Archive for August 14th, 2008

Totally Calum Best

August 14, 2008

You know when you’re talking to someone you occasionally take for granted – usually a best friend, parent or a spouse – and you totally, almost wilfully lose track of what they’re saying in order to focus on a flippant thought that’s just occurred to you? If so, you must’ve been through that very casual panic that occurs as your brain gets itself back together and attempts to backtrack to cover up the fact that you’ve lost their drift… I had a new and bastardised experience of that syndrome whilst attempting to force myself to watch this tripe.

My better half and I walked past billboards advertising this rubbish, all of them carrying an image of Calum Best wearing an enormous chastity belt. Obviously we found it nauseating. Despite the sickly feeling, I declared that, fuck it, I was going to watch it and douse myself with what could potentially be the worst TV event of the year. This kamikaze approach to television-viewing grows within me day-by-day and here, yet again, it manifested itself.

So despite all sane protestations from my nearest and dearest I actually set V+ to record Totally Calum Best, and then I allowed it to feed into my eyes and ears like a suicidal sofa-spud.

A little background on Calum Best, then. Despite being the son of fleet-footed soccerball genius and latterday souse, George (God rest his soul), Calum Best is famous for precisely FUCK ALL. His lumpen head appears very often in the tabloids looking gormlessly out at us, the dribble conveniently photoshopped from his fat, orange-tanned jowels, his receding hairline spiked into a questionable wimp’s mohican and his eyes carrying the unmistakeable bruised ring of one too many nights on the snuff, but he’s never done anything of note, so there’s no explanation for any of it.

In addition to the many slabs of Chinawhite fluff he’s taken home with him, no doubt making them suffer a puny ride on his tiddler in order to prove he’s a heterosexual, this brain-dead mong was also amusingly stung by the News of the World while getting his rocks off with a couple of ‘high class hookers’ – tooting gigantic amounts of nose-powder as he went about his business.

So it’s fair to say Calum likes the ladies – and whether it’s because he’s a highly sexed hetero or, as some cynics claim, because he feels the need to prove himself straight, is by the by.

MTV’s high concept response is to commission this shit. Totally Calum Best. The high-concept conceit is that the allegedly highly-sexed Calum Best has to remain celibate for 50 days. The reason for this is unsure. As I absorbed the first five minutes it was never explained why this was happening. And then, beyond those five minutes, everything is a blur. It’s as if the box was trying to communicate with me but my merciful brain stemmed the info-flow and refused to allow the bilge into my lobes.

After ten minutes I found myself in another room, strumming a ukulele I can barely play, with no idea how I got there.

Totally Calum Best is such vapid, empty bollocks that not only can I find nothing to write about it, I also can’t make myself sit and watch it. I feel like I’ve failed.