The X Factor (again)

by

Auditions? We’re past all that now. Boot Camp? Stick your Boot Camp – we’ve moved on! Luxury Villas? Gah – you’re too late! Because we’re on the brink of the Live Finals now! It’s time to put on your snazziest balaclava and apply lipstick to your nipples as Saturday Nights become X Factor showbiz bonanzas!

In truth, I’ve never made it to this point before with the X Factor. Like most right-minded folk, my interest wanes after the auditions. It’s more fun tutting over the modern bedlam of the regional try-outs, as mentally-impaired plebs line up for humiliation than it is listening to a load of half-arsed, half-baked sob stories and lies. But this time, somehow, I’ve hung on in there. And now I’m DAMNED if I’m going to give up. I’m a scabrous barnacle clinging to the X Factor’s arse and I’ll not be letting go until we land at victory’s shore.

Over the weekend, the luxury pad section consisted of that arsehole Danni Minogue ruining the lovely Suzie‘s chances of another stab at fame (despite the fact that she’s one degree of separation away from being properly famous herself).

Suzie was once in The 411 – a fact which everyone seems to have forgotten about. I’m sure I haven’t made them up. Doesn’t matter anyway – a blonde Ricky Gervais lookalike took her place. There’ll be no votes for him from the red-blooded males who took Suzie to their hearts.

Nice to see Danni for a bit, mind you – considering she’s usually almost completely edited out to make way for (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole’s footage.

Speaking of the devil, we also saw (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole mucking about somewhere hot, floating around in a white dress and sitting on white sheets as she destroyed the dreams of people more talented than her.

And we also watched Simon Cowell (that arsehole) kicking out Alan Turner. He had to kick Turner out, because he’s a cheat – though the show went to great lengths to cover its arse on this – with Cowell asking him straight and repeatedly saying ‘I believe you’ when he heard the response. That was before he booted him out, presumably because he didn’t believe him.

There were no other real surprises apart from (that arsehole) Louis Walsh kicking out some nice young Motown singing children. They couldn’t get their act together, but they were the only performers with any real charm… He’s lumbered with the groups. The groups never win. So it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Let’s look at the movers and shakers in the four sets of final threes. Does that make sense?

Boys – mentored by (that arsehole) Simon Cowell

Scott Bruton
That brute Scott Bruton got through despite being a Pontins no-hoper. The former bluecoat has sorted his hair out (which in X Factor world means shaving it) but is still not much cop at singing. In fact, he’s not much to look at neither (I’m reliably informed). Let’s move on.

Austin Drage
Austin has a name that wouldn’t look out of place in a Dickens novel or a seventies sitcom and for that reason alone, I like the boy. Cowell reckons he reeks of desperation, but when he says this he overlooks the fact that every single person that auditions is a desperate wannabe, so it’s a moot point. Come on Austin. WWM is behind you – unless you win. Then we’ll hate you. Our underdogs must remain lowly canines and never rise to winner status. Underachieve or be scorned.

Eoghan Quigg
Another weird name on this one. Any ideas how we’re meant to pronounce this? I’ve forgotten how they referred to him on screen. I think they just whistled at him and he came running, like a little blonde terrier. 15 years old with the voice of an emasculated Ian Paisley, he’s going to be a Mum’s favourite whilst simultaneously having all of Ireland on his side. Could win it.

Girls – mentored by (that arsehole) Cheryl Cole

Alexandra Burke
Alexandra tried out for the X factor a few years ago and failed at the luxury villa section – but not this time! This time, when told she’d made it to the humiliation of the Live Finals, she wept like a woman who’d lost her favourite pair of shoes in a fire that had wiped out her family. For a pretty girl, she don’t half weep ugly.

Diana Vickers
With one of those faces that screams ‘I’m really annoying!’ and a haircut to match, Diana isn’t bothered by fame – she ‘just wants to be up on stage doing something she loves’. Which makes the fact that she’s never gigged a bit baffling. Her reaction to Cheryl’s good news was cringeworthy. Faux-sincerity and teeth-grinding cheeriness abounded. They refer to her as ‘little hippy’ when she’s clearly a Nazi beneath all those flowing clothes.

Laura White
She’s a northern Amy Winehouse minus the drug-dependency, pale and interesting looks and vinegar-soaked vocal stylings. So, essentially, she’s a bit of a non-entity with Amy Winehouse’s hairstyle.

Over 25s – mentored by (that arsehole) Danni Minogue

Daniel Evans
This blonde Ricky Gervais smiler was chosen ahead of Suzie – so minus points from the off.

Rachel Hylton
Rachel’s representing the street, yeah? At 26, she’s got five kids and custody over two of them. One of them is 13. Do the mathematics. Hard not to like Rachel. She’s been to prison, been addicted to drugs and still found time to pop out more kids than she knows what to do with. You have to admire a background as chaotic as that simply because it is completely insane.

Ruth Lorenzo
Hola senorita! Our taste of Spain – Ruth Lorenzo – is a beguiling mess of unwashed hair, loads of eyeliner and denim that is far too tight. She sometimes sings in Spanish! She got a big bottom! She actually cries whilst crooning! Marvellous.

Groups – mentored by (that arsehole) Louis Walsh

Bad Lashes
What kind of name is that? I’ll tell you what kind of name it is – a rubbish one that makes you think of really craply applied mascara. These girls were clearly assembled before the auditions from adverts in local newspapers or an airfix model kit. They’re so obviously a corporate creation that they’re barely worth talking about – but it’s worth watching how they hold themselves. They’re permanently posing like shop window mannequins. At first this is amusing, but then it’s downright terrifying.

Girlband
And the prize for the least inventive name goes to… what were they called again?
Girlband all have the look of people you’ve seen somewhere before. Isn’t that Charlotte Church… but a bit younger? I’m sure I’ve seen her before. Former page 3? Married a footballer… come on – you know the one. Was Miss GB for a bit. No? Wasn’t that one in Hollyoaks? I’m sure I’ve seen her in Club International… etc..etc…

JLS
With a name that makes them sound like an airline rather than a boyband, I can’t remember anything at all about these chaps. Sorry.

So there you go!

Gear yourself up for long autumn weeks spent with these hopefuls as they sing for your votes, Saturday after Saturday after Saturday. Keep your eye out for a ‘LOUIS WALKS’ headline and your ears pricked for rumours of a phone-rigging scandal.

A miserable, drizzly October starts right here as we head for the absolute fucking nightmare of winter with those X Factor bastards’ overstressed syllables warbling in our ears, like aggressive, sponsored tinnitus.

Get dialling.

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84 Responses to “The X Factor (again)”

  1. Nick T Says:

    Number one show in the UK, the sunday night one is. The saturday night one is number six.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Did you read the article before replying?
    I don’t believe you did. (Even if you did, I don’t believe you did – yes?)

  3. badgermadge Says:

    Wierdly, this is the first year that I’ve missed almost all of it (except some of the auditions). Don’t give a toss no more. Not since Leona. Last year’s result was ridiculous and ever since then I’ve decided I’m not bothered. It’s all bloody rigged anyway.

  4. Kremble Says:

    Two words.

    Steve

    Brookstein.

    The list of has beens goes on and on and on.

    Michelle

    Marsh.

    Ithangew!

  5. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    Alan Turner? I wondered why I hadn’t seen him in Emmerdale for some time.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I made that gag last week Edna and nobody got it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s watched the ‘dale.

  7. Nick T Says:

    Ok, I didn’t read it. I was just leaving when I saw it. I had just looked at the viewing figures in my Broadcast and had remarked upon it. The article, is it any good. I’ll just get my coffee and read it. Do you read my arrticles?

    Perhaps?
    Once?
    Did you?
    Yes?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    MORNING.

  9. ugeine Says:

    Nick’s articles skip genres. His words are a river.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve managed to miss all of the X Factor this year; even the shit singers bit at the start. The thing is, I can’t think what I’ve been watching instead. It certainly isn’t Strictly Come Dancing, because that’s Come Dancing and I’d never watch that shit. It can’t be BBC2 because they’ve not shown anything worth watching on a Saturday night since … well, ever. Ditto Channel Four. I only watch Five on weekday mornings as I’m not interested in elephant children or Indonesian fisherman with massive testicles, and I don’t watch any of those other channels below the first screen of my tv guide ever. So what the fuck have I been watching?

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Some of that last paragraph’s a lie. I watch UKTV History and all those Hitler channels. Forgot about them.

  12. Nick T Says:

    I’m a fucking idol mate!

    I doo like the article, it has nice words well spelt like “barnacle”.

    I don’t get why Danni is an arehole yet it is nice to see her, I could write volumes on Xfactor and I may well do.
    I only like the early stages, it’s a bit like watching “You’ve Been Framed”
    After that it’s as predictable as sof porn…

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Why is Danniiiiiiii an arsehole? I know why Cheryl’s an arsehole (attacking toilet attendants, racism, being in Girls Aloud, etc.), but why Dannniiiiii?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Because she’s an X Factor judge who does that earnest, faux-sincere bullshit like the rest of ’em… alright?

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    Napoleon – maybe (like me) you’ve been galavanting and HAVING A SOCIAL LIFE???

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Badger – is that a dig? You think yourself superior because you’re pissed four nights of the week?

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    Hell yeah!

    *sees SH’s list*

    I mean no. No. Not at all my captain. *salutes*

    I’m shocked at how no one’s mentioned that show with celebs and holes in walls yet. What’s it called? I saw some clips of the Japanese version on YT and it’s feckin hilarious!

    I’m not watching XF not because of getting pissed, but because I’m snuggled up, watching DVDs instead with Mr T. *sigh* *in love* *bliss* *happy*

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Just you wait till he starts farting in front of you. It’ll happen. Give it time.

    I haven’t seen that Tetris show yet. It looks ridiculous.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – A social life? Me? Ho ho! Apart from a pub quiz I attend on a Monday night, I have no social life. That’s why I can’t fathom what the hell it is I’ve been watching on Saturday nights. I’ve been in, so what have I watched instead?

    In other news, ITV have produced another series of A Touch of Frost. How old’s David Jason now? Older, I think, than the retirement age for a British policeman. The stupid bastards.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    If only the people who run that dirty naked celebrity site would cater to those of us who like a more mature lady …

  21. Swineshead Says:

    D’you know, I think your idea of mature might be a bit too mature…

  22. Badger Madge Says:

    Nap: It’s because he wins awards. Every. Bloody. Year.
    SH: Sometimes he does. But we’ve got an unspoken rule to try not to do that, like ever. I’m going to anyway. Somethings are best kept to the bathroom (or an open window). I’m sure that’s what ultimately lead to Mr Badger’s downfall. Constantly farting and pooing in front of each other.

  23. Dave Says:

    David Jason will die within the next five years. Let him play Frost. What’s it to you?
    He’s no Morse though. He died.

  24. Clarry Says:

    Hi everyone – sorry had to dash yesterday, so didn’t get to see the amazing pictures of you all until this morning. I had no idea I was mixing with such gorgeous beings. Those of you who haven’t bothered, please post images of your face post haste. Thanks awfully.

    I’d forgotten about the celebrity hole in the wall programme (what’s it called again, Human Tetris?). It was a bit rubbish, but quite amusing for the first 5 minutes what with the celebs in deeply unflattering silver catsuits. I can’t believe that someone pitched that idea to the BBC and they said yes. It’s a bit flimsy. Of those ridiculous Japanese progs (Takeshi’s Castle etc), I like Ninja Warrior best.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Grim prediction there, Dave. That’s Del Boy you’re killing off there. Del Boy.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    How old is he then? Can someone find out David Jason’s age?
    Or is it a trade secret?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    He’s 68. That makes him past retirement age.

  28. Badger Madge Says:

    It’s er… called Hole in the Wall…

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got a great big throbbing inbox full of spam and junk. It’s going to take me AGES to clean it out.

    Ho ho! See what I’ve suggested there?

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Er… no?

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Bum sex.

  32. indy Says:

    Scott Bruton – Austin Drage – Eoghan Quigg

    names straight out of harry potter if you ask me… scott bruton is the evil one who bullies harry in the “real world”. austin drage is a mysterious new pupil who turns up in “harry potter and the dragon’s nest”. eoauieghan quigg is a hogwarth’s student who is edited out of the mentioned book for being too much of an irish stereotype.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Oh right. I thought it meant you needed a big poo.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose it could mean needing a poo. take your pick. You can either be filthy, or … erm … filthier? Anyway, I was referring to a bum being all filled up by something.

    I don’t need to explain m’self to you.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon I’ve killed this one stone-dead with all that botty talk.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    I’m surprised actually – I don’t know readers were so easily offended. Do more botty talk and see if we get complaints.

  37. Dave Says:

    Is Bob Monkhouse dead?

  38. Swineshead Says:

    He died ages ago, Dave.

  39. Dave Says:

    But I saw him on a cancer advert last Crimbo – large as life!

  40. Clarry Says:

    Did anyone watch the Piers Morgan prog with Mickey Rourke last night? His face is getting a bit better, isn’t it?

  41. Clarry Says:

    Dave – are you joking?

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Ho ho ho! When you’re done with the wilful miscomprehension of not-for-profit advertising, we can talk. Alright, Dave?

    Give us an insight into what you get up to of an evening, Dave, with a description of last night’s fun.

  43. Clarry Says:

    Oh…

  44. Dave Says:

    Looking forward to the new Aranovsky film!

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – Mickey Rourke? Was he on that Dark Side of Fame nonsense?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll wager he tugged one of to one of the robots in his precious Battlestar Galactica. Careful, Dave – that box set’s a special limited platinum collector’s gold DVD edition. You wouldn’t want to get it covered in all spunks.

  47. Dave Says:

    Are you suggesting I don;t have a life SH? I have a life.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    Requiem for a Dream was shit… (I thought)

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Not seen that. Is there a bit where the hero has to do kung-fu and then an explosion and then the villain’s head gets sawed off by a big laser?

  50. Clarry Says:

    SH – Yes, that’s right. It was quite interesting akcherlee. Initially he wasn’t giving much away and had his sun spex on. Then he warmed to Piers a bit and opened up. Although all the bits Piers didn’t dare ask him about were dealt with by interviews with his coach and NC’s fave Eric Roberts.

    The poor bastard.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t stand Eric Roberts.

  52. Dave Says:

    I did nothing last night because it was a bastard Monday. Okay? The night before I went to the In The City (got into a secret NME event with proper bands in it) fest to end a weekend more interesting than smoking salvia like a sixteen-year-old kid. What.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    I went to a pub quiz last night, and ended up in an uncomfortable conversation with a homophobic racist with a combover. By God, he doesn’t like Julian Clary, I can tell you that for a fact.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    You’re being very defensive Dave.

    I haven’t offended you once today.

    Salvia’s worth investigating – it made my legs go funny.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    NC – did you win?

  56. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve offended him. Still, I reckon I can live with that.

    *wonders if Dave’s the sort of character who ends up on the news being carted off in a body-bag after carrying out a hideous, lonely-man killing spree*

  57. Clarry Says:

    *thinks NC might be right*

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – No. We came second. That was embarrassing, actually. The pub was full of students, and they usually know fuck all about anything pre-1989. You know the sort – they think Louis Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and that the Soviet Union is a recently invented concept for t-shirt and manbag design.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    Che Guevara looks good on a T Shirt. Wasn’t he a friend of Bob Marley’s?

    I’m still reeling from Dave’s unecessarily biting attack on me. I think it’s clear we have WWM’s very own Barry George on our hands.

    Hide the Freddie Mercury outfit!

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t been arsed to pay my rent for two months. I’m off to the estate agent’s soon to get shouted at by some Burton’s-suited wideboy with a huge knot in his tie. I bet he’s got loads of that hair gel stuff in his hair, and does loads of that thinking out of the box business these ‘executives’ indulge in nowadays. I’ll floor him by saying I’ve spent two months shitting highly-infectious blood out of a sphincter that now resembles the spout of a spent balloon.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    I think Che Guevara was a character in Evita, wasn’t he? Looked a bit like David Essex and Antonio Banderas, and sang about circuses and stuff. By all accounts, he was a lovely man … ‘specially when he did them big eyes at Shrek and the talking donkey!

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Robert Lindsay? Are we talking about Robert Lindsay? I don’t think he was in Shrek.

    Planning on paying your rent, or doing a moonlight flit*?

    *lincolnshire term for pissing off out of one empty village in order to live in another*

  63. Napoleon Says:

    I’m paying it, sadly. Gone are the days when I could run up huge debts, then run away and hide on a canal boat for three years. I paid my gas, my electricity, my council tax and my Virgin bill yesterday – all in cash, and extremely reluctantly. My younger self would have been ashamed that I hadn’t wasted all that money on drink and easy living instead. It’s shit getting old, SHIT.

    Robert Lindsay wasn’t in Shrek? So who was the fella supplying the uncannily realistic Scotch accent?

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Mine comes out of my account the second pay goes in. Leaving me with none pounds.

    I think it must’ve been Robbie Coltrane as there are none more Scotch than the big fat shit-eater.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    I keep meaning to set up a standing-order, but I’ve never got round to it. Instead, I trudge halfway across the city to hand over a wadge of twenties to a bunch of slick-haired scumbags once a month. It’s a chore I can’t abide, and hence the not paying the rent for two months.

    (If anyone is in Sheffield at the minute, you might like to look out for me. I’ll be carrying a large sum of money about my person, and if you fancy mugging me, I suggest you remember I have a broken rib on my left flank.)

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Right! I can delay the inevitable no longer. See you all later, you bummers.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    *whistles to self*

    *kicks dust*

  68. Dave Says:

    LISTEN. RIGHT. And this goes for Clarys too! I’m a normal, healthy fun-loving young man that HAPPENED to spend last night watching Battlestar. It means in no way I get excited with playing around with lady’s guts in a lonely bedsit- in my pants.

    I smoked salvia when I was a kid.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    You are like an ugly Barry George.

  70. Dave Says:

    a) I’m handsome, thank you.
    b) Who is Barry George? Did he read Catcher in the Rye and set fire to his face?

  71. Swineshead Says:

    a.) No, you’re not.
    b.) There’s this thing called ‘google’…

  72. Dave Says:

    a) Beauty is relative. I have an unconventional beauty that’d not be out of place in a Victorian freakshow. And people paid for that. Would somebody pay to see you?

    b) You ice cold bitch.

  73. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Even geeks think people who watch Battlestar are geeks. You’re the geeks geek.

  74. Dave Says:

    It has her from Last of the Mohicans in it. She was niminated for an Oscar.

  75. Clarry Says:

    Dave – Did you mean me (Clarry) up there? Everyone gets me and Clarys (now Wenchy, I think) mixed up.

  76. Dave Says:

    *walks back into comments section dressed as mother*

    Oh yeah. Sorry about that.

    *Shoves winkle inbetween legs and howls at the sky*

  77. Clarry Says:

    Apology accepted.

    *calls police*

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Madeline Stowe? Off of Twelve Monkeys? I used to quite fancy her in her younger days. Career’s obviously spiralled down the toilet if she ends up in a pile o’ shite like Battlestar Galactica.

    Has it still got Dirk Benedict in it? And him off of Bonanza?

  79. Nick T Says:

    What ever happened to Ros?

  80. gbb Says:

    Don’t forget, last year’s “winner” is releasing his “effort” after a “year in the recording studio” this October aswell…joy of joys…

  81. rachel hylton Says:

    rachel hylton to win all the way. she deserves to

    http://rachelhylton.wordpress.com

  82. Swineshead Says:

    You would say that – you’re rachel hylton.

  83. lovelydisco Says:

    I love Simon Cowell. Puh-lease don’t call him an asshole as he’s the only one who knows what he’s talking about.

    Eoghan is adorable but even if he does have all of Ireland behind him, that won’t help him win as THE REPUBLIC CAN’T VOTE.

    Austin is a sap. I have never seen a 22-year-old man cry so much in my life.

    Diana is great. She’s so different from the usual pop tarts they get on this show.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Cowell is an ‘arsehole’. I never said ‘asshole.

    Ugo Eighoghoan is Northern Irish. His Northern Irish pals will vote for him.

    Austin is a hero for our times. Unless he wins.

    Diana is an ‘arsehole’. Her version of With Or Without You was dreadful.

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