NewsGush: Her Majesty vs Blue Peter


The good ship Blue Peter continues to sail on the perilous seas of the 21st century, despite being the the very definition of ‘anachronism’. Obviously, I haven’t tuned in since the days of Caron Keating (God rest her soul), Yvette Fielding and some bloke called John Leslie… so I’ve no idea if it’s been updated to fit with the times…

Are they still petting dogs on the sofa and making village train stations out of cardboard boxes?

Anyway – the big news is that her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second has invited Peter and his presenters round to her gaff for a cup of tea.

There may even be biscuits.

During the event Her Majesty will recognise four very special Blue Peter viewers, who will be given the surprise of their life when presenters Helen, Joel and Andy turn up at their doorstep and invite them to take tea with The Queen.

They will be presented with a special Jubilee edition of the programme’s highest award, the Gold Blue Peter Badge.

Invited to the tea will be the current presenters Andy Akinwolere, Helen Skelton and Joel Defries, key production staff and a selection of the longest-serving presenters from each of the show’s five decades.

I wonder if Leslie will be invited along? Or Richard ‘rock n’ roll’  Bacon?

Still – you can’t argue with tea at Buckingham Palace. An absolute honour. I hope I get the same treatment when I turn 50. The lucky bastards.

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140 Responses to “NewsGush: Her Majesty vs Blue Peter”

  1. Who Says:

    Surely Peter ‘I show my bum for money’ Duncan is worthy of an invite – he actually did the porn, rather than just watched it. That should make for some interesting chat over the Darjeeling.

  2. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve never watched BP! Am I somehow incomplete?..

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. Yes, you are.

    How the hell did you avoid it?

  4. Napoleon Says:

    Tea with the Queen, eh? Can’t argue with that.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    I’d love to take tea with the Queen and ask her a series of lewd, leading questions.

  6. Nick T Says:

    You do realise that ten more people will watch Blue Peter now?

  7. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I knew it…

    I spent my childhood and adolescense “abroad. I didn’t even speak any English! Well, it wasn’t “abroad” for me, it was “abroad” for you people. Now it’s also “abroad” for me and I speak some English, albeit grudgingly. You lazy fucks haven’t got the courtesy to make make my life easier and learn the lingo…

    I wish I had watched BP, though. I like cardboard and sticky-back plastic…

  8. Goerge Says:

    Konnie Huq was one of my first crushes.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Konnei Huq? Jesus. I got fired up by Janet Ellis.


  10. Swineshead Says:

    Konnie Huq’s lovely but I never had a thing for any BP presenter. Probably because my generation got Yvette Fielding, who was like a little long-haired northern boy.

  11. Mikey Says:

    Toothed Varmint. Sticky back TAPE.
    What is your mother tongue?

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – they DID use sticky-back plastic. I’m sure they did.

    I bet Frank Bough did as well, the kinky beggar. Eh?

  13. piqued Says:

    I saw that SH.

    I was a Janet Ellis fan too even if she did sound like she had a cold 24/7

    A Turner was okay in the early days n’ all. There, I said it

  14. Toothed Varmint Says:

    OK, tape. You got me. I am still learning the essentials.
    It’s Russian.

    I’ve seen Konnie Huq in something. Buzzcocks? Could be Buzzcocks. She is frisky.

  15. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Although I am SURE I’ve heard the expression “sticky-back plastic”, I am SURE of it. But what do I know, eh?

  16. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Turner sucks. Or maybe blows. In any case, I wouldn’t. She strikes me as astringent.

  17. piqued Says:

    I don’t get this Konnie Huq thing… she looks ill and furious

  18. Who Says:

    Simon Groom for me. He built his own dungeon, I heard.

  19. charliemingles Says:

    Did anyone see that programme last night about the fuckwit whose eaten nothing but salt n vinegar crisps and cheese for 28 years.

    I thought it was maybe dave.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    simon groom did have a beautiful pair of knockers though Who:

    One of the best clips ever that.

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:


  22. piqued Says:

    CM, I saw some of that. I felt really sorry for him you heartless bastard

  23. Quincy Phd Says:

    I had the pleasure of playing football with Dusty Bin performer Peter Duncan once, on 1st division football pitch no-less. Then we got thrown out when my friend streaked in front of a load of boy scouts. Aaaah, good times.

  24. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Tea with the queen? It’s not quite a summer-fruits handjob in the royal presence, is it?

  25. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What sort of handjob is that? I’ve got a keen interest.

  26. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’m not entirely sure, but I think it counts as one of your five-a-day.

  27. piqued Says:

    Peter Duncan told me to fuck off when I was 14 after pointing out I could see his clockweights. The twat was chatting up some floozy in a kilt and had his legs apart. She was less than impressed with his retort and walked off.

    It’s a badly kept secret it was he who smashed up the Blue Peter garden after the BBC refused to renew his contract.

  28. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Vitamin S, I reckon.

  29. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I saw Harry Redknapp up close the other day, he has a really squishy face. Nothing to do with Blue Peter, but since you are showing off your brushes with celebs, I coudn’t just sit and take it.

  30. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued, I agree. I felt sorry for him too, nice enough guy and it was touching that he got to bond with his kids.

    But come on, grated cheddar at the weekends as a special treat? Poor bastard. Seems to have had a happy ending though. I believe he can now eat oatcakes an all.

    there was much more going on there than a cheese aversion though.

  31. charliemingles Says:

    I was going to review it, but they stretched ten minutes of tv over an hour. isnt it always the way.

  32. charliemingles Says:

    SH usually comes in at this point with his stunning celebrity anecdote ….

  33. Mikey Says:

    It’s a badly kept secret it was he who smashed up the Blue Peter garden after the BBC refused to renew his contract.

    Are you sure? Garden Nov 1983. Peter Duncan finished in June 1984.
    Or are you joking?

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Blue Peter garden = Les Ferdinand. I think.

    I’ve met Samantha Janus. And Jasmine Lowson.


  35. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I thought it was that Armando Ianucci who smashed up the Blue Peter garden. With that Peter Baynham. The rascals.

  36. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I dunno who Jasmine Lowson is/was. Shit, I am in the wrong place…

  37. piqued Says:


    There is a chap who worked in my office whose cousin was his flatmate when it happened. Apparently he got pissed at the studios after shooting and kicked off.

    Yes, I’m aware of the dates Mikey. Note ‘renew the contract’ and do the maths

  38. Mikey Says:

    Sir Les said he helped them over the wall. He was joking.
    The Blue Peter garden whodunnit seems to attract a lot of suspects. It’s becoming an urban legend.

  39. charliemingles Says:

    SH: I was expecting your riveting sue pollard anecdote.

  40. Mikey Says:

    Yes I can see the maths that you are suggesting, however I find it hard to believe that someone could cold heartedly continue their job with the guilt of this hanging over them.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Oh right. Sorry Mingles.

    So anyway – a mate of a mate of mine once shagged Su Pollard.

    That is the end of the anecdote.

  42. piqued Says:

    Refer to my earlier story of Peter Duncan telling a 14 year old to ‘fuck off’. It was said very aggressively too hence his intended prey walking off.

    Btw, noticed Duncan working for the BBC lately? No, he ‘returned to the stage’ in 1986

  43. Alan Fish Says:

    Connie Huq is the sister of M.I.A.

  44. Toothed Varmint Says:

    A mate of mine once shagged Julia Suwalha twice somewhere in Finsbury park. She left her bra as a memento. He swears.

  45. piqued Says:

    ‘Shagged Sue Pollard’, fucking hell

    Fuck in Hell

  46. charliemingles Says:

    thanks SH. It gets better every time I hear it.

    But didnt you just steal that anecdote from renowned wit and all-round lard-arse peter ustinov?

    I vaguely remember seeing him on chat shows as a very small child and, despite the howls of the crowd, I never found him in the least amusing.

    But his Pollard anecdote (recounted beautifully word for word above) is his crowning glory. Thank you once again for sharing it with us.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    No – that fat bastard nicked it off me.

    He was always nicking shit off me – he took a monster munch grab bag off my hands without permission on the set of One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing. I’ll never forgive the fat-knacker for that.

  48. Nick T Says:

    Peter Duncan did a documentaryrecently where he travels accross China with his family. I believe he kept his clothes on.

  49. Mikey Says:

    He had a spin off series called “Duncan Dares” and in 20 February 2007 Duncan was awarded the highest Blue Peter Award – The Gold Badge.
    Just because he ain’t on at the moment does not signify his guilt.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Alan Fish – that is a lie.

  51. Nick T Says:


    Not an aubergine in sight.

  52. piqued Says:

    I’m only passing on information Mikey

    Only BBC employee could get access to the garden

    Duncan dun it

  53. Alan Fish Says:

    Blue peter hasn’t been good since Tim Vincent left the show. That’s Tim Vincent from children’s ward.

  54. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I know who Richard “Dicky” Bacon is, though.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Fish – you know I hate Tim Vincent. You must’ve read it on here last week. And you knew that Konnie/MIA lie would wind me up for no reason at all.


  56. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just got in from TESCO’s, and I have to say I find Piqued’s little tale about Peter Duncan highly dubious. Every clown and his dog has ‘owned up’ to doing that shit. It wasn’t that long ago a footballer said he’d done it when he was a kid.

    Poppycock, Piqued, POP-EEE-COCK.

  57. charliemingles Says:

    Don’t knock the aubergines Nick. That there clip I posted yesterday sends the laydeez wild I tells ya. Wyyyy-uld!

    Try it if you ever get a girlfriend.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Les Ferdinand, that was it.

  59. Alan Fish Says:

    haha LOL Swineshead……but their ares sisters just not in the sense you thought I thought. Think about it. And time Vincent is GOD.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Peter Duncan was in Flash Gordon, wasn’t he? Or was that Simon Groom?

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Fish – you’re slowly losing grip on reality.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    didnt percy thrower smash up the bluen peter garden looking for smack?

    thats the story I heard and believed immediately

  63. Mikey Says:

    The urban myth is Sir Les and Wisey.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I thought Percy called whoever did it a loony? Or a mad bastard, or something? On air, like?

  65. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Is there ever going to be an official enquiry? I think we should be reassured.

  66. charliemingles Says:

    that was peter duncan napoleon. simon groom was in ‘massive juggs’ a training video about the brewing industry.

    its esasy to get the two confused.

  67. Napoleon Says:


    Groom crops up on Countryfile from time to time. He’s a vet now.

  68. charliemingles Says:

    napoleon – percy was strung-out remember, not having found any smack or crack or skank or da weed. so hes bound to have been a little disorientated.

    Luckily, he scored some amphetamines from Arthur Negus later that afternoon and was as right as rain again almost immediately – going on to dribble shite about his lovely purple-headed begonia as usual.

  69. Alan Fish Says:

    Basil Brush?????

  70. charliemingles Says:

    help …Im stuck in 1973 …. and I like it

  71. Mikey Says:

    Oh come Charlie. This ain’t funny.

  72. charliemingles Says:

    speaking of basil brush ( the future mr mingles) does anyone remember lenny the lion. Didnt the guy who had his hand up him have the creepiest face and voice youve ever seen. like a cross between liberace and dennis neilson. and not in a good way.

  73. charliemingles Says:

    the first time you say something amusing mIkey, let me know.

  74. Mikey Says:

    dear oh dear , I am getting some flak these days. The trashing of the “Blue Peter Garden” upset me and still does.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I remember Lenny Bennett. He looked a bit like a lion.

  76. Alan Fish Says:

    Lenny Bruce…

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Did he look like a lion? I think he was dead before I was born.

  78. Alan Fish Says:

    LOL DUnno. Just popped into my head haha.

  79. charliemingles Says:

    terry hall he was called. creepy looking fucker. theyre all mental.

    Is there such a thing as a normal ventriloquist who wouldnt look out of place in a sex offenders line-up.

    remember roger de courcey and that randy id disguised as a fucking bear. what was cute about a randy bear called nookie wanting to shag everything that moved.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    LOL? Is that Spanish?

  81. Alan Fish Says:

    LOL, your funny Napoleon. It means Laff Out Loud on the internet….dunno why haha. It isn’t from spain…don’t think…

  82. Goerge Says:


  83. charliemingles Says:

    I must seize on this ‘LOL’ thing immediately and start employing it everywhere to impress my internet buddies with how ‘with it’ I am.

    Thanks Alan. LOL

    *kills himself*

  84. Goerge Says:

    NP: LOL came from online game speak, before it was polluted by consoles. If you are in a fast paced action shooting game and one of your team mates blows up an enemies head leaving a trail of blood up the wall the shape of a packer by the time you’ve typed ‘oh mastablasta69, that incident was most humorous’ your face would be blown off. Nowadays, it’s used by lazy internet cretins whose cyber life isn’t at threat.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    It means ‘laugh out loud’, eh? Are you sure? Only ‘laugh out loud’ means ‘laugh out loud’, see? That’s why we write it as, ‘laugh out loud’, and not ‘LOL’, yes? Why would you want to write ‘LOL’ when you mean ‘laugh out loud’? I’d stick to ‘laugh out loud’ in future, yes?

  86. Napoleon Says:

    George – Whenever I’ve played one of these online shooting things, I don’t thank anyone. Or talk to anyone. Because I’m ungrateful.

  87. In A Plause Says:

    ‘That’s’, that is. That is.

    *retreats back forth*

  88. Goerge Says:

    NP: You miserable old thing. Why wouldn’t you want to talk to a bunch of over excited foul mouthed thirteen year olds?

  89. Napoleon Says:

    George – In today’s climate, that kind of behaviour can get a thirty three year old man locked up. If I’m nice to anyone under thirty, they think I’m grooming ’em. Be a shitbag, that’s my advice.

  90. Goerge Says:

    I’ll bear that in mind. Does that mean I will have to stop hanging around playgrounds with bags of sweets and a French baguette stuffed down my trousers?

  91. Nick T Says:

    People use “lol” when they can’t think of anything else to say.

    A particular bug bear of mine is the “nh” = nice hand “ty” = thankls you exchange that idiots use when plying internet poker.

    I am quite abusive when it is directed at me


  92. Alan Fish Says:

    Quantum of Solace New TRAILER is out tomorrow. I love James Bond films – the old ones with Madonna in it were rubbish but the new ones are more real like how I imagine the books to be.

    It’s cool.

  93. Nick T Says:

    yes I am misspelling wildly as I am doing the multi tasking.

    *hits keyboard with fists*

  94. piqued Says:

    I thought ‘LOL’ was ‘lots of love’ or ‘lots of luck’

    Either way it’s fucking shit

  95. Mikey Says:

    Yes the internet acronyms are very tiresome. A couple that particularly rile me are: lmao & rotfl. Ridiculous! Americanisms!

  96. charliemingles Says:

    Alan, they may not have informed you at immigration when they let you in, but here in the UK we don’t need to imagine books. You can quite literally just go out and ‘buy’ them. No, I do not jest, young man.

    It is, as you rightly say, cool.

  97. Goerge Says:

    They all had a use at one time, now, alas, they don’t. Geek: The West’s last great counter culture.

  98. Alan Fish Says:

    Its just the internet not real life!! get over it mikey haha….

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Isn’t the conversation regarding ‘lol’ about 7 years old now…?

    I don’t do it, but it doesn’t annoy me so much.

    I do think the web is responsible for the way things are marketed these days though. Stuff like Barclays bank patronising people using informal blurb by their cash machines.

    ‘Hey! This is a cash machine! You can use it to withdraw money and loads of other cool stuff!’

    Pret a Manger do it too. ‘Sorry but we have to add VAT on to your receipt. Yeah – we know – bummer, huh?’


  100. charliemingles Says:

    Swineshead must have been promoted to a job where he actually has to do some work. I suppose it had to happen eventually.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    The new Bonds aren’t much like the books, Alan. Bond’s not allowed to slap the shit out of women, smoke or call black people ‘sambo’ anymore. Stick with the films.

  102. charliemingles Says:

    sorry SH old boy. didnt see you there

  103. Goerge Says:

    SH That pisses me right off too. Our local barclay’s has a sticker on the front door saying ‘through this door walk the loveliest people in the world. And you’re one of them.’

    Just to remind everybody, I live in Northampton.

  104. charliemingles Says:

    Youre right Napleon – jim davidson would probably be more accurate casting for bond.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    The Whitby branch of Barclay’s had the same sticker. And walking under it was a teenage mum shouting ‘COURTNEH! GIT FUCKIN’ BACK ‘ERE NAAAH!’

    I’m sure there’s a word for that …

  106. Goerge Says:

    Youre right Napleon – jim davidson would probably be more accurate casting for bond.

    That. Would. Fucking. ROCK.

  107. Alan Fish Says:

    Ha ha I red a extract of it in Enlish literature about oddjob and it was racist. Flemmish was agains blacks it says.

  108. Who Says:

    French baguettes, Goerge? In Northampton? French?

    You’ve inhaled too much burnt underlay, old son.

  109. piqued Says:


    Enlish Literature?

    I red a extract of it in Enlish literature about oddjob and it was racist. Flemmish was agains blacks it says?

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Haven’t you heard of that mighty literary titan Ian Flemmish, piqued?

  111. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Diminds R Furever’ is one of the finest spy thrillers ever made. And as for ‘Funndaboll’ … magnifique!

  112. piqued Says:

    Sadly not NC, no

    Is Alan Fish Dave?

  113. Napoleon Says:

    Is he? Quite the master of disguise if he is. He’s gone from pasty-skinned dullard to disturbing online vixen to monkey-headed plant life in only two days.

  114. Swineshead Says:

    I still don’t know the difference between Davesthermalpants and imtheotherdave.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    There isn’t, Swineshead. Look for him next under his new pseudonym – scarletpimperdave.

  116. piqued Says:

    ‘Diminds R Furever’

    Thanks for that NC, I just really hurt my fucking back

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Glad to be of service, Piqued.

  118. Swineshead Says:

    So why does the scarletpimperdave have two different names?
    I’m beyond confused – I’m in a state of bewilderment.

  119. Alan Fish Says:


  120. Goerge Says:


  121. Nick T Says:

    Jack Ryder ‘im off Eastenders is going to be a new character in The Archers.

    Thank you and goodnight..

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t ask me, ask Dave. Dave’s the fella you need to ask. I’d suggest you go and ask him on his blog, if that didn’t mean you had to visit it.

  123. Dave Says:

    Sod off, Perry. My blog has intrigue and interest. I delight the reader. Yours is all rubbish and about sexism and war.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    So that means you won’t be playing my new game then?

    Ho ho!

  125. Dave Says:


    ‘Finally. A true voice for our times.’ – MOJO

  126. Napoleon Says:


    “Never heard of it, sorry. Is it something to do with old people?” – MOJO

  127. ugeine Says:


    ‘He says things that the people don’t want to hear… I think everybody familiar with my work should read this as it explains my ideas with a lot more skill.’ DAVID IRVING

  128. Kremble Says:

    I’ve never said anything on this blog before, but I’ve enjoyed reading it over the last few months. I particularly like the comments sections. They make me laugh out loud. LOL. LOL! etc etc etc…more lazy acronyms….

    The main thing that’s struck me is how that young Tombstone fella manages to completely miss the point of every single discussion he decides to venture forth an opinion on. Anyhooo, keep up the good work.

    *slinks back under rock*

  129. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Ugiene/Ugeine- I haven’t denied the holocaust once, you tit. In actual fact I watched a Hitchcock documentary about it the other night, you arsehole.

  130. The Tombstone Says:

    “I’ve never said anything on this blog before, but I’ve enjoyed reading it over the last few months. I particularly like the comments sections. They make me laugh out loud. LOL. LOL! etc etc etc…more lazy acronyms….

    The main thing that’s struck me is how that young Tombstone fella manages to completely miss the point of every single discussion he decides to venture forth an opinion on. Anyhooo, keep up the good work.

    *slinks back under rock*”

    Finally someone gets me.

  131. Goerge Says:

    Ugiene/Ugeine- I haven’t denied the holocaust once, you tit. In actual fact I watched a Hitchcock documentary about it the other night, you arsehole.

    Good to see my fears you would miss the point and get over sensitive were completely unfounded, then.

    Where’s the grayface when you need it?

  132. The Tombstone Says:

    Wouldn’t it be cool if it turned out that me and Dave were the same schizophrenic person. With a variety of outfits as we trawl the internet losing arguments.

    I hope we’re not.

  133. Swineshead Says:

    The opposite of cool…

    If you’re commenting again, let’s remember that little mantra about thinking before we type, sonny jim. Cool?

  134. The Tombstone Says:

    Well I wasn’t going to but people have mentioned me like 3 times since I stopped. Could you reinstate my original email address thing and give me a list of groundrules? That would be top banana.

  135. Swineshead Says:

    Mentioned you three times in order to take the piss!

    You really have zero self-awareness.

    No – I can’t reinstate the emails and I’m fucked if I’m going to write you some groundrules, most people can work them out themselves.

    For fuck’s sake.

  136. The Tombstone Says:

    I’ll take that as a ‘Welcome back’ then.

  137. Goerge Says:

    It’s the best you’re going to get.

    I just got a swift kick in the nads and en elbow to the face.

  138. The Tombstone Says:

    Then I count myself lucky. Now to try and comment on The Restaurant without getting kicked out in record time…

  139. Goerge Says:

    Suggest some certain glamour models should die of a nasty illness, they love that shit.

  140. Do I not like that! Says:

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