NewsGush: Emmerdale Hit By Credit Crunch

by

Due to financial shortages, Emmerdale is the latest soap to enforce cutbacks in the form of AXING background staff.

There are genuine concerns on the back of the job losses that viewers who have grown used to the gritty, rustic realism of the series will now notice a shortfall in the amount of people pretending to sip fake pints of beer at the back of The Woolpack.

Television watchdogs are preparing for floods of calls via their specialist helplines from ITV-viewers who may have become disturbed by the lack of non-speaking characters tutting under their breath when an argument kicks off in the street.

Experts say the potential devastation that may be caused by the absence of unusually silent characters finishing their transaction in Viv’s post office at the very beginning of a scene, who then walk out before anyone says anything, is impossible to calculate.

Rumours that Eastenders is about to suffer the same fate, placing WWM favourite, stall-holder Winston Smith in the firing line, have not yet been confirmed.

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153 Responses to “NewsGush: Emmerdale Hit By Credit Crunch”

  1. Dave Says:

    The could dust off The Woolpackers if they need some extra shilling.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve not watched it in about 10 years. I used to like that old bastard who owned the antique shop. Had a Thai bride and a moustache.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    They’d better not! If Winston goes, then what chance for the fat man who’s employed to shake his head whenever one of the main characters flies off the handle in the Vic? For that matter, what about Tracey? She’s been pulling pints and not saying a damned word for fifteen years!

    THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t shoot the messenger, NC. You rabid dog.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Do you remember the bit in Eastenders a month or so back where Roxy got stuck up a wall and Sean helped her down? There were at least 3,543 extras employed to watch her and chuckle from their market-stalls before the rescue. Those were the heady days of extras boom before the inevitable non-speaking bust.

    R.I.P. Big Ron. Gone, Ron, but not forgotron.

  6. Dave Says:

    Big Ron Atkins? Is he dead?

  7. fourstar Says:

    I hope there are no plans to reduce the size of Rosie Webster’s chest in Corrie. Even by half a percent, Darling.

  8. Dave Says:

    *on

  9. Napoleon Says:

    Don’t bet on it Fourstar. The last time we had a recession, they cut off one of Peggy Mitchell’s tits.

  10. Dave Says:

    Indeed. And just look what ‘Broken Britain’s’ doing to Wendy Richard.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    No, Dave – I’m talking Eastenders, not racists.

    fourstar – Christ, I’ve not seen CS in years. Having just googled Rosie Webster, I can confirm that she’s grown.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Human cannonballing’s not as demeaning as your job, Dave. You were in the shit when Britain was rolling in it.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    NC – that was in very, very bad taste. You’d be banned from the radio if this was a radio show. Which it isn’t.

  14. Dave Says:

    NC – What has that got to do with anything?

  15. Napoleon Says:

    They did though, they cut her tit off to save money. And Britain was so far down on its arse at the time, the wardrobe department could only afford a bow tie and a tight-fitting pair of pants when Frank returned. Damn these budget cuts!

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Wendy Richard. According to the Post Office ads, she’s taken up human cannonballing. I assume it’s to make ends meet during the current economic downturn, and, as I say, is still not as demeaning for Wendy as your demeaning job is for you.

  17. Dave Says:

    I agree but I was making light of the fact she’s dying of cancer. Which, when put like that, makes me a bigger cunt than I previously imagined myself to be.

    Still, those Post Office adverts make me chuckle.

  18. ugeine Says:

    If working in a call centre is anything like my friend says then I’m sure all the criticism is rolling over Dave like water off of a ducks back.

  19. fourstar Says:

    I’ll see if I can find the clip of her slamming a door. At one point they’re in different postcodes.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t know she was dying of cancer. Your previous dig at her current unfortunate condition has taken on a new and more terrible form for me now, Dave. Shame on you.

  21. fourstar Says:

    Ah yes: http://i34.tinypic.com/qzhpnb.gif

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I bet it is. I like the sound of the targets system they have in a lot of call centres. Don’t reach your target, get fired. Wish I had a job that offered that sort of 19th century incentive to keep working like a fucking dog.

  23. Dave Says:

    I dressed up as a woman, sang Sheila’s Wheels and tomorrow, for my efforts, I’m getting half-an-hour off the phones and a fried breakfast for free.

    I’m not making this up. I couldn’t.

  24. Do I not like that! Says:

    As Corrie viewers will know Rosie has gone missing.

  25. fourstar Says:

    I am happy to look for her. What identifying features can you give me to work on?

  26. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Is that one of the god awful motivation techniques I’ve heard so much about? I knew a guy that used to have to put on a ‘happy face’ and take five minutes time out after a bad call, because of the idea it’

  27. Dave Says:

    I don’t know. My Team Leader volunteered me and when i ‘accidently forgot’ a woman’s fucking frock, she pulled one out of her bag – a pink one – along with a wig and soiled bra. It was horrible.

    Still. Fried breakfast speaks for itself (even though £2.90 is no price to put on a ship called dignity).

    AAAARRRGGHH!

  28. Napoleon Says:

    I can believe that, Dave. My missus worked in a call-centre until she got a proper job, and the tales she used to tell me made my blood boil. Of course, the alternative – pay a man a decent wage for his time, instill in him a sense of loyalty and belief in your company, promise to look after him when he’s sick and when he’s old, etc. – is just such a fuddy-duddy and old fashioned conceit in a world full of Dress-Down Fridays, performance-related targets, illness being seen as a crime and instant dismissals with no benefits. I love the modern working world.

    Fucking hell … that was a bit socialist for me. I don’t think I’m that well, y’know?

  29. Do I not like that! Says:

    Prices are cheaper up there Dave. 2.70 for a fried breakfast, you do not know you are alive mate. And, I noticed in your blog IPA for 1.70 wasn’t it?

  30. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What do they drink instead of beer in soaps?

  31. Do I not like that! Says:

    I apparently look smarter on a dress down Friday then during a Mon-Thurs.

  32. Dave Says:

    From a cruddy whetherspoons it is, yes. But even though I have about a fiver spends a week, I do prefer to frequent real bars that have a thing called ‘atmosphere’ and pleasant folk in them.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    fourstar – bless you fot that clip. I think, if you go looking for her, you might want to look out for two massive norks flapping about the place almost illegally.

    Dave – You genuinely have my sympathy… but to add insult to injury, though I also work in an office, I often spend entire days with my phone switched off. As for half an hour off the phone – I sometimes spend an hour and a half having a fag.

  34. ugeine Says:

    Dave: You should have got up there and let rip with a performance of ‘I will survive’ complete with heartfelt tear stained cheeks and roaring sassy delivery. It would have been brilliant.

  35. Dave Says:

    ‘ I sometimes spend an hour and a half having a fag.’

    Thinks about it but doesn’t want to get banned.

  36. ugeine Says:

    I work in HR admin, which is about as fun as it sounds, and there’s so much oestrogen flying around I’m growing a pair of ovaries on my face.

  37. badgermadge Says:

    Wendy Richards has cancer???????!!!!!!!!!

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – Kaliber. My missus was an extra in that Posession film with Gwyneth Paltrow, and they made her drink Kaliber all day long.

  39. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Kaliber, yuck. It’s not cheap, either.
    I have not seen Emmerdale for about 5 years. But it used to be my favourite soap. Lisa Riley, mmmmm…

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You also have my sympathy. Indeed, it really does pain me to tell you I rarely get out of bed before nine, do virtually nothing of a morning but look up shit on the internet, pop to the butcher’s or the sandwich shop come lunchtime, sometimes stop off for a pint on my way home, then sit farting about on the internet or killing Germans for the rest of the afternoon. Around about 16:55 (and I’m sorry to have to impart this to you), I pick up a pen and draw a hand.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Actually, that last bit’s not entirely true. I rarely draw a hand, as they’re very taxing on the old noodle, what, what?

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I beat all of you hands down. I work from home and have no kind of strict schedule whatsoever.
    I could spend all my days wanking, theoretically. But I’m not that strong.

  43. charliemingles Says:

    Did they perhaps axe them by sending them all off in a toy aeroplane and then blowing it up unconvincingly over a scale model of the Yorkshire Moors?

  44. Dave Says:

    Anyone who has read that pathetic, soon to be deleted excuse for a post I wrote in bed late last night will understand my feelings on the matter.

    I’m diving out of this carcrash of a job in less than a fortnight. I only meant to do 2 weeks admin and the fuckers have enjoyed my labours for half a year. How it happened I don’t quite no. Well, yes I do. Bills and rent.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    ‘ I sometimes spend an hour and a half having a fag.’
    Thinks about it but doesn’t want to get banned.

    If you or I were American, you could make a homophobic joke, there – well spotted. But we’re not – so ‘fag’ still means cigarette.

    Shouldn’t you be on the phone?

  46. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes I was going to say, drawing a hand correctly is one of the ultimate challenges….in drawing that is…

  47. Do I not like that! Says:

    sitting on your fanny…

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – I work from home, and I draw cartoons for a living. Still think you’re the winner?

  49. Dave Says:

    And now eye don’t no how tworight.

  50. Swineshead Says:

    I see Mingles has sneaked back in…

  51. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I thought napoleon meant an outline of a hand. You know, tracing. I can do that no problem, just need a hand and a pencil.

  52. Dave Says:

    SH – Sorry.

  53. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Napoleon, you lucky, lucky individual. But I translate interesting stuff about oil, gas, cars, banking crisis and that! Tons of fun.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – s’okay.

    So where’re you moving on to in two weeks?
    (That is a serious question)

  55. ugeine Says:

    I blow burly dock-men for pennies while my coworker plays the accordion.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    I thought I recognised Ugeine from somewhere…

    *supervises frigate*

  57. Dave Says:

    Some administration and secretarial lark for a solicitors.

  58. charliemingles Says:

    Ive escaped back to civilisation early SH.

    I thought I would make my re-entry as casual as possible. No flowers or applause or anything, really.

  59. ugeine Says:

    It’s Charlie! *Screams*

  60. Do I not like that! Says:

    Was I the only person here to see Paul Merton in India last night?

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – Lucky? I didn’t buy a ticket and win ‘Cartoonist’ in a raffle. Lucky is not spending years trying to get good at something, and then getting a job in it anyway. For an example of this, see: Blake, Quentin.

  62. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I think BPPerry Empires should branch out into office humour. The people would riot.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    I like QB’s stuff. Are you knocking it, NC?

    Paul M in India is lined up for viewing when I can be arsed. The China series was lacklustre at best, I felt.

    Dave – good for you. Much more mong-opportunity.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I Not Like Not I – I didn’t see it. I didn’t watch him in China, neither. And I’ll wager I won’t watch him in Australia, Brasil, Pakistan, Indonesia or Russia either.

  65. charliemingles Says:

    *signing autographs unironically*

    Shucks. Thanks.

    Is that your first posting here on WWM ugeine? Enjoyed it.

    Nothing wrong with a bit of Star Trek TNG. As Jerry Seinfeld said, it’s the ultimate male fantasy, sitting in your favourite comfy armchair in front of a giant tv screen – flying through the universe at warp speed, getting into scrapes. You can’t argue with that.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Swienshead – Yep. Don’t like THAT, do you.

    Dave – When I did do drone work, I inexplicably found myself unsackable however surly, uncooperative, tardy or unhelpful I was. I’ve never been fired from anything, despite being one of the worst employees ever to enter the job market. I can only put it down to the fact management may have been worried I’d go on a violent rampage if they gave me the boot.

  67. Do I not like that! Says:

    I didn’t see the China one’s but saw last nights one. I thought it was really interesting. Quirky but interesting. And then on the travel theme I watched “Banged up abroad”…in Peru.

  68. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Napoleon, you could have read my statement as “deservedly lucky”, as it was meant. You’re a bit defensive, I find.
    OK, not lucky then. Fortunate? Blessed? Reaping the rewards?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I can argue with that. My ultimate male fantasy involves a hell of a lot less TV, flying and scrapes, and a lot more boobs, bums, drugs, guns and booze.

  70. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I would love to see Paul Merton in India, but we don’t have Channel 5 in our boondocks. Was it good?

  71. ugeine Says:

    Cheers! I think I did a one minute review a while back but it’s the first proper one I’ve done, I think.

  72. Do I not like that! Says:

    Varmint..you can probably watch it online.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – A bit defensive? Only about things that get on my nerves. I’m not at all defensive about TV shows I didn’t write, football teams I don’t play for, celebrities I don’t know, and all the other things people get riled about when someone criticises them. I am a bit defensive when the fifteen years it’s taken me to claw myself into a decent position career-wise is dismissed as ‘lucky’, yes.

    Sorry, was that a bit defensive?

  74. daveselectricblanket Says:

    ‘Hello my name’s Paul Merton pretending to be Michael Palin but nowhere near as charismatic. I’m in India’.

    Did it go like that?

  75. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yup

    http://demand.five.tv/Series.aspx?seasonBaseName=PaulMertonInIndiaSeason1

    I warn you though it contains nudity (it still makes me wince thinking about it) and drug usage.

  76. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >Sorry, was that a bit defensive?
    Nah, just a bit unnecessary. I wasn’t having a go at you.

  77. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Not Paul Merton’s nudity, surely!
    Although…

  78. charliemingles Says:

    Well, don’t forget theres also hundreds of beautiful women in catsuits and also there’s the holodeck NC.

    Who needs a real relationship with an actual woman when you can get with Marisa Tomei on the holodeck?

    *puts self on list*

  79. Who Says:

    Next to Lisa Riley, I look like a delicate little waif. For that, I am truly grateful to her.

  80. ugeine Says:

    That’s when The Holodeck doesn’t malfunction and shit out a bunch of bloodthirsty holograms, Charlie.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – Sounded like you were with the whole ‘a bit defensive’ thing … but no matter. On a different subject, you might like to know that we here in England have a thing called ‘digital and satellite TV’. They have Channel 5 on that, and it’s pretty easy to get hooked up if you know the right people. You bloody luddite.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – In my ultimate male fantasy, there’s no room for catsuits. Now you’ve mentioned her, I would throw the lovely Marisa inti the mix, mind.

  83. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am a luddite! I distrust techlogy. I didn’t have a mobile phone before 2002. I bought a FreeView receiver but couldn’t hook it up. I don’t have an iPod. I feel damn proud of myself that I can work out how to use BBC iPlayer.

  84. ugeine Says:

    Remembering that Toothed comes from Russia just reminded me of my favourite Communism joke:

    Q: Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?

    A: Because proper tea is theft!

  85. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’ve just made a joke up on the spot better than that…

    Why did the test of deomcracy in Russia fail?

    Because Karl Marx (Marks)!!!

    Thank you.

  86. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That’s a good one, Ugeine! Didn’t know it.

    Bush to Putin: We have freedom of speech in America. Anyone can stand in front of the White House and call me a dick without any fear of punishment.
    Putin to Bush: We have exactly the same freedom in Russia. Anyone can stand in front of the Kremlin and call you a dick without any fear of punishment.

  87. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Boom-boom!

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I can’t help but think you’re wasted in low-level administration. With material of that calibre, surely the bright lights of stand-up await?

  89. ugeine Says:

    TV: I’ve now got to explain why I snorted loudly when I’m supposed to be looking at employment reference.

  90. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Stop Stalin and answer Napoleon.

    *holds sides*

  91. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Stop Stalin and answer Napoleon.

    *holds sides*

  92. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Communist jokes will do that to you, Ugeine.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Some choice highlights – google searches over the past couple of days that have led folk to WWM:

    Today

    jodie marsh 10
    indiana jones raped crystal skull south 2
    indiana jones crystal skull rape 2
    kate spicer nice tits 2
    u help me find trisha itv show 2

    Yesterday

    jodie marsh 17
    danni minogue 4
    kfc boneless banquet for one 3
    eric roberts 3
    dog fucking 2
    cherly cole just head 2

    Good old internets.

  94. ugeine Says:

    They’re better then Brit jokes. Is there many more you can think of?

  95. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What the fuck is crystal skull rape??

    What scares me, though – 3 people were looking for Eric Roberts.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Someone wants to see Cheryl Cole beheaded too. Actually – two people want to see that.

    I imagine whoever typed ‘u help me find trisha itv show’ into google started off by shouting it at the screen.

  97. Dave Says:

    What do you get when you cross Stalin with a mountain rescue dog?

    A Ruskie!!!!

  98. Swineshead Says:

    Are there any crisps marketed exclusively at girls? (Apart from those shitty Ryvita ones)…

    [this is an extract from an email I just sent to Piqued, please quote source if used]

  99. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ugeine, how’s that:

    Telephone call.

    Q: Excuse me, would you perhaps be so kind as to tell me – is this a laudrette?
    A: Fuck you, shithead, it’s the Ministry of Culture!

    True story, apparently.

    Or there’s a nice sexist one just to show that we’re all the same, really:

    Two female dissidents were given 15 years in prison each for anti-soviet activity. They shared a cell for 15 years, were released in one day, cleared the prison gates and stood in front of them talking for 45 more minutes.

    Mind you, there are loads of jokes (it’s part of the culture, really, two Russian strangers in a room will start trading jokes as soon as they are introduced to each other), and lots of funnier ones. You just caught me unawares, so to speak. I’ll remember something else in time.

  100. Dave Says:

    SH – The ‘be good to yourself’ range?

  101. ugeine Says:

    Heh, I like the laundrette one.

  102. Dave Says:

    How does a Russian drunk get to work?

    In a vodcar.

  103. fourstar Says:

    “…lots of funnier ones.”

    I simply cannot believe that for a moment.

    Swineshead – who is Kate Spicer?

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Aren’t Frazzles girls’ crisps?

  105. Do I not like that! Says:

    I have always been suspicious of blokes who eat Pringles.

  106. Dave Says:

    What are those rice hockey pucks that taste of polystyrene called?

  107. Toothed Varmint Says:

    During the Civil war (1920s) there was widespread hunger and lots of poor peasants walked to Moscow to try and get an audience with the heads of state to tell them about their hardship. So:

    Poor hungry peasants come to see Dzerzhinsky (head of CheKa, which was proto-KGB). They are dressed in rags and covered with sores. Dzerzhinsky seats at the desk eating a huge red caviar sandwich.
    – What the fuck do you want? – asks D.
    – Comrade, we are hungry, people are dying, we’re redused to eating bark and grass…
    – Fuck off, you filthy swine! – shouts D. and burps.
    The peasants go to see Lenin. Lenin seats at the desk eating a huge black caviar sandwich.
    – What’s the matter with you then? – ask Lenin.
    – Comrade Lenin, our father, protect us, we are poor and hungry and comrade Dzerzhisky chased us away and shouted at us…
    Lenin swallows, rolls his eyes good-naturedly and says with a chuckle:
    – He is such a kind, generous, nice man, is comrade Dzerzhinsky! He could have had you shot, you know.

    That’s it, I’m done for today.

  108. fourstar Says:

    @Dave: Rice cakes, generically, although Snack-a-Jacks are the ‘orrible brand you see out and about.

    They suck ass.

  109. Toothed Varmint Says:

    “Sits”, obviously. I need some fresh air.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Snack-A-Jacks are bloody vile. The cheese ones especially. They’re definitely women’s crisps.

  111. Swineshead Says:

    Frazzles are ace. Yes – ‘ace’. They’re boys’ crisps.

    Snack-a-Jacks are definitely for girls.

    And Kate Spicer is a hangdog-ugly, Botox -promotin’ berk who inexplicably gets us loads of hits.

  112. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Exotic flavour crisps.

  113. Do I not like that! Says:

    If M&S do their own brand crisps (which I think they do) they would definitely be girls crisps.

  114. Dave Says:

    Don’t Patax have those mini poppadoms for female women?

  115. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You know, like Thai Lemon Grass and Sweet Red Chili flavour or Rocket, Beetroot and Capers flavour.

  116. Dave Says:

    A rocket caper sounds like a really fun cartoon to me. You middleclass folk are WEIRD.

    Splendips.

  117. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am beyond class, actually. I am a declassified element.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    A female friend had a packet of those vegetable crisps. She offered me one, I took it, sniffed at it for a bit, cocked my head to one side, lifted an ear in bewilderment, then buggered off to piss in the garden

  119. Dave Says:

    Are they the parsnip ones, NC? The Beetroot ones are good too. Love them. Although, I’d eat my own shit if it was baked for me.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint has described Piqued’s favourite crisps, by the way. He can’t get enough of those M&S Rocket, Beetroot and Capers flavour crisps. I saw him eat a bag once … and the verdict?

    Magnifique!

  121. Napoleon Says:

    They were ‘vegetable crisps’, Dave. ‘Vegetable crisps’, if you please! You don’t make crisps out of vegetables – you make ’em out of spuds.

  122. piqued Says:

    I sw that NC and you’re bang wrong

    Quavers are the only way to go for me currently, and don’t forget that only recently you and I had a wank on the back of Phileas Phogg (you fell off, ah-ha-ha)

  123. Do I not like that! Says:

    Piqued wanders around Porto and doesn’t mention Jose Mourinho once!

  124. piqued Says:

    …or Corn SH, hard core corn

  125. Dave Says:

    I have a potato in my fridge. A massive one. I may bake it, I may try and make crisps out of it. I wonder if you could fry them in a pan or if bunging them in the oven like wedges would be better.

    Piqued?

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Not keen on Quavers – not enough danger. I like manly, muscular crisps that may or may not tear open the roof of your mouth. Russian Roulette crisps. Crisps such as Chilli McCoys, Brannigans Beef & Mustard and Walkers Steak and Onion. Quavers have always struck me as a bit limp-wristed, a bit … Larry Grayson?

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You deep-fry crisps, you twat.

  128. Dave Says:

    NC – Not warranted as a response. You can bake crisps or put them in your kettle…I’ve heard.

  129. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I like Kettle Chips.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Baked? And anyone who’s had a bag of those bastard Walkers Baked knows how vile they taste. Why not cut off a spud’s balls while you’re about it? Eh?

    No. Cut ’em thick, and get those suckers in deep fat. Lard, preferably. None of this sunflower oil garbage.

  131. Dave Says:

    Some people fry them in their hands. That’s a worse job than mine.

  132. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Palm Oil Flavour.
    boom-boom

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Kettle Chips are definitely women’s crisps. Salt and pepper flavour? PEPPER? On a crisp? What next? Lipstick?

  134. charliemingles Says:

    do they still make those roast beef and mustard corrugated ones? they used to make my eyes water. And not just when I shoved them up my arse.

  135. Dave Says:

    That made me laugh a loud, booming laugh.

  136. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Kettle Chips are big, thick and I always cut my gums on them. That’s manly.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    That frying in your hand malarky produces the ULTIMATE male crisp. I’ve only ever had one bag because they’re so rare, and you can only buy ’em in underground bare-knuckle boxing clubs. The flavour I had was Motor Oil and Lung Cancer flavour. Fucking superb.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Kettle Chips would be manly if they weren’t hamstrung by dainty, feminine flavours. Salsa and Mesquite? I don’t even know what a mesquite is, but I know it has no earthly place being used as a crisp flavour.

    I’ll tell you another manly crisp – Seabrook’s Bacon & Brown Sauce flavour. You can only buy those on building sites.

  139. Dave Says:

    Skips are for ladies? Surely? And why are they called skips? Why do they look like Adam Hart-Davies dressed as a starfish?

  140. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, I don’t go for those arty-farty flavours, Napoleon. Only Rock Salt and Cracked Black Pepper for me. See? Rock! Black! Cracked! Those are all manly words.

  141. ugeine Says:

    The only mans crisps are plain. REAL men don’t need poncey things like flavour. If you all had nads you would just by them salt and shake and chuck the salt away.

  142. Napoleon Says:

    Skips are a girl’s crisp, without a shadow of a doubt.

    Pepper? Did you say ‘pepper’, Varmint? On a crisp?

    Admit it, you’re wearing a dress.

  143. Dave Says:

    Highlander crisps are the ultimate crisp for any a man. They make you immortal and give you a weird German twang.

  144. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Shit, Ugeine is right. Spit flavour! That’s a manly crisp.

  145. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s a housedress, actually, I only wear it in private. It used to belong to my great-grandmother and it smells of chickens.

  146. Dave Says:

    Sorry. Christopher Lambert is French, isn’t he? They’re all the same anyway these places.

  147. ugeine Says:

    I’m only guessing, TV, as I’m so manly I don’t even eat crisps. If I want a light snack I chew on some broken glass.

  148. Toothed Varmint Says:

    My mate once snorted a whole bag of crushed cheese and onion Walker’s crisps to impress a girl.

  149. Dave Says:

    I once grilled the back of my hand retrieving a stray fish finger and the smell made me sick on the floor.

    That’s a flavour.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine’s not right! Chucking away the salt is supposedly healthier for you. Health is what girls do, not blokes. And he’s wrong on the flavour front too – if the flavour’s a man’s flavour (meat / meat + onion / meat + unpleasant condiment / unpleasant condiment / meat + chili / chili (NOT sweet chili), and the crisp is so thick and so jagged it tears a hole so far up into the roof of your mouth brain surgeons have to get involved, then it’s a man’s crisp, plain and simple.

  151. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh! I remember a tongue-twister they made us say at our English lessons at school:

    Can I have sixty-six bags of Smith’s crisps, please.

    Hilarious with a Russian aceent, I can tell you.

    There are no Smith’s crisps anymore, I think.

  152. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I enjoyed this crisp conversation immensely, we shoul do it more often. Very evocative.

  153. ugeine Says:

    A compelling and well thought out argument, NP. We could use that theory as a way of scoring ‘man points’ for crisps.

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