Cradle Snatcher & Proud

by

Seeing this show in the listings, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stomach it. I mean … Sue Perkins was doing the voice-over. Still, I’m nothing if not dedicated to my craft.

This is the latest offering in Virgin 1’s ‘… And Proud’ season and is obviously an attempt to cash in on the success of Channel Four’s recent run of highly-succesfull freakshow documentaries. My Husband is a 1987 Transit Van, and so on.

The title is self-explanatory. We met various couples, all with a wide age-difference between them, and found out what they thought and what society thought of their relationship. It’s encouraging to see that women these days have now achieved full equality-of-embarassment – there were just as many randy old women with their glasses steamed-up over young boys’ pecs as there were middle-aged men drooling over schoolgirls.

Ken is 44 and a children’s entertainer. His girlfriend, shy, timid Hannah is 17. They first met when she was best-friends with his daughter Nina and came to stay with them while she was moving schools. According to Ken, Hannah made the first move. Whether that move was made when she rolled a six and landed on Ken’s Park Lane hotel during a particularly important game of Monopoly was never mentioned. But once word got round that they were dating, his career as a children’s entertainer started to suffer and Ken and Hannah eventually had to move out of the area. I suppose it’s inevitable. Noone likes to think that their children’s entertainer is offering ‘extras’ and I dread to think what sort of material he was making his balloon animals out of.

In the past 40 years there has apparently been around a 20% increase in older women dating younger men. So, it was interesting to meet 62-year-old blonde MILF Wendy. Before bringing up your breakfast, you really should see her. Wendy is still a very attractive and sophisticated women who could easily pass for a highly-eligible 45-year-old. In fact, she was getting so much attention from young men that she wrote a book about it called, ‘The Toyboy Diaries’. From what we saw of Wendy’s lifestyle, the combination of notoriety and good looks means that she’s knee-deep in glistening pecs and baby oil every night of the week.

A gaggle of drunk, cackling 40-something women who set up the toyboywarehouse.com dating website told us ad nauseum how great it was to shag young men. Inevitably, the idea of 40 and 50-something men getting together and setting up a website of the same sort for young girls, without having molotov cocktails hurled through their windows, was never mentioned.

Chris was on holiday at Butlins with his parents aged just 18 when he fell for 50-year-old karaoke queen, Norma. Despite the enormous age difference, the two of them began a passionate affair immediately. Chris proposed to Norma three weeks later and they’ve been together for 12 years. Regardless of the age difference, they seemed like a fairly well-matched and happy couple. And Chris doesn’t really think of his wife as old. As he told us, ‘Norma doesn’t need oiling.’ All the best Chris. But no more details please, if you don’t mind.

This is all fair enough, I suppose. It’s hard enough to find someone to spend your life with without ruling someone out on the basis that they’re the wrong age. And so long as it’s all legal, I don’t see anything to worry about with any of this. But some of the stories were …well, best viewed on an empty stomach.

From MILFs we move to GILFs. Awkward chubby spectoid Simon (34) met game old bird Edna (73) a few years ago and they are now happily shacked up together. They first met when Simon was playing his organ in the local cinema [readers are invited to fill-in their own jokes here] and immediately fell in love.

Simon was still living with his parents at this point and they initially kept their relationship secret – but would speak for five to six hours on the phone every night, each conversation ending with Simon playing Edna ‘Goodnight Sweetheart’ on his organ. They both live in Weston-Super-Mare and the first time Simon kissed Edna was under the pier. Thankfully for all concerned this is merely a statement of fact and not a euphemism.

As a further tribute to his undying love, Simon is now installing an antique pipe organ the size of a swimming pool into an enormous pit in their back garden. On the bright side, what with Simon’s obsession with old organs and Edna’s irrepressible joi de vivre, if they do ever breed, the child will be assured of a long career playing the lead in touring productions of The Phantom of the Opera – probably from a very young age and without the need for make-up.

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64 Responses to “Cradle Snatcher & Proud”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    This always does my head in, older lady younger guy he should be thanking his lucky stars for the excellent blow jobs he’s getting. Older man younger girl they have to leave town because all their neighbours throw poo at him.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve brought it down a level on the first comment. Nice work…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    How is that Sinitta has not aged? Does she bathe in the menstrual blood of failed X Factor contestants?

  4. Mr.Chipz Says:

    “she doesn’t need oiling”…

    Nonsense, they ALL need oiling!! All of ’em I tell you!

  5. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Have any of our readers managed coitus within an unusual age-gap? Best keep it quiet if you broke the law though.

    And Swineshead, what the blazes is going on with HTGLN?!

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Mr Chipz – it seems you’re giving away the fact that you’re not adept at teasing the blabber-gland.

  7. Mr.Chipz Says:

    No, they all need oiling because I just like that all over greased effect.
    With an apple in the mouth.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I have nothing to do with the upkeep of that horrific site, Chipz.

    But I hear it’ll be updated later today. Something to do with Brian Blessed, apparently.

  9. charliemingles Says:

    Hey Kids! Like my Cradle Snatcher And Proud review?

    Why not try my preview of the up-and-coming big new ITV1 series ‘Lost In Austen.’

    Available just around the corner from this very cinema …

    (Thank you SH. I’m done now)

  10. charliemingles Says:

    Just be thankful Sinita and Simon Cowell never bred. Now that would be unpleasant.

    The thing would be a teenager by now too. If it then went on to breed with Peaches Geldof – surely the armageddon would pour in through the walls.

  11. charliemingles Says:

    fuck sake, ive just noticed how young that wee boy is that she’s ‘dating’ in the video. shes a female jonathan king, the poor wee thing looks terrified not to mention about 12. Skip to the last 10 seconds. chilling.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    Lost in Austen looks shite. And it’s got that terrible flappy-mouthed Jemma Rooper in it. Everything she’s been in (apart from that one that Skins ripped off) has been shite.

  13. charliemingles Says:

    I thought it sounded like a good idea. But its on ITV, so even if it is a good idea, they’ll manage to fuck it up somehow.

  14. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Look at her hefting the mighty weight of that phone, 3:03. You probably remember them days, don’t you.

  15. charliemingles Says:

    I do not remember any such thing Lord Wagonwheel sir.

    *curtseys*

    I’ll have you know I was created by Daddy Swineshead in the WWM laboratory just 6 months ago.

  16. piqued Says:

    Sinitta: sad sad eyes

    Great great thighs

  17. Wenchy Says:

    “Simon was still living with his parents at this point”

    Says it all, really.

  18. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Jesus! You’re right, the final take of that video is fucking disgusting! He’s a child…and she winks the dirty old bitch. *vomits*

    Just imagine the same shot today but with R Kelly grabbing hold of a girl of equal youthfulness…not so fucking ok now is it.

    If I see Sinitta I shall tar and feather her.

  19. The Tombstone Says:

    R Kelly is a muppet, underage sex not a good idea, a sex tape not a good idea. Combining the two, how much of an ignoramous would you have to be? Trapped in a closet was fucking ace though.

    “He’s opening the closest. He’s still in the closet. She says ‘don’t look in the closet.’ He says ‘I’m looking in the closest.’

    You can’t deny it was groundbreaking stuff.

  20. The Tombstone Says:

    And of course that last one should have been closet and not closest. Actually is it even spelt closet, don’t look right. Nap and Piqued you’re pedantic bastards help a brother out.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I liked that closet saga – it’s fucking great. Also, I think he got let off – the trial’s over. So we can welcome R Kelly back into our paedo-hatin’ hearts.

  22. Mr.Chipz Says:

    I’m sorry Swineshead, but fair’s fair…once labelled a paedo there’s no going back. It may sound harsh but I’m a fair minded man who likes mud to stick.
    That Barry George is a fucking murderer an’ all.

  23. Badger Madge Says:

    isn’t r kelly in the closet?

  24. Mr.Chipz Says:

    yes, dreaming he can fly. The paedo.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    No, Badger Madge – I think it was the midget.

  26. Nemo Flow Says:

    Up until the age of 27, I was all about the younger girls. I hit that age, my cock snapped 180 and I literally could not peel myself away from the 4-6 year older bracket.

    I actually grunt out loud with joy when I see a 30-something woman in a mini skirt.

  27. Badger Madge Says:

    i’ve always gone for older guys. not massively older but a good 5-year gap at least. the last guy i saw was a good 12 years older than me and it totally didn’t work. now i’m seeing someone my own age (27) and it’s great! *gushes*

  28. Badger Madge Says:

    SH – i was making a not-so-funny observation about RK’s not-so-secret sexual leanings.

  29. Mr.Chipz Says:

    Are you sure? You should see some of the 30-somethings in mini skirts round here. Fuck that, the 20-somethings can be alarming and all.

    Nemo, are you in your 20s then?

  30. Mr.Chipz Says:

    27 year olds make ladies gush then…now I feel insecure.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    BM – I was following up with an even-less-funny joke about the content of Trapped In The Closet.

    I went out with an 18 year old when I was 21 and felt paranoid about it… this was at the height of the News of the World paedo outrage climate, I ought to add.

  32. Badger Madge Says:

    don’t think it’s a 27-thing. think it’s a him thing *uber gush* gawd. i used to be hard…

  33. Mr.Chipz Says:

    You used to be hard?! Oh god…this is all going wrong now!

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    SH – Ha ha! To me there’s absolutely NO difference between 18 and 21. None whatsoever. In fact I’d say that 18 year olds right thru to 25 year olds are more or less the same…

  35. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    What a depressing generalisation.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    A 25 year old going out with an 18 year old would be questionable, if you ask me… especially if it was my, as yet, unborn daughter. HANDS OFF THE MINI-SWINE

  37. Swineshead Says:

    What is JQW?

    And, may I say, what a pointlessly gnomic comment from yourself, as usual.

  38. charliemingles Says:

    I agree JQ. But dont be too hard on her. shes in love. and that does weird things to your brain.

    shes old too. its probably just early onset dementia. just speak a bit louder.

    *hides birth certificate under mattress*

  39. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Wasn’t gnomic at all, SH. It fits neatly into the flow of comments as a response to Madge.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – are you saying BM is making generalisations, or am I missing something?

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – hang on – I get it, you’re disgruntled because YOU fit into the generalisation. Apologies, young ‘un.

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I did say that, just thought it was a bit gloomy to say that there’s no progression whatsoever in maturity or character from 18 to 25.

  43. charliemingles Says:

    can I defend lord wagonwheel here – and not just because I’m hoping he’ll leave me some money in his will, or at least some silver beetroot tongs or something.

    I think he makes a perfectly valid point. Way back in the mists of time, I remember being both 18 and 25 and I think there was quite a difference in my emotional maturity between those ages.

    By 25 I’d stopped peeing myself, stopped calling girls ‘mummy’ after sex and I only needed to grip onto my teddy bear Giles at the moment of climax – rather than all the way through.

  44. Wenchy Says:

    I remember a friend of mine (female) at college going out with an older bloke. We were 16. He was 27. It’s only now that I realise that, maybe, that wasn’t his smartest move.

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Just spotted this on imdb. Irony?

    Trivia for
    How to Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008)
    advertisement
    * photos * board * trailer * details

    * Toby Young, the man around whom the film is based, was banned from the set as he was reportedly annoying actors and interrupting Robert B. Weide as he tried to direct scenes.

  46. charliemingles Says:

    JQW – I think unfortunately everything toby young does is calculated.

    And if that move gets the film lots more publicity – you can be sure the scheming little bald yappy coked-up fucker was well-aware of that beforehand.

  47. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s not right when the first image result on google for his name is this:

  48. Swineshead Says:

    *vomits spontaneously*

  49. charliemingles Says:

    I think that photo proves my point above more than adequately.

    *Pushes Swineshead out of the way to vomit also*

  50. Badger Madge Says:

    when i was 18 and 25 i saw a huge difference. now, you all seem the same to me. bloody fresh faced bastards that you are.

  51. charliemingles Says:

    Thanks Madge. No-one’s called me a fresh-faced bastard for years …

    *hugs Giles tightly*

  52. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Did you just come?

  53. charliemingles Says:

    Yes, but dont fret.

    I used the special silver tongs your grandmother provided.

  54. charliemingles Says:

    and get all that dogs with tits shite off your blog and start giving us some rich mad granny stuff. thats what everybodys interested in you gimp.

    * bows gracefully*

  55. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I was worried for a minute there. Did you remember to wipe them on the freckling-doily afterwards?

    The two blokes sitting on armchairs in a shanty town watching TV in They Live – that’s what WWM is like, isn’t it? Over at WWM HQ, that is? Yes? *rocks back and forth*

  56. charliemingles Says:

    SH runs WWM from a secret underground base I believe.

    But I’ve only been there once and myself and Giles were both blindfolded.

  57. Joanne Says:

    I’m 22 and I on the whole, tend to fancy men much older than my self. Robert Downey Jr being a prime example. He’s basically twice my age and I can’t even imagine a sexier man. Helps that he’s in good shape I suppose.

  58. charliemingles Says:

    * pulls birth certificate back out from under mattress and dusts it down*

  59. charliemingles Says:

    * pops to gym*

  60. Joanne Says:

    P.S. I’ve realised that potentially makes me sound like some gold digging whore looking for a sugar daddy. Not the case, I assure you.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    *pops bank details back down sofa and weeps*

    *reaches for faithful Giles*

    …. to be continued.

  62. Badger Madge Says:

    Aged 27, the oldest bloke I’ve seen was 40 and the youngest 21. I can assure you that men (in general JQW) don’t change in that time…

  63. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m exactly the same as I was when I was 16, my friends always joke that I always act about 40, so I called their parents to give them a good telling off. Then I ate Humbugs and farted loudly.

  64. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Come to think of it, BM, did we ever actually find out the reason for your nickname?

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