Celebrity Wife Swap

by

Watching 80’s ‘Soul Superstar’ Alexander O’Neal and Wine Critic Jilly Goolden wandering around Sainsbury’s together, I thought maybe I’d had a stroke and was imagining the whole thing. But, it turns out this was just the latest instalment of Channel 4’s Celebrity Wife Swap.

This is the sort of thing that TV still does really well. Small domestic conflicts and deliberately-engineered personality clashes between D-list celebrities. I rubbed my hands together and punched the air triumphantly. I really should get out more.

Jilly Goolden is one of those completely unflappable, indestructible women who built the Empire in-between making lunch, while their husbands were in the study dreaming of Nanny and re-enacting The Battle of the Somme with tin soldiers. As she arrived at Alexander’s stylish little flat in Central London, she looked completely unphased by the whole event. And when Alexander arrived, they got on like a house on fire. And Alexander had a weird limp.

The programme makers must have been panicking. ‘Damn! On paper, they’re supposed to hate each other! Posh bossy old bird, unreconstructed old man used to getting his own way.’ Still, they must have hoped for better from their other-halves.

Jilly and her husband Paul live in a huge country mansion and as Alexander’s blonde servile American wife Cynthia stepped into the giant entrance hall, you could almost see her cowering down and looking for the dusters. She appeared to go from blousy blonde rock chic to Mrs. Overall in a matter of seconds. And she too had this weird limp.

Americans love all that posh English bollocks anyway. But bearing in mind she describes herself as Alexander’s ‘Valet Wife’, I was looking forward to some enjoyable scenes of domestic exploitation. Not conflict necessarily. But I was hoping Paul would at least have talked her into dressing up as Nazi Helga from ‘Allo ‘Allo and made her feed him rusks as he lay in a giant pram. You know – the usual upper-class toff shit. But no. They got on well too.

Jilly’s husband was very much the gentleman. Treating Cynthia with respect, making her delicious meals, serving her lovely wine and apart for being a thoroughly nice chap, my only other thought was how much he reminded me of Basil Brush. Most things put me in mind of Basil Brush these days. He really was the consumate host. If only he’d been married – what an episode that would make.

By this point, the programme makers must have been tearing their hair out and considering a last minute change to the format. ‘How about we stick in Jade Goody and Dr Raj Persaud and see if that livens things up?’

Back with the O’Neal’s and as he arrived at that evening’s gig, I got the distinct impression Alexander was feeling a little obliged to lay on the ‘Superstar’ tantrums for the viewers. Also, when your career’s being filmed for the telly, I suppose it’s better to pretend you’re pretty pissed off about changing in a cleaning cupboard, rather than just admitting it’s business as usual.

‘Can you move the mop and bucket, please? Mr O’Neal usually puts his Mojo in that corner’

Poor guy. You had to feel for him.

Meanwhile, Cynthia decided to loosen Paul’s stiff-upper-lip by taking him lingerie shopping and then, Lord help us, clubbing.

Unfortunately for all concerned, this didn’t involve flying out to The North Pole and swinging a pickaxe into the softly-boiled skulls of baby seals. It was much crueller than that. She took him to a discotheque which played popular music.

Luckily, the cameras glossed over this in the same way you try not to leer at a terrible car crash, hoping instead to catch it in the wing-mirror as you go by.

This uncharacteristic reserve on the part of the programme-makers was probably as much to do with Cynthia’s stange limp as Paul’s ‘Oh dear, I appear to have snagged my bottom on something’ dancing.

Alexander still had exactly the same limp (did I mention that?) by the end and I got the distinct feeling that, if they’d taken the whole concept to its logical concusion, both Jilly and Paul would also have had one by the end of the week.

Luckily, peaceful thoughts of Mr Roy reading Basil a teatime story washed this dreadful image from my mind.

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92 Responses to “Celebrity Wife Swap”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    They’re really stretching the definition of ‘celebrity’ these days, aren’t they?
    What happened to the real celebrities?

    Imagine Celeb Wife Swap where Georgie Best moves in with Fanny fucking Craddock! My word, there’d be fireworks on that one! How about a partnering of Jeanette Krankie and Gary Glitter? What a fucking mess. And as a third episode in this imaginary mini-series, we’d stick Mary Whitehouse in a bungalow with Keith Moon and watch the sparks fly.

    As it is we’re stuck with a singing has-been and a woman who had a two minute slot on an archived and barely remembered TV show in the 80s.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    The Gary Glitter one sounds a laff.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Morning Napoleon – have a good evening? What was for tea?

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Good morning. I had a rotten evening, as it ‘appens. I watched a television programme and a film I really did not want to see. My tea was some chicken ‘n’ pasta arrangement I forget the proper name of – alibaba or something. And y’self?

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – but you’re forgetting the TV programme you DID want to see, aren’t you? Be grateful for that.

    I worked on a jingle I didn’t really want to make and made some notes. I also ate a massive curry and watched a blind man get bullied on Big Brother – which is a really original show Channel 4 put out.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    I too made some notes, and wrote a song about Porsche’s dogged insistance on mounting its engine at the rear of its vehicles. I missed Big Brother – as I have for the last eight years.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Another unaccompanied song, is it? Acapella like a one man Flying Picket?

    You need to get your head round learning an instrument.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t be arsed. What I need is some young buck with a cutting-edge instrument such as a banjo or a eukelele to accompany my rise to the top.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I own a ukulele and have taught myself the basics. I’m not particularly young, however.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    You’re younger than I am, so qualify for ‘young buck’ status in my book. We could be the next Simon ‘n’ Garfunkel, you and I … only with a singer with a very limited and slightyl cancerous-sounding vocal range.

    On a seperate subject: Am I the only one that doesn’t get Levi Roots’s Reggae Reggae Sauce? It’s just barbecue sauce with chilli in it – what’s so bloody special about that, eh?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve never sampled it. Every time I’ve had jerk sauce it’s ripped a hole in my tastebuds. Horrible stuff.

    Nice to see an upturn in the blog stats – we were down to 300 readers on Monday, no doubt because everyone was missing yours truly.

  12. Who Says:

    I dozed off halfway through and woke up to see Big Al slumped in bed, eating pizza. I thought I’d leant on the remote and re-tuned to Celebrity Supersize Half Ton Hospital.

    Is that a real programme yet, or did I just make that up?

  13. Swineshead Says:

    It’s more than likely round the corner in the Autumn schedules, Who. Along with ‘How Big Are My Dog’s Teeth?’ and ‘Britain’s Biggest Penis Extension’.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    And ‘Help! My Fat Wife Can’t Shit!’

  15. charliemingles Says:

    what made it enjoyable for me was that they were all quite decent likeable people and were refusing to play the lazy game the tv idiots had engineered. except alexander, but he’s still quite a likeable guy.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    P’raps they meant to swap with Andrew Neal? I’ve heard he can be quite objectionable in real life.

  17. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon–Mid engined is the optimal point for weight distribution in a car especially a sports car.
    In your song however, I hope you mention the 924 and the 928 which are front engined. No need to mention the dreadful 4×4 that Stuttgart produced.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I focus on the 911 range, Mikey.

  19. Mikey Says:

    You should include the 912’s..I hanker over one of those babes.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    I think the concept would have to be ‘prostitute swap’ for andrew neil to be able to qualify though.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Is that libellous?

  22. piqued Says:

    Porsche’s are driven by men with small winkles, in fact any man who mentions them is hung like a sparrows beak, even thinking about them means you’re threatened by long grain rice.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Is Andrew Neil a prostitute?
    Dianne Abbott is his pimp, n’doubt.

    I’m amazed they can find the time.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I thought Porsches were driven by men with gigantic penises? Isn’t that how it works? You’re telling me those blokes that roar past me in drop-top Carreras and GT3s are lacking in the trouser department?

    Well I’ll be damned!

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – I heartily agree. Men lusting after engines is something I find disturbing.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a difference between lust and admiration for quality engineering, Swineshead.

  27. piqued Says:

    Well, I do lust after certain engines I have to admit, but Porsches attract a certain type of berk. That Richard Hammond likes them, The Hamster. I think my case can be rested right there.

  28. piqued Says:

    Oh, there’s not doubt the Porsche is ‘quality engineering’, it’s just the types that buy them. They look shit too.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    They do look shit. They’re too much like Beetles – one of the most awful cars ever made. It still gets my back up when some bloody student girl buys one of these pieces of shit, fills it full of soft toys and cushions, gives it a fucking name, then bangs on about its ‘personality’. I’d scrap the fucking lot of ’em.

    I’d buy an Aston Martin V8 Vantage if I ‘ad the money. Unfortunately, I can just about afford a fucking Beetle. Gah!

  30. piqued Says:

    NC, I’m agreeing with you so much my piss has gone white and gelatinous, hang on, I appear to be having an orgasm. Gracious

  31. Swineshead Says:

    The Citroen BX is the only car I ever loved*

    *loved = drove the shit out of then wrote off in a ditch.

  32. Clarry Says:

    Sorry to change the subject chaps, but I had to let you know (particularly Dave) that I passed my health and safety test!

    P.S Big Brother is the tops. Rex is awful, why don’t they argue back?

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Well done Clarry – and yes, Rex deserves to be kicked to death. Nice to see Channel 4 promoting a cone-headed blindman-bullying cunt.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – That was your dad’s old car, wasn’t it? If memory serves, it had Citreon’s ludicrous hydropneumatic suspension system that used to cost an arm and a leg to replace. Robbing French buggers.

    And to prove myself a completely sad cunt, I recall the BX was voted What Caravan’s Best Towing Car in about 1989.

  35. piqued Says:

    Is that other blind fellow still there, everytime I’m reminded of him I can’t shake off the image of him being hit by a tomato, obviously he didn’t see it coming and his reaction was funnier than this

  36. Dave Says:

    Congratulations! The thieving bastards won’t be able to grab anymore of your hard earned money…for two years! Good stuff.

  37. piqued Says:

    (try this, then)

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – yes the tomato moment was horribly funny. But he’s since been whacked a few times, obviously without expecting it. It’s a bit tasteless.

    NC – Yep, it was the family car and it was loaned to me, which saw me stud the upholstery with blim holes and fag burns, litter the backseat and generally drive it into disrepair like the ungrateful, ugly little stoned Rodney I was back in the day.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Vandal. I recall your brother treated the AX he used with respect. Now look at the pair of you.

  40. piqued Says:

    I couldn’t find any footage of him being hit by anything SH, but here’s him showing off

  41. Mikey Says:

    Firstly it is Porsch—er , 2 syllables rather than the ubiquitous one syllable pronounciation. Anyone who says Porsche is I agree a twit. (they kept saying the one syllable Porsche in the apprentice).

    The cars are quality engineering with a tremendous sporting pedigree. The 911’s have got out of hand a bit and certainly a long way off the original air cooled models. The 912 is not the fastest machine on the road and ceased production in 1969. It is however in my opinion a lovely motor car engineered on simple but effective principles.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Porche, Porscher, Poosh, call it what you want – they’re still stupid cars, Mikey boy.

    That scotch bonnet moment is representative of the whole series – a moment that has comic potential but completely wastes it in a five minute gasp of tedium.

  43. Mikey Says:

    No don’t call it what you want….it’s a Porsch…er. That’s what it is called.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Firstly, you can say ‘Porsche’ any way you damn-well please. Do you say ‘Pah-ree’ when talking about Paris, or ‘Pra-ha’ when you mention Prague. This nit-picking is what’s landed us with arseholes correcting you when you say ‘Your anus’ for Uranus, or that whole Caribbean debacle. Get over it.

    Secondly, if you’re going to pedantically have a go at people, try getting your grammar right – it’s ‘911s’, not ‘911’s’. You arse.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    I call it ‘wanker’s car’ Mikey. How’d you like that, huh?

    You like that?

    Huh?

    *waves flaccid winky*

  46. Napoleon Says:

    They are a wanker’s car. I’d put ’em in the same league as BMW M5s, Subaru Imprezas and all Ferraris. Wanker’s cars, the lot of ’em.

  47. piqued Says:

    Mikey, who said it wasn’t pronounced ‘Porsh-er’?

  48. piqued Says:

    NC, I don’t mind the odd Ferrari, but I’ll agree with you regarding BMW’s, they are the Daily Mail of cars, I fucking hate them.

    I’ve been hit by 3 cars since I started riding on the road, all of them BMW’s, they’re driven by cunts, pure and simple.

  49. Mikey Says:

    On a macro level then I would be happy to suggest that all cars are a bit stupid. On a micro level, I quite like Porsches. (2 syllable pronounciation).

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I was hit by a Ford Sierra once. Blimey, that didn’t ‘alf hurt.

  51. piqued Says:

    In comparison to motorcycles, Mikey, I’ll agree, cars are shit

  52. Mikey Says:

    I agree about BMW’s.

    That’s how it is pronounced Piqued.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    What about Lamborghinis (or however you spell ’em)

    Please look at this whilst you ponder it…

    http://tinyurl.com/5dy5xe

  54. Dave Says:

    BMWs.

    That was quite empowering for a change.

  55. piqued Says:

    I’ll agree with you back. I’m decent like that

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Motorbikes are too noisy. That is my considered opinion.
    I’m a pedestrian, through and through.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Ha ha! Keep repeating that mantra up to the point your head’s torn from its moorings and is found in a bush, Piqued. Can I have your kidneys?

    A car such as the magnificent Rolls Royce Phantom pisses – PISSES – on any motorbike you care to mention.

  58. Mikey Says:

    I am on my bicycle these days…however should the numbers come up, to go with the 912 I would have a Maserati Merak, Audi R8 and a Fiat 500, not to mention a decent bicycle.

  59. Dave Says:

    The new Batmobile offers the best of both worlds so we needn’t argue on this topic.

    But I prefer cars, I’d kill myself if I went within a metre of one of them monsterously engined death machines.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    A Fiat 500? You want a novelty car? A novelty car that, being a Fiat, will fall apart before you’ve done 5,000 miles? I’ve never actually spoken to someone who wants to buy a glossy handbag plonked on top of a Panda before – hello, Mikey. Or is that Mikette?

  61. piqued Says:

    NC, you’re bang wrong

  62. Mikey Says:

    Yes either an original 500 or the new Abarth version. Ahh yes the Vincent Black Shadow. Fear and loathing………!!!!!!!!

  63. Napoleon Says:

    *looks at Piqued’s picture*

    *looks at this: http://www.lowrideredge.com/features/0501lre_06z+2004_Rolls_Royce_Phantom+Rear_Cabin.jpg *

    *sees piss landing all over Vincent Black Shadow – piss squirted from Phantom’s enormous metal cock*

  64. Mikey Says:

    Yes a ride in one of those (Rolls Royce Phantom) would be very smooth.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Very smooth, Mikey. You can watch satellite telly and drink decantered scotch in the back without spilling a drop. It’s like a living room back there. Not so the Black Shadow. On the back of one of those you can do nothing except wait for the inevitable spinal injury.

  66. Mikey Says:

    You could live in it!. I take it the TV would work if you were parked up.

  67. piqued Says:

    re your awful pic, the tits on that hussy, if they’re real I’m your maiden aunt, NC

    That Vincent is all real, 100%

  68. Napoleon Says:

    I think they’ve got rid of ‘er nipples. Anyway, that doesn’t stop the Roller pissing all over your bike.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    We’ve gone a bit Top Gear.
    Can we talk about something else?

  70. Napoleon Says:

    How’s about television?

  71. Swineshead Says:

    Ah yes – I’d forgotten about that. What’s your planned viewing for tonight then?

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Olympics round-up with Gaby Logan, Lost Land of the Jaguar with all them freaky looking insects and part three of House of Saddam.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    You’ll be watching How Clean Is Your House as well, I hope.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    I’m recording it. I think I’ll watch that shite after I’ve had a bath.

  75. Mikey Says:

    Isn’t Gooners v Twente Enschede on tonight?

  76. Swineshead Says:

    It certainly is, Mikey. In the spirit of Arsenal, I shall be watching it with two French people. Disgusting, I know.

  77. charliemingles Says:

    cars and football, thanks fuck I havent missed anything interesting.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    To complete the circle, we should really talk about tits now.

  79. Dave Says:

    Swineshead – Can you a review for The Wire?

  80. Swineshead Says:

    I’m waiting till I’ve got to the end of series 3, Dave. On Friday I’m having a 9 hour Wire marathon – how pathetic is that?

  81. Napoleon Says:

    I tried watching that. Can’t see what all the fuss is about.

  82. Dave Says:

    No spoilers though, eh?

    Work’s let me loose on one-hundred pounds of HMV vouchers, they’re going straight into the first three seasons.

  83. charliemingles Says:

    Im assuming theres an anti-wireist list for talk like that?

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Dave’s allowed to say that sort of thing, but God knows how a racist like him’s going to cope with the Baltimore patois. S’aaaaall in the game… ‘mos def.

    Napoleon – it’s a slow burner, and better for it.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t be arsed with slow burners.

  86. Clarry Says:

    Thanks gang!

    *sobs*

  87. Dave Says:

    SH- There’s a post on my blog with a Comedy Store logo about how you’ve ruined my sense of humour for the better.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    How flagrant is that? You wouldn’t catch me advertising my own stuff on the sacred turf of WWM. You’re a fucking disgrace, Dave.

  89. Dave Says:

    There’s no link to be found for my blog anywhere, you bugger. I only get 16 unique hits a day and I doubt I could improve the situation through desperate advertising.

    30mins left at work!

  90. Napoleon Says:

    16 unique? Impressive. You should take a leaf out of that Sharon’s book when it comes to advertising:

    I agree with you!

    In fact, I cover something similar in my latest post on my own site – Fat,fat,fat,blah,blah,blah. Today I bang on about some fucking thing or other involving the endlessly fascinating subject of losing weight.

    Visit me at fatfatfatblahblahblah.wordpress.com.

    I was so impressed with this technique of dressing up an advert for your own useless blather as a comment, I’ve employed it on several occasions m’self.

  91. Swineshead Says:

    If you’re doing that at all, do it on the Guardian website. Guaranteed hits from bored liberals.

    Dave – I will check that blog out.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    My local news has landed itself a bit of a scoop. Apparently, some teenagers have formed a band after becoming bored in their summer holidays.

    You heard it here second.

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