WWM Podcast Number One


It’s here, after a whole world of hassle.

Problems included Napoleon having to fork out for a shabby hotel room and bus ticket, Piqued having to travel into town at the ungodly hour of 3pm and Mr Chipz having to get out of bed when he’s on his six week hibernation holiday.

This is in addition to me, your old friend Swineshead, having to stay up till the early hours of the morning editing the fucker and shitting out jingles to Ben’s questionable vocals.

That’s all quite apart from the post-recording stand off in London’s West End between an unruly chef and three of the programme-makers. I’m surprised we made it out alive.

Anyway, there are a myriad technical issues I can’t be arsed to explain or apologise for, but if you like the sound of four men in a single room shouting at each other (not in a sex way, mind you), then this is Britain’s number one podcast. Consume it immediately.

The running order is as follows:

  • Intro
  • How Clean Is Your House
  • Secret Millionaire
  • Eastenders
  • Holby City
  • Outro

Now to try and get the bastard on iTunes…

Click the player – bear in mind it takes a good while to buffer.

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141 Responses to “WWM Podcast Number One”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    Well this is no good to me at work now is it? I look forward to listening at home though.

  2. badgermadge Says:

    Likewise, I’m not allowed to listen to talking at work. Only music. And I don’t have the net at home, living in a cave as I do…

  3. Napoleon Says:

    It’s the gratitude of our regular readers that warms my heart. It’s nice to see, after all the efforts we made to make this, that the first comments out of the trap are complaints.

    Mind you, not much change from the norm there, I suppose …

  4. Swineshead Says:

    It takes effort to complain, I suppose. On the plus side, it’ll only heighten their disappointment when they finally get round to listening, I suppose.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose it will.

    Now then, how do I download this to my Walkman? I’ve a C90 in – is that going to be enough room? I can put it on a different speed if necessary, though I’d like to avoid doing that if possible as it stretches the tape.

  6. george Says:

    Another reason for me to get off of my arse and get my internet connection at home sorted out. Oh yeah, while I was in France I placated myself by watching some utterly hideous TV, some football gaffs thing, that hooligan thing with danny dyer and a few others, is it OK if I do an article thing?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Hold up! You cut out the Olympics?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Oh fuck. I totally forgot about the olympics.
    I’ll have to do that as a special release or sommat.

    You could’ve told me this morning!

  9. piqued Says:

    Yes, and I not surpsised NC. When you decided to do that impression of Zola Budd by opening and closing your farmers hat Chipz was physically sick. We can’t broadcast stuff like that, it’s a disgrace

  10. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Cor, you don’t half go on.

  11. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m quite tempted to turn up my computer at full volume at work and let it rip, then have a piss all over my desk and walk out.

  12. The Tombstone Says:

    And what exactly did happen between a chef and you guys?

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t listen to all of it this morning. It’s a shame, as it contained by far the best argument of the day. Gah!


  14. piqued Says:

    JQW. That’s the point of sound broadcasting, silence doesn’t work

  15. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    no, but some degree of scripting helps.

  16. piqued Says:

    It’s all in Piqued Tomstone

    (that wasn’t a plug btw I was helping a WWM reader out)

  17. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  18. piqued Says:

    Tom Stone

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Ooooooh – get little JQW!

    The little fucking twat.

  20. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oooooooh, the reviewer can’t take being reviewed. OOooooh.

    Piqued – well done on the contract, by the way.

  21. iamnotthebeatles Says:

    I can’t listen to it at work either so tell me

    a) Have you got really posh voices, or
    b) Regional accents

    I can then read all your comments in the style of you.

    Thank you.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I’m on the B3ta newsletter apparently.

    What’s the B3ta newsletter?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I can take anything, me.

    I just happen to think you’re a stalker-like arsehole. And a toffee-nosed, Lembit Opik-loving one, to boot.

  24. The Tombstone Says:

    That’s a beautiful story.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    As if you don’t know, Perry…

    They’re picking our bones, those B3ta types…

  26. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Christ, it’s officially viral:

    ‘>> Dogs With Tits <<
    Clairywoowoo writes to us with the request, “Mr
    Perry needs all our help in his Dogs With Tits
    campaign.” Apparently Mr Perry photoshopped
    some ladynorks onto a doggy he found on the
    interweb. The dog owner then demands the swift
    removal of the offending breasticular photo,
    and Perry is hoping that the internets will
    support him and replicate the canine with cans
    all over the entire twatosphere. The rights and
    wrongs of this particular case maybe should be
    presented to the Electronic Frontier
    Foundation, or at the very least, The Web
    http://snipurl.com/tittydog [bpperry3_blogspot_com] ‘

  27. piqued Says:

    Thanks JQW

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know about a newsletter. I thought they were the photoshopping tits on stuff people? Does this mean I win a prize?

  29. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Lembit…’ang on, who’s doing the stalking ‘ere? *PLUG* Just because I’ve arranged for him to give a talk at UCL in October with dinner first *PLUG*.

  30. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Best headline of the week:

    “Blind Frenchman fined for drunk driving”

  31. charliemingles Says:

    I dont watch any of these shows. But I can tell merely by listening to your voices what tall handsome erudite stallions of men you all obviously are.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    I’m sure they’ll be rushing to sign up, JQW.

    NC – It means you’ll suddenly get a massive amount of readers for a fair old while…

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Great. More fucking comments to field.

    Charlie – I certainly wouldn’t describe the half-dead specimen known as Piqued as a ‘handsome erudite stallion’. ‘Boot-faced, barely intelligible knackers-yard candidate’ p’raps …

  34. piqued Says:

    Yes, coming from the one that sounds like Lemmy the Stable Hand I find that a bit rich

  35. Swineshead Says:

    When can we look forward to JQW’s podcast, by the way? I quite fancy listening to a posh teenager talking to himself about the Liberal Democrats in a manky halls of residence. I can’t be alone in that, surely?

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I would say my voice is ‘distinctive’, actually. ‘Farmyard distinctive’ maybe? Or ‘Throat cancer distinctive’ perhaps?

    At least I’m not nearly dead like you.

    Unless I have actually got throat cancer, in which case, HOW COULD YOU, YOU BEASTLY MAN?

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m certainly wetting my chops at the prospect. Indeed, the mucus is dribbling straight through the gaps where my teeth used to be and soaking my manky grey cardigan right through to my dirty shirt.

    Any chance of another photo from Saturday night?

  38. piqued Says:

    I think JQW should go to the UCL talk dressed up as Gabriela Irimia, right as Lembit is mid way through his speech scream ‘CHEEKY CHEEKY’ break the cunts jaw and shit into his wonky mouth

  39. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Got me own flat fanks. I shan’t be doing one because I generally find ’em a bit rubbish.

  40. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


    I shall be bringing you some boundary-pushing delights at some point though. When I can be arsed.

  41. piqued Says:

    You don’t have throat cancer NC, nothing could live in you, yeah, U R A MONSTROS

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but YOU haven’t actually got your own flat, have you? Daddy got you the flat with his money, yes? Not like my flat, which I had to use my own money to acquire.


  43. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Well I’m glad that’s cleared up. The pain I’ve had at the back of my throat for the last three months had really started to play on my nerves. Now you’ve reassured me it’s not throat cancer, I’ll cancel my doctor’s appointment and get on with the rest of what I hope will be a long, happy and pain-free life.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Mr Chipz and Napoleon, pre-recording:


  45. piqued Says:

    NC, if this kicks off I have your back again yeah

    *stands there giggling with SH*

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Had I been drinking in that photo?

    Piqued – I’m not sure how effective your support will be after the last time. I’ll bear your offer in mind if I need someone to hold my drink whilst I get my head kicked in alone.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I wish there’d been a proper ruck.

  48. piqued Says:

    You won’t be alone mate! I’ll be watching, I promise

    I’ve eagle eyes me*

    *when I’ve my glasses on

  49. piqued Says:

    There would’ve been no ruck SH, no one wants to fuck with The Piqued yeah

    One glance of my steely gaze the nutter went in looking afraid and the manager came out and shock my hand, know why?


  50. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nope, paying it all meself out of my own work and the horrendous gaping government debt I’m accruing, thanks.

  51. Swineshead Says:

    One look at your shiny, Knock-Off Nigel running shoes and he’d have burst out laughing like the rest of us.

  52. charliemingles Says:

    Napoleon – I’d already had you marked down as a jam-faced gummy northern twat.

    But in that podcast you sound almost civilised. Its amazing what they can do with modern technology. SH you must have that new ‘twat-filter’ that apple have just released on prototype.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Is that the tax-free loan you get from the government? Cushy little number, that.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on JQW – you’re paying a mortgage with your student loan?
    They gave you a mortgage under those circumstances?


  55. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Tax-free unless you try to get a job during term-time. Then they tax the fuck out of you. They tax that fuck right out. It’s fine, just means I have no holidays because I have to work like a slave.

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    When I say it’s mine, I do mean renting, naturally.

  57. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s expensive enough renting at the top of tottenham court road as it is, never mind bloody buying.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Right, so you’re just like every other student in the land then.

    A pain in the arse.

  59. piqued Says:


  60. Swineshead Says:

    Why’re you living there then? That’s premium property, that is.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Pater can afford it.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Cheap studios around there cost around 350 per week, I’ve just discovered, which would be a monthly rent of at least a grand four hundred.

    No way will a student loan and bar job cover that.

    Let’s have some honesty round here, please. At least Piqued ADMITS he’s an alcoholic.

  63. george Says:

    I like all the ‘students robbing our taxes’ jibes students get from WORKING MEN. Are they grounded in any type of reality? I remember getting a loan, to be paid back when I earned a certain amount, but that’s about it. Is it the same as ‘asylum seeker tax’?

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Walking distance from UCL – To live anywhere convenient it’s bloody expensive. That or you live somewhere inconvenient and make up the difference in cost with commuting costs. And then you’re late all the time.

  65. The Tombstone Says:

    You guys all live in London then?


  66. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m almost erect with excitement.

  67. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    120 quid a week for me, thanks. And I’ll be in about 50,000 quid government debt by the time I leave university.

  68. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Helps that my landlady has a son at my college.

  69. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The oddity that came with getting a very good deal on accommodation is that she has had our flat blessed by a hindu priest who left fruit-offerings to Vishnu all round the house. Oh and put up images of Hindu gods in the hallway downstairs.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    JQW – Boo hoo. Nobody’s forcing you to go. If I had my way, you’d be £100,000 in the hole and arse-raped by fairground types.

  71. Swineshead Says:

    Lembit’ll probably lend you a fiver for your unstinting support.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Can the Lib Dems spare a fiver?

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Judging by their publicity, definitely not.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    We can find out how much Lebit gets paid though, can’t we?
    I thought these things were transparent…

  75. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Would you like me to, SH?

    *gives SH a sweetie*

  76. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I almost peaked my stiffy until JQW started ranting on. That’s that for another four months.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    He’s a fucking bore, Dave.

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Sorry about that, Dave. Do entertain us with the plot of Battlestar Galactica’s 1st series.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Hey, everyone! I’m popping to the shop. Anyone need anything? They don’t do Rolos.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll have a Turkish Delight. It’s all turned nasty in here.

  81. Dave Says:

    You’ll find I’m writing about weathergirls and wankers that wear Teenage Mutant Turtle bags now.

    But even my Battlestar post was a million, trillion times better than your bizarre, inverted musings on a woman off a cereal advert.

    One man on a mountain in Tibet laughed at that, whilst meditating.

  82. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    More hoover bags?

  83. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll see what I can do …

  84. piqued Says:

    NC, have you gone yet? I need some Windowlene, oh, he’s gone

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m back. Sorry I missed your request … but luckily, you and the readers of this site can discover a comparatively cheap way of washing their windows if they listen to the *ALL NEW* WWM podcast.

  86. Swineshead Says:

    Good point Napoleon. In fact – could you lot all whore out the podcast on your blogs – I want the world to hear the sound of four immature buffoons shouting over one another in a pokey single room.

    We could do with lapping up some of the bajillion readers NC’s n’doubt got knocking on his blog at present.

  87. george Says:

    I put a razor in the mini rolls in my companies breakout area, and told the staff that if they listen to the WWM podcast I’ll tell them which one. They say no publicity is bad publicity, right?

  88. Swineshead Says:

    While you’re about it with the razors, George – how about carving the URL of this post into a childs bare chest? Make sure you catch the nips so it screams louder.

  89. Dave Says:

    I’m actually going to go straight home and have a listen, instead of going straight to a trendy bar called Odd (repace the d’s with inverted question marks).

    The last time I listened to a Podcast was Collins & Herring, when they called my mate a ‘wanker typist’, which he wasn’t best pleased about. That was rude.

  90. badgermadge Says:

    my letting agents want me to pay them £50 to renew my contract!

  91. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – I just sent you an email by mistake. Sorry.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    £50 to renew your contract Badger? That sounds fair. Ask him to put a clause in your contract dictating that you have to pay 10p every time you flush the fucking bog.

  93. piqued Says:

    BM, they’re taking the fucking piss

    Tell them to fuck off and see what they do…

  94. Dave Says:

    Got a text from my ex-landord telling me we owed her 256 pound notes. I replied ‘see you in court’.

    Landlords, eh?

  95. piqued Says:

    NC, what’s that? Get a recipe on the podcast for Windowlene? Blimey, I wonder what other domestic educational delights await me in among the witty parlance and banter of 4 charming young men, especially me. I was the Baby Spice of the group

    *coquettishly puts finger in mouth*

    *puts on weight*

    *tries to fuck a third division football player and/or overseas millionaire*

  96. Swineshead Says:

    I got a text from my old landlord offering me a kilo of cocaine and a weekend away with him in Paris. I sent the same reply as Dave.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – My landlord bizarrely sued me when I asked for my security deposit back. So I countersued and ended up bankrupting the bastard and he lost his house. Can’t abide landlords.

  98. george Says:

    My landlord texted me asking me to please kindly stop hanging used johnnys on the washing line and to stop shitting in the sink. I text them back ‘fuck off, mum’.

  99. Andrew Collins Says:

    At last, a podcast with worse sound quality than ours.

  100. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You know, Piqued, your company might RIGHT NOW be tapping their keyboards and saying things into headsets and making all wavy lines out of your voice on a computer screen, then matching it to a whirring database of faces on a different computer and then FIRING YOU!

    Probably not, though. So don’t worry, like.

  101. george Says:

    Is that the Andrew Collins? My dad used to teach him, I think.

  102. badgermadge Says:

    i have a feeling it was in my contract… i didn’t look. but in all my years of renting (and there have been a fair few properties) i’ve never had to pay to renew… it’s fucking cheeky.

  103. Dave Says:

    “Is he one of the ones that left them bad feedback? He got what he deserved, if y’ask me.”-SH

    No. My mate’s mates with a guy that does photography that is mates with that pair so the photographer bloke asked my mate to do the lettering for the promotional images (where they look angry).

  104. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Didn’t look at your contract? What a waste – I altered mine to the extent that I have more favourable and yet countersigned items than is probably legal.

  105. Dave Says:

    Hello, Collins. I enjoy that series you write with Lee Mack. Hello!

  106. Swineshead Says:

    Was that a celebrity endorsement I saw up there?

    Well, not really, more a celebrity snipe – but we’ll take it anyway.

  107. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – it’s good to be connected, even by 17 degrees of separation.

    JQW – you are the definition of ‘smug’.

  108. Wayne Rooney Says:

    Lovely podcast guys. Keep up the good work.

  109. Swineshead Says:

    Christ – there’s another one!

  110. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    “Dave – it’s good to be connected, even by 17 degrees of separation.” – Do you advertise for Orange, SH?

    I would have said ‘twat’ rather than ‘smug’ there. Perhaps both.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Well I’d say that’s a celebrity endorsement worth its weight in gold. Shouldn’t you change the bumf to read, ‘The WWM Podcast – As Recommended By No Less A Figure Than Wayne Fucking Rooney … Read THAT And Weep, Collins.”

  112. Dave Says:

    SH – I thought you were best chums with the bloke. I don’t know him from Adam, and only stumbled upon it all because of this blog.

    The rest of this comment was unnecessarily spiteful and Dave is a spod.

  113. Jesus Christ Says:

    When I’m not too busy being played by Mel Gibson slagging off the Jews or dying a slow and painful death, I like to listen to the Watch With Mothers podcast. It’s ace!

  114. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – watch what you say – he is a friend of WWM.

    In fact, consider yourself Stalin-d.

  115. Dave Says:

    SH – I was being playful, for the love of Christ (Sorry, Christ).

    I’ve already said I love his sitcom.

  116. Jesus Christ Says:

    Yeah, fucking hell Dave, I am right here…

  117. Napoleon Says:

    I’m rather partial to that sitcom m’self. It’s a proper, old-fashioned gagfest and a laff riot – not like that rubbish you get on BB3.

  118. Dave Says:

    It’ll be a thorn upon me, Jesus. My cross to bear.

  119. Swineshead Says:

    It’s been a funny day

    (c) Ronnie Barker

  120. Napoleon Says:

    BBC3, that’s wot I done meant.

  121. Dave Says:


  122. Napoleon Says:

    Is it? Well whatever.

  123. George Says:

    Collins grew up in Northampton (and wrote a good book about it in which, despite the aforementioned childhood in Northampton, he didn’t find a single thing to complain about) and if you mess with one Northamptonian, you mess with us all. I’m going to round up Alan Carr, Jo Wiley and Bahaus and be round your house in ten minutes Dave.

  124. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Where IS Northampton?

  125. Dave Says:

    Just read the definition of spod, hadn’t come across it before. I’m saddened you feel that way. I mean, I feel that way but I look up to you SH.

  126. Napoleon Says:


  127. Napoleon Says:

    I liked that Peep Show where Mark went to the school reunion and said his bullies used to call him a ‘flod’ – a cross between a flid and a spod.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    I grew up for a large part of my childhood in Lincolnshire, George. If you’re bringing titans such as Alan Carr and Jo Wiley to the battle, then I’m rolling out the seige guns with the monstrous Mrs. Thatcher, the mighty Tennyson and Sir Isaac Newton – the inventor of gravity, no less.

  129. Dave Says:

    I’ll raise the Cheshire flag then and send in Kerry Katona, shit 90s Boyband 911 and the cat from Alice in Wonderland. You’re fucked.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t make me drag Titmus into the fray, Dave …

  131. Swineshead Says:

    He did invent gravity, didn’t he? Using only an apple and his mind. Take that, Alan Carr.

  132. Dave Says:

    I’d get David Dickinson to hold her by the tits, whilst Paula Radcliffe breaks down and pisses on her face.

  133. George Says:

    NP: That’s nothing. We killed Sir Thomas Beckett, and gave the world her who played Dorien on birds of a feather. And they gave the culture capital to Liverpool….

  134. Napoleon Says:

    George – The French killed Thomas Beckett in Kent. Don’t try it on, sunshine.

    You can gladly have Dorian.

  135. Dave Says:

    Oliver Cromwell lived in my local town for a long while. That’ll split a lot of people.

  136. charliemingles Says:

    did I miss anything in the least interesting SH? If so, can you pass on the number of the apporopriate line(s) and I will study them with mirth.

    I spent the afternoon chatting up my sexy new neighbour, who brought round some home-made lemon cake and brownies. Wish me luck. Marisa may have to get her kicks elsewhere from now on.

    As you know, here in Scotland, you only have to say ‘I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorcee thee’, three times to be young free & single again.

    I love this crazy third-world country and all who sail in her.

  137. Who Says:

    Eh? Who’s slagging off Northampton? What? Dave? I might have guessed.

    George, best till last, I’m wheeling out Des O’Connor – and he’s fucking livid.

  138. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    You missed a target – Larry Lamb off of EastEnders is the dad of the ‘incredibly’ ‘talented’ George. How They Are Connected, eh?

    But 10/10 for the use of the phrase ‘hit parade’, Napoleon.

  139. Joanne Says:

    I’ll listen to the podcast later. Perhaps. I don’t like hearing what internet people actually sound like.

    Anyway, can someone explain what the story is behind the dog with tits?

  140. VS Says:

    I thought that was an excellent and entertaining effort, chaps.
    Sorry I know nothing about property prices in London or taxes on students, did I miss a hidden subtext?

  141. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I get Richard Herring and the Wurzels.

    I’m fucked.

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