blow that fucker away.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    The sets on EastEnders aren’t wobbly, Quincy. It’s not Prisoner Cell Block H. And some of the scripts have been good over the years, and a lot of the actors are excellent in their roles. You’re wrong, that’s what you is.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    For the benefit of younger viewers, Prisoner Cell Block H was an Australian lesbian prison muff-off + the wrinkliest woman who ever lived.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Quincy, I’m glad you put in that disclaimer about Eastenders there, about it being better than ITV rubbish. Eastenders is shit, for sure, but it’s a healthy stool if ever there was one.

    Apart from the Jim thing. Are you telling me, NC, that Bardon’s actually had a stroke and is unable to speak? That’s unbelievable.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    The quality of muff in Tenko as compared to Prisoner Cell Block H – discuss.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    You didn’t know this? That’s the reason he’s been away. He had a stroke in real life, and is now undergoing speech therapy to learn how to talk again. That’s why I found the whole thing a bit tasteless.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Tenko had better muff. Prisoner’s muff was too well built for my liking. That boot-faced prison guard and the giant red-haired prisoner were prime cuts of rump muff admittedly – just not my sort of muff. I prefer your more emaciated Tenko muff.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    If he’s of sound mind I suppose it’s not that bad.

    Is it just me or is Eastenders only good these days if Max Branning’s in the scene? For some reason he’s TV gold, that actor.

    The reason I didn’t know about Bardon is because my middle brother told me he was dead, in one of his inifinite arsenal of pub lies. He’s not even aware he’s telling trivial lies sometimes. I don’t know why his brain does it.

  13. Quincy Phd Says:

    I’m sure some of the scripts and actors are good, NC, but I’ve never been around it long enough to see that – all I remember is that Noleen fucker Alfie Moon and Robbie Williams having a cameo. Rubbish.

    What’s the point of watching it – or indeed any soaps – if they’re not going to end…? Ever. On and on and on and on and forever on, never stopping, never fully resolving, never giving you that satisfaction of a story told in it’s entirety.

    Apart from Crossroads, maybe, and Eldorado and Family Affairs…

  14. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know why he told you he was dead. Mind you, it could just be a muddle-up. For most of the 90s I was convinced Joss Ackland was dead, then I saw him in a film. Similarly, I’ve been labouring under the impression that Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson is a born-again Christian without finding any evidence to back this up. I’ve even asked people who know Bruce Dickinson and they’ve told me they don’t believe he is … yet still I’m convinced he is. It’s hard to shake these things sometimes.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Quincy – the evolving thread of Easties never stops being wound, but individual strands fall off and join with frequency. That’s my pseudo-poetic answer.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    That was a very swish answer, Swineshead. I was just going to call him a fat cunt, then run away.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I thought Morgan Freeman was dead for a week till I bothered to google it yesterday. Me and the missus seemed content to accept the fact he’s passed on. That’s not racist, by the way.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    It sounded slightly racist to me. I also thought George Harrison was dead after that bloke wandered into his house and stabbed him. I spent a week wondering why more hadn’t been made about the second Beatle to be murdered.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I had a two hour argument about John Goodman not being dead a year ago. He’s still not dead despite this aggressive South African bloke insisting he died two years ago.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Perhaps the South African bloke mixed him up with John Candy? Or that fat fella off of 2.4 Children who was in the Paul Calf diaries? They’re both dead … I think.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got my heating on. In August. Fucking ridiculous.

  22. Dave Says:

    Why isn’t Kurt Douglas dead? Or is he?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Heating eh? That’ll cost you a fortune. I’ve taken to setting fire to my feet rather than turn the boiler on in an effort to bloody the noses of British Gas.

    I see Thames Water are asking the equivalent of a quid a day per head for payment of a substance that’s every human’s right.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    You’re mixing your Kurts with your Kirks there, Dave. Kirk’s not dead because he’s made of wire.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Kirk Douglas is dead. He died a while back.

    Swineshead – I fixed my prices, much to the amusement of my step-father who’s now eating his words. It’s still dear, mind.

    I’m on Yorkshire Water up here. They’re planning on putting their prices up – which is a fucking cheek considering how much of the stuff falls out of the sky for free on any given week.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Kirk’s dead is he? Christ. At least we can rest assured that Stax legend and latterday South park chef, Isaac Hayes is still kicking it with the surviving soul legends.

  27. Dave Says:

    I know Kurt’s dead, I’m on about Kirk. Pfft.

    It’s hard to get my neurons firing whilst I work.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I said Kirk, you pasty little fucker.

    I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Swineshead, but funky soul man grandmaster Isaac Hayes kicked the bucket on Sunday. Well … I think he did anyway.

  29. Dave Says:

    At least we still have Bernie Mac…

  30. Napoleon Says:

    He’s not dead too, is he?

  31. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just looked, and he is! 51 years old, Jesus.

    There’ll be another one to go now. Celebrity deaths always come in threes.

  32. Dave Says:

    Transformers 2 just won’t be the same.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Who’s dead?

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Bernie Mac. Fella off of Bad Santa.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Oh. Rest in Peace, Bernie Mac.

    Anyway – Calum Best / 50 days. Has anyone you know ever been celibate for 50 days? A few I know have. In fact – probably all of them, including me. Dave’s currently holding the celibacy record I think.

  36. Mikey Says:

    Shaft title track absolutely brilliant, brilliant and brilliant!

    Anyway, Eastenders is complete and total rubbish. It is awful and I am too polite to suggest the mental capacity of people who watch it or indeed write it. It’s garbage.

    I will admit however to quite enjoying Coronation Street. By and large I quite like the characters. Whilst it does sometimes go over the top, it is a completely different show to Stenders. The character of Steve Mcdonald is great and the female actresses more to my taste.

  37. Dave Says:

    That was an assasination Swineshead. My nob’s still alive – isn’t it? Oh dear God.

    I have intercourse quarterly, I thank you.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I gave it a go for half a week, then got bored with the experiment and went out and picked up a Ritzy tart for the night. Celibacy’s overrated.

    Looking at Dave, I don’t think his celibacy is out of choice. The ugly fucker.

    Mikey – You call people who watch EastEnders retards, then say you like Coronation Street? Can you spot the discrepency here?

  39. Swineshead Says:

    This may sound weird, but that lady with the afro and the massive knockers* from Coronation Street does something weird for me.

    *could be the massive knockers.

  40. charliemingles Says:

    I haven’t seen this show and don’t really plan to. However, I’ve seen a clip for the Calum Best show and that really is the low point. Who gives a monkey’s fuck what calum best does, tedious wanker.

  41. Mikey Says:

    I can see no discrepancy. Coronation Street is far superior. The actors generally much better (Ben Kingsley was in it once) and the storylines more humourous. When Sir Ian Mckeklen was in it as a would be author/conman some years ago, it was excellent. The character of Ken Barlow should appeal to all would be writers and intellects. And of course nobody makes a hotpot like Betty.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t watched it in years. Is Brian Tilsley still in it? And that randy old woman with the purple hair that was always after him with the glasses wot looked a bit like Foggy Dewhurst?

  43. Mikey Says:

    Thats probably before my time. I only really started watching in about 2002.

  44. charliemingles Says:

    jesus fuck. I just watched the trailer at the top of the page. cuoldnt make it past 1 min 15. My main emotion is sadness for these poor empty fuckers and the people who want to be them.

    Isnt there a ring in Dante’s inferno where the ‘gods’ are. they are eternally beaitiful and young and obsessed with their appearence and doomed never to find love or happiness and never know theyre in hell but to think theyre in heaven? Something like that. Thats pretty much it right there.

    pity is the only appropriate emotion.

    wheras calum best. hes my eric roberts. ‘calum best gets beaten to death by some drunk geordies’ now thats a tv show

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – EastEnders has had its fair share of fine British thespians. That great Shakepearean actor Perry Fenwick (‘The new Olivier’ – Wigan Mental Disability Unit Patient Therapy Newspaper), the acting colossus that is Adam Woodyat (‘Move over, Pacino!’ – Adam Woodyat Fan Club Monthly), and barrage-balloon sized lesboid actorix Pam St. Clements (‘Good udders’ – Udder Appreciation Society News). You’re not giving the ‘Stenders its dues.

  46. Mikey Says:

    Coronation Street is worth watching though for Maria, Carla and Michelle. (PhoaW). Status Quo were on it too, some years ago which was quite a good storyline. It really is different class to the bbc soap, and does demonstrate that commercial tv, in this case Granada is capable of quite classy programs.

  47. charliemingles Says:

    Sexiest ever eastender by a mile was brook kinsella as kelly. even before the stabbing. those crooked teeth and the little dirty blonde ponytail. gorgeous.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – That hell thing you describe doesn’t actually sound that bad compared to the more traditional flayed alive/poker up the arse for all eternity scenario the church warns you about. I’d take admiring myself and thinking I’m in heaven over monstrous torments involving my anus any day of the week.

  49. charliemingles Says:

    I think thats the whole point of the levels. gets worse as you go down obviously

  50. Napoleon Says:

    That may be the point, but it doesn’t stop it sounding alright to me. Anyway, this is no place to start bandying Dante’s Inferno about, you poncy bastard.

  51. charliemingles Says:

    wasnt that a terrible film with pierce brosnan …and eric roberts?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    As for Brooke Kinsella – she was nought but a child when in ‘Enders, you dirty shit.

    *compiles new list*

    Tiffany was the most beautiful ‘Ender. I loved her, even if she’d had Ross Kemp’s blunt instument inside her.

  53. charliemingles Says:

    tiffany comes a close second ( too easy) the big titted mockney hoor.

    by the way, whoever writes that fan fiction needs to see a doctor

  54. Napoleon Says:

    I preferred the grown-up charms of Mel. And the big-shouldered, Bionic Woman good looks of Zoe Slater … does that add me to your new list? I can’t remember how old she was. Anyway, I liked her when she was street-legal.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Zoe was street-legal I think. Not that I check these things avidly.

    The only reason to watch Corrie (on mute with Barry White playing) is linked below.

    As for How The Good Look Naked – no idea who writes it, it could be a team of people. Anyway – I notice it’s been updated.

  56. charliemingles Says:

    who was the one with the big tits and the geordie accent who won the dancing. she was nice

  57. charliemingles Says:

    mel was far too squeaky clean, whats wrong with you man.

  58. Dave Says:

    Is that filthy Lohan girl a LESBIAN these days?

  59. Swineshead Says:

    I thought Lindsey Lohan was dead?

  60. charliemingles Says:

    cindy, even if she did technically have to have had ian beals cock inside her at least once, still very sexy.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    To my eternal shame I used to really fancy lindsay corkhill in brookside.

    thank god they cancelled it, Ialmost wore myself out. it was that stupid bovine mouth that did it I think.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    shame about isaac hayes. I saw him just last week on a soul documentary on BBC4, still looks as cool as ever.

    Is it racist to say that black guys seem to age cooler than us pasty white dudes. Swinehead?

  63. Mikey Says:

    Here we go again…soap actresses. May I remind you once again..Pilar Moreno. Nobody comes close.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not sure, Charlie, I’ll check the Guardian message board and Andrew Collin’s site for liberal verification.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with Mikey on Pilar. Not literally.

    As for Corkhill, I’ve met her*. She’s not very attractive.

    *in this case:

    ‘met’ = ‘walked past her while pissed and covered in my own sick in the middle of the day’

  66. charliemingles Says:

    whew! looks like im in the clear then

  67. Napoleon Says:

    I never did like her, she had a funny mouth. Much nicer was the incest sister, and the fucking lovely to look at Beth Jourdache (Anna Friel). I defy anyone to come up with a better lookin’ Brookside tartlette than ‘er.

  68. charliemingles Says:

    you smooth talker mister S.

  69. charliemingles Says:

    just checked out a photo of that moreno burd. very cute, she has the slight squint thing thats so sexy. what is it with the squint? I also like the little gap between the front teeth – like the cute welsh one in torchwood.

  70. charliemingles Says:

    hope Ive managed to lower the tone again succesfully.

  71. charliemingles Says:

    havent watched eastenders for years and years. is it worth watching? Dont want to get addicted to soaps again, its harder to get off than crack.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not worth it at the moment, no. It’s been rubbish for months.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s move on, we’ve already done soapy womens.

    I think the pertinent question here is why was Dave even skirting around MTV if he knew stuff like The Hills would be on? Oh! He ‘stumbled upon it’!


  74. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s Quincey? Ugly, racist Dave? Spekky four-eyed, call centre drone Dave? Fat Dave? Fat, pasty-skinned ginger Dave?

    That Dave?

  75. charliemingles Says:

    I havent done soapy womens, you bastard. But I’ll reluctantly move on.

    Back to the work of Dante then …

  76. Napoleon Says:

    I saw Dante’s tomb last year. Wasn’t impressed in the slightest because me feet were hurting something bloody chronic.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    No – Dave Medlo is Qunicy, I thought we all knew that?
    He didn’t want folk equating his day job with the writing he does on here, which I feel does us a massive disservice. I can’t think why he’d want to disassociate himself in such a way.

  78. charliemingles Says:

    im just listening to hot buttered soul, that classic isaac hayes album .

    It really is great and sounds like it was made last week. And portishead took the entire thing and made dummy.

    Shame he went all scientology mental, because it obscured a very talented and very cool man. superb sound if you havent heard it.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, it’s that Dave. Bit of a poncified thing to do, that. He thinks he’s that important, does he? Pah!

    Medlo, you’re a fat ponce with ideas above your damned station.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    ive never heard of dave medlo – if that helps to redress the balance

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Leave the boy alone, he at leasts writes articles with something approaching frequency…

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Nice dig there. It would help if they bothered to put anything worth watching on the telly during the summer. It’s all shit, shit, shit.

  83. charliemingles Says:

    I hope thats not directed at me mr H. Cause it wrote my wife swap ‘piece’ ( as we call it in the trade) in three hours flat. and its a work of flawed genius.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    It’s going up at some point, CM.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Oooo, I hate that ‘Year Of The Cat’ song.

  86. charliemingles Says:

    I used to quite fancy that scottish one out of kim and aggie in a retro razzle readers wife sort of way until I read that filth on the fan fiction site.

    Must you banish all my wank fantasies to the incinerator? who’s next – ray mears?

  87. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think you’re asking the right people, Charlie. That disgusting site has nothing to do with any of us.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t even know what Mingles is talking about.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Neither do I.

  90. charliemingles Says:

    okay. if you see the twisted twats, pass it on.

    isaac is now singing jimmy webbs superb by the time I get to phoenix. timeless classic.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    I doubt he’s singing anything since Sunday, Charlie. Not live anyway.

  92. charliemingles Says:

    okay, but If I open my crisp freshly ironed internet tomorrow morning and see that ray mears is fashioning a dildo out of coconut leaves and bark – there’ll be monkey hell to pay. cant you see ive got a gun?

  93. charliemingles Says:

    speaking of anna friel – did anyone ever review that pushing daisies?

    I only ever watched the first episode and it ws too deliberately quirky for me although anna seems to have retained her freckled perkyness despite reaching the dizzy heights of 30 odd.

    who would have thoght that the ITV buyers would yet again fail to guess what audiences want to see and spent a fortune on another instantly forgetable show. dont they read this fine site?

  94. Dave Says:

    “Ugly, racist Dave? Spekky four-eyed, call centre drone Dave? Fat Dave? Fat, pasty-skinned ginger Dave?”

    I thought that quite kind actually, you could have taken that a lot further.

    And don’t call many people this, you may think it harsh but…PRICK. You fucking Prick.

    And SH, Lohan died emotionally a long time ago. Her big, floppy orange tits are very much alive.

  95. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – stop being sexist.

  96. charliemingles Says:

    Dave, are you THE Dave?

  97. Dave Says:

    I’m the other Dave.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    I’m choosing to ignore those comments, Dave, as I know you’re mentally retarded, a sexist and a racist.

    Every day he proves himself to be more and more of a pig.

  99. charliemingles Says:

    THE other dave? wow!

  100. Napoleon Says:

    He nicked that name off some other Dave.

  101. Dave Says:

    Yes, ‘Napoleon’.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Do I need to explain that AGAIN, Dave?

  103. Dave Says:

    No, but some bugger at EMPIRE compared a supehero movie to Citizen Kane this very month. Coincidence?

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway, I don’t need to put up with your filthy blather, Dave. I’m an internationally acclaimed singing sensation now, and you’re one of the little people who supported me on my rise to the top. Now I’m up ‘ere, I’m dropping your type like a stone, d’ye hear? Up yours, Dave.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Did they? I haven’t read EMPIRE in donkey’s years, so I wouldn’t know. I’d say it is a coincidence – if they didn’t exist I’d be suing Viz for printing an almost word for word piece about refusing to eat meatless chocolate that I’d first written a month before.

    Anyway, as I say, I don’t need the little people anymore.

  106. Dave Says:

    You’re no Falko. Don’t do it man, think of your family.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I’m better than Falco, better. My new song, 1944, has already been called ‘a masterpiece’ by Melody Maker.

    Do they still make Melody Maker? If not, then the NME said it.

  108. Dave Says:

    I think Melody Maker went down with The Old Grey Whistle Test.

    Music’s a young man’s game anyway. Why embarrass yourself?

  109. charliemingles Says:

    I believe the 80’s transgender tribute band – men without twats – are already planning to cover that napoleon. congratulations.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Bugger off, the pair of you. You’re just jealous that I’m an amazing singer along with my other talents. Envy’s a terrible thing in ones so young.

  111. charliemingles Says:

    not so much x factor, so much as why factor. did you see what I did there? clever eh? did I mention ive read dante?

    Napoleon, if youre looking for a lyricist for the album, look no further. I think ive clearly demonstrated my ability to create beautiful word-play up there with tim rices ‘… at sixes and sevens with you, all dressed up to the nines’

    And you can get better than that. with me on board we could go all the way to the top.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t need a bloody lyricist, thanks very much. You’ve clearly not listened to the lyric`s on my 2008 hit 1944, have you. They have energy, they have power and, most importantly, they send a message to those brutes in the bloody EEC.

    Stick your lyrics up your arse, Mingles.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    See? I’m so mad, I’ve forgotten how to write properly.

  114. charliemingles Says:

    artistic differences have set in already – a split due to musical differences cant be far off. its like being in the beatles.

    Dave, you can be ringo if you like.

    Napoleon – it all went wrong when you started bringing that shreiking yoko-alike swinehead into the recording studio. its janine all over again. such early promise.

  115. charliemingles Says:

    forty-four …paddy’s at the door …with a filthy whore …andrea corr …

    ive got all the rhymes right here. just waiting for the call.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Sing ’em y’self. I’ve got my own magic lyrics, I don’t need yours.

    Anyway, where’s everyone fucked off to?

  117. charliemingles Says:

    maybe they have work to do. poor rat-race shackled bastards. call centres to man. customers to annoy and demoralise. the world apparantly keeps turning unfortunately.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right. So it’s just rats like you on here is it? Unemployed wastrels living off my tax money? You should be bloody shot.

  119. charliemingles Says:

    I’ll have you know I am a highly-paid contractor in project management and am currently waiting for the next company to phone me up so I can state the bleeding obvious for large sums of cash.

    Used to work for the BBC but became demoralised with having my stuff fucked about with. and having my name on a shite radio 4 sitcom.

  120. Mikey Says:

    Any sausage made in England is European!!!! You’ll be complaining about the wonderfully sensible metric system next.

  121. Dave Says:

    Don’t abuse my job to defend your petty arguments, you ape bastard.
    Perhaps if you moved out of your mum’s basement and got your own place you’d understand a certain few things.

  122. Mikey Says:

    We are all Europeans!!!

  123. charliemingles Says:

    cant move out. where would I put the bodies. and my enormnous sci-fi collection. and my giant effigy of buffy made entirely of kit kat wrappers?

    you obviously havent thought this through. they were right about you. racist.

  124. charliemingles Says:

    nice to see a few insults gets people through the doors though ….

    Swinehead, In doing your job for you, you work-shy bastard.

  125. Dave Says:

    Nope. I’m still right, aren’t I?

  126. Mikey Says:

    To all the non resident/citizens of Europe readers of this blog.
    You are not Europeans.

  127. charliemingles Says:

    is dave always this touchy? is that perhaps a side-effect of the ol’ racism?

    poor bastard. is there some sort of fund. or an ointment even?

    Think of the children.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles, am I to translate ‘doing your job’ as ‘yabbering on because you can’t be arsed to work’?

    I’m guessing so.

  129. charliemingles Says:

    yes, swinehead. thats correct.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not a bloody European. And they can keep their fucking hands off of our sausages, the EEC swine.

  131. Dave Says:

    The next time my mum makes me a Yorkshire pudding I’m going to beat her to death with a wad of EEC bureaucracy on account she lives in Dumfries. The fucking bitch.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    I blame Ted Heath. It was supposed to be a common market, not an excuse to trample over our cucumbers with their jackboots. You’d think the bloody French won the war, the way they carry on.

  133. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon you are a European!!! Dave is too. Now kiss each other manfully on the cheek. Swines and Charliemingles you do the same! And do not forget the garlic my European comrades.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    You might be a European, Mikey, but I’m bloody well not! Unlike you, you stinking Judas, I don’t trudge along doing the bidding of a bunch of interfering busybodies from Belgium. I’m British, thanks very much. I’ll eat my sausages anyway I please … and if the French or the Germans disagree with how I’m eating ’em, they can damn well try taking a third pop at our bloody island, the Nazi bastards.

    European, indeed. Stick it up your arse, you EEC-loving traitor.

  135. charliemingles Says:

    I notice this ‘Mikey’ character has a monocle.

    Aha! Despite the attempt at a western nickname , it appears we have a german nationalist swine in our midst. a fourth columnist, if you pardon the terrible wordplay.

  136. Mikey Says:

    That’s an English monocle..Bertie Wooster style. I am as English as the Royal Family.

  137. charliemingles Says:

    oops. apologies old boy.

    But hold on- werent those upper-crust types pretty much always nazis anyway. napoleon knows about that sort of stuff. I believe its all in his shite new concept album 1944.

    I hear tell the lyrics arent up to much and he in fact sidelined a far more talented young librettist in favour of his own shite, but im no andrew collins so cant confirm the veracity of such reports.

  138. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Napoleon’ – such a very British name, ain’t it?

    What continent are you currently on then, Napoleon?

  139. charliemingles Says:

    Exactly. Its all part of his double-bluff, the cheese-munching surrender monkey ( no offence, mum)

  140. charliemingles Says:

    his silence speaks volumes. and think, in the fine british tradition we should pronounce him guilty as charged. it was good enough for the guilford three and the tamworth two.

  141. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon obviously un British.
    Swineshead obviously anglicised for Schweinhund.
    Charliemingles obviously Vietcong.
    And Dave…well we all know about Dave!

  142. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon whateverthefuck … you shall be taken from here .. to another place …and then someplace else ( why not start from there it’d be so much easier?) another place ( oh, for fucks sake) and whence onto a place of execution .. where you shall be hung by the neck until you be dead …has the prisoner anything to say …??

  143. charliemingles Says:

    ……… unfortunately, I’ve just heard on the music press grapevine that his recent death has meant that sales of that shite new album 1944 have soared into the millions.

    damn. the wholethings backfired terribley. how ironic.

  144. Napoleon Says:

    Silence, be-damned! I was at the off-licence, you cheeky bastard. Anyway, Napoleon’s not my real name – it’s a friggin’ character from my blog I couldn’t work out how to get shot of. I’m as British as brown bread, I am, so up yours.

    And you can fuck off and all, Swineshead. I’ll have you know I’m a Britisher standing on the island of Great Britain, not on some stinking continent. Europe’s over there – sharpening its jackboots and planning what next to do with our sausages. The swines.

    You people are traitors, and you make me sick.

  145. charliemingles Says:

    a posthumous second album seems appropriate to immediately cash in on your recent death and resurrection, elvis/jesus/jacko style.

    shame youre french though. but theres no amount of money can cure that sort of thing.

  146. Napoleon Says:

    How bloody dare you! French?? I’m no more French than I am Japanese, you slack-minded shitbag. I’ve never been more insulted in my life – not even when my father called me a mistake to my damned face.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    That’s neither here nor there. Swineshead’s just told me Sainsbury’s has stopped stocking scotch eggs down his way. Is this the case across London? If so, it’s a national bloody scandal.

  148. charliemingles Says:

    I know. it is a tad harsh. cunt. paedophile. we ve all been called all sorts of things over the years, but ‘french’? I apologies unreservedly sir and withdraw the slur.

  149. charliemingles Says:

    well, Im in edinburgh and were still swamped with scotch eggs as usual, so feel free to hop on the train and stock up. Id wait as few weeks though. the place is heaving with student productions of crapps last tape and big titted student girlies doing oh what a lovely war in leotards. surprisingly not as entertaining as youd think.

  150. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon, if that guy who writes the sweary words for The Thick Of It ever dies or gets involved in a paedophile scandal like his cohort, you could make a fine living writing insults for the nest series.

    ‘slack-minded shitbag’, marvelous sir.

    My particular favourite from the thick of it is peter capaldi calling somebody a ‘huge gay shite’

  151. charliemingles Says:

    Oh dear. the mingles triplets are talking amongst themselves again. thats how all the bother started last time. dont put me back in the hole please mother ……..aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh……….the .. humanity ..

  152. charliemingles Says:

    ah! one more comment and I should wipe that french bastards face off the ‘recent comments’ section and leave instead a glorious Quad of Mingles.

    Small sweet delicious scottish victory.

    that should do it …

  153. Dave Says:

    Get a job.

  154. Napoleon Says:

    No you don’t, you Scotch devil. Again I find m’self defending civilisation against the red-arsed hoards north of the border. Your screeching rabble of two-foot tall apemen are a constant thorn in my bloody side, Mingles.

  155. charliemingles Says:


    Far be it from me to expose the enigmatic anonymity of the popular Charlie Mingles brand, but please be aware that Charlie is not a real person but is in fact merely a cheeky but gifted teenage chimp avatar created by the author for the purposes of expressing his childish side.

    The author has not lived with his parents since the 1980’s. (Though the part about the Buffy sculpture made entirely of sweet wrappers is true. Some American twat paid me $3000 for it.)

  156. charliemingles Says:

    and youve ruined my perfect quintuplet of mingles. was going to sell that. why do you have to spoil everything.

  157. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say it’s more for expressing your annoying side, Charlie. You’ve quickly established yourself as this site’s biggest pain in the arse.

    Dave must be pleased.

  158. charliemingles Says:

    order is …

  159. charliemingles Says:

    … restored!

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck this. I’m off to make some burgers. Enjoy talking to yourself, Charlie.

  161. charliemingles Says:

    apologies sir. too much coffee. hangover and a deadline to avoid. you know the score im sure.

  162. Dave Says:

    Shouldn’t you sods have mortgages and kids instead of this lark then?

  163. charliemingles Says:

    no comment

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