Totally Calum Best


You know when you’re talking to someone you occasionally take for granted – usually a best friend, parent or a spouse – and you totally, almost wilfully lose track of what they’re saying in order to focus on a flippant thought that’s just occurred to you? If so, you must’ve been through that very casual panic that occurs as your brain gets itself back together and attempts to backtrack to cover up the fact that you’ve lost their drift… I had a new and bastardised experience of that syndrome whilst attempting to force myself to watch this tripe.

My better half and I walked past billboards advertising this rubbish, all of them carrying an image of Calum Best wearing an enormous chastity belt. Obviously we found it nauseating. Despite the sickly feeling, I declared that, fuck it, I was going to watch it and douse myself with what could potentially be the worst TV event of the year. This kamikaze approach to television-viewing grows within me day-by-day and here, yet again, it manifested itself.

So despite all sane protestations from my nearest and dearest I actually set V+ to record Totally Calum Best, and then I allowed it to feed into my eyes and ears like a suicidal sofa-spud.

A little background on Calum Best, then. Despite being the son of fleet-footed soccerball genius and latterday souse, George (God rest his soul), Calum Best is famous for precisely FUCK ALL. His lumpen head appears very often in the tabloids looking gormlessly out at us, the dribble conveniently photoshopped from his fat, orange-tanned jowels, his receding hairline spiked into a questionable wimp’s mohican and his eyes carrying the unmistakeable bruised ring of one too many nights on the snuff, but he’s never done anything of note, so there’s no explanation for any of it.

In addition to the many slabs of Chinawhite fluff he’s taken home with him, no doubt making them suffer a puny ride on his tiddler in order to prove he’s a heterosexual, this brain-dead mong was also amusingly stung by the News of the World while getting his rocks off with a couple of ‘high class hookers’ – tooting gigantic amounts of nose-powder as he went about his business.

So it’s fair to say Calum likes the ladies – and whether it’s because he’s a highly sexed hetero or, as some cynics claim, because he feels the need to prove himself straight, is by the by.

MTV’s high concept response is to commission this shit. Totally Calum Best. The high-concept conceit is that the allegedly highly-sexed Calum Best has to remain celibate for 50 days. The reason for this is unsure. As I absorbed the first five minutes it was never explained why this was happening. And then, beyond those five minutes, everything is a blur. It’s as if the box was trying to communicate with me but my merciful brain stemmed the info-flow and refused to allow the bilge into my lobes.

After ten minutes I found myself in another room, strumming a ukulele I can barely play, with no idea how I got there.

Totally Calum Best is such vapid, empty bollocks that not only can I find nothing to write about it, I also can’t make myself sit and watch it. I feel like I’ve failed.

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199 Responses to “Totally Calum Best”

  1. charliemingles Says:

    my sincere condolences sir. the sacrifices you make for your art. theres not even enough to fill that 2min clip at the top never mind a whole series.

    You can see why multi-millionaiire’s like Duncan Bannatyne and Bill gates are planning to leave all their money to charity rather than create more of these empty brats.

  2. charliemingles Says:

    would have much preferred a clip of you playing the ukulele.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    This has to be one of the most infuriating aspects of lving in this bloody country nowadays. We’ve been unfortunate to be born at just the right time to see the offspring of the great and the good grow up and take their unearned places in the spotlight. Rod Stewart’s daughter, Bob Geldof and that idiot Paula Yates’s mentally retarded brood, the fuckwitted Lilly Allen, and of course this arsehole. Pointless, talentless shitwits the lot of ’em – can’t they all be rounded up and gassed?

    The only decent offspring of famous parents I can think of are the Dimbleby brothers and the towering Dan Snow. I can’t see any of them staggering out of a club at three in the morning with their knickers round their ankles, or marrying some wantwit they met a month ago.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    One that amazes me is the offspring of the DRUMMER out of Supergrass and the singer of forgetten Britpop disappointment, Powder. Not even her parents were famous, yet she’s in the gossip columns. Beyond bizarre.

    I wouldn’t mind if they actually had a trade or a talent. But they don’t.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Charlie M – I’m a modest man, but even I reckon 25 minutes of me playing the uke, badly, would be better programming than Totally Calum Best.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just remembered Bonzo’s boy and George Harrison’s son, both of whom have kept their heads down and got on with the job. It seems you can be the son or daughter of the famous and not be a hated twit if you shut up and let your talents speak for themselves (something Pompadour La Froumadeer Geldof and her sisters cannot obviously do).

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Bonzo’s boy? Who?

  8. charliemingles Says:

    A maxim bob geldof needs tatooed on his forehead:

    Before saving the world, first do the dishes.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry – Jason Bonham, son of John, the drummer from Led Zeppelin.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway, if you think this shower’s bad, wait until Romeo Beckham and Michael Jackson’s kids grow up.

    Actually, we could be heading for a new phenomenon at around the same time that lot are pissing ’emselves in nightclubs – the grandchildren of the rich and famous grabbing hold of the limelight. ‘Romeo Beckham marries Peaches Geldof’s daughter Flowerpot in secret Vegas ceremony’. Wuuurrggghh.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I thought you meant Stanshall had sired offspring before he tragically burned to death. Poor sod.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Haven’t you heard? Peaches already got married (in Vegas to keep it quiet before returning to the UK and telling any fucker who’d listen).


  13. Badger Madge Says:

    I refuse to talk about any of The Offspring on the grounds that it only serves to give them more publicity that they so crave.

    Nice weather today, eh?

  14. Napoleon Says:

    He probably didn’t even notice he was so fucked. Very sad.

    Apparently, according to this morning’s Wright Stuff, James Blunt’s po-faced music is the number one choice to have played at your funeral. I don’t know about you, but I think Elton’s windy candle song is more appropriate.

  15. piqued Says:

    You’re a brave man SH.

    The posters alone regularly forced me to stop dead stock still before I started to whimper, claw at the sky and scream ‘Jesus fuck, noooooooooooooo’ at passing strangers imploring them, nay, begging them to make sense of this fuck.

    Callum Best represents everything that is wrong with the world. Whilst I hate him with every bone in my body, I reserve my hellish disgust and revulsion at the fucking public school cunts that point a camera at this vacuous oxygen thief.

    Having said that, if the show were called ‘Torture Calum Best’ I’d be fucking well advertising it off my own back.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – I don’t know if you were reading yesterday’s comments, but if you weren’t I’ll fill you in (WILL YOU STOP SNIGGERING BACK THERE, WATKISS!). Apparently, according to my local news, some teenagers have formed a band to stave off summer holiday boredom.

    You couldn’t make it up.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Funeral songs – that’s a whole other topic in itself. I’d probably go for Phil Spector’s miserable reconstruction of Zippa Dee Doo Dah.

    You’re right, Piqued, I’m very brave – so brave that my brain went on auto-pilot and fucked off out of the danger zone

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I’d have Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ just to piss everyone off.

  19. Who Says:

    I still refuse to believe that Michael Jackson’s kids ARE real – aren’t they fashioned from all the lumps of bleached genetically modified plastic that they swept up off the floor during MJ’s various operations?

    As for Calum Best, he’s just an vile ugly wanker in a dirty vest.

    Phew, bit vitriolic today – sorry about that.

  20. piqued Says:

    I’m now angry because he’s now in my head.

    Oh How I hate thee, let me count the fucking ways…


  21. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I imagine they’re good at running, those kids.

  22. Badger Madge Says:

    Napoleon – no, this is a Very Good Thing(TM). GMTV today were ‘debating’ the merits of enforcing a curfew on under 16s, so anything to keep the little fuckers off the streets is only good as far as I’m concerned…

  23. Mikey Says:

    I have mentioned this before. A “celebrity” is only such, if they appear on TV. TV makes them a celebrity, it is self perpetuating.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – A ‘celebrity’ is someone who is celebrated for their outstanding achievements in any given field (usually leading to widespread public recognition). That’s why it gets up a lot of people’s noses when idiots like this Best fella are called ‘celebrities’ because they are not.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – you’re talking about fame – it’s not the same thing.

  26. Mikey Says:

    Not in today’s society. Celebrity means someone on TV. Name me a modern celebrity who does NOT appear on TV.
    (We are actually agreeing).

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Exactly, Swineshead. You can be famous for doing fuck all. The word celebrity has been devalued through misuse. Actual celebrities (in the true sense of the word) are people such as Muslim’s friend Richard Dawkins, or the mighty Daley Thompson (THE greatest ever Olympian).

  28. Napoleon Says:

    A modern celebrity who does not appear on TV? How’s about Dean R Koontz? Not my cup of tea, but a celebrity nonetheless.

  29. Mikey Says:

    “You can be famous for doing fuck all”

    Exactly, but you are on TV. A lot of people do “fuck all” but are not celebrities because they are not on TV.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Many, many writers, in fact.

    TV doesn’t = celebrity. If it does, then Big Brother contestants are credible wits rather than the dregs of televised society.

    We’re not agreeing.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey- you’re having a problem with the definition of ‘celebrity’. Look it up.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Your argument is bullshit. I’ve been on the TV – does that mean I’m a celebrity. What about musicians? Eric Clapton fits into the mould of a celebrity who does not appear on TV for instance, and televised concerts don’t count. You’re mixing being famous with being a celebrity. Try looking the word up.

  33. Mikey Says:

    I could say the same you are mixing famous with being a celebrity.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but you would be wrong. Just because ITV has decided to redefine the word for its own purposes doesn’t mean we all have to join in. Have you looked up ‘celebrity’? You’ll find you’re the one mixing it up with being famous (the ‘celeb-‘ prefix is a clue here).

  35. Mikey Says:

    Concise Oxford Dictionary:
    Celebrity “Being famous; well known person”.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Mikey. And a ‘well-known person’ applies to anyone from Sven Hessel to John Paul Jones. Your definition does not read ‘Anyone who’s well known after appearing on TV’.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the concise dictionary, I notice. The ‘celeb’ part of celebrity sort of gives away the fact that the root of the word refers to being celebrated. For outstanding work. Not for having unwittingly starred in a sex video.

    I used to know Abi Titmuss – doesn’t mean I was friendly with a celebrity, it means I know someone who’s on record for giving John Leslie a rubbish blow job.

  38. Mikey Says:

    But that is what it has become. A celebrity today is someone who has appeared on TV and has entered in the public conciousness. Not because they have achieved anything of “celebration”. It is self perpetuating. It’s a conveyor belt.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I too knew Abigail, and can’t think of anything in her life worth celebrating. Even her tits are fake, and that amateur porno she made was appalling.

    A prime example of a famous person, not a celebrity.

  40. Swineshead Says:


    Yes Mikey, but it’s a bastardisation and misuse of the word. It’s not evolution of language – it’s a bunch of fucking idiots misusing a word, alright?

  41. charliemingles Says:

    you cant just toss into the pile that you used to know abi titmuss and expect to get away with it. how did you manage to get away without having your cock sucked off. that was a close shave.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Abigail used to hang about with us lads at a rural train station. She was quite quiet, I recall. This was around the same time as Napoleon sold me my first porno mag – a spectacular vintage of Club International, it was a steal at a quid.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Charlie – I was about 12. My cock wouldn’t have known what was going on if Abi had shoved it, Leslie style, into her gaping cakehole.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Have you bothered reading anything anyone’s said? You keep describing a famous person, not a celebrity. Just because lazy journalists and television programme makers hijack a word, it doesn’t mean they’ve changed its meaning. Even the definition you posted proves you wrong.

    *bangs head against brick wall*

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – I went out with her. Her tits weren’t anything like they are now – we used to call her ‘Abigail Titless’.

  46. Mikey Says:

    Well I think we are all agreeing that the word has been hijacked for TV’s purposes.

  47. charliemingles Says:

    oh, right …

    *pops penis reluctantly back into trousers*

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – We’re not all agreeing because that’s not what you originally said.

  49. Mikey Says:

    Famous applies to many things. A famous meal, a famous landamrk. Celebrity as opposed to celebrated can only apply to people.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – That means precisely fuck all, but thanks for playing.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    *has just added Titmuss as a friend in facebook*

    *wonders if she might add something to the debate if asked*

  52. Napoleon Says:

    I doubt it. She’s way above us nowadays … if only I’d had a vagina and a willingness to use it, I too could now be a millionaire. Gah!

  53. piqued Says:

    I’m sure she’ll be delighted she was known as Abi Titless as a child

  54. Mikey Says:

    Original statement:
    I have mentioned this before. A “celebrity” is only such, if they appear on TV. TV makes them a celebrity, it is self perpetuating.

    Clarified and fine tuned: Celebrities in todays modern society are for the most part persons who have appeared on TV. Not because they have done anything of consequence.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – you’re now back to square one. For fuck’s sake.

    THEY ARE NOT CELEBRITIES. If I call a cloud a hat, it doesn’t become a hat.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Nope, still not getting it are you? There are, in fact, more celebrities out there who have not appeared on TV than have. The world of science alone contains hundreds, maybe thousands, of them. Music and writing too. Want a list? Or are you going to finally admit that your definition of celebrity is a big pile of shit, and your persistance is making you look like a fucking imbecile?

    Piqued – Nobody called her ‘Abi’. It was ‘Abigail Titless’.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    surely youre both right and indeed wrong. the nature of language is to evolve and words, being organic organisms, often change their meaning through time.

    now, can we pleeeez get back to the imprtant subject of abi titmuss

    *pulls out cock again enthusiastically*

  58. Mikey Says:

    I want a list!

  59. Mikey Says:

    BTW: has anybody checked out Dave’s RSS feed?

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – Right you are. So if the papers, ITV and Channel Four start reffering to ‘our banana culture’, if we see ‘Banana Wife Swap’, ‘I’m a Banana – Get Me Out Of Here’ and ‘Banana Big Brother’, you’ll stop thinking of a banana as a long yellow thing you eat?

  61. charliemingles Says:

    thats quite correct napoleon. glad youve grasped the concept so quickly.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    You can’t back it up with the old evolution of language argument. If something’s wrong, it’s wrong.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – By all means …

    Gerhard Ertl – Chemist
    Michael Connelly – Crime novelist
    Richard Wright – Musician
    Eric S. Maskin – Economist

    Etc. etc. etc.

  64. Mikey Says:

    Charlies correct.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    I’m a Banana, Get Me Out of Here actually sounds quite watchable, I ought to add.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – No, Charlie’s not correct. Like you, he’s an idiot.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’d watch it. Indeed, looking at a pile of bananas trapped in a jungle sounds more fun than watching a football player’s son having an argument with someone who got to number eight in the charts in 1974.

  68. charliemingles Says:

    hold on. i was just trying to get back to the important and pressing subject of titmuss. i dont give a fuck about the evolution of language ( I mentioned dante once and there was hell to pay. I wont be making that mistake again)

    * reluctantly pops member back into trousers of bellhop costume*

  69. Swineshead Says:

    Didn’t Abigail and Calum Best do sexy things together at some point?
    I remember this formed the central thread in I’m Not a Celebrity, How Did I Get On This Love Island With Paul Danan?

  70. Mikey Says:

    Yes but if you were to ask a member of the public, which one of these is a celebrity.
    1). Abi Titmus
    2). Gerhard Ertl.

    Would they say both? I do not think so. You would describe them as reknowned in their field as are most scientists and writers of note. I could name writers and scientists who mean something to me, but perhaps not to you. That does not make them celebrities.

    What does make a celebrity in todays’ vacuous culture is the fact that you appear on TV, ie Calum Best.

    Now stop beating me up.

  71. charliemingles Says:

    and dont lump with in with that idiot napoleon. ive read Dante, you know.


  72. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t watch that Love Island thing. I find it hard to watch Abigail in anything as it trudges up memories of what could have been. If I’d stuck to my guns and not got Mark Manders to chuck her for me, I could have been with that girl right up to the point she left me for the rapist John Leslie. I missed a trick there.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Yes but if you were to ask a member of the public</i?

    I wouldn’t go talking to that lot, Mikey, they’re all idiots who believe everything ITV tells ’em.

    We’re culturally superior on ‘ere, remember.


  74. Swineshead Says:

    *misused html there*

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Abigail is famous for getting her boobs out in men’s magazines, Herr Ertl is a Nobel Prize winning chemist, celebrated in his field. He is the celebrity (celebrity, celebrated – get it?), not Ms. Titless. Just because Heat magazine hasn’t photographed Gerhard Ertl throwing a tantrum in The Ivy doesn’t mean he’s not a celebrity.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Thought you were being smart there, eh?

  77. Mikey Says:

    The nub of your argument is, celebrity = celebrated in his field or let me refine that: celebrity = celebrated in one’s field.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – I would have written that if I fancied making my last sentence gramatically incorrect, yes. Good to see you’ve finally figured out what celebrity means, mind.

  79. Swineshead Says:

    Manders – he was a character. Wonder what that Eddie Middleton’s up to now. He was a class act.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Steady Eddie? Last I heard, he was some local health authority bigwig in Lincolnshire. Only goes to show – last time I saw him he was throwing up whilst simultaneously falling out of a window.

  81. Mikey Says:

    OK..I am not saying that Clive James is the authority but this kind of what I am rying to say:

    Clive James, the Australian writer, broadcaster and performer, wrote a book on the phenomenon of fame in the 20th century. He contends that true fame was almost unknown before the 20th century, because of lack of global mass media, and the first true media celebrity was Charles Lindbergh, initially because of his aviation feats and later because of the tragic kidnapping and murder of his son.

    James points out that celebrity eventually became distinctly different from fame, resulting in the phenomenon of people who are famous for being famous. He cites Elizabeth Taylor as an early example, whose private life made her more of a celebrity than her film career had. He also contends that fame sometimes backfires on those who seek it by depriving them of their privacy for life, a point illustrated by the rise of the paparazzi and their fanatic desire for pictures and personal stories about celebrities.

    He argues that achieving great fame requires frequently reinventing yourself, as exhibited by Madonna and Michael Jackson.

    The whole concept of ‘celebrity’ and the obsessive interest caused by certain media publications such as ‘chat mags’ and daily paper gossip columnists, has reduced the notion of celebrity to being anyone who has been on the television, or involved in a third rate reality TV program.

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Notice ‘celebrity’ is in inverted commas when he mentions what it’s been reduced to, Mikey. He’s saying exactly what we said, which is common knowledge.

  83. Mikey Says:

    And that’s what I am saying. So we are all agreed.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    As for Steady Eddie, I hope his name is still scrawled all over every square metre of that infernal school I attended. The boy was an outlaw.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    That’s not what you were saying, Mikey. You posted a statement of fact that to be a celebrity, one needs to appear on TV. We haven’t agreed since you started this fucking argument.

  86. paul ( the artist formerly known as charlie mingles) Says:

    hello from the drab world on reality ….

  87. Mikey Says:

    In the modern world that is what it has become.
    Now please leave me alone! I obviously need to be put up a stream as you guys just cannot keep up!

  88. Napoleon Says:

    The boy was an arsehole. No panache, just brute force in his misdemeanours. And it was a pain in the arse being friends with him because every time something was vandalised or stolen, you were accused by association. The amount of fucking times I was dragged into that headmaster’s office thanks to Eddie destroying the local water table or demolishing an ancient monument …

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Shall we move on from this definition thing?

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – In your part of the world, it has. I doubt these celebrities of yours would raise an eyebrow in most parts of the globe, however. I suggest you’re held back a year until you can figure out the difference between colours and shapes.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – That would be nice. My head’s been bruised something chronic after bashing it against Mikey’s wall of idiocy for so long.

  92. Mikey Says:

    Napoleon..I have not mentioned any “celebrities of yours” (mine).
    Do keep up. You have become confused.

  93. Mikey Says:

    The people on our TV in this country are for the most part completely unknown abroad.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – Fuck off. You’ve just spent the last hour proving to the world what a fucking idiot you are. I don’t need to ‘keep up’ with your stupidity, as I was the one that was right from the outset. Confused, indeed. Try writing something other than a cheap shot, you fucking moron.

    And cue the next cruddy ‘keep up’ comment from Mikey – WWM’s intellectual featherweight.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    “In the modern world that is what it has become.”

    “The people on our TV in this country are for the most part completely unknown abroad.”

    I rest my fucking case.

  96. Swineshead Says:


    We’ve moved on. Don’t make me Stalin yo’ azz.

  97. Mikey Says:

    I am going out to pick some blackberries.
    Always got to be a polarised argument eh. Yeah you’re right of course.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    SH -cant these boys just shake hands and be done with it?

    Mikey – I agree with Napoleon. But only because he appears to have access to the titmuss potion I so desire.

    * yet again removes cock from trousers*

  99. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – Me ‘n’ Abigail were an item many many moons ago. Whatever hold I had on the girl disappeared when I dumped her and went out with a psycho called Wendy Lynch instead. You’ll not learn any Titless mojo techniques from me.

    *looks Abigail up to see if she fancies a fumble for old time’s sake*

  100. Clarry Says:

    NC – Did you go all the way with her, or was it just tops and fingers?

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’m not going into what I got up to with the girl – Charlie would have an unfortunate explosion.

  102. Clarry Says:

    Well it’s a bit of a scoop if we’ve got a celeb shagger on WWM, don’tcha think?

  103. Napoleon Says:

    A scoop? Only if I could have been bothered to ring up The Sun when she was big news and piss my integrity up the wall for money. It’s old news now.

  104. Dave Says:

    Is it wrong for me to quite like that Gascoigne girl? It certainly makes me a hypocritical bugger.

    Oh, and this will enrich your minds, I was at the George Best tribute night and he was a drunken fuckwit bastard that didn’t even have the decency to sit down and pay his respects. Not that I would have an opinion on how he should grieve, but sit the sod down.

  105. Clarry Says:

    After she got famous the journos spent a lot of time in Rusko trying to get someone to dish the dirt – don’t think anyone did though. One local girl did a kiss and tell on Spencer from BB3. I bet her small son really appreciated that, imagine the shit he’d get at school.

  106. Swineshead Says:

    I remember Spencer – was he a Lincolnshire lad then? Cripes!

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Did they? They should have tried going after the people who actually spent time in between Abigail’s legs, as opposed to asking around in a village where most of the people were too stupid to qualify to go to the same school as her. We’re all over the country, and I’m sure some form of on-air radio or television appeal would have dragged up one of us up from the gutter to spill the beans.

  108. Clarry Says:

    No he was from Cambs, but the girl in question was local and met him in a hotel somewhere. She was a class act.

  109. Clarry Says:

    “They should have tried going after the people who actually spent time in between Abigail’s legs, as opposed to asking around in a village where most of the people were too stupid to qualify to go to the same school as her. We’re all over the country…..”

    A-HA!! So you DID.

    SH – please make the ‘we’re’ is bright red and in massive.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    There’s plenty of things you can get up to in between the moist thighs of a young lady without going for the Full English Breakfast, Clarry. My lips are sealed.

  111. Dave Says:

    Please don’t say ‘my lips are sealed’ after discussing ‘the moist thighs of a young lady’. Sounds like a pitch for ‘Totally BPPerry’.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that, Dave. The language has taken a turn for the fruity in ‘ere. It’s Clarry’s female lust for gossip I blame. No wonder they don’t rule the world – too busy thinking about who’s cocking what, and what tit’s fitting when. I blame the media.

  113. Swineshead Says:

    Totally BPPerry – is that the show where the fat illustrator tries not to eat a scotch egg for a week?

  114. Clarry Says:

    I know, but given her track record and the known fact that she is a bit of a goer, my money’s on her not being able to resist your silken charms… Even more so if you’re already down there getting up to all manner of filth.

    I think you’ve driven Charlie over the edge now NC.

  115. Clarry Says:

    There’s nowt wrong with a bit of gossip. And boys love it too, whether they realise it or not. Look for Christ’s sake i’m bored out of my tiny mind (D is away) and I need some kind of amusement.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Maybe once, Clarry, but now? With my back?

    And I’m not fat, Swineshead. You’ll be lost in a world of monkey scrubs, chinese burns and dead legs when I see you if you carry on with that.

  117. charliemingles Says:

    miss clarry. I wuv you.

  118. Swineshead Says:

    Boys DO love gossip – see the back page of any national newspaper for proof. The bit that mentions ‘transfer deals’.

  119. Clarry Says:

    *punches air in triumph*

  120. Clarry Says:

    *punches air in triumph at being right, not that CharlieMingles luv me*

    SH – YEAH WOTEVA! Boys love a gossip – even stuff that isn’t about football. I’m starting my own most sexist list. SH is at the top.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    I love tits, guns, cars and tits.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on, I was agreeing with you.
    And nobody pays attention to your lists as they don’t mean potential stalinisation – try making a blog if you want a false sense of power like me, NC, P and the other internet bigwigs.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Dave loves gherkins, bananas, cucumbers, sausages, Calippo ice lollies, hot dogs, carrots and baguettes.

  124. Clarry Says:

    SH – Were you? OK sorry, i’ll take you off the list…

  125. charliemingles Says:

    methinks you doth protesteth too much mith

    no hor-blooded woman can resist the charms of a chimp, I dont care what raquel welsh says

    and Ive got a gun

  126. Clarry Says:

    Should I be frightened?

  127. charliemingles Says:

    Frighttened Miss? Of a gun-tottin’ bellhop–costume wearin’ PG-tips fueled chimp with a gun?

    Not at all. the wuv was purely platonic and the gun isnt loaded

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I hope I’m on that list of yours? I’m reading what you’re writing, but thinking, ‘Whatever, sweetcheeks, now get ’em out and get my fucking dinner on.’

  129. Clarry Says:

    Charlie – Phew!

    Ok NC, for that you can be on the list at #1.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Glad to hear it!

  131. Clarry Says:

    SH – See my lists DO count.

  132. Clarry Says:

    Right, now we’ve got that sorted, any more celeb based gossip?

  133. Swineshead Says:

    They count to NC – therefore they don’t count as NC doesn’t count. He can’t count.

  134. Swineshead Says:

    Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but a friend of my boss’s friend shagged Su Pollard whilst extremely pissed.

  135. Napoleon Says:

    He’s right. I got a ‘U’ in my Maths – ‘U’ for StUpid.

    Speaking of results, it’s nice to see so many attractive young ladies got good grades in their A Levels today. AND they’re street-legal, lads. Lads?


  136. Dave Says:

    a grade A star, shall we say?

  137. Dave Says:

    And I bought Battlestar Galactica instead of The Wire last night. Better.

  138. Swineshead Says:

    BAttlestar Galactica, eh? Did you get the action figures to go with it? You fucking infant.

  139. Dave Says:

    No I played ‘cops and robbers’. Prune.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    Dave proving yet again there that he’s never likely to enjoy the love of a good woman …

    ‘Ere! Did you read that thing where we’re all supposed to move down south so we can enjoy better job prospects? It’s going to get very bloody crowded.

  141. Clarry Says:

    I for one shall never move there. Does that mean I can have Lincolnshire to myself?

  142. Dave Says:

    I’m dressing up as a Cyclon and going to a sci-fi exhibition in Bangor in December.

    Who’ll be getting the pussy then. Eh? Not Swinehead ‘TJ Hooker’, that’s for sure.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    You keep fucking well keep it for all I care, Clarry.

  144. Napoleon Says:

    That was a well-constructed sentence.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    The pussy? Who the hell are you? Huggy Bear?

  146. Swineshead Says:

    I hope that puts Dave at the top of Clarry’s list where he belongs.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Dave probably doesn’t care, Swineshead. He’s too busy getting pussy with his extensive knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The X-Files. He must be dripping in pussy, that boy.

  148. Swineshead Says:

    Hmmm. Weird pussy, I’ll wager.

  149. Clarry Says:

    That is perhaps my all time worst word. Cunt is fine, pussy is just creepy.

  150. Clarry Says:

    Also what’s with ‘getting the pussy’? That’s even worse. Dave ‘the pimp’ shall head the list from now on.

  151. charliemingles Says:

    I keep a pet cunt. it sleeps in a basket and plays with balls of wool.

  152. Dave Says:

    Weeping Pussy, is either the subject for a cute image on one of the black and white birthday cards with the witicisms at the bottom, or the creepy picture a creepy guy would keep in his knicker drawer.

  153. Clarry Says:

    See that just conjures horrific images in my mind….

  154. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s not bothered about your list, Clarry. He’s a pussy hunter. He’d probably be interested in what you had to say if you let him get a sweet slice o’ that pussy he craves. The pussy hound.

  155. piqued Says:

    NC, you’re moving down south aren’t you?

  156. Swineshead Says:

    Are we talking about Dave? Dave the pussymeister?
    Just plain ol’ Puss to his pals down at the Pussy Club.

  157. piqued Says:

    I prefer old dogs

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – When we can be arsed, yes. Thing is, up north there’s some prime pussy. I don’t know what the pussy’s like down your way. Is it finger lickin’ good pussy that’s worth moving down for?

  159. piqued Says:

    It is sir, it is. Great for old dogs too

  160. Napoleon Says:

    I hope so. I’d hate to find m’self down south starved of good pussy.

  161. Swineshead Says:

    Liquor, pussy and old dogs are what I’m all about. Fine, rootin’-tootin’ pussy, principally. Especially if it’s in a dalek outfit.

  162. Napoleon Says:

    That sounds like some sweet smokin’ pussy, Swineshead.

    Back in a bit – just off out to get some pussy.

  163. Swineshead Says:

    *returns from Pussy break*

    Any pussy been about while I was away?

  164. Mikey Says:

    Who says we English talk funny to foreigners?

  165. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a backlog of pussy here. I made the mistake of buying a ‘limited edition special collector’s platinum box set’ of series three of Babylon 5. Since then, I’m drowning in pussy.

  166. Dave Says:

    I’ll call it ‘that trench off of the Deathstar’ from now on then. Paint my Friar Tuck in the likeness of an X-wing and recreate the classic scene we know and love.

  167. Napoleon Says:

    What was that, Dave? I’ve got me ‘ead wedged up a pussy and I’m having trouble hearing you.

  168. Dave Says:

    What word would you prefer I used then in that situation? They’re all pretty horrible words.

  169. Swineshead Says:


  170. charliemingles Says:

    I find ‘poontang’ works best in romantic situations. its certainly the term I used when I proposed to my lovely wife by moonlight.

  171. Dave Says:

    the frontal bottom?

  172. Napoleon Says:

    How’s about ‘clab’? No woman can resist the line, ‘Once aye’ve done oilin’ yer flab, I’ll take ma bone-hammer tae yer clab.’

    I think that was Rabbie Burns.

  173. charliemingles Says:

    up here in bonny scotia we use the term’ hoachin’ with fanny’ to describe the festival streets at this time of the year

  174. piqued Says:

    Just seen Mikey’s link, Christ almighty, I’ve cringed my neck into my chest

  175. Napoleon Says:

    No doubt your mob stares in awe when it sees a woman who’s not only above four feet, but also has all her own teeth past the age of eight, Charlie. On my visits to Scotchland, the local pussy can best be described as ‘extras from the movie Legend’.

  176. Who Says:

    Napoleon, I think you’ll find that was the prolific pussy hunter of all Scotchland, John Barrowman. Easy to get him muddled up with Rabbie Burns.

  177. piqued Says:

    I don’t think Barrowman is interested in mimsy Who…

  178. Dave Says:

    ‘Mimsy Who’ is that the good Doctor’s pet name?


  179. Napoleon Says:

    I believe he only has those manly charms of his because he escaped from Scotchland before the traditional childhood menu of deep fried pickled onions washed down Tenant’s Super Strength stunted his growth, Who.

    As for being a pussy hunter? I thought he got his jollies sliding up and down the testosterpole?

    (Not that there’s anything wrong with that nowadays – don’t add me to some fresh bloody list.)

  180. charliemingles Says:

    thats true. luckily for all concerned, thanks to an influx of polish, spanish and australians to run the place and posh english sorts at the university – Im the only scottish person left in the city, so the minge selection is marvelous.

  181. Who Says:

    Wha? He’s a….. well, surely not. He’s never mentioned it on one of his thousand million appearances on my fookin’ telly.

    I think the list has been merged into one big spreadsheet of damnation these days, hasn’t it? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m not anti-listist…

  182. charliemingles Says:

    thats the way boys. Keep sending all your posh english women up here to get shagged properly. cheers

  183. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – I must say that the last time I was in Edinburgh the only genuine Scotchman I met was in a museum.

    Who – I’m afraid to burst your bubble there. You could be waving that pussy of yours in Barrowman’s face until it fell off. He’d turn his nose up at it like a cat who’s been given Whiskas when he wants Felix.


  184. Dave Says:

    I make one, frankly, superb quip (not quim) about science-fiction conventions and my little Yoda’s quest to deter from the darkside and just look at the bigotry I’ve unearthed.

    I’m a public service really.

  185. charliemingles Says:

    like a lot of posh southerners napoleon, you were obviously hanging around the wanky media bars that spring up around this time of year.

  186. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon’s not a southerner, I don’t reckon. I’m a midlander… take your scots pride [inferiority complex] elsewhere if you’re going to talk like that. It’s fucking DULL.

    If I’m not mistaken, this chimp is face-raping a toad.

  187. charliemingles Says:

    he started it dad. he said we were all short-arses. I never heard you compaining then – you racist.

  188. Swineshead Says:

    The Scots aren’t a different race to the English, they’re a different species (or so my biology teacher taught me)

  189. charliemingles Says:

    I dont really understand the toad reference. it just seems to be a lot of dull young women talking shite.

  190. Dave Says:

    They’re remaking the Rocky Horror Show without Richard O’Brien’s bloody blessing. What’s the world coming to?

  191. Swineshead Says:

    Link please, Dave…

    The chimp is putting its winky in a toad, from what I can see.

  192. Dave Says:

    Used to know it off by heart. Probably still do.

  193. charliemingles Says:

    I say potato. you say potato. I see young women in bikinis. you see chimps and toads. It must be a cultural thing, vive la difference.

  194. Dave Says:

    And The Rocky Horror Picture Show is more correct, the bastard BBC

  195. Clarry Says:

    You guys…. I leave you alone for a couple of hours and you can’t help it – it seems you’ve had yourselves a veritable pussy-fest!

    The thing is that the word itself doesn’t offend me it’s just a creepy one that people seem to say in a weird way – particularly creepy old men who are trying to be sexy. I also hate the word shlong.

  196. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Calum Best? Calum NOT THE BEST, MORE LIKEZ!!!

  197. Gavin Says:

    I am currently doing research on George Best. He is an “Individual in History” for National History Fair. What do you think his major contribution to society will be to historians? What was his contribution to society? Did he teach a valuable lesson to us all at the cost of his life?

  198. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say his contribution to society was shagging a few Miss Worlds, owning a groovy clothes shop in Swinging London, and having the guts to drink himself into an early grave.

    Oh, and something about football …

  199. Gavin Says:

    As a kid… i think he had more meaning then that but thank you.

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