NewsGush: Strictly Come Dribbling


Here’s some news for you from the BBC Website

Former EastEnders star Phil Daniels has become the first celebrity to leave BBC One hit Strictly Come Dancing.

Daniels and partner Flavia Cacace were voted off the dance show after performing a waltz.

The judges gave them just 20 points and the viewers’ votes failed to save them from landing a place in the bottom two, then the dance-off.

It’s sad when your heroes seem to droop into the light entertainment or reality TV hinterland. I’ve never seen Strictly Come Dancing as the original Come Dancing used to be the show I most deliberately avoided as a child. Sexless, orange women in sheer dresses that only reveal thick tights and androgynous, tangerine men with rictus grins dancing to music your Nan likes. The stuff of nightmares.

So let’s commend Mr Daniels for getting out early (presumably with his full fee) and let’s curse the Eastenders bosses for killing him off too early. And let’s think of Daniels the way he should be thought of… as Jimmy from Quadrophenia.


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236 Responses to “NewsGush: Strictly Come Dribbling”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I watched Strictly in a post-holiday stupor on Saturday night. IT’S JUST DANCING! The bloody fuss they make about it, you’d think there’d be all manner of stuff going on … but no! IT’S JUST FUCKING DANCING!

    Like from the olden days!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t get into it. I can’t say I even like Brucie…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I watched It’ll Be Alright On The Night on Saturday which was nice and nostalgic. I see they’ve got Rhys Jones in for Norden, but they haven’t lengthened his arms to complete the effect.

    For some reason, this made me laught a lot, despite the fact I don’t like either participant.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Brucie kept fucking up his lines. I reckon he’s slipping into senility. I would ‘do’ that Tess what’s-‘er-name, mind. Even though she looks to have flat tits, I’d still ‘do’ her.

    Kat off of EastEnders looks like a right mangy old bird nowadays. And whoever suggested she got herself that haircut should be shot.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Tess Daley is Vernon Kaye’s wife. If you so much as looked at her, Vern’d be all over you with his skinny wrists trying to beat down.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    He’s a tall fella, I’ll give him that. Best avoided, the big fellas. They can use their height to pound you into the ground like a wooden stake. Too much o’ that, and all you’ll be able to do is swing uselessly at his knees.

    I’ll leave Tess and her flat tits well alone.

    And speaking of on-screen Tesses: Jesus wept that woman in Tess of the D’Urbervilles is worth leaving your wife for.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    She’s a fallen woman – tainted. I’d only go for a women as pure as the driven snow, just like what my Dad said.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Well obviously Tess brought it all on herself (I believe that’s what used to happen in Ye Olden Days), but I still would. I don’t mind a fallen woman … nowadays it’s incredibly difficult to find one who isn’t. The slatterns.

    Have you been watching Tess, then? The missus has got into it, so muggins ‘ere is being dragged along for the ride. She hasn’t read (ploughed through) the book, so doesn’t realise how tits-up it’ll end up going for the girl. I’ve lied and told her it all comes good in the end.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I read it for college a decade ago and had forgotten all but the basics. My better half also read it so I’ve watched this version.

    I usually hate that sort of thing…

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind these sumptuous costume dramas nowadays. Lark Rise to Candleford and Cranford were good, and this one’s not bad at all. The BBC seem to be on a bit of a roll with ’em. Unlike EastEnders, which is a fucking joke.

  11. ugeine Says:

    Who would have thought that ball room dancing could pull in a peak crowd? It’s a bit of a old school idea.

  12. Clarry Says:

    Morning all!

    Good weekends?

  13. Swineshead Says:

    If it’s your cup of tea, then I suppose they’re alright.

    They’re not really my cup of tea.

    Anyway, why do they make TV versions of pre-20th century classics but not of any of the 20th Century books I like?

    Actually – thinking about it – Nausea might be quite a dull TV series. A French bloke in the street getting confused by a tree for half an hour.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    I have no idea why, Ugeine. It’s practically the same as Come Dancing, save for celebrities and four arseholes passing judgement. Nobody watched Come Dancing (which was on at about eleven thirty at night), yet stick Brucie and the bloke off of Rising Damp in it, and suddenly it’s incredibly popular. Bewilders me, as it’s just fucking dancing.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Lovely weekend thanks, Clarry… apart from the bit where I ate a pot noodle really quickly.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I had a shit weekend. Y’self?

    Swineshead – I think they make the pre-20th century stuff because it’s all heaving bosoms and romance and that. Brings in the ladies who like all that breeches and steely stares stuff, and brings in the fellas for the quivering tits.

  17. ugeine Says:

    They should make a programme where they examine Jack Kerouac’s On The Road. It would be made as a documentary, and then used as a vehicle for Russel Brand. Then they should put that on BBC I player, that would make very tedious Sunday evening viewing.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    All the 20th century literature I like was made into films in the ’70s starring the likes of Robert Shaw, David Niven, Roger Moore, Burt Reynolds and Lee Marvin. I’ve heard of Kerouac, but if his work doesn’t involve grenades, guts, guns, raids, explosions and neck-snappings, then you can just go right ahead and shove it up your fucking arse.

  19. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Lost in Austen was a clever bit of postmodernist toss. That had cleavage.

    As for the dancing, I’d watch that over the X Factor any a day. But then again I only watch that to laugh at people’s dreams being shattered.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see Lost In Austin. It had quivering bosoms, did it? Might hunt it down off of this ‘ere teletext super highway.

  21. Clarry Says:

    I had a lovely weekend thanks.

    Had a triumphant shopping trip on saturday – bought series 1-5 of Peep Show (yay!), some secret birthday things, some CDs, and Fulcher and Berry’s Snuff Box on DVD. Can’t believe I managed to miss that little beauty until now – have you seen it? Fucking hell it’s funny.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Snuff Box was alright actually – I saw a few episodes…

    Oh – and Harry & paul was SHIT this week.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds like a waste of money to me. You could have invested that cash in an ISA, Clarry.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see this week’s Harry & Paul. Last week’s was alright – liked The Hoodies, though I’m amazed nobody’s done that joke before.

  25. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I had a continental weekend. Belgian bar on Saturday with some Finnish chums, quality coffee outdoors on Saturday with German folk. The match Sunday.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    The only thing that made me laugh this weekend was Alright On The Night. I’ve a mental age of 59.

  27. mostlylouche Says:

    I liked the first Strictly Come Dancing even if the name did annoy me, what does it even mean?

    The reason I watched it the first time was mostly due to that girl from Mis-Teeq being in it. She doesn’t appear to be in this series and so I don’t think I’ll be watching it.

    Also that program about On The Road was shit, who commissions this crap?

  28. Clarry Says:

    That sort of thing is right up my street. There were only 6 in all – what a shame? I’ve had to keep two in reserve for later. How come excellent, funny progs like that and Darkplace disappear without trace from telly yet shit like TPOLAAPOC get recommissioned time and again and are on repeat constantly?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That sounds like the worst weekend imaginable. Belgian? The home of The Bloody EEC? Finnish? Collaborated with the Nazis in World War II? German? The actual Nazis of World War II?


  30. ugeine Says:

    Snuff Box is massively underrated. It lived in the shadow of The Boosh a bit, and it’s slower paced then that show, but it has a real surreal power if you watch a few episodes.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Because nobody watched Darkplace or Snuff Box. TPOLAAPOC had big viewing figures – proving that the country’s stuffed to the gills with morons.

  32. Nick T Says:

    I saw this on saturday nigh
    Bloody hell! We’re all dommed DOOMED I TELL YEE.

    I went surfiing yesterday so ner….

    I still haven’t got over Lister being in Coronation Street!

  33. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Zeitgeist is for morons. I’m a moron and even I could see how unscientific and historically accurate it all was. I was so distressed by its bullshit I pissed on my PC.

    Zeitgeist II is out soon as well – all for the morons that take Loose Change as gospel. Fools!

  34. Clarry Says:

    I always loved Boosh (getting a bit sick of it now), but I think Snuff Box is way, way better. It reminds me of a combination of Smell/Bang Bang era of Vic and Bob, Big Train, and Jam.

    I wish that they wouldn’t put progs like SB on BBC3 in such a weird slot. Too easy to miss.

  35. Mikey Says:

    I am a fan of Thomas Hardy and have read many of his books. He adapts well to the screen and I think the films are usually better than the TV series, though having said that the Mayor of Casterbridge was a good TV series. Remember these books were the “soaps” of their times as they were mostly serialisations. Polanski’s Tess and The Woodlanders of 1998 were good films in my opinion. As for Kerouac, I think it would be difficult to make “On the road” into a film that gets the essence of the book. Apparently it is being made, but it is the language and the style of writing that is important. We will see.
    As for the match, that Ferguson and his tactics of putting Hargreaves and Park on our (previously) marauding full backs, was not cricket was it?

  36. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, but TPOLAAPOC only have big viewing figures because they play it on the 9-11 slot pretty much daily and if you want to watch BBC3 you’ve got no choice but to watch it.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve read On The Road and I have to say that it’s bloody overrated.
    It’s alright… Ferlinghetti was the best of that bunch.

    The Russell Brand thing about OTR was a vanity piece – presumably part of his radio deal. It wasn’t exactly groundbreaking, granted.

  38. ugeine Says:

    Agreed Clarry, I think it’s gone a bit over the hill now. Problem is, it’s got so big, they don’t have to try as hard as they’ve already got a strong group of fans who are going to laugh no matter what they write really, look at how many jokes they repeated this series. And their latest live show got panned in The Guardian as well.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Then don’t watch BBC3. I don’t think it’s compulsory. I note the ‘creators of Two Pints’ have a new series coming up that looks equally moronic.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    “And their latest live show got panned in The Guardian as well.”

    Not that that means fuck all. One man didn’t like it, that’s all that means.

  41. mostlylouche Says:

    Swineshead – Piqued said I should read On the Road. Is it such bobbins that I should punch him in the mouth for suggesting it or should I just read it with a sneer and then kick him in the shins?

  42. Mikey Says:

    Did you see Ronaldo and his dive when challenged by Lampard? Lampard didn’t touch him, absolutely no contact and clear daylight between the two players. I am beginning to think some of these Premiership football players playact.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Is ‘On The Road’ one of those pretentious books they tell people to read at University? And are there killings? Thanks.

  44. Clarry Says:

    “Clarry – Then don’t watch BBC3. I don’t think it’s compulsory. I note the ‘creators of Two Pints’ have a new series coming up that looks equally moronic.”

    NC – I did think that to myself after reading that back – duh! What I meant was that with the law of averages the more it’s on the more it’s watched, and shit like ‘Two Pints’ and ‘Titty Bang Bang’ etc are peddled endlessly.

  45. ugeine Says:

    Nothing wrong with a bit of diving, won us that game against Argentina.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I suppose they’re relatively cheap to make and very, very easy to write. Something like Darkplace probably took ’em months to write one episode – Two Pints I’d say would take fifteen minutes flat for a two hour Christmas special.

  47. piqued Says:

    Thomas Hardy is duller than an Argos receipt for Tupperware; even thinking about the Trumpet Major is enough to send me into yawning hibernation.

    What is the ITV/BBC obsession for fucking twee costume dramas? I think they’ve make Tess of the Dobermans about 50 fucking times in the last decade. I wouldn’t mind but outside of the all the blushes and ram rod straight niceties, most of the men were off slaughtering and raping overseas. When they did get back they spent most of their days bumming mudlarks.

    Cunts, every last one of ’em.

  48. indy Says:


  49. Swineshead Says:

    On The Road probably blew the minds of people our age in the 60s but time has worn it a bit thin, I’d say – but it’s still good reading for someone just out of puberty.

    So yes, Louche – you’ll probably enjoy it.

    Ha ha ha that was a good joke.

    NC – there aren’t any explosions – just an American lad travelling about with his mate who he idolises despite the fact he’s Sherlock Holmes’s nemesis.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Thomas Hardy is duller than an Argos receipt for Tupperware

    Good God, man.

    Jude The Obscure is a masterpiece.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – You’d think a man who spends half his life pointing out how sophisticated he is to anyone who’ll listen would lap this sort of stuff up. You twerp.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – No explosions? Bugger. Any car chases? A bit where he shoots a drug dealer?

  53. daveselectricblanket Says:

    That Russell Brand thing was wafer thin, wasn’t it? My Bookie Wook is no qualification to make a hashed-up mess of a documentary.

  54. Mikey Says:

    Nature, fate, Egdon Heath and the encroaching new mechanistic society. Thats what it’s all about!

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – If that’s what it’s all about, it sounds like a big bag of balls. I’m currently reading something I got out of the library called ‘The War For All The Oceans’. It’s about the naval battles of the Napoleonic war, and is full of amputations, gangrene, biscuits full of weevils and disreputable ladies back at port licking the salty rime from the underside of a sea dog’s baranacled bollocks. A cracking read.

  56. piqued Says:

    I’ve not read Jude the Obscure, never been able to find a copy

    *laughs weakly*

  57. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve not read that, neither. Is there guns?

  58. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Sounds rubbish. I bought Choke from Waterstones yesterday and the guy behind the counter rightly looked at me like I was a reactionary, hype-following fuckface.

  59. Clarry Says:

    As you can probably tell from my half-arsed comments so far this morning, my eyes and brain are not sufficiently open to talk about literature.

    I did watch X-factor though. I thought they were very mean to the Alan Penfold man at the end. The panel should all feel guilty and should’ve given him £500 each to escape his life of being endlessly teased on his pizza delivery round.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – that’s because Choke (like most of Chuck’s output) is stupid. God knows why I bothered.

    As for Jude The Obscure – great gag Piqued, almost absolves your Hardy-smear. No guns in it sadly, though it does go quite dark.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    What sounds rubbish, Dave? Jude the Obscure, On The Road, or The War For All The Oceans? I hope it’s not the last one, as that’s full of crusty old salts being blown in half by thunderous reports, and then still doing their duty for King and Country!

  62. daveselectricblanket Says:

    The one about the model that has a car crash is shite. I’m a glutten for punishment, SH. It’s controversialism at best.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – that man was clearly unstable. I half expected him to flop his member out and start sawing it off with a swiss army knife. He’s the type who goes killer in Woolworths.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll admit Survivor wasn’t too bad, if you fancy reading a load of old pap.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    No guns in it? Bloody hell. Is there a bit where he has to cauterize a wound using gunpowder, a box of matches and Great British spunk?

  66. daveselectricblanket Says:

    SH – Invisible Monsters, I mean.I’ve heard Survivor is decent from certian folk.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Survivor was rubbish. Skinny bright orange girls in bikinis doing stupid stuff on an island with that newsreader fella playing ringmaster. That’s not back on, is it?

  68. daveselectricblanket Says:

    NC – If you watched the brilliant sc-fi series Lexx, an I know you did, you’d have watched the brilliant Survivor parody in which the islanders were attacked by little robot things that burrow into your skin!

    Briliiant stuff and better than your book.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t watch that, Dave, as I’m not a spotty, pasty-faced sunlight avoider with a penchant for wanking in the dark. And it wasn’t as good as my book, as my book has just informed me that Nelson spent a large portion of the Battle of the Nile with a flap of his own forehead hanging over his good eye, thus rendering him blind. AND STILL HE WON! Stirring, patriotic stuff … unlike your childish obsession with pretend space stuff, you white-fleshed ghoul.

  70. piqued Says:

    ‘Briliiant stuff and better than your book’

    How does it compare to your spelling of ‘brilliant?’

  71. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Punctuation please, Piqued. You pseudointellectual hobgoblin.

  72. Clarry Says:

    “Clarry – that man was clearly unstable. I half expected him to flop his member out and start sawing it off with a swiss army knife. He’s the type who goes killer in Woolworths.”

    Wasn’t he just? It broke my heart when he said he performs at karaoke and that it normally goes down well. I can just imagine him standing in the pub all night nursing a half of orange squash, being ignored, waiting for his turn on the stage, hoping that someday he’ll make a friend… At least he was holding down a job and trying to maintain some semblance of normality. Poor bastard, why did they have to make a big point of it? I can just imagine the drunken students of Caterham ringing his pizza place and getting a home delivery, ripping the shit out of him on arrival.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Punctuation’s not Piqued’s greatest strength. His talents lie in telling us he listens to Radio 4 so we can all admire his cleverness, making ‘sensational’ foodstuffs (junk you wouldn’t feed a dog), and poo-pooing soap operas he secretly watches.

  74. piqued Says:

    What like ‘pseudo-intellectual Hobgoblin’ fuckwit?

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Well, that’s the X Factor function to a tee, isn’t it?

    Make money out of some flash in the pan teenager with a half-decent warble and pull initial ratings by exploiting a handful of special needs kids, self-deluders and middle aged wannabes…

  76. piqued Says:

    Nice to have you back NC, I’ve missed you

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – you boys!

  78. piqued Says:

    Oooh, that made me all warm in my winkie

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Me too, Piqued. Thought I’d fire a couple across your bows to signal my glorious return to the fray. I note you made some ‘sensational’ fishcakes over the weekend. For future reference, you can pick up twenty frozen ones from Iceland for £2.

  80. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Half of that was correct, Piqued.

  81. Mikey Says:

    Fresh Breadcrumbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    It’s Moët………….!,

    “I’m used to others leading the way when it comes to curry but as IC is less informed about South Indian cuisine than I, yours truly took the ordering bull by the horns. I hit the bloody nail on the head by ordering just the right amount of delicious stuff to share ”

    Oh f f S!!!!!!!!!

  82. Nick T Says:

    I’m looking into some of the Zeitgeist stuff. I’m very cynical, I have trouble with some of the stuff despite the fact that I think the whole god thing is a myth.

    Perhaps I is an moron?

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Bit hypercritical aren’t we, Mikey?
    Piqued – I suggest you get yourself on Mikey’s football blog and lambast his Chelsea bias.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    My other half is less informed about South Indian cuisine too. Luckily, I know everything there is to know about it, so confidentally ordered us two chicken tikka masalas, two pilau rice (the stuff with the coloured bits), two chapathis and a naan bread. It was sensational!

  85. Mikey Says:

    I want to know what a “fresh breadcrumb” is!

  86. Clarry Says:

    Yeah, but there’s a difference between the ones who can’t sing, the ones that are a bit deluded and the ones who are mentally unwell such as Alan Penfold, that angry Ashwin fella and that Welsh woman who’s been on a couple of times (see below).

  87. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m going to start up a Piqued fanpage later today. I’ve already crayoned what I imagine his likeness to be onto an old eggbox to get the ball rolling. And I’ve written several poems.

  88. Mikey Says:

    Was the South Indian cuisine typical of Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka, Kerala or Tamil Nadu? Which South Indian beer did you have with it???

  89. piqued Says:

    ‘Breadcrumb’ is plural

    So, ‘fresh breadcrumb’ would be breadcrumb that’s fresh

    It’s not hard is it?

  90. Swineshead Says:

    Stop picking on Piqued.

    Especially you Dave – he’d slay you in a fight.

    Half of the people on X Factor have clearly been dared to go on.

    My favourite this series was the two Welsh lads trying to do Mysterious Girl… glorious.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    And here was me thinking the plural of ‘breadcrumb’ was ‘breadcrumbs’ … because that’s what it fucking well is.

  92. Mikey Says:

    Sign me up Dave!

  93. piqued Says:

    Dave and Mikey, you’re like a couple of gang prospectors trying to get in with the NC motorcycle club.

  94. piqued Says:

    It’s not NC, breadcrumb can be plural

    Look at yourself Mikey you fucking creep

  95. Mikey Says:

    I ride alone!

  96. Clarry Says:

    Ha ha ha, yes that was very funny.

    ‘Come on move your bod-ee…. come on move your bod-ee’

    Angry Ashwin was very funny, beacuse he WAS bigger than the X-Factor. Ok?

    Did you see the woman with the massive mouth? Look up Holly Gervis on You Tube. Cripes!

  97. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m not picking on him. I’m in awe. He’s intellectually and, I presume, physically my superior. No argument.

    Piqued – I’ve got some Ainsley Harriot cous cous on the go (a lime one). You bring the breadcrumb and it’s a date.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    I’m suspicious of this breadcrumb thing of yours.

  99. Mikey Says:

    Come on Piqued, you can take a bit of ribbing!

  100. piqued Says:

    It’d be you bring ‘breadcrumb’, not ‘the breadcrumb’ for fucks sake

    You can’t ride Mikey. Be happy to give you a fucking lift on the back of my bike though

  101. mostlylouche Says:

    Clarry please can you provide video evidence of these people you mention?

  102. Napoleon Says:

    How come you say ‘crumbs’ – not ‘crumb’ – when you’re talking about crumbs, then?

  103. mostlylouche Says:

    Bloody hell that’s can’t be a real mouth, it must have been added on later with rotoscoping. –

  104. piqued Says:

    ‘crumb’ can be plural too (for umpeenth time)

  105. Swineshead Says:

    Louche – find the X Factor audition with two welsh lads doing Mysterious Girl. It rocks.

    What’s all this crumb business? Hardly worth having a scrap over is it? COME ON BE NICE THANKS BYE.

  106. Clarry Says:

    Louche – Go on Youtube and type in x factor 2008 at the top and look through the clips that way. Or just go to Google and write Holly Gervis X Factor or Alan Penfold X Factor and find ’em that way.

    Ashwin is here:

    I’m loving my double standards today – telling off X Factor for being mean to the mentally ill, yet I am perpetuating their misery.

  107. mostlylouche Says:

    Ashwin is my new hero, even more than Piqued.

  108. Mikey Says:

    We are being nice. I find piqued’s blog quite entertaining. I seriously think piqued should have a recipe page. That sauce with horseradish sounded interesting.

  109. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – you summed up the X Factor, and now you’ve summed up reality TV

    Telling off [any reality show you care to mention] for being mean to the mentally ill, yet I am perpetuating their misery [by watching / discussing].

  110. Napoleon Says:

    I’m still suspicious.

    Isn’t Elton John’s ‘Island Girl’ fucking awful?

  111. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – have you been eating blackened butter again?

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Is that what he’s calling Dave Furnish these days?

  113. Napoleon Says:

    He may well be, Swineshead. And he wears a wig. You simply don’t go bald in the 70s, then have a lush head of hair by the end of the century. That’s not how hair loss works – ask Piqued.

  114. Clarry Says:

    “Ashwin is my new hero, even more than Piqued.”

    Louche – Quite extraordinary isn’t he?

    “Clarry – you summed up the X Factor, and now you’ve summed up reality TV”

    I’m a flamin’ marvel me. And very good at stating the obvious.

  115. Mikey Says:

    Well off to lunch I go. I am not sure of my lunch companions knowledge of regional Italian cuisine, and if they are unable to read the menu (!), I shall take the ordering bulls by the horn. Hopefully I too will hit the nail on the head and any escalopes ordered, i will insist on fresh breadcrumbs!

  116. Napoleon Says:

    I had some bright orange Sainsbury’s Basics cheddar for my lunch. With cream crackers and a can of pop.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    That must be shit cheddar if it’s orange.

    Cheese is one of the few things it’s worth splashing out on – for quality purposes. Fuck wine – spend your hard-earned on cheese I say*

    *probably because I don’t drink and cheese is non-alcoholic. I think.

  118. ugeine Says:

    Cheese, Lettuece and colslaw sarnies, a banana and can of Morrison’s ginger beer. That’s proper man’s food that, not that muck you fancy London types eat.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    I happen to like the really cheap, nuclear orange, value cheese you get from supermarkets. I also like those dodgy, potentially poisonous cheeseburgers and hot dogs you get off of them vans at funfairs. The stomach aches I’ve ‘ad!

  120. piqued Says:

    Enjoy your Bonless Banquet for One Mikey

    Ugeine, Coleslaw isn’t man food, nor is Lettuce (note spelling of both)

  121. Napoleon Says:


  122. Napoleon Says:

    What’s that? Is it a pot? What? What’s it saying to the kettle? That it’s black? Well I’ll be bound!

  123. piqued Says:

    Crumbs, NC is all refreshed

    (seriously, nice to have you back)

  124. Napoleon Says:

    Well you did rather fall into that one, Piqued. If you are going to correct someone else on their spelling, at least get your own spelling right first. ‘Bonless’, indeed.

  125. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: I can’t believe I’m getting my typing errors corrected by a man who in all seriousness thinks that ‘crumb’ can be used as a plural noun.

    maybe you were confused by the fact it can be used non literally to describe something and emphasise how small it is, for instance ‘I have not a crumb of pride in my country left’.

    It can’t be used plurally, however. The plural of crumb is crumbs. Note the ‘s’ on the end. If you could use ‘crumb’ plurally, then you would have no need for ‘crumbs’. And as Napoleon pointed out, you would use ‘crumb’ as slang rather then crumb.

    You also missed a full stop at the end of your last post.

    Thanks for the corrections though

    Hugs and Kisses


  126. Davesthermalpants Says:

    ‘*probably because I don’t drink and cheese is non-alcoholic. I think.’

    Never had a yeast infection then?

  127. ugeine Says:

    *rather then crumbs, that should read.

    (I think by getting pedantic with Piqued I’ve just signed my own suicide note)

  128. Napoleon Says:

    My missus had a yeast infection once. I flew into a fury and accused her of sleeping around. Thank God for the internet and the information contained therein, else I’d have battered her to death.

  129. charliemingles Says:

    theres also a review of this show here:

  130. Swineshead Says:

    For anyone new to WWM – welcome, make yourself at home and enjoy the pedantry, wanton sexism and talk of yeast infections.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll second that sentiment.

    *slowly pulls out cock*
    *waggles it in an unusual manner at the newcomers*
    *says something dirty in Spanish*
    *pops cock back in*

  132. piqued Says:

    ‘Crumb’ is a plural fucking noun. What the fuck is the matter with you all? Even your Fuhrer Herr NC has stepped down…

    You don’t say ‘coated in crispy crumbs’ do you? No, you fucking well say ‘coated in CRISPY FUCKING CRUMB.’

  133. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Does your crumb have a yeast infection?

  134. Napoleon Says:

    As the dictator of Germany, I would say,

    “Mein Gott! Zis Chicken cake (©Swineshead) iss coated in ze crisspiest of crisspy crumbs! Zis iss ein miracle!”


  135. piqued Says:

    Christ that was shit, Dave. Master of the one liners you are not

  136. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Why have you started typing like Yoda?

  137. piqued Says:

    Best not to admit you’re wrong by employing the equivalent of a Pickelhaube and jackboots and goose stepping about…

  138. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Besides, crumb is another word for the vagina, Piqued. You of all people should know that.

  139. piqued Says:

    Another classic there Dave. You’re not quite up to Little and Large standard just yet though

  140. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – can you stop being dull now please?

  141. Napoleon Says:

    I could just eat some chicken cake now. All I’ve had is nuclear cheese and some rotten old crackers that tasted a bit stale. The missus has some of that fancy ham in the fridge (the Italian stuff you can look through), but I don’t reckon she’ll let me snaffle it off of ‘er.

    Mind you, she’s under the weather; I could wait for her to be sick and steal the ham when she’s occupied in the bathroom.

  142. Swineshead Says:

    Aaah chicken-cake… it’s great stuff. Also a big fan of egg-cake, scampi-cake and findus crispy pancake.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Riddled with bird flu, apparently. Or was it SARS?

  144. Davesthermalpants Says:

    You say something funny. Any of you. It’s not as easy as it looks. Simply announcing a dislike for someboy/someone or listing foods doesn’t count.

  145. piqued Says:

    Oooh, let me be the first to list a dislike for someboy

  146. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: Although your use of capitals presents a watertight rebuttal, I’m afraid my haddock comes coated in breadcrumbs, my table is covered in breadcrumbs and I can’t find a crumb of evidence that suggests otherwise. Do you say ‘Oh, dear me, I have gotten crumb all over my work surface?’ Of course you don’t.

  147. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I don’t remember the hamster in Danger Mouse saying ‘crumb’ either. Piqued’s incorrect on this one.

  148. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll bounce my balls across your walls, and fump my pump right up your sump … then move on to your rump, by thump!

    Any good, Dave?

  149. charliemingles Says:

    NC – how was your holiday in Blighty?

    Cold and rainy enough for you I trust?

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – It was alright, thanks for asking. It only rained for half an hour, and I only broke one bone. A stone-cold result in my favour, I reckon.

  151. charliemingles Says:

    which bone did you break sir?

  152. piqued Says:

    His funny one

  153. Davesthermalpants Says:


  154. Napoleon Says:

    One of my ribs. Tripped up and smashed into the side of an armchair. Heard it pop, and you can feel the fracture under the skin. Nice.

  155. piqued Says:

    Quite seriously that’s fucking horrid

    (were you pissed?)

  156. charliemingles Says:

    Yes, I just read your postcard. sounds fucking painful. these yorkshire armchairs are hard as fuck though and dont suffer fools gladly.

    has anyone seen that thing about sarah palins old pastor carrying out the actual witchhunt in 2005?

    mad fuckwits

  157. Swineshead Says:

    Probably payback for that guinea pig you squashed all those years ago.

    I’ve no sympathy.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Sober as a judge, Piqued. I had a spasm caused by my wonderful bowel condition, and it caused me to trip and pick a fight with the furniture. Problem with ribs is there’s fuck all they can do about ’em up the hospital. This is my second after breaking the first after being dive-bombed (in a sexual capacity) by a slightly overweight female companion.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – It’s coughing you don’t look forward to. That and lying on your side, or waking up on your side (as I did this morning). Glad you got the postcard – sorry about the semen stains.

    Swineshead – Balls to your guinea pig! I didn’t deserve a cracked rib for trapping a rat’s head in a door.

  160. piqued Says:

    Yes, they can also puncture lungs quite effectively too.

    As I’m sure you already know, the only remedy is to not move (this includes, breathing coughing, talking, laughing as and you’ve already cited, poo-ing is best avoided too)

  161. ugeine Says:

    I’m making one of those faces that looks like I’m constipated and have a horses lips with penut butter smeared on the inside, as people do when they wince from hearing a description of something that sounds painful. You soldier, NP.

  162. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll say it again – you deserve it, Napoleon (if that’s even your real name).

  163. ugeine Says:

    You broke a rib during sex?


  164. Swineshead Says:

    Why would you salute that? It’s amateurish at best, cack-handed at worst.

    Or are you just saluting the fact he had sex at all? I wouldn’t put it past you.

  165. piqued Says:

    I see you’ve another prospector for your club NC.

    My back is in a state at the moment, I know exactly what you mean by having to position yourself to cough but by far and away the most terrifying thing that can occur is sneezing.

    When my back went fucked for the first time a few years ago I woke up twice on the floor from having fainted through sneezing, the second time I’d even managed to piss myself.

    Which was nice.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I initially thought I’d done that, but I’m still alive so can’t have done. Thank Christ for drugs, that’s all I can say. Moving’s been put on hold for a while – even sitting still’s a pain in the fucking arse as you can’t get comfy. I’ll survive.

    Ugeine – The tales I could tell you of my dumbass injury sheet! Broke my nose on a woman’s arse, broke my little finger duelling with frozen corn-on-the-cobs, fractured my arm jumping on a football to see what would happen … the list is endless.

  167. ugeine Says:

    I think it’s quite a heroic effort, SH. Amateurish? Bah.

    NP: Nice list. I won’t ask how you break your nose ona girls arse. My list of stupid injuries isn’t as large (I’m a meek, pasty faced person) though I did once set fire to my jeans, giving my leg a nasty burn, to see if denim was flammable.

  168. piqued Says:

    And that’s why I fell for the leader of the pack, vrooom vrooom…

    Oh, sorry, I got distracted.

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – We never got to the sex part, sadly. The rib going put a dampner on my ardour that day, for some reason. Still, taught me a valuable lesson that you should never allow yourself to be used as a trampoline by a lady who enjoys a slap-up dinner.

    Swineshead – Up yours! It wasn’t like I knew what was going on. One minute I’m there in my birthday suit waiting for the fun to begin, the next I’m roaring for morphine and expecting the reaper to knock on the window. And it’s still not a suitable punishment for squashing a rodent.

    Piqued – I sneezed this morning. I don’t want to do that again.

  170. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – That sounds fun. I’d always advice getting out of any clothing you fancy setting on fire first. The nose happened as a result of me following her upstairs, and her suddenly stopping dead. I’d already broken it on several occasions before, and the thing now breaks at the drop of a hat, the bastard.

  171. Mikey Says:

    Have broken ribs on 2 occasions. Once playing football on a hard surface..went down hard and secondly fell off my bicycle. Waking up in the morning and getting out of bed was the most painful thing and laughing too was painful. The good thing though is they do heal!

  172. Napoleon Says:

    Mikey – I’ve found the best thing you can do is stare grimly into the middle distance, swearing vengeance on your enemies ans staying very, very still. Already I’ve begun to suspect my injury is connected to the nefarious, behind-closed-doors affairs of those buffoons in Brussels.

  173. Swineshead Says:

    You say that, but in truth you know it’s connected to a squashed guinea pig from the 80s.

  174. mostlylouche Says:


    *starts humming the theme to The Neverending Story*

  175. Napoleon Says:

    I still find that hard to believe. Anyway, wasn’t that guinea pig almost on its arse? I vaguely recall your house being filled with ailing animals when I was a lad.

    Can men get bunions?

  176. Swineshead Says:

    It was quite young then, last another 5 years at least.
    The ailing animal you remember was perpetually sneezing Felix, God bless her.

  177. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, that’s right. Felix the feline snot machine. An entertaining – if slightly unpleasant – animal. RIP, etc.

    So the guinea pig had another five years, eh? Can’t have been that affected by my trapping its head in a door, could it?

  178. Napoleon Says:

    And I note you didn’t bother with my bunions query …

  179. Swineshead Says:

    It was never the same again. It went all mental.

    I don’t really know what a bunion is, to be honest. I once met a man who had gout in Sheffield City Centre.

  180. Napoleon Says:

    It went mental? Probably shell-shock from all that fuss you kicked up. I imagine, to a guinea pig, a squealing child sounds like bombs going off. YOU caused that guinea pig’s mental disabilites, not me.

    A bunion’s that big lump you see on the side of an old woman’s toe after years wearing high-heels. As men don’t wear high-heels (except for those that do, and more power to ’em, etc.), I wondered whether they got ’em.

    Gout? Was this gentleman Edwardian?

  181. Clarry Says:

    “I imagine, to a guinea pig, a squealing child sounds like bombs going off.”

    Shhh, i’m trying to pretend to work!

  182. Swineshead Says:

    Guinea pigs have no comprehension of any explosive device. They don’t even know what an explosion is.

    I asked.

  183. Clarry Says:

    P.S You know when you lot were talking about crumbs earlier, well I hate it when the fashion prog people say things like ‘Oh yes, team that with a well cut trouser and we’ve really got something’.

  184. piqued Says:

    Can’t you get Pickled Bunions?

  185. Davesthermalpants Says:

    I was enjoying breakfast this weekend when an advert for the JML dry skin remover popped up on the box. It’s a cheesegrater designed for the heel of your foot. They showed the flakes!

  186. Clarry Says:

    And did you want to put some of the flakes on your cereal?

  187. Napoleon Says:

    What do you mean a guinea pig has no comprehension of explosive devices? What about guinea pigs that lived through the wars? I’ll bet you Dave’s left foot that a guinea pig stuck in the trenches of Ypres, or Paschendale or The Somme had every bloody comprehension of explosive devices! Tommyrot, poppycock, smoke and mirrors.

    You’re simply trying to cover your tracks for the trauma your whining caused that guinea pig.

  188. Davesthermalpants Says:

    What am I to you, Napoleon? Daniel Day-Lewis?

  189. Mikey Says:

    Actually there was an article on r4 about rats being trained to detect landmines as due to their lightness they would not blow them up. They apparently have the same sense of smell as a dog, and dogs tend to be blown up when they detect them. I had not realised the army trained dogs to do this in the first place. The rat idea seems better all round!

  190. ugeine Says:

    Anybody heard the new kings of leon album? it’s rather good.

  191. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Ugeine – Get involved with TV on the Radio, son. Better.

  192. Swineshead Says:

    TV On The Radio aren’t as good as people say.
    Kings of Leon continue to decline.

    As for rats – so what? Rat’s aren’t guinea pigs – guinea pigs are thick as fuck (and immune to high pitched whining).

  193. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’m not betting slices of m’self.

    Mikey – That proves my point, thanks.

    Swineshead – Aha? See?

  194. ugeine Says:

    Who are they? Are they as good as Fall Out Boy?

  195. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve had pet rats. They’re smart creatures – always escaping, always on the lookout for glory (and extra food).

    Guinea pigs, on the other hand, are content to sit in their own urine all day, squeaking.

  196. piqued Says:

    Mikey you listen to Radio 4? You ponce

  197. charliemingles Says:

    NC, fuck all this shite.

    What we really want to know is whether your excursions to the far side of the Empire brought you any joy in your search for a new brand of loaf.

    I believe Livingston only discovered wherever the fuck he discovered because he’d run out of marmite and they didnt stock it in the next-along grocers. before you know if he was in far-off bongo-bongo land planting marmite bushes and subjugating the natives.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    That doesn’t mean they’re not conscious to explosive devices, Swineshead. Your average Scotchman sits around in his own piss all day making grunting noises – that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t recognize a hand grenade if you slung it at him.

    YOU did that to your guinea pig. YOU.

  199. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I’d settled on Co-Op’s batch loaf rolls last week, as buying a loaf would have been wasteful as I spent a large part of the holiday drunk. Now I’m back (and miles from a Co-Op), the hunt begins again in earnest for sliced white bread.

  200. Swineshead Says:

    I won’t play your complex mind games, Napoleon. I won’t be drawn into your mastery of the human brain.

    Curry for dinner – a takeaway fit for a king is what I fancy.
    I’m fairly well-versed in the cuisine of that region – but am open to suggestions? I might even review my meal tomorrow if you’re lucky.

    I’m tempted to go for a tandoori mixed grill with mushroom rice, popadoms and a massive bottle of coca fucking cola. Maybe some sag aloo too, if I’m feeling healthy.

  201. ugeine Says:

    Warburton’s is ace.

  202. Davesthermalpants Says:

    SH – Fuck off. I’m living off pasta until Wednesday.

  203. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued, Radio 4 is the best and the worst of our nation.

    I listened to last week’s Thinking Alowed about Reality Tevelvision, which was a superb analysis of a subject I’d thought had been done to death.

    If you didnt hear it it was about how reality tv, re-establishes the age-old class divide. very appropriate in the circumstances, having heard people berating each other for listening/not listening to this fine station.

  204. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I have a passing fair knowledge of Southern Indian cuisine (enough, I fancy, to take the bull by the horns should ordering fall to me in a restaurant situation with a lady who is unfamiliar with the area), and can heartily recommend an egg vindaloo, boiled rice and a garlic naan. For beverages, I would suggest TESCO’s excellent 50p lager in a tin; or for tea-totallers, warm Vimto fresh from the plastic bottle – sensational!

  205. charliemingles Says:

    yes, Tevelvision,

  206. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m such a moron I’m not even allowed to post on here anymore, and even I know you can’t start taking the s off things that are plural.

    Crumb indeed.


  207. charliemingles Says:

    Tombstone, your loveable post-modernism warms my chilled heart.

  208. Davesthermalpants Says:

    Tombstone – Yeah. And why are we talking about rats? They’re vermins.

  209. ugeine Says:

    Tombstone: I phoned the Harts yesterday. Stu was in tears. I had to stop Brett from coming round here and sharpshootering you into last week. What with the Benoits, and the sad passing of Davey Boy Smith still ringing in their ears, this was the last thing they needed.

  210. Mikey Says:

    The best thing to do would be to ring up the Indian High Commission and ask for their advice. I am tempted by a Chicken Madras but not being fully familiar with the city, I might need to take expert advice.

  211. Napoleon Says:

    I would also add that I’m well-versed in the cuisine of the Turkish half of the island of Cyprus. Why, only the other day my lady friend (who confesses to know nothing of the delicacies that part of the world has to offer) became confused and close to fainting at the thought of ordering something unfamiliar in the restaurant in which we found ourselves.

    Thankfully, with my extensive culinary knowledge, I was able to grasp the ordering nettle, and rode to her rescue with a cheeky little combination of two large doner kebabs with chilli sauce and salad, some chicken nuggets in a box and two cans of Tizer. Let me tell you, the maitre-d at Abrakebabra was impressed with my gallantry that night!

    And the food? Magnifique!

  212. Swineshead Says:

    I was able to grasp the ordering nettle

    You have to pass an initiation before you can order food from their remote island involving handling a stinging plant?


  213. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, when can we expect the review of your meal?

  214. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – Dave – sorry to go on about food but I’m having a massive (and varied) Indian meal tonight which I can afford. And tomorrow night I may even take the missus out to a restaurant where we’ll order food we can”t fit in our stomachs – you can get the megabus down and watch through the window if you like.

    Enjoy your raw pasta, you telesales BASTARD.

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Hopefully it’ll be up on my site tomorrow, if I don’t succumb to gastric fever this evening. You see, I’m taking a female friend of mine out to dinner tonight. She’s from Germany, and therefore has no knowledge of our home-grown culinary delights. I shall be nailing my colours to the mast for both of us tonight, when I look the chef in the eye and cry, in a clear and confident tone,

    “Cod and chips twice, Harry, and easy on the vinegar!”

  216. Swineshead Says:

    Germans love vinegar – you’re clearly not very well-versed in the cuisine of our German cousins.

  217. Napoleon Says:

    Are they? I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with that part of the world when it comes to dining, dear boy. You appear to be, so I’ll take your advice and slightly change the order I had planned for us both. Thank you for that; you have saved me from an embarrasment from which I fear I would never recover.

  218. daveselectricblanket Says:

    SH – There was no need at all for such a violent attack on a young lad with no coppers like myself. If I don’t comment on this blog tomorrow it’ll be because I’ve hung myself. Not that I can afford the rope…

    I actually feel more alert than ever since cutting back on my diet. I’m drinking more water and all that shebang.

    I had a lovely weekend too. On a shoestring.

    And, SH, if I see you on a streetside I’m going to stone you with a sack of raw spuds. My stomach’s fucking rumbling.

  219. Swineshead Says:

    Sauerkraut is the dish they eat every day (for pretty much every meal) and it consists of cabbage pickled in (you guessed it) VINEGAR!

    Luckily, in that fish restaurant, you’ll be surrounded by vinegar-soaked goods – so get in a batch of pickled eggs, pickled onions and two fish and chips soaked in vinegar.

    Then it’ll be straight home with your hun-ny for a bosch-style blowie, you bloody traitor.

  220. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Dave (except I’m not).

  221. Napoleon Says:

    Traitor, bedamned! How dare you suggest me accepting a blow-job from my half-German female travelling companion constitutes treachery! I’ll not take that from a man who’s shackled to a Vietnamese woman, by God I won’t! The gallons of blood we British spilt during the Vietnam War is on YOUR hands tonight, Swineshead, YOURS!


  222. daveselectricblanket Says:

    SH – Why aren’t you sorry though, SH? It’s cruel and you’re a bully…as per usual.

  223. Swineshead Says:

    Oh come off it, Dave – you’ll have money soon enough – probably more than me. Then you will have the last bit of laugh.

    As for you, NC, I’ll have you know my better half’s father fought on the side of the resistance. How do you like that?

  224. Napoleon Says:

    And no doubt slit the throats of the thousands of gallant British soldiers who gave up their lives to stop the Vietnamese invasion of the United Kingdom!

    I don’t like that! I don’t like it one bloody bit!

  225. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Is your missus Vietnamese? Fair play. Vietnamese chicks are hot (based purely on Yoko Ono in the 60s).

  226. Swineshead Says:

    I see what you’ve done there, NC.

  227. Swineshead Says:

    Oko’s Japanese, Dave.

    I won’t comment further…

  228. daveselectricblanket Says:

    That was always Lennon’s big joke about American ignorance to race. Subtle, me.

  229. ugeine Says:

    ‘Is your missus Vietnamese? Fair play. Vietnamese chicks are hot (based purely on Yoko Ono in the 60s).’

    I had my head in my hands as I read this…

  230. ugeine Says:

    Though one thing I’ve always wondered is why Japanese people have spiky sounding names (Like Takeshi Kitano) while Korean/Chinese/Vietnese people tend to have smoother sounding names (like Lee So Hyun).

    Kind of like how some words in English come from Viking (The Spiky ones, such as kill, etc) and others come from Saxon (like shirt, they tend to be the smoother sounding ones).

  231. Dave Says:


    skip to 2.30.

    I remembered it wrong though but it still redeems me somewhat from whatever I’ve done.

  232. Swineshead Says:

    Very subtle, Dave… good job you had the back up.

  233. The Tombstone Says:

    Charlie and Ugeine, you’ve both successfully lost me.

    Ah the joys of being a moron.

  234. Swineshead Says:

    Still stinging from the ‘moron’ comment then, Tombstone?
    That was a fortnight ago, wasn’t it?

    Good, good.

  235. ugeine Says:

    Methinks somebody has a bit of a persecution complex.

    (Clue: it’s not Swineshead)

  236. The Tombstone Says:

    It didn’t sting because it’s true. And I was genuinely lost by both comments, which only further proves it.


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