NewsGush – I’m On The Corner of Baker Street

by

Terrible news for fans of literature / all that is decent. The rumour about Guy Ritchie’s plans to piss orange urine on the pages of Arthur Conan Doyle’s fine creation appear not only to be founded, but also somewhat advanced.

And it looks like they’re out to make Holmes an all-action kind of a character – when (from what I remember) in the books his physical attributes were only alluded to. Empire magazine says:

…this version looks to be more action packed than the traditional adaptations, with the filmmakers promising to make use of Holmes’ bare-knuckle boxing and martial arts skills (it’s OK, they’re skills mentioned in the books).

And, to add insult to injury, that complete and utter cock-end Jude ‘I am the’ Law is in it.

So thanks, Ritchie. At least with Revolver and Rocknrolla you were only fannying about with your own two-bit stories. What made you think you could mess with the big boys?

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178 Responses to “NewsGush – I’m On The Corner of Baker Street”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen springs to mind.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Ask The Dust by John Fante was made into a terrible film starring Colin Farrell. Apart from the rudie scene with Salma Hayek, it was a disgrace.

  3. ugeine Says:

    ‘How did you solve the case, Holmes?’ ‘a comfy cushion and an ounce of shag.’ Nice to see they’re staying true to the tone of the originals. ‘Hound of the Baskervilles?’ POW, KECHA, KERTHUMP. ‘it’s a dogs life watching you work Holmes.’ ‘elementary, my dear Watson.’

  4. Dave Says:

    Van Helsing worked.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Van Helsing worked??

    Is that some alien form of sarcasm? As far as I could tell it was a CGI mess of idiocy. I bought it second hand from a garage sale in a village in Devon for a quid and was STILL disappointed with the purchase.

    Anyhow, it doesn’t really count as Van Helsing wasn’t a work of literature. He was a supporting character in a work of literature.

    So balls.

  6. ugeine Says:

    If by worked you mean ‘as enjoyable as a gaping anal wound’.

  7. Do I not like that! Says:

    The books are fantastic. Recommend them to anyone. The best TV Holmes was Jeremy Brett (in my opinion) and probably will not be surpassed. Let’s face it the filmmakers of today are bereft of any original ideas, so to keep the wheels rolling, most films out of Hollywood are remakes.

  8. Dave Says:

    Sherlock Holmes was a character as well! An educated bloke who’s going to become all kickass because of Hollywood. I spot a link, if nobody else does.

  9. ugeine Says:

    IDNLT: It’s the same across all media. This years E3 was majority sequels. Somehow, when we had 8 bit graphics it would be normal to make a game about worms with slapstick weapons but nowadays the worms would be marines on a futuristic planet and the slapstick weapons would be a soundtrack by fallout boy.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Van Helsing – Minor character.
    Holmes – Protagonist. Main character. Understand?

  11. Dave Says:

    So what about this new cgi-fest Igor? That counts, surely?

  12. Napoleon Says:

    Igor’s not even a literary character, Dave.

  13. Dave Says:

    Yes he is. It was based on Mary Shelly’s father, or somesuch made-up fact.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    No, Dave, he’s not. If you’d bothered to read Frankenstein, you’d find no reference to Igor. He was a Hollywood invention.

  15. Dave Says:

    I’ve read Frankenstein. The bit at the end when he got his bride was lovely.

    I’ve even seen a puppet show of it. Have you?

  16. Do I not like that! Says:

    http://www.bakerstreetdozen.com/russianholmes.html

    When the Toothed Varmint arrives..does he know anything of this? Probably better than the version being made.

  17. Dave Says:

    IT’S AN EPISTOLARY NOVEL. (SP).

  18. Nick T Says:

    What was the question?

    2nd day without coffee or carbs, I don’t know where the fuck I am….

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Why would you go without coffee and carbohydrates?

    The Atkins diet is a load of bullshit.

  20. Nick T Says:

    I’m 18 stone skinny!

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Burn more calories than you ingest – it ain’t rocket science sunshine. And knock booze on the head for a while.

    Eating nothing but cheese will kill you. Freddie Mercury did a song about that.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – For fuck’s sake. Exercise + good diet, that’s all you need. Are men getting as bad as women when it comes to believing this dieting shit?

  23. Dave Says:

    I’ve just had a nutr-grain bar cos I’m trying to eat proper these days but, and get this, I’ve found it to be eight-percent my daily calorie allowance. I’d wager there isn’t much ‘nutri’about them. What a con.

    And I’m more hungry than I was to begin with.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Yiou should have eaten some breakfast, Dave. Nutri-grain, indeed.

  25. charliemingles Says:

    Nick – dont listen to the other girls. I gave up white sugar, caffeine and wheat/bread as part of a detox after a particularly indulgent few months. Not only did I feel superb and full of energy after less than two weeks, I lost the beerbelly I’d developed in the previous two months.

    And as a bonus – I can now fit into my wedding dress again. Joy of joys.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    He died of a heart-attack, old Atkins, didn’t he? I think Piqued reminded me of that on Friday night as he scrubbed his tiny balls.

  27. charliemingles Says:

    porridge dave. Porridge. Healthy, filling and cheap as fuck.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – yes, dropping the amount of bread and sugar you eat will help. But eating nothing other than cheese or meat will not.

    Caffeine doesn’t make you fat.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    PS – There’s something about you in that wedding dress, Mingles, that just makes me want to ravish you.

  30. Dave Says:

    I do love Ready Brek with honey and raisins.

    Won’t touch the lumpy stuff though, you Scottish nutter.

  31. Nick T Says:

    I do understand the basics of How Our Bodies Work, I used to teach it.
    However I won’t take up any more space talking about my body. I just thought there was a question for the day or summink.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Detox? Ho ho! Been reading some bullshit written by a ‘nutritionist’, have we? Mention the word ‘detox’ to a doctor, and he’ll laugh in your face, you New Age waffler.

    Nick, try going swimming and take up cycling. You’ll find the weight’ll drop off in no time.

  33. Do I not like that! Says:

    When he gets back from his mates after being after being dismissive of the mates cable subscription, is that his place where he pays to watch B-Movie? It looks different. It cannot be the hotel where he was staying because they had Leftfield broadband.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    I hate that term, ‘detox’. You get on the bus anywhere in London village and there’ll be some Bridget Jones throwback in a pashmina blabbering about her detox into her blackberry and making you consider grisly murder…

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Is Mikey asking for a BT Vision review? I think he is.
    Mikey – do me a one minute review of it and I’ll jazz it up in the WWM house style.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    It means nothing at all. A hand-me-down word for unqualified dregs such as Gillian Mackeef to bandy around to make herself look clever. You haven’t been fucking poisoned, you’ve eaten a sandwich.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    To be fair, there are detoxes available in certain areas. Bruce Parry drinking nothing but tree-bark tea to purge his system comes to mind. Generally they involve a huge amount of nausea, discomfort and vomiting rather than drinking a pint of pomegranate juice (made from fucking concentrate – read the label) a day.

  38. MD Says:

    Piffle.

    Pedantry part I: I’m guessing that Guy Ritchie’s target audience mostly can’t read.
    Pedantry part II: Arthur Conan Doyle changed aspects of Holmes himself according to what the general idiot public wanted, that’s not really any different to this.
    Pedantry part III: The TV adaptations have Holmes depicted entirely differently from how he is in the books.

  39. Do I not like that! Says:

    You would have thought they would have discussed his dream job before he went off. Why would you discuss it afterwards via Messenger? And if the connection drops out (and the problem could have been at her end) why would you just not call on your mobile instead of starting messing about with the router?

  40. Dave Says:

    I loved the glory days of bottled water. People actually though the minerals within it were an elixiar for eternal life when, infact, you may as well bough a mighty Britta filter or, like me, simply drink ‘tap water’ mixed with super health, vitamin-packed amazement-drink ‘Ribena’. Have you heard of it?

  41. indy Says:

    Nick T: so you are on the atkins diet.

    how come coffee is banned? i just thought it was carbs that was the big no-no.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’ve seen this advert.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    MD:

    Balls to your piffle.

    i.) Not my problem
    ii.) It is. Ritchie’s not the author of the original work so he should really have a modicum of respect. Doyle, on the other hand, could do whatever the fuck he wanted – it’s his party.
    iii.) I didn’t even mention the TV adaptations.

    How do you like THAT piffle? Eh?

    Eh?

  44. Napoleon Says:

    My fine British teeth are partly as a result of Ribena.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – you’ve totally lost me now. We’re talking about Sherlock Holmes, in case you hadn’t noticed.

  46. Do I not like that! Says:

    Pedantry Part II – where? give an example. apart from the fact the reading public demanded the return of holmes after a lengthy hiatus (how many years?)
    Pedantry part III – It is nearly impossible for a TV adaption to sit happily with everyone. The Jeremy Brett ones give a good shot at it.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    I used to like those old Basil Rathbone Holmeses. Mind you, they started getting a bit daft when he was fighting Nazis in World War II.

  48. charliemingles Says:

    Bollocks. it works for me. thats all I need to know.

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Bollocks. it works for me. thats all I need to know.

    The fundamental principle of all belief systems.

  50. indy Says:

    got to admit that i’m a bit worried about richie’s holmes. was there any demand to bring him back to start with?

    anyone who remember “basil mouse”, the disney film that was vaguely based on holmes? cra-a-ap!

  51. Do I not like that! Says:

    Yes the Rathbone ones became a bit daft. They went off to Washington DC in one.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Yes. Why let a little thing like evidence get in the way, eh?

  53. charliemingles Says:

    back talking sense again napoleon, thankfully.

    Yes, I agree on the early rathbones.

    *expects the usual pointless disagreement*

  54. Swineshead Says:

    I liked Ben Kingsley and Michael Caines’ Without a Clue… does that count?

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Basil the Great Mouse Detective? That had Vincent Price in it, didn’t it?

  56. Dave Says:

    ‘Basil the Great Mouse Detective’?

    Try CITV cartoon Sherlock Holmes in the 21st Century. Watson was a fucking robot!

  57. Dave Says:

    23rd Century, should that be? It was good.

  58. charliemingles Says:

    yes SH: its works. so I do it. I think thats a fairly sound basis for doing something surely.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    They’re always buggering about with things in cartoons. I remember a stupid version of Around The World In 80 Days where Phileas Fogg was a lion. Hated that.

  60. piqued Says:

    Know the one about Holmes about to bum Watson? Holmes casually instructs his faithful friend to assume the position prior to making his way to the larder in order to squeeze lemon juice all over his quivering tool…
    “Holmes, I’m ready… What on earth are you doing?”
    “Lemon entry my dear Watson”

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – It doesn’t work. You were obviously also doing the only two things (balanaced diet + exercise) that do work at the time of your ‘detox’. Cutting out bread does fuck all if you don’t do anything else.

  62. charliemingles Says:

    when I say detox, I mean having a break from drugs alcohol caffeine and junk food. If doing all those things to excess maks you ill, surely you dont need to be an expert to know that not doing them for a while will make you feel and look better.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Didn’t they discover that joke carved on a cave wall in Northern France a few years back?

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Aha! I bloody knew there was more to it than stopping eating sandwiches.

  65. piqued Says:

    NC, what are you trying to say, Holmes wasn’t a bloody French fellow? He was English man, ENGLISH

    *swishes cane*

    *hits Mudlark*

  66. Swineshead Says:

    It works. So I do it

    Flawed logic. The Atkins diet works in that you lose weight, but it’s not healthy at all. So it doesn’t work.

    It’s like saying bulimia is an effective way to cut down on putting chocolate in your stomach. It works, after all.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I’m saying that joke’s old. As you fucking well know.

  68. Dave Says:

    How cool would it be if they made Prof Moriati a kung-fu cavetroll? That’s what’d happen if they gave the keys for this baby to me.

  69. charliemingles Says:

    SH: I never mentioned the atkins diet, I dont even really know what it entails. I merely pointed out the simple and obvious fact that living off shit white bread punped full of chemicals, coffee, cigarettes, hash, whisky, cholcolate and indian takeaways every day for months can be less than good for your health.

    giving those up either temporarily or permanently makes you feel great. Not to mention its stops you shitting yourself at inopportune moments.

    Thats a result so far as Im concerned. remember Ive never had a proper job until recently. I spent my life as student, post-grad and then freelance writer. Imagine your student days continuing every day into your mid 30’s. I takes its fucking toll, believe me.

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Fair enough, CM – was getting you and Nick T confused.

    Can we all agree to not give Dave the keys to any babies?

  71. piqued Says:

    NC, language Sir, there are ladies present

    *bums chimney sweep*

  72. Dave Says:

    I’d make YOU a Warlock, SH.

  73. piqued Says:

    CM ‘SH: I never mentioned the atkins diet’

    Yes you did, I can see it right there

    *escapes on Hansom cab*

  74. charliemingles Says:

    whats dave been saying now SH?

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Warlock – the Richard E Grant and Julian Sands film?
    That was a weird film, that.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    Julian Sands is one of those actors who has all the right elements to be a great cool movie star – great face, great voice, very distinct and memorable style – but somehow it never seems to come together and he is merely memorable as a complete ham.

  77. piqued Says:

    Julian Sands is possibly the most dreadful actor in the world

  78. Swineshead Says:

    He’s good in Leaving Las Vegas as the complete bastard, Uuri. Or Yuri. However you spell it.

    So your statements are incorrect.

  79. charliemingles Says:

    snap Piqued. for once in your miserable, crippled, piss-stained carpet of a life – your talking sense.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    Is leaving las vegas the one with nicholas cage on his version of the atkins diet?

  81. charliemingles Says:

    I didnt remember him in that, so thats an improvement from his usual roles where I usually remember how shit he is.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – No he isn’t. That crown sits atop the head of Vin Diesel, with Chris O’Donnell, Josh Hartnett and Ashton Kutcher snapping around the king’s heels. Sands is Olivier compared to those fuckers.

  83. Dave Says:

    Remember those adverts with the girl that played the daughter in Ab Fab what’s teh sister of an annoying daytime telly presenter? Wow.

    And the Flash animated Doctor Who episodes Grant was in were brilliant – not to mention his appearance in the role for Comic Relief when Rowan Atkinson played the apart, followed by Hugh Grant and Joanna Lumley.

    Her that played the daughter in the Argos ads played the Who girl.

    It all meshes together PERFECTLY.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Jude Law’s a terrible actor, contrary to popular belief.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – are you hungover? You’re not making a crumb of sense today.

  86. indy Says:

    sh: i think he at least above average in the schmaltzy a.i.

    maybe just because the movie was shit but i think he did pretty well as the robogigolo

  87. charliemingles Says:

    no SH. Surely no one in their right mnind thinks Jude Law is a good actor.

    I saw an interveiw with kenneth Branagh talking about directing Law in Hamlet. Ive never really thought branagh was anything special, but he does seem like a decent enough guy ( it took decades but ive eventually forgiven him fo peters friends) but he was gushing about jude law. hes shite in everything, including mr ripley.

  88. charliemingles Says:

    speaking of ripley. that follow up starring john malkovich is one of my favourite movies, really great atmosphere and cast.
    And it hasa great performance from Dougray Scott, someone Id always dismissed as a pretty boy, but gave a great performance.

    he also comes from Glenrothes which is about 10 miles out side my home town. its a shit hole

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Branagh’s Henry V bettered Olivier’s (though obviously it was aided by being more contemporary in feel). The ‘mock’ tennis balls speech came alive when old Ken spake it.

    Peter’s Friends is the reason I will never forgive Stephen Fry.

    Maybe Indy’s right – the robowhore in A.I. was good but any fucker could do that. He kills Cronenberg’s Existenz and is the weak link in Ripley.

  90. charliemingles Says:

    jude law is passable in any movie where he has to play a cold-hearted narcissist. Some very stupid people seem to believe that in these parts – he is acting.

  91. piqued Says:

    Peter’s Friends, fucking hell. I’d managed to wipe that from my head

    That film is so fucking awful it beggars reason, godammit, I wish you’d not reminded me… arghhhhhhhh

    AAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHWE,[TRHYO-W]E
    R]TVYTWE[GY,KE7OWV].
    ETL WU,]YOE-VYL=JSDH]LF

  92. Napoleon Says:

    I mentioned Peter’s Friends the other week. Can’t remember why now. Bloody jolly-hockey sticks rubbish.

  93. Dave Says:

    A load of folk are taking the weekly trip to KFC at 1pm today. I want a Zinger burger but know it’ll do me no favours. This is a pickle.

  94. MD Says:

    *mostly silenced*

    As I understood it, Holmes got shedloads of mail and wrote his installments accordingly. No, I can’t remember any specific examples other than bringing him back from the dead, I have a small brain.

    He’s always depicted as a goodly and eccentric old man on TV (mostly based on Basil Rathbone), that’s not how he comes across at all. He never had a pipe either.

  95. Do I not like that! Says:

    Dave save your self!!!! Refuse to go, be a leader not a sheep!

  96. Do I not like that! Says:

    MD you are misinformed. Pedantry Part 1 I agree but the other 2 points..sorry old son, but you no not your Holmes.

  97. Nick T Says:

    Can’t do coffee for the first 2 weeks as it messes up ones insulin levels.
    It’s not an Atkins per say as I’m a vegetarian, but it uses the same principle.
    To understand why I’m doing it you would have to know my lifestyle and although it’s wildly exciting (not) I can’t be arsed.
    I have done a great deal of resaerch this diet over the last month and have decided to give it a go. What the hell.
    I have to be stricted on carbs for the first 2 weeks then it eases off and then I slowly introduce carbs back in to my life. I don’t drink much perhaps a bottle of red a week, but I do miss my coffee but it’s only for 2 weeks then I can sup again.

    I would say that Get Carter would be the worst remake or if we/you are talking film from book then it would be Dune, although I did love the film……

  98. Swineshead Says:

    That certainly got folk talking, Nick.

  99. charliemingles Says:

    anything good on tv these days SH? Im now watching much at the moment.

  100. indy Says:

    ‘get carter’ was shite (i think we all agree on that). ‘dune’, by lynch, was ok but not that close to the novel that fans might have wanted it to. ‘dune’, the tv-series – available on dvd, is rubbish.

    when it comes to vegetarianism…

  101. charliemingles Says:

    I watched that Restaurant for the first time at my brothers last week, raymond blanc has to be one of the dullest men on the planet.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    Fuck all tonight, Mingles. If you’ve got Virgin media they’ve got My New Best Friend on the ‘what’s new’ section of TV on demand. Napoleon pointed that out. It’s fucking brilliant.

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – you’ve got The Restaurant wrong. All wrong. It’s good. Almost as good as The Apprentice, I’d say.

  104. charliemingles Says:

    I dont just throw this shit together you know. It takes weeks …

    http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/10/14/dvd-extra-men-only/

  105. charliemingles Says:

    surely that french guy is the dullest man on earth sh? he has zero charisma and I cant understand a word he says.

  106. charliemingles Says:

    my new best friend? is that that thing with the fat guy who played that psychic. looks shite. Im assuming youre being ironic?

  107. Dave Says:

    My new best friend was absolutely genius. The gay one particularly. Ho dare you, Charlie Mingles.

  108. Swineshead Says:

    Dave is right (for once). It is fucking fantastic.
    And Shirley Ghostman was very funny too.

    Whatever happened to that guy?

  109. Swineshead Says:

    There ye go
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_New_Best_Friend

  110. piqued Says:

    Agreed on both accounts

    A good question…

  111. indy Says:

    haven’t seen it. is it any good or is it “mtv boiling points”?

  112. charliemingles Says:

    never seen either of those SH. I have Virgin 1, I’m assuming thats not the same thing. I would guess theyre all on youtube though.

  113. Swineshead Says:

    Here you go… Episode 1. Some lovely casual homophobia in this one.

    Shame there’re only six of them.

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=G1wcqAINL_E
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UGLu7934fjI&feature=related
    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=G1wcqAINL_E&feature=related

    I found the one with Sasha very, very hard to watch.

    Think they miss off the explanation on there. Basically Wootton, a brilliant improv comedian, infiltrates the life of a contestant who can’t reveal at any point that he knows the guys an actor, even when they’re alone. If they succeed after a weekend they get TEN LARGE.

  114. charliemingles Says:

    SH, only for you! I shall watch this. Im always happy to be proved wrong. I’ll give it a go.

  115. Nick T Says:

    Cocks?

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Very good comment there, Nick T. Are you saying everyone here is a cock?

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Cocks?

  118. Swineshead Says:

    Cocks?

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, but cocks though?

  120. Do I not like that! Says:

    I watched the Restaurant last week for the first time. I thought it was so boring and not like the Apprentice at all. Only bit I enjoyed was the customer who said that the only way the potted crab could be described as such, as if it was stoned before it was killed. He also said the salad was shit. He refused to pay the bill. In amongst this, there was a suggestion he was being rude to the female restauranteur. He was not, he was rude about the food , not to her.

  121. Clarry Says:

    Does anyone else think that Igor looks a bit like Frank Sidebottom?

  122. charliemingles Says:

    SH: just watched episode one of my new best friend. quite enjoyable, though they’d have to offer me £100,000 and even then I’d probably crack.

  123. Do I not like that! Says:

    Have been in the supermarket getting some pickled onions. On the shelf were Barry Norman’s pickled onions. They were too expensive for me but has anybody tried them?
    http://www.pickleodeon.co.uk/pickles.html

  124. ugeine Says:

    I could do that for about 20 quid no problem! Sorry, doesn’t sound that hard…

  125. Swineshead Says:

    They’re all on there, Mingles. I won’t tell you if any of them fall apart and give in. Wasn’t that guy in Episode One a prize cock?

    Mikey – that bloke in The Restaurant WAS being rude to her. His manner, confrontational language and all out wankerness (yes, that is a word) combined to make him offensive in her direction. Just because he picked her up regarding his comment on the crab doesn’t detract from the fact that he was an arrogant, ugly fuckwit who was being rude to a waitress because he was on TV and needed to detract from his belief that his penis is too small.

    Yer honour, I rest my case.

  126. Swineshead Says:

    Reserve judgement till you see it, Ugeine.

    (Have you seen it?)

  127. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t know Barry Norman has his own brand of pickled onions.

  128. Do I not like that! Says:

    He was rude about the food not to her. She obviously could not take the slightest bit of criticism without becoming a nervous wreck and when she said he was banned, well his response was marvellous.

  129. Barry Norman Says:

    Not many people do, Napoleon.

  130. Do I not like that! Says:

    Nap..it surprised me too.

  131. Swineshead Says:

    Cocks…?

  132. charliemingles Says:

    I thought that guy in episode one was okay actually. a bit laddish, but I felt sorry for him. Id probably have smacked the camp twat. And, as you know, Im a committed coward … I mean pacifist.

  133. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Yes, cocks. Trapped a stray one in a clapperboard once, pickled it for preservation and, as they say, the rest is history. They go well with a blue cheese.

  134. daveselectricblanket Says:

    That was Barry Norman /|\

  135. Napoleon Says:

    Obviously I’ve seen Paul Newman’s suaces and that wally Lloyd Grossman’s, but never Barry’s onions. You learn something new every day.

    (Cocks?)

  136. ugeine Says:

    SH: I haven’t seen it, though I did have a flick through the wikipedia. Obviously I can’t comment fully, but from the sound of things I’ve put up with worse for no money!

  137. charliemingles Says:

    dave, the trouble you go to for a cheap gag. Barry Norman indeed. I could hug you.

    *hugs dave*

    *dave pees himself*

    *stops hugging dave*

  138. Do I not like that! Says:

    What was Barry’s catchphrase which he actually never said, the one the impersonators used to use?

  139. Swineshead Says:

    Mikey – I can’t believe you sympathise with people like that. Did you notice the applause as he left the restaurant? That was because diners were glad he was leaving, not because he made a good point.

    If you want good service in a restaurant do you seriously go to one that’s being featured in a reality show (where mishaps make good TV)? Or do you go in to make a show of yourself?

    Even that guy’s family and friends were cringeing.

    If I get really bad service in a restaurant I don’t tip. If I get bad food and bad service then I don’t go again. There’s no call for standing up and making a cock of yourself. Call on your English reserve, I say. We’re not Americans/savages.

    You’re being contrary for shits and giggles, I suspect.

  140. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – You thought he was ok?!

    Him and his homophobic, wanker mates?

    You and Mikey should go bowling together. And complain that the bowling shoes make you look gay, very loudly.

    *goes for a ciggie*

  141. Swineshead Says:

    Barry Norman’s catchphrase eludes me.

    Not a lot. Except that’s Paul Daniels.

    *hasn’t been for fag yet*

  142. Napoleon Says:

    When Paul Rodgers off of Bad Company sang,

    “I feel like making love … to you.”

    He was talking about making love to Dave’s bottom.

  143. Do I not like that! Says:

    Most of these restaurants are overpriced and serve at best adequate food. Not all the people clapped, and they could be the halfwits who jump on any bandwagon that is going…that is why they clapped.
    That bloke was a hero of our times, but also ahead of his time.

  144. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Listen, Perry. Rodgers fans hate you enough already, you arseface. We’ll burn your hosue down at this rate.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    My hosue? I don’t need it, Dave. Burn the fucker, for all I care.

  146. Do I not like that! Says:

    ******googles*******
    ******wikipedia******

    Catch phrase is “and why not?”
    Pickled onions started in Sept 2007 apparently.

  147. charliemingles Says:

    and why not? wasnt that barrys catchphrase?

  148. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Your hoe, Sue? Can I have here then please? I hear she’s a’smokin’!

    YES!!11!!

  149. Napoleon Says:

    I preferred Paul Daniels. He done tricks.

  150. Swineshead Says:

    Complaining to waitresses, rudely and with threateningly, is pathetic. They didn’t even cook the fucking food, after all. Mikey – you need a stint working as a waiter to see what life’s like dealing with the arsehole public, methinks.

  151. Swineshead Says:

    Barry Norman had an affair with Debbie McGee – true fact.

  152. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Barry Chuckle
    Norman Chuckle

    I need say no more on that matter…..

    (They’re both Barry Norman).

  153. Napoleon Says:

    I used to work as a waiter. I was rubbish.

    I literally couldn’t wait to get out of that job!

  154. Napoleon Says:

    You see, because not only couldn’t I wait to leave, but I also couldn’t wait, yes? As in I wasn’t able to wait on tables very well? See? SEE?

  155. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I was a waiter in a church once.

    People said THE SERVICE was awful.

  156. Do I not like that! Says:

    It’s the threatening bit which I disagree with. Quite loud yes, and he is allowed an opinion afterall. She was unable to deal with him because she did not know how to handle his type. It’s all part and parcel of this politically correct and not say boo to a goose society that pervades, that she becomes the victim, whilst the punter has to put up with in his opinion completely sub standard food.

  157. Swineshead Says:

    Balls, Mikey.

    He can ask for a refund and put it down to hard luck. Then he can spread the word about how bad it was, which the restaurant would fully deserve. Especially if he didn’t get the refund. What it doesn’t deserve it a waitress who’s made to feel a wreck by a fat twat with a superiority complex.

    Bad service is usually hilarious anyway. The stuff anecdotes rely on. People who get outraged by bad service in restaurants have personality defects, generally.

    Your argument’s fallen apart, by the way – you might want to gather it up and dispose of it.

  158. daveselectricblanket Says:

    ‘Bad service is usually hilarious anyway. The stuff anecdotes rely on. People who get outraged by bad service in restaurants have personality defects, generally.’

    I was given a burnt Yorkshire pudding five minutes late the weekend before last.

    Nope. That wasn’t worthy of an anecdote.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    I once tripped over carrying an enormous fish dish, emptied the lot all over m’self, bellowed ‘FUCKERS!’ as I went down, then sat on the floor covered in fish and sauce shaking with rage until I was dragged off by the head waiter. I saw the funny side about four years later.

  160. Swineshead Says:

    Did you swear about it so everyone could hear, Dave?

  161. Napoleon Says:

    I quite like burnt food.

  162. Dave Says:

    No. I’m a very respectful customer to the extent I let people walk all over me. The only time I’ve refused to pay was when the lady I was eating with complained and asked me to.

    I didn’t pay for the curry AND I got intercourse that night.

  163. Do I not like that! Says:

    I was amazed at the chef when she went into the kitchen to gather herself. He should have gone out and spoken with the customer instead of safely staying in the kitchen. Oh yes the age of chivalry … and er ..responsibility.
    In short rudeness is not to be welcome of course, but he was rude about the food and not to her and as you say she said did not make it so why should she take it personally? And the chef was a wimp.

  164. charliemingles Says:

    your mother is obviously a very understanding lady dave.

  165. Swineshead Says:

    He WAS rude to her! He swore unnecessarily in her direction and made her life a misery. What’s your definition rude!?

    That diner was a fucking wanker. And that’s the end of that.

    Dave – for once you have the right idea. Meal? Followed by nightcap? And sexual intercourse?

    NC – my eldest brother wilfully burns pizzas because he likes burned pizzas.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    I burn quite a few things too. I like burnt toast and burnt crumpets, burnt meat, burnt pies … burnt anything really. Just like burnt.

    Is burnt a registered flavour?

  167. Dave Says:

    CM – It was you mother actually! How do you like them apples?

  168. Swineshead Says:

    Food that’s burnt is carcinogenic. I think. Is it ‘burned’ or ‘burnt’?

    I like cheese when it’s gone all burnted.

  169. charliemingles Says:

    if youre willing to fuck my mother dave, youre a better man than me. or dad. help yourself.

    PS: the spade is in the back of the car. third tombstone on the left.

  170. charliemingles Says:

    cheese on toast only really tastes right with burnt toast.

  171. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never been all that keen on cheese on toast. Remember ‘Toast Toppers’? Looked like vomit?

  172. Swineshead Says:

    Did someone mention Tombstone?

    *puts up karate defence hands*

  173. Dave Says:

    CM – You provide the lorry-load of Vaseline, and I’ll service your mother in any orafice she may please. I love your mum.

  174. Dave Says:

    Wait. That wasn’t our man Tombstone you were talking about…..

    Well, this is uncomfortable….

  175. charliemingles Says:

    sure that pickled onion thing’s real? looks straight out of Viz. I remember they had Ernie Wise’s biscuit column advising on biscuit-related problems. Its not far off that.

  176. Do I not like that! Says:

    They were real I am sure! The way you put it though, does make it seem a bit surreal…Barry Norman’s pickled onions…hmm. Maybe it is to do with that LHC and an alternative comic cosmic universe is unfolding. What will be next?

  177. Do I not like that! Says:

    Barry Norman’s pickled onions…hmm.
    It may well be the work of Q. Watch out for other strange occurences.

  178. Joanne Says:

    I would watch any piece of shit with Robert Downey Jr in. Seriously, even in ‘Fur’, that film about Diane Arbus where he was covered head to toe with hair, he was still sexy.

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