NewsGush: The Festival Season is Over


That’s according to the NME, that risible ringtone catalogue which was once, though the memory’s hazy, vaguely readable. So in a direct rip off of their content – here’s what they say:

So that’s it. The tents have been packed away, the wristbands snipped, the wellies rinsed off. Barring one final straggler – End Of The Road, which takes place this weekend (September 12-14) – the festival season is over.

They then ask ‘what were your festival highs and lows?’

Here are mine, specifically based around Glastonbury – feel free to add yours.


  • All festival coverage on all channels. Rubbish.
  • Leonard Cohen not being on the box.
  • All of the broadsheets’ hysterical, nauseating Glastonbury coverage – particularly style barometers telling you what to wear at the festival.
  • People coming back from Glastonbury and trying to tell you how ‘seriously wicked’ it was, despite you violently waving them away as if they were a blue-bottle.


  • The office being quiet.
  • Going to the park on a sunny day in my East London manor and not finding it impossible to get a spot due to jugglers and bongo players.
  • Going to the park on a sunny day in my East London manor and not finding it impossible to get a spot due to fashion victim indie kids (that would’ve been an oxymoron five years ago) bleating loudly on their mobile telephones.
  • Scrunching up the Glastonbury supplements that came with the broadsheets and using them to stretch the leather on my new shoes.

You may now call me a curmudgeon, if you wish.

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30 Responses to “NewsGush: The Festival Season is Over”

  1. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    CURMUDGEON. I cannot stand any sort of mass gathering of the cognitive underclass, and popular music festivals are widely accepted as one of the most powerful magnets for the aforementioned. All that “ironic” dressing, the dredlocks, the braying teenage girls shrieking about things being “well off the hook, innit?” Geh.

    Excuse me, I’ve got to get back to my unibomber-style shack and put the finishing touches on my antisocial behaviour.


  2. Napoleon Says:

    Not for me it’s not. I’ve got a weekend in a Welsh holiday camp with a load of scruffy rock fans and fucking Hawkwind to look forward to.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t been to a festival since 1996. After the sunstroke, dehydration, filth, infection and general LSD meltdown of that bonanza, I’m off the idea for life.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    The last one I went to wasn’t bad. I had a wee flat to stay in with a telly and a complimentary bottle of wine. Shame about the music (Twisted Sister, Raven, UFO, Tesla, etc.), which was SHITE.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Flats and chalet based festivals don’t count, surely? You’ve got to be in a tent, wigwam or yurt.

  6. charliemingles Says:

    I have nothing to add to this fine piece.

    Although those marvelous chaps at the never-knowingly-updated Soaraway Scottish Satire Magazine had this to add:

  7. Napoleon Says:

    It’s as close as I’m prepared to get to one nowadays. I’ve turned down free tickets to Download twice because I’m damned if I’m shitting in a field for three days surrounded by apemen. Not with my bowels.

  8. Dave Says:

    I have Hawkwind and Dragonforce on the horizon – so YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!11!!!


  9. ugeine Says:

    fuck sitting in a field, drinking luke warm lager, paying 160 quid for the pleasure of listening to Muse while kids destroy the porta cabins behind me.

    Festivals probably would have been fun 20 – 30 years ago, even 10 years ago, but not now.

    In other news, HALF MAN HALF FUPPING BISCUIT are playing in leicester. This is the cloest a really good band has come to Northampton since Led Zeppelin stopped to empty their tour bus’ toilet on our town square.

    I still haven’t washed since that day.

  10. charliemingles Says:

    ‘This is the closest a really good band has come to Northampton since Led Zeppelin stopped to empty their tour bus’ toilet on our town square.

    I still haven’t washed since that day’

    I hear thats the excuse everyone in Leicester uses ugeine.

  11. charliemingles Says:

    that would have maybe been funny if Id put ‘northampton’ rather than ‘leicester’ there.

    that’ll teach me. curses.

    *falls on plastic sword again*

  12. ugeine Says:

    Same here, the scallywags. That’s why we built our town 30 miles away, it waseasier then getting pegs.

    Any other half man half biscuit fans in the house?

  13. charliemingles Says:

    I like some of his/their/its stuff ugeine. I wasnt aware they were still plying their trade.

  14. wally bazoom Says:

    I haven’t seen HMHB yet – they always play here and I always miss them. They are ace.

    I fancy I’ll open a stationers
    With quaint little notebooks for weekend pagans
    While you were out at the Rollright Stones
    I came and set fire to your shed

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I very much like HMHB

    Outside Goldsmiths
    Chucking up blood
    Turner Prize judge gasps
    ‘Christ, that’s good’

    In other news… some people’ll do anything for page-views…

  16. charliemingles Says:

    anyone a fan of my genius countryman ivor cutler?

  17. Mikey Says:

    The real Glastonbury disappeared many, many years ago.

  18. wally bazoom Says:

    Yes to Cutler also. Ludo is a great album.

  19. ugeine Says:

    They are grand.

    I’ve been here and I’ve been there
    In me Joy Division oven gloves
    I’ve been to a post-punk postcard fair
    In me Joy Division oven gloves

    In me Joy Division oven gloves

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Ivor Cutler’s great, on the whole. Wally introduced me to his stuff…

  21. charliemingles Says:

    that hideous world ‘surreal’ is so over-used. But for him at his best, its the only word to use.

    did HMHB ever reveal what type of half-biscuit he was?

  22. extremelisteningmode Says:

    HMHB are superb commentators on contemporary mores. And they write funny little tunes, too.

  23. Dave Says:

    MGMT and Ladytron – get it arranged, like me.

  24. ugeine Says:

    I read some review where the author called them the most authentic British band since The clash. I’d agree, I think.

  25. charliemingles Says:


    I agree. You can beat sitting down after a long hard day with a nice glass of wine and popping on some contemporary mores. Though I much preferred their first album.

  26. charliemingles Says:

    what a shite joke. Im off. have a good wekend.


  27. Dave Says:

    SH – Did you watch that God on trial last week? Watched it the other day and couldn’t believe how much the BBC’s been missing quality drama such as that.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t even know what it is… worth catching up with?

    Right – I’m off. Have nice weekends.

  29. Badger Madge Says:

    “You may now call me a curmudgeon, if you wish.”

    Nope. I 100%, like, TOTALLY agree…

  30. Interceptor Says:

    Being completely up my own arse, I’ve spent a few years visiting obscure metal fests that no one else has heard of, and though I don’t go to Wacken anymore (too popular..I did warn you…), nothing quite matches the memory of waking up there, upside-down in a hedge, covered in cherry mead. Bees had allighted ‘pon my arms to get at the lovely honey-booze while I slept. Finally a chance to use my limited German vocab. Which for some reason included the phrase “Achtung! Mit Bedekken Ein Bien!”. Nothing better for the soul than wallowing in your own filth (and leather trousers) for 5 days straight.

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