Anti-Piracy Advert


People have been downloading too many television boxsets lately.

This is a problem for the people that make them. Well, not the people who literally make them – as anybody will remember from The Writers’ Strike, the people who literally create television series (writers, directors etc) are paid about 20 cents per £20 DVD – but somebody somewhere who gets the chunk of the DVD sales can’t afford enough coke, so something must be done.

Instead of suing children like the RIAA, FACT (The federation against copyright theft) have opted for a softer approach – namely a chirpy advert. As far as adverts from Government go, they either a) use the advert to make complying with government policy cool, or b) try to scare the living shit out of you. As this advert is for DVDs with a twelve plus rating, they don’t go down route B. So you can guess the result.

‘You wouldn’t steal a car,’ it says.

‘Of course not. I wouldn’t know where to put the crowbar and I’d be likely to electrocute myself,’ I think. The phrase appears on screen, somehow stretched into about eight or nine different MTV style cuts. The next cut shows a car, and somebody stealing it, presumably made by an epileptic schoolgirl on one hell of a sugar rush.

‘Illegal downloading is stealing,’ says the narrator.

‘No it’s not. It’s copyright violation,’ I think. So, as you can imagine, the advert doesn’t make you consider any tough moral decisions, it just patronises the shit out of you.

And, the wonderful thing about this advert is that it actually ends up having the opposite effect. It’s played at the start of most American network television boxsets, and means every time you put the DVD in, it plays. No matter if it’s the fifth, sixth, or five hundredth time you’ve seen the DVD, it plays, with the fast forwarding option disabled. So, you end up downloading more TV boxsets then you normally would just so you don’t have to sit through the annoying anti-downloading advert.

It should really have played like this:

Somebody downloads something, puts it on a disc and turns around, only to find the disc slide out of their hand, whiz across the room and decapitate their mother. The person drops to the floor, wailing, and a legend appears across the screen. ‘Downloading ruins lives. THINK.’

I’d have probably stopped downloading things by now, even if I did develop a nasty decapitation fetish.



67 Responses to “Anti-Piracy Advert”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    I thought you were on holiday, or are you writing this in Blackpool with a hankerchief on your head? I don’t download stuff for free but I did watch Superbad on Youtube, I still felt ripped off though, big pile of shit that it was. People would feel less bad about downloading stuff if cinema tickets and snacks didn’t cost a month’s wages and they didn’t pay some marginally attractive and talentless cunt a billion dollars to read out some lines that an uglier more talented chap had written for him.

  2. George Says:

    Thanks for cleaning that up, it looks a lot tighter now.

  3. mostlylouche Says:

    Argh, those adverts are awful. I wonder if they will have them at the start of Ebooks.

  4. mostlylouche Says:

    Oh and I was reminded of this –

  5. Quincy Phd Says:

    If I had the money then I’d buy all the boxsets I could ever want as, like CD’s, they look lovely on the shelf and many of them are beautiful creations in their own right. Alas I’m broke, so they come to me for free. Piracy or morality be damned.

    As for movies, well fuck ’em. Going to cinema these days is such a horrible experience I’m amazed people even bother going anymore – needless expensive, uncomfortable seats, over 30 minutes of adverts before you even get to the trailers, excessive sweet promotions, bad projection, unruly audiences and staff who won’t deal with them.

    I went to see Indiana Jones and the manager brought a fucking cart with a lamp into the cinema so they could sell more choc-ices, and started yelling throughout the trailers “does anyone want anymore sweets because we’re going in a second.”

    The moment they left the film began and it was projected at a 45 degree angle across the floor and it took 5 minutes to fix because all the projectors are manned by a timer and no staff.

    I went to see Dark Knight and the reel broke within the first minute, and when they got it back 10 minutes later we found out they’d kept the film turning and we’d missed everything that happened at the start.

    They want people to stop stealing things? Maybe they shouldn’t make the official experience so goddam unpleasant and stressful.

  6. recoder Says:

    Quite. Those unskippable yet intolerable anti-piracy ads at the beginning of DVDs is a mortal insult. They reward their customers for their honesty with inconvenience. Same with audio DRM. DRM punishes, alienates and insults the intelligence of honest consumers of their media.

    My choice as a consumer seems to be between free and easy, or not free and a pain in the ass with my intelligence insulted. God forbid that paying for something should provide added value, not reduced value.

  7. George Says:

    ‘They reward their customers for their honesty with inconvenience ‘Exactly. It’s like I was trying to point out in the article, the last place to stick an anti piracy advert is in front of a newly purchased DVD. To quote Rimmer, it’s like sticking a condom machine outside the Vatican.

  8. The Tombstone Says:

    Everything these days is the same, cinemas, public transport etc. Every year the price goes up and the quality of service goes down. This has turned into a right old moaning old bastards blog today hasn’t it. I feel like shaking my fist at some teenagers.

  9. Quincy Phd Says:

    Technically Rimmer said “you’re about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican” but I’ll let you off. Have you seen Red Dwarf is coming back for a one off special…? I loved the show as a kid but having sat through the whole series’ recently and seeing it end on such a fucking dreadful couple of seasons I’d rather the wrote the whole thing off than tarnish it some more.

  10. The Tombstone Says:

    Here here, series 6 ended perfectly and should have been left alone there. Kochanski became a toff when we all know she was a dirty scrubber and that’s why Lister related to and loved her (although they toffed her up in the books as well), then the whole premise of the show was lost when they reanimated the crew. Last human being on earth + uptight former crew member now hologram + vain and stupid human personification of a cat + senile computer + domestic droid trying to break his programming = 6 series of fucking hilarious television. Why fuck things up?

    However if the one off sees the crew killed again and it’s just them drifting through space arguing over who’s turn it is to do the washing up while battling some sort of space villian intent on killing them for some reason then I’m all for it.

  11. The Tombstone Says:

    Well not on Earth, but alive if you know what I mean.

  12. charliemingles Says:

    She’s beautiful and talented boys:

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Quincy – I think you’ll find the utterly dreadful Red Dwarf had ‘series’, not ‘seasons’.

  14. George Says:

    Agreed that the brilliant Red Dwarf died on its arse past the 6th season. Probably one of the finer sit-coms our fair isle has produced.

  15. Quincy Phd Says:

    Yeah, I know ‘seasons’ is an Americanism, but I didn’t want to use the word ‘series’ twice and have to pluralise it twice in the same sentence – didn’t seem right somehow.

  16. Quincy Phd Says:

    And Red Dwarf didn’t just die on it’s arse – it lay bleeding and rasping while spitting bile and seeping white foam for a while first. Those last 2 series are among the worst ‘comedy’ ever produced in this country… which is a shame because for a while Red Dwarf was up there with the best.

  17. The Tombstone Says:

    Utterly dreadful? You cunt, just because no one went down a hill in a bathtub.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Red Dwarf started off shit, remained shit throughout its lifetime, and died the death of a shit down the toilet of series cancellation. Anyone who liked Red Dwarf needs to be kept away from children, in my humble opinion.

  19. miker-g Says:

    Agree with comments about Red Dwarf being kack, you only have to observe the convention going t-shirt wearing cold spaghetti hoops eating (in front of computer) geekoids who like it to underline that fact ….. ahem

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Miker-G – You forget some of these characters also wank in the dark and are out-an-out racists to boot. I fear for the children if your average, light-deprived Red Dwarf fan gets his (and it will be a he) hands on ’em.

  21. The Tombstone Says:

    I like warm spaghetti hoops, I’ve never been to a convention and I wear mostly unbranded generic Primark clothes.

    I do however, wank in the dark and should probably not be around children.

    Don’t lump people who like Red Dwarf in with the SCI FI geeks, I like it for the laughs not the crap about black holes, aliens etc.

  22. The Tombstone Says:

    And I know I’ve said this a lot but who the hell wanks in the light? Or do you like people watching you or something? Pervert.

  23. Napoleon Says:


    You’re as bad as Dave, Tombstone, with your wanking in the dark.

  24. charliemingles Says:

    I only ever wank in ultra-violet light.

    Thats how the toffs do it, I believe.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Another one to add to the sex offender’s register.

  26. The Tombstone Says:

    I thought toffs were all Action Man down there.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Toffs wank in the dark to Erasure records, if memory serves.

  28. The Tombstone Says:

    So do you always turn the lights on to crack one off then Nap?

  29. charliemingles Says:

    or infra-red if Im feeling cheeky …

  30. charliemingles Says:

    what do you mean ‘down there’ tombstone. Im up in glorious scotia, I’ll have you know. where are you – the outer hebrides?

  31. Napoleon Says:

    I’m in a long-term relationship with a living, breathing woman, Tombstone. As a result, most of my masturbatory activities take place in the bathroom during the day after I’ve lied that I’m ‘just popping to the loo’. Turning the lights on would alert my other half to what I was up to.

    Only single weirdos like you and Dave wank in the dark.

  32. charliemingles Says:

    she think its less weird that you shit in the dark then napoleon.

    what sort of women do you attract?

  33. Napoleon Says:

    I shit in the light, Mingles, and I have the energy-saving light bulbs to prove it. When did I say I shat in the dark?

  34. charliemingles Says:

    ‘Turning the lights on would alert my other half to what I was up to.’

  35. The Tombstone Says:

    A living breathing woman? Cor what’s that like? Are they all warm and stuff?

  36. Napoleon Says:

    That was in reference to wanking, Mingles, not shitting. Most men in relationships with real women (as opposed to World of Warcraft avatars or Buffy the Vampire Slayer posters) will tell you it’s not done to have a wank in bed after lights out when the missus is besides you. As I can see no other reason why you’d be wanking in the dark in the first place, the activity must be performed soley by lonely, single men who are at liberty to wank in the dark as much as they please.

  37. The Tombstone Says:

    Me and my Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster are very happy, I’ll have you know. We had counselling.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Counselling? Has the poster caught you having one off the wrist when you’ve turned the lights out, and demanded couple therapy? I hear posters can be very critical of a man’s nocturnal habits once darkness descends.

  39. George Says:

    Nothing wrong with geeks. Unless you’re still in High School, or simply trying to impress a fifteen year old girl.

  40. The Tombstone Says:

    She caught me in bed with a photo of a 15 year old girl I’m trying to impress.

  41. nursemyra Says:

    you boys are sounding awfully cock sure of yourselves

  42. Dave Says:

    Welcome to the internet.

  43. Nick T Says:

    I’m still angry at Fergal Sharkey preaching about illigal downloads on Radio 4.


    He’s more pissed off that more people aren’t listening to his piss poor back catalogue.

    “Home taping is killing Music” Remember that one?

    Yeah right….

  44. charliemingles Says:

    thats a tad harsh Nick old boy. I thought the undertones early stuff was excellent. You’ve got my number is one of the all-time great guitar riffs.

    I also remember the riposte to that slogan: Home taping is skill in music.

  45. John Q Wagonwheel Says:


  46. The Tombstone Says:

    I used to love taping songs off the radio and trying not to get the blokes voice, great days.

  47. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Nobody’s stopping you doing it to this day, Tombstone. Not a single soul. The enemy’s yourself, isn’t it? Admit it. look at you, with your little iPod wotsidoodle and little leather protective case. You make me sick.

  48. The Tombstone Says:

    You’re absolutely right, I make myself sick. *Flails self while listening to 1000 Hannah Montana songs on shuffle*

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Slash, that celebrated cocaine snuffler, has also hit out at downloaders and bloggers and what-not. He reckons they should all ‘rot in jail’. Apparently the misery the drugs trade causes throughout the world is fine, but downloading some records off of the internet is a crime so heinous perpertrators should be incarcerated for the rest of their lives.

    The twit.

  50. Dave Says:

    Slash endorses the likes of Guitar Hero and tours with Velvet Revolver. Why are we listening to that shit? It’s like when The Guardian gets all huffy about Noel Gallagher. Who cares? Is this the mid-to-early 90s?

  51. George Says:

    Noel Gallagher is a grade A prick though. I like what he said about ‘kids smoking super skunk and playing computer games and getting desensitized to violence and going round killing each other.’ I do both and have never thrown a punch in my life, Noel is apparently saying he does neither and was involved in that brawl in Germany.

    Good to see you again Mr. Tann!

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Noel’s obviously getting on if he’s starting to blather like that. He’ll be blaming films for the increase in murder rates next, the fuddy duddy old git.

  53. Nick T Says:

    charliemingles, Iam a child of the sixties, the eighties was a bleak musical wastland for me with a few exceptions. Fergal and his crew weren’t one of them. I can see some of their indie appeal and there may be the odd riff I agree. That alone doesn’t give him the right to preach to me.

    Ironically I have just downloaded the enitre Charles Mingus back catalogue…..

    I want one of those Ipod “whatsidoodles”

  54. Clarry Says:

    Talking of home taping…. When I was little and my mum was a poor university student we used to do the following if we were going out and were sure to miss a favourite telly prog (but only if you were going out immediately before the programme started):

    A) Switch telly onto correct channel and leave switched on.
    B) Get tape cassette player, insert tape and press play and record.
    C) Place cassette player next to telly
    D) Go out
    E) Come back and enjoy the wonders of a recording of Brookside minus moving pictures – and it was inevitably only usually half a recording as the tape usually ran out. Us poor people really had to use our imaginations!

  55. George Says:


  56. Dave Says:

    Has anyone seen Adam Buxtons remix of said anti-piracy ad? It’s quite good and can be found on YooToob.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    Nick, I agree that the 80’s was in many ways a barren musical wasteland, I think that’s a very commonly held view.

    Luckily, the best of the Undertones, including all the great singles, youve got my number, teenage kicks etc, were recorded between 1978-79.

    As soon as they woke up on january 1st 1980, some virus obviously kicked in and they wrote shite like ‘my perfect cousin.’

    Has anyone done their PhD on this?

    On an unrelated note, have you read Charlie Mingus’ technique for training your cat to crap on the toilet?

    As bizarre and Reeves and mortimer sounding as it is, he was totally serious and it works apparantly:

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I used to do that. I’d stick a tape recorder up next to the telly so I could record Sorry! or Brush Strokes, then relive the hilarity later. Magical (and shit) days.

  59. charliemingles Says:

    thank god dads back on monday. I’m lost without him.

  60. TizerHed91 Says:

    U gay benders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
    Iv got loadz of pirate shit on my comp and I dont hav to write a fuckin pussy S.A. about it on my MUMS fucking blog.

    GET A LIFE GET A DISH WASHER!!! n Ill be out jazzin tonight whilst ut all wanking in 2 ur mums sink or Bebo wot eva u use!!!

  61. Napoleon Says:

    TizerHed91 – I’ll have a quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and a Coke, please.

  62. nursemyra Says:

    charles mingus has performed a great public service with publishing that technique 🙂

  63. The Tombstone Says:

    I want to go out ‘jazzing’ with Tizerhed. Sounds like a hoot. And what a bizzare choice of where to wank, where my mum washes up or a chav social networking site. I think I’ll hedge my bets and do both. In the dark obviously.

  64. charliemingles Says:

    murse myra – many people would say he owed people a few favours after all the jazz he inflicted on them over the years.

    not me, of course.

  65. The Tombstone Says:

    What’s the difference between a Rock musician and a Jazz musician?

    A rock musician plays 3 chords to a 1000 people and a Jazz musician plays 1000 chords to 3 people.

  66. Nick T Says:

    Let me get this right, it’s either my mum’s sink or Bebo?

    Shit, you don’t make it easy do you?

    “Bender” haven’t heard that one for years.


  67. Swineshead Says:

    Tizerhead’s our new editor and policy-maker – I see you’ve all now met.

    Tizerhead – you won’t have forgotten but for my own piece of mind I’ll remind you to bring the hard-boiled eggs and the boil lance for our 9.30 tomorrow.

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