The Restaurant

by

Though we’ve been keeping up with this over at Swineshead Towers, and despite its enormous similarities to The Apprentice, there’ll be no weekly breakdown of each episode as Badger Madge over at BMTV seems to be making a decent fist (titter) of it herself over here… and here. It’s undoubtedly improved on the first series and there’s a lot to enjoy in joining the affable Raymond Blanc as he orders a load of wannabe restauranters to undergo tests that would make any normal human being unravel within minutes.

Just as a taster, last night’s saw the teams of two – who each have been given their own restaurant for the duration of the show – delivered half a pig each and set the task of cooking and selling as much of the squealer as possible. Marks would be given for profit and then deducted for wastage. The format is exactly the same as the Apprentice and remarkably it doesn’t suffer from the transposition, apart from in one area.

Nick and Margaret are, by now, firm favourites when it comes to how Apprentice fans feel. The incredulous looks on their disgusted faces have become a part of the fabric of the show. In their place, on The Restaurant Monsieur Blanc is shanked by a couple of thorough bastards. Not cantankerous, lovable silver foxes like Sugar’s charges – these are just oily, smug shitbags and they take a bit of the fun away from proceedings.

David Moore wanders into the restaurants with the kind of fixed, shit-eating grin that lets you know that he thinks you’re shit before he’s even seen the supposed shitness of your shit and said ‘it’s shit’. His blank, jelly-baby face occasionally warps into a sneer, but on the whole he gives nothing away, making him the sneakiest Casper lookalike in the country.

Sarah Willingham is even worse. Permanently overdressed – like she thought she’d been invited to lunch with her Majesty – she takes herself far too seriously. The main problem wirh Willingham is that she asks leading questions to the contestants which offer nothing to the show, other to explain at point blank range what you already know is happening. If a cut of pork has been burned she’ll ask ‘do you realise that that’s burned?’ and both viewer and contestant will nod while shrugging as she smiles at how clever she’s been. She’s not a patch on Sugar’s Margaret. But then… who is?

Still, it all works out alright in the end when we hit the boardroom (or whatever they call it on The Restaurant) as Blanc sits in the middle of them and adds an air of respectable, reasonable Gallic charm to the proceedings. He does the job of Alan Sugar but he does it his own way – which is to be fair and offer appropriate advice. His approach is as effective as Siralan’s because, more often than not, contestants are blinded by his unerring friendliness and complete obsession with stuff you masticate and as a result they admit their failings immediately, as though they’ve let Daddy down. It’s very impressive.

And the food?

Magnifique!

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189 Responses to “The Restaurant”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    This show sounds sensational!

    And speaking of food-related matters, I went to the sandwich shop yesterday for my lunch. Perusing the menu, I was about to choose a tuna sandwich when it dawned on me that I’m completely unfamiliar with that area of the North Atlantic. Not wanting to make a fool of myself, I plumped for a bacon sandwich instead (as I know Norfolk like the back of my hand).

    And how did it taste?

    Stupéfiant!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s not lay into Piqued while he’s crippled with a bent spine, eh?

    Are you familiar wiz zees Raymond Blonc, Monsieur Cockaparte?

  3. Napoleon Says:

    I ave seen im on ze télévision, ma friend. I believe e ees like ze bad-tempered Gordon Ramsey, but wizzout ze filsee temper? Non?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    C’est vrai, bien sur. Ee eez un example of dat verrrry sturrange sing – un Frenchman oo is raisonable and oo durz not attempt to stick his cerk into every leetle lady ‘ee sees…

    Putain de merde!

  5. Clarry Says:

    I love Raymond and his complete obsession with perfection. On Saturday Kitchen they have an omelette challenge, where the object is to cook a 3 egg omelette as quickly as possible. The leaderboard is headed by a chef who managed to produce one in about 20 seconds – although barely edible due to its half burnt half raw state. Raymond however, didn’t seem to fully grasp the concept of ‘quickly’ and proceeded to make an omelette that was nothing less than perfection. He took the trouble to add cream, butter and seasoning before cooking on a gentle heat. He even finished it with a grating of truffle…

  6. Nick T Says:

    Haven’t seen it. Masterchef is my choice of poison. I have an straight man crush on Michel Roux.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Saturday Kitchen? Is that on a Saturday morning? If so, I haven’t seen a Saturday morning in seventeen years, so won’t have seen that.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got my Saturday mornings back as a result of turning down lager. It’s a decent time of the week and the extra minutes mean you can have three breakfasts and read an extra paper.

    Michael Roux deserves an article all of his own – the man looks like the Grim Reaper’s runtish brother.

  9. The Tombstone Says:

    I respectfully disagree with a few of your opinions about the advisors. I really like Sarah Willingham because she’s a no nonsense bitch but she’s also highly complimentary when they do something good. And she’s fit as anything. She is one for stating the obvious though. David Moore is a cock, even his mum thinks so.

    However, because Raymond is such a loveable sort if they didn’t have really nasty advisors then it would be a pretty dull show, with the couples constantly fucking up and people saying “not bad but try harder next week”.

  10. Clarry Says:

    I think Michel Roux looks ill.

    Yes NC Saturday Kitchen is on on a saturday. It used to be hosted by Greg Wallace who now does Masterchef – it was my favourite when he was on it. That plonker James Martin presents it now. A few weeks ago John Torode filled in for him, and it was like witnessing a car crash in super-slow motion. He was so awful it made James Martin looks like the slickest pro in the biz.

  11. charliemingles Says:

    Mormning all!

    Cynical plug for latest review:

    http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/lost-in-austen-2/

    PS: I talk openly about dressing up as woman in this if anyone’s interested.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    To be honest, Clarry, if I wasn’t comatose with drink on a Saturday morning, I still wouldn’t watch that. No offence, like, but cookery shows are watched by brain-damaged chimps, boobs, mongos and fuckwits.

  13. Nick T Says:

    Roux looks a bit haggared. He’s probably been dreaming about me.

    A handsome Frenchman?

  14. Clarry Says:

    I don’t watch SK fully, it is a good backdrop to waking up and every 15 mins or so they intersperse the shit with a good episode of Far Flung Floyd or Floyd’s American Pie which are hilarious.

  15. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m so glad the schedulers sorted themselves out and stopped showing Saturday Cooks and Saturday Kitchen at the same time. It broke my heart.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – The Restaurant is pretty much The Apprentice with a bit of cooking thrown in. It’s mostly a ‘laugh at the ambitious idiots’ show.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – Keith Floyd – a happy memory of a bygone era.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I have my fill of that kind of 10p TV once a year with The Apprentice. Why would I want to watch a show that’s an inferior copy? I haven’t watched any of the ITV/USA rip-offs of The Apprentice or Dragon’s Den, and don’t intend to start now just because they’ve added cooking to the mix.

    No, I’m too busy watching highbrow televison, me. That’s why I was watching Supercops and Trawlermen on the other side instead.

  19. Nick T Says:

    Graham Ker was far superior…

  20. Mikey Says:

    Supercops or Skycops?

    Graham Kerr (double r).

  21. Napoleon Says:

    Skycops, Supercops, Motorway Cops .. they’re all the same show, to be honest. I like that Trawlermen show. I had a haddock caught by one of the boats on that when I was on holiday.

  22. Clarry Says:

    Speaking of ridiculous made up progs with stupid titles, what do we think to the upcoming ‘Britain’s Got The Pop Factor and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice’?

  23. daveselectricblanket Says:

    My ex-housmate spent all his days watching The Worlds Most Amazing Police Chases 4. And I do mean that one show repeatedly, every single day. The only times he wasn’t watching The Worlds Most Amazing Police Chases 4 was when he was watching The World Deadliest Haddock or Man Vs Bear Grylls thingy. All educational I’m sure.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I watched The Family last night which is ambient television. Like watching a fishtank.

    The best bit was when a cat fell off the table, which says it all really. You’d have more fun looking out of the window.

  25. Nick T Says:

    double r?

    Disregard my whole point thennnnnnnnnnnn

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck that Family show – sound rubbish. I ended up watching two episodes of Family Guy I’ve seen umpteen times before, and then harrumphed off to the bath when ‘er indoors insisted on watching that Desperate Housewives (Catty Bagages) shit on Channel Four.

  27. Mikey Says:

    Jail on “Fiver”. Should be gaol eh?

  28. Nick T Says:

    The Starr Warrs special of Family Guy is a delight

  29. Napoleon Says:

    That Star Wars episode was alright. Went on a bit.

  30. Dave Says:

    ‘The Starr Warrs special of Family Guy is a delight’ – assuming this isn’t a ‘rr’ gag, you must not be acquanted with the joys of Robot Chicken. That’s right, Robot Chicken….

  31. Nick T Says:

    Rrobot chicken surely….

  32. Goerge Says:

    Robot chicken is good, but all the money’s on Sealab as far as Adult Swim goes. That show should be knighted.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    What the hell are you lot on about?

  34. Clarry Says:

    BGTPFAPANCJCSSSOI is real by the way. It Peter Kaye’s new prog.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    BGTPFAPANCJCSSSOI?

  36. Swineshead Says:

    *is also lost*

  37. Clarry Says:

    See my earlier comment at 9.32am.

  38. Clarry Says:

    I haven’t a clue what Nick and Goerge are on about.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Just like Phil Collins, I want ‘One More Night’.

  40. Dave Says:

    NC, SH – If you like FG’s Star Wars parody then you’ll LOVE Robot Chicken’s. Simple as that.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – Not a massive fan of that Kaye fellow.
    Dave – I think Family Guy is overrated…seen a couple of clips of Robot Chicken…it’s alright.

  42. The Tombstone Says:

    “BGTPFAPANCJCSSSOI is real by the way. It Peter Kaye’s new prog.”

    So is it a new sketch show or is the whole thing a parody of crap talent shows?

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t recall seeing Robot Chicken. A chap I know in America took the piss out of Adult Swim for National Lampoon and got a right kicking over it (if you’re going to rip the piss out of something, the awful National Lampoon is p’raps not the best place to do it).

  44. Nick T Says:

    We coul talk about South Park or is that too good?

  45. Goerge Says:

    South Park is genius.

  46. The Tombstone Says:

    South Park is hilarious, the Russel Crowe one in particular.

  47. Clarry Says:

    SH – I like Phoenix Nights and That Peter Kaye Thing, but the other stuff is overrated and he has completely run out of jokes. I was just wondering if anyone else thought he was jumping on the already done-to-death theme about a year too late or whether this might be a return to form?

    I love Family Guy and it makes me laugh a lot. It’s going to end up like the Simpsons though, something I watch when I stumble across it but I don’t seek it out.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    None of these shows are a patch on Last Of The Summer Wine. That’s the test of of a good comedy – longevity.

    And tin baths, obviously.

  49. Clarry Says:

    “So is it a new sketch show or is the whole thing a parody of crap talent shows?”

    It’s a parody of crap standup shows I think. Following two acts (PK is in both) with the original pop idol judges Pete Waterman, Dr Fox and Nicky Chapman cameoing. I fear it will be awful.

    My favourite episodes of Southpark are ‘Scott Tenenbaum must die’ with the chilli cook-off and the one where Cartman sucks off Butters to make him look gay.

  50. The Tombstone Says:

    Clarry I think Peter Kay’s new show will be the jumping on the already done-to death thing.

    Family Guy will never go the way of the Simpsons. The Simpsons got crap when they tried to be more like Family Guy, ironic seeing as they accuse Family Guy of ripping them off. I reckon Family Guy will have more sense than to try and drag it’s limited range of characters over as many episodes as The Simpsons have managed with their huge list.

  51. Dave Says:

    The best SP one is when Cartman makes some guy eat his own parents.

  52. The Tombstone Says:

    That does sound awful, both those episodes are really funny but the Awesmo robot one kills me every time.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    The funniest South Park I’ve ever seen is the ‘Casa Bonita’ one where Cartman fakes a nuclear war so he can replace Butters at Kyle’s birthday party. Nearly died laughing when I first saw that one.

  54. The Tombstone Says:

    In fact pretty much all of the Cartman versus Butters ones are the best ones I think. They should get a spin off show.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    Sounds like I need a South Park catch up night.

  56. Clarry Says:

    “The best SP one is when Cartman makes some guy eat his own parents.”

    That’s Scott Tenenbaum must die. He killed his parents and tricked Scott into eating his parents at the chilli cook off because he sold him some pubes.

  57. Dave Says:

    That’s the one. Genius.

  58. The Tombstone Says:

    All you really need is all the episodes about Cartman being really horrible to Butters and him being really nieve (can’t spell). The celebrity and movie parody ones are a little hit and miss.

  59. Dave Says:

    The celebrity one with Nieve Campbell was good though, Tombstone.

  60. Clarry Says:

    Best Cartman v Butters goes as follows:

    Cartman kept inviting Butters for sleepovers and everytime did something to him while he was asleep and took a picture. He showed the others his collection of pictures containing Butters with a cat poo moustache and with Cartman’s butt cheeks spread over his face amongst others. After the next sleepover he came running up to the other 3 guys and showed them his latest photo which was of him sucking off Butters, in order to make Butters look gay. They told Cartman it made him gay and the only way to reverse it was to get Butters to do the same to him. He blind folded Butters and tricked him into doing it just as his dad walked in. Butters was then sent to a christian “pray away the gay” camp, which really exists apparently! There the adventures continued.

  61. Nick T Says:

    Fav SP is one where Cartman inherits a theme park but won’t let any of his friends go to it.

    The Lord of the Rings one is great too.

    You can watch all of them at http://www.allsp.com.

    There is one where kenny gets addicted to sniffing male cats sprying…

    The name escapes me but the pic is of giant cartoon boobs

  62. The Tombstone Says:

    A few weeks ago I spent pretty much my entire Saturday doing a 1000 piece South Park jigsaw very slowly. The fun never stops with ol’ Tombstone.

  63. Goerge Says:

    The global warming one: Stan and cartman trash a damn and it floods the town next door, a really good parody on all the things happening around New Orleans. And apologies to Jessie Jackson is probably my favourite: The opening bit where Randy says the n word on television is ace. Randy’s one of the best characters in south park. And the passion of the jew, Christians rock hard, ther’es so many to choose from!

  64. The Tombstone Says:

    Ooh and when Randy was an alcoholic and when the Baseball team wanted to lose and Randy kept fighting other drunk dads, or when he had the massive shit. And when he couldn’t play Guitar Hero. Randy is the man.

  65. Goerge Says:

    dey tuk uuur jerb!

  66. The Tombstone Says:

    Imagination Land was a little bit meh though weren’t it? And it went on for 3 episodes.

  67. daveselectricblanket Says:

    King of the Hill, the one where they take their pet dog to a dancing competition and it’s rubbish but they learn that even if the dog is rubbish, and by extension themselves, they have each other and that’s all that matters. Hank stands in the garden talking about grass for a bit too…and we laugh at the white dad with an American Indian son a little too.

  68. Goerge Says:

    I dunno, Imagination Land was good in places. Probably could have cut it down and made a really good single episode out of it. Cartman is brilliant in it, with the Rambo and Gladiator parodies. And the bit at the end ‘oh, what’s kyle doing? He’s sucking my balls!’

    I can’t stand the manbearpig one though.

  69. The Tombstone Says:

    I really liked Manbearpig.

  70. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Jewphins.

  71. The Tombstone Says:

    The best King of The Hill was when he became a pimp, he had a pimp hat and everything. Guest starring Snoop D O double G himself. Or when he has no ass. Or when he can’t shit.

  72. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Reverting back to the purpose of this comments section, I thank you all, hasn’t it been a mighty long time since the previous series? Years.

    I remember there being some Welsh people, and some types that didn’t know how to spell the name of their own restaurant…let alone maintain a kitchen properly.

    I recall it being a brilliant format that surpasses Kitchen Nighmares, or Master Chef.

    And, SH, you need to calm down with these food shows. It’s becoming a concern.

  73. Swineshead Says:

    I need to cut down on food shows? I don’t really watch many. It’s good talk-over telly and the missus likes it.

    I’ve got one them, you see (a missus), so even if I wanted to (which I don’t) I can’t watch the X Files over and over again in the hope of catching a glimpse of that red haired woman’s cleavage.

    As if I would ever take advice from a greasy little Telesales non-entity like you, Dave. No offence, like.

  74. The Tombstone Says:

    There’s some really strange ones this year. A Chinese guy who can’t cook rice, an odd pairing of friends who I suspect are gay, one who sweats over plate of food he takes out and the other faffing around the front of house not knowing what he was doing. The funniest are the dedicated hard working spoilt brat with the ponies and her incompetent father who spent a few minutes giving out tatty leaflets before giving up and helping himself to a well deserved sit down.

  75. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m as much of a non-entity as you, SH, you nob. I’m as qualified as you. Does that hurt?

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – that Dad is so irritating. He’s clearly an ex Ad Exec or some similar role where you do fuck all all day and now he finds himself totally out of his depth. ‘Welcome to the madness!’ indeed. The silly sod. For some reason you can’t help feeling for him…

    I also suspect that the pair of friends are gay.

    It’s definitely better than Kitchen Nightmares but as a food show, not as good as Masterchef as none of the fuckers can cook very well.

  77. Nick T Says:

    Family Guy, where Hank discovers a new bait, crack.

    See, we’re all getting along!

    (kumbaya)

  78. Swineshead Says:

    I’m not going to compare the circumstances we each find ourselves in, Dave. It wouldn’t be fair on you.

  79. The Tombstone Says:

    Sweaty guy can cook, even Sarah Willingham loves his food. Maybe she loves ingesting sweat.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    True, TS. The oriental guy’s also got skills when he doesn’t veer outside his expertise.

    Not sure what you see in Willingham though.

  81. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Lisen, right. I make a light comment about you watching food shows in jest and you turn it into a vicious assault on my various failings. You’re a bully.

    And I’ve booked a good few days off at the end of this months for various interviews…so fingers crossed. And I’ve started a gym and a healthy diet, cutting down on beer.

    So, short of my tiny willy, everything’s moving forwards.

    I’m a young man, SH, trying to find his way in the world and you stone me for it. All because I tried to share a plaful foodshow-based gag. You’re an animal.

  82. The Tombstone Says:

    Willingham is a hottie, maybe I like domineering bitchy women who knows. I’ve yet to see the oriental guy do anything but fuck up rice (Rice!) and burn his best bits of pork.

    So the big question, who’s your pick to win. I’m going with Cheerful Soul even though they do my head in.

  83. piqued Says:

    Dave, what is the matter with you?

    It’s you that get personal, you dish it out and you can’t take it.

    It’s tiresome posting comments these days because all you do is inconsistently rip into people / kiss their arse and then moan about how unfair it all is.

    If your tongue is in your cheek you’re not very good at conveying it.

    *awaits feeble assault based on projected perceptions of intelligence, ironically*

  84. The Tombstone Says:

    I think the main problem is that you can’t get your tone across in writing. So unless people know you they think everything you are saying is deadly serious.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    I’d like to add that Dave also wanks in the dark over pictures of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. He can just about make out her face on the poster spread on his single bed by the glow of a third-hand TV that’s showing a 5th Anniversary Special Edition Limited Collector’s Box Set Platinum DVD Collection of Torchwood (value when new: £50, value now: £0.05).

    What a sad and sorry little man.

  86. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m not very good at most things, Piqued. And all I have these days is this site…and when people like yourself, who I look up to, attack me for my shortcomings it, well, and this may sound strange, hurts. I don’t think you realise it….

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone said

    I think the main problem is that you can’t get your tone across in writing. So unless people know you they think everything you are saying is deadly serious.

    I know what you mean, but there’s a skill in making sure that doesn’t happen. Rereading what you’ve written helps…

    Old farts vs Youngsters – round two!

    Dave – you started it off being personal, as what Piqued done said.

  88. piqued Says:

    And what about the other day Dave when you got personal? I didn’t find that very funny either.

    I don’t recall anyone attacking you for your shortcomings without provocation.

    I maintain that if you’re going to dish it out don’t be surprised when someone gives it back.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    AND STOP WANKING IN THE DARK.

  90. charliemingles Says:

    wanking in the dark, was definitely bruce springsteen’s worst song.

  91. charliemingles Says:

    http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/lost-in-austen-2/

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Not Porn In The USA? Or Blinded By The Shite?

  93. charliemingles Says:

    no. neither if those.

  94. Clarry Says:

    Judging from his last comment I think Dave may have gone to end it all…

    P.S CM I meant to reply to your comments about the man who ate nothing but cheese for 28 years, but I got busy. I thought it was very funny when he revealed his recipes:

    1) ‘If i’ve had a hard day of panel beating and I don’t fancy slaving over the grater, I go for a plate of salt and vinegar crisps with two pieces of cheese straight off the block’

    2) ‘Sometimes for a change I go for a ‘Hula Hoop surprise’. He then showed us how this was prepared – cue close up of his stumpy, grime coated fingers pushing Hula Hoops into a block of cheese. ‘And voila, there you have it, Hula Hoops filled with cheese’.

    3) ‘Now if i’m feeling fancy I go for something a la carte…. grated cheese, with ready salted crisps round the edge’.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    I like the slaving over a grater line.

  96. Nick T Says:

    BBQ flavoured Monster Munch. You can never buy them as a single packet, only in a varrrriety pack!

    I quite like faddy diets. I’m on a high protein vegetarian one and it I acers.

    Harry Hill burbs up a good take on the faddy eaters……

  97. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m doing that re-reading thing today. It seems to be working as it’s 1.36 and I haven’t been kicked out yet.

    I just hope you all recognise the difference between people like that Greg/KFC guy who just want to come here and insult everyone and be a twat and people like me and Dave who are…well I can’t speak for Dave but I’d say well meaning simpletons.

  98. Goerge Says:

    I remember watching that and going off cheese for a month. His farts must smell something horrible.

  99. The Tombstone Says:

    Actually is Dave okay? That message seemed like he was actually really upset. He’s not going to brag about how many mice he has and try and fellate Napoleon again is he?

  100. charliemingles Says:

    I know Clarry. he was a genuinely nice guy and you had to feel for him, especially the way he worried about his wee boys.

    But, at the same time, you felt like smacking the daft bastard. It was sad and hilarious at the same time,, though it was definitely a 30 min show stretched over an hour.

    Quite touching scene at the end when hes out with his kids.

    Dont tell anyone this Clarry, but I’m actually a big soppy bastard (see latest lost in austen review)

    I just pretend to be cynical as it’s easier to be funny that way.

    I mostly spend my time looking at cute pictures of baby tasmanian devils like this:

  101. Goerge Says:

    ‘He’s not going to brag about how many mice he has and try and fellate Napoleon again is he?’

    Why would he brag about fellating Napoleon? We’ve all fellated Napoleon. It’s nothing special.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    People have killed themselves over comments made in internet chat rooms before now, so I wouldn’t put it past him, Tombstone.

    The great, wet lettuce

    Phrase ‘great, wet lettuce is (c) Caramac advert from the 90s

    Well done on your parole so far, by the way.

  103. The Tombstone Says:

    Yeah did you read about that guy in the news who got stabbed and they think it was someone he was arguing with in a gaming chat room? Scary shit man.

    That could have really used a pat on the head, I didn’t quite feel patronised enough by that*

    *This comment was, although not strictly a joke, meant to be taken as a light hearted remark and not one that was meant to insult and/or offend.

  104. Badger Madge Says:

    merci pour la linkage monsieurs.

    blog on this weeks’ progs tonight. hopefully. x

  105. Nick T Says:

    Caramac, now there’s an idea..

  106. The Tombstone Says:

    Do they still do Caramac? I loved Caramac. And was that the football “My gran could have scored that you wet lettuce” ad you were referring to? How did that sell Caramac anyway?

  107. charliemingles Says:

    I started the rumour about dave being 1000mice.

    He, good-humouredly picked up the gag when he arrived and ‘admitted’ to as much just for a laugh.

    Dont kill yourself dave. there are other brands of crisps. and still many more flavours of cheese out there to try.

    Dont top yourself til youve at least tried wensleydale and monster munch. thats delish … so ive been told.

  108. Dave Says:

    They’re bringing back the original sized monster munch with the original artwork on the packets. I hope they put the flavour back in them too, and give them back some bite.

  109. The Tombstone Says:

    So is Dave, davesthermalpants and the other dave all different dave’s then?

  110. The Tombstone Says:

    Wait that didn’t need an apostrophe. So much for re-reading stuff.

  111. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’m Schizophrenic…yet perversely we all have the same personality. A shit one.

  112. The Tombstone Says:

    Okay then *steps away slowly*

  113. Swineshead Says:

    I think all the Daves are the same person – I’m not sure… He’s dumbfounded me with his wily ways – almost as clever as you, Tombstone, inventing a million email addresses to get around the WWM fortress walls.

    As for Caramac (I think it was Clarry who asked), like Boosts you can get them down my way. I had a Dime bar at lunch, if anyone cares or is even still reading this.

    Hello?

    *echo*

  114. The Tombstone Says:

    Yeah that is a pretty tight security system you have there. Isn’t there some way to block the IP or something, like wikipedia?

  115. Swineshead Says:

    Probably.

  116. charliemingles Says:

    dave, you need to decide on an online ‘personality’

    Ive gone for alternately cruel and soppy, it confuses and disorientates them but, hopefully, keeps them reading.

    You appear to be a strange mixture and variety of all sorts.

    Chose one, maximum two ( preferably with comic potential) and stick to those, is my suggestion.

  117. The Tombstone Says:

    And right now I’m not even using a proper email address.

  118. piqued Says:

    I’m poking at your words with my walking stick

    I too had a Dime the other day, the inside bit can be quite sharp and plays havoc with your dentures

    NURSE!

  119. The Tombstone Says:

    And do the mice thing again, that was hilarious. In fact stay as the mice that was the best one.

  120. Clarry Says:

    Caramacs make me feel sick. I’ve spent years being the daughter of a sugar addict and I was sugar mainlining in the womb. It put me right off sweets and chocolate for years and thesedays I can only manage sweets that have a good balance of biscuit or nuts to break up the chocolateyness. At the peak of her addiction mum’s snacks included eating whole cans of condensed milk with a spoon, lettuce and sugar parcels, 10 iced buns in one go and biscuits by the packet – without feeling sick in the slightest. Annoyingly for her she is now an insulin dependant diabetic. Life can be so cruel….

  121. charliemingles Says:

    piqued – hows the back old boy?

    *deja vu*

  122. The Tombstone Says:

    Oh and did anyone else notice the smaller budget The Restaurant has been given this year. Series one they had a fancy looking mansion hall thing with nice chairs while they wait to go in the fancy room. This year they stand awkwardly in a grotty kitchen before going through to what looks like a recruitment agency conference room.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    I had a Caramac only the only day, as it ‘appens. Still as vile as ever.

    And as for Monster Munch – If they’re bringing back the originals, are they going to be bring back the original texture (like Space Raiders), and are they going to reintroduce the different shapes the cost-cutting shithouses got rid of when Walkers bought Smiths out?

    This shouldn’t matter to me as much as it suddenly does …

  124. The Tombstone Says:

    The beef ones were the best.

  125. Dave Says:

    As a kid a I recall ridiculously cheesey Quavers that were the size of houses. I also fondly remember that crazy singing dog…what was wrong with him?

  126. Dave Says:

    That’s right, I used to be a Radiohead album….

  127. Dave Says:

    In reverse…

  128. charliemingles Says:

    I’m afraid I’m more of a Pringles man myself. Once youve had Pringles, you can’t go back. That’s the curse of fine-dining.

    Cheese and onion Pringles, glass of ice cold milk, vanilla slice to follow. fuck it – garcon, 2 vanilla slices.

  129. Nick T Says:

    I mourrn the coconut yankie.

    So few people have heard of it I wonder if it ever was..

  130. piqued Says:

    Dave, your hands got bigger, Quavers have always been the same size

    What dog?

  131. piqued Says:

    … having said that the dog singing crazy was Patsy Cline

  132. Dave Says:

    The blue disco dog they had on the packets….that’s what they had, wasn;t it?

  133. piqued Says:

    I think that must have been when I was inside

  134. charliemingles Says:

    piqued – Yes, a few years of rough sodomy would certainly explain your bad back.

  135. Napoleon Says:

    I had Pringles and went back. Went back to good old dependable Walkers Beef ‘n’ Onion. Then the bastards fucked about with ’em, renamed ’em Steak ‘n’ Onion, and they’ve never been the same since.

  136. Clarry Says:

    Aren’t Pringles supposed to exude green gunge and fat when you set fire to them?

  137. piqued Says:

    Pringles are fascist crisps.

    Can’t beat a Quaver or a Square if you ask me

  138. Dave Says:

    Pringles Light give you the shits, Clarry. You’d pay a fortune in a health farm for that.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not so fond of Quavers – never thought you got much crisp for your money. Ditto: Chipsticks, Frazzles and Wotsits.

  140. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry, oddly enough I tend to eat them rather than set fire to them. But maybe that’s just me.

    best taste by far, Pringles. the rest of those taste of salt and chemicas, if you like that soret of thing.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    Can I just point out that perspective, by the way, is a pain in the arse? P’raps I should have listened when my art teacher used to draw all over my work with fucking biro ink I couldn’t then rub off, instead of flying into a blind rage and screwing up the paper …

  142. piqued Says:

    Wotsits are cheese flavoured air but you can shove loads in to make wotsit-mouth-mash.

    I agree about Chipsticks but I won’t have a word said against a Quaver or a Frazzles

  143. The Tombstone Says:

    Frazzles are the dog’s. You get the Frazzles out at a party and you’ll have an empty bowl in seconds.

  144. charliemingles Says:

    NC – I was under the impression that having good perspective, in both senses of the word, would be a definite handicap for a freelance cartoonist.

  145. piqued Says:

    In fact TS, what is a party without Frazzles? I’ll tell you. A non-starter.

  146. charliemingles Says:

  147. Napoleon Says:

    It usually is, Mingles. Sadly, I’m drawing a chap jumping off a roof, with the building seen from the perspective of the rooftop down. Five hours I’ve been on this, and I’m only just getting on to the windows after doing the doors, balconies, lintels, door frames, fucking etc. etc. Me eyes have gawn all wappy, like.

  148. The Tombstone Says:

    I normally save them for when the moods dying a bit. Or after a fight or someone starts crying. They are a great second wind snack for a party.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been to a party without Frazzles, and ended up sleeping with the hostess. That party started up for me at least.

  150. The Tombstone Says:

    I wish I could draw.

  151. Napoleon Says:

    So do I, Tombstone. It would make my job a damn-sight easier.

  152. Swineshead Says:

    Frazzles are amazing. I’m also fond of the chipstick…
    If you have time on your hands, a bag of chipsticks, no concern for personal hygiene and are about seven years old, much fun can be had with a bag of chipsticks, as follows:

    Moisten the end of a chipstick. Stick another chipstick on the end, using the saliva crisp-mush gunk as adhesive. Continue until you have the world’s longest chipstick. Eat world’s longest chipstick. Saunter off, looking for new adventures.

  153. The Tombstone Says:

    Well yeah sex is better than Frazzles. But in the absense of sex it’s Frazzles all the way.

  154. Dave Says:

    Cheese Doritos. Fin.

  155. Clarry Says:

    CM – I think most people eat them, but there’s quite a bit about setting them on fire on Youtube. I think it was Jezza Clarkson and Chris Moyles that were going on about this green gunge phenomenon, so you’ll have to take it up with them.

    I would have thought Pringles are also made entirely of chemicals, plastic and preservatives. In fact weren’t they proved to have something in them that made them addictive and were coated in something that prevent you from ingesting them properly.

    Dave – No, I wouldn’t eat Pringles Light if they were the last snack product on earth. Also, regardless of what I eat I remain a size 6, so I don’t tend to go for any of that faddy diet shit.

    No, I wouldn’t eat them if they were the last snack product on earth. Also, regardless of what I eat I remain a size 6, so I don’t tend to go for any of that faddy diet shit.

  156. The Tombstone Says:

    That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

    I can’t do anything other than stick figures though, and even they look crap.

  157. Clarry Says:

    Not sure why that went on twice. Weirdz.

  158. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you’ve got this very annoying habit of saying ‘fin’ or ‘end of’ to try and add weight to your assertions.

    Hey – I’m only trying to help you iron out your bad habits.

  159. piqued Says:

    What SH Chipstick thing? I think the Holocaust was a bit worse

  160. Swineshead Says:

    I’m sure you did similar stuff when you were tiny wee.
    Freud would have something to say about my chipstick tower.

    *walks around with cock hanging out*

  161. The Tombstone Says:

    You’re right I was excagerating (can’t spell). The holocaust was indeed much worse than his chipstick story. Both made me feel ill for very different reasons.

  162. Dave Says:

    That’s the first time I’ve ever typed fin in my life, SH. Are you sure you’re not mistaking me for Daveselectricblanket?

  163. Napoleon Says:

    I used to use spit as a glue for Hula Hoops. Takes a bit of effort, but you can, if you’re extremely patient and have adecent supply of spittle, produce a Hula Hoop of tower-like proportions.

  164. The Tombstone Says:

    How about 1000 mice does she say fin at the end of sentences?

  165. Nick T Says:

    If I was size 6 I wouldn’t go on a faddy diet.

    If I wasn’t half blind I wouldn’t wear glasses either.

  166. charliemingles Says:

    I hadnt heard that Clarry. Although I think jeremy clarkson is an amusing man and very much enjoy his column in the sunday times. Moyles is, as his name quite literally suggests, a dickwad.

    But I’ll check that out and probably stop eating them soon after. Any other pleasures you want to take off me. You’ll be saying I can’t make play the stock market next.

    thankfully, I can start the day with a large glass of Sunny D and Ribena. blessed sanctuary.

  167. Swineshead Says:

    As a student, in lieu of a proper dinner, I’d pop those mini silver skinned pickled onions into the gaps in monster munch as a sort of delicious starter before my main course of egg poached in beans.

    Washed down with home made vodka – no word of a lie.

  168. charliemingles Says:

    I lived off cheap coffee, cheap spongey bread and those industrial vats of margarine when I was a student.

    This diet, and the fact that I’d been very very drunk the night before and had less than 2 hours sleep, can probably account for the fact that I shat myself during my graduation ceremony.

    I couldnt leave the hall, as I was waiting my turn. I was like a freezing lump of dense porridge hanging in my trousers by the time I shook the bursars hand and was given my completely useless degree.

    I found a toilet immediately afterwards. Thankfully the good Lord, for once, was smiling down on me and the cubicle had a basin and soap and I scrubbed myself clean.

    And, in my graduation photo, which sits proudly on my parents mantlepiece to this day … I am not wearing any knickers.

    PLease, please, ladies. Form an ordelrly queue if you don’t mind.

  169. Swineshead Says:

    I actually did a ‘LOL’ at that Charlie – superb stuff.

  170. Clarry Says:

    “Although I think jeremy clarkson is an amusing man and very much enjoy his column in the sunday times. Moyles is, as his name quite literally suggests, a dickwad.”

    Agreed – I despise Moyles. He is the very definition of a man who dishes it out but can’t take it.

    Nick – I’m not particularly pleased at having a figure that resembles that of a pre-pubescent boy. I would prefer to be curvy.

  171. charliemingles Says:

    Nick, dont listen to her. Ive seen the wedding photos. shes a wee fox.

    * once again succesfully avoids mentioning either mother or Steps*

  172. Clarry Says:

    Surely the stink cloud alerted everyone in close proximity that you had soiled yourself?

  173. Clarry Says:

    But isn’t that always the way? People always want the opposite of what they’ve got.

    *continues having counselling after CM/mother/steps debacle*

  174. charliemingles Says:

    Amazingly enough Clarry, no.

    Once again, the good lord prevailed to somehow make it ‘fairly’ unscented.

    Dont ask me how. Remember it was a giant hall full of students. they all smell like shit most of the time anyway.

    *I may be remembering that more pleasantly than it was. It was actually like being in Nam at the time. I was traumatised.

    They had to lift my shamefaced knickerless body out of the area by chopper.

    Ah, happy carefree days of sweet-scented youth.

  175. Nick T Says:

    Curvy. Yes, that’s what I am.

    *sobs*

  176. Clarry Says:

    Whilst holidaying in Greece one year mum and I went on a coach trip, which stopped off at a recreation area so we could have a toilet break. A long queue formed for the two available toilets, although only one ever appeared to become vacant. Eventually mum got to the head of the queue and the saloon-style doors of the continually engaged cubicle creaked opened. To her horror a drunken, tramp-man emerged, with shit all down his trousers. Imagine her dilemma…

    Unfortunately for you CM, I imagine your graduation trousers resembled the tramp’s. In fact did you graduate in Greece?

  177. charliemingles Says:

    No, Clarry. But thanks for wiping that mother & daughter combo fantasy I had out of my mind once and for all.

    What was her dilemma? Shit herself or use the bog? Not much of one in my view.

    * breathing into brown paper bag ….rose-scented pellets ….bunnies ….. sugar & spice ….*

  178. charliemingles Says:

    And just to clarify some details for keen readers following this tale:

    I used to wear snug boxers in those days and my stool was both solid and substantial.

    *bows, acknowledges the crowd*

    Therefore it remained hanging in my knickers like a slingshot – albeit a wet stinking slingshot. But the important detail is – my trousers remained unscathed.

    I burnt them anyway of course. just in case.

    Hope that clears things up miss.

  179. Clarry Says:

    I have a particularly severe germ phobia as it goes, so to me this is quite a quandry.

    She bravely chose to enter (to do a wee I might add). Remember girls have to sit down to wee, and we are sensitive. I can’t even sit on a clean loo seat if it is a public one. The rest of the rules are just too long and weird to cite.

  180. charliemingles Says:

    Hey girls! Bored?!

    Tired of conventional men with their poncy ‘I shit in the toilet’ palaver?

    then why not have a date with Charlie at:

    http://www.ionceshatmyselfinpublic.com

    Amazingly ladies – he’s single!

  181. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry, I hope this currrent debate is working as a form of what phobia psychologists call systematic desensitisation.

    See, I did learn stuff at university. I wasnt soiling myself the whole time.

    That confession makes my shy kidneys sound almost normal.

    Shy kidneys and extrovert bowels, eh? the sweet sweet irony.

  182. charliemingles Says:

    I was Wondering why your hair suddenly went all curly in your wedding photos.

    I thought it was maybe heated rollers. but obviously it was just the effect of the dettol & the wire brushes.

    You poor wee beast.

  183. Clarry Says:

    My phobia is mainly based around smells. This can normally be avoided by holding my breath, but in the event that I have to breathe I prevent myself from swallowing, on the basis that you can taste strong smells and I might therefore be consuming particles of whatever stinks i.e. shit etc.

  184. charliemingles Says:

    I seem to be in this place pretty much alone right now. the stench has obviously driven everyone else away ….

    Clarry: you really need to start writing a blog. Just to give us the weird and fascinating details of your germ phobia.

    I now picture you as a sort of female Niles Crane, dusting down seats in cafes before you sit on them. Are you typing this from your bubble, using those big rubber gloves?

  185. charliemingles Says:

    I dont think thats a phobia Clarry. that just called being normal and not wanting to inhale anyone elses stench.

    Personally, I hate fart gags. I dont find it in the least amusing that someone farts and were supposed to find the smell of their rectum amusing,

    Im aware this is all coming from a man who shat himself in public. But, remember, I didnt immediately then bound on stage, grab the mic from the principal and launch into 5 minutes of stand up on the subject. That happened quite a few years later.

  186. Clarry Says:

    I try and hide my really mental habits, but some have become so ingrained I barely even notice. My beloved has started to get a bit OCDish now too, which is funny as when I met him he was the complete opposite. I remember being horrified as we were on a train and he spilled a bit of his drink and he licked it off the table. Arghhhh!!!

    I’m off now too. Laterz.

  187. Goerge Says:

    I used to get two polos and stick an opal fruit in between, like a sandwitch. I used to then repeat this three times and shove all four in my mouth, and then dribble all over my dad’s leather seats in his Morris Minor. I used to love that car.

    My dad was* an old car enthusiast, I wasn’t born in 40s Yorkshire.

    *I mean was as in ‘he used to be and now he isn’t’ rather then ‘he used to be and now he’s dead.

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