MTV VMA Awards, 2008


You’ve probably read about this little storm in a hairy teacup in the newspapers and either a.) had a chuckle to yourself about it or b.) brushed over it, turning the page in your periodical, distinctly unimpressed. You may even have tuned in last night. If you did, I congratulate you on your bravery.

Despite the few laughs that could be gouged from the miniscule slots the host was given, the rest of it was a squalid load of crap. Mainly advertising, endless advertising – each ad break longer than the content that followed – with a few absymal performances from modern pop artists afterwards, sandwiched between shots of Britney looking confused.

Brand was on form though. Despite obvious nerves he managed to make a provocative call to action from the off, pissing off half his crowd immediately by championing Barack Obama. And then he called Bush a retard. It was interesting not in the fact that any wit was involved, more for how the likes of Britney and the Jonas Brothers looked all confused at some unabashed political provocation whilst the likes of LL Cool J and Lil’ Wayne instantly became Brand-fans, showing their love later in the show.

The highlight for me though was the constant ridiculing of the Jonas Brothers (which I noticed was cut mercilessly in the UK edit having spent time scouring the web for clips yesterday. Presumably to keep that JoBro shitheap of a band happy).

It was grand that RB didn’t leave it at mocking the ostentatious and passive aggressive practice of wearing celibacy rings, but continued a filthy tirade against the purity of the utterly unlistenable Brothers Jonas that became more and more winningly crass as it went on. You even started to pity the boys. A bit.

The defining moment, for me, was when ex-American Idol winner and award presenter ‘Jordin’ Sparks – they clearly don’t have spellcheckers in American birth registers – retorted to Brand’s celibacy-ring mockery with ‘I’d just like to say that purity rings are not stupid because not all of us want to be sluts!’ – thereby telling half her teenage audience that she thinks they’re whores if they’ve ever had a little bit of hanky panky. The fucking idiot.

The bizarre thing about the VMAs was that it was noticably split right down the centre. You had the hip hop artists on one side and the teeny pop shit on the other. Though it’s often hard to tell the difference as all genres seem fused and spliced these days (yes, I am old), it was nice to see Brand break the audience neatly into a divide, with liberal America on one side and dribbling, hypocritical funda-mentalists on the other.

And now for another fucking ad break.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

184 Responses to “MTV VMA Awards, 2008”

  1. Nick T Says:

    I will be trawling the “The Tube” for clips. Brand is a genius, I was laughing out loud (loling?) at his podcast on my way to work this morning.

    Yahoo reported him as saying afterwards “It’s only a bit of sex innit?”

    White Americans, shall we tar them all with the same stupid brush?


  2. Swineshead Says:

    All white Americans are stupid? Nah.

    It’s the ones who comprise one or more of these things that piss me off:

    Blindly anti-abortion / fundamentalist christian / creationist / republican evangelist.

    Though the latter isn’t as offensively stupid as the other three – political preference isn’t something I care to argue the toss over, generally.


  3. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see this show as I assumed it was put on the telly to amuse retards. Y’know? The sort of people who eat their dinners with plastic spoons for their own safety?

  4. charliemingles Says:

    welcome back swineshead old boy. thats all I have to say for now. didnt see this show.

  5. Goerge Says:

    God, sounds like Brand put in a good performance. Who are the Jonas Brothers?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Quite right Napoleon, TV for berks… but it featured a little controversy and thus is good for the stats. Plus, the Brand bits were entertaining.

    Mingles – ta. The Brand bits should be on the web when MTV tire of chasing the copyright aspect…

    George – he did us proud, I’d say.

  7. piqued Says:

    George, why don’t you look it up?

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Controversy? Having a go at twerps? It’s not that controversial, to be honest.

    Anyway, what does it matter? We’re all dead tomorrow.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    The twerps’ll google the incident and hopefully we might pop up, in our own little way.

    Anyhow – nice to be back and WOOF – where did that HOT piece of American ass, Michael Palin spring from? McCain kept her well hidden didn’t he?

    Would you?

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I would … though I’d have to ask her to refrain from all this fucking ‘hockey mom’ bullshit that seems to drive the Yanks into a frenzy. Maybe up against a wall – Michael Douglas fashion.

  11. piqued Says:

    What, with Michael Palin?

    No thanks, Cleese for me

  12. Napoleon Says:

    You’d bang John Cleese? With your bent over frame? You wouldn’t reach unless you stood on a box, Quasimodo.

  13. ugeine Says:

    Somebody doesn’t like Russ.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I just replied to that – thanks Ugeine… I posted your piracy post under my name by mistake, btw – fixed it now.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    If I had to bang a member of the Python crew it’d have to be the gorgeous Terry Jones – that naked pianist thing always got my loins pumping.

  16. ugeine Says:

    I posted a reply as well, though he’s got moderation on so I’m a bit sceptical. Cheers for putting my advert thing up, and for editing it as well, it reads a lot better.

  17. Dave Says:

    Nice post and glad this ship’s sailing again. I thought Britney thoroughly deserved her three awards for her half-arsed videos taht cost a fiver. Had nothing to do with PR at all- I’ll have none of it.

    I’ve been looking at loads of RB videos on YouTube because of this event and have rediscoverd my respect for him. He got far too over-exposed 18 months back and becaome, frankly, annoying. Which is a shame because he’s one of the wittiest comedians we’ve ever produced. Even if he does ring up the police pretending to be an infamous rapist. That wasn’t cool.

    So respect to Brand. And well done for backing Obama.

    Watch his Oxford clip too.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    If there was no option but to have sex with a Python, I’d go for Eric Idle. He at least looked vaguely female with a wig on.

    To be blunt though, I’d rather not have to fuck any of ’em.

  19. piqued Says:

    I did too, it has to be moderated so I should imagine, being an American -you know how they bang on about ‘democracy’ yet in practice Franco had more- he won’t publish it.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    “Well done for backing Obama”

    Why? Because he’s left-wing, and therefore somehow less evil than McCain (crash of thunder, lightning bolts, evil cackle, etc.)? Balls! Here’s how Barack Obama’s presidency will go:

    More war.
    Promises broken.
    War to cover up broken promises.
    A bit more war.

    And then some other millionaire warmonger will get in.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Political preference isn’t my bone of contention in the article, it’s the religious aspect… though I did enjoy Brand being wantonly rude and overtly political when MTV is commonly apolitical (politics kills sales for artists). The fact it was on the liberal side helps, but it was more the provocation I liked.

    Dave – what’s this about the rapist thing…? My favourite youtube clip is the one where he pisses himself in the street asking people where a launderette is.

    Napoleon – what position would you be banging Idle in then? Just so we know. Ankles at your ears, or traditional doggy dog?

  22. Dave Says:

    McCain thinks living in Alaska accounts as having foreign affairs experience because it’s near Russia.

    Anything that goes against Fox News mentality is fine by me. But, of course, there’s no real freedom of choice in democracy. I’ll second you on that, sir.


  23. Napoleon Says:

    Eyes closed, from behind, frantically thinking of England.

  24. Dave Says:

    ReBrand was a brilliant show. He spent a week doing stuff like trying to seduce a granny, humiliating a BNP member and other such far stranger things. The police thing was during a recent stand-up.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – if you can find a clip I’d like to see it. I’m not 100% keen on his stand up I have to say, I prefer his radio stuff and the TV environment – he’s best thinking on his feet rather than scripted.

    The young Nazi Russell Brand thing is really, really great. Little seen but actually a little bit moving.

  26. Swineshead Says:

  27. ugeine Says:

    That BNP episode of Re-Brand was filmed about two streets away from my old uni address. His house looked exactly the same layout as mine, he went to the same pubs and some bars along Headingley as I. It was quite scary.

  28. charliemingles Says:

    I agree over russell brand. i used to hate the twat, and he can still be annoying on tv.

    But I saw his first stand-up DVD and that was great. I also think he’s great on his R2 show. Being a very insecure show-off, he does have a tendency to overdo it, the more high-profile the event. Its nice to hear he may be getting that sorted, although I havent seem this event. But when he’s on form he is very funny.

    Personally, I’d shag Carol Cleveland. But if you want to shag palin etc, be my guest.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    She’s not part of the team, Mingles. By her own admission.

    Carol Cleveland versus Connie Booth – who wins? You decide.

  30. charliemingles Says:

    connie booth. easy.

    I only chose carol as opposed to giving john cleese one up the arse.

    Compared to another actual woman, polly with the french maids outfit, no contest.

  31. charliemingles Says:

    its good to have you back. Ive missed these highbrow media analyses

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Connie Booth had a horse’s face. I much prefer Carol – ‘specially when she’s got them floppy 70s tits trussed up in a barmaid’s outfit.

  33. charliemingles Says:

    I hardly think youre one to talk sir. Youve just told us you’d like to take eric idle up the jacksie.

    Thats what oxtail soup will do for you. the BSE has kicked in already. I’ll give you a matter of weeks.

  34. Quincy Phd Says:

    Breaking news item on the whole affair here:

    It’s all going out of control, Christian virgins are puffing mad and fans of twilight cannot believe that one of the cast members had their one lines cut off…

    Who care about political affiliation when a hunk couldn’t introduce a band?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with a bit of oxtail. Ask Connie.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t tell you I’d like to take Eric Idle up the jacksie, Mingles. I said if I was forced, I’d plump for Idle as he looked vaguely female with a wig on. I then, if you’d bothered reading my comment, went on to say I’d rather not fuck any of the buggers. There was no bloody ‘like’ about it.

    And you’re wrong about oxtail soup, you fucking Joey.

  37. charliemingles Says:

    Indeed sir.

    I look forward to a world where oxtail and tomato can live side by side in the same tin.

    Like ebony and ivory, but ideally, easier to chew.

  38. Dave Says:

    Leek and stilton’s my favourite soup but you can’t have that sod tinned. It comes close in cartons and tubs though.

  39. charliemingles Says:

    Has Sarah palin released her soup preferences yet?

    Mccain: anything through a straw is fine.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Leek and stilton? Who the fuck are you? Lord Muck of Muck Manor? Jesus, it’ll be pheasant and onion next …

  41. The Tombstone Says:

    I love how edgey Brand’s humour is, I mean George Bush – a retard? Who the hell would have made that joke, apart from everyone 8 years ago of course.

    Nice holiday Swiney?

  42. The Tombstone Says:

    And the best soup is chunky lamb and vegetable, I’ll see anyone who disagrees in a paddling pool full of the stuff in a fight to the death.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    That’s not the best soup! The best soup’s bloody oxtail, you fat bastard!

  44. Swineshead Says:

    The joke itself isn’t edgy, well-recognised ‘Tomby’.
    The audience receiving it makes it somewhat more dangerous.

    The song Borat sang at that stadium in the movie wasn’t funny in and of itself, but with that audience, it gained a bit of meaning.

    And if he’d made a joke about America allowing a retarded cowboy to be president for the last 8 years 8 years ago, he’d have sounded retarded himself.

  45. blankmetta Says:

    Swineshead: Thanks for your take on celibacy rings, I also think they’re a pretty useless tool and that Sparks was out of line. The rings weren’t really made to be something to flaunt (kind of a you’re not cool if you say you are thing), but putting them down seems just as pointless.

    Ugeine: Yes, I am American. I realize he is popular and has overcome adversity in Europe, but in America he is almost completely unknown until now, and if this is his introduction to the American people, it’s not a very good way to do it. I don’t like Bush either, but public insults is far too common these days. Thanks for the publicity to my humble blog as well 😛

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Celibacy rings bewilder me. When I was a boy, I would have given my damned virginity away to any girl who wanted it for free. I find it hard to believe a 19 year old’s swearing blind he’s not getting his end away. Are boys made differently in the USA?

  47. Who Says:

    I make a beautiful kidney and egg soup.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    I’d quite like it if an American comedian came over here, hosted the Brits and took the piss out of our establishment, so long as it was funny. Wouldn’t be a problem at all…

    As for the rings, the point is that wearing them is parading your choice to conform to Christian brainwashing. Can’t help but be reminded of the film Jesus Camp (probably easy to find bits of it on Youtube)

  49. Dave Says:

    AND, because words and their offence is a hot topic, retard is a far more sensitive word in the US than over here where Jonathan Ross uses it every week. A brave man is RB.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Americans take the piss out of us all the time (we’re all gay, see? See what they’ve done there? See?), and nobody’s bothered. Probably because a foreigner attacking the British with humour will never match the Heavyweight World Championship-winning comedy we can fire right back at ’em. Rule fucking Britannia, and God save the King!

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Kidney and egg? Disgraceful. Who, I know we’ve previously got on, but you’re a hag to me now, a hag!

  52. ugeine Says:

    SH: They do. Hicks did a bit on John Major and The Gulf war in his first televised show, and a bit on Hooligans. When I saw Simon Amstell live he took the piss out of Northampton quite a bit, which didn’t offend me much.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t see how taking the piss out of Northampton would cause you offence, Ugeine. It’s a shit hole full of backwards, inbred boobies with bandy legs and bug-eyes.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Exactly, Ugeine. I’m no big fan of Hicks but his take on British newspapers on the Word years ago was quite funny.

    We’re a thick-skinned lot, us Brits. Gawd, it makes you proud.


  55. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s not. His skin’s been thinned by a surfeit of tomato soup.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Quite, NC.

    Furthermore, I’m happy for anyone from anywhere to take the piss out of any part of our dear country if they feel the urge*. A lot of Americans seem to think they’ve something to be proud of, for some reason. Pride comes before a fall, as well all know…

    *bores self to sleep*

    *apart from Cromer

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Cromer’s a shitheap. A backwards land of bandy-legged, boggly-eyed, Norfolk oddballs wanking in the dark and laying bird’s eggs out their arses. In June, they all line up on the beach and fart out to sea – they’re so ignorant, they think the smell will stop the French from invading.

  58. blankmetta Says:

    Perhaps I was too hard on him since it was a comedy act. Although, everything I write I do from an average-joe kind of standpoint, and it wasn’t too well received here from what I’ve seen. I think his lack of popularity here clouds the fact that he’s a comedian, and therefore the big controversy. I can see the sense in poking fun of our current government (there’s a lot to make fun of), but as a British performer, I’d assume he doesn’t know a lot about the American issues and shouldn’t be representing a candidate. I think his comments would’ve been more welcome if it stuck to pop culture jokes.

  59. Dave Says:

    Sod off. I take offence at that bastard comment!

    *awaits applause*

  60. Dave Says:

    That wasn’t aimed at Blackmetta by the way, who has an opinion I’m willing to change mine to. I’ve changed it to his.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a very American view, Blankmetta. We have American issues pushed down our throats here in the UK, and probably know more about your political situation than the average Yank does. There has been more coverage of the US presidential elections here than there was for our own local ones. Most European countries get detailed news of things happening outside their own countries – unlike th US, which only seems to receive news about our royal family, or what bastards the French are.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Were you taking offence at my slandering Cromer, or your tomato soup-caused thin-skinning?

  63. Swineshead Says:

    NC – even that didn’t phase me, so I’ll change my stance to ANY part of the UK. Go on lads! Have a pop – I’ll not mind. I can take it. Maybe you’d like to niggle at Ipswich? Perhaps you feel Dorset needs a good hiding? Lay into Hunstanton, why don’t you? I couldn’t care less if you thump the living daylights out of Hull whilst throttling Aberdeen. You can stamp repeatedly on the face of Reading whilst urinating forcefully into the hairdo of Cumbria for all I care!


    everything I write I do from an average-joe kind of standpoint, and it wasn’t too well received here from what I’ve seen.

    You do realise, I hope, that your average American or British Joe is a fucking idiot? The sooner you suss that one out, the better.
    Also, I wouldn’t assume he doesn’t know about the issues. The American election gets only slightly less coverage over here than our own democratic process so we’re all overwhelmed by ‘the issues’.

    Anyhow, saying the American elections are about ‘issues’ is ludicrous, especially on the Republican side. The introduction to the world of Palin at the Republican conference was a pretty sickening example of personality politics in action.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Hey, but she’s a ‘hockey mom’, Swinehead. ‘Hockey moms’ are a breed apart, apparently. The backbone of the USA! Yeee-ha! Hotdiggity!

    And Cornwall stinks!

  65. Swineshead Says:

    What is a hockey mom, anyway?

    My mum’s a cottage pie mum. What’s your mum?

  66. blankmetta Says:

    That’s a good point, a lot of average Joe’s are pretty clueless. As the election is plagued by rhetoric instead of issues (like with Obama and Palin), I try to re-introduce the issues whenever I can. I can’t say I’ve ever seen what kind of news is played in Britain, so if you hear about it too much…sorry. 😛 If I could control the media, I would.

  67. blankmetta Says:

    Today on the news they had a Palin supporter struggling to describe a hockey mom. It was chuckle-worthy.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    A hockey mom’s a mother whose son plays ice hockey. This makes them special, for some reason only an American can explain.

    My mother’s more of a baking mum than a cottage pie mum. You could replaster the fucking ceiling with her cottage pie.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    So not even an American can give a definitive answer? Doesn’t give us much hope of cracking the riddle, over here in our shitheap of an island.

    (The people of Manchester are awful, have no manners and walk like ducks)

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Which is the worst accent in the whole of the UK?

    Blankmetta – your diplomacy is disappointing me. If you see any rabid, anti-Brand fellow Americans, could you steer them over here?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Birmingham – hands fucking down.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    That whole area, actually. Solihull, Birmingham, Wolverhampton, etc. They all sound like retarded pig farmers.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    I read an article in The Times on Sunday saying that John Entwhistle probably ultimately killed his baby and American wife as a result of his hideous Brummy accent. In some ways, I sympathise.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    It’s the accent of the gutter. Even the Scotch accent’s better than the vile drawl of the Black Country. I’d say second up is the nonsensical rubbish they speak up in Newcastle. Mind you, I’m never too sure they’re speaking English, the mulletted nob-ends. Third, the screeching vernacular of Let’s Take Offence capital of the world, Liverpool.

  75. blankmetta Says:

    I’ve changed my post to be slightly more objective and less of a personal attack. I still hate the VMAs though.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Fair dos, Blankmetta – though it wouldn’t have mattered if you’d stuck to your guns… I hear Americans are good at that. AHAHAHAHA I am funny.

    I also hate the VMAs.

    I once holidayed in North Shields, NC. Christ alone knows why.

  77. Napoleon Says:


  78. charliemingles Says:

    Brand’s material aside – what the fuck is he doing with his hair.

    Years ago, I used to go out with this goth girl who kept snakes and fed them live mice she used to first put into deep sleep by putting them in the freezer compartment of the fridge – never even took out the linda mccartney deep country pies first, the mad hoor.

    needless to say, she was good in bed, and played bass in an appaling but very sexy all-girl goth band. So I forgave her her little idioscycracies.

    But, to come to the point, she had dyed black hair and used to like me to wank in it.

    Im not proud, and after all – she did make a great sunday roast with all the trimmings.

    She was, when it came down to it, a very traditional girl that you’d take home to your mother – albeit without the matted spunk in her hair. ( I wont make that mistake again)

    I’m reminded of these small acts of love whenever I see Brand’s barnet and cant help but speculate how he gets it looking so manky.

    Though I think that theory undoubtedly applies more accurately to amy winehouse.

    Now you know who gave her the idea.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    North Shields is a shithole as well. Probably worse than Mablethorpe … hmm, no, it can’t be, can it?

    I nearly drowned in Mablethorpe. I was pissed and wearing a suit, and I fell in the sea.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    His hair’s a right fucking mess. He needs to get it cut, and then he needs a stint in the British Army, the layabout.

    Your wanking story has reminded me of something unpleasant from the annals of my own love life, Mingles. I went out with a girl who one night got the bright idea that I should cum in her eye. Needless to say, the episode only occurred once, and somehow I ended up shouldering the blame.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    I lost a good friend to a possessive girl in Mablethorpe. Always sad to see one of the gang get all loved up with a twerp and desert his pals.

    Shall we write a song about falling in the sea in a suit? If ‘yes’, I’ll write and record it tonight, hastily in about 27 minutes.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Fine by me. I’ve no truck with all this ‘writing songs over the course of a month’ nonsense. Not when you can belt ’em out in under an hour.

    I also have some cracking new ideas for podcast number two. I’ve based all of my new jingles on Levi Roots’s ‘reggae reggae sauce’ song.

    And speaking of that song, why hasn’t anyone else thought to copy the bewilderingly successful Mr. Roots when they face the fiery Dragons?

    “Put some professional IT consultancy in your organisation, with our ‘reggae reggae’ IT consultancy solutions company.”

  83. Dave Says:

    Horrifying thing is that Reggae Reggae marketing could work with absolutely anything. Reggae Reggae car insurance, Reggae Reggae worming cream and Reggae Reggae washing powder – all sound good to me.

    Levi Roots should present VMA 09.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    I went for a Thai meal one lunchtime and Levi Roots was at the table opposite. That is the end of the anecdote.

  85. Dave Says:

    Well….I met the DD losers that had a jerky company and purchased Marmite jerky from them. I interacted with my Dragons Den contestant!

  86. Napoleon Says:

    The second outing for Swineshead’s Levi Roots anecdote there. And I’m glad to see it’s not been embellished by any further information – just the basic facts. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how an anecdote should be presented. Lean, hungry and raw.

  87. charliemingles Says:

    I saw dragons den last night. its definitely jumped the shark, they all look bored.
    For a much better view, has anyone been watching the new series of american inventor?

    Some of those fuckers are mental. combining the insane self-delusion of people who think they are geniuses but clearly cant even fix a plug, with the dragons den pitch.

    Worth it, even just to see peter jones stabbing a fork into his thigh in an attempt to cry-along with the heartfelt stories.

    my new favourite band.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Was this ‘Reggae Reggae’ Marmite jerky, Dave?

    “Put some unpleasant shrivelled up meat that tastes of shit in your mouth, with our ‘Reggae Reggae’ Marmite Beef Jerky.”

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Dragon’s Den’s ‘jumped the shark’? What the hell does that mean?

  90. Swineshead Says:

  91. Dave Says:

    I think they’ve done a Happy Days special….

  92. charliemingles Says:

    by the way napoleon – wanking in the eye is pretty much a first-date event up here.

    In fact, with the credit crunch now starting to bite, many scottish women are favouring it as a cheap alternative to waterproof mascara.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Oh right, Happy Days. I fucking HATED Potsy. AND Ralph. AND Joanie. AND that wob-eyed bastard Joanie ended up marrying.

    The Fonz was, of course, the guv’nor.

  94. charliemingles Says:

    I thought jumped the shark was old hat. I must be hipper than I thought.


  95. charliemingles Says:

    have you covered ‘jumping the shark’ for sitcoms here already SH?

  96. Swineshead Says:

    The Fonz was that worst kind of paedophile, the predatory paedophile.
    I like Henry Winkler as much as the next man, but this Fonzy character was suspect.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Wouldn’t put a damned thing past your mob of howling baboons. You just wait for tomorrow, readers: when the balloon goes up, the first part of civilisation to fall apart will be north east England as a monstrous regiment of blue-arsed maniacs attack Berwick.

  98. charliemingles Says:

    it appears the two most common indicators that a US sitcom has jumped the shark ie, is has run out of ideas, is when one of the cast either:

    1. gets an identical twin

    2. takes a trip to england

    pretty much covers them all i think.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    The Fonz wasn’t a paedophile! Some of those girls were old enough to be his mother, never mind how they tried to disguise their fading looks with bobby socks, ponytails and folders clasped to their ample bosoms.

    Hmm … ample bosoms.

  100. Dave Says:

    What would the modern version of jumping the shark be?

  101. charliemingles Says:

    yes, in the words of mcadder. our women settle their differences in the traditional scottish way – wrestling bare-breasted with a baby under each arm.

    should be in the olympics. Id watch that

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Let me see if I’ve got this right …

    Would an example of this ‘jumping the shark’ malarky be one such as when Fallon was kidnapped by aliens in The Colbys?

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Taking younger (school-aged) men into your ‘office’ which turns out to be the Gents… in a cafe where you know the owner (who’s batty). It all adds up to gross paedophila in the second degree.

  104. piqued Says:

    I overheard my granddad telling my dad he though the Fonz was a ‘fucking idiot’ when it was on one Sunday

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Alright, so I’ll admit his behaviour towards his younger male friends was unorthodox, but this was the 50s. They didn’t have paedophiles in the 50s – it was all drag racing, leather jackets and Cliff going on holiday and not banging Una Stubbs whilst Melvyn Hayes watched from the back of the bus (behind a seat so Cliff couldn’t see him).

  106. charliemingles Says:

    Youre right swineshead – I hate to think where that thumb of his had been.


    Or what he was coming his hair with ( see above)

  107. Dave Says:

    Red Dwarf jumped the shark.

  108. Nick T Says:

    What is the best kind of paedofile?

    One that actualy HAS a puppy?

    I made a widget for my blog last night.

    I never thought I’d ever type that.

    Carry on…..

  109. charliemingles Says:

    there used to be a jump the shark website. dont know if it still exists

  110. piqued Says:

    Well I hope you used spellcheck NT

  111. charliemingles Says:

  112. Dave Says:

    I hope it does CM, it was a brilliant little site.

  113. Nick T Says:

    Oh, Connie Booth.

    Without getting too pervy (is there an acceptable state of pervy) the episode with her nipples has stayed with me for many years……thankfuly

  114. ugeine Says:

    Modern day term for jumping the shark: Marrying Monica?

    ‘2. takes a trip to England’

    True, so true. Arrested Development just had a bit in the third season when they visited ‘Wee Britain’ for a few episodes (‘Wee Britain’ is supposed to be like ‘Little Italy’ or something). Plenty of Mary Poppins references, even a casual reference to the IRA. All that was left to do after that was tie up loose ends, turn off the slights and put away the chairs. I was going to blog on how crap it was.

  115. charliemingles Says:

    *combing his hair with, I meant

  116. Nick T Says:

    File – phile?

    Lets call the hole thing of….

  117. charliemingles Says:

    that site must be almost 10 years old. great idea, whoever thought of it.

  118. Swineshead Says:

    Fans of Connie Booth would love this little oddity…

  119. Swineshead Says:

    I think Kevin Smith (him who directed Clerks) came up with the shark thing.

  120. The Tombstone Says:

    They’re all actors in American Inventor aren’t they? I swear I saw Chevy Chase with a false moustache plugging his mechanical arse wiper.

  121. charliemingles Says:

    yes, I heard that too, I seem to recall.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t believe you, Swinehead.

    Now then, is everyone behind my idea that Andy Murray should be publicly beheaded?

  123. Clarry Says:

    I was invited to join ‘Get that PEAdophile Ian Huntley off Facebook’ the other day…. Fucking morons.

  124. ugeine Says:


  125. ugeine Says:

    That rogue ‘who’ was directed at Napoleon.

  126. The Tombstone Says: is a load of crap it’s just a bunch of losers moaning about how crap telly has got.

    Erm…hang on.

  127. Dave Says:

    I have more respect for Murray following his reaching the US Open final. He’s 21, let us remember. And now the 4th bestest – like our Olympic team of ‘heroes’.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Peadophile? I assume they direct their nefarious activities towards those poor, innocent petis pois?

    (Now let’s see if I’m the first of the hundred or so people about to make exactly the same joke.)

  129. charliemingles Says:

    SH- theres a whole article to be written on ill-fated husband and wife film/tv producing ventures – fawlty towers being the exception that proves the rule. that film looks shite. still, does polly get her norks out?

  130. ugeine Says:

    The Simpsons has the highest vote for any programme that has not jumped the shark, if I remember rightly.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – The evil Scotch criminal who lost the US Open to a chocolate-munching, Swiss, Nazi gold hoarder.

  132. The Tombstone Says:

    I used to make that pea joke when people spelt it wrong but then i stopped getting invited to parties. That and I always shit in the Pringles.

  133. Swineshead Says:

    Polly is constantly naked in that film. As a 13 year old I enjoyed it very much.

    Murray did jolly well against that muscebound, Spanish monster – leave him be.

  134. ugeine Says:

    *googles US open* Oh, Tennis. I was thinking of Andy Webster for some strange reason.

  135. The Tombstone Says:

    I love that Simpsons page on Jump The Shark. A load of people who watch every new episode of The Simpsons just to say how shit it has got and hasn’t been good since 1998. Idiots.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    You should take the advice I dished out to Louche the other day, Tombstone. Go to parties dressed as a mentally ill person (wellies, diving goggles, snorkle, underpants, fingerless gloves and a knotted hankie hat), and you can shit on the floor without repercussions. They’ll just think you’re having one of your moments, and politely ignore the fact you’ve just defaecated on the carpet.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – He needs beheading is what he needs. The traitor.

  138. The Tombstone Says:

    Well I’ve got a friend’s housewarming on Friday so I may take you up on that advice Nap. I’ll eat nothing but melted butter, corn and grilled cheese all day to give them an extra treat.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    That’s the spirit, Tombstone! Never let anyone else’s sensibilities or feelings get in the way of your own enjoyment, that’s my advice.

  140. The Tombstone Says:

    And how is Murray a traitor anyway?

  141. Clarry Says:

    NC – Don’t you just love thick people and the internet? Getting all outraged at stuff and starting campaigns. I mean yeah, he was a bad and evil man – but how the fuck do they know he’s on Facebook? He’s hardly likely to say ‘Hi i’m Ian Huntley, I kill kids. Do you want to add me as a friend?’. Actually, to know what he’s doing surely they have to be his friend to see his profile…

  142. The Tombstone Says:

    I would totally add the real Ian Huntley on Facebook. Although I am a friend whore. I add people I’ve met once at parties and say things like ‘Hi I was staring at your tits all night’.

  143. charliemingles Says:

    huntley’s not so bad. Its Palmer you have to worry about. hes the real puppetmaster behind all this, you know.

    oh yes.

    thats right. palmer.

  144. Dave Says:

    Did anybody watch the midget athletics last night? Dwarfs Murray’s achievements.

  145. ugeine Says:

    I knew it! And to think I turned my back on Huntley after all he did for me.

  146. The Tombstone Says:

    They have midget athletics? Do they have little hurdles and everything? How appalingly hilarious, I’ll be Youtubing that tonight, you just see if I don’t.

  147. ugeine Says:

    Do they have a competition called the jump? BOOM BOOM!

  148. Clarry Says:

    I don’t undertsand the murderer league table. How can someone be classed as more evil than someone who’s killed 6 prostitutes because they’ve murdered two small girls?

  149. Napoleon Says:

    The midget athletics? Is that part of the Spazmoid Games, Dave?

    *awaits, sword in hand, the inevitable backlash*

  150. The Tombstone Says:

    Because the girls had their whole lives ahead of them and prostitutes are already dead inside. All you’re doing is disposing of the shells.

  151. ugeine Says:

    Plus, television has taught me that one girl with another on her shoulders can pass for an adult woman. Therefore, 2 small girls = one normal woman, or 1/6th of the Ipswich murders.

    Next, I’ll show how fractions can prove that Charles Manson is a nasty piece of work.

  152. charliemingles Says:

    I have to say, its great to be engaged in something useful again.

    I wasted my life last week fixing things and talking to people.

    what was I thinking.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I reckon it depends on the nature of the crime. Huntley was a thoroughly rotten egg because he robbed two girls of life before they’d even gotten out of the traps. That prossie murderer slayed sinners – harbingers of filth, harlots, the devil’s wives, JEZEBELS! I know who I’d string up by his balls as an evil monster (Huntley), and who I’d award with the cross of St. George (the other fella).


  154. Stacey Says:

    I’m a longtime reader of this site and do not like the term ‘spazmoid’. They are ‘spazmeisters’, my dear.

  155. The Tombstone Says:

    Well he packed them in that shallow grave pretty tight so they only took the space of half a person. I wonder if they were face to face or top to toe? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Tombstone – I thought they found ’em in a dustbin? Or was that in a film I watched?

    Stacey – How’s ‘spazzers’ sound? Or ‘spoids’?

  157. The Tombstone Says:

    My disabled friends like it when I call them “lazy cunts”. At least I think they do, I don’t like to get too close to them in case it’s contagious.

  158. The Tombstone Says:

    The football shirts were found in a bin liner, the bodies in a shallow grave.

  159. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone, like most of your witterings, I’m not sure that’d stand up in court.

  160. Clarry Says:

    WHAT?! That’s dreadful, a life’s a life however screwed up. I think we should put Tombstone on a ‘ones to watch’ list – he’ll be out murdering prostitues before we know it and telling us it doesn’t count…

  161. Napoleon Says:

    I had a disabled friend, but then he fell off a cliff. He was thoroughly disabled after that, as he was dead.

  162. The Tombstone Says:

    I’d be great in court me. I’ve got to do some crimes so I can get in court.

  163. The Tombstone Says:

    I think I’m already on a “One to watch” list. And it doesn’t count, I hate junkies and prostitutes, they take up space and commit crimes. Kill them all.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    I once had to go to court as a witness against some young hooligan I’d seen beating someone up. It was so enjoyable going outside for a fag alongside the defendant’s pack of sub-human, Embassy Regal-smoking, track-suited, potato-faced family of bottom-feeding spongers.

  165. charliemingles Says:

    well Napoleon – sutcliffe may well have cleaned the bradford streets of all the prozzies. but did he do it whilst simultaneously running a biscuit empire like huntley ( with palmers help, of course)

    I think not sir. chocolate olivers, oat and lemon knobbles, captain scotts expedition biscuits. all produced whilst simultaneously murdering innocent children. the mans nothing if not a grafter, i’ll say that for him.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    That day I learned I was:

    A cunt.
    A fucking cunt.
    Fucking dead.
    A fucking dead cunt.

  167. ugeine Says:

    NP: Do you mean literally a football hooligan? Good for you, they’re scum.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Them biscuits sound a little too fancy for my tastes, Mingles. A bit Wagonwheel, a bit up their own arse. No, give me the Great British taste of your ‘umble Rich Tea, your Hob-Nob, your Ginger Nut and your Lincoln. Honest biscuits for honest folk. These Palmer Huntley things sound like Hitler’s biscuits.

    ‘Chocolate oliver’, indeed.

  169. Dave Says:

    I was beaten up by a midget in the Air Cadets for no other reason than he targeted me. I started laughing at first before realising he was strong as a bull.

    The same midget later starred in a show about midgets and, turns out, both his mum and dad are midgets. The show detailed his working life at IKEA and his many boozey nights out in Warrington getting tickled by chav girls.

    I learnt a lot.

    Oh, SH, did you watch that ‘make me a lesbian’ show thing? That’d be good for a review.

  170. Clarry Says:

    I saw a bit about this on some late night chat prog and they were saying that it’s purely down to chance and what else is in the news at the time. For example they were saying that the week Madeleine McCann went missing two other children were snatched, that may or may not have been killed, but for some reason the McCann case got the headlines. Does that make her more important than the other children?

  171. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I didn’t enquire as to his hobbies, though I’ll wager getting riled over football and then attacking someone weaker than him was one of them. His job, if I had to guess, was probably ‘uemployable due to the words LINCOLN FUCKING CITY tattooed across his neck’. It’s only a guess, like.

  172. Swineshead Says:

    It’s important to remember that Tombstone’s a moron.

  173. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – If memory serves, one of the other abducted kids was black and not very attractive to look at. Moved on a lot, haven’t we?

  174. charliemingles Says:

    what are you on about napoleon. I would think a proud englishman like yourself would jump at the chance to munch into one of captain scots biscuits.
    heres a description from the website:

    A recreation of the high-energy, low-cholesterol biscuits used by Scott in 1911 on his race to the South Pole, packed in four convenient four-biscuit packs.

    I’m just popping out to the shops to get some. I may be some time …

    boom and indeed boom

  175. ugeine Says:

    Nick Davies in Flat Earth News:

    I spoke to a man who had worked for the Daily Mail for some years as a senior news reporter. He said: ‘They phoned me early one morning and told me to drive about three hundred miles to cover a murder. It was a woman and two children who’d been killed. I got an hour and a half into the journey, and the news desk called me on my mobile and said, “Come back.” I said, “Why’s that?” They said, “They’re black.”

  176. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I stand corrected. I honestly had no idea I was laying into a proud British biscuit from the heady days of the mighty Empire; and for that I apologise unreservedly.

  177. Dave Says:

    Perry- the papers should have arranged a ‘China style’ swap with the kidnapper. Say, with that irritating shit off of Emmerdale. Nobody would protest and it’s get the attention such an effort deserves.

  178. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – It’s going to take me a bit of time to decipher that. Which code book are you using?

  179. The Tombstone Says:

    That’s not very nice. I stand by views that certain people are more worthy of life than others.

  180. charliemingles Says:

    no problem NC.

    Help yourself:

  181. Napoleon Says:

    How do you divide ’em up, Tombstone? Me, I have a system:

    Bad Eggs

    Fred West
    Ian Huntley
    Ted Bundy

    Righteous Crusaders Ridding The World Of Those Pitiful Specimens Who Have Trampled Over God’s Holy Laws To Line Their Own Pockets Or Fulfill The Selfish Pleasures Of The Flesh

    ‘Uncle’ Pete Sutcliffe
    ‘Uncle’ Steve Wright
    ‘Uncle’ Dennis Nillson

  182. charliemingles Says:

    from the huntely & palmer website:

    Probably the most exclusive biscuit in the world and, reputedly, the favourite of the late Queen Mother and John Lennon.

    you cant make stuff like that up.

  183. charliemingles Says:

    isnt steve wright on the wrong list there?

  184. Napoleon Says:

    The Queen Mother ate these, did she? Well, as a rampant Royalist, that’s me sold.

    (Not so sure about that long-haired lout Lennon’s endorsement, mind.)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: