Newsgush – Total Recall


In our irregular, slightly unpopular news item we take a little look at Marketing magazine’s Adwatch feature, this time dated 15th October. And what a cracker it is this time around.

So – if you’ll do us the honour of casting your mind back – you’ll remember Adwatch gathers information from those rotten swines, the general public. Then –using computers – it figures out which ads are more easily recalled in the empty, addled and simple minds of the unwashed masses (that’s us).

Let’s have a look at the Top 5. At this point, please imagine ‘The Wizard’ by Paul Hardcastle playing in the background. Or click here if your imagination is feeble. 

5.) Greggs
I don’t actually remember ever seeing an ad for Greggs appear on my TV. I’m finding it difficult to believe they actually advertise, as the Greggs near my manor is essentially a doss-house for crackheads and ageing ladies of the night. Every time I walk past, it’s scattered with the flaking imagery of the Hackney undead. Perhaps they’re attracted by the delicious cream horns.

4.) Subway
Balls to Subway and their revolting food. Have you ever been in one?
It’s ridiculous. You stand in a queue and go along on a meet-and-greet with the chain-gang employees (no doubt being paid tiny peanuts) trying not to be pernickety about how many kernels of corn you want in your ridiculously elongated bap. If you ask for steak and cheese, they put a small tray containing a mass of what genuinely resembles bum-pickings into a microwave. It’s deeply unappetising. I can’t recall the advert.

3.) Hovis
Again – this one’s gone straight over my head – if I’ve ever seen it. Do people really buy bread based on an advert? I can’t say I’ve ever seen a loaf on TV and made a mental note to purchase one the next day at dawn. There are too many other thoughts banging around my brain like ‘if I don’t do some work in the office tomorrow I will get fired‘, ‘they should, one day, make a gameshow with a skyscraper made out of jenga blocks‘ and of course, the perpetual repeat-playing of the question ‘have I got a terminal disease?‘.

2.) Marks & Spencer
That’s more like it! Of course I remember this. M&S have pulled off the trick of putting a piece of crumpet in their advert, running around in her underwear again. The fact they do this every single time means this is a successful campaign. I like the fact that, in the new one, she’s running around a fairground in her smalls. If she’d tried that in any of the travelling fairs I attended as a child she’d have promptly been dragged off to a dark area behind a lorry by the feral-looking monster who ran the waltzers. Someone should have a word with that naughty French siren – and I’m volunteering.


This advert makes me want to kill, maim and die. dot com. Lobotomised spectres walk around a white, containing only badly rendered painted by It makes me and I can’t bear it. (dot com)

So there we have it. Once again, we see that the adverts we remember are, on the whole, the ones that…

a.) make us want to kill, or
b.) show us perfect-looking ladies running around in their pants.

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131 Responses to “Newsgush – Total Recall”

  1. Dave Says:

    Barry Scott’s haunted my dreams for months now. Told me to microwave my last grandma’s cat last Tuesday, and I did. BANG!, Mopsey went. BANG!

    Still, cleaning the mess afterwards was breeze.

  2. Dave Says:

    For Christ’s…..

    I should really check my comments before sending. Why haven’t I learnt that by now?

  3. badgermadge Says:

    That Greggs one is a tad disturbing. By the end of it, hes sitting in a van, eating a pasty and the the van is rocking as if to suggest that Greggs’ savory goods are tasty enough for a northern working class man to want to fuck. In his van.

    Or that the insides of their cheese pasties taste of jizz.

    Or both.

  4. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve seen this bloke from the Greggs ad somewhere… He’s got this sort of stupidly smug or smugly stupid look on his face… And he is, like, proper Northern, by gum. Isn’t that what they say up there, where Greggs pasties considered an afrodisiac?
    Shit, I can’t remember where I saw him. On telly, but where?

  5. badgermadge Says:

    He’s a comedian. Some kind of stupid unfunny double act…

  6. Swineshead Says:

    That reminds me of a scene in The Wire. A young hopper calls her teacher ‘a cheese faced bitch’.

    Apparently this refers to the expression a lady pulls when her mouth fills with sperms following the act of fellatio.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Who is this greggs man? Anyone fancy finding me a picture?

  8. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I think he might be Peter Kay’s sidekick, whatsisname… Paddy something.

  9. ugeine Says:

    I like Subway. I like it as in ‘it’s decent enough hangover food’. I love the old adverts more then the new one though. One of them had a bunch of stern looking authoritarian people, a teacher, a gym instructor, a football coach, some parents, looking into the camera and telling the viewer do ‘tidy your room!’ ‘do ten pres ups!’ etc. Then, a subway employee (or ‘sandwich arist’ as they’re known in the company) who says ‘what do you want?’ Then the camera turns to an American teen who looks like he’s just been offered a steak and a blowjob and the teen says ‘Yeah, whatever I want.’

    Greggs is mashed pig in pastry. Surely you don’t need to advertise mashed pig in pastry. Along with show business and The Costra Natra, mashed pig in pastry should be recession proof.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Oh right, the other bouncer. He was good as the other bouncer… since then he stood in for Paul O’Grady. He wasn’t a very good stand in.

  11. Nick T Says:

    Greggs sell those things called something like “num nums”.

    Sweet cream filled dough covered in icing.

    I’ve always wanted to try one but haven’t. I fear they would dissapoint me.

  12. badgermadge Says:

    “The expression a lady pulls when her mouth fills with sperms following the act of fellatio.”

    *doubts ladies even do that sort of thing*
    *goes self conscious*

  13. Dave Says:

    Remember the old Spar ads?

    ‘What have I got, why do I smile anyway?
    What have I got that will save the day?’

    A noose?

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Everyone knows (and I think I’ve said this before) that the best ad ever was for Crisp and Dry.

    What day is it today?
    That’s my Crisp and Dry day…
    Every day can be a Friday when you fry with Crisp and Dry.

  15. CJ Says:

    “You stand in a queue and go along on a meet-and-greet with the chain-gang employees” – ha, genuine brilliance.

    This becomes even more entertaining in California, where the (mostly Mexican) employees don’t speak a word of English and instead grunt at you.

    Subway is amazing.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    CJ – Isn’t that the name of Pamela Anderson in Baywatch?
    If so, I’m a big fan.

  17. Dave Says:

    ‘Crisp n’Dry
    Da food stay Crisp n’Dry’

    was better than

    ‘What day is it today?
    That’s my Crisp and Dry day…
    Every day can be a Friday when you fry with Crisp and Dry.’

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you are too young to remember the ad of which I speak. So that makes you a contrarian.

  19. Nick T Says:

    “So near, so Spar”

    Subway is just bread rolls. Not that exciting.
    “Whatever you want, we’ll put it in a bread roll for you as this artistry is beyond you”

  20. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I prefer Shake’n’Vac. Now that was a tune worth dancing to!
    Actually, my favourite ad is (was) for RWhite’s Lemonade. You know, I’m a secret lemonade drinker… They don’t make’em like that anymore.

  21. Toothed Varmint Says:

    O, and Chicken Tonight! How could I forget!

    *starts dancing like a chicken*

  22. Dave Says:

    Sh – No. It’s like your favourite Blue Peter presenter, or Grange Hill theme. That jingle was MY jingle. Old timer.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Old timer? Insulting me, are you? It’s a bit early for that, but I’m game, you Bradley-Branning moulded, sci-fi berk.

    I heard they actually call the Subway Artists ‘Sandwich Technicians’

  24. Dave Says:

    ‘I’m a secret lemonade drinker….’

    Has new connotations today, of course. ‘Water sports’ they call it.

  25. Nick T Says:

    I have a large collection of old ad mp3s with such hits as “Clunck Click” “Cresta, Frothy man” and “Vapona”

    Sad but true…

  26. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Who calls lemonade-drinking a water sport? Are you talking about the sex-people? I must have led a sheltered life…

  27. Nick T Says:

    And tv themes..


  28. Swineshead Says:

    Nobody calls the act of drinking urine ‘secret lemonade drinking’ apart from Dave. Dave coined that phrase after drinking his own urine because he couldn’t find a willing partner to wee in a cup for him.

    He is a disgusting man.

  29. Dave Says:

    What I do is attach an ellaborate contraption to womenfolk’s toilets to harness their essence (wee).

    Either that or the dog’s.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Morning all. I remember all these adverts.

  31. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >What I do is attach an ellaborate contraption to womenfolk’s toilets to harness their essence (wee).

    Can’t see the point of harnessing it, but harvesting it for some later nefarious use might just be the ticket.

  32. Dave Says:

    No. Harness is the righ word. It’s like what those creatures do to the elves in Dark Crystal. Wee is women’s life essence.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Do you have the TV on when you work, Napoleon? Because I’d swear half of these must be on while I’m at work.


  34. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What is men’s life essence? Could it be…?

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Men’s life essence is poo covered in all spunk.

  36. Dave Says:

    They sell them at Greggs don’t they? Washed down with female piss – magic!

  37. Napoleon Says:

    I have it on for The Wright Stuff, and you get a lot of those Greggs adverts on then. This is because The Wright Stuff is watched by scum, and scum eat pasties off of Greggs.

    I note you mentioned Spurs’ woes yesterday. What you don’t realise is it was a tactical decision to get triounced by utter shit side Stoke City. Ramos is a fucking genius.

  38. Swineshead Says:

    The Wright Stuff’s classic sick-day TV for me. You’ve just phoned work doing your best impression of someone moribund, you’ve made a brew and you’ve sparked up a fag. Time for duvet, sofa and The Wright Stuff.

    They punch above their weight on that show with guests you’re surprised they can afford. You get Brigstocke and Gorman where most shows have a Nolan sister or Gary Wilmott.

  39. Nick T Says:

    Bill Odie today….

  40. Swineshead Says:

    There you go – cantankerous monkey-man Bill Oddie’s on it today – costs a fortune to prize him away from his hide.

  41. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >Time for duvet, sofa and The Wright Stuff.
    What, no wank?! Nah, that’s not for me.

  42. Nick T Says:

    I’m watching Judge Judy…..


  43. Napoleon Says:

    They do get good guests, you’re right. Sadly, they spoil it by having Lowri Turner, that cunt judge off of Strictly Come Dancing and Dr. David Bull on it at the same time. I prefer The One Show, where humiliation is the order of the day, AND you get to salivate over Christine Breetches.

  44. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Everyone seems to hate or at least dislike poor ol’ Bill Oddie, but not me. I think he is a knowledgeable, articulate and – most important of all! – passionate connoisseur and populariser of animal sexuality. We need more people like him.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    I get back from work in good time for The One Show. Breetches is very attractive and, as an unnecessary bonus, slightly dim. This makes her a target for my affections once I’ve offed the wife.

  46. indy Says:

    “>Time for duvet, sofa and The Wright Stuff.
    What, no wank?! Nah, that’s not for me.”

    let’s not waste spunk in front of wright. no, give your self a treat. pour up a hot bath and lit some candles. maybe even a glass of sparkling white wine. that’s my kind of “sick day wank”

  47. Napoleon Says:

    After I’ve strangled my girlfriend, Breetches will be MINE. I’ll strangle anyone who gets in my way, understand?

  48. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Wanking in a bath is not very esthetically pleasing since you end up covered with stringy strands of gloop. I imagine.

  49. Nick T Says:

    Cash in th attic! or as some might say Gash…..

  50. Swineshead Says:

    Then you’ll have to strangle me, Napoleon. Good luck – my neck’s thicker than Arnie’s in Commando. And you’ve got girl’s fingers. You ponce.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    1. Your neck’s not that thick, you liar.
    2. I have NOT got girl’s fingers. My hands are an exact replica of Soviet iron-man Joe Stalin’s.
    3. You look like a parrot.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    1. I admit that it isn’t.
    2. I think Joe Stalin’s hands have probably decomposed by now. Are your hands made of dust?
    3. You have an enormous nose.

    How’s that cold? You ripe for a bit of singing?

  53. Dave Says:


  54. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Stalin had tiny hand covered in ginger hair. FACT.

  55. badgermadge Says:

    candles, wine and wank in the bath?

    sorry, that’s reserved for women only. especially the candles bit.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Is sticking a candle up your arse technically wanking, Indy?
    In Sweden, maybe.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    Wanking in a bath is not very esthetically pleasing since you end up covered with stringy strands of gloop. I imagine.

    ‘Jitlers’ is the technical term.

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    or a bottle

  59. Dave Says:

    ‘In Sweden, maybe.’


  60. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Jitlers, huh? Thanks! I learn so much on this site.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve lost my voice completely now. No singing yet, God damn you.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    NC – My sympathies.

    Dave – I make the lists.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    They’re all sex mad in Sweden. Meanwhile, in Germany, they’re all NAZIS.

    Go on, list me up, Parrot Man.

  64. Nick T Says:

    That Charlie Booker “Dead Set” starts next week…

    Blame it on the boogie by Paedo Jackson was just used as background muzak on Bargain Hunt!

    It’s all going on here!!!

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Swedes and Germans are generally exempt.
    Haven’t you people read the rules?

    If Germans weren’t exempt, I’d be screwed for my upcoming review of The Ruins which features a German man being tortured in a mind-bogglingly hilarious fashion.

  66. Toothed Varmint Says:

    They are all poo-sex mad in Germany. Let’s be properly stereotypical.

  67. Dave Says:

    ‘If Germans weren’t exempt, I’d be screwed for my upcoming review of The Ruins which features a German man being tortured in a mind-bogglingly hilarious fashion.’

    Which, by your rules, would make you SEXIST because you’ve labelled the fact he’s a man as well as a Germaniac.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you’re a goon.

    And ugly.

  69. indy Says:

    “Is sticking a candle up your arse technically wanking, Indy?”

    NO! wanking involves cock and hand. if the candle is lit and you are using it on/in another person it is torture. wanking and torture is not a good combination.

  70. Dave Says:

    I win though.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Dave doesn’t wank in the bath, as his bath contains the body-parts of men he’s picked up along Manchester’s notorious Canal Street. Instead, Dave wanks in his bedroom. In the dark.

  72. Nick T Says:

    Kath & Kim return next week.

    Don’t you love Radio Times day?

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Dave doesn’t wank in the bath, as his bath contains the body-parts of men he’s picked up along Manchester’s notorious Canal Street. Instead, Dave wanks in his bedroom. In the dark.

    (with a lit candle up his arse)

  74. piqued Says:

    Wanking and torture not a good combination? Oh come come Indy, it’s the 21st century, W&T is the new Anal

  75. Dave Says:

    Do it wearing rubber gloves though, is my advice. Not the wanking, the dismembering of Granada script editors. They have the AIDS, as Napoleon well knows. He was caught straddling a vagrant gay outside a train station in Barnstaple.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a new Anal? What was the old Anal? Was it Anal?

    (They don’t like it up ’em)

  77. Napoleon Says:

    You’re a goon, Dave. Your best friend is a cardboard cut-out Dalek covered in all spunks. YOUR spunks.

  78. Dave Says:

    You’re my best friend.

  79. ugeine Says:

    I’d hate to interrupt a fine conversation on Dave’s sordid bedroom activities, but has anybody been to conservapedia? It’s bloody hilarious.

  80. Clarry Says:

    NT – Gash in the attic? What with that old boot Lorne Spicer? Good God she be one ugly, palette-faced mutha.

  81. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve just had a look at this conservapedia. Looks promising. Thanks, Ugeine.

  82. ugeine Says:

    It’s addictive reading. I’ve just combed through the evolution, liberal and atheist articles and there’s an outstanding amount waffle.

  83. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I haven’t seen His Orangeness David Dickinson for, it seems, ages. I am concerned, frankly. Is he well?

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Based on no evidence whatsoever, I know for a FACT Dave diddles kids. It’s disgusting.

    I lost my pub quiz yesterday, by the way. Thick as pig shit, me.

  85. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Conservapedia – my first thought was that it’s a pisstake. But it seems serious enough. Which is hilarious in itself.
    Happy reading ahead.

  86. ugeine Says:

    I thought that as well CV. Somebody linked from an article in a forum and I thought it was a really well written hoax. Then I wikipediad conservapedia, and it all made horrifying sense.

  87. Dave Says:

    BPP – And you bring young, Eastern Europen girls over to the UK, with promise of a nice job, only to prostitute them, against their will, from your 1983, coffeecolour Sprite caravan.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    How dare you! I’ve never trafficked a prostitute in my life, you four-eyed goblin. I hope you spent your school days being Chinese burned, monkey-scrubbed and dead-legged, Dave. If I’d been at your school, I’d have jammed a compass into you shoulder on a dily basis, you toadying little oik.

  89. Napoleon Says:

    That was well spelt. Well done me.

  90. Nick T Says:

    I find the Spicer strangly attractive Carry.
    I find she has an earthy charm.

  91. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Define “earthy”, please, Nick.

  92. Nick T Says:

    Conservapedia “Biblical Statements Regarding Atheism”

    Very very funny

  93. Nick T Says:

    In this context Spicer’s earthyness is an honest and down to earth attitude.
    She’s not too proud to visit a boot fair and I would imagine (whilst sitting in a bath full of wax, gloves and my own essence) cry joyfully if I was to do the sex on her.

  94. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Speaking of hilarious religious piss-take, I remember Adam Buxton’s one, when he subtitled Songs of Praise to a brilliant effect. Oh Claude, Serge love, I want a spa from you as I cook beef!..
    The cunts. They didn’t commission Buxton’s wonderful MeeBox, but found money for producing that putrid pile of aborted foetuses which is known as Coming of Age. I mean – come on!
    Life sux.

  95. Toothed Varmint Says:

    It’s not the same Spicer who put botox into her flabby face on Channel 4 couple of months back, is it?

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued and I are cooking up a new sitcom, as it ‘appens. So far, the broken-backed old git has rejected my idea of a kiddie fiddling shopkeeper in favour of a nurse with huge knockers being done up the bum. BBC Three, here we fucking come.

  97. ugeine Says:

    They didn’t commission the adam buxton thing in the end? Cunts.

  98. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >a nurse with huge knockers being done up the bum

    while she fiddles kiddies. That would cinch it.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon we should call it ‘Nurse My Arse’.

  100. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Far as I know – they passed on it, Ugeine. And pissed on the viewing public, as far as this viewer is concerned. I personally hate BBC3 commisioners.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    TV – The kiddie diddlin’ aspect has already been turned down, sadly. Piqued thinks it won’t go down well with the Nazis at the BBC.

  102. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Communist Jewish Gay Nazis from the BBC, let’s call them by their full title.

  103. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – so the sitcom’s going fine but my music career’s halted due to some dodgy complaint?


  104. Nick T Says:

    I can’t watch botox, plastic surgery type things. It gives me the willies.
    Not so down to earth then eh?

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Nobody said you couldn’t join in, Swineshead. The plan is that Piqued, you and I write our way out of the drudgery of our lives, then leave the dregs wot comment on here behind as we embark on a life of luxury in the Caribbean.

    Mind you, if I see Piqued in his swimming trunks in Barbados, I’m going to projectile vomit.

  106. Nick T Says:

    “Arse my Nurse” surley?

  107. Swineshead Says:

    Sounds like a plan, NC.

    What do we do about our wives?

  108. Who Says:

    Surely we’re not all dregs – just Dave…

  109. Napoleon Says:

    The wives? Why, we jettison them as soon as the first cheque’s banked. I’m damned if I’m letting these normal women we’ve saddled ourselves with stand in our way … not when we’ll be famous enough to qualify for shagging the likes of Cheryl Baker, Moira Stewart and Yoko Ono.

  110. Swineshead Says:

    Can we add Nerys hughes to that list?

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Of course! And the large-breasted Nurse Gladys Emmanuelle.

  112. ugeine Says:

    Anybody who’s reading conservapedia – check The BBC one. It’s great! Apparently the BBC ‘over represents homosexuals’.

    Couldn’t be arsed to check it all, but there was at least one full piece of bullshit: it claims the BBC offers no programming in the ‘scots’ language. I assume it means Socttish Gaelic, and I’m pretty sure there’s a Scottish Gaelic radio station

  113. ugeine Says:

    Conservapedia’s list of great football players:

    David Beckham, Pele, Christiano Ronaldo, Zinedine Zidane

    Like literally 6 LOLs or something.

  114. Dave Says:

    Scottish Gaelic only consist of two words, doesn’t it?

    Root’n and toot’n (always in that order).

  115. Dave Says:

    Scottish Gaelic only consists of two words, doesn’t it?

    Root’n and toot’n (always in that order).

  116. Napoleon Says:

    You could have a bit where a dog shits up a wall, then the nurse with the big tits comes in, slips on the shit, falls on her arse and her tits pop out. Then the dog could have another shit, or something. They’re funny when they’re having a shit.

  117. Swineshead Says:

    We’ll need some dialogue.

    How about:

    Nurse enters room where dog is on mat

    Dog: *Farts*

    Nurse: Oh you dirty old cunt

    (audience laughter)

    Dog: Woof

    (audience laughter)

    Nurse: Don’t you bark at me!

    Dog: Woof

    (audience laughter)

    Nurse: You dirty cunt.

    (audience laughter)

    Dog shits up a wall.

    Dog: Woof

    Nurse slips on the shit, falls on her arse.
    Her Big tits pop out.

    Nurse: Oh! You dirty old cunt, you!
    (audience laughter)

    Dog has another shit, or something.

    (audience laughter – end credits and theme tune – reggae reggae sauce potentially?)

    The End

    We could put the laughing in at the end.

  118. Dave Says:

    SH – So there’ll be no applause for the nurse with big tits when she enters the room?

    Where’s the young Charlie Mingles when we need him…

  119. Napoleon Says:

    That’s good. It’ll need padding out a bit, mind. How’s about the nurse has a father who doesn’t like the ‘bleedin’ woofters’?

    Nurse: Alright, Dad?
    Dad: Grrr …
    Nurse: What’s the matter?
    Dad: I don’t like ’em!
    Nurse: Who?
    Dad: The bleedin’ woofters!

    (Gales of audience laughter as Dad utters his famous catchphrase)

    Nurse: What was that? I’m a bit hard of hearing …
    Dad: The bleedin’ woofters!



    Dog: Christ, I shouldn’t have had that curry last night …



  120. Swineshead Says:

    Every time the father says his (famous) catchphrase ‘woofters’ it is immediately picked up on by the dog, who also woofs. So the ‘ters’ of ‘woofters’ is obscured by the dog-woof. See?

    This adds to the hysterical sense of chaos.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    That’s genius. Does the dog do a shit when Dad starts banging on about the bleedin’ woofters?

  122. ugeine Says:

    There’s not nearly enough sexual innuendo in this script for my liking. I ask, no, demand, that at one point some innocent part of the conversation is taken the wrong way by an effeminate male cast member. IE: Nurse: ‘I love coffee. I need a long shot of something black in me to get me up in the morning.’ EMCM: ‘Oooooh, I bet!’

    Sort it out chaps.

  123. ugeine Says:

    Killed that off. Sorry chaps. *hotfoots to conservapedia*

  124. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – if everyone agrees then your hilarious and original black coffee double entendre is IN.

    Yes NC, I think the dog should shit pretty much constantly.

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine’s idea’s fine by me. You could have the same character say something like,

    “Oooh, Mrs. ‘Arris, I love going by train. My favourites are the really long ones that go through tunnels and come out covered in faecal matter.”

    I’m not that great at innuendos to be honest.

  126. Dave Says:



    Nurse: Ooooh. Give the dog a bone.

    Dad: I’d give more than the dog a bone! Wehay!

    Nurse: Sorry?

    Dad: I said, I’d give more than the dog a bone! Wehay!

    Nurse: But I’m your daughter.

    Dad: What?

    Nurse: That’s right.

    Dad: Who established that then?

    Nurse: Napoleon, I think. He named you ‘Dad’ in the script, so I just assumed…


    *dog shits on floor*

  127. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – that was homophobic.


  128. Napoleon Says:

    Our innocent sitcom is soiled by a goonish Manchester bumpkin. Thanks, Dave.

  129. Dave Says:


  130. ugeine Says:

    NP: I was only able to craft such a fine innuendo through years of painstaking research into the actions of effeminate males. It’s an art form really. The last one took me about 8 months to write, I’m currently trying work out sausages can be used in a sexual context. It’s going to be tough, but it’s what I live for.

  131. Who Says:

    ‘Woofter’ is very chucklesome indeed. Dave, you have a gift and your talents are going unrecognised in that call centre.

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