NewsGush – Too Many Cooks

by

Great news for morons from Channel 4, home of morons. As part of the Autumn schedule we’ll have even more cookery on the box as Gordon Ramsay swears very impressively (and live, dangerously enough) whilst Oliver will try and fail to change the world. Again.

Jamie Oliver travels to Rotherham to launch his latest campaign and face some of his fiercest critics in four-part documentary, Jamie’s Ministry of Food. The Channel 4 chef wants to recruit the locals to his drive to encourage home cooking at the expense of unhealthy ready meals and has taken the wartime ministry as his inspiration.

Gordon Ramsay will also be back aiming to extend the nation’s culinary repertoire, this time with a full seven-part series of Live Cookalong. 

So, if you love watching arseholes cook stuff while you eat cereal, you’ll be well catered for.

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91 Responses to “NewsGush – Too Many Cooks”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Is this sudden rush of content a bit too much?
    Maybe I should calm down.

  2. charliemingles Says:

    I think theyre all getting flashbacks to their media studies o level. I know I am.

  3. charliemingles Says:

    more gurning blow-dried cookery fuckwits on tv you say? Huzzah!

  4. charliemingles Says:

    they both look like wet burlap bags full of monkey shit to me.

    Two ball-hanging attention-whores, in my humble opinion.

    Still, id shag jamies wife though.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    She’s written a childrens book apparently. An original idea that – a celeb writing a childrens book.

  6. charliemingles Says:

    did you see maestro last night SH?

  7. charliemingles Says:

    I actually, in all seriousness applaud jamie for that school dinners attempt which I think was a sincere if pointlessly feeble attempt to change peoples eating habits. just find him irritating when the fucker cooks. or opens his mouth.

    I suspect its partly my own prejudice, but these cunts are on tv far too much. especially nork-faced cockmaster ramsay.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t see Maestro last night, I watched 3 hours of Wire. Was it as rubbish as show 2?

  9. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Chefs are mainly cocks, let’s be honest.

  10. charliemingles Says:

    yes SH – even worse. They seem to have misunderstood the appeal of reality tv. which is that we see people learning/changing. just showing the performances dosnt work so well, but its still ok tv. Why, youd almost think the BBC seriously wanted us to listen to the music. that cant be true though can it?

    I think thats true JQ, but its also just over-exposure. remember how we all wanted to beat wogan to death after his nightly chat show?

    Maybe you dont. but I do. now I sometimes hear him in the mornings and the old buffers quite likeable. of course, if I listened every day i’d go mental. again.

  11. George Says:

    True that.

    I haven’t forgiven Jamie for his War on Twizzlers. If I have to choose between Jamie and Twizzlers, I’d go for the later.

  12. charliemingles Says:

    and 3 wires SH? you amateur. how do you ever expect to compete in the 2012 wire olympics with stamina like that man. twice round the field.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    3 Wires is good going for a schoolnight.
    I’ve now on the bit where Hamsterdam’s been up and running for a while. And last night it went mental when Marlo thought he’d been set up…

    I’ll say no more as I know George is watching a pace behind me – George – I’ve given nothing away.

  14. charliemingles Says:

    It’s all a blur to me now SH old boy.

    That’s one of the drawbacks in watching a whole series in 1 or 2 sittings. Okay – they build a shrine to you in the local pub. they name drinks and children after you. but you cant for the life of you remember what happened next. and what series it happened in.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got a feeling I’ll start from the beginning when I’m finished.

    Look at this lovely man – Piqued sent me this (he’s always sending me this shit):

    http://news.bmezine.com/2008/08/25/i-want-to-be-the-bad-guy/

  16. charliemingles Says:

    Anyone planning to watch My Zinc Bed tonight? It looks like terrible pretentious shite and therefore prime reviewing fodder.

  17. charliemingles Says:

    fuck me, thats hideous. its obvious to a three-year-old that these people have a self-loathing issue, usually down to some serious abuse as a child with stuff this serious, yet theyre allowed to mutilate themselves. I’m writing to the daily telegraph.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    He can do what he wants mingles, it’s his face after all.

    *takes pickled-onion fork to filtrum*

  19. charliemingles Says:

    pickled-onion fork to filtrum? Wasnt that an unused track on vangelis’ seminal albedo 0.39 album?

    * feels sure absolutely no-one will get that joke, but types it anyway*

  20. piqued Says:

    A few things, I confess to liking watching Ramsey and Oliver. SO SUE ME, YEAH

    I saw most of Maestro yesterday, it’s utter shit. On the plus side that giggling little shithole Walsh got the boot but Goldie was bollocks yet the judges though he was okay, inverted racism? Don’t agree? SO SUE ME, YEAH

    And I agree with SH, CM SEW SU ME, YEAHR

  21. Who Says:

    A pickled onion fork? As in a special fork, fit for purpose, which mustn’t be used for spearing any other vegetable?

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Am I the only person here whose parents owned a pickled onion fork?

  23. piqued Says:

    Yes

    U SNOBZ

  24. charliemingles Says:

    no need Piqued. Why, if ebony and ivory can live to-gethur on a piano keyboard why-o-why cant we?

    I see youre still suffering from the delirium of that contract getting renewed. long may it last sir. its pretty drab down here on planet earth today.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Here y’are

    http://tinyurl.com/eatpickle-fucker

  26. piqued Says:

    U SnOBZS

  27. piqued Says:

    CM, I’ve not been able to stop fiddling with myself since last Friday

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Who’s a snob? Me? Because my parents had a 2 quid pickled onion fork?

    They just happen to like pickled onions – it’s hardly a fucking aga.

  29. piqued Says:

    Yes, because your parents had a 2 quid pickle fork and an aga and a helicopter you’re a rotten snob Sir Henckle Pingturtle-Fingerbottom (that’s SH’s real name)

  30. Swineshead Says:

    NOW LOOK HERE, I’VE AN M.A. FROM GOLDSMITHS IN HOW TO BLOW MY OWN FUCKING TRUMPET, YOU PLEB

  31. charliemingles Says:

    I believe bertie wooster had a pickled-onion fork.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    I consider myself more of a Finknottle than a Wooster.

  33. charliemingles Says:

    PQ – dont you do that every friday anyway?

    At least thats what it says here on the WWM research sheet bertie wooster gave me when I joined.

  34. charliemingles Says:

    Can we all agree on one thing? steve wright is the most irritating cunt ever to hop onboard a radiowave.

    Ive got him on in the kitchen right now, the cunt, and as soon as my cheese on toast is done hes getting kicked right in the bollocks.

  35. charliemingles Says:

    id forgotten about old finknottle. excellent choice old boy.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    http://tinyurl.com/5ej7xy

  37. piqued Says:

    Do you have an MA from Goldsnmiths SH?

    Blimey, me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    WEL EYE NEVVERSZ

    CM, two words. George Lamb

  38. charliemingles Says:

    thanks SH, that makes me feel better. although I know its not exactly controversial to say steve wright is a cunt. I’ll be saying hearsay were not a real band next. mister controversial, I say it liked I sees it y’all.

    george lamb. I couldnt listen to more than 2 minutes on the listen again function.

    thank god hes not on R2 in the afternoons and I need something to accompany my cheese toasties.

    Silence you say? the very idea, gussie old boy.

    PS: is goldsnmiths, where Psmith went?

  39. George Says:

    SH: Like a Jamaican sprinter, I’m well ahead of you having finished the fourth series. Only the lack of an internet connection has stopped me from the fifth (DVD is out 22nd of Sept, can’t bloody wait).

  40. piqued Says:

    CM, do radio 4, the play should be on now

  41. charliemingles Says:

    Dear steve

    Just thought I’d drop a quick line to say how much I Love the show, its great. A great show. Really like the show.

    PS: did I mention how much I love the show?

    Yours

    A Simpering Fuckwit

  42. charliemingles Says:

    had too much of the afternoon play. Will listen to the belle and sebastian albums Ive just downloaded.

  43. George Says:

    Someone has to.

  44. charliemingles Says:

    I do plan to listen to stephen frys new series on language though. Will stick that on just now.

  45. charliemingles Says:

    its a legal requirement here in scotland george, now were de-evolved.

  46. George Says:

    Charlie: That’s understandable, just like down here with Oasis.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t stand Belle and the Sebastienne

  48. George Says:

    I think they’re a bunch of bellends.

  49. charliemingles Says:

    What a jolly dull old place it’d be oif we all agreed chaps, thats what I say. feel free to shit on all their records. I quite like them. this might be something to do with my girlfriend. but i cant possibly comment further.

  50. piqued Says:

    I don’t like them either CM, sorry

    That twit in the hat = Twat

  51. piqued Says:

    (I do like your girlfriend though)

  52. Swineshead Says:

    ‘twit in the hat’ ?

    Who hell?

  53. charliemingles Says:

    dont apologies. I used to hate them too.

    Unfortunately, my girlfriend had their CD’s on loop when I was over at hers shagging years ago and they got in my head like a virus. Ive no idea whether I now like them because theyre quite good or its just a disease.

  54. Wenchy Says:

    I like Belle and Sebastian’s work with The Reindeer Section, but that’s about it.

    I also quite like Oliver and Ramsay. Oliver seems a bit calmer these days, and Jamie at Home is quite enjoyable. I’m not very suited to this article, am I….oops.

  55. charliemingles Says:

    You might like my girlfriend Pq. but Im not sure youd be able to perform with belle and sebastian playing in the background.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t mind Oliver so much, i have to admit, Wenchy.

    I JUST WANTED TO SEEM COOLS

  57. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    My grandmother used to get angry if we didn’t use the grape scissors and the butter knife.

  58. Wenchy Says:

    Grape scissors?!

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Wenchy beat me to that burst of exasperation.

  60. George Says:

    My parents cut bread with a meat cleaver.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    grape scissors?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  62. Wenchy Says:

    I like the way the question marks move out of the boundary of the comments there, very nice.

  63. charliemingles Says:

    thanks. it took a lot of work on my part …. and wasnt at all just an accident…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

    see?

    * stands back to admire his work*

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Yes, special scissors just for grapes.

    She’s dead now.

    Drowned when she slipped stepping onto her yacht.

    Fact.

  65. charliemingles Says:

    I have to say ‘like dylan in the movies’ is a great track. even if it does remind me of a particularly enjoyable shagging session, im failry sure thats not the only reason I like it.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    I believe one of the Romanov’s suffered the same fate. they had grape scissors and look what happened to them.

  67. charliemingles Says:

    and I defy anyone not to tap their foot along joyously to ‘im a cuckoo’ – even when its not accompanied by a cute irish girl giving you a blowjob.

  68. Wenchy Says:

    Why do grapes need scissors though? I’m genuinely interested here, honest!

    Oh, and my Nan has a pickled onion fork. She makes lots of the bad boys – and fuck me, strong enough to put hairs on your chest and no mistake.

  69. Badger Madge Says:

    Can we not talk about grapes? I ate far too many on Monday and had to crawl home yesterday from work with an agonising tummy. Still paying for it now if you know what I mean…

  70. Badger Madge Says:

    Oh, and *dons snob hat* surely the fact that one eats pickled onions automatically means they can’t be a snob.

  71. charliemingles Says:

    Im assuming theyre used to cut the stalks between the grapes wenchy. but im no grape-related expert and only studying them on a part-time basis.

  72. Who Says:

    God, you’re even posher than I thought, our JQW.

    Did your grandmother have solid silver monogrammed cocktail sticks?

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Did she have two porcelain spaniels either side of the fireplace?
    Posh people have them.

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That’s what you use ’em for. They’re utterly pointless, because you still then have to pull the grape off the stalk. Imagine the fear of being 4, sitting in a Knightsbridge basement, being watched and inspected and scolded by your alcoholic grandmother and adulterous grandfather when all you wanted to do was eat a grape.

    That’s why I’m now a rapist.

  75. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Jesus, she actually did have all of those things. And we’ve photos of me grandparents hanging out with Imelda Marcos.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    As good an excuse as any, JQW. I’m one of them because I stubbed my toe quite badly this morning.

  77. charliemingles Says:

    for me – its listening to all those belle and sebastian albums, m’lud.
    case dismissed.

    Blast! talk of posh cutlery lured the ladies in. Talk of rape sent them fleeing. who would’ve thought it?

  78. Who Says:

    If one is well healed enough to own a separate implement to disengage the grapes from their stalks, surely one can afford to pay some bugger to peel the wretched things for you, what.

    Sorry Badger, I’ll shut up with the grapes now.

  79. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Not any more. My grandad lost it all on being terrible with money, underwriting Lloyd’s, a gold-digging marriage aged 76 when he’d lost his marbles where he came out with 10% of his former cash. So I’m the hip chic no-money-inheritance-but-titles-to-come type. A wanker, as they’re known.

    You wouldn’t know me from Adam.

  80. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Do grapes really do that then? I thought that was just a myth to make me use grape scissors and not gobble down loads at once.

  81. charliemingles Says:

    john Q, I feel a website, or at the very least a blog posting on this subject as were all geniunely interested in your grandmother and her grapes.

    If not that, then surely she should at least get her own Viz column.

  82. Wenchy Says:

    I remember going to see the nice lady next door, for she was old but very nice, so Mum and moi would go to keep her company sometimes. She’s amazingly rich – beyond wildest dreams rich. Anyway, she gave me a brew and a fairy cake. She then gave me a knife, with the cake. I was about 11 at this point – what the fuck is she giving me a knife for, it’s a tiny cake? I ended up cutting it into pieces out of fear more than anything else. Now that’s posh.

  83. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No knife-edged gateau foks and bone china? Shocking, Wenchy. She’ll make a stir at Court.

  84. charliemingles Says:

    You cant compete with lord wagonwheel here Wenchy.

    Even I’ve used a cake knife is – and im scottish for heavens sake.

  85. Wenchy Says:

    But for a fairy cake?!

    I’m not posh at all, but the other bird definitely was. Although when the builders were at my parentals, they did see her run out of the house completely starkers when her hubby had popped his hip….

  86. charliemingles Says:

    Running out naked into the street when your husband pops his hip during intercourse is a sure sign of breeding Wenchy.

    In fact, I believe it automatically allows one entry to Debrettes Peerage, but Lord wagonwheeel may be able to comfirm this.

  87. Who Says:

    Yes, heed your loyal subjects JQW – we need a full inventory of Grandmama’s crockery, cruets and cutlery for starters, then we’ll travel through the ballroom to find the good stuff – priceless ancient tapestries and gun cabinets.

    *curtseys*

  88. charliemingles Says:

    your curtsey wasnt nearly low enough Who. They hate that.

    Youre on some sort of posh bildeberg group list now. thats your career over.

  89. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    My grandad was pissed off that my dad got a longer Debrett’s entry. Before he had a stroke and started thinking he was the Emperor of Japan. No joke.

  90. charliemingles Says:

    I think this information should all be saved for poshgrannysgrapes.com.

    Ive just checked sir and amazingly the domain name is still available.

    *curtseys*

  91. daveselectricblanket Says:

    SH- you’ll do yourself a mischief, you prolific bastard.

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