The Friday Question: Character Empathy


When we watch TV drama or comedy – from the humble soap opera via the sitcom to the megabudget one hour Christmas drama special – we like to identify with at least one of the characters.

Character empathy gives us an anchor by which we can involve ourselves with the plot and all of the circumstances of the script.

I’m not talking here about fancying a lead character – that’s a discussion for another time. Keep your puerile fantasies regarding Gillian Anderson to yourself this time. I’m talking about the character in a TV show you most identify with – be it for their attitude to life, their personal circumstances, their appearance (and people’s reaction to it) or their lifestyle choices…

Are you down on your luck what with the credit crunch and finding yourself breaking down every time Perry Fenwick as Billy Mitchell has a snivel?

Do you like to walk through the rough part of town on a regular basis, playing Robin Hood for the crackheads as you threaten scary folk with a massive shotgun, a la Omar Little?

Are you reading this from a desert island like a tedious goon from Lost?

Are you supposedly ugly, when in fact you look quite normal – attractive even if only you’d sort your clothes and hair out – and happen to work in the rag trade like that Betty squirt?

Which television character do you most identify with?


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225 Responses to “The Friday Question: Character Empathy”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    Am I allowed to post comments now?

  2. The Tombstone Says:

    Stirling, I apologise Swiney, your blog your rules and all that.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Watch your tongue, whippersnapper.

  4. The Tombstone Says:

    And I empathise with Becker, Doc Martin, and Bernard Black, basically any grumpy bastard who is an arse to all his friends and people wonder why they make the effort and put up with him.

  5. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m watching I’m watching.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Stupid bloody question. Didn’t they (science) prove a few years back that men have no empathy? If they (scientists) are right, then three quarters of your readers can’t answer this.

  7. ugeine Says:

    Probably Fancis from Malcolm in the middle. The whole family was a lot like mine, really.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I think they proved that psychopaths have no empathy and all men are psychopaths so… yes. You’re right.

    But play the game – for the sake of argument let’s just say men DO have empathy…

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Alright then, I’ll pretend. Erm … JR. I most identify with JR.

    What do I win?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Nothing until you explain why – I can’t see the Texan oil baron thing, if I’m honest.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Alright then … bear with me …

    Rab C Nesbitt?

  12. Nick T Says:

  13. Swineshead Says:

    You’re not really trying, Napoleon. Not only have you let me down etc…

    If it’s any help – I see you as a sort of northern Albert Steptoe, as I’ve said before. If we were talking about the world of music, I’d say Mark E Smith, obviously, but sadly Smith hasn’t appeared in much TV drama, to my knowledge.

  14. Dave Says:

    ‘Keep your puerile fantasies regarding Gillian Anderson to yourself this time. ‘

    Thanks. You’ve just ruined my day and most probably the weekend too.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Albert fucking Steptoe? I’m nothing like him! When – WHEN? – was the last time I did any of these things:

    Had a bath in my front parlour?
    Ate pickled onions out of jar in my smalls?
    Thwarted my son’s attempts to get married/move out/join a writers’ circle?
    Pleaded with my son not to leave me as I’d be, ‘Lonely on me own, ‘Arold’?
    Accused my son of being a ‘bleedin’ poofter’ when he announced he was taking up art?
    Fed the ‘orse?

    Never, that’s when! Albert Steptoe, my arse!

  16. Swineshead Says:

    You do gurn quite a lot though…

  17. Clarry Says:

    Look, sorry to change the subject, but can I just say (this is mainly aimed at SH, as the only other watcher of BB9) that last night on Bravo there was a prog called ‘Brits Behind Bars: America’s Toughest Prisons’, a programme in which they send 10 British petty criminals over to an American prison in the desert in a bid to get them to see the error of their ways. Well, who should be one of the crims? Only bloody Mario…. Now has he got a hidden past that seems to have escaped the attention of the media, or is this programme a sham? Tried to search for it quick to see what date the programme was made and to see what Mario’s crime was.

    P.S I’ve listened to the podcast at long last – has it been slowed down slightly? NC’s voice is alarmingly deep.

  18. Who Says:

    Daisy Duke

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Also – when was the last time Rab C Nesbitt did any freelance work, eh? And the last time you wore a string vest?

  20. Napoleon Says:


    BLAAAAAAAAAEEEEGGGGGGGHHHHHH! You bleeeeeedin’ pooofter!

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – that is very weird indeed.

    So are you saying you identify with Mario?

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever worn a string vest.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not sure who I identify with – nobody springs to mind. Possibly Garth Marenghi as I am a bit of a dreamweaver.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    My voice is alarmingly deep? Anything else you shower of shitbags fancy having a go at me about? Eh?

  25. wally bazoom Says:

    Krishnan Guru Murthy

  26. Dave Says:

    ‘Fwwwweeeeeeeiiiiiiinnngggggg!!! Liiikkkeee Chhoooccclllaaatttee!!!!’ – NC

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I’m sure that means something to somebody, Dave.

  28. Dave Says:

    You sound like the flappy-eared bloke from The Goonies is all.

  29. badgermadge Says:

    people say i remind them of fucking rikki lake. not in looks but in personality. that irks me. i’m still thinking by the way but thought i’d announce my return to the world of wellness here and now… xx

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Lost me there, Dave.
    Krishnan is a good choice, Wally. I’ve often felt that Zana Badawi is my true kindred spirit.

  31. Who Says:

    I think you sound remarkably like John Shuttleworth, NC. Or is that your showbiz voice?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Are you often celebrated by a crowd of multiethnic members of the American public who all chant your name in unison, Badger?

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Flappy-eared bloke from The Goonies? You mean that bloody retarded monster they keep down in the cellar? He hasn’t got an alarmingly deep voice.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I’m having elocution lessons, I’ve decided. That way I can sound like the man wot did the ‘You’re listening to the smooth and groovy sounds’ jingle on the podcast.

  35. ugeine Says:

    I liked Napoleon’s voice on the podcast. I spent most of it laying on my front on my bed with my chin on my palms.

  36. Who Says:

    At the risk of kicking the whole pickle fork argument off again, didn’t Albert Steptoe eat the pickled onions from the jar whilst in the bath?

    That sort of thing gives you power over women….

  37. wally bazoom Says:

    It was a toss up between Krishnan and Nina Nana for me.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    I think Albert Steptoe is partial to a pickled onion at any time of the day, Who. Me, I don’t like pickled onions, so that makes me nothing like him at all.

    AT ALL.

  39. Who Says:

    What about pickled eggs?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Now you’re talking! I love pickled eggs.

    I’ve never eaten one in the bath, mind.

  41. badgermadge Says:

    in my dreams, SH, in my dreams… i do however, have a rather over enthusiastic penchant for high fives and (in public circles anyway) am rather bouncy and bubbly. (little do they know i’m actually a seething wreck of anger underneath).

    i guess lynda off of press gang is who inspired me to become a journo… and i like how she’s so rude and miserable all the time. but i’m not actually LIKE her… ummm…

  42. Who Says:

    There’s just something about eggs in a jar that gives me the creeps. Can’t trust the slippery little buggers.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t trust pickled eggs? Food of the gods, Who, food of the gods.

    And British! Unlike all that foreign muck my other half’s German mother eats out of jars. Some of that stuff makes you sick just thinking about it.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    I’m very partial to the pickled egg… specifically the silver-skinner.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Silver skin eggs? Don’t you mean onions?

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, I did. Sorry – I am confused.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Confused? No doubt as a result of not having enough pickled onions/eggs in your diet.

    *waits for Noel ‘Piqued’ Coward to come on here and deride pickled products*

  48. badgermadge Says:

    Jeez. You guys. We have this convo every week… Scotch eggs are where it’s at anyway.

  49. The Tombstone Says:

    Does no one else see Napoleon as Alf Garnett?

    Ricki Lake has a personality?

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Nobody’s having a go at scotch eggs, Badger. Your scotch egg is ideal as a snack or a light meal, your pickled egg/onion is the perfect partner to a fish supper.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Alf Garnett? I think you’re confusing me for Dave, Tombstone.

  52. Who Says:

    Thanks for the reminder, Badge. I hate it when you pick up a Scotch egg, give it a shake and can hear the egg rattling around in the space. Gives me the ‘orrors, it does.

  53. Dave Says:

    Eggs should not be pickled anymore than they should be curried. Although, I watched a cool thing once in which the cubed the eggs by soaking them in vinegar. Cubed eggs!

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Surely it’d be worse if you didn’t hear the egg rattling around?

  55. The Tombstone Says:

    Yeah but Alf Garnett didn’t really know he was racist either, he thought he was just proud to be British. Like yourself.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Those cubed eggs sound suspiciously like pickled eggs, Dave. And anyway, what’s wrong with pickled eggs? You’re from Manchester, aren’t you? I thought that’s all you shower of ignorant, swaggering fools who walk like ducks eat?

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Tombstone – Fuck you. Let’s have an example of my racism, then.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s not have an example of racism (I think he might struggle to find one).

    Let’s just be nice…

  59. Who Says:

    And what’s wrong with curry, Dave? Eh? DAVE? Alf? Eh?

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I like curried eggs. Dave’s wrong.

  61. Who Says:

    I don’t mind the egg, chopped about, in mayonnaise. Then rolled in sausagemeat and deep fried in suspiciously bright orange breadcrumbs. Then you don’t get the empty space, see? Then it’s not technically a Scotch egg.

    I’m going to shut up now, I’ve bored myself. Again.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Eggs work in a curry. I think Dave just hates curry because of its country of origin. Probably.

  63. Dave Says:

    NC – Like, yes. But because they’re still in their shell and aren’t boiled it just softens it up so you can reshape them. Genius. What’s that sci-fi film with the square pigs? Space Truckers? a Mancunian and member of CAMRA I should be ashamed not enjoy putting my little pick poachers into mucky jars of piss but I get no pleasure out of them. And, I ask you, if that’s the case then what’s the bloody point? I’ve tried shock therapy and flailing myself but, to this da,y I think pickling a perfectly decent boiled egg is madness.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Who – Nooooo! The egg must be whole and intact. Otherwise, as you say, it’s not a scotch egg.

    Why do people put mayo in and on everything? It’s American-inspired laziness, that’s why.

  65. Dave Says:

    SH – Curry’s more British than you or I so even if I was a racist, which I’m not, I’d enjoy them. It’s the chickens I’d see rid of.

  66. badgermadge Says:

    I like hearing the egg rattling. It’s like when you’re a kid and you shake a Kinder Egg like in the add.

    *profound realisation*
    Scotch Eggs are a grown-up Kinder Egg…

  67. badgermadge Says:

    ahem. ad. not add.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Tombstone – No you haven’t got ‘examples’. You’re just trying to get a rise out of me, as you ponderously do every day. Get fucked with your supposed ‘examples’, little boy. Two days ago you thought Paul Whitehouse’s impression of a Cypriot was racist – so your idea of what is and isn’t racist is based on a misinterpretation of the word. That’s not surprising, as you’ve shown yourself up to be a moron with just about every comment you make.

    I suggest you pick your words and your targets more carefully next time.

  69. Who Says:

    Oh, so curried eggs are alright by NC, but egg and liver curry is not?

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Those miniature scotch eggs have got mayo in ’em, and they’re alright.

  71. badgermadge Says:

    Any liver produce is wrong.

  72. badgermadge Says:

    as are mini scotch eggs.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Egg and liver? Jesus.

  74. ugeine Says:

    Am I the only one in this blog that doesn’t eat pickled product or skotch eggs?

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind that liver pate stuff. Mind you, it’s just Shippam’s paste they stick in fancy packaging and then remove the ‘s’ from the word ‘paste’ to fool you into thinking you’re a gourmet.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Pickled beetroot?

  77. ugeine Says:

    You can pickle beetroot?

  78. Dave Says:

    I’ve got some liver and port pate in the fridge. I’ll second that notion.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    “You can pickle beetroot?”

    I assume you’re taking the piss?

  80. badgermadge Says:

    I lurve pickled beet. It’s the only kind of beet I know actually… *posh* Great with goats cheese…

  81. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, pickling isn’t one of my fortés.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – It is though, isn’t it? The first time I had pate, I says to m’self,

    “Hang on! This is meat paste!”

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – ok, so you’ve dropped the idiotic prayer for hideous diseases on the undeserving and your moronic and unfunny non-ironic appreciation of child killers seems to have vapourised – but now you’re trying to accuse us of being bigots?

    I think that’s out of order. Why do you even bother? Haven’t you got friends you can email rather than insulting strangers on the internet, and vaguely irritating the moderator or a little-known blog?

  84. The Tombstone Says:

    You’re right I’m a moron. His impression of Theo Papitis was a good represention of how that race behave and act. I’m wrong about everything (it comes with being a moron) I mean you no harm.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You must have seen the Baxters beetroot in the supermarket (other brands are available)? Surely you can’t reach adulthood without ever encountering pickled beets?

  86. ugeine Says:

    jesus, tombtone, give it a rest already.

  87. Who Says:

    The mucked about mayonnaise ones are called snack or picnic eggs. So does that mean Scotch eggs cannot be consumed as a snack or on a picnic and vice versa?

    I can’t cope with it. Thank God for my no-wheat diet, which means I can’t eat them and am excused from the whole nightmare scenario.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    Paul Whitehouse and NC aren’t racist….

    The former’s impression was a cultural stereotype. If you find it bigoted, fair enough, but I think even someone from Cyprus would find that astonishingly over-sensitive.

    The latter hasn’t made a racist statement before on this blog.

    You’re a moron. A complete and utter fucking moron.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I think they make the picnic version so ladies can look dainty (same applies to picnic pork pies and mini sausage rolls). You wouldn’t look too good under that parasol in your enormous hat snaffling your way through a giant ball of sausagemeat clasped awkwardly in an arm-length gloved hand.

  90. ugeine Says:

    NP: My voyage into pickled products starts and ends with my old flat mate having a love for these certain type of pickled onions. They were lovely, came in a big jar with a black and white sticker, forget the name. It’s an area of my ignorance I’ve been meaning to sort.

  91. Dave Says:

    Tombstone – go onto *does thumbs up*

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone’s gone hopefully, (though he’ll probably find a way around it)…

  93. Who Says:

    Blimey, I don’t recognise myself from your description NC. A zeppelin-shaped bruiser in filthy dungarees, frantically shovelling a Pot Noodle in with her bare hands is nearer the mark.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – If you are going to start out on an odyssey of pickled discovery, I’d break y’self in gently with pickled beetroot. I certainly wouldn’t recommend going for one of the big guns, such as pickled eggs, pickled cauliflower or, God forbid, sauerkraut.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Who – I refuse to believe that. I assume all the women on here would slide easily into a part in A Room With A View – wandering around Florence in a big hat looking at churches, admiring the views along the Arno, and being given a good seeing to by Julian Sands whilst Maggie Smith’s distracted by a naked Simon Callow skinny-dipping with Daniel Day-Lewis.

  96. ugeine Says:

    There’s so many things that I didn’t know you could pickle.

    *writes shopping list*

  97. Who Says:

    What about picallili? AKA heartburn in a jar? Save yourselve the bother – rip out your own heart, plunge it into the jar of nuke-yellow assorted vegetables and watch it dissolve in triple strength acid.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You can pickle most veg. The missus is partial to those hoofing great pickled gherkins, for instance. When she eats one of those (either that or a Calippo, a banana, a sausage, etc.), I become extremely distracted and start sweating for some reason. Must be the heat created by the gherkin.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Can’t stand that stuff. I think Swineshead may be partial … or was that Branston’s Pickle?

  100. ugeine Says:

    actually, I do like my self a pickled gerkin or two. They make a good beer snack.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You eat pickled ghaerkins? So that line o’yours about being the only one on this blog wot doesn’t eat pickles was A PACK OF LIES.

  102. Mikey Says:

    Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise.

    I love pickled onions and also pickled walnuts.

  103. Dave Says:

    Search ‘pickle surprise’ on YOOTOOB for a proper headfuck of a video. I strongly endorse it.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Ghaerkins’ is the Latin spelling.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Never had a pickled walnut. Any good?

  106. Swineshead Says:

    I love pickled gherkins but not keen on the piccallilli or however you spell it. Pickled gherkins have got me through many a sad time. I draw the line at drinking the vinegar when i get to the end of a jar though.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t stand pickled gherkings, m’self. The missus wolfs ’em down like they’re going out of fashion. AND she eats them pickled herring things that are rolled up in a mass of onions. THE STINK OF THE THINGS.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Gherkings’ is, of course, how our American cousins spell the word … ahem.

  109. ugeine Says:

    NP: Fraid so. I’m actually a master pickleteer.

  110. Napoleon Says:


  111. Mikey Says:

    Yep, pickled walnuts with a nice piece of ham and mashed potato, very nice! Pickled onions and a nice mature piece of cheddar in a pain rustique..very tasty!

  112. ugeine Says:

    Mikey: I can see the Kirk in you. You look like if you captained a star ship you’d have a direct action approach, and aren’t above the occasional spoken word cover of a famous pop song.

  113. Who Says:

    You can get gherkins and onions pickled in the same jar now. THAT is progress.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    If I captained a space ship, the bugger’d crash into an asteroid when I lost my temper. I reckon Swineshead would be alright, but put Piqued at the helm and the whole ship would grind to a halt as he stopped off at Space-Sainsbury’s for some sensational capers and stunning shredded bacon.

  115. Mikey Says:

    Remember that ad for epicure pickled onions. You needed to put on ear protectors before munching one of those babes!

  116. badgermadge Says:

    NC is a sexist for saying the mini versions are for ladies!

    *attack of anarchy!*
    Lemon lemon lemon!

  117. ugeine Says:

    That made me chukcle, np.

  118. Mikey Says:

    Once again Napoleon displays his ignorance of Federation technology. They have food replicators on Starships these days old chap. You just go to the replicator say what you fancy and it appears.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – How could you possibly say that? I suggest you return to your kitchen duties and have a jolly good think about your awful accusations as you get my tea ready.

    Is it sausages?

  120. badgermadge Says:


    *nibbles tiny scotch egg*

    *makes NC’s tea*

  121. ugeine Says:

    A friend and I were watching Star Trek the other night and he made a brilliant point; he said ‘is the Star Trek community communist?’ I don’t know.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – The only Star Trek I’ve watched in its entirity was Star Trek II. And I only watched that because Ricardo Montalban was in it. Couldn’t understand what the fuck was happening, and was miffed that the diminutive Herve Villechaize didn’t make an appearance.

  123. Dave Says:

    Star Trek is rubbish. Watch Battlestar Galactica and it’ll blow your mind with it’s political commentary on American foreign affairs. Genius show.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    No thanks, Dave. Currently I’m enjoying Band of Brothers again – World War II, that’s what you need. None of this sci-fi nonsense.

  125. Dave Says:

    Got both boxsets. Battlestar has more to say about war. Lasers too.

  126. badgermadge Says:

    I can’t watch Battlestar even though I’ve only heard good things, purely because the title is the geekiest thing I’ve ever heard. Comic Book guy off the Simpsons or wot?

  127. Mikey Says:

    I think we have a little of Frasier and Niles in us all!

  128. Napoleon Says:

    A fictional kid’s show set in space has more to say about war than a war show set during a real war where every episode takes place during that war?

    Right you are, Dave.

  129. Dave Says:

    It’s allegorical and doesn’t have the stink of propaganda. BOB has the humanity bit covered though. I’d watch both before you pass judgement.

  130. ugeine Says:

    Science fiction shows using a factional space wide community to comment on current affairs? What next, a television show that produces humour with situations?

  131. Mikey Says:

    What about Westerns? They are allegorical too.

  132. Dave Says:

    I wasn;t saying it being allegorical made it better, for sod’s sake – Deadwood was a good show, Firefly was arse.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Allegorical, my arse. It’s for kids, Dave, for kids. What next? The nihilism that underscores Roland Rat? Battle of the Planets as seen through the prism of existentialism?


  134. badgermadge Says:

    Question: which kids TV show in the 70s/80s featured lots of coloured lines going across each other to music? My editor’s t-shirt today is jut like it and it’s been really bugging me.

  135. Dave Says:


  136. Napoleon Says:

    Did you just make that up, Badger?

  137. badgermadge Says:

    Noooo! I think it was just in between bits of the show but it deffo happened (my ed remembers too). Black background, lots of multi coloured chunky lines going diagonally across each other… Maybe ch4?

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Was it Dr. Snuggles?

  139. indy Says:

    i identify with the guy who is silently sipping on a lager while reading the guardian review, when, out of the nothing, james bond (or anyone else) crashes through the scene, probably on the top of a tank, fighting three ninjas armed with nunchakus and chainsaws hanging from a helicopter. in five seconds they have totally trashed my local pub and run away leaving me and the barman in silence. at this point i take a look at my half full/empty bottle, blink, look at the mess around me, take another loooong look at the bottle again and then throw the bottle over my shoulder and walk out of the pub, not through the door but through a punched out brick wall.

  140. Clarry Says:

    Been looking into the Mario being in Brits Behind Bars – it is him, and he wasn’t actually in pris, he was being shown what would happen to him if he carried on going the way he was. His ‘crime’ was supposedly related to domestic abuse. What a wanker…

  141. Mikey Says:

    Testing to see my unlogged in, randomly generated new avatar.

  142. charliemingles Says:

    I cant think of any characters I might empathise with. what did swineshead choose?

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead said he empathised with the uglier of the two Chuckle Brothers. And Freddie ‘Parrot Face’ Davies.

  144. Wenchy Says:

    I’m having real trouble thinking of anyone on TV I identify with. I don’t think I’ve ever really empathised with just one character, just lots of characters, and occasional bits of their story. I shall have a little reflect…

    I actually don’t eat any pickled goods. At all. No pickled onions (although when I was little I love silverskins, don’t like them these days for some reason), walnuts, beetroot (turns things pink…wrong), gherkins, piccallilli, none of it. I think it’s the vinegar involvement – Satan’s Piss as far as I’m concerned.

    What the hell is going on with Tombstone? Has there been a fracas?

  145. Dave Says:

    I empathise with Armando Ianucucuciccccucucucucucuciiiiiiiiiiii in his show: The Armando Ianucucuciccccucucucucucuciiiiiiiiiiii Show.

  146. Napoleon Says:

    Vinegar’s the good stuff.

  147. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – you actually have the critical faculties to deem one Chuckle Brother uglier than the other?

    I most empathise with Bodger of Bodger and Badger fame.

  148. Mikey Says:

    Turning the kernel head on it’s head, we all know an Arthur Daley or Delboy type do we not?

  149. ugeine Says:

    *puts mash potato in SH’s boots*

  150. Mikey Says:

    Rodney Trotter is an empathetic character.

  151. Napoleon Says:

    I do. The smaller one’s uglier than the bigger one.

  152. Just to answer wenchy Says:

    No fracas.

    The Tombstone has said far too many stupid things for the moderator’s liking and it’s best if he doesn’t continue to comment on this blog. He genuinely didn’t mean any offense or harm but if you’re constantly pissing a guy off who’s just trying to run a blog whether you mean to or not it’s probably not worth it.

  153. Dave Says:

    I heard a rumour the big one’s the small one’s son.

  154. indy Says:

    ashcorft in nathan barley.

  155. indy Says:

    ashcRoft, that is

  156. Wenchy Says:

    “No fracas.

    The Tombstone has said far too many stupid things for the moderator’s liking and it’s best if he doesn’t continue to comment on this blog. He genuinely didn’t mean any offense or harm but if you’re constantly pissing a guy off who’s just trying to run a blog whether you mean to or not it’s probably not worth it.”

    Oh dear. Not a wise move! But if he was saying daft things, probably best.

  157. Dave Says:

    Tim the Toolman Taylor*

    *Tool Time**

    **Home Improvement

  158. charliemingles Says:

    I just had an eccles cake. congratulations to you northerners. those things are delicious.

  159. wally bazoom Says:

    Dan Ashcroft is a good one. I like that one.

  160. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just returned from the library, and on the way back I stopped off at a cafe and had a large bacon sandwich and a big mug of tea. Lovely, they were, lovely.

  161. Dave Says:

    Nice one. I just went to the local caf for THREE sausage chips and beans – 3.30p. Beautiful.

  162. charliemingles Says:

    im just making a bacon sandwich as we speak. ive just realised i do not have enough ketchup left to cover both sandwich surfaces. even brown sauce would do at a push. bastard.

  163. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds good, Dave. My bacon sarnie contained five – FIVE – rashers of bacon, and with a big mug o’tea, came to the princely sum of £2.40. Fan-fucking-tastic.

  164. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Can’t abide tomato ketchup. It’s brown sauce all the way when I have a bacon sandwich.

  165. charliemingles Says:

    I think were all well aware of that napoleon. I still have three eccles cakes left.

    its all gravy today

  166. charliemingles Says:

    did you ever sort out your bread fiasco. i couldnt sleep worrying about it.

    just so long as you stayed away from mothers pride.

    though, I have to admit, their plain bread is great and is currrently awaiting bacon as we speak.

  167. Swineshead Says:

    I like my bacon crispy – just to add to this fascinating conversation. With ketchup – brown sauce is bum-muck.

  168. Swineshead Says:

    I just memorised half the states of America in 10 minutes. GO ME.

  169. charliemingles Says:

    this’ll get the stats up swineshead – dont you worry.

    if not:


    there you go

    now, back to the bacon sandwiches …

  170. badgermadge Says:

    Ummm… Sorry to plug but I’ve been away. Two new posts up on my site right now x

  171. wally bazoom Says:

    The can’t make sandiwches properly in the north, they immediately come to pieces in your hand and go down your front, and the women just look at you.

    The only way around it is to get a ‘breadcake’, and then get a heart attack.

  172. charliemingles Says:

    and SH: only paedophiles dont like their bacon crispy. thats how they caught huntley I believe.

  173. Swineshead Says:

    WB – Chip butties in Yorkshire constitute enough food for two meals that’d fill strongman twins due to the infamous ‘breadcake’. You could stop a door with one.

    Mingles – thanks for the VAGINA BRITNEY traffic assistance VAGINA

    BM – It’s not a problem, that kind of link-sharing. This is the internet after all.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Still haven’t sorted out the white bread conundrum yet. I’ll keep you posted.

    Swineshead – I like my bacon crispy too. We agree on that, but on brown sauce your opinion’s one of an ignoramous’s.

    Wally – The reason stuff falls out of our sandwiches is a little known thing in the south called ‘generosity’. They fill up your sandwiches here; unlike down south where they give you fuck all fillings and then charge you a fiver for the privilege.

  175. charliemingles Says:

    avid readers following this fascinating story, will know that I didnt have enough ketchup left to cover both bacon sandwich surfaces.

    Luckily, I added a dash of vinegar to the bottle and that did the trick.

    crisis over.

  176. Napoleon Says:

    Thank Christ for that, Mingles. You had me – and I think everyone else – very worried there.

  177. charliemingles Says:

    seeing as were pluggin things then:

  178. Dave Says:

    I always feel like the man when I do that vinegar thing. God know where e got that trick from but every bloke knows about it.

  179. badgermadge Says:

    Top tip there Mingles…

  180. wally bazoom Says:

    Must also be the only place where ‘(choice of filling) and salad’ includes an entire egg, half a beetroot and a fist of raw red onion, all jammed into a tiny groaning bread crevice and presented by a laughing toothless hag. Why are they laughing? Because you will make a mess of yourself, and spoon up half of dinner off your legs.

  181. charliemingles Says:

    tanks NC. my local MP has retracted his question in the House.

    He now has time for the one about … some starving kids or something, i wasnt really listening properly.

  182. Dave Says:

    You southern little girl.

  183. ugeine Says:


    Get in Charlie!

  184. wally bazoom Says:

    Napoleon – if they were that generous, they’d give you a plate and a bib. This is just some weird punishment. Or they work in cahoots with Primark, as you have to buy new trousers so as not to look like an unsteady dick.

  185. Napoleon Says:

    Wally – If you can’t handle it, ask ’em to cut it into quarters, you jessie. Either that or wear £2 t-shirts from ASDA’s and then you won’t care if you’re covered in gubbins, you strutting cock. I bet you’ve got one of them manbags like wot Piqued carries around.

    On an only slightly seperate subject, another cracking thing they do up ‘ere is serve kebabs in naan breads. Puts your pitta bread kebab to shame, it does. TO SHAME.

  186. Wenchy Says:

    I’m seriously craving a proper bacon sandwich now.

    Or a fish finger sandwich – with tartare sauce – otherwise known as the food of kings.

  187. charliemingles Says:

    I wasnt aware that I was out ugeine.

    *checks that he is in fact, in*

    yes, im actually in anyway ugeine, but thanks all the same.

    any other instructions? should anyone else get in? are you monitoring weather systems across the whole country, or just up here in scotland?

  188. ugeine Says:

    The BYOA curry house down my road does naans the size of wheels.

  189. piqued Says:

    …they even taste of rubber

  190. Napoleon Says:

    Wenchy – Fish finger sandwiches? What are you? Eight?

  191. piqued Says:

    I like those too NC

  192. Napoleon Says:

    Jelly, Piqued? Ice cream with hundreds and thousands? Hurry up and decide, young man. The other kids will be arriving soon, and I have to fill the party bags …

  193. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway, I don’t care. I’m off on my ‘olidays tomorrow, so balls to the lot of yis.

    I got a good deal, actually. Two weeks in Lanzarote with a company called ‘XL’. In fact, I’d best just check their website to make sure I’ve got the …


  194. charliemingles Says:

    my friends three-year-old daughter was eating fish fingers and beans yesterday. with her mouth open and her runny nose running down the rivulet above her top lip straight into her mouth.

    theyre so adorable at that age.

  195. charliemingles Says:

    where are you off napoleon, honestly?

  196. wally bazoom Says:

    I’ve got three ‘man-bags’, or ‘bags’ as we started calling them in the late 1990s. Not only do I look fantastic on the thoroughfare, but I can transport my belongings around without unsightly bulges in my trousers like a sailor with a secret.

  197. Wenchy Says:

    “Wenchy – Fish finger sandwiches? What are you? Eight?”

    No, but my love of that particular kiddie food remains. Obviously I don’t eat them 24/7, but when I do, they’re fookin’ lovely!

    See, Piqued agrees.

  198. charliemingles Says:

    * off to, I mean

  199. badgermadge Says:

    i made jelly the other day. jelly feckin rocks. also used to eat fish fingers and beans in front of sesame st when i was 5…

  200. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I’m off to see what hurricanes really feel like on the bracing coast of North Yorkshire. If I’m not killed, I might find the time to eat some chips in the rain in Whitby as well.

  201. Napoleon Says:

    Wenchy – Piqued agreeing with you isn’t an automatic win. The man eats some of the most vile combinations of foodstuffs ever devised by an enfeebled mind. I’d keep his support for your child’s comfort food under your hat, quit frankly.

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Wenchy – Piqued agreeing with you isn’t an automatic win. The man eats some of the most vile combinations of foodstuffs ever devised by an enfeebled mind. I’d keep his support for your child’s comfort food under your hat, quite frankly.

  203. charliemingles Says:

    youre taking this british thing a bit far arent you old boy?

    even oswald mosely holidayed in foreign climes.

  204. Napoleon Says:

    Eh? That went off on its own, then I sent it off after adding an e to ‘quit’. WordPress is weird.

  205. charliemingles Says:

    ‘quit frankly’, works better I think, and makes as much sense.

  206. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – ‘Holiday in England’, they said! Well never a-fucking-gain! I can get rain for free all year round, thanks very much. Next year I’m going abroad like normal bloody people do.

  207. ugeine Says:

    I love Whitby, so steady on, cm.

  208. charliemingles Says:

    Whitby ugeine? Isnt that where dracula ran aboard from the high seas. that says it all, I think. And the chips there are shite an all.

  209. ugeine Says:

    They do some of the nicest fish and chips in this fair isle, cm.

  210. Napoleon Says:

    I’d have to agree with that. Whitby fish ‘n’ chips are lovely.

  211. charliemingles Says:

    made by the descendants of the undead? no thanks. I prefer my fish and chips made by proper warm-blooded humans. I make an exception with mcdonalds. they cant get the staff.

  212. Dave Says:

    Scotland do Fish and Chips better than anywhere else.

  213. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – No they don’t. The best place for fish ‘n’ chips is Yorkshire – the home of fish ‘n’ chips.

  214. Swineshead Says:

    Dave…. Dave….

    Sorry – I can’t form a sentence, I’m laughing too much…


  215. ugeine Says:

    Agreed with NP. Many a family holiday’s experience as well.

  216. Dave Says:

    SH & NC – What? An area famed for both it’s fish and deep frying habits, Dumfries is a great place for fish and hand cut chips. No lie. In fact, the three chippies near my folks all won the best chippy in Britain award 2006.

  217. Napoleon Says:

    Right, I’m off to do some holiday shopping (sunglasses, sun cream, new speedos, cagoul, diving suit, lead boots, breathing apparatus, last will & testament, etc.). See you all later, you dogs!

  218. charliemingles Says:

    mr Dave. I didnt realised till just now how tall handsome and intelligent you were.

  219. ugeine Says:

    ALL of them won the best Chippy award? So none of them are actually ‘the’ best chippie?

  220. Dave Says:

    Ugeine’s a bright one.

  221. charliemingles Says:

    not bright enough to spell his/her name correctly though.

    careful with that axe, ugeine.

  222. Dave Says:

    A Floydian slip, perhaps?

  223. badgermadge Says:

    Have a good weekend folks. Good to be back xx

  224. charliemingles Says:

    dave, I take back what I said before about you being tall and handsome.

    Madge: Good to be back” careful, thats how gary glitter got started.

  225. charliemingles Says:

    that joke was worse than yours dave

    *leaves in shame*

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