Denise Richards: It’s Complicated

by

Except it’s not. It’s not complicated in the slightest. It’s about as easy as life can get; money in the bank, nice house, a gaggle of fawning lackeys at your beck and call, a live-in father raising your kids for you and a lucrative TV contract that enables you to spend your whole day choosing outfits, getting tans and dating rock stars. It’s not exactly Sophie’s Choice, is it?

I’d like to see Denise Richards living a genuinely complicated life – rising debts, wayward children, two jobs and the impending threat of a house repossession. Then we’d see just how real reality can be as this pointless, silver spooned pair of tits struggles to come to terms with the fact that she’s not the most important person in the world after all. That, my dear, would be complicated.

You remember Denise Richards, right? She was in a couple of films that did quite well at the tail end of the Nineties – one in which she was famously hoodwinked into playing straight when it was really a satire and another where she almost got her tits out. After that she was voted the worst Bond girl ever for her role in one of the worst Bond films ever, then married Charlie Sheen, showed her fanny in Playboy and promptly lost her acting career for being generally rubbish at acting. And where do forgotten starlets without a modicum of talent end up when they die?

Reality TV.

“I’m not the girl from Wild Things’ she intones repetitively, “I’m not the Bond girl” as if they were characters of such staggering artistic importance that the lines between her and them were so blurred people mistook her for a murderous teenager or, um, nuclear scientist (who wears hotpants) on a daily basis. She spends hours Googling herself, comparing online lists of who she’s fucked with her assistant and berating tabloid journalists for not printing the correct gossip about her.

Flitting around LA and being a callous bitch to all she meets, Denise ably demonstrating that Hollywood is an empty vacuous place populated by airfilled dunderheads convinced they are the second coming of Marilyn Monroe. She’s a sad and lonely wayward soul, a woman of such collosal insignificance she has already morphed into Norma Desmond, taking people firmly by the arm and stammering loudly that she “used to be in pictures” while showing you unpleasant photos of her malformed breasts.

As per all-these-fucking-shows it’s as contrived and scripted as an HBO special; staged arguments, opportunistic photocalls and just enough blurred out nudity that a web-banned teenager could possible crack one off over a freezeframe. Constantly denying her sexbomb image whilst posed half naked on a beach at sunset, she displays all the sexual allure of a drunk mother propositioning the paperboy. A walking bag of hypocrisy, she flaunts her children in the camera’s unblinking gaze whilst indulging in mindless self adulation and faux media shyness.

I don’t get the point of this programme; even by the usual z-list requirements of reality TV this is a purposeless exercise – she’s neither particularly famous or interesting, neither funny or endearing, neither attractive or appealing. She’s just dull, and unpleasant, and gratuitously vain; a walking example of self denial over what’s left of her rotting stardom.There’s nothing of interest or curiosity here, only a fractured psyche and a mundane life. You could pity her if you thought she had any charm, but alas her personality doesn’t even stretch that far.

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60 Responses to “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated”

  1. Mr Chipz Says:

    Who the fuck is she? Was she in Starship Troopers? She looks like she might have been.

  2. Wenchy Says:

    She seems like such a classy lady, “I can’t help that I’m attracted to hot, sexy guys with big dicks.”

    Lovely.

    It must be weird being the child of a Hollywood “star”.

  3. Toothed Varmint Says:

    she has already morphed into Norma Desmond

    Norma Desmond used to be a huge star. This vacuous waste of space never became anything more than a starlet. Norma Desmond would mop the floor with her.
    She looks kinda plasticky. I don’t mean like a result of bad plastic surgery (althouhg she does that), but like a high-street shop dummy and even less sexy. She is probably quite unpleasant in the sack.

    I wouldn’t, I’d like to believe.

  4. charliemingles Says:

    What a sad fucker. Thanks Quincy for introducing me to a seemingly beautiful woman who’s such a sad arrogant deluded fucker that that just one minute in her virtual company is enough to see how ugly she actually is. Even Charlie Sheen couldn’t stand her? That says it all right there.

    Those hollow empty bitter angry eyes. Welcome to Hell.

  5. Quincy Phd Says:

    These is how Charlie Sheens describes her:

    “a sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom”.

    Now I’m not one for needless character assassination – well, I kinda am – but when you present yourself on TV being such a horrible person you shouldn’t be too surprised when people react badly to you.

    I just don’t understand the point of the show; she’s a fucking tool with nothing of interest to say or do. Why do you have a camera in your face?

  6. Quincy Phd Says:

    That quote from Charlie comes from here, by the way, so it’s probably only half correct and rewritten to sound meaner.

    http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/latest/2008/07/29/charlie-sheen-vs-denise-richards-inside-hollywood-s-dirtiest-child-custody-battle-115875-20675700/

  7. charliemingles Says:

    Its come to something when charlie sheen is the arbiter of truth and decency. You talk as if this sort of thing was rare though.

    It reminds me when the internet first started and there were all these groups going on about how it would bring about the true democratising of information. What it brought about instead was much much more porn.

    The vast proliferation in the number of tv channels was punted as an opportunity for niche specialist programming. What we got instead was shite like this.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Despite the fact Ms. Richards is clearly an unpleasent imbecile, I still would. And after I’d finished putting this delectable Barbie doll to the sword, I’d invite you, Mr. Quincy Phd, outside for a fight for insulting my bird.

    You bastard.

  9. The Tombstone Says:

    I never reckoned she was that bad, Starship Troopers was supposed to be a bit crap and I thought she was quite good in Wild Things (although the tits might have helped). She should star in the hollywood version of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

  10. Dave Medlo Says:

    Charlie, I reckon they’re the smartest and most astute words I’ve read all day.
    Napoleon – she’s got a stupid head and warped nipples. Does that make you angry? Charge me now, but be prepared for this reality TV hottie to see you humiliated.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Balls! Look at you! You’re bald as an egg, you egg-headed balding bastard! I have a mane! A Bee-Geeian mane of magnificent hair! I’m damned if I’m being defeated by a shifty looking character who isn’t even capable of keeping hold of his own hair, d’ye hear?

    Bring it on, Medlo! Feel the fury of my cannons! Envelop yourself in a world of agonising pain as my hair and I set about you with a violence you’ll not have experienced before! Lie there broken as I saunter off back to the awful Ms. Richards’ pad, bloodied but triumphant and ready for another session on her stupid head and warped nipples.

    UP YOURS! YOU BALD PAEDOPHILE!

  12. Quincy Phd Says:

    A fair and valid point, well made and succinct – Napoleon I salute your powers of persuasion.

    Missing Swineshead, are we?

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Not really, Quincy. To be honest, it’s a relief to have one week out of the year where I’m not sent elborate e-mail traps that lead me to grotesque photographs of fat old women being put to the sword by chimpanzees. He’s a bugger for doing that.

  14. nursemyra Says:

    drunk mothers and paperboys? so that’s why my younger son was so keen to deliver the Sydney Morning Herald

    napoleon…. you sound like quite the man 🙂

  15. The Tombstone Says:

    I always wonder how anyone can move for all these reality shows going on. A celebrity goes to a coffee shop being filmed by her team, who is meeting an old friend who is being filmed by their team. The coffee shop in question is probably being filmed for a show where a coffee shop expert is turning round the fortunes of run down coffee shops. One of the camera people is being filmed for his documentary about the life of a reality TV camera man. At some point someone has to say “Enough is enough, this is crap let’s just watch repeats of Fawlty Towers again.”

  16. Dave Says:

    I liked the one in which Tara Reid went around Europe, being Tara Reid going around Europe. I like Tara Reid. She has a nipple like Australia (Tazmania included). Awesome! I’d go down under.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Who’s Tara Reid? Is she that posh one who used to crop up on telly every now and again alongside the other posh one who hasn’t got any tits? If it is her, then I don’t agree with you, Dave. She looked like a cat that’d been grabbed by the scruff of the neck, and she sounded like she had lung cancer.

    (If it’s not her, ignore all that.)

  18. Dave Says:

    No. She’s the one that lost her toe (but didn’t really) in one of those Cohen Brothers films about bowling.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, her. Right you are. I thought you meant the posh British one.

    There are so many of these tarts, it’s hard to keep up.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    I think youre maybe thinking of tamara beckwith.

    God, I know all their fucking names.

  21. Dave Says:

    That’s a given, Mingles. What being a layabout scriptwriter and all. ‘Research’, do we call it?

  22. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a dirty word in my world. Why bother with resarch when you can simply make everything up? Much easier than finding stuff out and checking ‘facts’.

  23. The Tombstone Says:

    Or you can combine research with making stuff up at the haven we call wikipedia.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I got banned from that for filling up articles about Elton John and Billy Joel with dirty words. I’m thirty-three years old.

  25. The Tombstone Says:

    There’s someone where I work who keeps doing that, I always see messages saying we’ll be banned and they know where we live and stuff because we share the same IP or whatever it’s called. Doesn’t stop him or her though, always writing fanny on the Lord of the Rings page or whatever he does. As you can see we don’t work very hard here.

  26. charliemingles Says:

    research. isnt that the excuse chris langham and peter townsend used? id prefer to stay away from such controversial terms if you dont mind dave. luckily beckwith is about 40 though.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    So you can still do it despite being banned? This is a revelation. I thought I’d be forever banished from splicing the ‘fact’ that ‘Bob Geldof smells like a moth-eaten old carpet, or a wet Chewbacca’ on Wikipedia’s article concerning the man.

  28. charliemingles Says:

    I got banned also, for cutting and pasting charlie brookers superb description of david cameron into his wikipedia entry, thus:

    There is nothing to him. He is like a hollow Easter egg with no bag of sweets inside. Cameron will say absolutely anything if he thinks it might get him elected. If a shock poll was published saying 99% of the British public were enthusiastic paedophiles, he would drive through the streets in an open-top bus surrounded by the Mini Pops.

    etc …

    Brilliant stuff Uncle Charlie.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds like every politician currently stalking the halls of the Palace of Westminster. A politician’s a transparent shitbag who’ll say anything to get your vote? Well I’ll be damned! What a staggeringly original idea!

  30. charliemingles Says:

    My latest post is here:

    http://talesfromanemptyroom.blogspot.com/

    Mockery, insults and fawning praise are all welcomed.

    You can even fraternise with the big-titted teenage girls who hang around my site – it’s those x factor reviews, theyre like catnip.

  31. The Tombstone Says:

    Yeah, they just keep warning us and pleading to stop and saying we won’t be able to do it anymore and some of these warnings are from like 2 years ago. Yet still there is some guy here who insists on writing ‘he’s a bumhead’ on Ghandi’s page and the like.

    I like Cameron better than Brown, I loved it when he said fat people were fat because they ate too much and it wasn’t anyone else’s fault but their own. He went a bit far when he said the same about the poor though, especially with M.P.s racking up the expenses.

  32. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I want Blair back. He was a liar (Bliar LOLOLOLOL!!11!!) with charisma. When he lied, it was like he was lying directly to me.

  33. charliemingles Says:

    Thats right.

    He was … the peoples liar dave

  34. piqued Says:

    Did anyone resond to Chipz’ comment, if not I will

    Yes, she was in Starship Troopers and she suited the role very well

    NC, did she show her bush off in Playboy?

  35. The Tombstone Says:

    She did suit the role well, she played a piece of wood, yes?

  36. Dave Says:

    Yes she is in Starship Troopers…..WANT TO LEARN MORE?

  37. Quincy Phd Says:

    The cast of Starship Troopers were very famously duped by the mad genius Verhoeven – they were directed to play the characters straight and had no knowledge that it was being played for laughs… thus Denisey here was cast because she was wooden and rubbish and just another identikit teen to be killed off.

  38. Dave Says:

    He also roamed naked with them during filming.

  39. The Tombstone Says:

    Anyone see Starship Troopers 2? Worth it?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, I’ve been off writing about Ted Nugent, the cunt. What’s this about Playboy?

  41. Clarry Says:

    Hello there! Long time no chittle chattle….

  42. The Tombstone Says:

    Apparently she gets it all out for Playboy, I look forward to finding out later when I won’t get weird looks/fired for the privelige (how the fuck to you spell privelige?)

  43. Quincy Phd Says:

    Starship Troopers 2 is utter rubbish, although the third one is surprisingly good…

  44. Quincy Phd Says:

    Since SH isn’t here to tell me off for adulterising the comments page, here are her body parts arranged in the most common order:

  45. The Tombstone Says:

    They made a third?!?!? Did anybody who had anything to do with the first 2 even show up or was it like Scary Movie where they all fucked off and someone revived the dead horse and said “of course it can run, just keep shocking it up the prostate”.

  46. Dave Says:

    They also made a childrens series, if memory serves which had loads of cool shit in it and shit. Fab.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I wasn’t massively impressed with the first one, let alone its sequels. No, for my money, you can’t beat The Sea Wolves. I watched that over the weekend, and it was fucking ace. And shit. Shit and ace.

  48. Quincy Phd Says:

    The 2nd one was made by some students on a budget of about 45p, but the 3rd was directed by Ed Neumeir who wrote the first one and, among others, the first Robocop. Like I said, it’s actually quite good.

    The TV show was called Roughnecks, unless I’m mistaken, and it was a CGI cartoon. Never saw it, but I trust Dave to be accurate.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    You trust Dave? Dave the racist?

    I wish Swineshead was here with his lists …

  50. Dave Says:

    Fuck off, you Zenophobe. That’s right, you say things about Buddhism that’d make a tycoon’s activist of a daughter blush into her organic cotton Free Tibet banner.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t care less about Buddhism, you arsehole. Certainly not enough to bother insulting the damned religion. For your information, you fat little insect, as a cartoonist I tend to stay away from matters of religion in case I end up causing an international shitstorm. It wouldn’t be the first time a member of the doodling community has ended up doing that, after all.

  52. Dave Says:

    Yeah, them Buddhists’d put a Fatwah on your ass for sure. You ignorant, doodling fuckwit.

  53. The Tombstone Says:

    You don’t have to be cartoonist to do that Nap, I read your guide to Europe, funny stuff if you can take a joke.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not supposed to be funny, Tombstone. It’s a searing piece of well-researched investigative journalism that concludes, after examining a massive amount of evidence, that everyone who lives in Europe is a shitbag out to meddle about with the Great British sausage.

    I’m never taken seriously, me.

  55. The Tombstone Says:

    Well if it wasn’t supposed to be funny then you score an epic fail because I looked like right nutter at work crying with laughter at my desk. Maybe if you want to be taken serious you need a more serious crusade than European meat products and the right to photoshop breast onto other people’s animals.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Ah! But it’s not their bloody meat products wot’s been buggered about with, is it? It’s ours! Strangled by a mountain of red tape by a bunch of anonymous buggers in … well, you get the picture. I’m trying to watch Holby.

  57. The Tombstone Says:

    Holby was crap so I had a shower.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Talking of mucking about with meat products, I bought some ham in Spain and it was ‘cured’ or somesuch – I took this to mean it had been ill but had been made edible using the wonders of science. ‘Cured’ it may have been, but that didn’t stop it tasting of a Frazzle fashioned from leather.

    They’re fools, these Spaniards. That’s what eating too much fish does to you.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    I had a similar buggered about with pork product in Italy. ‘Prositutio’, or something. It was like eating shoes.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    They’re idiots, these European meat production people.

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