America’s Next Top Model


Something interesting happened on America’s Next Top Model on Monday night.

No – seriously.

In amongst all the usual shit, a sparkling moment of clarity. The truth outed itself for one instant, but then vapourised without leaving its mark. But for that tiny, shining moment, the grotesque absurdity of the whole franchise was called into question – and it came from the most unlikely of sources.

The important folk on ANTM refer to each series as a ‘cycle’. Not a ‘series’. Not a ‘season’. A ‘cycle’. When you dwell on this, the logic holds up. The girls all come from nowhere and end up back in sweet obscurity – so ‘cycle’ it is.

This cycle, we have the usual bunch of warped, seven foot in-breds doing walking, then doing standing still whilst under the scrutiny of a bunch of complete and utter cocks, headed up by the contemptible, neurotic bundle of blabber they call Tyra Banks.

Among the contestants this cycle, the only candidates of any interest are Marvita and Fatima. Marvita is an amazonian shit-kicker who’d eat you for breakfast. Looking like Chris Partlow‘s older, more aggravated sister, she talks through her history of abuse as though she’s reeling off a shopping list. Her cold, dead eyes are supremely likable for some reason.

Then there’s Fatima (pronounced ‘Fah-TEE-mah’, apparently – though I prefer the ‘Whitbread’ phonetic of ‘FATTY-mah’). Fatima is an out and out bitch who, in episode one this bicycle dropped the bombshell that she was circumcised at birth and suffered genital mutilation. Which is horrible, and we all feel for her. The first time she says it. By the time we’ve heard about it for the fourth time in 40 minutes, the goodwill sadly starts to diminish to the point where we forget about her campaign and realise she’s using it as sympathy-leverage so she can be this unicycle‘s wind up merchant, starting cat-fights like there’s no tomorrow. 

And finally in this brief round up, until last night, there was Kimberley. An unremarkable, plank-thick blonde with nothing to say for herself – last night she became a fleeting heroine as, when asked to step forward before they ripped the shit out of her photo on judgement day she said (and I’m forced to paraphrase):

‘Y’know – I don’t really like fashion much’

She went on to explain how she thinks that high fashion is stupid and that anyone who pays $2,000 for an outfit is an idiot and, sorry, but this whole thing just wasn’t for her.

The judges’ faces dropped. As they sat there with jaws on their laps I hoped that, even if only for a millisecond, they felt humbled by the logic of a nobody – suddenly realising that the show they’re working on is a fatuous, risible and futile mess that creates absolutely nothing of any meaning or value. Unlikely, but maybe she hit her point home for a fraction of a moment.

Kimberley – I salute you.

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59 Responses to “America’s Next Top Model”

  1. The Tombstone Says:

    Genital mutilation? Goodbye breakfast.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, TM – unfortunately it happens. Not pleasant, and sorry if I disturbed your breakfast. You might not feel so nauseous if you chose a healthy breakfast rather than a Sausage & Egg McMuffin, mind you.

  3. Nick T Says:

    I wish they had that “clarity moment” on the X factor. People aspire to win that like its eternal life.

  4. The Tombstone Says:

    I had a Tracker Bar actually :p

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Ha ha! GREAT review! Mind you, it’s not as great as my complicated new board game, Attila The Fun, which is greaterer. Fancy beheading a complete stranger? Ever wanted to fuck over the French or garrot the Germans? No? Then click on my name and head over to my site where you can play my awful new game AND possibly win a luxury two-week break to the planet Mars!

  6. Swineshead Says:

    About as subtle as a punch in the face, that was.
    You should probably link it…

  7. The Tombstone Says:

    So how do you play? Your instructions didn’t include that.

  8. Goerge Says:

    Ha! That’s brilliant. God, the amount of time I’ve spent wishing that somebody would just turn around on Bi Brother and say ‘actually, I don’t mind going home, it’s just a gameshow.’

  9. Mork Says:

    That’s right. Swineshead’s taken the time to write a very capable commentry on the American talent show culture and all we can do is divert from the kind of competition portrayed so wonderfully above with Perry’s competition?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks Mork – don’t worry – I’ve a feeling Perry’s board game’ll be broken by Boxing Day.

  11. Goerge Says:

    After last night, would just like to reiterate my point: Van Persie and Abedeyor: Signed for under 4 million each. Rooney and Berbatov: Signed for over 25 million each.

  12. Dave Says:

    ‘After last night, would just like to reiterate my point: Van Persie and Abedeyor: Signed for under 4 million each. Rooney and Berbatov: Signed for over 25 million each.’

    That means nothing until you win a damned trophy n’shit. But what that comment has to do with America’s Next Top Model, a show that takes advantage of the beauty and naivity of youth for corporate gain I’ll never know.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – I thought you were due in court for taking advantage of the beauty and naivity of a youth


  14. Dave Says:

    Yes, but never for corporate gain…unless you count all the Happy Meals and Bratz dolls I’ve been forced to invest in.

  15. The Tombstone Says:

    Goerge. Utd won the double last year. Arsenal won a game last night. What’s your point?

  16. The Tombstone Says:

    Well Napoleon’s game seems to have ground to a shuddering halt. I was enjoying that.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    I was in the loo, Tombstone.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Tombstone – are you one of them plastic Mancs?
    Bet you are. You sound like one.

    When did you pick your team, out of interest?

    And after that, can we move on? You’re annoying me. Again.

  19. The Tombstone Says:

    I don’t support Man Utd no.

  20. Dave Says:

    I work on the doorstep of Old Trafford. Literally two minutes away from me right now, which is a pain on matchdays cos of the trams.

    Do I win?

  21. Goerge Says:

    TS: The point I made yesterday was that you have to respect Wenger for building a world class team on an exceptionally smaller budget then his rivals. If you fanboys want to cock wrestle each other over who’s the absolute bestest team in the world then be my guest, but I find that kind of talk a bit boring.

    SH: It’s easy to bitch about plastic fans when you live in London. I live in East Anglia. The highest team our region has is Norwich, in The Championship. I support Northampton, but I can understand why my friends side with Man U, Liverpool, Arsneal, Chelsea etc.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t mind any distance fans apart from the ones who support Man Utd because they win trophies.

    Anyhow, Tombstone’s on one of those final warnings again.

  23. The Tombstone Says:

    I’m not getting involved anymore. I seem to have misunderstood how things work here again. You made a point about Arsenal players being great value for money – me and Dave pointed out that it was early days to be celebrating after one victory when they couldn’t beat Hull. I’m not a Man Utd fan or a fanboy I was stating a fact/opinion. No personal attacks needed or implied, sorry. Again.

    So crap telly, eh? Tiswas – that still going?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t point anything out, TS. You were talking to George.

    The simple fact is, you’re a pain in the fucking arse.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    I think I’ve got rid of him with special computer powers…

  26. Napoleon Says:

    As a Spurs fan, can I just say how delighted I am with our current position in the Premiership?

  27. Dave Says:

    In Australia you’re hailed as champions. Although their football involves gays in short shorts beating on each other for points…or something.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    You should be very grateful to that Spaniard with the Midas touch, Señor Cockaparte, for he has made the massive change in the Spurs culture that was needed. Good job your board got rid of that German title-leading Shrek lookalike.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Indeed, Swineshead. The mighty Spurs have flourished – FLOURISHED – under the careful management of La Ramos. I look forward to next season, where we’ll no doubt be battling to stay in the Championship.

  30. Nick T Says:

    Ahh the fooball again.

    See you tomorrow….

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that Nick.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    I’m afraid it’s rather sour in here today anyhow. We’ve already had one banishment and a mass exodus to the board game over on Napoleon’s site. I’d recommend popping over there.

  33. Dave Says:

    If not more annoying, surely I’m equally as annoying as TS. Why don’t you ever ban me on this pretty Dolly of a pop-culture blog?

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Despite your rampant racism, sexism and homophobia, I don’t think you’ve ever really crossed the line, dear boy.

  35. Clarry Says:

    Hey everyone!

    *thumbs up*

    Is it me or is the girl with an opinion from ANTM (pictured top), a bit, well, freaky looking? Or is it just a bad picture?

    I think she probably made a scene so she’d be chucked out for that rather than for being ugly.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Owch! Claws out, eh Clarry?

  37. Dave Says:

    I once worled with Britain’s Third Top Model 2006.

    I’m a man connected. I also had a drink with a lass from Apendaholics in 2006.

  38. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh yes, that girl who couldn’t stop correcting stuff.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Maybe I’m behind the times, but what is ‘worling’?
    Or was that a typo?

    Hello JQW, long time no bum.

  40. badgermadge Says:

    That Fah Tee Mah has an interview in this week’s Look mag. I’ve yet to read it, but there’s a pic of her sobbing on Bank’s shoulder. I was on the crapper as I flicked to it the first time… Nuff said.

  41. Dave Says:



  42. badgermadge Says:

    Apendoholics sounds more interesting…

  43. piqued Says:

    *pops head round door*



    Mmm, no one here

    *rifles through draws*

    *nicks a kit kat off the desk*

    *wanks into ‘you don’t have to mad to work here but it helps’ mug*

  44. Goerge Says:

    *gets back*

    *puts kettle on*

    *gets out favourite ‘you don’t have to mad to work here but it helps’ mug*

    *makes tea*

    *drinks tea*

    *spits like in comedy TV programmes*

  45. Goerge Says:

    The dirty pretty things have split!


  46. Swineshead Says:

    Nice one! That is great news.

  47. piqued Says:


    Thank you George


  48. Goerge Says:

    That twinkle in your eye seems very familiar Piqued…


  49. Dave Says:

    There are hundred of fragmented ‘The’ bands out there, all weating, for no reason I can think of, 18th Century army jackets and blathering about how swearing’s ‘fucking cool. yeah’

    Pass me the rifle , I’ll pick them off while they’re vulnerable.

    A brick’d do, actually.

    *does something inane with a bottle of Cif*

  50. pinkjellybaby Says:

    It’s still compulsive viewing though!

  51. Napoleon Says:

    No it isn’t!

  52. Jo Says:

    I don’t watch it – but from that comment, I wish I did.

  53. badgermadge Says:

    Read the feature yesterday (on the crapper) and apparently she hadn’t told anyone until she told Tyra Banks on the show. Yeah right! She said she put it down as a fact about herself on her entry form…

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Readers of WWM will be delighted to know my new online conquest game Attila The Fun is open for its second day of play. Why bother reading about some bloody model show, when you can invade Europe and hammer the Spanish instead?

    Play here now!

  55. indy Says:

    rumour has it that there’s a tranny/shemale/freakshow in the next season. however. got to admit that i’m a bit of a fan of ANTM (check my -swedish- live blogging sessions on my blog) BUT! recently the casting has been really poor. ugly and boring girls that are so indiscreetly typecasted on previous success stories (every season following eva “the diva”, has had their own low budget-eva in it etc) and the ideas for the shots have been less and less imaginative and sometimes just stupid, even for being “fashion”, for example check the necrophilia shots, two seasons ago, correct me if i’m wrong. the only thing that the show has spent more recently is the trailerish bits for tyra’s daytime show. every time i take the time to watch an episode nowadays feels like meeting a an old friend who has turned to heroin. just heroin. not heroin chic.

  56. indy Says:


  57. Goerge Says:

    Am I actually going to have to work or something today?

  58. mr dicksplat Says:

    …if you hate the show so much why do you watch it? get a hobby luvvvver

  59. Swineshead Says:

    I never said I hated it, which sort of renders your comment redundant, Mr Dicksplat.

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