NewsGush: Jonathan Arse Welcomes Cheryl Cole

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This week Jonathan Ross’s megastar guest is world-famous Cheryl Cole – the extraordinarily untalented Girls Aloud singer and charm-free co-sneerer on The Fucking X Factor.

By Christ – looking at some of the quotes it looks like Cheryl’s coming out with some really incisive stuff – we’re talking content that has never even been considered by a human mind before – let’s take a look. And please, if this just seems like gobbledegook, please don’t feel inadequate. We are looking at some pretty dangerous material here in terms of cutting edge topical observation.

“There’s no such thing as a private life in this industry. I spoke openly about my marriage in the past and it’s come back to hit me in the face… I learnt from the past that you shouldn’t do that.”

 “There’s something about celebrities having a perfect life. People need to relax and realise we’re human, too.”

 “All the tabloids have to fill their pages [even] when we’re not doing anything, it just rolls on.”

How very stoic. It’s amazing she can cope with all the publicity she gets when she and her money-grabbing bumfaced husband do absolutely nothing to court it.

I can tell you this: I’ll be tuning in, along with the rest of the nation, eager to focus on the complex nuggets of wisdom this intellectual powerhouse spouts from her stunning face whilst Jonathan Arse looks on wistfully, considering how much of our license fee he’d pay to have a go on her.

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87 Responses to “NewsGush: Jonathan Arse Welcomes Cheryl Cole”

  1. Nick T Says:

    Perhaps she’ll have some bonkers “orbs” theories to share?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Bonkers’?

    How dare you – Cheryl’s not a cosmic mentalist. She’s an ideas merchant – she deals in inspiration. And anyone who says she is a charmless annoyance is incorrect.

  3. Nick T Says:

    I enjoyed the segment earlier on where she had to reject (again) some no hoper that did’t make the grade on the show that bought her to fame(?)

    “I can’t do this” she blubbed.

    Talentless twat.

    She may provide her cructh for the needy so I’ll say no more….

  4. Nick T Says:

    Cructch?

    Of course I meant snatch…..

  5. ugeine Says:

    Someone’s a bitter gooner!

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I assure you, this has nothing to do with my beloved Arsenal. Honest.

  7. ugeine Says:

    I could understand if it was, I still get that knot in the pit of my stomach when I see Andy Kirk running around in a Yeovil shirt.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Pires was interviewed on Sky Sports just before the Man U k/o last night.
    Good old Pires. Forever in his debt (let’s brush over the dive at Portsmouth for the sake of nostalgia).

    And brush over this, too

  9. ugeine Says:

    To be fair to Girls Aloud, they did write the best anal sex themed pop song.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    What’s the song?
    And did they write it? I’d be surprised if they could write their own names.

    The best anal sex themed song is below (apologies for rubbish video)

    http://www.last.fm/music/Frank+Zappa/+videos/+1-PPVZhSJr4bM

  11. Nick T Says:

    Is there a second best?

  12. ugeine Says:

    ‘Is there a second best?’

    Yes: Cliff Richard, any hole’s a goal.

  13. Wenchy Says:

    I love Cheryl. Love her – I have such a huge lady crush on her, she is just stunning.

    Her husband, on the other hand, is a complete and utter cunt.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Cheryl’s a pooface. Sorry to crush your dreams, but she’s a hard-faced bastard.

  15. ugeine Says:

    Sorry, the song is ‘something kind of oooh’.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – I know the tune. It sucks balls.

  17. Davesthermalpants Says:

    We all know she’s in the band because she has a face you want to rub your gibbins on. There isn’t a debate beyond that.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Gibbins’

    That’s disgusting.

    Now I’ve got that fucking tune going round my mind.

    Something kind of OOOH
    Sticking out my POOP CHUTE

  19. ugeine Says:

    You’re not against the license fee are you, SH?

  20. Joanne Says:

    Much like Wenchy, I really like Cheryl. And hate her whiny cunt of a husband.

  21. ugeine Says:

    What’s Ashley done that’s so bad?

  22. Swineshead Says:

    The contract moaning in his autobiography was disgraceful, Ugeine.

    I’m all for the licence fee, Nick.

    Cheryl – what’s to like? She is literally just a pretty face.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I agree with this explanation…

    http://gunnerblog.com/?p=393

  24. Joanne Says:

    Ashley:
    Played for both Arsenal and Chelsea. Which makes him scum x2.

    He cheated on Cheryl who, let’s face it, is fit as fuck. Scum x3

    He’s a nasty dirty little player with a habit of throwing temper tantrums. Scum x4

  25. Mikey Says:

    I think what Wenchy and Joanne are saying is that they would like to see Wayne Bridge given a run in the first team in the left back position. I would agree, but consider the idea that Scolari is developing the Brazilian style of overlapping fullbacks and perhaps Cole might be the better choice. However on the other flank the new signing Boswinga seems to be mastering the style required for this style of play, and we may be seeing the best and most exciting right back the Premiership has seen to date. If Cole can develop his play to this level on the left, then his best years may be in front of him.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Sagna is the best right back in the prem, Mikey – that’s obvious.

  27. Joanne Says:

    I think what Mikey is trying to say is that just because we’re girls we know nothing about football. An assumption in which he is sadly mistaken. Well, on my part anyway.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    No need to be defensive, I’m sure he just wanted to share a bit of his insight – he knows his onions after all.

    Wayne Bridge is shit, mind you.

    Who do you support then, Joanne?

  29. Nick T Says:

    I know nothing about fooball nor do I want to..

  30. Mikey Says:

    I thought Eboue looked very good in the position, but Wenger seems to have moved him to midfield in recent times.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Eboue’s a squad player through and through. I’ve not known an Arsenal player before Eboue who so many fans actively dislike. He does dive and get fighty far too often.

  32. Davesthermalpants Says:

    United are better than Arsenal.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Marisa Tomei is better looking than Gillian Anderson.

  34. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Bitch.

  35. ugeine Says:

    Aaah, the autobiography. That explains why there’s a lot of aminosity towards him. I wondered if it purely because of the Chelsea move and the cheating thing (which are hardly exclusive in football).

    Oh, and United are due for their three years of medicority now.

  36. Mikey Says:

    Whilst the gooners were having their harrowing divorce with Cashley, don’t forget that at Stamford Bridge we were having difficulties with our beloved William. When the divorce settlement came through I think the gooners did better. But Ashley’s with us, Williams with you and we must progress!

  37. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Even if United go mediocre again (which isn’t due by any logic other than a Gooners) Manchester will still be winning the league via City. So, either way. Manchester is the centre of the footballing world. Deal with it.

  38. Mikey Says:

    don’t forget FC United too Dave.

  39. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Perhaps in fifteen years, Mikey. Seen them play a couple of times and they’re shaping up well.

  40. Mikey Says:

    Dave–Until a team from London wins the Champions league, I am afraid you maybe right. Hopefully this campaign a London team will bring the trophy to the Olympic City!

  41. Nick T Says:

    Oh dear….

    I’m off to Lighten Up Winchester!

    http://www.winchester.gov.uk/Documents/Event/Open_Up_leaflet.pdf

    Amazing what I’ll do for money

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you are talking shit.

    Man City have cash but they also have Mark Hughes as Manager. They won’t win the premiership with him in charge. Good Manager, but not a title winner.

  43. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I agree with you, SH. But Hughes will be out on his arse next summer – no matter how much compensation they’ll have to dish out.

  44. Mikey Says:

    Man City are big financial players in the Premiership. They will buy and be ruthless. Where this leaves Mark Hughes we will see. He will get his money whatever happens though.

  45. Mikey Says:

    Anyway should we not be talking about television?
    Hmm..Let’s see…

    Hey did anyone watch the football last night?

  46. indy Says:

    being a gooner, i still cannot sympathize with sagna’s choice (?) of hairdo. a bit too creative for a defender/defensive midfielder. i am looking forward though to see how vela will do this year. last night’s game in kiev turned out to be a little too exciting for my taste. i would have preferred to see the semi-russians been given the “blackburn” treatment

  47. Swineshead Says:

    I watched the football, as it happens Mikey…

    Everyone’s obsessed with finance. You can’t score with a wad of cash. A successful football team is about talent management. Not just talent.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Indy – I didn’t realise you were a Swedish Gooner. Lovely stuff.
    Was it Freddie that brought you to the fold? Or maybe Anders Limpar’s mighty mullet?

  49. indy Says:

    yes sir, swedish gooner. that’s me. i guess it was the combination of living close to highbury (finsbury park, close to the arsenal mechandise shop) and freddiemania. limpar’s mullet didn’t impress me much, even though it was mightier than sagna’s hairdo.

  50. Mikey Says:

    Apparently the term “gooner” may have come from Arsenal’s Swedish/Scandanavian fans because they couldn’t pronounce the word “Gunners” properly.

  51. indy Says:

    sh: but what were they thinking when they sold off flamster and hleb? and why did wenger insist on bringing in silvestre from man utd? i predict a rocky season and hope that we’ll make it to the top four.

    add a moustache to woss fist-friendly face and he’ll look like the barman in dr quinn…

  52. Wenchy Says:

    Something Kinda Ooooh isn’t the anal sex song, it’s The Show.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    Flamini and Hleb had to go – the former wanted to go badly and the latter was a tit.

    We’ll be alright. Someone like Song or Wilshere is going to be a sudden genius discovery, it’s the way things go with Arsene.

    I quite like Sagna’s ‘Venus Williams circa 1998’ beads.

  54. Mikey Says:

    Bring back Perry Groves!

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Moving on – I’ve got The Family and Celeb Come Dine With Me to put myself through tonight. Any good?

  56. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I watched that Jim Davidson thing last night. What an upstanding man he is.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got that recorded as well… more than likely be deleted without viewing…

    Quiet today, eh?

    *whistles ruefully*

  58. Davesthermalpants Says:

    ‘We were starting to get on with the black until they let them be traffic wardens…boo hoo I’m an alcoholic….I hate women…I am a misunderstood soul…I beat my wife…I don’t hate anybody…I’m the best comedia ever’

    He’s a cunt of the highest order, so’s John Vergo by proxy.

  59. charliemingles Says:

    I used to really fancy her when girls aloud first started.

    She’s hideous on the X factor now though – all skinny and styled. thank god she makes up for it with her wit and musical genius.

    I have to content myself with imagining Daniiiiii minogue hasnt changed her knickers for three days after a porn shoot.

    Thankfully, that does the trick.

  60. charliemingles Says:

    xtra! read all about it!

    http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/slapstick-wtf/

  61. ugeine Says:

    Sorry, Wenchy, that’s the one. I was going off the top of my head. GA Songs aren’t really my forte.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    cant speak french is pretty catchy though.

    *Puts down paper, cleans glasses on cardigan, taps foot along*

  63. piqued Says:

    Didn’t Cheryl Cole assualt a black girl in a pub loo and use racist wordage? Or was that Jim Davidson

  64. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I don’t know, Piqued, but that new Metallica stuff is awful Eh?

    daveselectricblanket.wordpress.com

  65. piqued Says:

    It’s not as bad as St. Anger. Few good tracks. I prefer the older stuff

  66. Clarry Says:

    “Moving on – I’ve got The Family and Celeb Come Dine With Me to put myself through tonight. Any good?”

    Phew, massive work load cleared! Now to the important stuff….

    I watched celeb ‘Come Dine With Me’ last night and it was an absolutely cracking episode. What a quartet they scored there! Lee from Blue (thick as pig shit, no really), Michelle Heaton (alcoholic with no knickers and saggy tits – touch of class, eh lads?), Linda Barking-mad (actually quite nice and normal) and Peter Stringyhair (dirty old man who’s shit at cooking).

    Things to watch for include:

    a) Lee’s pronunciation of the word ‘thyme’
    b) Peter’s daughter, sorry fiance, and the catty comments LB and MH make
    c) Linda trying pass off her ‘vintage champagne’ from Sainsbury’s to Peter
    d) Michelle’s classy wardrobe
    e) Peter’s kitchen breaking
    f) Peter’s lustrous hair in dinner

    I wasn’t allowed to watch The Family, but I did catch about 10 minutes of it. Watch out for the world’s most moody teenager.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    That’s quite an endorsement there, Clarry. I’m looking forward to it now…

  68. charliemingles Says:

    you should be reviewing that on WWM properly Clarry. we need a classy chic on this channel.

    It’s like a locker room in here these days with all that football and heavy metal talk.

  69. ugeine Says:

    ‘It’s like a locker room in here these days with all that football and heavy metal talk.’

    Duuuuuuuuuude!

    *towel whips charlie*

  70. Clarry Says:

    A pleasure to be of service chaps!

    CCDWM is well worth a watch.

    Don’t think I can be bothered to watch The Family on repeat – it’s like Big Brother, but with a hormonal teenager called Emily who would actually give Chalie Uchea from BB8 a run for her money.

  71. piqued Says:

    Chalie, Carry?

    (c wot i dun ther)

  72. Clarry Says:

    Ha ha – I also realise it’s Charley not Charlie. How can I be trusted to write a review if I can’t even get a simple name right? How?

  73. charliemingles Says:

    youre right. I take it back – youre an idiot.

  74. piqued Says:

    It’s ‘you’re’ right, ‘you’re’ an idiot

    Touche

  75. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued old boy – I didn’t realise we were now picking each other up on spelling mistakes in these comments section.

    And you need a full stop after that last sentence.

    See how annoying it is?

    To think I used to like you …

    * cancels bunch of flowers*

  76. daveselectricblanket Says:

    And he needed to capitalise the quote, the sod.

  77. Who Says:

    How is ‘The Show’ about anal sex?

    I’ll accept a written description, or pictures.

  78. ugeine Says:

    Not sure. It sounds like a standard love song but then theres:

    If it’s not you oh no I won’t do that
    You’ll have to wait for me and that is that

    I won’t (ooh), unless you want me to
    I want (you), get in the queue
    [Repeat]

    That special something, that they are hunting
    They’re always wanting, more and more

    And something kind of ooh goes:

    Cant dance – no pain, no gain, no show
    Jump to the beat all night dont roll
    If you wanna handle me
    You got to keep up

    Something kinda ooh,
    Jumping on my toot-toot
    Something ‘side of me,
    Wants some part of you oo-ooh.

    But then, think that Adele was just a dumb girl who didn’t realise that pavements were stationery? Think again: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chasing+pavements .

    So they both could, or could not, be about anal sex. But whatever the case, that Adele is one dirty bitch.

  79. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Dancing (With TearsIn My Eyes) is about anal sex. I’ve just decided this very now. Fuck the cold war.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    I’m both impressed and disturbed ugeine that you typed up the lyrics to a Girls Aloud song.

    Thanks for reducing the testosterone levels back down to normal.

    You should check that you haven’t grown breasts yet though.

  81. goerge Says:

    I’ve been going a bit strange lately Charlie, for instance I’d rather sit through the entire girls aloud discography then the latest libertinesalike.

  82. charliemingles Says:

    As Ive confessed here before – I quite like Girls Aloud. And Im heterosexual.

    Youre a girl though arent you goerge? Its allowed (aloud) See what i did there?

  83. charliemingles Says:

    Goerge: You need to put some cream on that before it spreads to your Iggy Pop collection and ruins everything.

    Dr Charles Mingles
    (first consultation free)

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Jusr remembered Girl I’m Gonna Make You Sweat by some eighties reggae outfit. Filthy.

    Look you in the big brown eye eye – ah ah ah ah

  85. charliemingles Says:

    and of course theres Brown-eyed Girl by Van Morrison

  86. Joanne Says:

    RE: Swineshead’s question from hours ago. I’m a Manchester United fan.

    I can’t see how either of those songs are about anal sex?

  87. indy Says:

    sh: “Jusr (sic) remembered Girl I’m Gonna Make You Sweat by some eighties reggae outfit. Filthy.

    Look you in the big brown eye eye – ah ah ah ah”

    yup. inner circle was their name. huge on the ferrys to finland. the genre is know as deutsche reggae. selected (awful) genre tracks: “raising my family” and “one more reggae for the road”.

    further inner circle lyrics:

    “and if you cry – i’m gonna push – push-shit push-shit – it some more”

    gross.

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