NewsGush: Icke and Tina Edmonds

by

Not content with one former TV presenter howling at the moon, the planets seem to have called upon Noel Edmonds to go all David Icke on us.

Have this for starters. Notice the quote marks – I’m not making this shit up..

Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour. They look like little round planets but they come in all shapes and sizes. Conventional photography can’t pick them up but digital cameras can.

They think?

Orbs?

“What are these orbs?” you may ask. What are ‘they’ that think?

When Edmonds was pressed, more Bedlam waffle dribbled from his fucking beard.

My belief is that these are something to do with some form of positive energy and, possibly because I miss my parents like mad, I like to think they are them. I’ve got loads of photographs of me at home with two orbs that visit me.

Edmonds, brain age of 96, is a follower of the New Age theory of Cosmic Ordering which involves writing a wishlist and asking the planets to carry it out. So that’s cleared that up then.

In case it’s not, he continues:

The two that I have are about the size of melons. One sits on my arm and the other is usually in the back of the shot, sitting just over my right shoulder.

Personally I think the bit about them being the size of melons sums it up. Edmonds has has been maddened by constant exposure to his 37 year old girlfriend’s tits following the divorce with his over-the-hill wife a couple of years ago, probably.

Undeterred, the man behind Mr. Blobby – possibly the most disgusting character created since ‘The Wandering Jew’- and snuff movie mogul insists that he can cosmically order stuff for others.

He barks on:

I’ve got a few nice little orders in at the moment. I’ve got one in for a friend who would like to meet the man of her dreams. And another for a couple who had some difficult financial issues recently. I’m confident they will come true.

I’m confident you should order yourself an ambulance, Mr Edmonds. You pointless fuckarse.

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54 Responses to “NewsGush: Icke and Tina Edmonds”

  1. Nick T Says:

    What a house party that was.

    In other news one of my blogs has been removed as it was “either inappropriate or offensive”

    I am as pleased as Punch!

  2. Quincy Phd Says:

    Was it the litle orbs who also advised to him to start speaking his brains about how the country is full and immigrants should go home?

  3. Nick T Says:

    Can we swap him for Cheggers?

  4. Nick T Says:

    i tried to leave a pithy comment on This Is London but couldn’t read the code thing. I blame “Orbs”

  5. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    My wish for Edmonds to disappear up his own pink, spotty arse has clearly not come true, despite me sending it out to the universe. Also, his ludicrous ‘I hate the BBC, I do’ agenda got wheeled out on the same interview. Yawn.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Is he going to prison for not paying his licence?

  7. ugeine Says:

    the man behind Mr. Blobby – possibly the most disgusting character created since ‘The Wandering Jew’

    Eh?

  8. piqued Says:

    Do some research Ugeine

  9. Dave Says:

    I didn’t realise other wordly orbs were nationalists.

  10. ugeine Says:

    I can’t find a thing about him, apart from something that happened on a theatre. Can somebody help?

  11. charliemingles Says:

    Wel, that all sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

  12. piqued Says:

    It’s basically an anti-Semitic motif created in the 16th century. The nazis were very big on its depiction.

  13. ugeine Says:

    I think Mrs Jones down the road has four orbs that follow her round, as a matter of fact.

  14. ugeine Says:

    Piqued. Really? Really?

  15. piqued Says:

    Yep, sure is.

    Put ‘Wandering Jew’ and ‘anti-semitism’ into google

  16. Nick T Says:

    http://www.myspace.com/141806946

    Oh dear…..

  17. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    I’m a Jew. No, seriously. Conservative sect. Some of my cousins are Hassidic. HARDCORE.

    Anyway!

    One of my father’s friends is a mathematician who has jacked it all in to research orbs. Load of nonsense sayeth I, but he’s convinced that their “manifestations” on his digital photographs in the presence of their son who died in his early twenties from muscular dystrophy. I’d laugh at his foray into the New Age if it wasn’t based in such tragedy.

    ..and lo, a pall fell over the room.

    Soz lads. BACK TO THE IRREVERANT ANTI-SEMITISM. ^_^

  18. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: Sorry, I’m mixed up. By comparing blobby to the wandering jew I thought NP meant there was some kind of sinister backstory to the character, like maybe he was designed to take the piss out of gay people. Then you said ‘It’s basically an anti-Semitic motif created in the 16th century. The nazis were very big on its depiction.’

    I just checked mr blobby’s wikipedia page at least four times and had this mental image of blackshirts marching with a mr blobby flag. God, somebody should shoot me.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    There wasn’t any anti-semitism was there? The opposite, I thought…

    Maybe I am being thick.

    As for orbs – are we talking about tits?

    It’s all too much for me…

  20. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    I don’t think there was. I’m having trouble grasping the vital filament of things today.

    NO RUDE JOKES! “Vital filament.” Heeeeeeeeee.

  21. piqued Says:

    Yes, I was suggesting, all be it facetiously, that Mr. Blobby was as bad as anti-Semitism

    (I have a drop of the Jewish oil in me too)

  22. piqued Says:

    …and by ‘oil’ I was suggesting anything derogatory. I can assure you the only thing that I’m genuinely prejudiced about is fascism

  23. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    I’m prejudiced against Ugg Boots and Juicy Couture tracksuits. But only when worn in tandem. Individually they are offensive, yes, but only as one’s neighbour’s tacky lawn ornaments are in contrast to one’s aesthetic. Harmless tat.

    But when pulled together in an unholy union – I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

  24. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    Sorry. I’ve been drinking all day.

  25. piqued Says:

    Mrs TAF-S, you’ve just described Jordan, do you wish to join my torch-lit mob to her fucking mansion?

  26. ugeine Says:

    Piqued, no problem, it’s just that in a moment of incomprehensible stupidity I thought you were been serious rather then facetious. I worry about myself sometimes.

    Don’t worry, I remember you ripping those Hitler Youths on everyonesconnected a new one, I don’t need reminding where you stand on racism!

  27. Swineshead Says:

    As for Ugg boots – my missus bought some 20 quid ones to use as slippers. I can assure you she doesn’t wear them out of the house.

  28. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    See, that’s what they were designed for: slumming about in one’s own surroundings. Under those circumstances, the only possible option for bodywear is a fuzzy dressing gown and a bowl of ice cream.

    But out of the house? WHY? I posit the same question to the mums who drop their children off at school (and pick them up) in pyjama bottoms and puffy jackets. Is that just a Glasgow thing?

    Geh.

    As for Jordan, I would dearly love to torch her domicile, but I worry that the concentration of synthetic hair and Peter Andre’s hair oil would result in an inferno that no one could stop.

  29. piqued Says:

    Ugeine, you remember that? Blimey, I didn’t know you went that far back.

  30. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: I was on that site nearly five years, though I used to go around a lot of different groups. It was a while till i found the Dirty Corner.

    I went on ubuti the other day, they finally succeeded in turning it into a Christian site.

  31. piqued Says:

    Were you using that moniker? How come you found us?

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Ms Fortescue – I sometimes go to the shop for teabags in tracky bottoms and sandals like some sort of at-home drug dealer. Is this ok?

  33. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    So long as you can keep in my middle-class coke-using habit, then, yes.

    How much for three grams? I’ve a few girlfriends coming over for brunch tomorrow.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    3 grammes of cola ain’t gonna quench your thirst – I only go as low as 2 litres.

  35. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    PS: I think I’ll start a fashion advice helpline. You know, for those worrying social conundrums like “Is it declasse to drink dark spirits after Summer Bank Holiday?”

  36. Mrs. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    Ooooh. British metric spelling.

    TOUCHE.

  37. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: my name was Stuart bloody Stuart on it. I remember I used to talk to a couple of Brits (Nick and Matt) and non Christian Americans, and then the Christians invaded, and you guys seemed to be the ones with your heads screwed on the most after that. Some of the crap they used to Spout about Islam, abortion, creationism, it still makes me chuckle (or get angry, depending on the day).

  38. Swineshead Says:

    I am actually drinking far too much cola these days. My brain is shrinking.

  39. Nick T Says:

    I saw a lovely lad out with his sweetheart last saturday.
    He was wearing a tee shirt that read

    “5uck my co.ck”

    I have been giggling ever since.

    “Mum, I can’t find my tee shirt”

    “Which one?”

    ” The Suck my cock one!”

    “I’m going out with Chris on Saturday, I hope he wears his 5uck my co.ck tee shirt”

    etc…..

  40. ugeine Says:

    I used to have one of those Female Body Inspector shirts. Family gift. I wore it to sixth form as I didn’t want to hurt them and never really lived it down.

  41. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    SH: I don’t know that you can afford that shrinkage. Best start eating oily fish or whatever the culinary raison d’etre is at the moment.

  42. Four Thaw For Phwwooaaar Says:

    Why, Whatt a foray of ill-iterate, intolerable castinions of arbtirary isolitutoudous perfanonomity. Indestude, follackled subjudettes! Harrumph!

    M.I.A.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    *brain capsizes*

  44. charliemingles Says:

    only a man who failed his o level english and never went back could talk like that four thaw.

  45. Four Thaw For Phwwooaaar Says:

    Incarcerated behemoth of insufferbaility to whom inferality denies, Charliemingles.

  46. ugeine Says:

    cleft.

  47. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    ..palate?

  48. charliemingles Says:

    yup. I was right the first time. I believe the night classes start up again soon though, so dont despair.

  49. Four Thaw For Phwwooaaar Says:

    incessant anti-intelelct. A scholars mire! Piffy pomposity prescribed preamble. Bumble on.

  50. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    Wots “intelelct”?

  51. wally bazoom Says:

    No real opinion on Noel’s floating orbs, but I’m coming out in defence of the Blobby criticism. History has been unkind – Blobby is a genius of comedy. If you strip comedy down to it’s barest essence, it’s essentially a indistinct, shrieking pink shape relentlessly falling down some stairs, and therefore is the funniest joke ever made.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    I have to admit, I laughed when Mr Blobby fell over on the man.

  53. Clarry Says:

    P.S Sorry Wally, almost forgot to write back – well done from being from Sleaford!

  54. Clarry Says:

    *for being

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