NewsGush: Massive?


Presumably to fill the Two Pints-shaped hole in the schedules (currently being filled with thousands of episodes of Family Guy), BBC3 have commissioned Massive.

Massive is a new comedy series on BBC Three starring Ralf Little (Two Pints Of Lager, The Royle Family), Carl Rice (Scallywagga) and Johnny Vegas (Ideal, Benidorm). 

Danny (Ralf Little) and Seamus (Carl Rice) bonded over Oasis in ’94 and have been best mates ever since. Both Manchester born-and-bred, both mid-twenties and both temping in dead-end jobs, they’re united by one all-consuming passion: music.

Inspired by the city’s local heroes – Tony Wilson, Joy Division, The Happy Mondays – the lads wile away the dreary office hours dreaming of their own record label.
But while they put in the footwork when it comes to gigs (three a week) and beer (considerably more than that) time is ticking by and they’re on the road to nowhere.

That is until Danny’s gran pops her clogs. The mad old bat leaves him £10,000 and Danny doesn’t hesitate – he and Shay are going to have their label.
The lads jack in their jobs and find an office by the canal. Now all they’ve got to do is unearth the next Oasis and have a hit record…

Ralf ‘Two Pints’ Little, for my money, has forever blotted his tattered copybook with that pile of shit he kept starring in. Apart from Ideal, Johnny Vegas hasn’t really found a TV vehicle that suits him. So can we hold out much hope for this?

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130 Responses to “NewsGush: Massive?”

  1. indy Says:

    “Two Pints-shaped whole”

  2. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this bloody ‘NewsGush’ all about? I can’t keep up with all these new-fangled innovations.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Indy – what’re you talking about?

    Napoleon – it’s news. News items. Difficult to get your head around, I know.

  4. charliemingles Says:

    I thought Ideal was terrible, Im afraid. And find Johnny Vegas just about the most irritating twat to ever slouch across my tv screen.

    Still, I like puppies and kittens.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Reading that press release again, this Massive show could reach the dizzy comedy heights of that Delbert Wilkins thing Lenny Henry did in the 80s.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    It looks shit, doesn’t it?

    Consider this an early warning.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t take well to change, Swineshead. You’ve been fiddling about, you fiddler.

  8. charliemingles Says:

    Ralph little is to sitcoms what jo brand is to gameshows and just about everything else she appears on. ie an indication that it is going to be shite.

    Despite her protestations of principle back in the 80’s, the woman will obviously do any old shite that they pay her for and should have lost any credentials to political or artistic integrity decades ago.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I just thought two or three conversation-pieces a day might be better than one. Get used to it, you ballbag.

  10. charliemingles Says:

    It’s lucky you don’t have a job where you actually have to work for a living Swineshead, you lucky dog.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Jo Brand’s alright these days. She’s lost all the ‘men-are-shit’ bravado.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    You’ll give up on this notion of yours soon enough. You’ve no staying-power, that’s your problem. Mark my words, fans of this new NewsGush malarky: It won’t last.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve stamina to spare, you ignoramous – haven’t you seen how healthy the Friday fucking question is?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Having said that – it’ll be a quiet week next week.

  15. charliemingles Says:

    Yes, she’s lost the ‘men are shite stuff’ SH.

    But even she could see that was wearing thin. I’m ignoring obvious stuff about her appearance and cake/men gags and concentrating purely on the important stuff. ie that she appears in anything and is rarely if ever funny, and in fact usually seems like a torn-faced old bag.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    On holiday, are we? Lazy bastard.

  17. piqued Says:

    NC, do you remember Paul Squire?

  18. piqued Says:

    In other news I’m eating a Marathon, sorry Snickers and it tastes of farts

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t he a comedian? I vaguely recall the name … though I could be thinking of someone I went to school with.

  20. piqued Says:

    He was NC, nice one, gets a mention in The Young Ones

    ITV really built him up and dropped him like a hot egg and he disappeared into utter obscurity

    Anyway, he’s sat on my knee thumbing my scrotum

  21. Napoleon Says:

    A chip shop santa claus tried that on with me once. They used to be so much more ‘hands-on’ in the late 70s and early 80s.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Santa sat on your knee?

  23. charliemingles Says:

    Is that katy Brand show as utterly appalling as it looks in the trailers?

    thats the great thing about trailers.

    Sometimes, often even, they show you just enough to confirm something is well worth avoiding like the plague.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    No, I sat on his. Should have read Piqued’s comment properly. Anyway, he was a right bastard. I imagine he’d have his house burnt down nowadays, but then he was just known in the local community as a dirty old man (paedophile) who ‘wanted to do his bit for the kiddies come Christmas’ (yes, fiddle with them).

  25. charliemingles Says:

    Still, she’s got a nice set of knockers on her.

    * at the sound of the trombone, wiggles glasses and slaps back of head*

  26. The Tombstone Says:

    This show looks awesome, I love Ralf Little, I love Two Pints, I love Johnny Vegas, I love Ideal. I loved 24 Hour Party People. This show is going to rule.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    You love Two Pints?

    *steps out of the way*

  28. charliemingles Says:

    shouldnt that be ROOL, Tombstone?

    If youre going to have the taste of a teenage idiot, you should at least be spelling like one.

  29. The Tombstone Says:

    I admit it, I’m The Tombstone and I like Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. I find it very funny, it makes me and my friends laugh. I enjoy watching stupid chavs fail to a laugh track. I like Ralf Little, I like Will Mellor and the whole show was awesome. A lot of my friends like it and we’re in our early 20’s. My mum loves it as well.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    *Hands tombstone a better shovel so he can get the job done quicker*

  31. charliemingles Says:

    is your mum also in her early 20’s? how does that work?

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Awesome? Grand Canyon awesome?

  33. piqued Says:

    Let me share this with you

    I’d not had sweetcorn in age until an 3/4 of an hour ago in a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich

    Just taken a trog and on the post evacuation clean up operation there was a clod of cob on the bum fodder

    I reckon I should get an Olympic Gold for that

  34. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued, I believe that plot line featured in a very amoozin episode of two pints, but tombstone is more of an expert than I.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Are you sure it wasn’t a lump of intestinal melanoma you knocked off with spikey shit? I’d get to the doctor’s.

  36. The Tombstone Says:

    She had me when she was a baby, or she is in her early 50’s and I never included her in the early 20’s age bracket, but included her as an additional fan rather than with me and my friends. Whichever takes your fancy.

    The Grand Canyon is just a stupid hole, this is a really funny sitcom.

    I don’t think an electric digger could get me in this hole faster than I’m doing by myself. Can I go back in time and pretend not to like the show?

  37. charliemingles Says:

    Tombstone, this sort of petty bullying and pulling to bits someone’s personal preferences and self-esteem, is the nearest you’ll get to a ‘welcome to the site’ so I’d just lie back and enjoy it.

  38. The Tombstone Says:

    *Lies back*

    *Waits for enjoyment to begin*

  39. charliemingles Says:

    I do quite fancy natalie cassidy though. And that wee tarty one with the ponytail.

    I occassionally watch with the sound turned down – with both curtains and foreskin drawn.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    Sonia off Eastenders? Is she in Two Pints now?

  41. charliemingles Says:

    sonia? tarty? you definitely need a holiday Swineshead.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Natalie Cassidy was Sonia in Eastenders… or did you mention that for no good reason? Was it just a spontaneous admission?

  43. The Tombstone Says:

    All 3 of the girls in it are fit.

  44. charliemingles Says:

    natalile something. curly hair, nice tits.

  45. piqued Says:

    No NC, it was definitely some sweetc…

    *does the maths*

    *calls 999*

  46. charliemingles Says:

    natalie Casey – apparantly

  47. The Tombstone Says:

    And he means Natalie Casey, of Hollyoakes and getting into the charts with “Chick Chick Chick Chick Chick” as a child fame.

  48. Nick T Says:

    Ideal was one of the best (best) sit-coms of laster year.

    Two pints is Holyoaks without the laughs.

    Katy Brand is demented and unfunny.

  49. charliemingles Says:

    and here was me telling everyone down the pub I really fancied natalie cassidy like fuck. no wonder they all moved their chairs to the other side of the room.

    I thought it was just because Id spontaneously shit myself again.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    I agree Nick, the first series of Ideal was brilliant stuff. Especially for those of us who have wasted a year or two of our lives living in shabby accomodation smoking crap weed.

  51. The Tombstone Says:

    Agree with you on Ideal and Katy Brand. Disagree with you on Two Pints and the Oakes they’re both funny, one intentionaly one because it’s crap. Hollyoakes is pretty good though, chav models given overly dramatic storylines they can’t handle, what’s not to love.

  52. piqued Says:


  53. The Tombstone Says:

    Shall we have a whip round for some flowers, or just steal his stuff? Or both?

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone, please shut up about 2POLAAPOC. George likes Friends but he doesn’t get on about it. I’m sure we all have something in our televisual viewing we’re a bit ashamed of. Piqued watches Lost, for Christ’s sakes.

  55. charliemingles Says:

    I wonder if any non-stoner has ever watched that show and found it in the least bit funny. I doubt it.

  56. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued, I believe that means my expedition beats yours. you being dead and all.

  57. George Says:

    Is Two Pints worse then Friends?

    Please say yes.

  58. charliemingles Says:

    yes Tombstone. I, for example, love the work of Frasier. ( oh dont start that again, they all cry, In vain) I know Frasier himself is a twat and not the least amusing. But martin and Niles have some of the best comedy timing and comic writing you can find anywhere.

    And Swineshead loves jim davidsons meisterwork ‘Elephant & castle’. And is, i believe chairman of the fanclub and website.

    So you see weve all got our skeletons.

  59. The Tombstone Says:

    I promise I will never mention Two Pints again unless it is to defend it against some blackguard with poor taste.

    I’m not a stoner and I loved Ideal. Although I’m not a chav and I love *that show I can’t mention*

  60. George Says:

    Charlie, Which show?

  61. Swineshead Says:

    That is a lie. However, I freely admit to watching Big Brother. Make of that what you will.

  62. The Tombstone Says:

    I like Friends and Frasier as well. Maybe I like too much television to be here.

  63. piqued Says:

    I used to watch Lost, SH (it went on to Sky and I’m not given that cunt Murdoch a fucking Penny of my dole)

  64. The Tombstone Says:

    Now big brother makes me want to pull my eyes out, I thought you only watch it to slag it off here though?

  65. The Tombstone Says:

    Ooh I hate Lost, and Heroes any of that expensive, pretentious overblown American rubbish. Now Dexter, that’s a fucking show.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    Tombstone old boy: you are both an educated sophisticated young man and a complete fucking imbecile. How do you manage to navigate through life operating at such extremes of polarity.

    Do you need electro-magnets attached to you at all times?

  67. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Piqued old son, I undersold you there.

  68. The Tombstone Says:

    The funniest thing is that you’re not the first person to tell me that. Apart from the magnets thing.

  69. charliemingles Says:

    george, I think that was the name of some vehicle for jim davidson in the 80’s.

    He ran a pub or something. I never watched it, but as I say, Swineshead has all the details.

    Of course, the only appropriate vehicle for Jim davidson isa hearse.

  70. The Tombstone Says:

    Why is Charlie allowed to wish death on Jim Davidson but I can’t wish death on Marsh and Jordan? Or was it the method of death?

  71. George Says:

    Aaaaah. I thought you were trying to insinuate that only stoners like ideal.

  72. The Tombstone Says:

    He was wasn’t he?

  73. Swineshead Says:

    George and I are a proud stoners alliance.

    Tombstone – obviously it’s the method of death.

  74. charliemingles Says:

    yes, I was george. absolutely. I think we were talking at cross-purposes.

    But I guess you must be used to that. what with injecting all that marajaroonie and what not.

    *resumes reading Daily Mail*

  75. George Says:

    I was just outside having a fag and talking to one of our trainee security guards, he was moaning about how he had to be stationed at B&Q and ‘watch all the blacks and Asians fight.’ I was wondering, anybody know if Dave’s in Northampton today?

  76. piqued Says:

    … you’d never knowingly do that SH

  77. George Says:

    That would explain it. Sorry I got confused, I’ve been getting wicked schizophrenia off of this super-skunkoid.

    Just so you know, I’ve never met a stoner that liked Ideal. I should know, I’ve met at least 2.

  78. The Tombstone Says:

    I’ve never met a real stoner. What are they really like?

  79. charliemingles Says:

    Tombstone, if you really want to know the effects of such intoxicants, just take a look at George’s picture.

    The rest of them are just cartoons. That one is actually a photo.

    Think on young man.

    And you can also tell from the blue smoke. and the kaftans.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – they tend to stay in so unless you go round you’ll probably not find out.

  81. piqued Says:

    He’s right TS, they’re like Hamsters. They’re always in

  82. The Tombstone Says:

    I tend to stay in as well, very aggoraphobic me. I’m alright when I’ve got a routine but I tend to avoid going out unless absolutely neccessary. I guess me and stoners will never meet.

  83. charliemingles Says:

    Headline today from the Huffington Post: Michael Jackson Turns 50.

    I thought he’d only turned two – and even then he had to bribe the parents to shut up about it.

    and in other news …

  84. charliemingles Says:

  85. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Ralf Little once made a knowing comment about older women to me. I bloody wish I *had* – sigh…

  86. charliemingles Says:

    I love a bit of ACDC Edna.

    Angus’ Gibson SG could punch a hole in the space-time continuum if Stephen Hawkin was good enough to point him towards it.

  87. charliemingles Says:

    hes not called ‘little’ for nothing edna. thats what I hear on the street.

  88. Edna Welthorpe Says:


  89. The Tombstone Says:

    I just read that article about tourettes. AIDS is mentioned in the comments, and made light of. You’re all in with each other aren’t you? And you publish peoples’ email addresses when they disagree with you.


  90. charliemingles Says:

    is that a gnrrr of desire, regret or anger. or all three. I can never tell.

  91. charliemingles Says:

    what the flipping blinky are you on about Tombstone? no wonder you never get out. the doors are obviously locked from the outside.

  92. The Tombstone Says:

    Yeah I did wonder why those doctors were watching me wank through the hatch. I’m on about hypocrisy (sic) of the hightest order.


  93. The Tombstone Says:

    And highest not hightest.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – it’s all about context. Personally I can’t see how AIDS relates to a post about a Ralf Little sitcom, so can you grow the fuck up?


  95. Swineshead Says:

    Seriously – Tombstone – please stop that unfunny ‘Aids’ signature thing.

  96. charliemingles Says:

    I notice with interest that Massive has the involvement of the creative collossus that is Kenton Allen, brother of keith.

    Were assuredly in safe hands.

  97. Swineshead Says:

    Jobs for boys, Mingles.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    In the honourable world that is the Meedyu?

    Surely someone’s been asking questions in the House SH?

  99. The Tombstone Says:

    Hmm, not convinced even you believe the context bollocks you’re saying. Although I guess letting it go seems to be my best course of action, you being the moderator and all. Plus I’m sure if I disagree sufficiently with you you’ll get huffy and break your rules by publishing my email address.

    And it’s not a signature. And I am grown up *sticks tongue out*.

  100. Swineshead Says:


  101. piqued Says:

    Hundreth comment, YESsssSS

  102. The Tombstone Says:

    Don’t yawn at me son, I let it go.

  103. piqued Says:

    Tombstone you’re behaving like a tit

    There is a graveyard of people that used to post on here, they start off fine, get a bit confident and starting acting up

    Don’t bother eh? It’s Friday

  104. George Says:

    Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!


  105. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued’s right… let’s all be friendly. Can’t really see the point of coming in, fitting in, then fucking it up on purpose.

    Some people do that in the real world, they’re called sociopaths.

    I do try my hardest not to be too strict on the comments, after all. I’m like a big lovable Uncle Joe type.

  106. piqued Says:


  107. charliemingles Says:

    Ive no idea what any of that is about either readers ………

    Tombstone, Ive just been to your myspace site.

    One fundamental problem I find with anything on myspace is that the site is so jam-packed full of utter shite ads, promos, videos, flashy-flashy look-at-thisy shite, that it takes so long to load a page – that you just give up after about 2 minutes and dont bother.

    Its still trying to load … not your fault I know.

    But I thought Id pass on this piece of consumer research for future purposes. Use it how you will.

  108. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. I am Stalin.

  109. George Says:

    Everybody on here is aware of speak you’re branes on here aren’t you? They’ve got this brilliant bit about complaints sent into the BBC about their programmes:

    “The weather presenter was heavily pregnant, which annoyed me immensely. Instead of standing there looking as if she was about to give birth, she should just go home and look after herself. Someone needs to tell her to stop being so silly.”

    Best. Complaint. Ever.

  110. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a good site that, George. He’s doing well out of it – noticed he wrote an article in liberal toilet paper rag The Guardian the other day.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Tombstone, you’re a nob. Feel free to moderate your own blog how you will, and let others do the same.

    You forget, beacuse of WWM’s success, that commenting here is a priviledge, not a right. Take heed.

    Dave x

  112. George Says:

    SH: Sorry, who’s he? I thought it was just a blog where people listed their favourite have your say comments.

  113. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – why’re you logging in as Napoleon?

    I need a holiday. I’m confused.

  114. Swineshead Says:

    George – The guy who made Speak Your Branes….

    I’m burned out. I need a break.

    *jumps out of window*

  115. Dave Says:

    Sorry – I was going to make a LOL on my blog, after he attacked one of my fans for calling my post, and I quote, ‘great’. As a result, I look like even more of a tit than usual.

  116. George Says:

    SH: Aaah, gotcha. What’s his name?

  117. Swineshead Says:


    Dave – Oh. Right.

    *pisses self out of exhaustion*

  118. The Tombstone Says:

    Woah, bit hostile. When did I say I was trying to fit in? I’m just bored at work, and you guys are more fun to talk to than my retarded colleagues.

    Thanks for the Myspace advice but how fast is your internet because it normally works fine, I guess I should get rid of some of that crap anyway.

    Plus as I’ve already said I’ve let it go, don’t agree with the hypocrisy, don’t agree with publishing people’s email addresses when you’ve stated you won’t but I really am fine with it all. I assure you I’m not the type to start shit for no reason. No need to mention it further.

    And on a more positive note I just read the article about that guy Barry trying to find the name of the song in the behind the scenes feature of The Business, funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    Now let’s all hug and I’ll be back Monday to talk shit about crap telly some more.

  119. Swineshead Says:

    I never said I don’t publish peoples email addresses, did I?

    You should see the Two Pints post… that was a winner.
    If people are being annoying I have no qualms about sticking their email up online – you’ve got to use your entire armoury, after all.
    That’s not a threat, mind you…

    Anyhow, that Tourettes post is ancient. And in some ways regrettable. I may delete it as I see your point. Since then a kind of unspecified code of conduct has come about.

    So, like you say, let’s all be nice.

  120. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Charlie, as you well know, to a woman, ‘gnnnnrrr’ can mean desire, regret or anger. or all three. Or one, or two of the above, or none. All at the same time.

  121. Swineshead Says:

    Also – Barry came back for more – I can’t remember where though.

  122. George Says:

    SH: Good article, that. He seems to love HYS for the same reason I love reading The Mail Online at lunch. Oh, I done a review on an advert. Shall I email it to your usual address?

  123. Nemo Flow Says:

    Didn’t bother reading any of the other posts.

    The TV show looks shit (that was already your angle, so I am going along with what you say)

    Seems a bit odd they are mid-twenties, if they bonded over Oasis in 1994. More like very late Twenties, early 30’s…

    Anyway. It is shit.

  124. Swineshead Says:

    Email away George. In fact, do so tonight, it’ll help me out.

    Tombstone – More Barry here:

  125. George Says:

    SH: sent it to the same email I did last time. Hope it’s OK.

  126. charliemingles Says:

    Edna – I think you just repeated what I already said. Do you really hoover with no knickers on?

    grrrrrr …………..

  127. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    What can he mean?

  128. charliemingles Says:

    I left the ‘n’ out from the ‘gnnnrr’ deliberately, as I think we can be more informal at this point in our relationship Edna.

    Remember I’ve seen you hoovering your front room without knickers and that’s practically marriage where I come from up here in Scotchland.

    I’m also playing Strip Alphabet …

    You should see me when I get down to my ‘rrr’s’

  129. The Tombstone Says:

    Well I’m glad all that’s sorted. At the risk of pissing on myself after I’ve had a shower I should point out that it’s not that you have said that you don’t publish people’s email addresses, it’s that when you make a post it says “Mail (will not be published) (required)”. Therefore if you then publish it you must be breaching some kind of rules, I really don’t want to be a twat about how you run the blog but it just really seems unfair to do this, no matter how twatty, chavvy most Two Pints fans are.

    *Has another shower as he appears to be covered in piss*

  130. nikon Says:


    […]NewsGush: Massive? « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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