The Friday Question: Can You Review In Haiku?


After an email from WWM HQ (my desk) went out requesting reviews from our regular writers (to what can only be called a ‘tepid’ response), I once again remind you good, good readers that you can feel free to send us your One Minute Reviews at any time.

Don’t be shy. You won’t get paid, but kudos is more valuable than any old ingot, isn’t it? Yes. It is.

Now then – as we’re lacking in reviews, I suggest we pool our resources and write very brief summations of popular programming. The concept is simple enough…

As you are aware, the Haiku is a  Japanese invention. All you need to do is create a poem of 3 lines with 5, 7 and 5 syllables per line respectively.

Got it?

Right – I’ll set the ball rolling.

Richard & Judy’s New Position
Far too many guests
On your garish red sofa
Someone dim the lights

Blue Peter
Is that Konnie Huq
Still in it? No? In that case
Stuff your Blue Peter

Holby City
Just occasionally
You see guts, blood and offal.
Mostly twats talking.

You can do better than that.

Let’s have ’em.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

228 Responses to “The Friday Question: Can You Review In Haiku?”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    Nah, don’t understand haikus.

  2. Do I not like that! Says:

    What a load of crap
    Today’s television is
    Better to go out

  3. Swineshead Says:

    NC – Defeatist! It’s as simple as can be – I’ve explained it up there, you shitter.

    Mikey – good effort but this is about individual programmes, not all television.

    I knew this’d go down like a knackered lift. But I had this spark of hope that maybe we might inject some genuine wordplay today, rather than draw crap pictures of hands using punctuation symbols all day long.

  4. ugeine Says:

    Match of the Day 2:

    Chiles Grimaces
    but can’t disguise the fact that
    he is an arsehole.

  5. Do I not like that! Says:

    What a load of crap
    That program eastenders is
    Better to go out

  6. wally bazoom Says:

    Channel 4 news:

    Why does credit crunch?
    Ask that old angry Snowman,
    get frosty response.

  7. ugeine Says:

    *claps at wally*

  8. Who Says:

    Twiggy’s Frock Swap

    Dress model in her Grandma’s dusty old 1950’s tweed suit
    Make some rips in it (strategically)
    Pin it up with a few safety pins to make it shorter
    Stand her on table
    Admire ‘contemporary new outfit’


  9. Napoleon Says:

    Alright, alright!

    Just give me a look
    At Fat Elvis doing Mo
    Right up her shitter.

    Do I win?

  10. wally bazoom Says:

    Football Focus:

    Martin Keown’s face,
    Shimmering in pale make up,
    Scares me half to death.

  11. ugeine Says:

    The Jeremy Kyle Show:

    If I had hammers
    I’d hammer in the morning
    all over his face.

  12. Nick T Says:

    You’ve Been Framed

    Grandma fell over
    Daughter made a video
    More fuel for Harry

  13. Swineshead Says:

    That’s the spirit! Some fine efforts there. haven’t had time to scan for syllables but Who clearly needs to reread the rules of haiku (good attempt all the same). Wally is leading the pack with a seemingly innate understanding of the form, Ugeine is building momentum and even our own school truant NC is pitching in with filth.

    You’ve warmed the cockles of my heart.

    New series starts soon
    Plots for the ladies
    Bottoms and norks for the men

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – and Mikey’s cheating.

  15. wally bazoom Says:


    Takes pot shots at soft targets.
    Gallery approves.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Warehouse with bands in.
    Don’t let Jools near piano,
    Boogie Woogie berk.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I thought Buzzcocks was ace last night…

  18. Napoleon Says:

    Stephen Fry In America:

    He goes round the States
    In a London taxi cab
    He will BURN in hell.

  19. ugeine Says:


    I really really
    really really really like
    Simon Amstell lots.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    The Career of Christopher Biggins

    Everyone loves him
    The roly-poly funster

  21. Swineshead Says:

    These are ace. Keep it up.

    Friday Night With Jonathan Ross

    Big stars bill second
    As Ross burbles endlessly
    And about fuck all

  22. ugeine Says:


    Beautiful women
    unexplainably fall for
    that david schwimmer.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    The career of John Leslie:

    Ex Blue Peter Man.
    HE WILL BURN IN HELL but for
    Different reasons

  24. charliemingles Says:

    I think you’l find the haiku review was my idea.

    my pleasure.

    (thats not a haiku)

  25. wally bazoom Says:

    Newsnight review

    Morley, Greer, Harris!
    Well I thought that looked quite good.
    Christ, Eko, shut up.

  26. indy Says:

    high school musical 3 advert

    i’m not a snob
    but where the heck is
    the trenchcoat mob

  27. Swineshead Says:

    When did you suggest that? It wasn’t yesterday – I just checked…
    Sorry for not crediting you if I borrowed it without remembering.

  28. charliemingles Says:

    whose idea was this – its rubbish

  29. Napoleon Says:

    The Friday Night Project:

    One is very fat
    The other one defies God,
    And will pay for this.

  30. charliemingles Says:

    thats the way to get me to do work for you for nothing SH. Excelent management strategy

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Actually, I’m not sorry for not crediting Mingles. I think the Haiku is a Japanese idea.

    Thankyou, the people of Japan.

  32. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – go back to bed and get out the right side…

    Or email me on my gmail.

  33. charliemingles Says:

    Holby City was
    cancelled. I was go …
    ing to review it.
    But couldnt.
    then I found out Napoleon
    Had done a really
    good one anyway….

    a few months ago.

    Piece of piss, this.

    How many syllables? bollocks?

  34. ugeine Says:

    ‘its rubbish’ says Charlie
    but it’s good to light candles
    don’t just curse the dark

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Top Gear:

    One is a fat twerp
    One is a bumbling bumbler
    Plus the other one.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    He’s in a right mood, that Mingles.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    He is, isn’t he? No doubt – being Scotch – he was wolfing down the Buckfast last night.

    Mingles – get y’self some Irn Bru, you baboon.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    Mock The Week

    It’s not The Buzzcocks
    It’s sure not Have I Got News
    What is it then? Shit.

  39. wally bazoom Says:


    Eight foot smirking hulk
    And shrieking short-skirt dollies
    Make hangover worse.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve only seen a Scotsman fly into such a mood so early after they’d shit the bed.

    It can be the only explanation.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Jamie’s Ministry Of Food

    They only eat chips
    North of North Lincolnshire.
    Fat tongue won’t change that.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    BBC Breakfast News

    The little blonde? YES.
    The busty brunette? Fuck, YES.
    The old Scotch one? NO.

  43. charliemingles Says:

    Newsnight Review:

    Three pretentious twats
    showing off all their learning
    Kwame Kwai Amae
    (hes the worst)
    (ignore that last line, its not in it)
    (nor that one)
    bollocks …

  44. ugeine Says:

    I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I thought my Jeremy Kyle one was ace.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, Ugeine, it was jolly good.

    *pats head*

    Mingles – first Holby (done before) now Newsnight Review (Wally just did that this morning – up there)…

    Go and have a coffee. And stick your soiled sheets in the washing machine. Or over at Piqued’s blog, he won’t notice the smell.

  46. wally bazoom Says:

    Look North

    Our lives reduced to
    Whirling fairground horrorshow.
    We will die alone.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Question Time:

    Hazel Blears is shit.
    Hazel Blears is fucking shit.
    Dimbleby? Get her!

  48. charliemingles Says:


    Dont just watch to wank
    I watch for the storylines
    okay, I’m lying

  49. ugeine Says:


    What will happen next?
    though even on a clear day
    I can’t see the point.

  50. ugeine Says:

    Pimp my Ride UK:

    Is it ironic?
    Like a thousand spoons when all
    you need is a gun.

  51. ugeine Says:

    (‘Spoons’ was supposed to be ‘spanners’)

  52. charliemingles Says:

    Presidential debates:

    old man cant move head
    younger man move head too much
    both wives quite sexy

  53. wally bazoom Says:


    Perverts welcome to
    ethically dubious
    bad tea time flesh show.

  54. charliemingles Says:


    ger ayt o my pub
    she’s your own flesh n blaad, love
    repeat storyline …

  55. ugeine Says:

    NME TV:

    Like getting a scythe
    painted in neon colours
    shoved up your anus.

  56. ugeine Says:


    They are not police
    neither are they scientists
    but they act like both.

  57. wally bazoom Says:

    Handle first, that would create an attractive yet lethal ‘tail’ for a human.

  58. Do I not like that! Says:

    guess a box each night
    is not for the very bright
    deal or no deal’s shite

  59. charliemingles Says:

    TV Reviews:

    It is a full moon
    some of us howl and go rag
    rather than write polite things:

  60. charliemingles Says:

    Blimey! DINLK’s one rhymed an all.


  61. Do I not like that! Says:

    May I point out that a Haiku is not supposed to be titled?

  62. ugeine Says:


    The most expensive
    yet ideally tranquil
    Tele screen saver.

  63. charliemingles Says:

    fuck off. no you may not.

  64. piqued Says:

    my moustache caught fire
    but I put it out quick smart
    it now looks frazzled

  65. charliemingles Says:

    Me sit in corner
    me talky shite all day long
    me your tv set

  66. wally bazoom Says:

    The Apprentice:

    Surly London man
    And fictional arhcetypes
    Insult the species.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    Is he talking about his moustache? Again?

    *gets out razors, runs lukewarm bath*

    It’s not a moustache anyway, it’s a beard.

  68. piqued Says:

    Carry on films

    Woo ha ha sid says
    when babs did exercises
    her bra has pinged off

  69. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – we’re doing TV reviews, not talking about you – save that for your blog.

  70. charliemingles Says:

    celebrity masterchef:

    scousers everywhere
    cookling posh shite like piqued does
    little blonde girl won

  71. Swineshead Says:

    That’s an extraneous ‘has’ in the last line of yours, if we’re being pithy Piqued.

    Bernard Bresslaw’s nurse –
    Surely the most erotic
    Sight in British film?

  72. wally bazoom Says:

    The Carry On is my clear favourite so far.

  73. piqued Says:

    …it (was) a fully released moustache as of Wednesday.

  74. piqued Says:

    ‘her bra has pinged off’ -5 syllables yeah

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Interesting, Piqued. Very interesting.

    (Except it’s not)

  76. piqued Says:

    Allo Allo

    It is I Le Clerc
    Look at my stockings Rene
    You stupid Woman

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Bernard Bresslaw’s nurse?
    Nowhere near as erotic
    As Kenneth Cope’s was.

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, Piqued, but in context it’s grammatically incorrect.

    ‘When babs did exercises her bra has pinged off’.

    Still, it’s a good one.

    *thanks God he’s not talking about his moustache any more*

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Is Piqued going on about his moustache again? Can we all join in? I – and I know some of you are going to find this hard to comprehend – have sideburns.

  80. charliemingles Says:

    Hammer horror:

    lesbian vampires
    lots of red velvet curtains
    Mum thinks Im asleep

  81. piqued Says:

    One Foot in the Grave

    Oh Mrs Warbouys
    You’ve spilt custard on Victor
    I don’t beleive it

  82. Swineshead Says:

    Did we see Sid James
    In a frock at any point?
    That’d do me in.

  83. ugeine Says:

    I just emailed a manager in haiku form. He was a bit confused.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Despite the moustache talk, Piqued’s haikus are pretty bloody good…

  85. charliemingles Says:

    the shining:

    big haunted hotel
    googly-eyed woman wth knife
    Husband is possessed

    (not funny, but technically accurate)

  86. piqued Says:

    It’s not gramatically incorrect if you read it thus

    ‘Woo ha ha’ Sid said when babs did exercises.
    Her bra has pinged off.

  87. Dave Says:

    Overgrown teenager?
    In spandex suit, revealing?
    It’s morphin’ time, bitch.

  88. Dave Says:


  89. Napoleon Says:

    “It’s not gramatically incorrect if you read it thus

    ‘Woo ha ha’ Sid said when babs did exercises.
    Her bra has pinged off.”

    Was this comment a joke?

  90. charliemingles Says:

    Last of the summer wine:

    tin bath rolls down hill
    old men climb hill, speak of death
    ‘What was he in now … ?’

  91. piqued Says:

    Thank you SH

    Die Hard

    Bruce is in his vest
    Welcome to the party pal
    He wins in the end

  92. Dave Says:

    Piqueds are bloody good actually…

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – that would rely on this thing called punctuation…

    …and i can’t be arsed to carry on with where that discussion would take us!

    We’ve moved on to movies I see, good stuff.

    Dawn of the Dead

    Appalling acting
    And blue zombies – but who cares?
    They eat human flesh!

  94. wally bazoom Says:

    Danny Dyer:

    Face of a small boy
    Mouth of a Kent labourer

  95. Swineshead Says:

    That Danny Dyer one is superb.

  96. piqued Says:

    Space Odyssey

    Der der der DA DA
    My God it is full of stars
    Big empty black space

  97. charliemingles Says:

    the godfather:

    You dont call me ‘Don’
    Dies in orchard, giggling child
    sequel was better

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Dawn of the Dead:

    Appalling acting
    Stupid zombies go shopping
    A big pile of SHIT.

  99. Dave Says:

    Cool floating taxis,
    Red haired girl, you see her tits.
    Gary oldman’s hair.

    (The Fifth Element)

  100. piqued Says:


    You like that huh bitch
    I’m gonna fuck your ass hard
    Then cum on your tits

  101. wally bazoom Says:

    Jude Law:

    Fine acting talent
    Mystifyingly reviled
    Must be the accent

  102. charliemingles Says:

    Radio 4:

    Repitition, hes …
    itation, deviation
    the poshest station

  103. Dave Says:

    Repitition, hes …
    itation, deviation
    the poshest station


  104. charliemingles Says:

    I think I get the prize for the worst one so far.

  105. piqued Says:

    George Michael

    He was one of Wham
    Now he crashes his car stoned
    And hangs around parks

  106. Dave Says:

    Bob Monkhouse hosted,
    You found the words related.
    It was called Wipeout.

  107. charliemingles Says:

    dave trying the tricky, no title haikus. Brave.

  108. Dave Says:

    ‘It was called Wipeout.’

  109. charliemingles Says:


    Bit like The Beatles
    But sound more like The Rutles
    Cocky northern twats

  110. piqued Says:

    The pic at the top
    The Great Wave by Hockusai
    Is quite beautiful

  111. charliemingles Says:

    yes, you expertly included the title in your haiku, Dave. Dont ruin the efect now, by revealing your actually an idiot.

  112. piqued Says:

    I’m seeing Slayer
    At the end of October
    I’ll be deaf after

  113. Swineshead Says:


    Jude Law:

    Fine acting talent
    Mystifyingly reviled
    Must be the accent

    I’m going for the bait. I don’t like Law. This dislike festered as I watched the film Existenz. Something about a terrible American accent gnaws at my tolerance.

    I’m sure Jude would be devastated by this news.

  114. Dave Says:

    What are you spouting on about, Charlie?

  115. piqued Says:

    …by revealing you’re actually an idiot, actually

  116. Swineshead Says:

    Starship Troopers

    This big action film
    Wears the old cloak of satire.
    Shame it’s still rubbish.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – the challenge is not to speak in haiku. You’re meant to review.

  118. charliemingles Says:

    I know Piqued. Lets not pick up each others spelling. we’ll lose the viewers.

    thats the last time I compliment your haikus you cheeky Kunt.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think Jude Law being absent from Existenz would have made any difference to the quality of the film, Swineshead. That quality being:


  120. piqued Says:

    On Starship Troopers
    I have to disagree mate
    It’s jolly good fun

  121. Swineshead Says:

    True, it was a shoddy film in the first place. But he compounded the problem. In fact, he took the focus away from Cronenberg’s feeble effort to recreate Videodrome for the Playstation generation and placed it squarely on his squawking vocals.

  122. piqued Says:

    Right you are SH
    I will not do that again
    Reviews from now on

  123. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – seriously please stop JUST talking in haikus, it’s fucking annoying.

  124. Dave Says:

    Cruel Intentions <<<<<<

    Lesbionic kiss.
    Les Liaisons Dangereuses,
    it really isn’t.

  125. charliemingles Says:

    Once you start writing
    in this halted style, cant stop
    comedy accent

  126. wally bazoom Says:

    the diamond sea
    by sonic youth, best song ever
    pointless arguing

  127. Napoleon Says:

    Bad comedienne
    Goes into jungle – loses.
    She will BURN in hell.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    I’m starting to think
    In haiku form. Off for fag.
    May blow haiku smoke.


  129. Swineshead Says:

    the diamond sea
    by sonic youth, best song ever
    pointless arguing

    You’ll disagree with yourself in ten years time.

  130. Napoleon Says:

    I also think you’re focusing too much on the performance of Jude Law. Let’s not Jennifer Jason Leigh off the hook here.

  131. Do I not like that! Says:

    Captain James T Kirk
    On the Starship Enterprise
    there the future lies

  132. wally bazoom Says:

    I’m not disagreeing with myself ten years ago.

  133. piqued Says:

    Best Sonic Youth song
    Is found on Daydream Nation
    Forgotten which one

  134. charliemingles Says:

    She was quite good in single white female NC. Its only whe shes called upon to play non-mentals that she fails.

    (Ive moved back to freeform verse)

  135. piqued Says:

    She was good in The Hitcher too

  136. Napoleon Says:


    The official story
    Is a big pile of shit, like.
    They was all blowed up

    By sinister plots.
    It’s all in that there Loose Change.
    Fight the injustice.

  137. wally bazoom Says:

    Patrick Kielty

    Sir Saturday Night
    Hair sprang up, electrified
    Where are you now? Eh?

  138. Dave Says:

    docious. Does not work.

  139. charliemingles Says:

    are you having a stroke NC?

    Or just moved onto an obscure form of blank verse?

  140. charliemingles Says:

    nice one dave.

  141. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Surely her performance in Single White Female only appeared good because she was playing alongside Bridget Fonda – a woman who cannot act?

  142. piqued Says:

    What’s happened to her btw

    Oh, of course, she’s got old and therefore chucked on the heap

  143. wally bazoom Says:

    Like all the Youth fans
    I’m keen on Daydream Nation
    They’ve done better, though.

  144. charliemingles Says:

    Jim Davidson:

    Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt
    cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt .. CUNT
    not funny the cunt

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Having a stroke? No! I’m merely saying that, if you look at all them white puffs of all smoke that done came out of them towers as they were all falling, you’ll conclude it was a sinister inside job wot was done by the government in secret, like. The shits.

  146. piqued Says:

    I bet you had a stroke already Nappers

    eh? eh?

    *nudges NC off his chair as he fires off another round of crab meat*

  147. Swineshead Says:

    I always preferred ‘Dirty’
    Middle of the road am I?
    Oh. Guilty as charged.

  148. charliemingles Says:

    She never been called upon to act, so far as I know napoleon.

    having said that, she played a blinder as that annoying surfer chic in jackie brown. you really were willing de niro to blow her fucking head off.

  149. Swineshead Says:

    Twilight Zone – The Movie

    Notable for death
    Of Jennifer Jason Lee’s
    Dad on set. Poor Jen.

  150. piqued Says:

    6 syllables in the first line SH


  151. Dave Says:

    Bridget Fonda is no Jane Fonda. I’d still bang her to this day…but it’s have to be with that lass with they eyepatch from Barbarella.

  152. wally bazoom Says:

    Reverand and the Makers:

    Apprehended by
    Depth of own creative dearth.
    Sheffield’s shame. Bye!

  153. charliemingles Says:

    Other actresses who I would willingly blow the head off of:

    Thandi Newton (bang) must be the most annoying, over-rated fuckwit on screen. Especially in that pile of utter middle-class wank Crash.

  154. piqued Says:

    actually it’s 7 *explodes*

  155. Swineshead Says:

    Single White Female
    Is good. This is because of
    The bit with the dog.

  156. charliemingles Says:

    Single White Female
    Is good. This is because of
    The bit with blowjob

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Dirty Dancing:

    A holiday she’d
    Never forget because of
    Swayze’s pelvic dance.

    Point Break:

    Undercover cop
    Infiltrates Swayze’s armed gang.
    He fucking LOVES it.


    Oh no! Swayze’s dead!
    But never fear, Demi love.
    He’s back as a ghost.

  158. Swineshead Says:

    It’s five syllables, unless you talk like a moron.

    It’s debatable, is what I’m saying.

  159. charliemingles Says:

    Christian Bale Haiku Batman acting masterclass ( back by popular demand):

    develop sore throat
    Ruin credibility
    Annoying cunt dies

  160. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – you mean the Sonic Youth one…

    Should’ve been: I prefer ‘Dirty’

  161. piqued Says:

    The Great Escape

    They’ve found the tunnel
    I see that pin over there
    The Cooler King jumps

  162. Swineshead Says:

    Donnie Darko.

    Schoolboy, bunny, worms.
    80s soundtrack? Time travel?
    This is fucking mad.

  163. piqued Says:

    In his booky wook
    He is pontificating
    About addiction

  164. wally bazoom Says:

    ‘Dirty’ is superb.
    Judged a sellout at the time,
    In fact brutal noise.

  165. charliemingles Says:

    Lets play, Guess the Haiku:

    Cartoon cunts in van
    talking dog never mentioned
    funfair man did it

  166. piqued Says:

    Let’s not CM, okay, let’s just leave it, yeah

  167. Swineshead Says:

    You’re not MOR
    Just because your album’s good –
    Song for song for song…

  168. Dave Says:

    Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

    Toontown in violence,
    Call Private Dick to save day
    Christopher LLoyd, Wooaaahhh!!!!

  169. charliemingles Says:

    Shut it, Piqued. People are concentrating, trying to guess, enjoying this fascinating new challenge. Ive already had 12,000 entries.

  170. Napoleon Says:

    Keeping Up Appearances:

    Go away, Richard!
    I’m trying to prepare my
    Candlelit supper.

    Open All Hours:

    Stop looking at that lady,
    And f-fetch your cloth.

  171. Swineshead Says:

    Betty can stick that
    Confounded hotpot arsewards!
    I don’t like ‘The Street’.

  172. Napoleon Says:

    Schindler’s List:

    Don’t know what happens
    In this film as I refuse
    To watch black and white.

    Not in the 21st fucking century.

  173. piqued Says:

    Don’t go out ‘Arold
    You are always chasing birds
    You dirty old man

  174. charliemingles Says:

    watch with mothers:

    Pretends to review
    Just an excuse to talk shite
    wish there were more girls

  175. Clarry Says:

    My round-up of last week’s telly in haiku…

    Jordan and Peter:

    Plastic tits and dense.
    How come these thickos have got
    More money than sense?

    Harry and Paul:

    BBC’s new ‘hit’.
    Unfortunately for them
    It’s a pile of shit.


    Coogan’s new programme
    Is as depressing as a
    Leonard Cohen track.


    Ashamed to know that
    Yesterday on Hollyoaks
    The McQueens blew up.


    The best bit is done.
    Wake me up when it’s finished
    and tell me who won.

    Britain’s got the Pop Factor….

    The man from Bolton
    Has divided the nation
    With his latest show.

    Little Britain USA:

    Tired and unfunny.
    Apart from new costumes, the
    Jokes are all the same.

  176. Swineshead Says:

    Bodger and Badger.

    Man and mustelid
    In cahoots and hoarding mash.
    Makes no sense to me.

  177. Swineshead Says:

    Nice catch up work, Clarry.

  178. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles, I’m deluded enough to believe that the quality of the articles makes people comfortable enough to comment at length.

    *takes medication*



  179. Napoleon Says:

    Uncle Albert:

    He had a great beard
    And a lovely blue hat on.
    May he BURN in hell.

  180. charliemingles Says:

    SH can we appoint Clarry as our official haiku reviewer?

  181. charliemingles Says:

    yes, those pieces on breakfast television are certanly getting the nation talking 🙂

  182. Dave Says:

    Straw Dogs.

    Weird folk in country,
    Rape, and feel up children, why?
    Dustin Hoffman fights.

  183. piqued Says:

    Oh Mr. Porter
    Will Hay at his very best
    Anyone seen it

  184. Napoleon Says:

    Women in Love:

    Ollie and Alan
    Wrestling nude on a carpet.
    Can you see their … Cocks?

  185. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles – no, I’m afraid not.

    Clarry can be sharp-tongued at times and I hate to see grown men cry.

  186. piqued Says:

    Mr. Manwaring
    We’re all doomed, doomed I tells thee
    Stupid fucking boy

  187. Clarry Says:

    Goddamit these little bastards are addictive…

    Might pop back with some more later.

  188. charliemingles Says:

    Wee Clarry? sharp-tongued? imp-ossible.

    *strains to hear*


  189. Dave Says:

    Mike Bassett England Manager


  190. charliemingles Says:

    And the winner is .. a Mrs Trellis from South Wales.

  191. Who Says:

    Sid in a frock? I can do this one. Carry on at your Convenience, dressed up as a gypsy fortune teller with balloons for tits. Ho ho!

  192. Dave Says:


    Wasn’t very good.
    Not compare to Masterchef.
    Which is pretty ace.

  193. Napoleon Says:

    The Tribe:

    Only noteworthy
    For a shot of Anna Friel
    Nuded-up in bed.

  194. Swineshead Says:

    Most amusing (if you like football)

  195. Swineshead Says:

    Match of the Day

    Excellent highlights
    Drawn out by M&S clad
    Berks spouting cliches.

  196. Swineshead Says:

    Queer As Folk

    Jesus fucking Christ!
    Is that who I think it is?
    Tommy Carcetti!

  197. Swineshead Says:

    Nice work Who – I’ll download that tonight. One for the wank tank.

  198. Napoleon Says:

    Queer As Folk:

    That boy’s just fifteen,
    The other one’s a rapist.
    They’ll both BURN in hell.

  199. piqued Says:

    Blue Peter

    Hello, Shep is dead
    The Gamekeeper slipped on shit
    John Leslie date rape

  200. piqued Says:

    (I meant ‘zoo keeper’, soz all, soz)

  201. Kremble Says:

    This is the bestest
    Friday question ever seen
    Jolly well done chaps


  202. charliemingles Says:

    Youre not still playing that game wot I invented are you?

  203. Kremble Says:

    I’m off to see the
    Wedding Present in concert
    Later on this year

    David Gedge is a
    Genius when it comes to
    Northern lads pop tunes

    Kennedy is the
    Best song in the world ever
    Fuck off arguing

    I could just keep going and going and going. I’ve just come in from work and I’m on a roll, oh YEAH!

    *decides not to slink back under rock. It smells*

  204. Kremble Says:

    My printer has just
    Blown up and pissed ink over
    all the fucking desk


  205. Dave Says:

    I’m wearing the Old Spice T-shirt (ginger hair).

    This will explain a lot, I think.

  206. Swineshead Says:

    Mingles, again, the Haiku review is not an original idea at all…. go and google the muuuh fuuurgher

  207. charliemingles Says:

    The Nolans:

    Cute one married Shane
    got fat. Blonde one in The Bill,
    fat too. Three others.

  208. Who Says:

    Works for me SH old son, you won’t be disappointed.


    *washes hands*

  209. charliemingles Says:

    Apologies Swines
    My solipsistic nature
    Wipes away reason

  210. charliemingles Says:

    I love you Dave. Can I have your autograph.

    Whose the cute chic doing the hula-hoop?

  211. wally bazoom Says:

    Agreed with post RE:
    ‘Kennedy’ by the Weddoes.
    GUITARS – go berzerk.

  212. Swineshead Says:

    Agree with Mingles, the hula hoop girl is fantastic. Is that her job?

  213. Swineshead Says:

    Kremble – coming in from work at 1pm – what the hell do you do for a living?

  214. charliemingles Says:

    she looks like some kinda ghetto superstah. A girl that looks like that would only be working in a call centre for one reason – she’s in a band and theyre not as good as she think they are, hence she has to take a shite ‘short term’ job till the offers come flooding in.

    Call me a cynic. But I bets Im right dave?

    Dave: Yes. youre right Charlie.

    Thanks for confirming dave.

  215. Dave Says:

    She’s called Zulma. She’s off her head, but pretty cool with it.

  216. Dave Says:

    CM – couldn’t be further from the truth. She used to do belly dancing and hoopla when she was younger, I think. Now she has a nice family, and is very quiet, dotty and lovely.

    How dare you make assumptions.

  217. wally bazoom Says:

    “a shite ’short term’ job till the offers come flooding in.”


  218. charliemingles Says:

    Thats what she tells you dave. thats what she tellses you.

    yes, aha, oh yes, ah now …

    *wins by confusing the opposition*

  219. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – get that Zulma commenting on here. Let’s see how dotty she is.

    And by the way – you look much normaler in the video than I expected Dave…so…



  220. charliemingles Says:

    Yes, dave, youve finally redeemed yourself after that neptunes fork fiasco

  221. Dave Says:

    I’m an Eric Clapton without the talent , or hateful gaze I look different every time my image is recorded.

  222. Clarry Says:

    Jamie’s Ministry of Food:

    Kids eating kebab
    Six nights a week, no wonder,
    Their mum’s in rehab

    The lower classes:
    Shown how to cook and told to
    Get off their arses

    Strictly Come Dancing:

    Celebs in sequins
    Dancing for our amusement
    ‘Til one couple wins

    Two Pints and a Packet of Crisps:

    Two pints of Lager,
    With that wanker Ralf Little.
    Complete load of shite.

    Egg heads:

    It’s on everyday.
    I like all the Eggheads ‘cept
    That pillock CJ.

    Britain’s Best Dish:

    Poor man’s Masterchef
    With that cow Jilly Goolden.
    Concentrate on wine.

  223. charliemingles Says:

    wahoo! youve found your voice miss clarry.

    *succesfully avoids making any smutty comments*

  224. Clarry Says:

    Bally work keeps getting in the way…

  225. wally bazoom Says:

    I hate the eggheads and I suspect that they hate themselves. And I hate any show with multiple choice questions. You not that clever, are you, eggyheads? You don’t see PAXman or Humphrey waving around the answers, do you?


  226. Kremble Says:

    Now then SH me old son – I’m on the NHS gravy train/soul destroying shift pattern/satanic death mill.

    Mostly I spend time
    Working in hospitals that
    Stink of wee and poo

  227. Kremble Says:

    But I can’t get t’interweb at work, so I’m usually only able to access it once every two or three days. Hence the rock I live under.

    Its a waste of time
    Trying to make people well
    They’ll die anyway


  228. recoder Says:


    Bloke with a fat face
    Moaning about everything
    Speaking for the herd

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