Merton In India / Fry in America


How To Make a Television Programme
#16485 – Drop a National Treasure in a foreign country

Michael Palin’s spine is not what it once was. Apparently he can barely take a 168 to Hampstead Heath without buckling.

Ustinov’s dead.

So who could the BBC and Five send off on a jet plane for their travelogue programming? Which safe pair of hands could deliver quality footage, fit for a series at only the cost of their fee, their expenses and a handful of first class plane tickets?

Time to get out the Handbook of National Treasures…

David Jason’s too grumpy, Robbie Coltrane won’t fit on the plane and Parkinson’s not very interesting. In the end, stuck for options, Five chose Paul Merton whilst the BBC, probably thinking itself slightly superior, plumped for Stephen Fry.

Paul Merton in China was a bit of a drab affair. It was Merton’s first outing in the travel format and he didn’t look altogether comfortable. His constant asides to camera occasionally came across as slightly patronising towards the Chinese and the imported comedy moments, set-pieces created purely for camera, didn’t do it any favours. It still had a lot of good moments and thankfully the second series is a further improvement.

Paul Merton In India is a different kettle of fish. Merton’s in his element here, as the atmosphere is markedly more chaotic. This gives him the scope to make his witticisms to camera without so much of a reaction. The general hubbub around him means he is ignored, to some extent. He’s part of a constant movement rather than the focus and the show benefits from this change.

In episode one, Merton visited a gentleman called Bubbles who saved a city from exploding using guile and breathtaking bravery. Rather than focus on why missiles were being driven nearby and how one of them caught fire, we followed the story from Bubbles’ point of view and discovered that he put it all down to his worship of a Goddess. A Goddess who protects rats. He led Merton and his charming guide to a nearby temple where they hung out with the rodents and it was all very sweet, if not a little odd.

Things took an even stranger turn when PM hung out at a religious festival in honour of Shiva which featured naked disciples twisting their penises in all directions. Five didn’t shirk from showing this footage. I’m glad I wasn’t eating my dinner when the sight of a block of cement suspended from a bell end flashed on screen, filmed from behind, from the vantage point of the disciple’s arse-crack. Merton was speechless. The viewer was speechless. When offered a chillum packed with weed, PM toked on it like a man possessed, presumably to soften the blow of the visual assault. By the end of this sequence, he was visibly stoned out of his face – like an aged, slightly flabby Bruce Parry, intoxicated in the near-wilderness. It was great stuff.

On top of all this, having sat through a bizarre, faux-accident in a weird, nightmare flight simulator, Merton accidentally jumped out of the emergency door the wrong way, bounced on his head and fell arse over tit. It was one of the funniest things I’ve seen all year. The programme was littered with these amusing little accidents and it triumphed as a result.

Over on BBC1 in a Sunday night slot made available since Martin Clunes stopped fannying about with his dogs on ITV, Stephen Fry pretended to drive around America in a black cab. In Stephen Fry in America, he started his journey in Maine, speaking to fishermen engaged in catching lobsters. We didn’t learn much from this exhange, except that lobster-catchers in Maine are apparently the best in the world. But then, they would say that, wouldn’t they?

  • Later, Fry went hunting deer with some men who covered themselves in deer-poo. No deer made itself known, in the event, so Fry moved on.
  • He went to the Ben & Jerry’s factory and made some ice cream. Visitors to the factory enjoyed his mixture.
  • He went to Washington and talked to a satirist you’ll not have heard of.
  • He went to a Casino to act as croupier. He spoke to a Vietnamese lady who couldn’t understand his accent.
  • He went to speak with Sting, the self-styled Englishman in New York. Sting likes it in New York (when he’s not loitering in European brothels). This section was absolutely infuriating.
  • He spoke to an old man who pretends to be Abraham Lincoln for a living about the Gettysburg address.

And that was about it.

With Fry’s effort it didn’t seem items were linked by anything other than the location of the States – and several of these were completely glossed over with a fleeting apology. This was an episodic array of set pieces, all featuring Fry as he met with everyday, unremarkable Americans. There was something missing here. As with Dave Gorman’s recent America Unchained series, the central premise was flawed so momentum wasn’t allowed to build. Was Fry studying the history of America? The social relations between Americans? Was it an effort in cultural understanding? Or was it just a shallow toe in every one of those puddles, with too little exploration for it to be as engaging as it could have been?

If it was none of these things, then it should have dropped its game and opted to go for the same silly approach that Merton’s crew took. As it stands, Fry’s effort was a touch too earnest and less entertaining as a result.

His series may well improve as time goes on and Merton’s may well degenerate, but from episode one of either vehicle, Merton leads with a goal to nil.

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262 Responses to “Merton In India / Fry in America”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t see the Merton thing, but I did watch the Fry one and it left me a bit cold. Visting all 50 states is a gimmick and, as there’s only six episiodes, it means Fry can’t go into anything but the sketchiest of detail about any of them. Vermont was summed up in a shitty Perry Como song, and Maryland wasn’t mentioned at all.

    A waste, I thunk.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Worth catching up on Merton’s. If only for the section at the Shiva festival where he smokes herb and gets funky with some naked guru types.

  3. indy Says:

    “Was Fry studying the history of America? The social relations between Americans? Was it an effort in cultural understanding? Or was it just a shallow toe in every one of those puddles, with too little exploration for it to be as engaging as it could have been?”

    probably it’s just fry in america. no more no less.

  4. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    You’ll find Merton went to China for Five last year, mate….

  5. Napoleon Says:

    That ‘mate’ on the end was a bit aggressive, Clair … sorry … ‘Edna’.

    I don’t want to watch Paul Merton in India, d’ye hear? I used to know a bloke who went to India for six months a year. I’m Indiaed up.

  6. indy Says:

    …and now we’re waiting for “fry in darfur”. let’s see what the sudanese supported militia thinks about your wit and oneliners. smug %&#”*#!

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, Edna (Clair). I pointed that out. What’s your point there? (mate)

  8. charliemingles Says:

    Very nice post sir. I havent seen either of these shows, but was planning to watch the Stephen Fry one at some point.

    I offer my own cultural analysis here:

  9. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Send a celebrity to a weird location, get him/her stoned, film the result. I’d watch that. Fern Britton swooning on crack in Tirana. Des O’Connor off his tits on mescaline in Terra del Fuego. Lorraine Kelly buzzing on speed in Ho Chi Mihn City. Michael Barrimore all lovey-dovey on extacy in Basra.
    Merton is a trail-blazer.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    probably it’s just fry in america. no more no less.

    Just sitting there, in a deck chair? That happens to be in America?


  11. Swineshead Says:

    Barrymore does Disco Biscuits in Basra?

    I’d buy that for a dollar…

  12. Napoleon Says:

    I’d watch a travelogue of Jim Davidson in Africa. You could take bets each week on how far down the continent he gets before being bayonetted.

  13. charliemingles Says:

    I’d commission that Napoleon. So long as he has to speak in his ‘hilarious’ Chalky White voice the whole time. I doubt he’d make it past passport control.

  14. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jim Davidson in South Central LA would be even cooler. Chillin’ with the Bloods.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    That Chalky voice was a side-splittingly funny, Mingles. I remember my grandad – a man who falls just a little to the right of Oswald Mosely in his politics – used to laugh his head off whenever Jim came on and did that ground-breaking impression. Nick nick!

    (Because the black fellas say ‘Nick nick!’, see?)

  16. Clarry Says:

    Hmm, might watch the PM in India one now, as i’ve avoided it like the plague due to the cringeathon of the PM in China series. I like PM in some formats, but I think he has a slightly aggressive and irritable undertone, which I find a bit unsettling.

    The Fry offering last night was weird wasn’t it? I wouldn’t mind an interesting prog with no particular goal, like with Palin or even PM (as you quite rightly point out), but I didn’t think Fry’s subjects were particularly worthy of a special visit (again, think you already said that). And why waste the tiny slot on NYC on that moron Sting? Isn’t it a programme about America? It was just all too bitty, too serious and self-indulgent and didn’t gel at all well. V Poor.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    That was its problem, Clarry. We got about six minutes on the capital of the country. That’s as daft as doing a programme on the UK, and fitting in London three minutes before the closing credits. It’s too rushed because he has to get all these states in.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    By the way. While you were all damaging your brains watching offal such as X-Factor, I was watching a programme called ‘Railways In Fiction & Film’ I’d recorded off of BBC 4. The show was adequate, but what sticks most in the memory (and in my nightmares) was the hideousness of the presenter’s nose. Have a see what you think …

    Got any foul TV presenter noses of your own you’d care to share?

  19. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That’s some nose all right. Frightening.
    I know she is not a presenter, but I’ve always found Jodi Marsh’s nose quite intriguing.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    The weird extra bit on this man’s nose is repeated on the other side. And it’s purple.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Slightly hypocritical there, NC, considering your nose looks like a bruised kiwi fruit.

    Pete Postlethwaite’s got a curious conk, for a Hollywood star.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    And it’s slightly hypocritical of you to criticise my nose when yours looks like a parrot’s beak, Swineshead.

  23. Toothed Varmint Says:

    My nose is beau-ti-ful.
    As for the rest of me… Ah, well.

  24. piqued Says:

    I saw Merton in India but didn’t see Fry in America

    Do I win £5?

  25. Clarry Says:

    I don’t have any foul TV presenter noses to share with you, but I do fear the pockmarked face of that aged sergeant from Heartbeat. I can’t find a picture of him because my internet seems to be functioning at a snail’s pace today.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    I remember that man. He looked like he’d suffered from smallpox as a boy. You don’t get that now nobody gets the pox. A shame.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Surely that Heartbeat kind of nose can only be achieved through the endless imbibing of industrial level spirits?

    I thought that was how you managed to make your conk take on the shape, texture and brittle nature of a scarlet golf ball, NC?

  28. Clarry Says:

    As for weird noses (albeit non-famous), I met an art historian recently whose drink riddled and gout infested nose spread, quite literally, across about a third of his face. It was so enormous it had an almost hypnotic effect. I couldn’t take my eyes off it and all the bumps and holes and the big hairs sprouting out of it. Eugh!

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – you don’t win anything till you install a fucking toilet in your blog, I was busting for a piss when I was commenting in there and you didn’t even have a bedpan for guests, you inhuman monster.

    Would all readers of WWM kindly visit and demand that toilet facilities be installed immediately?


  30. Dave Says:

    Will Self in Europe would be good. ‘Cept it’d take him about six episodes to finish reeling off some ellaborate sentence regarding the aesthetic disenfranchment of the common eggcup between 1806 and 1996.

    We need morons to show us around places. Folk running around and shrieking with joy whilst making windmills with their arms.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – they’ve already done that – I saw some show late night on Bravo where Steve Jones went around doing things like drinking moonshine with hillbillies. And I think Clarry told me he smoked salvia on it.

    Who does salvia these days anyway? MORONS LIKE STEVE JONES (that’s who).

  32. Clarry Says:

    Either my computer is dying or your site’s gone weirdz. I fear I may lose all contact shortly. So long chums, so long…

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Eh? What’s happened Clarry?

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – My nose has taken on its current ghastly shape thanks to disagreements I’ve had in the past with certain Lincolnshire gentlemen who have taken exception to my awful personality and my attempts to molest their womenfolk. Only now is it undergoing a hideous, booze-fuelled transformation that will – in a mere five years – give off the appearance that I’ve taped a piece of purple sprouting broccoli to my face.

    That’s my excuse. As a lilly-livered, Guardian-reading, liberal weasel who wouldn’t know a fight if it punched him in the face, what possible excuse can YOU have for that carbuncle that dominates your entire head?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Did someone mention Jodie Marsh’s nose? I got distracted.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    When you say Steve Jones, I suppose you’re not talking about the geneticist, are you?

  37. Dave Says:

    My nose is all crooked because I valiantly stepped-up when a girl was being touched-up in a public house. Little did I know the two beefheads sat at the bar were his mates.

    The Vulcan mind-meld did nothing. Not a thing.

  38. piqued Says:

    Well hang on there. I offered you a private service, I can’t be doing that for everyone can I

    Can I?

    *gargles bleach*

  39. Swineshead Says:

    NC, as well you know, the reasons for my bulbous, child-scaring proboscis also have their roots in rural Lincolnshire – as well as the northern city of Sheffield.

    In Lincolnshire I drove a car into a ditch in the early hours of the morning and found my perfect hooter embedded in the steering wheel.

    A couple of years down the line, a bouncer decided he didn’t like my face in a nightclub – so he smashed the face and my nose with it, leaving it broken in a second place.

    Having left it untended for two days whilst I went on a wholly necessary booze-rampage, I finally made it to A&E where they prodded it a bit, put cocaine solution up it then said I was stuck with it.

  40. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jodi Marsh rocks! And wobbles.
    I use to love reading her blog, until I got sick of her.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you’re docked points there because what you did was an attempt at being valiant. Did it break? It’s quite a sound when your nose gets properly cracked.

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t trust anybody with my nose. I broke my own nose myself when I was 4. I threw a stick at a tree and it bounced right into my face.
    I hate trees.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a classic for me today. No-nonsense ham and mustard sandwiches, a ‘Big Eat’ bag of ready salted crisps and a pot of of Twinings 1706 blend tea. I don’t fuck about when it comes to tea, me.

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Good lunch that. 8/10.
    I’m going for an omelette and chips. (9/10)

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – I jumped on a football when I was thirteen to see what would happen. The results of my experiment were:

    A broken arm.
    Ridicule from my (paedo) sports teacher.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    How does an omelette and chips score nine points, yet ham sandwiches, crisps and tea score eight? Surely it should be the other way round?

    You’re fiddling this new game o’ yours, you are.

  47. Dave Says:

    Cheese and pesto sandwich, mini cheddars an apple and a glass of semi-skimmed.

    I win.

  48. Nick T Says:

    Hooray, an article about a show I saw!

    The Paul Merton (PM) very good. I was a little woried after the dogs breakfast that was a Paul Merton in China. The onnly thing that worried me was how fucking ill and pale he looked. Mind you so did I when I was there. I also met a gut who tied massive rocks to his willy….crazy dayz….innit?

  49. Nick T Says:

    I have started the vegetarian Atkins diet and am full of cheese……

  50. Toothed Varmint Says:

    We’ve lived a life, Napoleon. Today’s mollycoddled good-for-nothing namby-pamby youths don’t even know they are born*.

    *This expression always puzzles me.

  51. indy Says:

    “in secondary school everything was about” jodie’s tits but i never got that far. i got hypnotised by her strange nose.

    and speaking of noses: footballer jean-pierre papin, fellow frenchman gerard depardieu and barry manilow. there some noses for y’all. and karl malden, from “streets of san fransisco”!

  52. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I haven’t even had breakfast yet…

  53. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I shall have a hot bacon sandwith with plenty of red sauce, a can of ginger beer, an apple and a fag.
    10/10 according to my scoring system.

  54. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Sandwich… not sandwith. Hicken syndrome…

  55. Clarry Says:

    SH – Page went all in Times New Roman and in numbered lines.

    Also, I’m fairly certain that Jodie Marsh’s nose is in that state despite already having had a nose job. How could that nose’ve been worse?

    NC – Hey, nearly snap! I’ve got cheese topped rols with quorn smoked ham and mild mustard pickle, chocolate digestives and a cup of tea.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Snap? You’re eating a pretend meat and pickle sandwich, and you reckon we’re in the snapping zone, you and I? That lack of protein has frazzled your brain, woman. I suggest you go on a crash diet of meat immediately.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Varmint – They DON’T know they’re born, you’re right. There’s a load of hoo-ha at the minute about a school wot’s locking up kids in a dark room if they piss about. What’s wrong with that? I’d tear their damned arses off with a cat-o-nine-tails if I was in charge of school discipline.

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Watchdog with Nicky Campbell is back tonight. The man is hilarious.

  59. Clarry Says:

    Did anyone watch Britain’s got the Pop Factor blah blah… last night? The first segment was quite amusing I thought, but the second installment was a bit drawn out for my liking.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    Varmint wins the day with his bacon and ginger beer fusion. That’s a ten out of ten, right there.

    Clarry’s sadly only riding with five out of ten (it’s the Quorn element) whilst Dave has a miserly 5. Milk’s not for drinking cold – you’re meant to drop it in tea, you fool!

    Nick has yet to score, as any Atkins diet equals instant disqualification.

    There’s some good noses, Indy – well played.

  61. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am in total agreement with you, Napoleon. I did teach a bit in my previous life. Just a bit, mind. But that was enough to aquire a life-long fear of large crowds of children. Or not so large crowds. Or just individual kids.

  62. Dave Says:

    Haha. My Reception teacher locked us in the cupboard AND hit us over the head with the Encyclopedia Britannia (which she brought in just for the job) if we stepped out of line.

    Did me no harm, as I’ve just spelt in my own faeces on the floor.

  63. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry – I didnt watch it but have it recorded out of curiosity.

    I’m having a bowl of mixed nuts and a cup of tea. Being in the Arts – Ive never done anything manly enough to break my nose. Though I did break my pinkie once playing with my girlfriend’s dog. That impressed them at the BBC I can tell you, I was like Bear Grylls.

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I gave up on that X Factor piss-take during the auditions bit which registered a zero on my funnyometer.

  65. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Wow, I won! I won! Never in my wildest lunchtime dreams… I would like to thank my parents for developing and nurturing my perfect taste in lunches; my colleagues and contemporaries for being not as good as me; and most of all – prime-minister Putin, because I can’t risk not to thank him. Thank you, thank you all! You like me, you really like me!!!

    *blubs, heaves, is forcefully led away from the podium*

  66. Napoleon Says:

    You wouldn’t have been in fear of large crowds of children had you had the power to thrash your way through the throng with a cane, Varmint. I was on a bus the other day, and a woman’s little shit of a kid was screaming insults at her. I gave her a sympathetic smile, and she turned to me and said,

    “What can you do with her, eh?”
    “Hit her?” I replied.

    Didn’t win any friends from that encounter.

    And I still don’t agree that your fucking omelette beats my sandwich, Swineshead. Obviously, I ain’t disputing the bacon sandwich ruling – beats everything, does that.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I’m in the arts, and have done lots of manly bone-breaking things. You can’t use the arts as an excuse – you’re just soft. Strange for a Scotchman, that. Usually you people are like wound-up springs.

  68. charliemingles Says:

    What can I say Napoleon. Im an enigma.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    You’re not an enigma, you’re just soft. Let’s have less of you blaming your softness on ‘being in the arts’. Some of the world’s greatest roisterers and fighters were in the arts. And one of our most famous alumni, Adolf Hitler, didn’t exactly shy away from violence, did he?

  70. Clarry Says:

    “I gave up on that X Factor piss-take during the auditions bit which registered a zero on my funnyometer.”

    I did get funnier as it went along. But couldn’t believe they managed to spin the final song and the results out for another 45 minutes.

  71. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve remembered a self-deprecating joke about Russian character. It’s uncannily accurate.

    A plane crashed over an unknown territory and there were only 4 survivors – a Frenchman, an Englishman, an American and a Russian. They were caught by the tribe who lived in those undiscovered territories and brought before their chief. The chief didn’t want a quick meal, he wanted long-lasted amusement. He wanted to check the prisoners’ mental and spiritual strength. Each prisoner was given two large ball-bearings and each put naked in a small empty cave. The caves were sealed. The prisoners were told that they would be freed if they could come up with something truly interesting using just two ball-bearings in a small sealed empty cave. They were given a month to do so. The winner would be spared, the losers would be eaten, you can’t get fairer than that.
    In a month’s time the caves were open and the results observed.
    The Frenchman had learned to juggle two ball-bearings with his feet.
    The Englishman had managed to train some ants to roll on ball-bearings and perform circus tricks.
    The American had trained himself to balance with his right big toe on two stacked ball-bearings.
    But the Russian won the contest. He managed to lose one ball-bearing and break the other.

  72. charliemingles Says:

    In my experience it’s only psychos, the mentally-challenged and poncy middle-class schoolboys attempting to gain some street cred – that get into fights.

    You can talk your way out of most violent situations if you have a mind to. I had enough of that shit at school.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    “You can talk your way out of most violent situations if you have a mind to. I had enough of that shit at school.”

    Not spent much time in Lincolnshire, then?

    *imagines trying to ‘talk my way out’ of some of the fights I’ve ended up in with bullock-brained Lincolnshire psychos*
    *fails to imagine it*

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Most Middle-Class Post of the Day Award:

  75. Clarry Says:

    “I’m having a bowl of mixed nuts and a cup of tea.”

    For your dinner? Is that all CM?

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Your best bet, when drawn into combat* in Lincolnshire, is to keep your mouth shut and try to only get whacked once. If you speak, you’ll get whacked more than once, if you fight back, his mates’ll miraculously bound round the corner to join in the fun.

    *this generally starts with an ugly man in a pub homoerotically staring you out, then asking what you were looking at, then telling you not to speak to him, then shoving you out of the door in front of your pals. A crowd gathers.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Not much of a lunch, that.

  78. charliemingles Says:

    Fair enough NC. I played the electric guitar at school, quite well. Amazingly that saved me from many a kicking. The phrase ‘ No, he’s alright …’ was often ringing in my ears as the psychos passed me by.

  79. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >You can talk your way out of most violent situations if you have a mind to.

    Not spent some time in the Soviet Army, then, also.

    Fights with Chechens, Tajiks, Mordvins, Chuvashs, Kazakhs, Uzbeks, Armenians, Georgians, I could go on. I don’t mean military fights with nations, no, just everyday fights between soldiers of different nationalities with Russians and with each other.

    Talk would get you nowhere. Well, it’ll get you a broken face.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    NC – Something jars in that post (aside from the teeth-grating gap year thing) and that’s the use of ‘Mum’. The word ‘Mum’ said with a slightly posh accent doesn’t half make the ears bleed.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Further to Swineshead’s advice (which didn’t always work in Lincoln, by the way), try not to gte drawn into this conversation:

    “My mate said you called me a puff.”
    “No, I didn’t call you a puff.”
    “So you’re calling my mate a liar?”
    “Oh, so you DID call me a puff!”
    “Wait a minute!”


    Or this classic:

    “You lookin’ at my bird?”
    “So you’re saying my bird’s ugly?”
    “So you WERE looking at my bird?”
    “Wait a minute!”


    Talk your way out of those fuckers, if you can.

  82. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry – yes. I need looking after.

    SH – Kirkcaldy, my home town was/is still very like that. Luckily for me, I moved out when I was 18 and hardly ever went back; preferring instead to hang around with nice, kind middle-class people and impress posh girls with stories of my rough upbringing. Just a mention of my council house and the fact that my dad was a van driver and TUC shop steward usually did the trick.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – The guitar wouldn’t have worked in my old town. They’d have seen you as a poofter, and wrapped the guitar round your head.

    Swineshead – The gap-year + at university in Sao Paolo got me. Reminded me both of that arsehole boy the Guardian foolishly published the blog of, and the Independent thinking I’d give a fuck what Richard Branson’s ‘explorer’ son thought about the world he travels around in on his dad’s money.

    You can throw that twat Charlie Boorman in there too, if you like.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    You do get these bastards everywhere. They’ve developed a coded set of pre-smackdown queries that are completely impenetrable.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    It used to annoy me that there was no way out. You either called their mate a liar, or you called ’em a poof. You couldn’t bloody win. I used to spend hours back at my house trying to figure out a way of getting out of their word games, then gave in and started hoofing ’em in the balls whenever one of ’em started asking me if I was looking at their bird’s tits.

  86. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry – if you make me a sandwich I promise I will eat it. whats on it?

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – You might regret that. Clarry’s a vegetarian, so your sandwich is likely to contain weeds, twigs and fish.

  88. charliemingles Says:

    Im sitting here with a bowl of nuts and a cup of decaiffeinated tea Napoleon.

    Im not iny any place to complain.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    Well it’s your funeral, Mingles. Don’t come crying to me when you get food poisoning off of bird food.

  90. Nick T Says:

    I played in a band that had a guy from Kirkcaldy playing drums.
    I think his name was Chris and he had a blue Honda Bluebird. Perhaps you know him CM.
    I had a goats cheese and pecan nut salad
    *wins hands down*
    A dvd of Peter Kays thing has just landed on my desk, it sounds good.

    Last time I had a fist fight 1976, I won. Punched Andrew Keywood straight on the nose causing the big baby to cry and accuse me of wearing a ring.
    I’ve never wanted to repeat the scene ecept on BMM driver on the M3

    I may have been the only person to have watched the Julian Bream tribute on B4 last Friday. Splendid…

  91. Napoleon Says:

    “I had a goats cheese and pecan nut salad
    *wins hands down*”

    I’m sure you would win if Swineshead’s competition was ‘Most Poncified Lunch of the Day’. What are you? French?

  92. charliemingles Says:

    chris from Kirkcaldy Nick? sure, I know him, say hello fro -..

    Oh, hold on. there are two chris’ in Kirkcaldy. Also, amazingly, they both play the drums. Which one would that be?

    I have a review of that Julian Bream show in ny drafts folder Nick. I wrote it when I was pished though, so its shite. I was surprised by his accent. Always assumed he was posh. also enjoyed the alan yentob thing about the guitar.

    Im afraid I was one of those pathetic teenagers who fantasised about having a wall of guitars like mike oldfield did in the sleeve notes for tubular bells. still do, to be honest.

  93. Nick T Says:

    I’m beleedin’ sfistikatid..

    *puts up dukes*

  94. Nick T Says:

    I noticed that Yentob travelled al lthe way to the Mississippi delta, shooting a doc about the guitar and couldn’t find any black people worth mentioning.
    Some redneck guitar maker “Eric Clapton had to wait ten years for one” yeah right, sure he did.
    The Django bit was wonderful with poor old Bert Weedon (gray in a day) tearful as he recals meeting the two fingered wonder. The faux silent film segments also anoyed the fuck out of me.
    I could go on………

  95. charliemingles Says:

    PS Nick: those honda things were shite. poor bastard.

    The worst I ever had to play was a tokai strat. spent my entire terms grant on that and had to work in victoria wine for a year.

    Still, smash an unopened bottle of whisky (keeping the screwtop intact), strain it thorough some cotton into an empty plastic schweppes bottle and you could get pissed for free all night and still claim it back form Grouse.

    I left when my boss, who kept getting beaten up by her lesbian lover ( now she was hard) eventually stole the float to go on holiday to greece.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    *puts up cannons*

    I don’t want to fight ye, Nick, but if I must, I must. With your poncified food.

    I think I may know Chris from Kirkcaldy, actually. Thin fella? Looks a bit like a cancerous Proclaimer?

  97. Nick T Says:

    Chris was ginger, I think he may have worked in a video shop. Skinny with a Van Morrison obsesion.

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Did you see the second part of the show?

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I’m thinking of a differnet Chris from Kirkcaldy. Are there perhaps THREE of these Chris fellas in the town?

  100. Nick T Says:

    Yentobs guitar thing? Ahhh the second ep you mean?

    Erm was it all about Skip James et al?

  101. Nick T Says:

    I hate the Yentob, that could have clouded my usually crystal clear opinions…

  102. charliemingles Says:

    Clarry – wheres my sandwich you dozy cow! Im sitting here starving.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – There was a lot of Mark Knopfler in it (my dad got me a guitar for my birthday, and all I could make was this lousy Dire Straits album). And I was amazed to discover Les Paul’s still alive and still touring.

  104. Nick T Says:

    Ask the Chris’s if any of them played with a band called Russians about twenty years ago.
    I hope he’s still got the Honda, he loved that car….

  105. Nick T Says:

    There’s a Les Paul doc on this week..

    17th BBC4 21.00 “Les Paul Chasing ound” 90 minutes.

  106. Nick T Says:

    There’s a Les Paul doc on this week..

    17th BBC4 21.00 “Les Paul Chasing Sound” 90 minutes. He narrates his own doc. I think he invented multi track recording or some shit….

  107. Clarry Says:

    When I used to work in a pub in the town SH and NC speak of, there used to be a couple that frequented it that I was terrified of. He used to work in the pub as a dj and his girlfriend was double hard, completely unreasonable and exceptionally jealous and would fly at and attack anyone who so much as walked near her boyf. After making such a scene he would punish her (and his unwitting victim) by flirting with another girl, who would almost certainly be beaten to a paste by his psycho girlfriend as soon as she saw them together (i.e. talking). Sometimes the girlfriend would mix it up and return the favour by almost having full sex on the floor with any willing passer by just to spite her boyfrind – the end result was similar to that described above. These two were so unreasonable and volatile it was more than my life’s worth just to serve them a drink…

    CM – Don’t worry it won’t have twigs and weeds in it… When I was a carnivore I always used to like a chicken, stuffing and cranberry sauce sandwich on thick, white doorstep bread. Would that do?

    *hands CM virtual sandwich*

  108. charliemingles Says:

    three napoleon. what do you think it is – New york?

    two maybe. at a push. I know two drummers from kirkcaldy. Kenny, cant remember his surname, but he was a friend of my pals big brother and he taught us to do the ‘mummy’daddy’ riff on the setee.

    Also another guy, who name I cant remember. I swapped him my xylophone for an industrial grey limited edition version of Devo’s first album.

    I hope that helps.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I can handle two doses of Les in one week. Apart from lending his name to a guitar, he’s not that interesting a character. I’d prefer to watch a documentary that goes behind the scenes on the set of a pornographic movie. Now if only there were some sort of television channel that catered for that sort of thing …

  110. Dave Says:

    ‘There was a lot of Mark Knopfler in it (my dad got me a guitar for my birthday,’

    Get out. Now.

  111. Nick T Says:

    What kind of xylophone was it?

    Could be the same guy…

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Get out, Dave? Jesus, you don’t like Dire Straits, do you? Who else? Mike & The Mechanics? Genesis? Starship?


  113. charliemingles Says:

    thanks clarry. no wonder youre a basket case working in that place.

    *bites sandwich. tastes of porn and conspiracy theories*

    Mmmm. nice.

    Luckily up here in scotland, nutcases like that usually meet another very slightly more insane nutcase and they kill each other, leaving the rest of us alone to take the sensible option and drink ourselelves to death.

    Theres usually a man in his 50’s with homemade tatoos and a young wife who, having learnt the error of his ways late in life and been tamed by his young blonde pontailed heavily-fertile bride – does the job of making sure they meet up. A handy old scottish tradition. if they both have weapons, it makes it all the quicker and easier for all concerned.

  114. Clarry Says:

    Err, watch it CM… I saw your comment of 1.06pm. No more sandwichs for you Mr. My computer’s playing up today.

  115. Nick T Says:

    There was a documentary that went begind the scenes at a porn film. There was series, some guy, American, hang out with his young son.

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Guitars are like cars – useful, but if you fetishise them you’re loopy.

  117. charliemingles Says:

    Nick: I think he was called titch somerville. very nice guy and was playing semi-pro while still at school. it’ll be a fucking small world if it is. Ian somerville, I think was his name, friend of my brothers.

    the ‘titch’ was thankfully non-ironic. he was just quite short.

  118. charliemingles Says:

    cheap xylophone: i bought it after getting into Klaus Schultz

  119. Napoleon Says:

    It’s always good to get the kids involved with your job. Brings you closer together.

    Dire Straits … ho ho!

  120. Swineshead Says:

    Nick T: Porn – A Family Business is the show you speak of.
    It’s fucking shit. Dubious, morally wrong and ethically redundant. A proper heap of turd.

  121. Dave Says:

    SH – Could I do my weekly family shop in a car, or simply strum it badly in my room?

  122. Swineshead Says:

    Klaus Schultz is great. Well – that Badlands tune is great. The rest of it’s a bit dreary.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    “Guitars are like cars – useful, but if you fetishise them you’re loopy.”

    *stops rolling stockings down neck of Fender Strat*

    What was that?

  124. Nick T Says:

    Naw, Chris tall and lanky.
    Has your brother got any more friends? It might be one of them.

  125. Swineshead Says:

    Aha – very good everyone – you wilfully misunderstood my point!
    I love you guys.

    *fucks exhaust pipe of Capri*

  126. Dave Says:

    So. What guitars do we all own?

    I own a Strat. A midnight wine one that’s shiney!!!!

    (I’ve exhausted the Strat option now, so own something else or forever remain mute.)

  127. Napoleon Says:

    But seriously, folks. I have it on good authority that Dave shits on his floor in the same way a rat leaves droppings on the newspaper in the bottom of its cage. And he wanks in the dark. Like a bat. A wanking bat.

  128. Nick T Says:

    Family Business, yep it was a wrong en.

    The guy that was (played) his agent or summink, was he an actor in something else?
    It was on during my “Pats Home Grown” phase, it’s all a little hazy.

  129. piqued Says:

    I agree with SH (I’ve been out to the builders merchants) Porn A family Business is reprehensible. It wouldn’t be a problem if they didn’t keep focussing on what a great dad the main protagonist is and having all that fucking soppy music every time we see his soon-to-be-sex-case son

  130. piqued Says:

    What the fuck is ‘midnight wine’

  131. Clarry Says:

    I don’t own one, but I bought an Epiphone Les Paul for my other half. It is a cherry sunburst colour.

  132. charliemingles Says:

    I played in a shite comedy-music double act called the McTonto Brothers during the Fringe. And even we got loads of groupies, just cause I played the guitar.

    Unfortunately, our career was cut short when the club we played in gastallweekendo ( or something) got closed down for under-age drinking and people having sex under the tables. I like to think it was our mix of comedy magic and swordfencing that caused it. I remember a 14-year-old hysterical schoolgirl reaching under my kilt and grabbing my balls with both hands when we were onstage. I say ‘stage’ …

    All down to a telecustom copy and a battery amp.

  133. Dave Says:

    NC – A wanking bat? You mean upside down whilst being fed Fruit Gums by a ten-year-old boy? Nothing wrong with that, all perfectly healthy.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know if I’ve seen this porn show. Who’s in it?

    (Dave shits on his floor)

  135. Swineshead Says:

    I like the bits in P:AFB when Seymour Butts (I think that’s his name – I’m no expert) ALWAYS takes some young porn actress to his room at the end of the show and says ‘sorry – no cameras’ before the credits roll.

    He demands privacy, as he needs to concentrate HARD when spreading herpes up a stranger’s shitpipe using his tiny winkle.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Shtting on your own floor’s not healthy, Dave.

  137. Swineshead Says:

    I own a fender 12 string acoustic number (actually I half-nicked it), a yellow Squire telecaster (which does the job) and a cheap as chips 6 string acoustic.
    And a ukulele, a knackered banjo, a squeezebox, a glockenspiel and some maracas.

  138. Dave Says:

    NC -It’s onto a newspaper. I’m not a fucking animal.

    Piqued – It’s a colour that’d blow your little metalhead’s mind (girly purple).

  139. piqued Says:

    … I also get annoyed by this phrase ‘porn star’

    I don’t really see the celebrity factor and subsequent adoration allowing 3 fat men to spunk all over your face whilst referring to you as ‘fucking ho’

  140. charliemingles Says:

    Dave: I now have an electric blue american strat and a vox amp. I hardly ever play them though. I bought a cheap classical guitar back in 1984 and I usually plonk away on that. dont need to plug the fucker in and my inspiration, like peter stringfellows erection, doesnt last long enough for me to plug anything in.

  141. Swineshead Says:

    Still no fucking toilet in here:

  142. Napoleon Says:

    Seymour Butts? I’ve seen millions of his films. There was one girl he used to go out with who stupidly tattooed ‘Seymour Butts’ across the top of her buttocks. I bet she regrets that now.

    (Though probably not as much as she regrets the fact her kids can find her on the internet getting shagged up the arse.)

  143. Nick T Says:

    Got loads but my fave is my Aria 12 string that I’ve had since I was 18 and my Wal bass. I do love my sitar but don’t get to play it that much…

  144. Napoleon Says:

    The lack of toilet facilities on that site is scandalous.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t own any guitars. Does an imaginary guitar that comes out when I’m drunk count? I can play a pretty wicked version of Run To The Hills on my imaginary Fibson Stratopaulster.

  146. charliemingles Says:

    Im impressed that you own so much musical junk SH. Usually girlfriends use the ‘ its me or the glokenspiel’ line within three weeks. She must be very understanding.

    my pal bought a drum kit a few years back – even though, despite being quite a good drummer he was not in a band, the flat was too small and he couldnt play them as the neighbours complained. I remember visiting and his pathetic attempts to placate his girlfriend while he tried to sell them – using the cymbals to hang-dry dish towels etc (the only place it woud fit was in the kitchen-dining room)

    Has anyone ever met a drummer who didnt have an understanding girlfriend.

  147. charliemingles Says:

    SH: re schultz, I find Mirage quite hypnotic.

  148. piqued Says:

    Ray Mears is a good drummer

    (I should imagine)

  149. Dave Says:

    What guitar does Piqued have? I reckon something like a Jackson. A pink one.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued doesn’t own a guitar, he owns a lute.

  151. Do I not like that! Says:

    Swines…your squire tele…..where was it made?
    With the squires this is v important.

  152. charliemingles Says:

    whats the ray mears gag Piqued? I dont get that.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Probably something to do with wanking on his own in a wood, Mingles.

  154. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – no idea, I’m not a geek. It plays fine.

    Mingles – it’s all stashed in little corners. Unlike her shoes which are like a fungus on the carpet. She has footwear stations throughout the house. Here an ugg boot, there a flip flop, yonder a high heel…. oh look! a sandal! Here’s a wonderful welly. Is that a trainer I spy? etc…

  155. Do I not like that! Says:


  156. Dave Says:

    I love nothing more than to tighten my G-string until it snaps, whilst plucking heavily.

  157. Do I not like that! Says:

    Actually, just interested coz the Japanese ones were probably the bargains of the last century…

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Women and shoes, eh? That’s all they care about. That and gossiping and shopping and nagging and shit.

    Are you sure you don’t know where your guitar comes from? It’s VERY important, after all.


    5. The air that we breath
    4. The state of the oceans.
    3. Bringing water to the masses.
    2. The conservation of our natural resources.
    1. The geographical origin of Swineshead’s guitar.

  159. Dave Says:

    If it aint Mex or USA it’s poo. Aren’t the Jap ones essentially Squire quality?

  160. Swineshead Says:

    Could be Japanese, Mikey – I’ll maybe have a look later, if I can find it under the dustpile it’s sitting in…

  161. piqued Says:

    I have a Rickenbacker copy, an acoustic and a banjo

    I play the first one badly, the second one vaguely and last gathers dust

  162. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got a lamp in the shape of an elephant. Big, ugly brass thing it is. It comes from India. Is that the best place for big, ugly, elephant-shaped lamps to come from?

    I also own a vast collection of wooden birds on sticks. I like wooden birds on sticks.

  163. Do I not like that! Says:

    No Dave..the squier is not yank. They have been made in Japan, Mexico, S. Korea and China. It is arguable of course, but some would say that the Jap ones were better than the US Fenders.

  164. charliemingles Says:

    I was always under the impression that for Fender’s the USA model was tops, then mexico and then, I think, China. something like that.

    Inevitably, we sat on out laurels and the Chinese got better at making guitars. Now theyre maybe the best – though I havent played one so have no idea and am merely speculating wildy.

    *stops speculating wildly*

    If only a man could get a musical note out a womans shoe. wed all be happy and could live side by side on the keyboard – although personally I always thought that was more like keyboard aparteid and never saw how great it was.

  165. Swineshead Says:

    The missus got a ‘How to play the keyboard’ supplement free with her newspaper on Saturday. I got all enthusiastic, till I looked inside it and realised I’d have to learn to read music. ‘Fuck that’, I said, before picking up my trusty acoustic and knocking out the same three riffs I’m always playing.

    Birds on stick, Napoleon? Where were they made then?

  166. Dave Says:

    My old man has a banjo. They’re well weird to play.

    Did anybody, may I ask, watch the footage of some banjo-bloke getting his brain prodded with as he played said instrument? Awesome.

  167. charliemingles Says:

    I always dismissed the ukulele as a comedy instrument until a girl I met had a proper professional one. It had a beautiful melancholy, dreamy tone and was lovely to play. even had a wee baby flightcase. superb.

  168. Napoleon Says:

    Yorkshire, Swineshead. From what I can ascertain, Yorkshire is the worldwide hub of birds on sticks production. For those who fancy taking up this interesting – if slightly unhinged – hobby, your authentic bird on a stick should look like it’s had its legs sawn off, and then been impaled on a stick. I have some with legs, but they’re not as good.

  169. charliemingles Says:

    I could have told her how to play the keyboard SH:

    Right hand: three fingers, one keys space between them – stick to the white notes.

    left hand: one fingered bass on bottom end. stick to the white notes.

    cant go wrong.

  170. charliemingles Says:

    of course if anyone asks for the black notes, or god fobid, both at the same time …im fucked and I usually just call them a racist and leave.

  171. piqued Says:

    Then what do you do CM?

  172. Napoleon Says:

    It stinks over at your site today, Piqued.

  173. charliemingles Says:

    Piqued: I also own a saxophone and can play that badly also.

  174. charliemingles Says:

    PIqued: I was enjoying that neil young track but then stood in human faeces, whats al that about? some sort of political statement? an interactive arts piece perhaps? or just people shitting everwhere?

  175. piqued Says:

    I’m not a fan of the sax so I’m relieved; it’s been used three times in rock history when I’ve thought, mmm, I bloody love it

    1. Space Ritual -Hawkwind

    2. Baker Street -Gerry R

    3. Will you -Hazel O Connor

  176. piqued Says:

    I’m very sorry about that CM, I do ask patrons to poo and wee BEFORE they visit but the credit crunch has stopped all that

  177. Do I not like that! Says:

    Clarence Clemons does not qualify ..?

  178. Napoleon Says:

    Space Ritual? Ho ho! Load of shit. I’m off to watch Hawkwind live next month, alas. I’m crossing my fucking fingers that they don’t subject me to Space Ritual, I really am.

  179. piqued Says:

    I am seeing them in December

    No, they won’t subject you to Space Ritual NC, it was a one off show that took place in 1972 at The Roundhouse so unless you’re HG Wells there is more chance of your growing 42 penises on your elbow.

  180. Dave Says:

    I’m watching Hawkwind next month too. Who else is getting involved?

  181. charliemingles Says:

    I hate the sax in rock, although some obvious examples which prove the rule. its only really for jazz, and even then only untreated and accompanied by piano, acoustic bass, trumpet, and occassionally the voice of a singing prostitute.

    mostyl when I think of the saxophone in rock/pop I get a hideos image of david sandbourne.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    Thank fuck for that. I’m hoping to be so drunk, the whole Hawkwind experience will wash over me and I won’t notice. If all goes well, I’ll have no memory of one of the worst bands ever come the next day. Here’s hoping.

    Where are you seeing Hawkwind, Dave?

  183. piqued Says:

    How come next month, gig is 16th December

    I’m surprised that more than 1 person has admitted they even know who they are!

  184. piqued Says:

    NC, why are you seeing Hawkwind then?

  185. charliemingles Says:

    Does that big woman with the enormous godzillaesque skyscraper-destroying norks still dance along?

    She must be about 60 by now. It’d be worth the ticket price just to see that.

  186. Dave Says:

    15th December at Manchester Academy (he says after Googling dates).

  187. piqued Says:

    Stacia? No CM, she’s a grandmother now.

  188. charliemingles Says:

    thats precisely why she should be up there PIqued

  189. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Thery’re one of the headliners at this year’s Hard Rock Hell in a holiday camp in fucking Wales. Wales, November, Hawkwind & Thin Lizzy, yeah? YEAH?

    *feels the room seethe with envy*

  190. piqued Says:

    She used to be a garage attendant until Lemmy suggested she danced for the band.

    *free Piqued Hawkwind trivia*

  191. Nick T Says:

    The best way to blag playing the piano is to play chords only using the black notes..

    Next week The Flute…..

  192. Dave Says:

    Can I declare that I’m only going because Motorhead did a song called Motorhead what is well sweet and a guy called Lemming with a facial growth drink Jack Daniels and I admire that in a man but he isn’t in Hawkwind anymore?

    I was also in a Pub called The Salisbury (a rock haunt) last March when it was invaded by Hawkwind fans who wouldn’t let me have a cig in peace.


  193. Nick T Says:

    For proper instruction on playing the guitar….

    No sniggering!

  194. charliemingles Says:

    Dear Piqued: is it true that Lemmy is less than three feet high and only comes up to the first tuning peg on his fender bass?

  195. piqued Says:

    1 in 3 times I’ve seen Hawkwind Lemmy has turned up.

    Lemmy likes playing with Dave Brock claiming they have a unique understanding when playing.

  196. charliemingles Says:

    Someone should follow you around with a tape recorder dave. youre like some sort of idiot savante.

  197. Napoleon Says:

    This is where I’m off to, Piqued. Click through some of the arenas and feast your eyes on some of the stinkers they’ve got lined up for us. Oh yes.

  198. Dave Says:

    CM – I dug deep for that trivia. I’m sorry if it’s not up to Piqued’s standards, but ask me a question about Coldplay, Keane or my faves Starsailor and I’d blow him out the water.

  199. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’ve got a question about Coldplay:

    Have Gwyneth Paltrow’s tits got any bigger since Shakespeare In Love? In Iron Man, they look like they’re bigger tits.

  200. Nick T Says:

    What stopped Coldplay from making good music?

  201. piqued Says:

    NC, that website had be laughing like a goon, truly awful…

    TIGERTAILZ!!!! fucking hell

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Bet you’re kicking yourself that you won’t be there to watch Tigertailz at two in the morning, eh?

  203. Dave Says:

    Yes. She also looks far filthier these days too. I’d like to do her and Nina Persson at the same time with me one willy.

  204. Swineshead Says:

    *conjures WWM Most Sexist list*

  205. Napoleon Says:

    Expressing a desire to fuck someone puts you on the most sexist list? Aren’t you going to run out of paper?

  206. Swineshead Says:

    It’s the inappropriate use of the term ‘willy’ which I find degrading to mens.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    Degrading to men? Fair enough. In fact, now you’ve explained it to me, I’m beginning to feel downright degraded by Dave’s disgusting comment.

  208. Do I not like that! Says:

    Could some one please review those BT adds?

  209. Dave Says:

    But it’s me one willy. No one else need concern themselves in this scenario.

    *pops off for a ‘poo’*

  210. Napoleon Says:

    Those BT adds are SHIT.

    There you go.

  211. Do I not like that! Says:

    I need more than that…for my sanity!!!

  212. Dave Says:

    Has the bloke from My Family left that woman for good? She bounces from relationship to relationship, that bitch. And all because he wanted to pursue a career he loved.

    It’s the kids I feel sorry for, and no wireless phone will heal their damaged minds.

    …speaking of which, Colin Farrell has become a proper person these days, judging from J Ross. He was the most well-spoke and honest guest they’ve ever had.

  213. Do I not like that! Says:

    What about the bloomin’ holiday he smugly went off to book?

  214. Swineshead Says:

    I was shocked… SHOCKED by Colin Farrell. He came across very, very well. Seems like he’s a grown up now. Sad that he looked like a Bon Jovi roadie from the early 90s but he spoke very well and was quite funny to boot.

    Dave – your misogyny towards your own gender (if that’s possible) disgusts me.

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Colin Farrell was better spoken and more honest than Sir Roger Moore? Pah! You’re an arsehole, Dave.

  216. Napoleon Says:

    I’m enjoying the way BT are currently taking the piss out of me for subscribing to a TV package instead of their own pay-per-view version. Great way to influence me to switch suppliers, BT. You twats.

  217. Dave Says:

    I can’t stand that flamboyant bugger. He ruined the Bond franchise in my eyes.

  218. Swineshead Says:


    Jesus fucking wept! That’s blasphemy round these parts!

  219. Napoleon Says:

    Sean Connery did that in Diamonds Are Forever, Dave.

  220. Do I not like that! Says:

    And now for a joke as Sean Connery has been mentioned. Sorry if you have heard it before.

  221. Do I not like that! Says:

    Sean Connery gets a call from his agent.
    Agent: Sean can you be at the studo tomorrow for tennish?
    Sean: Tennish..? I haven’t played for ages and I am not sure where my racquet is.

  222. Do I not like that! Says:


  223. Napoleon Says:

    Heard a good ‘un I’ve not heard in a while on Wogan this morning:

    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

    Put it in a microwave until its (it’s) Bill Withers!

    Yes? YES?


  224. Dave Says:

    Lazenby was a good Bond. Why did people dislike On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, it was top? I never understood that.

  225. Napoleon Says:

    Not That Done Like It – I see what’s going on there. Sean is famous for the lisp that means he says the letter ‘s’ as ‘sh’. He wouldn’t say ‘tennis’, he’d say ‘tennish’. Therefore, in your joke, when his agent asks him if he can get to the studio for ‘tennish’, Sean thinks he means ‘tennis’. That’s way he goes onto say, “I haven’t played for ages and I am not sure where my racquet is.”

  226. Napoleon Says:

    People didn’t dislike OHMSS, they disliked Lazenby’s crummy Sean Connery impression. And he wasn’t a good Bond. He was a lunk of muscle with Sean Connery’s hair, a smirk, and an Australian accent.

  227. Dave Says:

    I though he’d had a atroke and that’s why he had slurred speech and couldn’t understand the man. His motor skills wouldn’t be up to scratch either, he’d be well shit.

  228. Do I not like that! Says:

    Well done Nap. I have alerted the RSPCA about your so called “joke”.

  229. Dave Says:


  230. Napoleon Says:


  231. charliemingles Says:

    Dave: a Starsailor query then: How come their first three singles on that first ep were excelent and theyve failed to produce anything even remotely decent since?

    Answer: that daft cunt that sings and writes the songs is too busy being happily married and playing with his adorable young kids to produce any angst. Once he leaves his wife in about 8 years, they should start producing decent music again.

  232. Dave Says:

    I hope you’re referring to their second studio album ‘Silence is Easy’, by far their best work thus far. It was produced by that firzzy haired bloke that liked to psychologically torture The Ramones with Pinball machines, fuck up John Lennon’s first solo album and watch his young son shag women – Phillip Spectrum, or something. His daughter was a huge fan I hear.

    But as for their future? All The Plans or Boy In Waiting is due for release mid-2009.

    Is that knowledge?

  233. charliemingles Says:

    no. I mean their first unsigned ep from 2001.

  234. Napoleon Says:

    You might have something there, Mingles. Love his stuff or loathe it, John Lennon only started producing the truly monumental stinkers such as Imagine, Woman, Give Peace A Chance and Whatever Gets You Thru the Night after he found love with that appalling, screeching, publicity-hungry monstrosity he insisted on marrying.

  235. Dave Says:

    Then your question’s a straw man because Silence is Easy (or SIE as we fans like to say) was their best album. I’m a fan so I know.

  236. Dave Says:

    NC – Your mistaken on two accounts. It was I that mentioned Lennon but I was talking about Phillip Spectrum, that sex beast that subdues his victims in a ‘wall of sound’ before thrusting upon their face.

  237. Swineshead Says:

    Phil Spector was an actual genius (and I’m not just throwing that word around lightly). God knows why he agreed to work with Starsailor.

  238. Dave Says:

    *You’re mistaken on two counts. (For people).

  239. Dave Says:

    SH – ‘God knows why he agreed to work with Starsailor.’ His daughter begged him to.

  240. charliemingles Says:

    It was an ep Dave, not an album. the one with fever. coming down and Love is Here on it. It was one of my favourite debuts, and I suppose I had too high expectations.

    Napoleon – I think John Lennon was finally getting what he wanted, a good proper shagging off someone foreign and dirty who reminded him of his mother. Say what you like about Yojo Ono, but I very much doubt she’d be demure in bed.

    richard ‘ alan patridge’ alinson is on the radio and hes playing shitty politi. is there a more irritating twat than their lead singer. I hate that song, sweetest fucking girl. shite.

  241. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I was writing that before your comment appeared, as it happens. I don’t need to take my cues from you when pouring scorn on the post-Beatles piffle that the massively overrated Lennon produced, thanks very much.

    And Swineshead’s right. Spector will be remembered long after Stairsailor have ‘sailed’ (see what I’ve done there?) into that distant ocean that we know as ‘The Sea of Obscurity’. Because they’re SHIT, see?

    You ugly little turd.

  242. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – If I’d have been lennon, I’d have stopped smacking Cynthia about (peace, man), bought her some flowers, apologised for smacking her about (all you need is love), then given her a bloody good rogering. Yoko looked like a wizened old Japanese man in a wig.

  243. Dave Says:

    The LOL in all of this is I actually can’t stand Starsailor. It was a funny!

    I really like Phil Spectors early work though, and I’ll always catch a documentary about him whenever one airs.

    The Ronettes (and The Stones) made Mean Streets and I love that blooming film. That’s how my brain works, that’s how I’ll judge him.

  244. Swineshead Says:

    As for ‘Green’ Gartside of Scritti Politti – I’ve had a drink with him before as he drinks in a pub I used to know as my local.

    I say ‘had a drink with him’, I actually mean a snide row with him about a political situation I have no understanding of. He gets a bit shirty, but I’m inclined to say that he’s a nice bloke.

    Huge beard he’s sporting, these days.

  245. charliemingles Says:

    cynthia was too clean though. shed insist you tipped your bowler hat as you ejaculated and even david blaine cant pull that off.

  246. Swineshead Says:

    Not so much a ‘LOL’, Dave – more a ‘WEB?’*

    *(why even bother?)

  247. Napoleon Says:

    The clean girls are often the dirtiest, Mingles. We had an all-girls’ grammar school in our town and, on the surface, they were all demure little madams who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. However, get one of ’em into bed, and sixteen years of sexual repression would have ’em tearing your cock from its anchor if you didn’t watch the ferocious little madams.

    I’ll bet Cynthia took it RIGHT up her arse.

  248. Dave Says:

    Because I’m hooked up to a headset in a callcentre and, for just a few short minutes, it made me feel all big and clever.

  249. Swineshead Says:

    You poor sod.

  250. charliemingles Says:

    dave, I just handed out your new scroll of dignity over at mingles HQ and youve soiled it already you twat.

  251. Napoleon Says:

    “Because I’m hooked up to a headset in a callcentre and, for just a few short minutes, it made me feel all big and clever.”

    *bears in mind Dave’s fragile mental state*


  252. Dave Says:

    For Chri…See what you do to me, Swineshead? With your unhelpful, unrelated comments?

    I had a scroll of dignity….

  253. charliemingles Says:

    i know that theory napoleon. its one we all cling to and sometimes proves correct. cynthis looked too clean for that though. he should have left her for a teenage patti boyd in 1964

  254. Napoleon Says:

    If I’d been John Lennon, I’d have fucked the lot of ’em and gunned for Britt Eckland, Ursula Andress and Racquel Welch instead. Sod a namby-pamby housewife and an unpleasant oriental ‘artist’ with a vast forest of pubic hair, I’d have been snuffling round those fucking … oh, hang on. That would have just made me Peter Sellars.

  255. Dave Says:

    You would have been Peter Sellars but who would bloody Peter Sellars be? He was a ‘nowhere man’….

    And this I prove I’m far deeper and sophisticated of brain than you lot…..

    Think about it. Hmm.

  256. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but we’ve all got wives and girlfriends, Dave.

  257. Swineshead Says:

    What’s the fact that she’s oriental got to do with anything?


  258. sunaina Says:

    The Paul Merton in India is clear display of the Brit loser mentality. The fact that the whole new generation is nothing but a bunch od self-destructive losers cant be wrapped up on the shady, weird incidents in a faraway country. It seems like Brits get the pleasure of watching the weird stuff which may keep them in the illusion of their false greatness.
    Yes there are naked sadhus in India, YES we have snake charmers and the eunuchs in India….so???
    U will find all kinds of shocking unexpected people anywhere in the world!
    And Mr. Merton obviously is a really bad traveller with no sense of respect for the culture, traditions, people and their beliefs! He went on saying that Shiva (A Hindu God) is a guy like me!!! Does is realize that he is hurting the sentiments of the millions of people to feed the fake egos of his Brit brethren? Its alsolutely ridiculous! For a poor roadside man looking at him its the eyes of a terrorist??? If Indians are that scary why go make program there? Make programs on your own good for nothing Brits living off on the council benefits provided by the taxes paid by the hard-working immigrats in Britain. If you do not understand a culture do not comment, just keep shut!

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