Maestro

by

So here’s the story: Drum ‘n’ bass star Goldie, Blur bassist Alex James, actors Jane Asher and David Soul, Newsreaders Peter Snow and Katie Derham and comedians Sue Perkins and Bradley Walsh are all learning over the next six weeks how to conduct an orchestra. Each week, one of them is voted off by the judges and the winner gets to conduct at The Last Night of the Proms.

This latest BBC2 reality show perfectly illustrates the Corporation’s ongoing dilemma. They’re required to fulfill the Reithian ideals to inform educate and entertain us in a responsible manner. But they also want a juicy slice of the giant reality TV pie. How can they do both without seeming opportunistic?

PRODUCER: Why don’t we just do the same shit as C4 – but y’know, with posh stuff like orchestras an’ that?

COMMISSIONING EDITOR: Brilliant.

At the start of this first episode, the contestants were all immediately thrown in at the deep end and asked to conduct one of the popular classics, Strauss’ Blue Danube, Bizet’s Carmen etc…

As conducting seems primarily to involve waving your hands about in the air and grimacing enthusiastically, Peter Snow was the obvious favourite after all those years of gesticulating away at the Swingometer on Election Night Special. But it wasn’t to be. Peter is virtually deaf and has absolutely no sense of rhythm. I’m not even sure he knew where he was half the time. I think they’d perhaps told him the whole thing was some sort of new election gimmick – Newsnight set entirely to music. ‘Keep waving your arms about Peter. That’s the way, old chap. The results from Wolverhampton are just coming in now.’

The still very beautiful and graceful Jane Asher and the demure Katie Derham both fared much better with the task, being naturally musical and both having learned instruments as a child. Similarly with the ubiquitous Sue Perkins. Comedian Bradley Walsh started off with gags and when that didn’t work, eventually settled on a conducting technique which appeared to be an homage to Norman Wisdom from his epileptic Mr Grimsdale period. The always likeable Goldie breezed through the exercise with his natural unaffected charm and instinctive musicality. A clear favourite from the start.

What to say about Alex James. He appears to be one of those chaps who begins each day by gazing lovingly into the mirror to check that he has just the right casual floppy-haired scruffbag look before leaving the house. No doubt in the miniscule world of art college, such attention to detail would have marked him out as some sort of deep and sensitive artiste. Unfortunately for Alex, evidence collated elsewhere, (i.e. that he was once the bassist in Blur and now makes cheese) tells another story. His irritating faux-modesty act got on my tits as usual, and not just because the posh twat’s shagged more girls than me. Though that obviously doesn’t help.

As for David Soul, the last time he held a stick in his hand, it made the tabloids. Luckily those hard-drinking days are behind him and he made a promising and impassioned first attempt with the baton. Soul also helped to get the emotional journey off to a much-needed start by mentioning his difficult relationship with his father within the first 30 seconds of being interviewed. I get the feeling, however, that he mentions this when ordering food in restaurants, dealing with cold-callers and waiting in supermarket checkout queues. So maybe we shouldn’t be too surprised. For me though, he’ll forever be the blonde one out of classic 70s cop show Starsky & Hutch. So best of luck to the grizzled old dog.

As part of the training, they were each assigned a personal mentor to teach them musical theory, taken out with a marching band to help with their rhythm and then spent time with a choreographer to loosen up their posture. This was all leading up to their first public performance with a full orchestra at the end of the week, after which one of them would get fired.

Guess who that was? Beloved old Uncle Peter, of course. But remember, it’s just a bit of fun.

I wouldn’t really bother watching this, to be honest. There were hardly enough thrills to sustain this first 90-minute opener, never mind another five episodes. I always used to imagine there was nothing much to conducting. That it was just waving your arms about in time and hoping you could bluff it through to the end. Turns out I was right. So unless David Soul goes back on the sauce and decides to drown Alex James in a giant vat of his own cheese, there’s nothing much happening here.

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150 Responses to “Maestro”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Hesitated before posting this one because I thought this was a really entertaining show. You miserable shit.

    In the clip Goldie really does it make it look easy – how can you say conducting’s a piece of piss when you saw how badly Alex James, Snow and Soul got it the first time round? Keeping time is a bassist’s job yet the Blur-man found it tough…

    One of the better reality shows around as it offers genuine amusement, a smidgen of culture and the odd moment of triumph… you can’t ask for much more than that.

  2. Clarry Says:

    I didn’t watch the prog, half wish I did now. Anyway as I understand it conducting is supposed to be solid as not only do you have to keep time, you’re supposed to be one beat ahead all the way through – that’s like patting your head and rubbing you tummy as well as jumping up and down x1000. I would be shit at it.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    This doesn’t sound a million miles away from Channel 4’s Operatunity. I’d rather watch bears truffling through rubbish in Romanian housing estates.

  4. Dave Says:

    I loved the picture in the Metro – some master violinist glaring at Mel and Sue woman for taking the limelight, on virtue she once hosted a rubbish cookery show in the 90s, and hasn’t mastered a classical instrument. Those eyes said everything to me.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Blah

  6. Swineshead Says:

    ‘lemon’? What the fuck?

  7. Clarry Says:

    Rhubarb

  8. Clarry Says:

    Did I imagine that comment or was it removed?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Shall we move past the stereotyping boutique and into intelligent conversation? For fuck’s sake…

  10. Clarry Says:

    What do you want to talk about SH?

  11. Napoleon Says:

    You fucking soviet, history-rewriting, fascist bastard. Where’s my comment about lemons gone? Eh?

  12. Swineshead Says:

    You can talk about what you want but ‘lemon’ is vaguely homophobic and not really our house style.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Move on…

  14. Clarry Says:

    Well if you’re going to take away the original comment, why not take out my response? Makes me look mental and homophobic. Which i’m not.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t spoil my morning – I’m happily watching a foxy chick perform brain surgery with rusty power tools and pondering cheese on toast and you all start having a pop at Sue Perkins. It’s not bloody on.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Guardian-reading, leftie, commie squirmer! What’s wrong with calling ’em lemons? Jesus, I’ll wager you have a panic attack every morning thinking of all the things you can and cannot say just in case you offend an ethnic minority or a lemon. Are there any lemons reading this? If so, do you mind being called a lemon? You lemon.

  17. Clarry Says:

    I was having a pop at stew-dunts…

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You were having a pop at students? You want to be careful about that. Swineshead’s PC radar might pick up on your prejudices and delete your comment. The big-nosed arse head.

  19. Lemon Kitten Says:

    Isn’t this just a rip-off of that Chaneel 4 program where they took a singer from a punk band and taught to conduct an orchestra in 28 days ?
    So the conversation went …
    PRODUCER: Why don’t we just completely copy that program from C4 – but y’know, use ‘celebrities’ and drag it out for a few months.

    COMMISSIONING EDITOR: Brilliant.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Lemon (you want to be careful bandying a name like that around in ‘ere) – I’d forgotten about that. Faking It, wasn’t it?

  21. Clarry Says:

    I used to like that prog. ‘Member that posh boy having to be an MC? He really was down with the kids.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    In all fairness, most of these shows are just cobbled together and stolen versions of something that came before. Big Brother is really only Castaway 2000 set indoors with awful people instead of Ben Fogle and that chap with clown hair. You’d have thought reality TV would have tailed off by now. Sadly, idiots like thought policeman Swineshead lap up anything this dog-tired, washed-up genre farts onto the screen.

  23. Clarry Says:

    And the graffiti artist one….

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – That Christian girl pretending to be a rock chick made me squirm. I liked the one where the fella had to be a professional dog show dog person, and the one where that bloke had to be a referee.

  25. Clarry Says:

    I liked most of ’em, but the hopelessly mismatched ones were always the best.

  26. Wenchy Says:

    Faking It was a bloody good show, shame it’s not really on anymore.

    I actually really enjoyed Maestro – christ, if only for Snow’s shocking timekeeping, and the reaction of the orchestra. I thought Alex James was interesting if only for saying he felt more exhilarated than he ever had after a Blur concert. Curious.

    A random aside – did anybody see the Channel 4 programme on Sunday, Make Me a Christian? That deserves some serious bile and dissection.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I’m struggling to remember any more.

  28. Mr Chipz Says:

    Are lemons gay then? I wish I’d watched this now, I didn’t bother because I thought it was just the BBC trying to cash in on shite reality shows while being ‘highbrow’. I will now give it a chance. Just a chance mind.

    I’m dreading tomorrow.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Is that a follow-up to that Muslim show they did?

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Lemons are out of bounds, Chipz. You can’t say ‘lemon’ on here without getting a bad-tempered e-mail from Swineshead. Believe me, I know.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – if you liked Faking It you’re clearly an arse like me. But I suppose that depends on who’s doing the name-calling.

  32. piqued Says:

    Blast, I was just about to do this…

    Saw it last night, I rather enjoyed it but Bradley Walsh is a vapid little fuck hole and has done his level best to spoil it for me and all involved.

    Every time we saw him he’d be rigid with completely faux laughter, giggling airlessly and chortling with as much conviction as David Cameron. I mean who is he? All of the others have some credential/kudos but he’s known as that useless cunt from the 80’s, and that’s all.

  33. Dave Says:

    Faking It was the show that made the producers of Wife Swap, and now Personal Services Required (or whatever) big. I like their shows, they make both sides look like arses so we, the viewer, can feel smug. Even though we’d look like cunts (frontal bottom) on the show too.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Is it alright if the person doing the name calling is a wheelchair-bound ethnic lesbian with learning difficulties?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m as bewildered as you by Bradley Walsh. Every time I see him I can’t quite understand how he became famous. Or why. Or who he is. Where did he come from?

  36. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve been caught out being a twat, NC. Not for the first time. Now can you move on and quit the insults?

    No point me making them jingles then. Fuck it, that was a waste of time.

  37. Clarry Says:

    Guilty as charged. I list reading Take a Break, sleeping and watching telly as my hobbies on a popular networking site. I enjoy being shallow, I spend all day at work being clever and that’s enough for me.

  38. Wenchy Says:

    “Is that a follow-up to that Muslim show they did?”

    It seems to be exactly the same premise, so I’d go for yes. It was interesting yet infuriating at the same time.

    Bradley Walsh was on Coronation Street a while back, he got pretty favourable reviews for it (but I don’t watch it, so have no idea).

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t agree with you, comrade. I forget you get offended on other people’s behalf – very noble of you, if unecessary.

    Why were the jingles a waste of time? I thought you wanted some lyrics or something? I’m poised here, poised.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Wenchy – But wasn’t he kicking about ITV before he was on Coronation Street? Where did he come from? Was he another of those Butlins redcoat types like the awful Shane Ritchie?

  41. Swineshead Says:

    I get it in the neck if anyone evr picks up on dodgy shit said on here as I’m the admin boy. And I do think sexual orientation isn’t grounds for piss-taking. Have a heart, I’m crying for Perkins over here.

    Now are we done with this? If so Ill go back to jingle land.

  42. badgermadge Says:

    Can I just back NC up a bit here? For one I’m more offended by the C word than the word lemon. Of course, I didn’t see his original comment, but am trying to keep him sweet so he’ll give me my car (which hasn’t arrived yet by the way).

    In related news, I was once called a lemon. I was 7 and had no idea what it meant at the time. Of course, I was sucking on a my mate Kirstie’s lady bits at the time…

  43. badgermadge Says:

    Ooops, hungover. My point being that the C word has been mentioned at least twice here and I reckon that’s kinda worse. Not that I hate swearing, I’m just sucking NC’s balls til I get my car.

    Sooooo hungover. Sorry.

  44. Dave Says:

    I’m offended by EVERYTHING.

  45. Wenchy Says:

    “Wenchy – But wasn’t he kicking about ITV before he was on Coronation Street? Where did he come from? Was he another of those Butlins redcoat types like the awful Shane Ritchie?”

    As far as I’m aware, yes, and I have vague recollections of him doing those Royal Variety performances and crap Saturday night TV.

  46. Lemon Kitten Says:

    I saw Bradley Walsh doing a stand-up routine at Blackpool in the early 90s.
    Only joke I can remember was about airline seats and how there’s no space for your legs and you can move them back about 1 inch and that makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE !!!! Hilarious. (It was, I laughed).

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I wasn’t having a go at Perkins (though I can if you want as I can’t abide the woman), I was musing on lemons, lemon shops, and lemon eyewear. Sorry to drag out the tired ‘a lot of my friends are gay’ shit, but the three lezzas I know call ’emselves lemons and don’t give a fuck if other people do too. I think they’ve got better things to worry about than a tame nickname for their sexuality that was marginally offensive among schoolchildren twenty years ago. I could be wrong – we need a lemon to decide it. Any about?

    Badger – You’ve still not got the car? I need to get on to the warehouse …

  48. Clarry Says:

    BM – Beware if you say you don’t like something, it only makes ’em say/do it more (see yesterday’s response after I said I don’t like the word pussy – at last count, used 30 times). Quite funny though….

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Lemon – I’ve seen hundreds of stand-up comedians and can’t remember one fucking joke. Is this usual?

  50. badgermadge Says:

    I’m a top-half lemon.

  51. badgermadge Says:

    Good call, Clarry.

    I really really hate being called pretty and clever and wonderful and lovely… I hate chocolate and fizzy pop and shopping. I REALLY hate it when people give me money…

  52. Swineshead Says:

    That’s their call, not yours. Can we MOVE ON?

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Pussy’s alright, apparently. Even though the word seems to offend just about everyone who’s got one. And quite right too. What happened to the good old fashioned notion of being allowed to offend anyone you damn well please? Islam was the first to be proclaimed out of bounds, and now the fucking Christians are jumping on the bandwagon. Soon, if this busy body government has its way, we’ll be subject to the law if we offend anyone. And that’s the end of comedy in this country.

  54. Clarry Says:

    We’re not talking about it any more. I was talking about the C word that BM doesn’t like and the P word I don’t like. No L words here matey.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    And it’s not your call to be offended on their behalf. We’d have MOVED ON ages ago if you hadn’t gone overboard with your offence radar.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You don’t like us using ‘pussy’? Why not burn effigies of us and bomb public buildings in retaliation? If you scare the shit out of enough, we’ll never use the word ‘pussy’ again.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – You’re a ‘top-half’ lemon? Does that mean you don’t mind a bird feeling your boobs, but you’ll be damned if you’ll let her snuffle around downstairs? You could have invented an entirely new sexuality there.

  58. piqued Says:

    With regard to swears and ladies, Clarry and BM, I think ‘Bitch’ is far worse than ‘Cunt’

    The latter word is the epitome of ‘female’ (albeit a slang word) with a fine English literary heritage I hasten to add, the former is calling a woman a dog.

    I don’t think I’m speaking for myself here but whatever you wish to call the vagina, we all arrive from one and, personally, I’m a big fan of them. Like with blasphemy I think the vagina and God (if He existed) are much more powerful than negatively perceived words of their description.

  59. badgermadge Says:

    I much prefer ‘pussy’ to minge, flange or other versions. Pussy is actually a really pretty word I think…

  60. Dave Says:

    Where SH has an inarguably good point is the fact this is a public forum. So even though the people offended are adults and should be emotionally mature enough to not be offended by a word that’s, like, our opinion and stuff, and they have every right to be offended if they choose.

    Whatever offended means these days.

    Is that it?

  61. Dave Says:

    And BM just made me moist at the tip.

  62. badgermadge Says:

    Piqued: Good point, especially as Bitch is only applied to ladies, whereas a boy can also be a cunt… But Cunt is as ugly word regardless (even tho I swear like a trooper so have no real reason to be drawn into this convo).

    NC: It’s more that I totally fancy some women, would snog em and do stuff upstairs, but would NO WAY do any snuffling. Not sure about allowing them to snuffle me though. That might be OK… Never really thought about it. But then that would be v selfish, wouldn’t it? My mate calls me a mermaid (that’s the name of the new sexuality right there).

  63. Clarry Says:

    I couldn’t care less if people use that word, it doesn’t offend me it’s just a bit yukky. Now stop trying to be inflammatory.

  64. piqued Says:

    Can I just say I don’t like all vaginas, I wouldn’t like Mrs. Thatcher’s vagina I’ll wager, the bitch.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Yes Dave, that’s completely it.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – Minge is ‘orrible. I honestly didn’t know people call a lady’s ‘flower’ a ‘flange’ – I thought that was on a nob? I reckon my missus’d give me a right royal walloping if I said I wouldn’t mind having a go on ‘er ‘flange’. Personally, I prefer not to call it anything – just sort of nod my head in its general direction, raise an eyebrow, and go, ‘Hey? Hey?’ and hope she gets the message.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Having done extensive research on the subject of vaginas both in real life and on the internet, I cam concur with that. By God, there’s some ropey looking vaginas out there. I’ll wager you’ve seen more than your fair share having once worked in a nursing home.

  68. piqued Says:

    BM, that’s right. We are all children of the Cunt are we not?

    Cunt is only an ugly word because of the way it sounds. ‘Pussy’ sounds nice, soft and sensual, where is ‘cunt’ is abrupt and aggressive. But they’re both still words for the vagina, they both mean the same thing but by the way they sound other implications creep in.

    Calling a woman a dog is in a different league.

  69. badgermadge Says:

    NC: LOL! I do that, except I add “Y’know…” and then mouth “Down there”

    Gawd bless our British stiff upper lips (as it were).

  70. badgermadge Says:

    Except Thatcher. She was.is a bi-atch.

  71. Dave Says:

    Sh – I sense it isn’t. Is it really it or are you saying it’s really it because it isn’t really it and you think I’m being a moron?

  72. Who Says:

    What’s a mermaid? Does it mean you would or wouldn’t snuffle Daryl Hannah downstairs or upstairs, but not Sue Perkins?

    *googles*

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Wonderful woman. Dragged this country out of the shit the Labour party had anchored it in for years. Gawd bless her, etc.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    I actually agree with you for once, Dave. I’m slightly fucked off, I have to say – so I’m off to buy some fags.

  75. Clarry Says:

    Did anyone ever watch the programme that featured several famous types exploring the meaning of various words? Germaine Greer did one on the word cunt, where she explored the various words used for the female anatomy and by definition I agree with her that the word vagina is possibly most offensive as it means ‘sheath for a man’s sword’.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – It isn’t. If it was, then we might as well shut this site down. The amount of personal attacks we’ve made on people (calling complete strangers cunts just because they’re on the telly), the diseases and syndromes we’ve taken the piss out of, the religions, etc. You can’t have it both ways.

  77. badgermadge Says:

    Who: keep up. Mermaid/Top-half Lemo- sorry, Lesbian. Only go upstairs…

  78. Swineshead Says:

    For fuck’s sake Ben, drop it.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Do you remember when Germaine Greer brought out that paedophile book a couple of years ago? If a man had published a book full of naked twelve year olds, he’d be locked up. How come nobody minded when Greer did it? Is it because she appears on that Late Review with all those other eggheaded toerags?

  80. badgermadge Says:

    Who’s Ben? Agree with SH this is far too serious a convo to be having of a Friday morn with a hangover.

    WOOOOO IT’S FRIDAY!

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Why? Because you started it and now you’re annoyed that people don’t agree with you? Isn’t this the usual dog with a bone WWM, then? Or do we now have to tow your line? Sorry, chief, but I don’t agree with you.

  82. Clarry Says:

    NC – God only knows. I don’t particularly like her, I just happened to agree with ehr that the obviously offensive word isn’t always the most offensive dy definition – much as Piqued is saying – it’s the meanings we attach to them.

    Doesn’t the word pussy make you think of pus?

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Not at all – more because you’re reverting to type. Just like the old days. Maybe we should have this conversation by email?

  84. Who Says:

    Ah, right you are, Badger. Think I’ll just stick to pursuing Calum Best’s winky, I know what I’m in for there. All this upstairs downstairs bizniss is making me dizzy.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – ‘Pussy’ makes me think of vaginas nowadays. It used to make me think of cats, but then the 80s and 90s happened and now it’s vaginas. Mrs. Slocam didn’t help either, I suppose. Constantly banging on about her pussy when you knew she wasn’t on about her cat. The dirty bitch.

  86. piqued Says:

    Clarry, I saw that programme, yes. She a big fan of ‘cunt’ is Germaine, she believes women should reclaim it as it’s a word of some power… I agree with her. I’m well in touch with my feminine side, me.

    Hurrah for cunts!

  87. Dave Says:

    BM – I’m a man with tits. YES? It’s a Friday….

  88. Clarry Says:

    I think we can sum up this conversation and say that there aren’t really any universally accepted, nice words for sexual parts.

    What do you call your lady friend’s?

    Plus what do boys call their winkies?

  89. Dave Says:

    ‘Friar Tuck’ or ‘Flesh Gnome’.

  90. Clarry Says:

    P – I’m a fan of the word, as when used occasionally it has quite good shock value. GG’s point that having your sexual parts defined as a resting place for a man’s cock is pretty demeaning.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I hadn’t heard this ‘friar tuck’ slang until you used it yesterday. Is it meant to be one o’ them rhyming buggers?

  92. Clarry Says:

    D – What???? Are you in proison?

  93. Clarry Says:

    *prison

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Dave’s sort of in prison – he works in a call centre.

  95. badgermadge Says:

    Blimey… NC and SH?

    If you divorce, you still love us right…?

    *bangs heads together*. Just go and eat each others’ pussies like big fat dykey lemons and have done with it yeah? (No offense SH, mwa!)

    WOOO FRIDAY! AND DAVE HAS BOOBS! WOO!

  96. piqued Says:

    I like ‘cock’ for a gentleman’s front penis, Clarry

  97. Swineshead Says:

    Regular readers can be assured prior problems over the misuse of fruit nomenclature are now resolved. Back in a bit.

  98. Dave Says:

    Why would I be in prison? It looks like a short, fat bald bloke. There are no merry men connotations there at all. Fucking none.

    And, Perry, at least I’ve left my house today.

  99. Clarry Says:

    P – You twat :¬)

  100. badgermadge Says:

    gawd. have you taken him round the back and buried him under the patio?

  101. Napoleon Says:

    *falls head-first into trap*

    I prefer ‘man-hammer’.

  102. badgermadge Says:

    yeah, i like ‘cock’ too… cock and pussy. and that’s it.

  103. Dave Says:

    You like cock and pussy? AWESOME THIS IZ TEH KEWL!!111!!

    INTEHNETS RULEZ!!!!11!!!

    1337

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I left the house this morning to see why a bloke was pissing up my back wall. It was alright in the end – he needed a piss, see?

  105. Clarry Says:

    Er, because that’s the most revolting phrase a man could ever christen his member, and you should be imprisoned for crimes against ears/eyes. Tell me you don’t refer to it as that in front of your partner/shag piece? You’re also not really selling yourself – a short, fat, bald cock. Form an orderly queue ladies….

  106. Dave Says:

    Sexist. I’m not here to act as ‘male totty’ for the likes of you. If I, a man, want to call MY member ‘Friar Tuck’ it is my beautiful right, as a man, to cherish it with such a name. As a man. I’m a man.

  107. Swineshead Says:

    I call my winkle – The Concave

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently I can increase both the girth AND the length of my man-hammer by buying an ancient book of Mayan secrets from a man in West Africa. This all sounds above board to me, as the chap who sent me the e-mail is a ‘quallifed medcal prakisner’.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    “Tell me you don’t refer to it as that in front of your partner/shag piece?”

    Clarry – Please read Dave’s comments on Battlestar Galactica DVDs to get a clearer understanding of his current relationship status (i.e. wanking in the dark on his own).

  110. badgermadge Says:

    Shag piece?!

    Clarry!

  111. Dave Says:

    I sometimes mount toaster ovens whilst cloacked in a sheet of tin foil. Never assume.

  112. Clarry Says:

    NC – Ha ah ah h aha adeh hhaha…. sorry for your plight Dave.

    BM – Sorry, I was trying to think of a term that didn’t presume his sexual orientation.

  113. charliemingles Says:

    * rubs eyes and awakens*

    fuck me, what have you filthy bastards been on about. thank god I only called sue perkins ‘ ubiquitous’

  114. Napoleon Says:

    I knew a lad at school who rampaged around his mother’s house using all sorts as masturbatory aids when she was out. Wine carafs, tea towels, melons. Apparently he once wanked into some honey roast ham, then put it back in the fridge. AND he shit in a church, he did, and muggins ‘ere got the blame.

  115. piqued Says:

    Shitting in a church… I’ve shat myself in church but I think actually taking a shit in a church is a little, well, impolite

  116. Dave Says:

    That foxy weather girl on ITV is well hot. I use her.

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Dumped it in the sink where it was found by the mothers and toddlers group two days later. Disgraceful. And he went on to be a copper, if you please.

  118. Clarry Says:

    Cripes!

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Sian Lloyd? She looks like Donald Duck.

  120. Dave Says:

    No. The one with spikey blonde hair. The feline looking one that loves to tell us about her warm front. Bloody hell, I’d rather wank over Christopher LLoyd than Sian.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I know. Disgusting, isn’t it? Swineshead witnessed this travesty against God and the Church of England too.

  122. Clarry Says:

    Imagine the shame of being dumped by that scrote Lembit for a Cheeky Girl?

  123. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know her. There’s a nice looking weather girl on Look North up here. Sadly, she’s only used when a prick called Paul Hudson is away.

  124. piqued Says:

    Look North is only watched by about 30 farmers isn’t it?

  125. Napoleon Says:

    No, that’s East Midlands Today, Piqued.

  126. Dave Says:

    Isn’t that Lloyd bird Churhill the bulldog’s fancy woman these days?
    That’s a long way from the dizzying heights of How 2.

  127. piqued Says:

    Ah, my mistake NC

  128. Napoleon Says:

    She is, in Churchill the dog’s fantasy. Have you noticed they’ve removed the bit where Churchill says ‘FUCK!’ at the end of the advert with the Whitesnake song in it?

  129. piqued Says:

    Christ I fucking HATE that advert

  130. Napoleon Says:

    The Whitesnake one, or all of ’em? That RED driving school ad’s getting up my nose at the moment, and the one where Johnny Allen off of EastEnders tells me I

  131. Napoleon Says:

    … need to take back control of my life. These bloody sausage fingers! I pressed tab then enter by accident and it fired off my comment half-cocked.

  132. Dave Says:

    Have you seen the faces they’ve designed for the new Thundercats film? They look like extras from The Island of Doctor Moreau. What a crock of rubbish.

  133. piqued Says:

    ‘Have you seen the faces they’ve designed for the new Thundercats film? They look like extras from The Island of Doctor Moreau. What a crock of rubbish’.

    Not quite sure where to start with this

    It’s wrong on so many levels Dave I think you’ve stumbled into a new dimension, which, judging by your comment, you’d rather like.

    Have you ever had sexual intercourse?

  134. Dave Says:

    Piqued – You have no class.

  135. piqued Says:

    If you define ‘class’ as the life and times of Thundercats, Dave then you’ve a point.

  136. Dave Says:

    Did I win?

  137. Wenchy Says:

    Good lord, what have you lot been up to?! Must be something in the air.

    (My most hated, hated, HATED word was mentioned in here, I can’t even bring myself to look directly at it)

    *shudders*

  138. charliemingles Says:

    I know Wendy ‘ Thundercats’.

    *shudders in sympathy*

  139. piqued Says:

    You know a cartoon person CM?

    Okaaaaaaaaaaaay

  140. charliemingles Says:

    hong kong fooey?

  141. Clarry Says:

    Which one Wenchy? Give us a clue!

    Mind you if you can’t even bring yourself to look at it, how can you type it? What does it rhyme with?

  142. Dave Says:

    I’ve just won a load of beer at work for getting the fastest lap on Gran Turismo. That’s a defining moment in my life!

  143. Wenchy Says:

    It rhymes with binge. Honestly, even thinking about it makes me feel nauseous. Yuck!

  144. Napoleon Says:

    Do you ‘work’ in form 4b at the local secondary school, Dave? Or is it one of those ghastly places with dress down Fridays, fancy dress competitions, ‘pub quizzes’ and other infantile shit that the management hope will distract you all from the fact they pay you fuck all and will sack you at a moment’s notice?

  145. Dave Says:

    I’m too filled with a sense of purpose and achievement to want to answer that question, Perry. I’ve won beer.

    I’ve also won a photo of some woman from BB that we’ve been made to stick on the wall. I haven’t been told why that’s a good prize. Oh, and Chewits.

  146. Clarry Says:

    Oh well, on that note have a good weekend y’all.

  147. Good Dog Says:

    Would it be fair to say that Alex James is a smug cunt who should do us all a favour and fuck off the planet. And take than Albarn twat while he’s at it.

  148. Swineshead Says:

    Albarn’s a talented gent, I reckon. James is alright but needs to stay off reality TV and out of the fucking Observer.

  149. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Doubtless the orchestra was happy not to have some overconfident egotist twat at the helm and proved that most of the time, especially with ‘easy’ stuff like that, all they need is a metronome (see: novice conductor with SOME rhythmic ear).

  150. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m also guessing the ‘conductors’ won’t actually be doing any of the hard bit of a conductor’s job – organising rehearsals, memorising entire complex scores of several works etc. You know, like what conductors do.

    I also doubt they’ll be tackling any modern squeak/fart difficult stuff, conducting a double orchestra in different time signatures at once or generally doing any work.

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