Jamie’s Ministry Of Food


As with his School Dinners campaign, Oliver’s attempting to change the eating habits of those who are just too working class to work out how an oven works.

He’s already befriended that old ogre who forced burgers on her children through the school fence in School Dinners, but having discovered that she’s not really cut out for TV, he’s got back up in the form of a young Mum who gave kebab meat to her children every night (with a side plate of fries with Kraft cheese slices) before meeting JO in episode one. She’s onside primarily to give the show a ‘heart’ which is a televisual bit of jargon meaning ‘time to fade in Snow Patrol really clumsily’.

So they swear (a fuck of a lot), they cook meat (with the odd vegetable here and there) and a lot of northern folk say ‘Ee that’s right tasty, that – wi’out a doubt’. All this whilst Jamie Oliver allows lots of unflattering shots of himself to be broadcast, aware that this will make him seem even more ‘man of the people’ than he was before.

Though he has a point and even though the problem is reaching morbidly obese proportions, you can’t help but find this campaign short sighted. School Dinners worked (or is beginning to work) because it was about changing the way a small niche of the food industry operated and forcing the government to change the routine.

With this ‘Pass It On’ idea, however, Jamie’s floating in la la land. As the Teaching Assistant who dropped out of his class said, time is a huge issue for most people. But it’s not only that. Good produce is almost impossible to find. Vegetables have been frozen en route to supermarkets and most meat has been intensively reared, with labelling disguising all the underhand processes that go on. Add this to general, wilful ignorance, stubborn stupidity and the fact that a lot of people aren’t that keen on Jamie Oliver and the mountain seems infinitely unassailable.

Are our eating habits so bad that it requires TV chefs to assuage the problem with campaigns like these? Or is it just another format – something new to excite viewers who are tiring of the usual kitchen based food programming?

First School Dinners, then the chicken/organic Hugh Fearnely Whatsit stuff and now this… are we being scared into a hypochondriac state by foodie fascism, or have they got a point?

Anyone fancy a chicken kiev?

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365 Responses to “Jamie’s Ministry Of Food”

  1. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I think that the so called “obesity problem” is a media (and specifically jamie Oliver’s) invention. I don’t see many obese people around. In fact, I don’t see any obese people around. And I see people virtually every day! Sometimes in their dozens.
    I didn’t watch the programme (this big-tongued goon really gets on my nerves), so it was informative to read the review.
    I watched that posh bloke’s cookery programme on BBC2. What Not To Eat Now or whatever. He is kinda endearing, although a bit of a dick at the same time.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    The man from What To Eat Now looks too much like Tommy Cooper for me to take him seriously.

  3. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Like a younger, lither Tommy Cooper, come to think of it, yeah. And he doesn’t need to be taken seriously, I don’t think. But he cooks good stuff with cream, butter and lard, shhots his own rabbits and pigeons and says “Yum!” a lot. I really warmed up to him.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Does he cook it like this? Or like that?

  5. Toothed Varmint Says:

    He would benefit from wearing a fez, actually. But then again – everyone of us would benefit from wearing a fez. Fezs (?) are fetching. Although personally I prefer Uzbekistani skullcaps.
    Speaking of Jamie Oliver, if we must – is he knighted yet?

  6. Nick T Says:

    There are plenty of fat people where I live, truckloads.

    It’s easy to mock the Oliver and write him off as he does’t talk posh ala Chef Cooper. It’s easy to knock the working classes too and put the whole thing down to too many pies. Just because someone is working class does not make them stupid, fat and ignorant.

    I do believe that Oliver believes in his cause otherwise why bother?

    He could just sell his books, perhaps do a Ramsey and abuse hapless caterers but he he doesn’t. He still runs a scheme for young nere do wells, where he emplys them and trains them, doesn’t get much publicity anymore.
    What harm is he doing? Well none. Is he doing any good? It’s debatable, but challenging the quality of what people eat and perhaps just perhaps changing the way some people abuse their bodies could be a good thing.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    No idea. I think I’ll turn down a knighthood when they get round to an attempt to bestow me with one.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t mocked him at all Nick. I haven’t written him off either.

    You’re commenting without reading the article again. I only asked a few questions and didn’t make any conclusion.

    So many assumptions in that comment, it would help if you read what I actually said.

  9. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I wasn’t just being facetious when I said that I didn’t see many fat people around. I really don’t. I live in a normal town in the South-East and I really haven’t come across all that many really fat, let alone obese people. Strange that.

  10. Do I not like that! Says:

    Didn’t see it. Link does not work. Whilst i think to advocate healthy eating is a good thing,a program such as this does seem a bit patronising.

  11. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oi, I don’t dislike Oliver because he is not posh. Don’t bring class war into it. He irritates me on some sort of subconscious level. I don’t trust anything he says.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I do think it’s worth mentioning the screamingly obvious point that Oliver continues to front Sainsburys, who are a huge part of the problem. So any accusation of hypocrisy is fairly levelled, if you ask me.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    ‘not posh’?

    He comes from a pretty wealthy family, didn’t his parents own a pub? His class hasn’t got anything to do with anything. The fact he’s rich beyond most people’s wildest dreams might be a consideration, but his class / accent is irrelevant.

  14. Do I not like that! Says:

    Women tend to like him (goodness knows why..), blokes tend to think he’s a bit of a twit.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Personally I think he’s alright – the copybook blot caused by his baffling love of Toploader has almost been scrubbed by time. He’s not Gordon Ramsay, and that in itself is a relief.

  16. Dave Says:

    You say he doesn’t want to change the country in his new show. Well, teh Minstry of Food is called so after some WWII food rationing/education thingy. He want the government to set up a walk-in shop where parents can take quick classes on how to boil eggs.

    Was that not explained int he show? Didn’t watch it. I hate the sod.

    What to Eat Now, on the other hand, is great fun.

  17. ugeine Says:

    It’s all a bunch of balls. The reason why we’ve adopted this fast food culture isn’t because children don’t get taught to cook in school, or because proles are too busy stuffing their faces with turkey twizzlers to listen to some bloody tv show. We’ve adopted it because of vast structural changes to our society in the last fifty years. The increase of women in the work place means the families traditional ‘cook’ doesn’t do that duty any more. The rise of the fast food industry showed that there is a market for food that is quick, easy and uniform, and supermarkets followed suit.

    Jamie knows this, which is why ‘Ministry of Food’ is a television programme and not a pressure group or something similar. If he really cared passionately about healthy eating he wouldn’t be the face of one of our major supermarkets. It’s less about healthy eating and more about snobbery.

    Thanks to Jamie (who’s recipe for Cabronara is crap compared to Rick Steins) I can no longer find Turkey Twizzlers anywhere in Northampton. I bloody loved them things. Conversely, I used to eat them 5 days a week at school and I’m not a wobbling blob.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I only saw episode 2 and that wasn’t made clear, Dave… it seemed to be more about the Pass It On idea, so that’s what I addressed.

    Blimey, it’s a but tasty in here today….

  19. Do I not like that! Says:

    ugeine makes some good points. Let’s not forget that food is an industry as is TV.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with Ugeine on this – you should have written the review, young man.

  21. ugeine Says:


  22. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve never met anyone who likes Jamie Oliver. I like being contrary and I would like to like him just to be different, but I simply can’t.

    Too many “likes” in the above sentence.

  23. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Come to think of it, I don’t have any favourite TV chefs. Just different degrees of irritation and dislike. At the top end of my loathing scale are Delia, Ramsay and Oliver; Rhodes, Nigella and James Martin are somewhere in the middle and Hairy Bikers somewhere near the bottom, i.e. most likable. Although they can be a pair of right gurning dicks. I used to like one of the fat ladies a lot, the one that died. She had class.

  24. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes I tend to agree with the Varmint as well, however they are all very high on my irritation list except for Keith Floyd. Hugh F-W is bearable too and that nice Chinese girl.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Living a stone’s throw from Rotherham, I can confirm there’s a hell of a lot of fat bastards living on fuck all but takeaways. The mothers moan that they haven’t the time to cook their kids a decent meal at night but, like certain mothers of my acquaintance, this turns out to be a bag of shite. They have the time to watch endless hours of television, but not half an hour to spare to cook up something that doesn’t resemble dog cock shavings. They feed their kids this shit seven nights a week, then blame absolutely everyone else but themselves when their kids are waddling about on arthritic legs by the age of four. This isn’t a class issue, no, it’s a lazy, ignorant, fuckwit issue. If this Oliver fella can knock some sense into the fuckers, fair enough. However, having spent enough time in Rotherham to realise the town is full of shit-eating bingo addicts living on burgers, I highly doubt it.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, NC – wilful ignorance and stubborn stupidity I called it. It’s a right shithole, Rotherham.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    It is. And the argument that women work nowadays (so they haven’t the time to cook) is bullshit. Work? In Rotherham? Ho ho!

  28. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve never been to Rotherham. It’s scary oop North…

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I’d also add I must be missing something here. I don’t mind Jamie Oliver – is this because I don’t watch his telly shows and feel I

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey (I presume you’re Mikey, DINLT) – don’t get me started on that lovely Ching-He Huang.

    She could grease my wok any time…
    Wash my bean sprout…
    Marinade my spare rib… etc… etc….

    *runs out of door*

  31. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yes, I like that nice Chinese girl too. But I don’t like Chinese food, that’s a bummer.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t mind Jamie Oliver – is this because I don’t watch his telly shows and feel I have no right to criticize his Britpop musical choice crimes considering I own a Best Of America album?

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, NC. Those are the reasons. Toploader weren’t Britpop, mind you – more cod-soul in the mould of Pimply Red-head Hucknall.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – It’s not scary up north (we don’t say ‘ooop’, not anywhere, not even Lancashire). If you want scary, give Colchester a go on a Friday night when the paras come out to play.

  35. Who Says:

    Oooh, Best of America. Does it have Muskrat Love on it?

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t know Toploader wasn’t Britpop. Sounded ‘poppy’ to me, that cheesy 70s song they covered, and they’re British. My mistake.

    Anyway, I don’t mind the lad. I must say, his new recipes at Sainsbury’s don’t look especially appetizing.

  37. indy Says:

    “Ministry Of Food” is orwellian, isn’t it? whereas ministry of peace dealt with war jamie’s ministry of food seems to be less about food and more about…
    1) repairing his own reputation (he’s been a bit too close to blair which, just like the choice between brown and cameron, seems to smear on him and makes the downright horrible ramsey appear likeable) and…
    2) promoting bad music (toploader and snow patrol).

  38. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Duly noted. Mind you, I heard a bloke say “poob” for “pub”, but that was in Wales. I am still learning my British accents.
    I don’t know about Colchester, but I know a shithole – try Littlehampton. That’s a really depressing place by the mucky sea.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Of course. That’s another cover, by the way. I hate America.

  40. Toothed Varmint Says:

    NOTHING can make Ramsay likeble, I’d say. NOT ANYTHING.

  41. ugeine Says:

    ‘It is. And the argument that women work nowadays (so they haven’t the time to cook) is bullshit.’

    That would be a silly argument, and different from mine.

    Only chef I like is Rick Stein. This might sound like a radical departure, but his telivsion programmes tend to be about food. Rather then food and politics, food and swearing, food and interviews, food and gameshow type knockout rounds, food and businesss…

  42. Dave Says:

    The AWT has gone quiet. Is he dying?

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Britpop was all about singing in a British accent – not the transatlantic squeal that Sideshow Bob fellow yelped in.

    Where’re you from then Varmint? Originally I mean.

  44. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes it’s me…
    I have never been to Rotherham, but in the last a couple of years have met a new friend from there who is an avid supporter of the football club.
    (I have an open invitation to attend a match anytime).
    My friend has a young family and I have no reason to believe that they have the kind of diet that is suggested. Indeed pinpointing a particular town for this “crusade” does not sit happily with me. The problem (if we accept there is one) is far deeper seated than some sort of recipe chain letter.

  45. Who Says:

    I love America but not as much as REO Speedwagon, Chicago, 10cc and Dr Hook.

    I can feel an idea for an internet board game coming on…

  46. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >Where’re you from then Varmint? Originally I mean.
    Rostov-on-Don, South Russia.
    No-one knows anything about the place over here, cos it’s not Moscow. I just say “Russia” usually, without the details.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Isn’t Stein the national villain of Cornwall nowadays? I don’t think they’d share your love for Stein, not in Cornwall. Anyway, the only decent cook on the telly was Rusty Lee. And that’s only because of that laugh that used to wake you up like nothing else of a morning before they invented The Big Breakfast.

  48. Do I not like that! Says:

    Britpop wa a commercial creation that didn’t mean anything except for those people who fell for the Cool Britannia tag which was a load of bollox as well.

  49. Dave Says:

    I am a complete fuckwit.

  50. Toothed Varmint Says:

    “Was Dr Hook a real doctor? Was he a practicing GP?”
    Alan Partridge, I think.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I Like Don’t That Etc – Apparently he chose Rotherham because that’s where that grotesque woman who was pushing chips through school railings came from.

  52. indy Says:

    for me britpop was all about looking androgyneous in a council estate (“animal nitrate”, “stay together” and “metal mickey” or “babies”, “do you remember the first time” and “lipgloss”). well, i got better.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Who’s choice of music is appalling, by the way. I bet you like ELO, Bread, Neil Young, Neil Diamond, The Carpenters, The Eagles and John Denver too. Go on, admit it!

  54. ugeine Says:

    NP: I’m not sure. What did he do?

  55. Napoleon Says:

    What did who do?

  56. indy Says:

    ..and “forced nostalgia” (you meet an old soldier and talk ’bout the past – he fought for us in two world wars…” etc Sunday Sunday, blur)

  57. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Someone told me once that I looked like John Denver. I never spoke to her again.

  58. Do I not like that! Says:

    Neil Young is fantastic.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    John Denver looked like the Milkybar Kid. If you look like the Milkybar Kid, Varmint, then you do indeed look like John Denver.

  60. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Blur, Oasis, Echobelly, Sleeper, Elastica, Suede, Gene, Mansun – is that Britpop? Meh.
    Pulp was OK, though.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Neil Young gets on my bloody nerves. The man could never make up his fucking mind what musical genre he was comfortable with. A pain in the arse.

    I should have added James Taylor to that list.

  62. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Come to think of it, I do look like the Milkibar Kid. Or “a Milkibar Kid” – there were about 70 of them, I think. I done my research.
    Like a bald Milkibar Kid, natch.

  63. Toothed Varmint Says:

    And Jackson Browne!

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Britpop was a term used to group bands together (some of whom didn’t fit the remit)… it was used for convenience, and I can’t really see a problem with that. I think a few people got out the wrong side of bed this morning.

    Dave, however, gets out of the sinister side of bed every morning. If he even sleeps in a bed – I suspect he sleeps on a grubby mattress surrounded by semen-stained copies of the official X Files magazine, the tit.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t Britpop all the music they used to play during the highlight sections of Euro ’96? If so, you have to add The Lightning Seeds to Varmint’s list of rubbish. The Lightning Seeds were fucking everywhere – ‘specially when it came to football.

  66. Nick T Says:

    I did read the article first, honest. I know you didn’t write him off, I was being a little broad and I appologise if it looked like I was blaming you.
    Did spark a fair bit of debate about the subject though eh?

    The guitar solo in Goodbye to Love by The Carpenters is sublime.

    Jellied eels anyone?

  67. ugeine Says:

    NP: Rick Stein. Did he piss on a pasty?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Jackson Browne’s a do-gooder. You can’t like Jackson Browne and condemn Jamie Oliver.

  69. Do I not like that! Says:

    “The man could never make up his fucking mind what musical genre he was comfortable with”.

    I am not sure that is the correct way to look at it. He has his acoustic sets and his electric sets. With Crazy Horse you have one of the tightest, Bass/2 guitars/Drums bands there is, in my opinion anyway and some really, really cracking tracks.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    He was a pain in the arse. AND he was in Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – one of the worst bands in the entire history of popular music. For that crime alone, I cannot forgive him.

    Ugeine – He’s apparently bought up loads of property in Padstow – or somewhere like Padstow – and turned them into fancy restaurants that attract arseholes from London and are too expensive for the locals to eat in them. Plus, Cornish people are deluded into thinking their county is a seperate entity from Great Britain, and Stein and his ilk are insidious foreign invaders. That’s what happens when you spend two hundred generations getting married to your own sister/mother/brother/livestock.

  71. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jackson Browne is a way better singer than Oliver, though.

  72. Dave Says:

    LISTEN, PERRY. As a Classic Rock boy you have a professional duty to enjoy Neil Young. Was he not featured as a God, no less, a couple of months back?


  73. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Rick Stein put Padstow on the map! I’d never heard of Padstow before his programmes. Now I know where it is. Can’t say I feel spiritually richer for it, as a matter of fact.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    Weird thing is Dave, you can work on a magazine, blog, TV show, radio show… in fact ANY form of media, and not agree with parts of their editorial. Strange but true.

  75. Dave Says:

    SH – The economy’s on its knees thanks to people with that attitude. Young 4EVA!

  76. indy Says:

    britpop had it’s downsides (menswear, kula shaker and all the other one’s who had once gone from the good mixer to an after party at coxon’s place or shared a cab with mackey) BUT the alternative was far worse: alice in chains, soundgarden, bush (!!!), pearl jam and the very overrated nirvana.

  77. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t like Neil Young’s voice. Simple as that. Great musitian but sounds like a constipated weasel. Pity, that.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t have to agree with everything they say, Dave – it don’t work like that. For a start, they never seem to have a bad word to say about Yes. I find that ridiculous because, with the possible exception of Asia, Yes are the most preposterous band in the history of rock. And if I had to tow the party line, I’d be out on my ear because I’m not overly fond of Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden or AC/DC neither.

  79. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >BUT the alternative was far worse: alice in chains, soundgarden, bush (!!!), pearl jam and the very overrated nirvana.

    There were also The Orb, Orbital and Aphex Twin (to name but 3) if you fancied something different. Oh, and Prodigy.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – What about Cabbage Garden, Shirley Crowe, Ocean ‘Fucking’ Colour Scene, and The Shitehouse Family? Beraing that lot in mind, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam seem not so bad after all …

  81. Dave Says:

    ‘I like ACDC and ZZTOP, The Beastie Boys and The King of Rock’

    – Kid Rock aka American Badass aka Redneck cunt.

  82. Toothed Varmint Says:

    My best friend and roommate at Uni was a massive Yes fan, so I heard all their albums and hate them ever since. Unbearable, intolerable, pretencious dirge. Horrible. Although I still of the opinion that most preposterous band was and remains to be ELP.
    Led Zeppelin rules, however.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know anything about Kid Rock other than his appalling rehash of Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves Of London, and that he was once banging Pamela Anderson.

  84. Do I not like that! Says:

    There does seem to be a 2 tier food culture in this country. The one Nap describes in Cornwall and can be seen in in every city in this country. Expensive “chic” restaurants and the “foodie” culture. Or the kebab and chips (btw what’s wrong with a kebab) culture. The shame is that we had a food culture of trad british food that has got swept under the carpet to some extent. I have even heard silly statements like “cooking is like the new rock and roll.”
    Countries that have a good food culture have recipes that rely on fresh local ingredients and restaurants that everybody goes to, and are part of the fabric of society. They are not expensive and pretensious . In this country they rely on snobbishness and making as much profit as possible.

    Pearl Jam are quite good.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    Led Zeppelin rules what? The corporate comeback trail? Rules the ears of massive Led Zep fans such as Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell? They tossed out their credibility when they lied and said that obtaining tickets to their comeback gig was a lottery open to everyone; then come the night, the place is packed with celebrities, hangers-on and journos. Fuck them, frankly.

    And ELP were preposterous, yes, but a lot of their output was rehashed classical music, which can be pompous but hardly ever preposterous. Yes’s music was all their own, and all of it was overblown piffle of the highest order. I win.


  86. Napoleon Says:

    I Not Don’t That Like It – Yes, other countries have that restaurant culture, but we never did. Until the foreigners showed up and taught us about garlic, British restaurants sold stodge covered in gravy, fish ‘n’ chips, and spotted dick for pudding. Most of the restaurants we have now have bugger all to do with homegrown food, as most of it wasn’t fit to feed a dog in the old days. I’m old enough to remember when a tin of Heinz Ravioli was seen as authentic Italian cuisine.

  87. Nick T Says:

    I’m old enough to remember Vesta curries….and the war…probably…

  88. Napoleon Says:

    I used to like Vesta curries. Then I had a real curry and things were never quite the same between Vesta and me again. I also remember every bloody house you visited for tea served up that fucking Smash stuff.

  89. Dave Says:

    Last night I had two toasted crumpets topped with cream cheese, drizzled in my own little fried tomato and honey thingy and two lovely sausages.

    Amazing, it was.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    What a cruel thing to do to a crumpet.

  91. Do I not like that! Says:

    It wasn’t that bad. Always had Italian and Indian restaurants which offered good value, fish and chip restaurants and good old Pie and Mash shops. There is one in the Portobello road, I enjoy that place.
    Stews and Hotpots, and don’t forget our nickname “Rosbifs” and some cracking puddings which foreign visitors do enjoy. We do have a food culture that in some ways is overlooked.

  92. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – that’s lunch or breakfast. What did you have for DINNER?

  93. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t wish to dampen everyone’s fire before the main event, but I’m going to anyway …

    A thick slab of hicken and ham pie from the butcher’s, a big mug of tea, and a slice of treacle tart from the baker’s. That’s what I’m having for my lunch.

    *awaits award*

  94. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They were great way before their comeback. In fact, they didn’t even need a comeback per se, because theiк popularity never waned. As for their latest millionaires’ concert – that’s deplorable, I’ll give you that. As for their fans – that’s no kind of argument, they are not responsible for those who likes their music. Anyway, Moss and Campbell and shit don’t like LZ music, they are just bandwagon whores. It’s like saying Wagner is a dick coz Hitler liked him. Wagner is a dick, naturally, but for entirely different reasons.
    As for EPP, thу fact that they pompously and unnecessarily rehashed already quite pomous classical music makes them preposterous in the extreme.

    Touche, I think.

  95. Dave Says:

    That was my TEA! It was amazing.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Chicken – that should have read chicken.

  97. ugeine Says:

    TV: The reason that the majority of ‘British’ cooking has been swept under the carpet is that we’re a rain soaked isle and before 1996 we ate just about anything that would grow out of the ground. What does it tell you about a culture whose national dish is Haggis? Some other bastard always got the better parts of the sheep.

  98. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Vesta curries, tinned ravioli, spotted dick… Ah, British childhood. I really missed on something special.
    I had beetroot soup and pigs feet in aspic!

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Led Zep are rubbish. And that Robert Plant’s a small nutsack.

  100. piqued Says:

    ..but you wrote ‘hicken’ so how could you mean ‘chicken?’

    I don’t understand

  101. ugeine Says:

    Led Zep: The godfathers of heavy metal. Brilliant as well. Stairway to Heaven goes on a bit, but for that track there’s at least 6 ‘good times bad times’ ‘black dog’ ‘dazed and confused’ ‘cashmir’ etcetcetc.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – carry on like that and you’ll get gut rot, bloat up and then die.

  103. Dave Says:

    SH – WTF? Is that a fact? Well, for my lunch today I have a cream cheese and chive sarnie with tomatoes, an apple, mini cheddars and a taxi bar. That should reverse any ill effects.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – You are, of course, wrong. I think we’ll leave it at that. With me in teh right, like. Yes? Good.

    Do I Like That It – We had Indian restaurants selling cat meat Tikka Masala and Italian restaurants serving flabby dishes soaked in bechemel sauce washed down with cheap chianti. Homegrown restaurants were even shitter, taking their lead from the woeful menus of wartime ‘British Restaurants’. In most towns and cities back then, you had the choice of greasy fish ‘n’ chips cooked incorrectly, either a shitty Indian or a shitty Italian, or an on-its-arse Brit restaurant where you could get a wholesome plate of gristle followed buy something made from suet. This supposed golden age of yours is a myth – even London restaurants of the time had a global reputation for being universally awful.

  105. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I will stubbornly cling to my notion that LZ are demigods of music.
    Try growing up listening to Soviet pop, Russian classical music and songs about how brilliant Communism is, and then get access to LZ. It blows you away. I have an entirely different perspective, y’see.

  106. Do I not like that! Says:

    Our weather is not really that different from the rest of Northern Europe. If you live on the atlantic coast or west of britain then you will have a rainy climate. It makes the land fertile though.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I don’t need to take advice on my English from you. You don’t even know how apostrophes work. Or, as you would no doubt write, ‘apostrophe’s’.

    Ugeine – What about that stupid Jamaica song, or the one that bangs on forever about Lord of the Rings stuff? Rubbish!

  108. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >Varmint – You are, of course, wrong. I think we’ll leave it at that. With me in teh right, like. Yes? Good.
    That’s called picking on a new guy. It’s tantamount to bullying. I feel bullied and trodden upon, indeed spat upon. I intend to sue!

  109. ugeine Says:

    TV: If I had to put up with that in my childhood, I’d be on my knees felating Fred Durst right now.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    “Our weather is not really that different from the rest of Northern Europe”

    Learn some geography. We’re on the same latitude as Canada and Norway, yet don’t have their horrendous weather thanks to the gulf stream. Without that, we’d have the same weather as … well, Norway and Canada.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    I say ‘the same as Norway’ when, in fact, I mean ‘not quite the same as Norway’. Glad I’ve cleared that up for you.

  112. piqued Says:

    But ‘Hicken’ NC?

    I can’t even find the word. Is it meat from Texas?

  113. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I think that fellating Fred Durst is a bit much even for the severely musically deprived. Sincerely – I’d rather listen to “Oh How Brave Are Our Illustrious Leaders” five times in a row, than one minute of his limp shite.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – I’m not bullying you. I’m merely pointing out I’m right and you’re wrong. Led Zep aren’t half as good as everyone says they are. Don’t get me wrong; they don’t plumb the same depths as the utterly shit Deep Purple, but they’re certainly not as magnificent as they’re made out to be.

  115. indy Says:

    napoleon “Indy – What about Cabbage Garden, Shirley Crowe, Ocean ‘Fucking’ Colour Scene, and The Shitehouse Family? Beraing that lot in mind, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam seem not so bad after all ”

    appart from, some shoehorning in ocs, any of these acts can hardly count as britpop. but in all their blandness they are still not at all as horrible as the faux-rage sold by aic and pj. i’d rather find myself listening to gabri-f*cking-elle than anything by arch-arsehole e vedder.

  116. piqued Says:

    I have to down tools and agree with NC and SH on this, they bore me to tears

  117. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes maybe I am looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. I do not remember however an appaling standard of food. Indeed when I first visited the US I was amazed at how bland the food was there. Apart from one or two amazing pizzas and good “chinatown food” it was all pretty dull. (A lot of it though). What I am trying to say though is , that local areas should have a local speciality that they are proud of and try to make to the best of their ability. This is what happens in Southern Europe.

    Re : Latitude. Perhaps I am being South East ethnocentric and was referring to Northern France, Belgium (always pisses down in Brussels), The Netherlands and Northern Germany.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I didn’t mean ‘hicken’. It was a mistake, see? The same sort of mistake you make when you write things such as:

    “IC and I, went to get some sensational food from a delightful; little restaurant I first went to in the 90’s. I had a wonderful pizza with chip’s, and, as she is not familiar with the region, where Kebab-O-Rama originate’s, I pulled up the horns bull’s, and ordered her a large doner with chip’s;.”

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Anyway, I thought you were on your holidays? Or ‘holiday’s’, as you would say.

  120. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I didn’t really think you were bullying me, Napoleon, I am just partial to some whining, I guess. No, you’re right about Deep Purple, of course. But LZ? Not half as as good as everyone says they are? Without discussing tastes, objectively – who was better? In heavy rock? At that time? I really don’t see anyone even on the same level. The Who? Black Sabbath? Uriah fucking Heep? I tentatively rest my case.

  121. Dave Says:

    Black Sabbath were better that Led Zeppelin.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Who was better than Led Zeppelin? Why, Manowar, of course!

    (There may be a level of jocularity in the above sentence.)

  123. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jamie Oliver always says that he likes Italian food. But I’ve been to Italy and had a pizza in Rome. It was thin, burnt to buggery and, frankly, horrible. So I’m sceptical about all that Italian malarkey. I like a steak pie though. And fish-n-chip’s.

  124. piqued Says:

    I don’t recal writing that? You made that up you! Oh you!

    But you did write ‘Hicken’ and I am agreeing with you about Led Zep?

  125. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I remember Manowar. Man, I’m so old…

  126. piqued Says:

    TV. You rest your case with Black Sabbath?

    You berk, Sabbath are infinitely better than Led fucking Zeppelin and carry far more clout in terms of influence, they invented a genre!

    As for your comment about pizza being ‘thin’. Yes, real pizza is.

  127. Do I not like that! Says:

    BTW mention of piqued and his spelling, he should be commended for perfect use of the word “panini” in his blog of last week. A commendation to Nap too for his good old fashioned lunch.

  128. ugeine Says:

    ‘Don’t get me wrong; they don’t plumb the same depths as the utterly shit Deep Purple, but they’re certainly not as magnificent as they’re made out to be.’

    You might as well have slapped me around the face with your penis.

    Black Sabbath > Led Zep

    But Manowar are killer. ‘they shall know the power of thy sword!!!!!!’


  129. Napoleon Says:

    I concur on the thin pizza base front. I can’t abide those American monstrosities that consist of a loaf of bread with a thin layer of tomato suace from a tin and a gargantuan amount of fake mozarella plonked on top. I had a Dominoes once, bit into it, and the whole fucking red hot mess slid off the doorstep base and burnt my chin. Never eating one o’ them buggers again.

    And, though iot pains me to agree with him twice, Sabbath were better than Led Zeppelin.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Do I Not Like It – I do a good line in old-fashioned lunches.

    And yes, I know I wrote ‘iot’ in my last comment. It’s this typing fast with sausage fingers business …

  131. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They may have invented it, but LZ perfected it. To me Sabbath is a joke. I really can’t take Ozzy seriously and his voice is aural toothache. So you’re the berk, aha! What’s a berk, anyhow? It sounds cute.
    As for pizza – I know that real pizza is thin. I ate it. But I didn’t like it.

  132. Dave Says:

    I make my own pizzas with a slice of bread, tinned tuna, ketchup and thick slices of Tesco cheddar.

    Can’t beat it.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That sounds fantastic! Fantastic if you’re the sort of character who eats his dinner on his own in a damp, rented room, sitting on a bed that’s had forty years of sex ground into it, that is.

  134. Do I not like that! Says:

    Dave what you have there is an open sandwich, grilled presumably. It is not a pizza.

  135. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ooh, I don’t like thick pizza, real pizza is thin, blah-blah. You and your hoity-toity European tastes. Am I being the only real Brit here? The one who likes pies, fish suppers and thick pizzas?
    It’s sad, I say – it’s sad.

  136. indy Says:

    toad: “Jamie Oliver always says that he likes Italian food. But I’ve been to Italy and had a pizza in Rome. It was thin, burnt to buggery and, frankly, horrible.”

    *that* is real pizza! not the cheese-filled crust and cheap stuff-pie you get from your local “ginos driveby pizza”.

    i’ve also want to point out that i’ve seen manowar live at the german earthshaker festival. they did a hilarious wagner tribute.

  137. Dave Says:

    NC – Exactly.

    DINLT – I don’t grill it. What am I? A Yank? I shove it in the oven until all the moistures been drained and you’re left with a charred brick. Just add more ketchup and salad cream.

  138. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Toad? Toad??

  139. indy Says:

    toothed: sorry.

  140. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Toad is one of the ugliest amphibians! Just because I like a slightly thicker crust… you people…

    *cries and splatters*

  141. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing British about liking doorstep American-style pizza, Varmint. The clue’s in the word ‘American’, you rootin’-tootin’ Yankee TRAITOR.

  142. Do I not like that! Says:

    Pizza is a flat bread hence a true pizza is thin.

  143. ugeine Says:

    Led Zeppelin are crap as their crusts are like loaves of bread but real men should listen to Black Sabbath who burn people’s chin.

    Trying to keep up with the blog and work at the same time is making me dizzy.

  144. indy Says:

    mr toad? is that better?

  145. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am OK now. It’s nice to have a good cry once in a while.

  146. Swineshead Says:

    *eats four cheese pizza*

    *wonders whether he can fit the TWO bags of beef monster munch in his belly on top of pizza*

  147. Swineshead Says:

    Sabbath are way better than Zep. What’s the score now?

  148. Do I not like that! Says:

    Pizza is a flat bread therefore a true pizza should be thin.

  149. piqued Says:

    TM, Zep didn’t ‘perfect’ it!

    Both bands were formed at the same time for a start, one invented Heavy Metal the other were a run-of-the-mill pop group

    As for Ozzy’s voice, you’re so wrong, so very, very wrong

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Those new Monster Munch are rubbish. They say on the packet they’ve gone back to the way Monster Munch was in the old days, but there’s still only one shape, and they haven’t got the original Space Raiders-style texture. A sham!

  151. Toothed Varmint Says:

    The Yanks know from pizza, I can tell ‘ya. Big fuck-off slabs of it, 2 for a buck in a joint on 17th and Q in DC. With peperami, monterey jack cheese, jalapenos and what-not. Ah, happy days…
    You know nothing. Nothing!

  152. Swineshead Says:

    They’re better than nowt, NC.


  153. ugeine Says:

    Stop slagging off the Zep! They were to metal what Iggy Pop was to punk.

    And the next person who claims heavy metal was invented by Sabbath gets a slap. I have about 7 – 8 artists on my hardrive that prove otherwise.

  154. Napoleon Says:

    He’s a joke now, is Ozzy. But you can’t retrofit his current behaviour and call him a joke back then, because he wasn’t.

    I have ENORMOUS balls.

  155. Toothed Varmint Says:

    LZ run of the mill?? Your mill must be wery high indeed, my friend. Rispek.

  156. Swineshead Says:

    These Monster Munch, apart from the monoshape aspect, are bloody great. The Black Sabbath of the crisp world.

    Led Zep are shit by the way.

  157. indy Says:

    zep or sabbath. this discussion reminds me of the homeless bloke who wanders round soho asking people if they prefer deniro to pacino. let’s just say that they are both descent bands in a stagnant genre.

  158. Do I not like that! Says:

    A proper american/italian pizzeria the kind the mafia would frequent, serves up a fine pizza.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Better than nowt, yes, but not as good as they were. Why lie and say they’ve turned back the clock when all they’ve done is make the pack bigger and reintroduce roast beef flavour? That’s not returning ’em to how they were, that’s keeping ’em basically the same, but with a wee bit of fiddling.

    Believe me, this whole Monster Munch thing OUTRAGES me. I even wrote Walkers a letter about it last week.

  160. Dave Says:


  161. ugeine Says:

    Isn’t Pizza and American Invention? Orginal Ray’s in New York? All 80 of them?

    Or is that burgers?

  162. Napoleon Says:

    I’m annoyed now. I’m off for a SHIT so I can read Exchange & Mart and calm m’self down.

  163. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ugeine has a point. Isn’t pizza originaly from America? A-ha!

  164. Dave Says:

    Idiots. At the height of the Persian Empire, it is said that the soldiers of Darius the Great (521-486 B.C.), accustomed to lengthy marches, baked a kind of bread flat upon their shields and then covered it with cheese and dates.

  165. Do I not like that! Says:

    NO……….Pizza is a flat bread of European origin. the first pizza was made in Naples.

  166. ugeine Says:

    Nice Wikipeading Dave.

    I was thinking of Burgers. I think. There’s about a million Original Ray’s in new York and they all claimed to have invented something.

  167. Do I not like that! Says:

    Dave is right in the entymology of the flat bread. But the pizza we know originated in Naples.

  168. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I like this blog because it’s very educational, apart from everything else.

  169. Do I not like that! Says:

    NO …the hamburger originated in Hamburg.

  170. piqued Says:

    For fucks sake, of course pizza isn’t from America you twats

    Secondly U, Iggy Pop isn’t to punk what Zep is to metal. Punk came from CBGB from a variety of quarters, MC5, Ramones but the most highly regarded source would’ve been New York Dolls.

  171. Dave Says:

    I copied and pasted from Yahoo! questions thingy. I don’t trust Wiki as a source for pasting pizza facts.

  172. indy Says:

    taken from my cooking class book (my translation):

    “pizza is the cousin of our sandwich. It is a thin bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese” followed by recipe of quattro stagione, margarita and, omfg!, hawaii. i don’t think yóur average tuscanian (sic?) person would agree with that the hawaii-pizza is a proper italian one.

  173. Do I not like that! Says:

    The frankfurter in frankfurt. America is an immigrant country and the food is all from the immigrants. Pizza’s, Hamburgers, Frankfurters all from Europe.

  174. ugeine Says:

    I’m not saying Iggy invented Punk, Piqued. That’s entirely my point; Led Zep didn’t invent Heavy Metal (neither did Sabbath for that matter). But they both influenced the respective genres.

  175. ugeine Says:

    ‘hamburger originated in Hamburg.’

    No it bloody didn’t! A thin steak called the hamburg steak originated in hamburg, the burger was invented in the US.

    Thanks to haston bloomingdude.

  176. Napoleon Says:

    Naples Marinara pizzas are a bit boring, I find. I like the pizzas with that prostituttio ham stuff on it. Meat’s definitely a must when it comes to pizzas in my book.

    I can neither spell nor pronounce that prostiocuttio word.

  177. Toothed Varmint Says:

    And a “Berliner” is a donut, apparently. If Izzard is to be believed.

  178. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t trust German food.

  179. Do I not like that! Says:

    Actually tell me what America has invented? Anything?

  180. indy Says:

    prostituttio ham – trafficed meat?

  181. piqued Says:

    U, you’re wrong

    In addition to the sound the style of Sabbath cast the mould for the genre, Zep were singing about Misty fucking Mountains and Sabbath were dressed in Black penning songs about Satan, Evil and Wizards.

  182. Swineshead Says:

    The atom bomb

  183. Swineshead Says:

    Actually, I’m not sure that’s true.

    Where does Chicken Kiev come from, is it American?

  184. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >I can neither spell nor pronounce that prostiocuttio word.

    I know how to spell it in Russian. Ветчина Прошиутто. I think.

  185. Do I not like that! Says:

    No..they got a german in to do it.

  186. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – did you actaully read Ugeine’s response to you?
    Doesn’t look like you did.

  187. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Chicken Kiev is from the Ukraine, I think. Either that or from a restaurant in Moscow called “Kiev”. From them places, anyway.

  188. Napoleon Says:

    I looked at a site just now that has photos of American inventions. The cheeky bastards claim to have invented the fucking computer!

  189. piqued Says:

    I did yes. I read it and read it again.

    I don’t agree, I put the invention of Heavy Metal squarely at the feet of Sabbath, I’m sticking to my guns.

    *sticks guns on penis*

  190. Napoleon Says:

    So you have no truck with the argument that The Beatles invented heavy metal? I must say I’ve always had my doubts …

  191. piqued Says:

    No NC, The Fab Four invented haircuts and ‘oooooooooooooh’

  192. Do I not like that! Says:

    Some Americans are under the impression that the Rolling Stones are from America.

  193. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Actually, I remember. In Russian Chicken Kiev is called something like “Pozharsky cutlets”, because of the first chef or something. And he was from Kiev. Or worked in a restaurant with such a name.

  194. Swineshead Says:

    Helter Skelter is metallish.

    Genres aren’t really invented though, are they? They just come about.

  195. Napoleon Says:

    Very clever. However, there’s been a theory rolling round for years that with Helter Skelter and Revolution, they were the true forerunners of the genre. When you consider how influential they were, I can see the point of the argument. Still never been able to make my mind up about the theory, mind, as I actually couldn’t give a tuppeny fuck who invented heavy metal.

  196. Napoleon Says:

    I think Chicken Kievs have something to do with a certain Norfolk turkey farmer whose quick actions and rigorous safety standards saved this country from an outbreak of avian flu. Bernard something or other …

  197. piqued Says:

    It’s not just the ‘sound’ thing, it’s the style/image etc.,

  198. Swineshead Says:

    Nobody invented heavy metal, in the same way nobody invented any genre. It’s a daft idea.

  199. Napoleon Says:

    Yeah, but the style/image of Black Sabbath (beards, long hair, crappy clothes) was not dissimilar to the style of The Beatles (beards, long hair, crappy clothes) at the time. It all just strikes me as:


  200. piqued Says:

    I invented Piquedadabeatada right there


  201. Napoleon Says:

    Wins what? The nonsensical word game? Well done, Piqued. Do you need a trophy?

  202. Napoleon Says:

    I must say, on a different subject, that I hope Shakira’s three remaining cubs are alright. It was a close shave the little buggers had yesterday with them big Cheetahs.

  203. Swineshead Says:

    I love Piquedadabeatada, as it happens…

    *dances to the latest Piquedadabeatada sounds*

  204. ugeine Says:

    ‘Nobody invented heavy metal, in the same way nobody invented any genre. It’s a daft idea.’

    wot ‘e sed.

  205. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know what Piquedadabeatada is. Is it something to do with taking the bull by the horns when one’s dining companion is unfamiliar with the region the food on the menu in front of her comes from? If so, I’ve not done that yet.

  206. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Despite myself, I watched “Mail Order Brides with Dawn Porter” till the end and found it hugely objectionable, but quite compelling. She is a minger, though. Especially compared to the Ukranian mail order brides.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    Can’t be doing with that woman. I tried watching something she did about free love, and had to switch it off because she was in it.

  208. Napoleon Says:

    Anyone see ‘Sunshine’? That was a barrel of fucking laughs.

  209. ugeine Says:

    There’s an exclusive article on Piquedadabeatada in next weeks NME, NP. Look out for it. Lost Prophets have already said their new album will be more Piquedadabeatada based.

  210. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, so it’s music, is it? If it’s modern I won’t listen to it. As a public transport user, I listen to enough modern music courtesy of teenagers, thanks very much.

    There should be no earthly reason why a fuddy-duddy in his thirties should have ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’ rolling around in his head. Thanks to the kids, there is. The bastards.

  211. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I saw “Sunshine” ’cause of Coogan. It was heart-wrenching. Fuckers. I wanted something along the Royle family lines and got “Kathy Come Home” instead.
    Dawn Porter is just a very bad journalist, presenter, whatever. And her nose in concave.

  212. Who Says:

    “Who’s choice of music is appalling, by the way. I bet you like ELO, Bread, Neil Young, Neil Diamond, The Carpenters, The Eagles and John Denver too. Go on, admit it!”

    Yes to all, except John Denver. Further examples for your repulsion are Journey, Christopher Cross, The Doobie Brothers, Wings, Steve Miller Band and Supertramp. The Tramp rocks/rules/is awesome.

    *awaits ban*

  213. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I love Wings! It’s the band the Beatles could have been.
    And Supertramp. Funny you should say it. I’ve been listening to “Crime of the Century” only the other day.

  214. Napoleon Says:

    Journey? Wings? SUPERTRAMP?

    Christ almighty! Do you like ANYTHING good?

  215. ugeine Says:

    jus a city boy

    bom bom bom

    born and raised in south detriot

    he took the midnight train going aaaaaneeeeeewheeeeeeere

  216. Swineshead Says:

    You won’t get banned for that, Who. Don’t forget I’ve put forward my passion for Carly Simon many a time.

    Yes – I know what you were thinking… you were thinking me mentioning Carly was ‘Coming Around Again’!

    He he!

  217. ugeine Says:

    Just a small town girl

    livin in a loooooooooooonley world

    she took the midnight train goin aaaaanneeeeeewheeeeere

  218. Napoleon Says:

    That must be the 100th anniversary of Swineshead’s ‘Coming Around Again’ joke. Shouldn’t we put up some banners and flags and things? Maybe bring out a special, limited-edition, once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity collector’s plate, so Dave can join in the celebrations?

  219. ugeine Says:

    Some will win

    some will lose

    some were born to PLAAAAAAY THE BLUES

    *guitar solos*

  220. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Typing out lyrics is winning you a lot of friends on here. You carry on there.

  221. Swineshead Says:

    I know nothing stays the same
    But if yer willing to play the game
    I will be coming around (Swineshead’s house) again…

    *ring ring*

    Hello? Ah – Carly! I was just talking about you! What’s that? Your next album is going to be heavily Piquedadabeatada influenced? Blimey! And you hate Napoleon, yes, we ascertained that months ago. Ok. Me too. Yes. I’ll see you later round your luxury condo. Cheers.

  222. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, did you know Journey invented Heavy Metal? And Pizza.

  223. Dave Says:

    I have never collected anything in my life.

  224. Toothed Varmint Says:

    So who is going to be coming around again? And where? Carly to your pad or you to Carly’s luxury condo? There’s a lot of coming around again going on. It very confusing.

  225. Napoleon Says:

    *fucking Carly*

    “What’s that, Carly? Swineshead’s been ringing up Carly Simon impersonators again, has he?”

    *empties load over Carly’s tits*

    “And what was that? You hate him? Understandable.”

    *waits a bit*

    “Right! I’m ready for another session, Carly. Just you wait … soon I’ll be ‘Coming Around Again’.”

  226. Who Says:

    Upon perusing my vast CD collection, grown men have run screaming from my hovel, never to be seen again. Why is that?

  227. Napoleon Says:

    “I have never collected anything in my life.”

    … except every variation if Boba Fett figurine commercially available since 1980.

  228. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That’ll teach you to bring grown men to your hovel. Probably.

  229. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Because you listen to nothing but SHIT? I called it a day with a bird once over her music. I got back to her flat and she put on a Chicago album, if you fucking please.

  230. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I divorced my wife because of our differing musical tastes! Well, among other things.

  231. ugeine Says:

    I punched a six year old girl in the face for listening to Duffy.

    What a prick.

  232. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Definitely a prick. Listening to Duffy? Kids these days, eh? Pricks.

  233. Who Says:

    I expect you’ve regretted it ever since, NC. Though it depends which Chicago album it was, I suppose. Anything after 16 can be a bit hard to digest in one sitting, even for a lady with my robust constitution.

  234. Napoleon Says:

    It was the one with the monstrous ‘Hard To Say I’m Sorry’ on it. I HATE that fucking tune so much I was once paid money by my magazine to bang on about just how much I hate it. And no, I have no regrets. Thanks to the invention of Ritzy nightclub, finding a replacement to have sex with was as easy as two Bacardi Breezers and a bit of light persuasion.

  235. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s a lady! Who, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to be lewd earlier. That is to say, I did mean to be lewd, but not to a lady. But I didn’t know that you were. A lady. In any case, my apologies.

  236. Napoleon Says:

    We all know Who’s a lady because we’re not Johnny-Come-Latelys like you, Varmint. If only you’d been here last year when Who posted those lurid photos of herself …

  237. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Shit, I must have missed it… That SUCKS.
    I’ll be nice and maybe in time I will be allowed to see those lurid photos. Purely for curiousity’s sake, you understand.

  238. Napoleon Says:

    They were the DIRTIEST photos I’ve ever seen. Even the ones Piqued posted showing him pushing various things up his arse paled into comparison. What that woman can do with a Vileda Supermop has to be seen to be believed …

  239. Who Says:

    You can be as lewd as you like, Varmint. Don’t go getting any ideas about me being a proper lady though, all done up with all hair and lipstick and pretty frocks and that.

    Which photos? The ones of me at the Bella Emberg Lookalike Championships?

  240. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Well, what can I say. I sure missed something special. You old-timers have all the fun as always. I intend to catch up with you.

  241. Napoleon Says:

    My missus does herself with all hair and lipstick and pretty frocks and that. Does this mean she is an oppressed sister?

  242. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I like pretty frocks and that. That’s what makes a lady A LADY. Some say that a lady would stay a lady even if dressed in a spudsack, but I don’t think so. Lady in a spudsack is dirty and not in a good sense.

  243. Who Says:

    Yes, she is. You’ll be telling me she shaves her legs and cleans under her fingernails next, the poor moo.

    I’ve still got that mop BTW, I’ll take cash for it.

  244. Clarry Says:

    *removes cloak of invisibility*

    Busy in ‘ere today!

    TV – I’m a lady too, but you can do swears and stuff, I don’t mind.

  245. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ta, Clarry! Thank fuck for that. Although I don’t really swear, I just emphasize certain salient points.

  246. Napoleon Says:

    Who – She shaves a hell of a lot more than that, I can tell you. In fact, she doesn’t even shave, she uses a machine that wrenches her hair from its roots. For a laugh, and a bit hammered, I tried it on my arm once. Jesus Christ, that was a bad idea.

  247. Who Says:

    We could smell you Clarry – it’s all lovely. Lavender and cherry blossoms.

    Me, I smell of, hmmm, best keep that to myself.

  248. Who Says:

    Does she shave more than you? Bear in mind we saw a recent photograph of you, you handsome divil.

  249. Napoleon Says:

    I smell of drink after picking up and putting on a jumper I spilt half a glass of wine on on Sunday night.

  250. Clarry Says:

    TV – WWM is hardly the place for the easily offended – male or female.

    Who – Awww, shucks…

    *looks bashfully at the ground whilst kicking own feet*

  251. Napoleon Says:

    Of course she does. I only shave my face and neck … and even that I only do once in a blue moon when I can be arsed. She purges herself of hair as if the stuff’s a foreign invader that’s turned up on her body uninvited. And don’t get me started on how fucking long it takes her to get ready to go out …

    Women, eh?

  252. Dave Says:

    Me an Clarry are friends 🙂

  253. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I shaved my stomach once. I wasn’t even drunk.

  254. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Just bored.

  255. Napoleon Says:

    I shaved my head once. Showed up my giant ears and huge nose a treat, did that. I don’t reckon I’ll do it again until male pattern baldness forces me into it.

    That said, I’m not writing off a combover …

  256. Clarry Says:

    Dave – That restraining order is but a phone call away…

    I definitely think Dave should release his own cookbook though – I never knew there were so many uses for cream cheese, tomatoes and ketchup. When I used to work away all the time and lived in b&bs during the week, I thought about making my own recipe book entitled ‘kettle cuisine’. I got to be quite a dab hand at rustling up a hot meal with nothing more than a kettle, a mug and a teaspoon.

  257. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’d love to have a combover but I don’t have enough hair. If I did, I would definitely have one just like Bill Murray had in Kingpin. Magnificent.

  258. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a good combover film. The best ever made, perhaps.

    Dave also does amazing things with SPAM, Clarry. His site’s full of interesting recipe tips.

  259. Dave Says:

    Cream cheese and tomatoes are more versatile than a potato waffle. Plus I’d rather spend my money on seeing bands and drinking heavily.

  260. Who Says:

    I used to shave my stomach (started at the ankles and just kept going) but I gave up when I couldn’t reach over my enormous bust. Now I just do the tops of my ears if they get a big tangly, but only if I have a date.

  261. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That just goes to show how little you earn, not how clever you are with your frugal ways. Most of us can afford to get pissed, see bands AND eat decently, you call-centre DRONE.

  262. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You really spoil the guys you date, Who. It is commendable.

  263. Dave Says:

    NC – Fuck Off. I add things to the fucking cream cheese and tomatoes – like bread or sausages.

  264. Who Says:

    To be completely truthful with you TV – and I can say this to you as we’re becoming such good pals – my dance card has been looking a bit empty lately. Can’t think why.

  265. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – What was it last month? Ran out of money by the 20th, living on Lidl’s pasta for the rest of the month ’til payday? Amazing what opportunities a degree opens up for you nowadays, eh? You hapless, underpaid WORM.

  266. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That’s just a temporary setback, I’m sure, Who. Actually, truth be told, there may be a brilliant joke there, but I just don’t know what a dance card is, so it’s lost on me. I know almost all of the English words, but some combinations still remain elusive. I’m working on it.

  267. Dave Says:

    NC – Again, fuck off!!!!!!!! One day there won’t be a need for illustrators because machines will do it better. It’s not that hard compared to booking health and safety tests anyway. And when that day comes I’ll piss all over the newsagents, all over it.
    Besides, you by your own admission say you go to the odd pub quiz and Frankie & Bennies.

    Best get yourself down the Early Learning Centre that jumbo orange Crayola’s going a bit blunt.


  268. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Apparently, Lidl is the new Waitrose. Aldi is the new M&S. Netto is the new Lidl.

  269. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – A dance card is something from the olden days before MTV, Ronald Reagan and the Star Wars missile defence system moderned the world the fuck up. It was how young people in the 1930s had sex before they invented penises and vaginas and what-have-you.

  270. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thank you, Napoleon. That’s how I learn.

  271. Toothed Varmint Says:

    3 pm, shit, I’ve missed my lunch! shitshitshit

  272. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – If that day comes (and, believe me, I hope it does for my wrist’s sake), I’ll just go out and invent myself another career completely from scratch, like I did this one … oh! Hang on!

    *checks commissions, notes recent one from the USA, no less*

    The writing’s picking up! P’raps I’ll turn to that next? Eh, Dave? Eh?

    Dave? DAVE?

    Oh, must have been caught by his ‘supervisor’ looking at the internet instead of slavishly answering phones for £5.73 an hour …

  273. Clarry Says:

    You’ll be relieved to know Dave that I only went and passed my health and safety test….

  274. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Without wanting to offend, but a MONKEY can pass one of those.

  275. Dave Says:

    NC – You moron. I think it’s safe to assume that if robots become our betters in the comic strip field they’ll have a firm grasp of writing as well. Then you’ll be crying on every callcentres door.

    All I want to do, Perry, is try and fins a little happiness in my life. That’s all I want.

  276. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You think computers will eradicate writing from the earth? Cheers for the heads up! With my MASSES of leisure time, I can get one step ahead of the game and learn how to program these super-duper computers of which you speak. By the time they’ve taken over the arts, I’ll be sitting pretty on a pile of gold thanks to cannily getting in at the ground floor back in ‘The Writing Era’. Again, cheers!

  277. Clarry Says:

    NC – None taken! However, a few weeks ago I took one and much to my horror I actually failed the bastard. Mercifully I was given a second go and passed. Huzzah!

  278. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Again, no offence but that means you’re not as clever as a MONKEY. A monkey would have passed that test first time.

  279. ugeine Says:

    If robots become our betters, we’d probably spend too much time trying to get the cable out of the back of our heads then reading or enjoying illustrations.

  280. Dave Says:

    I’m thinking that by then they’ll learn how to program themselves but what the WILL need is a friendly customer service represent at the end of the phone incase they can’t get ther screensaver to work. When our robotic overlords gain power they’ll consider the job below them.

    They could use you as a cute accessory, I suppose. A human headset to shout at other humans tied to various robots ears when they can’t be arsed speaking. That’s your future. And you deserve it for being a cocky, vicious crayoner.

  281. Clarry Says:

    I KNOW!!!

    I was trying to cheer Dave up… Although I am clever on paper, I am obviously a dib when it comes to common sense.

  282. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – To be honest, me and my partner (that’s a real live woman, not the blow-up version with Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s face sellotaped to its head that you’re used to) already have enough savings and investments in the sort of stock that NEVER goes down (amen to weapons manufacturers and tobacco companies, say I), we could comfortably retire to a fancy-ass tax haven tomorrow if we wished. By the time your nightmare scenario arrives, I will already have been in a position for many years to simply give it all up and spend the rest of my days doing nothing. You, on the other hand, will be slaving away working for the robots for the rest of your pointless life.

  283. Nick T Says:

    I think the word is “div?”

  284. Dave Says:

    Because we all know the robots will give a damn about you savings when the war begins. Pfft.

    You weapons stocks would go up in the months leading up to it though, you sly old bean.

  285. Swineshead Says:

    In Lincolnshire, it is ‘dib’.

    Last night on Jamie’s Ministry of Blah, I noticed the people of Rotherham say ‘owt’ which reminded me that Lincs folk say ‘oat’.

  286. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Oh, so now there’s going to be a war, is there? I like the way you’re changing the scenario everytime you comment. OK, then. I’d best start turning some of my weapons stock into actual weapons, hadn’t I? Might as well put up a fight when the machines come calling.

    Obviously, earning a massive £5.73 an hour, you haven’t a hope in hell of buying anything to defend y’self with. Can you destroy a robot with a pea-shooter? Or a Special Platinum Edition DVD box set of Stargate, with attached resin model of the Stargate signed by the sculptor and issued in a *strictly limited* run of only 999,999,999 individually numbered statuettes?

  287. Napoleon Says:

    Lincs folk also say ‘meeyat’ for ‘mate’. I’ve seen several dramas that depict Lincolnshire folk, and not once have I heard the accent done roight, meeyat.

  288. Dave Says:

    Obviously there’ll be a war before humanity’s enslaved. I thought you were bright. That’s what colouring in with felt-tip pens does to you….

  289. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Right’ is more, sort of: ‘rareyt’

    So it’s ‘Raireyt, meeyat. I said ooh, y’bastid’.

  290. ugeine Says:

    Is it a Devvo kind of accent?

  291. Napoleon Says:

    Not necessarily, Dave. If you’ve been on a bus recently, then you’ll have witnessed how people brainlessly stare into the screen of a mobile or an mp3 player instead of noticing a living, breathing world out there. With the mindless enthrallment folk already have towards silly little electronic boxes, you could conclude the human race is halfway to enslavement already.

  292. piqued Says:

    I also notice that they say ‘Hicken’ up there too

    But they don’t lika da Piquedadabeatada

  293. Napoleon Says:

    Forgive my phonetics skills, Swineshead. I’ve always had a bit of bother deciding how to write out the odd way your Lincolnshire type says ‘right’. It sounds funny, the way they say it.

  294. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – think Woody from This Is England or the Paddy C in Dead Man’s Shoes and you’re very close to a Lincs accent.

    Especially the bit where he goes YOU, Y’CUNT!

    Napoleon – that’s not enslavement as the boxes don’t think for themselves. We program them. It’s reliance. Besides, don’t encourage Dave with his puerile Terminator 2 fantasies. It’s only a film Dave!

  295. piqued Says:

    Someone mentioned that Mail Order Brides Show?

    It was fucking brilliant, very disturbing with a really unexpected twist. There were two guys on it that were clearly violent sex cases (bit of digging showed they had records) and as I have no preconceptions about the presenter I thought she was bloody great, at times reminding me of Louis T.


  296. Napoleon Says:

    Reliance / enslavement – chicken / hicken … it’s all eggs is eggs.

    I notice down south women are incapable of ordering food unless they’re fully versed in the region from which it originates. P’raps they should come up here and have a nice bit of hicken. Everyone loves hicken.

  297. Clarry Says:

    Thanks for the back up there SH – thought for a moment I was too stupid to even speak/type properly.

  298. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I said ‘no offence’ before I accused you of being stupider than a monkey. That means I am exempt from recriminations.

  299. piqued Says:

    When you say ‘down south women’ are you referring to fanny NC

    You animal

  300. Napoleon Says:

    No, I’m not referring to fanny. If you could read more than one sentence of any given comment, Piqued, you’d discover I was referring to those poor southern ladies who find themselves indisposed when at dinner by a lack of knowledge of the area the food they’re about to eat comes from. Thankfully, there’s usually some posh twerp with a wig and broken back on hand to jump in and grasp the bull by the horns and patronisingly order for them; thus saving the lady’s blushes, rescuing an incredibly delicate situation from the verge of catasrophe, and blasting the women’s movement back into the stone age where it belongs.

    Not that you’ll have read this far, but YOU are that twerp.

  301. piqued Says:

    I notice down south women are incapable of ordering food unless they’re fully versed in the region from which it originates. Thankfully, there’s usually some posh twerp with a wig and broken back on hand to jump in and grasp the bull by the horns and patronisingly order for them; thus saving the lady’s blushes

    All from NC is one paradoxical breath (which smells of poo btw. FACT)

  302. piqued Says:

    ‘All from NC IN one paradoxical breath’ of course

    I’ve got Ird Flu from Hicken

  303. Napoleon Says:

    No, that’s the start of one of my comments that you’ve crudely cut and pasted into a part of a different comment, Piqued. You’re not very good at this, are you?

  304. piqued Says:

    Yes, I know what I’ve done.

    You clearly don’t.

  305. Napoleon Says:

    Still … I suppose you deserve a biscuit and a pat on the head for trying. Do you know the region Bourbon biscuits come from? I wouldn’t want to cause an international incident by supplying you with a biscuit of whose geographical origins you’re not familiar with.

  306. Napoleon Says:

    “Yes, I know what I’ve done.

    You clearly don’t.”

    No, I don’t … because what you’ve done doesn’t appear to mean anything. Adding two of my sentences together proves .., erm, what exactly? How’s about you explain whatever devilish scheme this is to the rest of the class?

  307. piqued Says:

    *ignores bizarre biscuit comment*

    You alright?

    What you did was to make a comment about how women can’t order food then take the rise out of chap when he does it for her

  308. Napoleon Says:

    No, I didn’t. Again, READING helps, old son. I started the second part of that particular comment with, ‘I notice down south women …’ I didn’t start it with, ‘Down south women …’ At no stage did I say that it it was my suggestion that they’re incapable of such a Herculean task as ordering dinner. Like I say, try reading all of a comment next time, not selective bits ‘n’ bobs that suit your silly arguments.

    As for paradoxes, I suggest you go and look up what one is.

  309. piqued Says:

    ‘I notice down south women are incapable of ordering food’

    ‘At no stage did I say that it it was my suggestion that they’re incapable of such a Herculean task as ordering dinner’

    Yes you did for fucks sake, literally

  310. Swineshead Says:

    Oh god…

    P – when he said that he was taking the piss out of you ordering indian for your missus. It wasn’t to be taken literally.

    Can we be friendly?

  311. Napoleon Says:

    No, I didn’t, and you fucking know I didn’t. I said ‘I notice …’, as I’ve already explained. As I was OBVIOUSLY referring to the preposterous post you wrote about ordering fucking food for someone else when I wrote that comment, anyone reading it who’d first read your waffle would have picked up on what I was referring to, and that it was not my personal opinion on te matter. Anyone but a dullard such as you, of course!

    If you want to be puposefully thick about it, Piqued, then go ahead. I’m fucked if I’m banging my head against a brick wall because you’ve decided to pretend not to understand when someone else is being sarcastic about something you’ve previously written.

  312. Dave Says:

    Piqued – would you shave a kiwi fruit before placing it in your fruit bowl?

  313. piqued Says:

    I’d forgotten I wrote that, you pay far more attention to that shit than I do

  314. Swineshead Says:

    Dave, smelling blood, immediately jumps on the bandwagon I see…

  315. Napoleon Says:

    I pay far more attention …? Why are you bothering to write it? Isn’t that the bloody point? So people will pay attention to it? Am I missing something here?

  316. ugeine Says:

    Hey guys, at least we all have our health!

  317. piqued Says:

    ‘That shit’ meaning trivial aspects of an occurrence. It was a completely throw away comment, it was meaningless

    I’d also like to point out that you pick up on stuff when I am already being self- deprecating. As well you know I’m hardly some fucking man-about-town foodie.

  318. Dave Says:

    Jamie Oliver
    Jam Olive

  319. Napoleon Says:

    “I’m hardly some fucking man-about-town foodie.”

    *spits tea all over monitor screen*

  320. piqued Says:

    Piqued is a character based on myself, I’m not it -you know this

  321. Napoleon Says:

    I would also point out that you may have thought your comment was ‘meaningless’, but by publishing it for all to see, it took on a meaning all of its own.


  322. piqued Says:

    Oh fuck off and have some Hicken

  323. Napoleon Says:

    I know that’s not you. Nobody could be that much of a snob in real life – somebody would have killed them by now.

    No, in reality, you’re a spidery-armed, short-sighted harasser of hen parties who’s so bent over thanks to a self-inflicted broken back, you look to be attempting to suck your own cock in public.

  324. Nick T Says:

    So….Celebrity Big Brother with midgets…..

  325. Napoleon Says:

    *munches on hicken sandwich, adds a dash of alt and epper*

  326. Swineshead Says:

    LET’S be nice.


  327. Nick T Says:

    Someone is taking the p


    *goes home*

  328. ugeine Says:

    317 comments. Is that some kind of record?

  329. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – You on another of your ill-fated and short-lived ‘nice drives’ today? They never work, you big-nosed nincompoop.


  330. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I think we’ve had more. Have we had more?

  331. Nick T Says:

    No need to thank me.

    I got 3 comments on a blog once, red fucking letter day….

  332. Do I not like that! Says:

    I am still waiting for my first comment on my blog. Not even my girlfriend or any friends have bothered to comment.

  333. Napoleon Says:

    3? Dave dreams of the day he gets three. then he gets back to increasing the tensile strength of an unwashed sock he’s been wanking into since 1995. Unconfirmed reports suggest Dave’s wanking sock is now capable of cutting through diamonds.

  334. Dave Says:

    I’ve had a healthy 24 today! Albeit from two little scrappers chewing the fat over cinema prices.

  335. Dave Says:

    14* Let’s not be daft.

  336. Napoleon Says:

    24? Not likely! You’re fiddling the figures, Dave.

  337. Do I not like that! Says:

    None, not a sausage!!
    Come on you Arsenal, Spurs and Man U supporters.
    btw Did Clary ever tell us which team she supports?

  338. Swineshead Says:

    He’s a renowned fiddler. He’s logging in pretending to be girls – which also makes him a sock-stiffening pervert.

  339. Napoleon Says:

    The girl thing was disturbing.

  340. Dave Says:

    You’re the kind of pervert that likes to stiffen more than a Bykermice From Mars sock, and by ‘more’ I mean stranger’s grotes through a glory hole.

  341. Napoleon Says:

    Do I Like Not That Like It Not – I’ll comment on your site if you can explain Spurs’s new strategy for success to me. Because I’m fucked if I can work out what the bastards are playing at.

  342. Swineshead Says:

    Who is Dave? Me?
    Please remember there are many similarities between me and Uncle Joe. If you like the sound of hard labour in the internet gulag alongside Tombstone, feel free to elaborate.

  343. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – The arrows! The arrows of a devastating wit rain down upon me! I am mortally wounded by your mystifying mouse comment! And whatever ‘grotes’ means!

  344. Dave Says:

    The only arrow you like to fire is your own into a fireplace,

  345. Swineshead Says:

    Finishing a sentence with a comma, this is devastating stuff.

  346. Dave Says:

    And only being able to think of fire because you associated it with the firing of an arrow. That displays a very low level of intellygunce,

  347. Swineshead Says:



  348. Napoleon Says:

    I can barely stand this! Has Dave become possessed by the ghost of Dorothy Parker? Has he been taking lessons from Gore Vidal?

    Or – ye Gods! – has he been reading Disney’s ‘Pooh’s First Sarcasm Book’?


  349. Napoleon Says:

    *wearily clicks link*

    For fuck’s …

  350. Dave Says:

    Sarcasm? I thought it was innuendo or a euphanism, something like that.

    But you knew that OBVIOUSLY…. <<<sarcasm

  351. Do I not like that! Says:

    My first question is why do you support Spurs you Northern crayoner?
    They are in a mess though eh..?
    Players out of position and a manager who seems isolated, though I think the sale of Keane and Berbatov has affected them deeply. It’s early yet and two wins and a draw changes things quite dramatically. But they just do not seem hungry.

  352. Napoleon Says:

    Well I suppose you could say you were attempting an innuendo using a sarcastic tone of voice (not voice, obviously). To be honest, I suspect delving into the mechanics of this with you is going to bend my brain like a banana. I don’t want a banana-shaped brain.

  353. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t take any more. Dave’s outwitted me AGAIN.
    I’m literally giving in.


  354. Napoleon Says:

    Do I Not Etc – The oldest one in the book – my father supported them.

    As for more footy talk, we’d best not bother on here – gets the hackles up amongst the non-football interested readers (90% of the readership, at a guess). Really, what Swineshead should do is start some sort of football-related blog where we can all go and chat about this without putting everyone else off. It’s a mystery to me, frankly, that he hasn’t set up something like that before …

  355. Dave Says:

    SH – That’s sarcasm. At least somebody here knows what it means.

  356. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – if you want to take over a dead old blog I set up (and was paid for, bafflingly) then feel free – it’s over here.


  357. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – So you think that none of your feeble comments on this post are sarcastic in tone? OK, you carry on believing you know how sarcasm works, whilst I go read your blog and REALLY enjoy its interesting and informative articles on the hot topics of the day.

    You fucking dick.

  358. Dave Says:

    Don’t start getting all insecure just because my blog’s one of the hottest tickets in town. Salad King or some rant about ‘lightbulbs’. I’ve got it covered on every base.

  359. Napoleon Says:

    The hottest ticket in town? Your last post’s only garnered the amount of comments it has because I wrote most of ’em. And I wasn’t even talking to you! Hottest ticket in town, my arse. Now Wagonwheel’s been killed, the only people who read your blog are that fool Tombstone and me. And I certainly don’t read your posts – I scan ’em for something to bring you up on. You unpopular, flabby little man.

  360. Dave Says:

    I don’t want to live anymore.

  361. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll not stand in your way if you want to follow that through to its logical conclusion, Dave.

  362. Dave Says:


  363. Napoleon Says:


  364. Do I not like that! Says:

    I have read Dave’s blog. I think it is quite good.

  365. Clarry Says:

    Q: btw Did Clary ever tell us which team she supports?

    A: Liverpool.

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