NewsGush – Total Recall

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Thanks to brain-melting industry publication, Marketing Magazine, you can easily obtain figures detailing how companies compare when it comes to a thing called ‘brand recall’ – which essentially means ‘remembering adverts’. After all – it’s no good making a brain-rotting telenudge unless it’s guaranteed to burn itself into the collective synapse of the proletariat consumer, eh?

Here’re the top 10 performers – and my attempt at total recall.

Sainsburys (69%)
Easy – this is Jamie Oliver patronising people and then cooking them a third rate dinner in some suburban vision of hell on earthly terrain.

Asda (61%)
No idea. Three crates of booze for a tenner? Some arsehole in a green hat patting his arse? Ian Wright pretending to be enthusiastic about baking a loaf? Or is that Somerfield?

Dolmio (60%)
Fucking annoying puppets blabbering incomprehensibly about sauce.

Littlewoods Direct (53%)
No idea. Scrabbling for a memory, I can picture some tall girl mucking about in slow motion on a beach in a peach-coloured dress – but I think that’s just a generic mental image I’ve invented when I think of the catalogues middle aged women get through the post. I also recall many happy moments spent with the lingerie section of the Kays catalogue. Thanks again, catalogue-model girls.

L’Oreal Elvive Re-Nutrition (51%)
Is this Andie MacDowell? Or Eva Longoria? Either way, it’s a shit actress talking crap. Or it may just be a model with the speech dubbed over. In any case, hair doesn’t need nutrition. It just needs an occasional wash.

Marks & Spencer (49%)
Undoubtedly this’ll be Myleene and Claude Makelele’s wife playing silly buggers in swimsuits, in a lighthouse while an old woman and a giantess look on. Getting a bit tiresome, this campaign (if looking at this sort of thing could ever be considered tiresome).

Burger King (49%)
The Dark Knight burger. When I can’t decide what brand of coloured, flavoured offal and dung pattie  I want to stick into my gut, I let a fictional character – usually a superhero – decide for me.

Morrisons (48%)
More reasons to shop at more-reasons? Is that still going? Or is it Alan ‘Arsehole’ Hansen clutching a trolley like a zimmer-frame? I’m guessing rather than trying to remember these ads now, if you hadn’t noticed.

Vauxhall Corsa (47%)
I can’t remember car ads, ever. Has it got a car in it?
Going very fast?
It has?
Then I won’t remember it.

Flora pro.activ (46%)
I don’t even know what this is. It’s got ‘Flora’ attached so I assume it’s margarine – but the weirdly punctuated and abbreviated bit at the end leads me to assume it’s a futuristic margarine that makes your bones robotic or something. This sort of branding makes me hit spread-autopilot and reach for the Utterly Butterly out of brain-freeze confusion.

The end

Scientific Conclusion:

We only remember adverts if they’re hugely patronising, if they feature women in bikinis or if they’ve got puppets talking with very strong, affected italian accents in them.

I think we’ve all learned something today.

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22 Responses to “NewsGush – Total Recall”

  1. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Did you make that image? That’s rather nicely done, that is.

  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Actually, isn’t that some sort of famous art thing? I can’t remember. Maybe if there’d be an advert…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    It’s from They Live – the best film to feature a WWF star as the lead EVER.

  4. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Plus that film’s available to watch for free on google video. Bagged!

  5. Swineshead Says:

    It’s bloody great. Social commentary AND a completely needless ten minute wrestling scene.

  6. The Tombstone Says:

    Surely See No Evil is the best WWF/E wrestler film. Kane pulling people’s eyes out and having a wank, can’t beat it.

  7. Wenchy Says:

    Speaking of adverts – has anyone seen the recent Orangina one? Because it’s seriously disturbing for a soft drink advert.

  8. indy Says:

    sh: It’s from They Live – the best film to feature a WWF star as the lead EVER.

    what about the scorpion king?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – The Scorpion King – is that the one with Tia Carrere (or however you spell it)

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Wenchy – I’ve seen the one for still Fanta. Which sounds, to my mind, like it’s for orange squash.

  11. Badger Madge Says:

    didn’t someone blog about the Corsa ads the other day. Or were you being funny? *SOH bypass*

  12. Wenchy Says:

    This is the Orangina one:

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-eL06dz1Ymg

    Work safe, but weird.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    You’re right – BM – but even that vanishes from my mind. Because it’s about cars.

  14. charliemingles Says:

    That Orangina ad is obviously inspired by Second Life Wenchy.

    If youve ever been in there its just wall-to-wall tall goths chatting up animals dressed in designer clothes. I doubt theres anyone over 9 in there.

  15. Wenchy Says:

    I’ve heard of Second Life, never played it…sound like great fun! Ahem.

    Seriously though, Bambi with tits? NO NO NO!

  16. piqued Says:

    That Origina advert is fucking dreadful, lap dancing animals? What the fuck is going on? How is it possible to sexualise a fucking deer or whatever it’s supposed to be… Is nothing safe from the Jordan-effect?

  17. charliemingles Says:

    worth having a look for half an hour wenchy. you’ll get bored after that though.

    the flying bit is fun.

  18. indy Says:

    sh: i think you’re thinking about “kull the conquerer” when it comes to the lovely tia carrerererererea

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll look that one up, indy – oh one who is knowledgeable when it comes to shitty films.

  20. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Second Life is terrible and feels utterly futile, don’t bother.

    “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum!” – that’s fantastic terrible writing.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    That kick ass /chew bubblegum line used to be my facebook slogan thing. It’s not any more.

  22. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    No, something about ideas above your station. What a shame.

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