The Monday Question: Favourite Detectives

by

The world is a dark and dangerous place. We all know this, and while vigilantism shouldn’t be encouraged in real life, there seems to be a host of amateur sleuths in our televisual history who have brought justice to the most sophisticated of murdering parties.

So I put this to you; you’re having a social occasion with a small illuminati of friends when suddenly the lights flicker off. A moment later and they come back on, but in the middle of the room lays the noted psychologist Baron Wilderness – a knife in his back. Screams are heard, suspicion is pointed and chaos chokes the room when suddenly an unexpected guest enters the fray…

So who would want to be your amateur sleuth de la maison? Dr Mark Sloan, perhaps, or maybe Jessica Fletcher or Father Dowling. Was Ironside your preferred choice or do you have leftfield peculiarities for Rosemary and Thyme? Maybe Baywatch was more your style, or at the other end of the spectrum Hetty Wainthrope?

Pick your best, but remember they have to be amateur – anyone whose job is classified as police officer or detective isn’t allowed. I’m also disallowing myself so as keep this question fair.

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111 Responses to “The Monday Question: Favourite Detectives”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    *mindblank*

  2. Swineshead Says:

    So I can’t have Bergerac because he’s a copper?
    Pah.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a bit rubbish that you can’t have coppers. I’d go for Jack Regan if I was allowed … erm …

    Probably the po-faced Brother Cadfael would be my choice. He knew his onions did that fella, and it would be unusual to have a 13th century monk turn up to investigate the sudden demise of the baron.

    As it ‘appens, I’m familiar with a little-known 1980s feature film called ‘The Baron’. It wasn’t a murder-mystery though, so I won’t bother going any further with that one.

  4. Badger Madge Says:

    If I can’t have Poirot, I’ll go for Mark Sloan then Quincy then Bergerac. Oh and maybe Marple too…

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Doesn’t Badger’s choice of Bergerac get her DISQUALIFIED ffrom the game? Or at least added to some sort of list?

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    Oh right, yeah sorry… Monday. Brain not working. He’s a copper. OK, well then Sloan, Quincy, Marple.

    What a threesome…

  7. charliemingles Says:

    Professionals would be easy of course – Columbo or Monk.

    Amateurs though? Can I have Shylock Holmes – The Stereotypically Jewish Gentleman Detective of Of Old London Town?

    Failing that, I’ll go for Nancy Drew from the Nancy Drew Mysteries. But only because I used to really fancy Pamela Sue Martin who played her on tv and went on to be the original Fallon Carrington in Dynasty.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie’s comments surely shove him on a list?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    NC – I think Charlie gets away with that one quite easily, mainly because he isn’t persistently calling a lesbian a ‘lemon’.

    YOU MOTHERFUCKING CUNT

  10. charliemingles Says:

    anyone watch The Perfect Vagina last night?

    Ive got it recorded so dont spoil it for me.

  11. Good Dog Says:

    Simon Templer. If wet, The Singing Detective

  12. charliemingles Says:

    Can I, at this point, put in a shameless plug for my X factor Review over at Charlie Mingles?

    thanks

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I’m a cunt am I? YOU’RE the fucking cunt! YOU! CUNT!

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Easy now, NC.

    X Factor review on your site, Mingles?
    TREACHERY.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Nobody likes Greg Proops, nobody.

  16. charliemingles Says:

    infamy infamy. theyve all got it in fa me.

    (c. talbot rothwell 1973)

  17. charliemingles Says:

    does scooby doo count?

  18. Badger Madge Says:

    Link please Charlie…

    I didn’t see the perfect vagina last night. But I know someone who did… fnar!

    Sorry.

    NC What is this fixation you have with lists? What are you, Schindler?

  19. charliemingles Says:

    Just click on my name BM. I believe thats how it works.

    alternatively:

    http://talesfromanemptyroom.blogspot.com/

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Watch it Mingles – I’m all for ‘link-sharing’ but don’t push it. You’ll garner two extra readers by unfair means if you keep at it.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – I like lists.

  22. charliemingles Says:

    SH, bearing in mind my site is only three weeks old and I havent posted on it for two and no one loves or visits me ever, cant you give a guy a break.

    PS: I watched the cable guy last night, havent watched it for years. Jim carrey is usually everything I hate in comedy ( gurning, jerry lewis, deliberately trying to be ‘funny’) but somehow he always manages to succeed in entertaining me. also mathew broderick is perfectly judges it as mr average. a very under-rated actor in my view. so great in election.

    I know cable guy is a film, but its s much about tv geeks. like us. well, you.

  23. charliemingles Says:

    Mr Mingles lawyers would like to point out that he didnt obviously put that funny face in

  24. Swineshead Says:

    You can review shit films on here, if you like. We do.

  25. Good Dog Says:

    Mingles, you fucking Charlie,

    Talbot Rothwell didn’t come up with “Infamy, infamy. They’ve all got it in for me!”

    It was written by Frank Muir and Dennis Norden for their radio comedy Take It From Here, starring Jimmy Edwards.

    Rothwell was friends with the pair and was always asking if he could incorporate their gags in his scripts.

    Like a good detective… Know your fucking facts!!!!

  26. charliemingles Says:

    I know. but thats longet to type. you geek.

  27. Badger Madge Says:

    Charlie: I am a lazy journalist. I like links to click on, otherwise I ain’t bothering.

  28. charliemingles Says:

    jeez. you guys.

  29. charliemingles Says:

    fair enough BM. thanks for the plug. Didnt know whether putting up an actual link was acceptable to the Man. but hes very gracious.

  30. charliemingles Says:

    SH, doesnt good dog go on some list for using the dreaded !!!! instead of just writing something properly?????????

  31. Swineshead Says:

    If someone uses too many exclamation marks I just ignore everything they say.

  32. Dave Says:

    Have you heard of that band ‘Pigeon Detectives’. I automatically ignore everything they play.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    They’re utter tripe, Dave.

  34. Dave Says:

    Quite like Costello’s detective-based song though. Superb.

  35. Good Dog Says:

    Oh right, so I could say:

    “The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.” – Cher.

    Even though, really, it was said by Sir Winston Churchill. But I’m too lazy to type Sir Winston Churchill.

    Getting facts right doesn’t make you a ‘geek’. Getting facts right stop you being seen as a cock-knocking, scabby-arsed, lazy twat.

  36. Dave Says:

    “Getting facts right stop you being seen as a cock-knocking, scabby-arsed, lazy twat.” As was famously uttered by Gandalf the wizard.

  37. charliemingles Says:

    Dog, you don’t need the colon and the inverted commas. Either, is the accepted convention, I believe. Seeing as we’re talking accuracy here.

  38. Badger Madge Says:

    Likewise, CM, you don’t need that comma just there: “Either is the accepted convention, I believe.”

  39. charliemingles Says:

    That’s open to interpretation BM. But I didn’t open this can of worms ( Dog did) anddont care about spellin and stuff on coments sekshins personaly. its not very interesting, is it?

    Im happy just to shake hands with the boy and get on with our day.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Going back to Dave’s comment (while Mingles keeps on yabbering to himself), Pigeon Detectives are bloody awful. I had the misfortune of catching some of the V Festival on TV yesterday – what a load of shit. Girls A-fucking-loud were playing, unironically. And people were liking it. That’s not how a festival should be, is it?

  41. Badger Madge Says:

    yeahidon’treallycareaboutpunctuationorspellingeither.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Third in the Olympics medal table, I see.

  43. charliemingles Says:

    Like your stye miss badger.

    SH is the master of grammer, and indeed grandmar, I hear.

    You know, were still waiting for news of how you got your name you know.

    Some of us havent slept for days with the anticipation.

  44. Badger Madge Says:

    It’s, like, sooooo dull and will be the ultimate anti-climax.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    What, Swineshead?
    It’s a sleepy village near where I was born. There’s not much more to it than that.

  46. charliemingles Says:

    I like girls aloud. in a non-ironic fashion. and Im heterosexual.

  47. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Well, I can’t speak French. So what GA have taught me is using da funky musique whilst roaming the continent of Europe works just as well. I also didn’t know dry grinding a lady in a club is better than doing a PHD in biology. More fun too.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Thus spake David Niven.

  49. Badger Madge Says:

    I lurve GA.

  50. Dave Says:

    Yes, because there was no humour intended in my comment, you old fart. Niven was crap anyway, I always preferred Jack Lemmon.

  51. Dave Says:

    And that was Lemmon, not Lemon befor you get all excited.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Niven was crap? No he wasn’t, you fat pup. He was suave, and that’s the end of that.

  53. piqued Says:

    SH, I saw some of Girls Aloud, none of them can sing and they kept yelling shit at the audience, things like ‘if you know it join in’ and ‘wooo’

    Pidgeon Detectives are abhorrent

  54. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know these pigeon people. Girls Aloud are alright … not musically, obviously, but in a girl-next-door, second tier, chip shop quality female way. I obviously wouldn’t do the violent racist in case it launched me to the top spot of Swinehead’s most venerable list, but the others I’d take a punt at. My favourite is the red haired one who looks like a pissed-up nightclub blowjob certainty if ever I’ve seen one … unless she’s the racist one. Is she the racist one? If so, I’m not keen on ‘er.

  55. Dave Says:

    The racist one that went out with Ashley Cole and had a hit single with Will.I.Am? She’s a North East moron, that’s all.

  56. Badger Madge Says:

    “I’ve got loads of gay/black/jewish mates” Blah blah blah.

    I prefer Kimberley. She of the pouty lip, gravel voice and nice juicy bum. The ginger one just looks mean.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but is she the red-haired one?

  58. charliemingles Says:

    men can spot easy meat at 1000 paces and nicola has that small wounded animal look that we all find so sexy. whether were honest enough to admit it or not.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Is Kimberley the racist one?

  60. charliemingles Says:

    cheryl – racist
    nicola – ginger
    nadine – irish
    sarah – identikit blonde
    kimberley – nice clean midlans type

    check out my girls aloud website for more details

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Aha! Thanks for that, Charlie. Armed with this information, I can now confidently say I’d ‘do’ the red head*. Can someone pass this on to her?

    *Unless Charlie’s pulling my leg, in which case the racist bitch holds no charms for me.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    poor cheryl. she viciously beats up one black woman in a toilet and its never forgotten. its political correctness gone mad, say I

  63. charliemingles Says:

    agreed on the redhead.

  64. Badger Madge Says:

    Kimberly isn’t clean! Have you heard her voice??? She’s got a right dirty husky one. AND uber pouty (blowjob) lips. The ginger one just looks cold and mean and really unbendy.

    You men!

  65. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve always had a thing for foul-tempered ice maiden types. Her pissed-off face appeals to me … I bet you could have a right royal row with her followed by absolutely fucking furious sex.

  66. Swineshead Says:

    NEWS JUST IN

    They’re all racists.

  67. Dave Says:

    That Doors edition of CR is a joke.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – eh? Doors edition of what?

  69. charliemingles Says:

    visit dave at nonsequiters.com

  70. Napoleon Says:

    A joke? Why? Because it contains just one article on The Doors – despite the front cover promising a magazine devoted to the band? Is that your beef, Dave? Dave? Where’s the beef?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    They’re ALL racists? In that case I don’t fancy any of ’em. I’ll go for the one that doesn’t look like the back end of a septic tank off of the Sugababes instead.

  72. charliemingles Says:

    BM, men pretend they like big blowjob lips like angelina jolie etc. but htats just to impress other men.

    we secretly prefer quivering frightened ginger nicolas as we know theyre much much better in bed.

  73. Dave Says:

    It’s shamelessly using the banner of a great band so that twelve year old boys will grab it, because the Zoso is cool and like you can play records backwards for the devil, and they’ll be disheartened for life because it’s just another bloody Classic Rock. Which is a great magazine, don’t get me wrong just not the 2008 Doors annual.

    You’ve written great posts about this kind of witchcraft.

  74. charliemingles Says:

    I went out with miss evening news once ( I know, impressive)

    All she did was fix her hair and make-up every five fucking minutes and draw mad fucking squaddies to her in pubs like flies. give me scruffy wee nicola every time

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t possibly comment, Dave. You didn’t even like my LSD article? It’s right at the back after the adverts for sex chat lines.

  76. Badger Madge Says:

    how can someone like ginger nicola (who’s really unbendy and would most prolly just lie there) be better in bed than someone like kimberly (or sarah for that matter) who looks like she’d be great fun and show you a good time too.

    lips are good.

  77. Badger Madge Says:

    nicola ain’t scruffy. if anything she;s the most body conscious of the lot (after that anorexic irish one). at least kim’s happy with her massive fat arse.

  78. Dave Says:

    NC- I’ll check it out.

  79. charliemingles Says:

    I have to admit I havent studies them in any detail since 2001 and am going primarily on your video clips from the BM site.

    Certain redheads do give of some sort of scent though, even through the internet, which sends us men wild.

    I believe its secreted through the keyboard. but im not sure of the technicailites.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    I disagree. I imagine the look of venomous hatred Nicola would give you after you’d popped the soup would more than make up for a lack of bendiness or activity during the act. And then you could have at one another with pans and knives in a thunderous whirlwind of ill-tempered mutual dislike that leaves both of you bruised, bleeding and in urgent need of medical attention. Marvellous.

  81. Dave Says:

    Have I told you about my liking for her off of the X-Files?

    Think of the ginger babies we could produce. Think of it. Thousands of them. In your cupboards, watching you whilst you sleep. Think of it. My ginger babies. Everywhere.

  82. charliemingles Says:

    Hold on, I never said ginger should be allowed to breed with ginger. therein madness lies. its worse than incest that. you disgusting ginger beast.

  83. Dave Says:

    It’d be like two rusty Brillo pads scraping against each another.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Personally, I occasionally eschew any form of sexual contact in favour of watching two rusty brillo pads rubbing together

  85. charliemingles Says:

    Madge – arent there men youd shag up against the wall in a one-night stand and men youd take home to your mum? not often the same men are they? I rest my case m’lud.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That would be hideous. She’s no oil painting and you look like you’re made from wet Plaster of Paris. Your babies would look like light-deprived Warwick Davieses. Don’t breed with this woman.

    In fact, for the sake of the whole human race, don’t breed at all. We’re meant to be going forwards evolution-wise. Anything you contribute to the species would knock us back at least two thousand years.

  87. Badger Madge Says:

    yeah course. but the ones i’d shag are usually good looking. not weirdo miserable types.

    hmmm… actually, i see your point.

  88. charliemingles Says:

    on an unrelated note, ive just bought the segeant bilko complete boxed set ( dog, I know its technically called the phil silvers show)

    still great great stuff, phil silvers has just about the best comedy timing of anybody and it doesnt date.

    Can I do retro 50’s reviews SH?

  89. Dave Says:

    I could create a subspecies of man that’d live under the sewers until the Apes came and the we would become psychic children of men that’d reign supreme until Charleton Heston came down and blew up the entire planet.

    Your Perry bloodline’d be long fucking gone.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    I’m glad of that, Dave. I don’t want my sucessors to have to put up with not only battling apes, but also battling anaemic ginger underground people who genuinely believe the resin figures of Lord of the Rings characters they’ve spent £20,000 on are going to be the antiques of the future and not landfill.

  91. charliemingles Says:

    yes, shag the quivering ginger women and throw their menfolk onto the fire. sounds like a plan to me. where do I sign?

  92. Dave Says:

    What the hell do you take me for, collecting resin figures. Sod off. I watch a couple of sci-fi shows and suddenly I dress up as a troll every other Sunday and fight people dressed in carboard boxes for amulets? That’s a fucking untruth. I hate LOTR and I wouldn’t raise my mutant, sewer dwelling offspring to like it either. I’ve never been so insulted.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I don’t believe you. Despite having no evidence, I’ve made up my mind that your bedroom groans under the weight of thousands of wasted pound’s worth of miniature Gandalfs, Predators, Boba Fetts and Daleks. In the middle of this rubbish sits Dave, wanking furiously over the leather-clad warrior avatar of a fat woman from Birmingham on lonely single man’s best friend game, World of Warcraft. Of course, when dominatrix23721232 is offline, it’s time to break out the Buffy the Vampire Slayer annuals so you can finish off your rapidly eroding phallus quick-smart before your mum gets back with that night’s supper of fish-fingers, peas and chips.

    That’s what I’m certain your life is like.

  94. Badger Madge Says:

    Napoleon, you’ve just described one of my exes.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – His name wasn’t ‘Dave’ was it?

  96. Dave Says:

    I’ve done nothing to deserve that horrible, horrible portrayal. Do I share a bed with my mother and know every single bus timetable in the UK off by heart? Do I stand in my sister’s wash basket wearing her soiled knickers?

    What kind of creature do you take me for, you scribbling anachronism of bastardness?

    http://www.xfm.co.uk/fusions/guess-the-album-cover-win-prizes

  97. Badger Madge Says:

    Omi gawd!

    Dave???? Is that yooooouuuu?

  98. Napoleon Says:

    I take you for the sort of creature whose socks are so grubby with semen, your poor mum’s got no hope of ever getting ’em clean.

  99. Badger Madge Says:

    Ahem… Ummm, my mum’s just sent me a load of laundry she took away to do for me. But it’s only because I don’t have a washing machine and can’t afford the launderette… *cringe*

  100. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll wager your laundry wasn’t flooded with spunk like Dave’s, Badger. Unless it was … in which case you’ve really gone off the rails of late.

  101. Dave Says:

    There’s no founding for this. I use tissue, and if I didn’t I’m old enough to was the semen off my own damn socks. I’m a man.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Not denying you spend 90% of your life chugging into your underwear though, eh? You’re a disgrace, Dave.

  103. Badger Madge Says:

    How did we get on to this?

  104. Dave Says:

    I don’t think I suggested I did it either. And 90 percent would suggest I was leaking my essence into cotton rich laundry since I were a boy of 2.

    You sick prick.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t like it, do you? The truth hurts, Dave, it’s as simple as that. People like you need gassing.

  106. Dave Says:

    Unfounded.

  107. charliemingles Says:

    Id leave these two lovebirds to talk dirty to each other madge.

    They may be some time.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Who cares if it’s unfounded? Just because there’s very little (if any) truth in what I’m saying, don’t think for one minute that’ll stop people thinking you’re some sort of light-deprived goblin who spends his waking hours wanking over Sarah Michelle Gellar posters in your mum’s spare room. Say it enough, and they will believe.

    Eventually you’ll hang yourself.

  109. Badger Madge Says:

    Good idea…

  110. Joanne Says:

    Do men really wank into socks? Sounds…friction-y.

  111. Mac the Knife Says:

    I think it aired briefly in about 1969, but ‘ows about Judge Dee? Sort of like a law-abiding Fu Manchu…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_van_Gulik

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