Big Brother

by

A quick look at BB then, if only to get the blog stats back up after I neglected WWM for a week, sitting about at home watching The Wire in my pants.

As usual, Big Brother is utter rubbish. At this stage of the game, as is usual, those who are tuning in are only doing so to vent at the Alpha Nob. 2008’s winner of that prize this time round is an unpalatable little cock called Rex.

This weird little Popeye-like grunt was apparently born to a nouveau-riche father who owns a restaurant or two. As a result, Rex has found himself in a position to lead one of Pappy’s ventures – and has been very vocal about the fact that his only reason for being in the imbecile-bungalow complex is to promote the eatery he’ll be running when he’s freed.

The problem there is that promotion usually involves charming folk to get them to turn up, rather than having people turn away in droves because the head honcho’s a grade ‘A’ arsehole.

A quick look at Rex’s embarassments:

A campaign of bragging about anything that comes to mind:
‘We own three restaurants’. ‘I’ve cooked for a million people’. ‘These stupid silver shoes cost this much’. ‘That manky white hoodie that looks like I found it in the bins outside New Look cost that much’. The twat never stops bragging. Which is weird, because looking at him, you don’t feel anything close to jealousy. You just burst out laughing at his face, clothes and haircut.

Picking on a blind bloke:
If you want a couple of million people (that’s probably what viewing figures have dwindled to) to think you’re a complete tool, pick on the blind bloke. And do it despite the fact the blind bloke’s proved he’s got the measure of you and beats you in every argument. Furthermore, why not stick your tongue out at him while losing an argument? He can’t see after all! You nob.

Having hair that’s more ridiculous than Donald Trump’s:
Is his barber having a laugh? Look at the fucking shape of it! Rex himself said that this cut is a mohican ‘but it’s just brushed to the side’. It doesn’t look like that to me. It’s more like an orange whelk-shell precariously balanced on top of his pointy skull. It makes him look like his brow is continually sliding down towards his mouth. The fucking cock. Even his girlfriend calls him a ‘conehead’. Speaking of which…

His girlfriend:
Rex’s girlfriend entered the BB house a couple of weeks ago. Before she turned up, Rex referred to her as his ‘princess’ and whined about how he was missing her. The night she arrived, you could see in his beady eyes that all his nightmares had come true. Not only was he going to get found out (that their relationship was a mess of childish bickering), but also the world would see that she wasn’t quite the beauty he was making out, and more a sort of budget Paris Hilton with pebbles for teeth. And a voice that could strip paint.

Possibly her greatest moment was refusing to help (blind) Mikey sort out some burning sausages because she was having her hair done. It ought to be noted that her hair is a mess of singed extensions and the only way to get it ‘done’ would be to grade zero the entire bloody bush. Other finest moments occur every time Rex wants her attention. Instead of calling her name, he shouts ‘OI’. What a gent.

Never-ending witless jabbering:
Every claim that’s made, any anecdote that’s told, Rex has done it, done it better, done it more obnoxiously, done it for free. Which is all very lovely for him, but doesn’t stop the fact that he’s a completely noxious bell-end.

If you’re one of the strange breed that turns up for the evictions, don’t boo the smug little twat. Just boot him. Seriously – kick him up the arse. It’d make bloody great TV.

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26 Responses to “Big Brother”

  1. charliemingles Says:

    such dedication sir. and in the middle of the day. have you been sacked?

  2. charliemingles Says:

    I havent watched this since the first week, but I can see what a goon he is. And that hair is fucking awful.

    He appears to have learned his mannerisms from gordon ramsay, has a very similar vocal intonation and bodily movement.

    my terrible class-prejudice comes out here Im afraid. I hate these posh cunts playing at mockney bad boys. ginger poltroon.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    You should see what his missus is like. Completely insufferable. It’s good that Channel 4 devote so much time to broadcasting the worst examples of this country’s twatty youth.

  4. charliemingles Says:

    and to think it started off with such noble aspirations. the youth of today.

    I remember when channel four was all just fields. fields.

    You turned it on and they just had … fields. Not this spoon-fed namby-pamby entertainment nowadays. You had to work for your money then. Had to see if you could spot something … in one of the fields.

    Them were the days.

  5. Dave Says:

    I can’t believe they haven’t rerailed this demolished bridge bound train of shite onto E4 exclusively. I don’t know anyone who’s watching it this year.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I’m no longer a slave to the addiction. I turn on once or twice a week and there’s Rex, in a white hoodie, talking about how great he is.

  7. charliemingles Says:

    im off to watch ‘the perfect vagina’

    Wish me luck ….Im going in.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Are you reviewing it? That’d be handy…

  9. charliemingles Says:

    I was planning to, got any clothes you need ironing while Im at it?

  10. charliemingles Says:

    if you allow me to shamelessly plug my X factor review again tomorrow morning, I’ll see if I can whip up a vaginal monologue for you sir.

    assuming its worth reviewing. cant say fairer than that boss.

  11. Dave Says:

    I thought Lisa Rodgers had died, she was well fit on Scrapheap Challenge and that scene in Lock Stock. Not even she can lure me to watch women butchering their flappy bits for no obvious reason other than they’ve the brain power of a garden pea mixed with the self-esteem of a lemming.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I caught the first five minutes, glimpsed a split-second shot of a wanny being needled and hot-footed it to another channel.

  13. Dave Says:

    Sorry. A Wanny?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – a baggy wanny. A welly top. A pink bin-bag.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Was that sexist?

    *fumbles with list*

  16. Dave Says:

    I can’t even read Guardian articles without bumping into WWM. Piqued’s having a right opinion about Lisa Rogers over there.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I like Lisa Rogers. She supports Arsenal. This means I also have to grin and bear it when Rory McGrath’s on the TV. And, topically, Bradley Walsh.

    Anyone remember the FA Cup Final when Bradley Walsh was in the Fanzone with Tim Lovejoy? ‘Never mind – it’s only Ray Parlour’. Glorious victory over Chelsea. Marvellous. Great days. Anyone remember?

    Anyone?

    Anyone there?

    Hello?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Shit. A bit of googling and I learn that Joe Swash (AKA Mickey Eastender) is also an Arsenal fan. I’ve always enjoyed his work.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    I liked her on Over The Moon (unless it was Under The Moon) when she used to sit around in a bikini. That was a good show if you liked sport.

  20. indy Says:

    watch with big brothers…

    it seems like your version still is going for “personality” when it comes to picking who’s to be sent in to the house or not. you lucky bastards.

    the last (!) swedish big brother house was filled to the brim with buff vodka red bull men and tribal tatooed fake blondes in their 20ies, no one with a cv that offered more than a bar job or having been a “hostess”. the problem with the earlier seasons, where the producer went for personality/freaks, was that the sad wankers were to far to up in their own arses to interact with the other contestants, a bit like a football game with 22 players playing with one ball each but without any goals.

    to sort this out the production team went with a selection of no brains/no personality trash and had a couple of seasons with “great TV moments” (bouncing beds and beeped out moans). every weekend an exxon valdez
    filled with booze crashed into the house and all the contestants got pissed and physical.

    however, after an incident where one of the girls passed out after some rounds of vodka shots and one fake taned spiky haired f*ckface put a pepperoni in her panties the public, the sponsors and the production company first lost their temper and then their interest. we have not seen it since in sweden.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Pepperoni in her panties…. yikes.
    Sounds like the ‘turkey neck’ moment in Big Brother Australia…

  22. The Tombstone Says:

    I love how Nicole can’t stop staring at the camera. Deep down behind the tears and the toff voice she’s just silently screaming “I’M ON THE BLOODY TELLY!”

    I think Rex and Nicole are a funny couple because we’ve all got friends like that. Those annoying couples who just argue all the time but think they’re superior to everyone else. I heard he knicked her off his mate as well, back of the net!

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – I absolutely have not got friends like that… speak for yourself, y’bastard.

  24. The Tombstone Says:

    You honestly don’t know one couple who are totally wrong for each other, argue all the time and ruin everyone else’s night with their antics, yet still walk around like they invented love.

    Damn I need new friends.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Not any more… maybe 10 years ago.

  26. The Tombstone Says:

    That’s okay then I’ll just spend the next 10 years drinking heavily until they go away.

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