Archive for September 24th, 2008

NewsGush: Her Majesty vs Blue Peter

September 24, 2008

The good ship Blue Peter continues to sail on the perilous seas of the 21st century, despite being the the very definition of ‘anachronism’. Obviously, I haven’t tuned in since the days of Caron Keating (God rest her soul), Yvette Fielding and some bloke called John Leslie… so I’ve no idea if it’s been updated to fit with the times…

Are they still petting dogs on the sofa and making village train stations out of cardboard boxes?

Anyway – the big news is that her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second has invited Peter and his presenters round to her gaff for a cup of tea.

There may even be biscuits.

During the event Her Majesty will recognise four very special Blue Peter viewers, who will be given the surprise of their life when presenters Helen, Joel and Andy turn up at their doorstep and invite them to take tea with The Queen.

They will be presented with a special Jubilee edition of the programme’s highest award, the Gold Blue Peter Badge.

Invited to the tea will be the current presenters Andy Akinwolere, Helen Skelton and Joel Defries, key production staff and a selection of the longest-serving presenters from each of the show’s five decades.

I wonder if Leslie will be invited along? Or Richard ‘rock n’ roll’  Bacon?

Still – you can’t argue with tea at Buckingham Palace. An absolute honour. I hope I get the same treatment when I turn 50. The lucky bastards.

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KFC – Boneless Bargain Banquet for One

September 24, 2008

Hey you!

Yes, you..!

Are you sick of all the needless bother that goes hand-in-hand with enjoying a meal? Are you bored of having to sit at a table; of facing other people, of trying new and interesting food and having to use cutlery and plates?

How about restaurants? Aren’t they a pain? The way they make you choose what you want from a text menu instead of brightly lit photographs with combo options. It’s obscene.

And they make you sit inside them too – at tables. All you really want to do is sit at a bus stop bench with a cardboard box.

They’re so arrogant, showing off about having food that you haven’t heard of or possibly may not like.

What about women? So fucking annoying the way they make you spend time with them – listening to what they say or doing what they want and, worst of all, making you break the endless cycle of repetitive behaviour that makes life so easy.

Have you tried cooking? What a waste of time! Buying all those ingredients and then having to prepare it yourself! It’s an insult – making you responsible for your own food. Like you have the time to learn how to do that!

Luckily there’s an alternative to all that bullshit; a way out of socialising and trying new things, a way out of wasting time in the kitchen or spending more than a fiver on food. It’s called the KFC Boneless Bargain Banquet for One and it is the future of culinary delight.

No longer do you have to wait more than two minutes for your snap. No longer do you have to face the insufferable company of your other half and no longer are you bound by the societal constraints of etiquette or manners… it’s finally here! Freedom.

You can sit alone on the kerb and stuff yourself silly with greasy and abused meat from a questionable source and not have to worry about choice or flavour.

Vegetables? Bollocks! Taste? Bollocks! Polite company? Bollocks!

You can now sit in public and wolf down non-threatening food and not have to worry about trifling annoyances like bones or using forks. Look at those poor saps, stuck indoors and having a nice time with the ones they love. Pity them, for they are bound by having to make decisions, pretending to enjoy their fancy-dancy toff grub. You are the real winner, alone and free to enjoy your genetically spliced super meat without restaurants or the effort of cooking.

Have you tried Tennents Super? It’s brilliant – it gets you pissed without the constraints of having to enjoy the drink. How about microwavable burgers? So useful, because who wants to have to wait for longer than a minute and a half for dinner?

While we’re here, let’s mention internet porn… After all, who wants to go to the bother of talking to a woman when all you really want is tits at the click of a button?

KFC are all about the here and now. We’re about instant and easy gratification without the attention to pointless aspects like enjoyment or quality. We don’t bother you with company or pleasant surroundings, we don’t oppress you with plates and glasses – we’ll mainline you with an instant, worry-free hit of MSG and we guarantee you won’t have to talk to a girl, a waiter or another human being in the process.

What’s more, we promise to treat you like a complete fucking troglodyte moron in not only our advertising, but in our restaurants too.