One Minute Review: Vauxhall Corsa

by

YOU WILL TAKE THE STRANGE VAUXHALL ‘C’MON’ PUPPET THINGS TO YOUR FUCKING HEARTS!

They won’t let it go, will they? The advertising agency has decided we’re going to damn well like these … these … whatever the fuck they are, so we’d better get used to the idea. They’ve done tie-ins with soft toy companies so we can all own one of the … of the … what the fuck are they? You can buy key-rings with them on, mouse mats, mugs – anything you could think of that you can stick one of these doo dahs on, you can buy it. Hooray!

NOTE TO VAUXHALL:

You can’t simply decide what the next Flat Eric, ITV Digital Monkey, Crazy Frog etc. will be. The public – fickle beasts that they are – will either warm to your unusual advertising creation or they won’t. Putting the soft toys and the key rings and the tea towels in the shops in anticipation of a countrywide feeding frenzy doesn’t automatically guarantee that feeding frenzy will take place.

Your … erm … whatever the fuck these things are supposed to be… are also-rans. They’re the new PG Tips birds, the new Noid (see? Nobody even knows what the fuck that is); they’re not Churchill the nodding dog, and they’re never going to be.

So, bearing this in mind – Vauxhall, can you please take your ‘C’Mon!’ puppet things away from our screens, and shove them right up your fucking arse?

Thanks.

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188 Responses to “One Minute Review: Vauxhall Corsa”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    I think they’re just called the C’Mon’s, bit dirty if you ask me.

    My mum loves them, so they know their target audience.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t like them. The designers have gone to Forbidden Planet, picked up every bit of Japanese cuddly toy design available and nicked it wholesale.

    The advertisers have failed as I didn’t associate the things with Vauxhall… whereas Johnny Vegas’s money is inextricably linked to ITV Digital. Or was it Tetley… PG Tips? ITV Online…?

    Can’t remember.

  3. The Tombstone Says:

    The funniest thing was my mum can never remember they are advertising a Vauxhall Corsa and guess what car she drives…

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Robin Reliant? No… hang on…

    Capri?

    Tombstone – I got your review. not read it yet. Will later.

  5. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    I wouldn’t bet on it failing utterly – I was at the checkout in the Co-op yesterday and a young mum coooed ‘oooh I love them – I think they’re hilarious’ and bought the one on the far right of the photo. The entire queue except me seemed to nod in agreement and rushed towards the box.

    SH is right though, until I just read the above I had no idea they were even from an advert let alone whuch advert they were from.

  6. Dave Says:

    The first time that advert came on I remember my old man spitting out a fit of swear words before stating – ‘what the hell’s become of this country when cars are marketed to kids’. I laughed, then defended it was marketing a sense of fun, the ethos of freedom, adventure and excitement before realising that, yeah, adverts can, like no other, act as a barometer for our society’s steady decay into a BBC THREE land of shallow, dribbling bastards.

    I also found it amusing HMV filled their stores with hundred of these nightmarish, continental ragdolls.

  7. charliemingles Says:

    I realise Ive managed to avoid adverts completely now somehow. I havent seen these little bastards at all.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I hate the ad for Right Guard that’s doing the rounds at the moment.

    Ya had a bad day!

  9. charliemingles Says:

    me SH?

  10. charliemingles Says:

    its only started. give it a chance.

  11. Good Dog Says:

    The “creatives” behind the campaign may have been desperate for ideas but I doubt they would have been desperate enough to go to Forbidden Planet and mingle with all those twitchy, hygiene-challenged nerds. Still, it’s definitely a Friday, five o’clock job.

  12. Dave Says:

    The worst advert at the moment, and I trust EVERYONE agrees with me, is that Oasis advert in which a young Hick girl and a human cactus run from the law, on account they drink chemically flavoured water.

  13. charliemingles Says:

    dave, I havent seen that one either. I never thought id ever feel envious of people whod seen an advert.

    *once more throws self on plastic sword*

  14. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    There’s that mind-boggling dubbed german Clearasil where the ‘older brother’ ‘pops’ his cheek with his index finger and says ‘don’t take ALL the girls.’ Well, you hear that, his lips don’t move.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    You lost me there mingles – I wasn’t criticising you at all.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    That Cactus Kid thing’s shabby. SHABBY!

    The bastard’s killed my dog!

  17. charliemingles Says:

    I know. Just thought youd asked me if id had a bad day, thats all. I was assuming it related to my late night.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    The worst ads are by Channel 4 and for the new Channel 4 music channel which I believe began with Steve Jones and Davina McShutthefuckup talking about their favourite music… which must’ve been a ratings grabber.

    Steve Jones:
    The theme tune to Baywatch.
    Anything by Nickelback.

    Davina:
    Dido
    That song that goes ‘Ya had a bad day!’
    Anything by Take That

  19. charliemingles Says:

    havent seen any of those either. I really must start watching television.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I genuinely don’t get Cactus Kid.

    The other worst adverts around are the ones for albums with Jo Fucking Whiley saying ‘the sensational new album from…Generic Indie Dross’. She’s a guarantee it’s going to be shit.

  21. indy Says:

    2008 – zig and zag reunion tour

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I thought Steve Jones was a geneticist? There’s another Steve Jones?

  23. The Tombstone Says:

    I really like that Right Guard advert. When he shouts at his boss and gets his foot stuck in the bin, better than the golfer with the smelly pits.

  24. The Tombstone Says:

    I think ‘Cactus Kid’ was good in theory but the fact that idiots can go on the website and decide how it ends just ruins it. I’m voting for her picking spikes out of her bleeding vagina while he’s got a huge smirk on his stupid cactus face.

  25. Dave Says:

    Haha, SH – and that bastard Rob Lowe, is it? That used to present Gonzo on MTV2. I’ll naturally never listen to anything that whore pushes unto the unsuspecting masses.

    Anyway, what’s this advert about –

    ‘I am my mother, my sister, the first girl I knee nobblered behind a potting shed, and the hot teacher the arse in form 2b. I am all these things because I’m a schizophrenic pervert.’

    Sold.

  26. The Tombstone Says:

    My mum gets so angry at that Orange advert it’s so funny.

  27. The Tombstone Says:

    And Jo Whiley, no one likes her, no one listens to her opinions about music and no one thinks she serves a purpose but yes she’s remained at large in the music/entertainment field for years and years.

    How?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That ‘I am my mother, brother, blah, blah, blah’ thing fits in perfectly with the way they advertise mobile phone service providers.The remit seems to be, “For fuck’s sake don’t mention the fact we allow you to make phone calls!” Hence we get O2 ads full of frogs ‘n’ hippos, and Orange ads that blather on about I am this and I am that. Mystifies me.

  29. charliemingles Says:

    the duller the product, the more abstract and full of pseudo-religious imagary they are- ie phone calls and life insurance. Both are self-explanatory, so theres nothing much to say in concrete terms.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    I LIKD THE ADVERS WER A MAN KISD AMAN FOR MAYONAS – LIKE SPUNKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!q v

  31. charliemingles Says:

    http://www.gloob.tv/stupid/monkeys_ice

  32. Dave Says:

    There’s been some great choons on some of the adverts though, to be fair. My favourite being Iron and Wine’s cover of Postal Service’s Such Great Heights.

    And, SH, I don’t care if you were being funny and ironic. You know what you need to do with that list. NOW.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t write that, Dave. Someone hacked the site, so fuck off.

    That’s a whole other issue, the music thing. It seems every artist that signs to a major label sells at least one single to an advertiser the second they put down a signature.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    All those tunes they have on mobile service provider adverts are wishy washy. That fucking ‘One, two, three, four, doobi doobi love me more’ thing was like having someone drive nails into my ears.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I hate that fucking song. You’ve got a whole demographic of people who only buy albums off iTunes because they liked it on an advert. And they’re fucking buffoons with no soul.

  36. Dave Says:

    NC- That’s because of all that repressed anger you have bottled up by years of CCR, and Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. You’ve done it to yourself.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I don’t like Crosby, Still, Nash & Young, Crosby, Stills & Nash OR Crosby & Nash. I am partial to a bit of Creedance, mind, so you might be right.

  38. Dave Says:

    Try selling a tariff with a two hour hash-up of a classic Marvin Gaye number, see how far that’ll get you.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Pah! This world now stinks.

  40. piqued Says:

    If you sign to a major label they usually take all your music rights so the company can do what they want with it.

    If they use your tune for an advert for Analrapeporn or Nestle there is fuck all you can do about it.

    You’ll get royalities mind.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I’d let a company do whatever the fuck it wants to my work – up to and including destroying it – if I got royalties.

  42. piqued Says:

    That as maybe NC but there’s no need for that sort of language

  43. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    Napoleon is a very nearly an anagram of analrapeporn incidentally.

    Anel-ope-n

    Oh.

    No it isn’t.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Never a good thing when you get a bit of egg shell in a scotch egg.

  45. piqued Says:

    At least it proves it’s an egg you’re eating as opposed to an ‘ogg’

  46. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    One of my favourite Herman’s Hermits is currently getting shafted to buggery on a bloody bank advert – I’m Into Something Good.

    I almost cried when I heard it.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I have it on good authority (my own ears) that you use that sort of language all the time, Piqued. As well as being a proven cheat, you’re also a hypocrite.

  48. piqued Says:

    I bloody hate that song, it’s all happy and shit

  49. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    I would like to clarify here that one of favourite Herman’s Hermits SONGS is currently getting shfted to buggery.

    Not just one of my favourite members of top pop combo Herman’s Hermits per se.

  50. piqued Says:

    I don’t recall uttering swears when we met, I may have said ‘poppycock’ or ‘blast’ perhaps

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I recall it, and I have the proof on tape (not tape – something like tape, but off of the future) of you swearing like a wounded docker. Hypocrite.

  52. piqued Says:

    You have no such tape, you’re a rotten liar, and a thief, you thief

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued/hoisted/petard (his own).

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Your assertion about record companies isn’t one hundred percent true, Piqued, and to prove it I asked someone with a record contract who said:


    It’s all down to what contract you sign.

    If you sign a one album deal say, the traditional way is that a label will stump up for recording costs, promotional costs and manufacturing costs and will seek to recoup that through sales and licensing. All labels know that the quickest way to do that is get your songs on adverts, or on Football Focus, or in a film, or all of that stuff. So the majors will have a dedicated sales department for this type of thing, although if your promotion is good then songs tend to sell themselves.

    So basically when the artist signs their contract, they have to stipulate certain things – personally, if I was in that position I would have a clause that states I have the last word on licensing decisions. Big labels would probably then put pressure on your management and lawyer to have that clause taken out so the decision making rests with them, and the whole thing gets terrifically dull. This is because the label owns the recordings of the songs (not the actual songs themselves) and, rightly, feels that they have the right to sell them how and to whom they please to recoup their costs.

    So at the end of the day it’s up to you what you sign. If you want to retain complete artistic control you have to make sure you have it. And the independent labels are just the same as the majors in terms of business practices, worse in a lot of ways as they often very badly organised.

    Make sense?

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Hmmm. How is Carly today, Swineshead?

  56. Dave Says:

    I’ve noticed Massive Attack getting a load of play on shows for ambience, the latest one was that awful waste of time Master Chef. I wonder how that works legally.

  57. piqued Says:

    I asked someone too (I did say ‘usually’, yeah)

    I know Frank Black kept all his rights for example but the companies will push for everything.

  58. piqued Says:

    Dave, I think between me and SH we’ve told you…

  59. Napoleon Says:

    I wish I could come up with a good Christmas song so I could live on the money, like. O’course, I’d need to learn an instrument. And I’d need to be able to write a decent tune. And some lyrics. And be able to sing.

    Arses.

  60. Dave Says:

    A big act like Massive Attack signing their music away as ambience to the BBC as part of their contract? Doesn’t sound right. Unless it was a condition of a project they really wanted to do – perhaps Unleashed/ Danny the Dog.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Danny the Dog? Has he got tits?

  62. Dave Says:

    No, but he made one of himself in the latest Mummy film.

  63. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dave – touché.

    NC – You don’t need any of that stuff. Just get an annoying drumbeat, remix your song about the French, make a video of an animated animal singing it with some snow in the background, despite being inexplicably in the desert (then make a rest-of-the-year version with no snow). Job done.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I might do that after I’ve finished recording my Dog With Tits charity single.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – we can make that our next project if you like?
    I’ve got garage band which is like the package I used for the jingles but easier for a thickie like me to operate. Shall we storm the top ten with an Xmas hit?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I shall send you the lyrics when I’ve done them. I’ll need a ‘We Are The World’ type of tune if we’re going to get to number one in the Hit Parade.

    If we do, I have no idea how the record company will handle the front cover of the single … seeing as it belongs to someone else.

  67. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I can compose and arrange, if that’s any help. ARRANJ YUR FACE!

  68. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just realised you meant the Xmas single. Bear with me and I’ll write that too.

  69. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    http://www.fat-pie.com/healthreminder.htm

  70. charliemingles Says:

    If youre doing a christmas single, you need to make sure the kids in wheelchairs are at the front in the video. thats traditional, to elicit maximum sympathy from the guilt-ridden festive audience. A tip from the top.

  71. Swineshead Says:

    A kind offer, Waggonwheel, but I really think this needs the ineptitude only an amateur can manage.

    You could release a rival single?

  72. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with Swineshead. Professionalism muddies the waters. My awful lyrics sound better laid over the music Swineshead knocks out in five minutes flat. Someone who knows what they’re doing would ruin that ‘special needs sound’ we’re trying to perfect.

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I see ‘garage band’ is somewhere between Guitar Hero and Windows Movie Maker.

  74. piqued Says:

    That’s right JQW, it’s in Shropshire

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I used to use Logic, Waggonwheel – which is what the pros use. But I’m trying to regress my abilities now. Having made some music with NC over the last fortnight I’ve realised that the way forward is to damn professionalism to hell and record everything tunelessly and in one take.

    It’s like musical dogme without the rules.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know what that is, but I agree with it wholeheartedly.

  77. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    would that be the thing you wanted Piqued to download for you? Eh? Eh? Illegal. Next you’ll be flagrantly infringing copyright laws.

  78. charliemingles Says:

    Apparantly, a finger of fudge is just enuogh to give the kids a treat.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    I was unaware copyright laws covered a holiday snap I found on Google Images until I was made brutally aware of the fact it apparently does a week or so ago.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    You should be thanking that K****** character Napoleon.

    Thanks to him, you appear to have a whole load of new material. After all, where would Batman be without The Joker? Haning out in gay bars in his rubber suit, looking to arrest under-18’s, that’s where. Think on sir.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued doesn’t know how to tie his own laces, let alone download a 1gig software package.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – I’m fairly certain I’d have come up with new material if K**** hadn’t intervened with his bully-boy tactics. Indeed, his outraged response to my infringing of his copyright has denied my readers the chance to play ‘Asian Airport Roulette – With Gary Glitter’ – a hopeless and deeply offensive new board game from the award-winning* BP Games.

    *Best Board Game Company, BP Games Annual Awards 2008

  83. charliemingles Says:

    I stand corrected sir. But I think you’ll agree the dog with tits stuff sounds much funnier than that.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    It’s looking likely Piqued won’t be physically capable of tying his own shoe laces soon, if his last few posts are anything to go by. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with urinating on a wheelchair-bound man, and am looking forward to trying this out the next time I see him.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not too sure, Charlie. I’ve got rules written down and everything. Plus, I’m backed up with cars I need to give away. K****’s ruined that.

  86. charliemingles Says:

    do you think it was a cockney pearly king psychic who first prophetically coined the phrase ‘ taking it up the gary?’

    He appeareth to be able to summon forth images of the future using just a bowl of jeelied eels and some WW2 right-wing Memorabilia.

    What next from the fat mockney shiny-button wearing cor-blimey nazi twat? Stay tuned.

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued was actually wearing rubber plimsoles, if you’ll recall – no need for lacing those bad boys – and they’re entirely water and piss-proof.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    He was wearing the same shoes I was. Should I be worried for the future of my legs/bladder control?

  89. piqued Says:

    I can download a 1 gigs package of the downsloading if I want SH, n dunt u tak the piszzle owt of my pumps

  90. charliemingles Says:

    I tried to download an illicit copy of garageband off limewire and it fucked my computer. would a copy from utorrent be more reliable?

  91. Napoleon Says:

    They were shiny new pumps. Did your mum buy them special so she wouldn’t be shown up by the other boys’ shoes?

  92. Swineshead Says:

    I know nothing of this illegal downloading you mention, especially when it comes to big corporations like apples.

    (Email me and I’ll send you the link)

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Did your mum buy them special so she wouldn’t be shown up by the other boys’ shoes?

    I was wearing a pair of £20 Clarks. And they stank, as you may have noticed.

  94. charliemingles Says:

    you appear to already have my email address, strange man I havent spoken to before and cerytainly never concerning illegal downloads.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    My dirty old pumps showed me up to be the scruffy kid who picks his nose and eats the results. Piqued’s new pumps showed he was a spoiled swot and a girl.

    And yes, I had noticed the stench of your shoes. Not even the mighty power of Right Guard Sport could mask the odour.

  96. piqued Says:

    I was wearing Converse when you were just all fields, NC, so don’t you come the old ooh-my-Converse-are-tatty-cos-I’m-too-cool-for-school-over-my tits with me sonny jimpoleon

  97. charliemingles Says:

    hows the back guvnur?

  98. piqued Says:

    Alright at the mo CM, thank you

    *puts CM in will*

  99. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds like sour grapes to me, Piqued. My plimsoles showed I’m a grafter, that I don’t mind pulling up my sleeves and getting my hands dirty. Yours showed your mum won’t let you leave the house with dirty shoes, and that you’re therefore a mummy’s boy, a swot, a fag, and a blouse.

    That’s right – a BLOUSE!

  100. Napoleon Says:

    I did not mean ‘fag’ in its American sense there, by the way. I’m not getting inot the whole lemon debacle again.

    *prays he’s not on the damned list again*

  101. piqued Says:

    ‘A fag’, oh dear NC, I think you’ll find you’ve contravened regs.

    That pair of Converse were a fortnight old, prior to that my last pair made yours look like they were crafted by Jesus: Master Bootmaker

    http://kriswithak.co.uk/ladybird

  102. piqued Says:

    I’m afraid it’s ‘fag’ in its contemporary sense NC, it’s American origins are by the by…

    SH, the list please.

  103. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Fag’ means ‘cigarette’. Therefore you’ve broached no regs – but you have indulged in a spot of gobbledegook.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I meant it in its 1920s public school sense. I’m surprised that bent-backed old bastard Piqued didn’t realise this. He must have been in his forties when the phrase was used in this context.

  105. The Tombstone Says:

    You guys ever use Cubase? That’s what I use, pretty good expect the drums and the mastering.

  106. The Tombstone Says:

    Except.

  107. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve only ever used Logic and garageband, tombstone. My music-making ability is shoddy and I couldnae give a flying fuck.

  108. The Tombstone Says:

    How are the drums and the mastering on logic and GB?

  109. piqued Says:

    Yes, I’m aware of its archaic context NC, thank you

    SH, NC wasn’t calling me a ‘cigarette’, stop sticking up for him. Honestly, you two have been as thick as thieves since I left you both at NC’s hotel…

    Hang on…

    *vomits profusely*

  110. Napoleon Says:

    I slept alone that night, Piqued. No man could sleep if Swineshead’s £20 shoes were sat in the room, kicking up a stink.

  111. piqued Says:

    ‘I slept alone that night’

    A likely story

    *continues vomiting loudly in the sink*

  112. Swineshead Says:

    You put me on the bus, Piqued – you fucking pissant. Can you not remember?

    I bet you slipped back, climbed to NC’s seventh floor window and tossed yourself off onto your plastic plimsoles, you bloody abhorrence.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    You’re just jealous because both Swineshead and I wear shabby shoes and have fully-working spines. Perhaps you should go back in time and not crash your bike and dirty up your shoes a bit? That way you wouldn’t be seething with jealousy, and you wouldn’t need to make up scurrilous rumours about what we got up to after you staggered off into the night looking for all the world like a four hundred year old man.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    You’ll note Swineshead let slip the fact my room was on the seventh floor? That’s where they keep the penthouse suites, boast, boast, boast.

    *sips caviar and eats champagne*

  115. piqued Says:

    ‘You put me on the bus, Piqued’

    Don’t be so ridiculous, what are you a 2 foot tall dolly? You’re a grown man SH, you can get on a bus on your own…

    NC, how dare you, you may want to be a little more humble after I dived in to save you from that man making rude comments about you doing it with your mother before calling you a ladies part…

    Now if you’ll excuse me

    *vomits in a huff*

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Success!

    Finally that girl Titmuss has accepted me as a friend on her facebook page. It’s onwards and upwards now!

  117. charliemingles Says:

    upwards certainly

  118. The Tombstone Says:

    Her real Facebook page? Are you going to send her abuse or try and sleep with her? I wonder how many times she gets poked a day.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t need your bloody help, thanks very much. The real tale is you sat there sniggering like a teenage girl whilst I gave the staff and management of that establishment a piece of my mind, you damned liar. ‘Dived in’, indeed! I don’t need wirey old men with brand new shoes and broken spines to fight my battles for me, no I bloody don’t!

  120. piqued Says:

    Well if you wish to have selective memory syndrome NC there isn’t much I can do is there

    You coward behind me muttering about the quality of my new Converse, and that is a fact, everyone

  121. Napoleon Says:

    I know the truth, you snivelling coward. If that man had directed his filthy insults at you instead of me, you’d have blubbered and wept and begged him to give over as you’re only a poor, weak old pensioner with spidery arms and a balding head. Spineless, that’s what you are.

  122. charliemingles Says:

    I’m reliably informed that photo at the top of the page was taken on saturday night.

    I can tell which ones Piqued as he is the lad in the black and white top grimacing in pain. .

    SH, is that you in the bikini? nice wax.

  123. piqued Says:

    Oh, that’s nice, mock my spine won’t you

    I put myself in the line of fire and that’s the thanks I get

  124. Napoleon Says:

    If by ‘line of fire’ you mean ‘standing at the back sniggering’, then you have my heartfelt thanks for your courageous support.

  125. charliemingles Says:

    I fail to see how acknowledging your pain is mockery good sir.

    now colin mockery, he was fucking painful.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    A flawless example of the art of writing comedy there, Charlie. Thanks for that. No, seriously, thanks.

  127. piqued Says:

    I’ll admit I was sniggering yes, sniggering at the rude man as I defeated him

  128. Swineshead Says:

    You did absolutely fuck all Piqued, let’s be honest.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    I agree with Swinehead here. ‘Fuck all’ just about sums up your contribution.

  130. piqued Says:

    Well, if I did ‘fuck all’ outside of snigger SH then you did the same…

    That didn’t happened did it? (No, it didn’t)

  131. charliemingles Says:

    thanks NC. no irony received.

  132. Swineshead Says:

    I’d stretch to ‘absolutely fuck all’ on this occasion.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    That should have read ‘Swineshead’, obviously. I wouldn’t want to lose his support at this crucial point in the argument by saying he has a swine for a head.

    I’d say it’s more parrot-shaped.

  134. piqued Says:

    Back off CM

    (see, protected you again NC, just like the other night)

  135. Napoleon Says:

    I vaguely recall thinking Swineshead had me covered, Piqued. If it had all kicked up, his sniggering would have quickly turned to action as weighed in with those £20 shoes of his. You I imagine would be half way up the road as fast as your broken back and new shoes could carry you.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    You’re a coward, that’s what I’m saying here, Piqued.

    YOU.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    Glorious picture of NC and Piqued on Saturday – just before all hell broke loose.

    http://tinyurl.com/NC-PiquedSaturdaynight

  138. charliemingles Says:

    superb SH. youve captured just how I imagine the twat. whos the cunt on the right – looks like trevor horne.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll concede I nearly shit myself laughing after looking at that picture, Swineshead.

    And shitting himself is exactly what Piqued did the moment it all kicked off on Saturday – like the spineless goon he is, with his new shoes.

  140. piqued Says:

    ‘You I imagine would be half way up the road as fast as your broken back and new shoes could carry you’

    aha, so you admit, you imagined it

  141. piqued Says:

    It didn’t make me laugh NC, it wasn’t even us

  142. charliemingles Says:

    well at least Ive added a new word to your vocab NC. ‘ Goon’ keep trying it out for size, walk around a bit, wear it in.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    No, if you could read through those cataracts, you’d see I was imagining what would happen if it HAD stepped up a level on Saturday:

    Swineshead – Fearlessly weighing in with his £20 shoes.
    You – Running away as fast as your new shoes will carry you, shedding dentures, pile ointment and Deep Heat all over the pavement as you go.

    Coward.

    Bald coward.

  144. piqued Says:

    ‘I was imagining what would happen’

    aha, again, you admit it. AHAR

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – I’m afraid I tend to ignore your comments as I try to avoid reading things written by children. I already knew the word ‘goon’ from before you were born, yes? Before 2002?

    Now off you pop, wee Charlie … it’s time for your free milk, then a story.

  146. charliemingles Says:

    stick to your beryl cook style airbrushed drawings sir.

  147. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, I admit that didn’t happen, that’s why I said I was imagining it. I don’t need to imagine what actually happened, which was you sniggering like a girl and doing absolutely fuck all else.

  148. Who Says:

    Gawd, what a beeyootiful pair of boys y’are.

    DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE

  149. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie – ‘Stick to’? Are you suggesting I should leave the writing to you? Ho ho! Right you are, Charlie, right you are.

  150. Swineshead Says:

    Handbags, handbags, all around.

    You all need to grow up, like me. Try walking around in my 20 quid, stinking shoes for a while, yeah?

  151. piqued Says:

    ‘Yes, I admit that didn’t happen’

    At last!

    Well good for you to ‘fessing up.

    You’ve gone up in my estimation, sir. It takes a certain strength of character for a fellow to admit when he’s wrong.

    It was that sort of spirit that won us the war don’t you know.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Handbags? I’m merely pointing out – as you did – that that wretched, broken old man did nothing but snigger at the back. He’s the one who’s decided he was the saviour of the hour, the bloody liar.

    They did ‘onk a bit, them shoes.

  153. piqued Says:

    Oh, you’ve just undone all the good you did NC

    I’m gravely disappointed

    SH, Clarks don’t make £20 do they? I bet they cost more than my 35 quid Converse

  154. piqued Says:

    Oh, you’ve just undone all the good you did NC

    I’m gravely disappointed

    SH, Clarks don’t make £20 shoes do they? I bet they cost more than my 35 quid Converse

  155. piqued Says:

    Sorry about the repeated post, my penis slipped on the keyboard

  156. Napoleon Says:

    What wouldn’t have won us the war is having soldiers of your bloody calibre knocking around. Hitler would have been trampling down Oxford Street twenty minutes after war was declared if cowards like you were our only line of defence. Remind me never to invite you to be my tag-team wrestling partner, Piqued. With that bald head, broken back and the whiff of a Judas about you, we’d be fucked for sure. The only thing you’d be able to bring would be brand new shoes … and what fucking use would they be?

  157. Swineshead Says:

    Converse? The Nike offshoot?

    Clarks do £20 shoes in the endless sale they have going on. I wouldn’t shop anywhere else. I even have shoe pants.

  158. piqued Says:

    …well there’s no need for that NC

    At least my footwear was effective at responding to the brief of ‘shoes’, yours had more holes than a colander. (That’s a cooking device; it’s full of holes btw)

    Next time buy originals not copies

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Nike makes ’em? Well that’s good to know. I wouldn’t be happy buying shoes that weren’t made by eight year olds in Indonesian sweat shops.

    Oh brilliant. ABBA’s on the radio. Huzzah, etc.

  160. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Why would you spend more than twenty pounds on a shoe? They’re shoes. Nobody cares.

  161. piqued Says:

    Nike ‘off shoots’, no, not them, Chuck Taylor made mine, SH

    Your pants are made of shoes? Gracious

  162. Napoleon Says:

    They were originals, you cheeky bastard. As I had to give you a £10 hand-out to get you home, I assumed you were the one that could only afford knock-offs. They didn’t look right, those shoes. In fact, they had ‘Market’ written all over ’em.

  163. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Just put Dog with Tits in a forum and the only bite thus far is

    “in b4 misuse of dog with tits pic.
    aka Warka’s Sister”

    Which makes my comments look coherent.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a young movement, Dave. Soon you’ll not be able to move for Dogs With Tits. Especially if you do that virus thing I still don’t fully understand.

  165. Swineshead Says:

    And Piqued’s been talking of how he likes to frequent Ridley Road market quite a lot recently – home of the iffy shoe stall. That ten quid handout we both gave him could have gone on a sterling pair of stinking £20 Clark shoes rather than the knock-off Nigel pair of converse copies he purchased.

    *adjusts shoe-pants*

  166. charliemingles Says:

    whats all this shoe talk. you’ll be discussing getting your fannies trimmed next.

    * goes off in search of a more manly site*

  167. Napoleon Says:

    The plot thickens! I assumed my £10 was going towards boil ointment or incontinence nappies, but now I see he had other plans. He is, as you say, one of modern life’s most loathsome creatures – the Knock-Off Nigel.

  168. piqued Says:

    I can assure you my Converse are the real deal. For a start the ‘Converse’ logo on my pair aren’t stickers like NC’s suspiciously grey pair

    (ironically I bought a colander at RR market last month SH)

  169. Napoleon Says:

    They weren’t ‘suspiciously grey’, they were old. You’d know they go like that if you didn’t hoodwink people into lending you money to buy new knock-offs every time you get a speck of dirt on the old ones, Nigel.

  170. piqued Says:

    I wouldn’t have needed that £10 if you’d let me get the tube. But you two were busy buying me drinks to thank me for stepping in earlier, and that’s a golden fact

    I am man enough to say thank you to the pair of you for the money for the cab mind.

    (even if I do secretly think you were paying me off so you too could be alone together, to, well…

    *resumes vomiting*)

  171. piqued Says:

    ‘They were ’suspiciously grey’’

    I know, uncanny isn’t it

  172. Napoleon Says:

    We weren’t buying you drinks to thank you, we were buying you drinks to keep you safe. Had you walked off alone, the table of women you insulted would have followed you and beaten you up.

  173. Napoleon Says:

    And if you look, you blind old owl, you’d see I wrote ‘They weren’t ‘suspiciously grey”.

    You need those crappy old eyes of yours testing.

  174. piqued Says:

    Yes, they were rather fearsome, I’ll admit that, but I’d proved earlier that I can take care of myself when I defending you and SH from that rude man

    What’s grey? (apart from your Convereses)

    Oh, the owl is

  175. piqued Says:

    sorry, I meant ‘when I was defending’ of course

  176. Napoleon Says:

    How is that possible? You can’t have stepped in earlier to defend us, as the incident occured at the end of the evening. Your mind’s going – just another thing to add to the list of ailments that now plague a man of your great age.

    I fear it’s time you were put safely away in a home.

  177. piqued Says:

    You’re getting confused, you were very, very drunk

    (are owls grey by the way? I think you’re getting your facts wrong, again)

  178. Napoleon Says:

    I’m getting confused? I fail to see how as the argument centred around the staff wanting to close up the bar and my refusal to hand over a half-drunk pint. How, then, were we later able to buy you drinks in grateful thanks for your valiant defence of us in the face of a large raging man? Was I so drunk I forgot the bit where we got into the time machine?

  179. piqued Says:

    Anyhoo, I’ve got to go home now

    Good night

  180. Napoleon Says:

    The NHS assisted mini-bus has arrived, has it?

    Withered old scrote.

  181. badgermadge Says:

    Oh god… I’m so fucking bored!

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Why? Hang on … it’s not ‘women’s thing’, is it? If so, keep it to your bloody self.

  183. badgermadge Says:

    Just an end-of-the-day can’t-be-arsed thing maybe. But also quite bored in general…

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right. Well at least you can look forward to another night of senseless debauchery, Badger. I find your recent nocturnal activities disgraceful, personally, but whatever floats your boat …

  185. charliemingles Says:

    madge, have you ever considered a labiaplasty. I hear they work a treat in perking up you lady-types?

  186. badgermadge Says:

    It’s not something I’ve ever considered, Charlie, No. Mind you, mine *is* perfection.

    Napoleon – no debauchery tonight. It’s a quiet night in with the lads: pizza for them, celery sticks for me *gah!*

  187. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    If I ever bump into you lot, I’ll be the one who looks like Simon Amstell, wearing mouldy plimsoles, clutching a filthy student loan cheque and shouting ‘Christ! It’s him off The Fall!’

  188. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Plus you’ll all suddenly feel very, very old.

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