Archive for September 15th, 2008

NewsGush: Icke and Tina Edmonds

September 15, 2008

Not content with one former TV presenter howling at the moon, the planets seem to have called upon Noel Edmonds to go all David Icke on us.

Have this for starters. Notice the quote marks – I’m not making this shit up..

Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour. They look like little round planets but they come in all shapes and sizes. Conventional photography can’t pick them up but digital cameras can.

They think?

Orbs?

“What are these orbs?” you may ask. What are ‘they’ that think?

When Edmonds was pressed, more Bedlam waffle dribbled from his fucking beard.

My belief is that these are something to do with some form of positive energy and, possibly because I miss my parents like mad, I like to think they are them. I’ve got loads of photographs of me at home with two orbs that visit me.

Edmonds, brain age of 96, is a follower of the New Age theory of Cosmic Ordering which involves writing a wishlist and asking the planets to carry it out. So that’s cleared that up then.

In case it’s not, he continues:

The two that I have are about the size of melons. One sits on my arm and the other is usually in the back of the shot, sitting just over my right shoulder.

Personally I think the bit about them being the size of melons sums it up. Edmonds has has been maddened by constant exposure to his 37 year old girlfriend’s tits following the divorce with his over-the-hill wife a couple of years ago, probably.

Undeterred, the man behind Mr. Blobby – possibly the most disgusting character created since ‘The Wandering Jew’- and snuff movie mogul insists that he can cosmically order stuff for others.

He barks on:

I’ve got a few nice little orders in at the moment. I’ve got one in for a friend who would like to meet the man of her dreams. And another for a couple who had some difficult financial issues recently. I’m confident they will come true.

I’m confident you should order yourself an ambulance, Mr Edmonds. You pointless fuckarse.

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Just a Thought – Daytime TV Adverts

September 15, 2008

Who said the credit crunch was a bad thing? It certainly isn’t if you’re a daytime TV watcher – that’s for sure!

Y’see, thanks to a bunch of Americans not being able to pay their mortgages, the unemployed, the self-employed, the students, the housewives and the ill of this land no longer have to put up with those bloody consolidation loan advertisements … huzzah!

No more Carol Vorderman advising us to put all our eggs into one easy-to-pay basket, no more Picture Loans man being amazed at how little he and his family need to pay, no more hurdlers from all walks of life being turned down for a loan because they’re retired or have bad CCJs. They’ve simply disappeared!

So, let’s all raise our glasses to the credit crunch, ladies and gentlemen! And here’s to it causing the arse to fall out of the ambulance-chasing market next.