Star Trek – The Next Generation


TNG (As nerds and misfits call it) follows a crew aboard the Star Ship Enterprise. The ship is the size of a city, so naturally it’s staffed by about nine different people. I suppose there’re scores of people somewhere in the background, running the shops, doing the admin, cleaning the photon gun, tazering the Klingons etc… but, you only ever get to see the same people.

These are:

The Captain, Jean Luc Picard. He’s the brooding patriarch of the Enterprise clan. As his name suggests, his character was born in France, so plausibly they decided to cast no other than Shakespearean actor Patrick Stewart, presumably to give Brits over the world a snigger when he spouts remarks like ‘I remember the vineyards of Toulouse’ in a classically theatrical English accent.

While Kirk used to get in, shoot a few things, bang an alien chick and get out in time for the ad break, Picard seems to be both a master diplomat and master tactician. From the writer’s point of view, he never puts a foot wrong. Most of the time he manages to say the perfect thing or pull off the perfect tactical play. The writers suffer from ‘Diagnosis Murder’ syndrome, so like the Surgeons working 12 hour shifts and then having a bit of time to solve the odd stone-cold-whodunnit, Picard can handle the duties of a normal Captain, then somehow find the time to dick off to a random planet at his fancy and learn something about the natives.

As the series progresses, Picard becomes less the master and commander type and more of a bumbling, David Brent style Captain. One episode sees the ship stolen by a race of aliens who then proceed to beam the crew out of the ship and joyride to their home planet. All of which could have been stopped by Picard and Riker, but they spent most of the episode chatting up a very pretty but nonetheless computerised lady in the holodeck and were unable to assist.

In another episode, A hologram murderer makes it onto the ship and nearly wipes out half the crew, thanks to Picard using The Federation’s cutting edge, experimental technology, The Holodeck – paid for by the intergalactic tax payers money, no doubt – to indulge in a bit of role play as a 40s Private Detective.

Counsellor Troi is the Matriarch of the clan and ship’s counsellor. As the main female character, her heightened emotional state gives her the magical ability to sense other people’s emotional states. Whether she has the special ability to clean and cook really well is not dealt with. Her special ability means she spends most of her time pointing at people running away and exclaiming ‘I sense he’s frightened of something!’. As the plot is paper thin you can see the twists coming a mile off. For most of the show she spends her time pointing out the finer details to people too slow or lazy to follow.

Wesley is a child on the ship, and a round-eyed picture of innocence and wonder. He spends most of his time either wandering around the control room like a kid in a candy shop, or getting on Picard’s tits. Although Picard is a master diplomat, fluent in however many alien languages and able to use his well-sculpted tongue to over-pronounce himself out of many a tight situation, he’s humorously unable to converse with an 18 year old child. Instead, he fixes Wes with the kind of look you give a stray dog with a leg missing and shouts at him a lot. This is due to the fact that when Picard was written the writers didn’t want to bother with trivial things like character flaws, so it provides welcome comic relief. 

Warf  is the ship’s only Klingon, a race similar to humans apart from the fact that somewhere down the trousers of time, evolution deemed it necessary to affix a Cornish pasty to their foreheads. Klingons are more barbaric and less intelligent then humans and they place great stock in virtues such as honour, courage, war, shouting, grunting, roaring, fighting, shouting some more and sporting receding hairlines.

The final five characters are aren’t really worth mentioning apart from their quirks. They are Lt. Data (Robot) La Forge (blind), Will Riker (twat), Lt. Yar (Head of security – nobs Data in the second episode) and Beverley Crusher (ginger). Beverley Crusher is played by the superbly named Gates McFadden.

New characters get introduced now and again but don’t bother to learn their names as they’ll only be eating phaser dust five minutes later. Star Trek has an annoying habit of killing off minor characters they’ve only just introduced to save them from having to kill the main ones off. However, when Lt. Yar gets killed by an evil pool of tar in one episode, the tacky and sentimental scene that follows makes you glad of this.

The average episode starts with the crew in high spirits; usually Data is failing to understand something we all take for granted (‘what is this strange thing you humans call ballroom dancing?’) because Data is a tool. He’s an android with a memory bank the size of India, so he’s able to quote the intricacies of Ferengi culture or the history of Klingon planets in a certain region at will, but is unable to understand even the basic concepts of the culture that invented him. He was probably made by Dell.

Anyhow, before long they will encounter an alien race. All alien races in Star Trek are humans, with two arms, two legs, proportionately sized bodies and some weird shit stuck on their faces thanks to the make up department. The alien races are shallow pastiches of human cultures, so the Farengis are ruthless capitalists, the klingons are warring bastards, The Borg are technology gone evil, The Vulcans are humourless logic whores who probably watch Newsnight Review and the humans (for which, read: white Americans) all go around the galaxy sorting out the other races’ flaws.

Someone will then make a mistake. Usually the crew – if they were real, they’d all be facing court martial by now for endangering civilians and Picard would have been shot from a cannon into the sun – and they will then need a futuristic, space-age battle to sort it out.

However, it’ll only be futuristic by the standards of the late 80s, so in reality all the flashing blue screens and chunky graphics look so retro you’re almost expecting Picard to mention that these computers can hold up to 12 telephone books worth of data, or La Forge to mention he just downloaded a song in a lightening fast six days.

After the ensuing battle, most alien leaders will melt under the steely glare of Picard and ‘fess up to their shortcomings, although not once will Picard ‘fess up to how much of a bumbling fool of a Captain he is. Did I mention the episode where he nearly gets himself killed because he couldn’t remember if he ordered a ship and its people to be nuked?

Instead, Picard tells the aliens where they went wrong in life and shoots off to another adventure.

And that’s Star Trek, really. What the Star Trek people have done here, unintentionally, is create one of the funniest sci-fi parodies to date. At least, the unintentional hilarity is why I tell myself I watch it and encourage others to do the same. But then I remember the Trekkies: legions of po-faced losers who seriously think this programme is worth all the conventions, merchandise, fan fiction, fan novels…


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134 Responses to “Star Trek – The Next Generation”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    You do realise you’ve just given Dave the equivalent of a birthday present…

    Still, always worth a look at this Marina Sirtis character – the only good thing about this terrible TV show.

  2. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thanks for the heads-up. There’s no way I am going to watch it now, which is good, since I watch way too much shite anyway.
    Excellent, comprehensive review.
    Just one niggle – it seems that there is a unbreakable rule for everyone who writes about Star Trek, namely about Klingons – to compare their foreheads with Cornish pasties.

  3. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Actually, told a lie there. I think I would like to see a couple of episodes now, just for a laugh. Or maybe just one episode. Any recommendations?

  4. Dave Says:

    Too rich for my blood…

  5. ugeine Says:

    TV: I’d recommend the one I mentioned where Lt. Yar gets it on with Data. If purely for the site of Picard doing an acting masterclass on overacting.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    That actress who plays Lt Yar, if anyone is interested, is in an utterly depressing 80s film called Miracle Mile which also features the main nerd out of Revenge of the Nerds. It’s quite good.

    I notice some dastardly internet pirate has put a torrent for it here. Tsk.

    I heartily disapprove.

  7. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Great, thanks. I know someone who knows someone whose neighbour’s boyfrend is partial to Star Trek, I’ll try and borrow it from him. He would know the one.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Cripes! Look at Uhura!

  9. Toothed Varmint Says:

    She should be ashamed of herself.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    She really should. So Troi and Uhura – I’ve about covered my Star Trek knowledge there.

  11. ugeine Says:

    Councillor Troi has been raped, murdered and sold her body all through the 80s. Riker would cry if he knew.

  12. ugeine Says:

    That photo was attached to her CV when she applied to the Enterprise. It’s the main reason Kirk took her on.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon I did well reading half of this. Star Trek? Is this what we’ve come to?

    *wanders off to write about bad actor Keifer Sutherland’s new Mirrors film*

  14. Do I not like that! Says:

    In my mind Star Trek (Kirk et al) and TNG are completely different. The original series is required viewing, whilst TNG building on the original concept found a whole new audience. TNG whilst elegant in it’s production and making can be quite hit or miss with regard to storyline. What characterises Star Trek (both versions) is an optimism in the future. Do not forget the first inter racial kiss on TV was in Star Trek (Original series).

  15. Toothed Varmint Says:

    One of my favourite screen-fights if from Star Trek (not TNG, though). Its when Kirk fights this plastik man-shaped lizard thing. In slow motion. In really slow motion.

    I tried to attach a link to YouTube, but to no avail. House rules?

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t like Star Trek and I read the lot… it’s funny, I thought.

    NC – you’ve come back from holiday an even more cantankerous arsehole. Did you take on some kind of wager before you went away?

    I hope that Mirrors review is for us. I was going to watch that but cancelled the download after seeing this:

  17. Do I not like that! Says:

    Toothed Varmint, yes the Gorn, episode Arena. Kirk spares the Gorn’s life displaying human attributes of mercy and a respect for life. The Metrons who organised the fight are impressed and will allow humans to contact them again in some years to come.

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jack Bauer shouldn’t really diversify. It’s good in the niche, Kiefer, you’re the king there. Stick to what you do best – shouting at bombs and torturing your brother.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’m not being cantankerous. I reckon I did well to read as much as I did about Star Trek, funny or not. I’m not suddenly going to dispense with my utter disdain for science fiction simply because it’s not Dave writing about it. So fuck off.

    And yes, the Mirrors review’s for you. It’s either that or write an article about Jim Morrison and get paid for it. I know what my priorities are, see?

  20. Nick T Says:

    I always saw ST and STNG (see I speaka da language) as America and the universe as everyone else. Boldly going with their big gun around the world pretending to understan different races but then unimatley using their big gun to make a point and win out in tyhe end.

    Anyone see the Imagine… with Yentob the other night?

    About the history of guitars?

    Notice there were no black people mentioned? Did you? I did.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    All science fiction? You don’t like any sci fi? That can’t be right. Are you serious?

  22. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Do I Not Like That – I remember Kirk constructing some sort of bazuka out of some conveniently placed bamboo (the fight takes place in some barren mountains) and shooting at the lizard.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Now that TV and Mikey are genuinely talking about Star Trek I’m starting to side with NC.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    See what you’ve opened up here? People talking about fucking Star Trek without the slightest hint of humour.

  25. Dave Says:

    I know. We could write about pointless celebrities or shoestring cookery shows instead?

    Or….Battlestar? YES!

    I’ll email it to you later.

  26. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You are like a weathercock, Swineshead. Well, the Star Trek wind is blowin’…
    Actually, I know what I like – that Battlestar Galactica. I’m going to get myself the 4th Season forthwith.

  27. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What’s the name of a ST offshoot where Skott Bakula from Quantum Leap plays some sort of Captain?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Fucking hell.

  29. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It hurts, yes? Ve hav vays.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    You have ways of talking about humourless science fiction shit? Great.

  31. Do I not like that! Says:

    The pro American v Universe thing I do not think holds water with the original series. It frequently advocated the idea of the futility of war.
    A good episode was Assignment Earth with a character called Gary Seven and his companion Isis. There was talk of a spin off series for this character, but the character has never occured since. (Well he has actually in the comic books, but I am not that sad…..).

  32. Napoleon Says:

    See? They even know the names of the episodes!

  33. Dave Says:

    Oh my Christ….stop them…stop them all now!!!

  34. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Doesn’t need to be humourless, is all I’m saying.

  35. Do I not like that! Says:

    Paul Merton in India was good last night.

  36. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Maybe we should talk about EastEnders? So that everyone feels included.

  37. ugeine Says:

    2001 – A Space odyssey? The Matrix? There’s an unshaven, smelly, overweight shadow with pasty white skin cast over the sci fi genre but that’s no reason to discount the entire genre.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Fucking hell Mikey – it’s not Dostoyevsky it’s fucking kiddie sci fi.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I was looking at one of those talent agency websites t’other day, and in the ‘Lookalikes’ section there was a Planet of the Apes monkey lookalike. He looked just like a Planet of the Apes monkey, as he’d gone out and bought a proper head and costume and that. Now, do you reckon the other lookalikes hate this man? I know I would. Say I was trying to make my way in the world as an Albert Steptoe, and this bastard waltzes in with his costume and gets the job because he looks exactly like the person he’s supposed to be? I’d be fucking furious. Is he even a proper lookalike? Does a bloke wearing a stormtrooper suit classify as a lookalike too? Surely they should go in a section entitled ‘Blokes in costumes’?

    I’ve been running this around in my head for far too long.

  40. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t know, I like BSG. It is interesting and not stupid. For the most part.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a grey area, NC. If, for example, I sweep my hair to the side and stick on a false filtrum tache I look a hell of a sight more like Adolf than I would have otherwise. I could even probably make a fresh quid impersonating the genocidal leader of the Nazis (but not by mimicking his fondness for encouraging an army and a people into ethnic cleansing as that would be plain wrong).

    Would the moustache and the hair mousse required count as skull-duggery?

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    No way that’s a proper lookalike, it’s plain cheating. If his face without the mask looked like a Planet of the Apes monkey – that would be proper. And there are blokes like that, I even know a couple.

  43. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Bit grumpy here today, what?

  44. Do I not like that! Says:

    The 2001 series, I would recommend the books to anybody. Absolutely brilliant writing. Also any Philip K Dick novel (or short stories) are well worth a read. Enough sci-fi from me today.

    Any women in costumes in this agency of yours Nap?

  45. ugeine Says:

    Terry Prattchet’s a great sci fi / fantasy writer, and he actually has a sense of humour.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    This is why I have my doubts. I, too, look a bit like Hitler with the addition of a side-parting, a toothbrush moustache, a Hitler uniform, a Nazi armband and a raised, right-arm salute … but does that give me the right to hang around with the likes of this fella? Surely there’s a limit?

  47. Napoleon Says:

    “Terry Prattchet’s a great sci fi / fantasy writer, and he actually has a sense of humour”

    He writes children’s books!

  48. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I can’t stand Pratchett one bit. It was forced down my throat as a kid. My dad made me read all of the early Discworld novels because ‘it was fun’.

  49. ugeine Says:

    ‘He writes children’s books!’ Yes, he does. He also writes adult books.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Adult books? Any examples you can point me too, Ugeine? I haven’t noticed Pratchett’s adult books in Waterstones. Are they behind the silly children’s fantasy novels he writes with the cartoons on the front covers?

  51. mostlylouche Says:

    What I want to know is why an ‘Adult Magazine’ is one with rude pictures in, and an ‘Adult Film’ is one where people do a sex on each other but in Tescos ‘Adult Cereals’ are just muesli. Where is the sexy sex bit?

    *slaps bass*

  52. ugeine Says:

    ‘Adult books? Any examples you can point me too, Ugeine? I haven’t noticed Pratchett’s adult books in Waterstones. Are they behind the silly children’s fantasy novels he writes with the cartoons on the front covers?’

    Hey, your loss mate.

  53. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Someone’s simply got to mention Douglas Adams and, possibly, Red Dwarf. Not going to be me, though.

  54. ugeine Says:

    Maybe we should change the subject.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Not really, Ugeine. I’ve read some of his infantile ‘comedy fantasy’ novels, and they’re simplistic dross. I can understand why a kid would enjoy them, but a fully-grown adult?

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Louche – You’re right. I shall get on to TESCO’s and ask ’em why there are no fanny-hammers given away with All-Bran.

  57. ugeine Says:

    Different people have different tastes you see, Napoleon. One person might think certain novels with illustrations and dealing with a certain subject matter might be aimed purely at children, and therefore such a novel would be infantile. that’s all well and good, oranges aren’t the only fruit, it’s all swings and roundabouts.

    Another person might think spending your morning trying to rile people who like fantasy and sci fi despite the fact you’ve already said you have little interest in either genre as infantile as well. But that’s the wonder of opinions.

    To everybody else: Red Dwarf is ace. I’ve never read any of the older sci fi books, the H.P Lovecrafts and the like, any place i should start?

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Lovecraft isn’t really sci-fi, it’s just overwriten purple pseudo-horror in my estimation. I could never get into it. Cool monster names, though – Cthulhu, Yog-Sosoth.
    I like HG Wells a lot.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a bit frosty in here this morning.

  60. Nick T Says:

    If I put a cornsih pasty on my forehead I could get a job as a vulcan…

    (See how I tie all this together?)

  61. Napoleon Says:

    I love it when someone gets annoyed and falls back on the ‘you’re just picking on me for the sake of it’ argument. To set you straight, you patronising fuck-artist, I’m not saying Pratchett’s waffle is infantile shite to rile you up, I’m saying it because Pratchett’s waffle is infantile shite. Yes, that’s an opinion, but it also happens to be the correct one. If you like kid’s books (Pratchett) and kid’s televison (Dr Who, Star Trek), that’s fair enough. However, if you do read and watch such rubbish, then you’re just going to have to put up with it when someone who likes grown-up stuff points out to you the fact that you’re consuming shite aimed primarily at children and teenagers. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

    And Red Dwarf was crap, by the way.

  62. Nick T Says:

    I used to like The Tomorrow People…..


  63. Swineshead Says:

    Did you have a bad experience with Sci Fi when you were younger, NC?
    Did you get goosed by a cyberman in an advenure playground?

  64. Nick T Says:

    Mozart was crap

  65. indy Says:

    adult material = a bag if riesen

  66. Dave Says:

    NC – That’s, like, your opinion man.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    No, Swineshead. I loved Star Wars when I was a kid, because I was a kid and it was made for kids. Then I grew up, and I don’t watch stuff like Star Wars any more.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Yes it is. This opinion thing’s overrated. I met a bloke who was of the opinion that it was alright to sleep with under-age girls. Hey! He was entitled to that opinion, and just because it was different from mine, that didn’t make it any less valid, yeah?

  69. ugeine Says:

    NP: you’re right, I do. I wasn’t trying to patronise you or anything, or insinuate you were picking on me, sorry if you thought I was.

  70. Dave Says:

    NC – That’s a rubbish reponse because you’d be subjecting that girl to horrific psychological trauma against her will – or at least she’d be too young to make a reasoned judgement on whether to consent or not.

    With Sci-Fi it’s kind of different, I find.

    But the thing that grates me is that people regect a brilliant story just because it isn;t set on a council estate in London or the streets of New York. People are essentially attacking the setting if they refuse to watch anything taking place on ‘Alpha Quadrant’ or somesuch made-up place.

  71. Dave Says:

    regect is a made-up word spoken by the Spermucans in Alpha-Quadrant.

  72. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I first saw Star Wars (and Return of the Jedi at that) when I was 21 and thought that it was a lightweight fairytale with spaceships. Still do, as a matter of fact. Never even seen the three modern installments.
    I wonder whether I would have been a huge SW fan if I saw the films at the right age…

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – Judging by the fact that everyone my age who saw these films in the late 70s and early 80s nbanged on about nothing but Star Wars, I’d take a fair stab that you would have been a huge Star Wars fan. It’s when they’ve all grown up and still think the badly-written, overblown load of rubbish are still the greatest films ever made that it gets weird. You read those list things the magazines make, and The Empire Strikes Back tends to come second in a chart of the best films ever. SECOND? So it’s better than Apocalypse Now or The Godfather Part II?

    Ugeine – None taken. I shall lay off because you’re not that arsehole Dave.

    Dave – You’re an arsehole.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    Kurt Vonnegut destroys NC’s argument.

    Sci Fi isn’t crap just because you don’t like it.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t say it was crap because I didn’t like it. And this Vonnegut chap means nothing to me, so his opinion’s neither here nor there as far as I’m concerned.

  76. Dave Says:

    So we all agree that NC is wrong and ironically acting like a bigger kid than the folks who read Pratchett?

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – No. And I’m too old to do this ironic acting lark. That’s for you kids who don’t actually know what irony is.

  78. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I started reading Dan Simmons’ “Hyperion Omnibus” yesterday, having finished “Ilyon” and “Olympos” last week. I don’t usually read a lot of sci-fi but this Simmons fella is just ace.
    I also like Iain M. Banks and Alastair Reynolds.
    I’ll get me coat?

  79. Dave Says:

    I meant it was ironic that your argument consists of calling sci-fi childish yet your behaviour is less than adult yourself. That’s what I meant.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    *gives up*

  81. ugeine Says:

    I’m a bit confused really. I’ve just written two pages worth that slags off Star Trek and I’ve managed to fall into the side that’s sticking up for it.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – What behaviour? Disliking something because it’s childish shite? Yes, the fucking irony of it.

    Is this Alanis Morrisette irony?

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Have a read of Slaughterhouse 5.
    He manages to combine his experiences of the fire-bombing of Dresden with intergalactic space and time travel. A cult classic and Sci Fi done right.

    I wouldn’t defend Pratchett, I ought to add – I think he’s a pain in the arse.

  84. Dave Says:

    I don’t think a guest would throw a peadophile comparison into the mix during a debate on Question Time just because he doesn’t agree with a politician’s economic policy.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    I own Firestorm: The Bombing of Dresden 1945. Very good, and no need for intergalactic space and time travel as the story’s interesting as it is.

  86. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Fantasy – that’s what I don’t like. At all. Lord of the Rings. Lord of my arse, more like.
    Actually, that sounds a bit weird…

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I wan’t throwing that into an argument about sci-fi, I was specifically throwing it in about your comment about opinons.

  88. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Vonnegut is an excellent writer. And very funny.
    I love “Breakfast of Champions”.

  89. ugeine Says:

    Lording your arse, TV? That’s a different kind of fantasy…

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Fantasy’s worse, without a shadow of a doubt. All that goblins and orcs and wizards shit. Jesus wept.

  91. Swineshead Says:

    I own Firestorm: The Bombing of Dresden 1945. Very good, and no need for intergalactic space and time travel as the story’s interesting as it is.

    The existence of an account of the bombing in a non-fiction book doesn’t negate the existence of an account in a work of fiction. What the fuck are you talking about?

  92. ugeine Says:

    You can use Wizard shit to power up healing crystals, you know. My favourite bit about the fantasy sci fi genres is the fans; Elvish Weddings, the Klingon language society, they’re gloriously bat-shit.

  93. Dave Says:

    Can we all attack a common enemy such as that new strain of brainless spoof film – yer ‘epic movie’, ‘disaster movie’, ‘superhero movie’, ‘Meet the Spartans’ etc???

    This is supposed to be a lovely place, afterall.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t say it negated its existence, and you’ll find nowhere on here that I did, thanks. I was making the point I’d prefer to read about the actual bombing of Dresden rather than your metaphorical version. Hence, no need for intergalactic space bollocks – not interested.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Has anyone actually watched any of thsoe films? I’d have thought the adverts for them were enough to put off anyone who had already undergone puberty?

  96. Toothed Varmint Says:

    There wasn’t any fantasy as a genre in the USSR, Tolkien wasn’t translated and the whole thing was unknown. Then after Perestroika the floodgates were open, loads of shit but popular books were hastily and amateurishly translated (LOTR among them) – and the craze begun. I don’t think I exagerrate in saying that fantasy is the most popular genre among Russian readers. There are Tolkien’s imitators, there are Slavic fantasy sagas, humorous fantasy, ironic fantasy, alternative fantasy, ethnic fantasy, space fantasy, fucking soap opera fantasy, it just goes on… The most popular subgenre is when a modern gamer-nerd is magically transported to some fantasy world or other and has to learn magic and shit to fend for himself and save the universe. Another very popular subset is when a Russian soldier gets transported from present day to some long-ago war and kicks everybody’s arse, especially the Yanks’ and the Brits’. Or some goblins’ and orcs’, that’s optional. Fucking fantasy. I hate it.

  97. ugeine Says:

    I’ve watched all of them and they’re the best films since Galaxy Quest. I noticed they’d been missed of the Cannes shortlist, I wrote a very angry letter to the board.

  98. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Galaxy Quest was kind of allright, I thought.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I was reading on the Lincolnshire Echo site that a bunch of villagers have stopped plans to turn an old RAF hospital into one of those retreats where they all turn up wearing armour and stuff and pretend to be elves and whatnot. I don’t usually salute the bumwitted folk of Lincolnshire, but in this instance, I’m right behind ’em.

  100. ugeine Says:

    TV: God, that sounds awful! Another reason to give Communism a wide birth. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it?

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Galaxy Quest’s a comedy though. It’s the po-faced uber-sci-fi I can’t stand. That stuff that requires utter devotion, conventions, limited edition resin figuirines, platinum DVD box sets and learning a made-up language before you can be considered a proper fan. I’m not that bothered by stuff such as Alien, which is a horror, and 2001, which I’ve only ever watched on acid so have no idea what it’s meant to be.

  102. Dave Says:

    NC – Surely that’s be military reinactment? Something just as bad as cosplay.

  103. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ugeine, actually we didn’t have any of this fantasy shit during Communism, we had a lot of good literature translated, but not fantasy for some reason. Actually, that’s not quite true, I seem to remember that “Hobbit” had been translated, but published heavily abridged and with colourful drawings – you know, for kids. And rightly so, I think.
    But HG Wells, Ray Bradbuty, Isaac Asimov, Kurt Vonnegut among others – they were available in excellent translations.

  104. Swineshead Says:

    I watched Ghostbusters on acid. It was genuinely unsettling.

  105. ugeine Says:

    NP: I’m the same with Superheroes. In fact, if you replaced every ‘fantasy’ or ‘sci fi’ you’d typed today with ‘super hero’ or ‘comic book’ I’d probably run to wherever you live and start praising you as the new Christ.

    And Galaxy Quest is a poor man’s Futurama mixed with a shite Hollywood film.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – No, this was that lot that dress up as dwarves for the weekend and re-enact Lord of the Rings and Dungeons & Dragons and the like. Your military re-enactment types fall into the catagory of unhinged psychopaths, not nerds.

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Oh Christ, super hero films. The line uttered by The Joker in that woeful Dark Knight movie springs to mind:

    “Why so serious?”

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Ghsotbusters on acid sounds fun. Were you peaking when they turned into dogs?

  109. Toothed Varmint Says:

    And I don’t like that “Heroes” show. Stupid and boring.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    American TV, Varmint. Best example of a dog with a bone you can find. “This show’s good, let’s make 70,000 of them.”

    Obviously, I don’t mean Heroes when I write this.

  111. Swineshead Says:

    By the time I was peaking I was in the park having the worst kickabout ever witnessed by a milkman in the early hours.

    I remember the bit in the library (the ‘shhh’ moment) making me shout blue murder.

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Sounds like you freaked out a bit, man.

  113. Swineshead Says:



    Where’s Quincy these days, I need words with that lad.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Watching Rambo III, eating hamburgers, and teaching the commies a thing or two about democracy?

  115. Swineshead Says:

    More than likely. I feel a newsgush coming on, I think we’ve drained Star Trek of argument and vituperation.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    I’m still writing this Mirrors thing. Someone called Swineshead keeps e-mailing me, and I keep losing my train of thought.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    Ignore him, he’s a twa…


  118. piqued Says:

    NC, you’ve been mailing SH?

    We are SO over

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, but we needed to talk. I had important information to share about boiled eggs and early ’90s softcore porn mags.

  120. Swineshead Says:

    It’s no secret. A transcript is below (I’ve removed anything that might be considered too personal)

    NC wrote:
    (38 minutes ago)
    I’m not sure about that. I’m awful partial, like, to an egg mayonnaise sandwich.

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 1:05 PM, SH wrote:
    Can’t beat a boiled egg.

    On 09/10/2008, NC wrote:
    I’m having boiled eggs on toast. Oh yes.

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 12:57 PM, SH wrote:

    I’ve just decided that you are, and thus it is so.
    Lunchtime – I’ve a ham and egg bap, then some mini cheddars. Rock on.

    On 09/10/2008, NC wrote:
    Why am I a rabid dog?

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 12:01 PM, SH wrote:
    Jesus – that’s a bit like Barry George.
    You’re a rabid dog.

    On 09/10/2008, NC wrote:
    Possibly. To be honest, I only remember Charlotte. I was a bit obsessed with the girl. I even wrote to Paul Raymond Publictaions asking for her contact details. That made me a stalker before the term had even come into common parlance, I reckon.

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 11:57 AM, SH wrote:
    I can’t remember names – does that make me an inconsiderate lover?

    On 09/10/2008, NC wrote:
    I always used to choose my targets like a hunter. By the time it came for spaffing, the lovely Charlotte was already in my sights on the bed in all her riding hat and crop glory. I loved that woman.

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 11:47 AM, SH wrote:
    Just for the page-turning throwback feeling – desperately trying to get to the right page before you cough up muck over the wrong bint. Yes?

    On 09/10/2008, NC wrote:
    They are, though what they’re like now is anyone’s guess. I last bought a copy of Club International about ten years back, and it had really gone down hill. What’s the point, anyway? If you want softcore, you need look no futher than the mighty internet.

    On Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 11:41 AM, SH wrote:
    I’ve just realised it’s been about 8 years since I owned a pornographic magazine.
    I might have to buy one for nostalgia’s sake. Are they still going?

  121. Who Says:

    Surely all information is important where boiled eggs are concerned – do tell. Not fussed about the porn mags.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    Bottom up, obnov.

  123. Nick T Says:

    Listen to the freebies.

    Laugh or your money back

  124. Nick T Says:


  125. Napoleon Says:

    You see, readers? Behind the scenes, we are very serious-minded men who take the most important issues of the day out for a spin and batter them into shape in our collective brain spaces. Tomorrow, Swineshead and I will be discussing whether crappy 1980s animated movie ‘Starchaser: The Legend of Orin’ had the shittest 3D effects of any film ever made. Watch this space.

  126. Nick T Says:

    Actually not there


    See the work I do for you?

    All for nothing.

  127. Napoleon Says:

    That’ll probably mean all your other comments that contain links won’t appear until they’ve been moderated, Nick.

  128. Nick T Says:


    The last link has sample of Dirty Fan Mail. Real letters written to porn models read in amusing voices. The other ones don’t and aren’t as funny.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    It might not. Sometimes WordPress mistakes genuine comments for spam if the author posts them with too many links. If memory serves, it’s a three strikes and your out scenario. You might get away with it – you’ll just have to see.

  130. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They are real letters? Oh, that’s much more interesting. Coz at first I didn’t quite get it. Now it makes sense.

  131. piqued Says:

    I thought I was enough porn for both you

    You rotten sods

    *goes to mothers house*

  132. Nick T Says:

    Google dirty fan mail and chose the trunk records link.

    If you follow the links you will find samples of their cd.

  133. Nick T Says:

    Oh fuck off and read the news gush then…..

  134. Akira Says:

    Wow, that was one awesome post.

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