Scarlett Johansson – Anywhere I Lay My Head


Random internet people, I need you to do me a favour.  If I ever get to the point of meteoric stardom (and with no acting talent and a face like a slapped arse it’s only a matter of time before I join Eastenders) I need you to arrange a hit on me. 

Nothing flashy, or too machiavellian – just hire one of those hoodies to knifecrime me in the back of the head.  

You’d be protecting me from the negative sides of celebrity.  Having so much money and fame would effectively alienate me from the rest of the populace, meaning I would be living in my own world, surrounded by a group of ‘yes men’ – spineless arse-kissers who realise they can let me indulge in any hair-brained vanity project so long as they market it the right way.

Which brings me to Johansson.  She’s the one of the latest stars to hit A–List status and thus she’s decided to record her own album. Unlike other A list bands, who tend to be poor copies of whatever’s popular at the time, it’s a covers album.  Of Tom Waits songs.  Yes, that Tom Waits. 

What next? Keira Knightly records her own version of Trout Mask Replica?  

The song in question is one of Wait’s better ones, ‘Anywhere I Lay My Head’. It’s basically a horn section and Wait’s voice, which sounds like a gravel pit with a forty-a-day habit. From the bottom of the bottle, Waits rasps on about the changes he’s going to make to his life after being spurned by a lover. It sounds something like a male ‘I Will Survive’ but in that fuzzy state of consciousness where your head is spinning and you lost coherent thought-processes ages ago.

While Johansson’s voice doesn’t add anything to the song, her vocals take away all the character and feeling. Waits fans aren’t going to want to listen to somebody murder a good song, so this must have been written for people that just happen to be fans of both. Or, more likely, it’s written for pretentious twunts who want both a bland, inoffensive recording by a famous face and something they can put on their iPod that’ll let other people think they are cultured and well-versed in popular music. 

Which is all well and good if you’re that kind of soulless parasite, but that means the rest of us have to put up with a steaming pile of shit.

Which is why I want you people to knifecrime me. Or at least, when I’ve made a few good films and start recording ‘Ugeine Sings Led Zeppelin in French’, please have the balls to tell me it’s rubbish.

I’d hate to inflict such a misjudged project on an unsuspecting public, simply to stroke my own ego and to give some idiots music cred points.


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132 Responses to “Scarlett Johansson – Anywhere I Lay My Head”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    That’s a terrible cover version. She can’t sing.

  2. Joanne Says:

    *is aghast*

    That was awful. Beyond awful. I thought they could at least faff about with it in the studio to make it sound like she can sing?!

  3. Quincy Phd Says:

    That’s shocking. The cover that is, not the article, which is really rather very good.
    I’d been hearing that as celebrity albums go, her’s wasn’t so bad. Guess those reports were wrong. And Tom Waits too… maybe next time she could complete the ‘disrespecting the greatest recording artists of the world’ trilogy by doing Leonard Cohen and Johnny Cash next.

  4. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I lasted 25 seconds. I am not a huge Waits’s fan, but this is atrocious.
    I don’t get this Scarlett woman. Great tits and all, but what else? What else??!! Why so popular??
    This world is SO ridiculous.

  5. indy Says:

    i “recommend” milla jovovich’s version of lou reed’s “satellite of love”. rrrrrrrubbish!

  6. ugeine Says:

    I wrote this mainly after having a talk about this atrocity with a friend who argued it was a good album because ‘it introduced a new audience to Tom Waits, which has to be a good thing.’ I’m of the opinion that if you need a celebrity endorsement to enjoy an artist you really shouldn’t bother listening to said artist anyway.

  7. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yeah, it’s like Harold Shipman introduced a whole new audience to elderly care.

  8. mostlylouche Says:

    That was painful to listen to, really painful. She doesn’t have the voice to carry this off. Although, lets be honest Tom doesn’t have as nice norks as she does.

  9. ugeine Says:

    NME review of the album it comes from, for some fairness. The text size is supposed to be that large, as if they had it normal size and a page for every review the word count would make it look unnecessary.

  10. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I wish I had nice tits. Cos it seems that’s the only thing going for her but look at the fame!
    Yes, I am bitter and jealous. I believe that my bathroom rendition of John Martin’s “Solid Air” is much better than Scarlett’s quazi-Waitsian warblings. But she’s got much nicer tits than me.
    It’s so UNFAIR.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    What a lovely song. She could do with a bit more meat on her bones, but I’d still do her, even in this emaciated state.

    Anyone’s innards fallen out of their arses yet?

  12. Nick T Says:

    I lasted 28 seconds.

    The start of it is Dance Away by Foxy (geddit) Music innit?

    Look, I’m a broadcaster!

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just realised I’ve missed the deadline to send off stuff to Ringo Starr. Shit on a stick. That VHS copy of The Magic Christian is never going to be signed by the film’s ‘starr’ now.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Why have you misspelt ‘star’?

    Oh. NOW I see.

    Ringo Starlett Johansson.

  15. Nick T Says:

    Aren’t ALL christians magic? Aren’t they?

  16. Napoleon Says:

    I was amazed to discover Ringo’s still married to the once delectable Barbara Bach. I’d have flogged my left nut for a night with the 1977 version of that woman.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I see what you mean…

    She’s like a dirty Charlie’s Angel.

    Bach – any relation to that musician bloke?

  18. ugeine Says:

    You know, on Revolver, The Beatles even experimented with folk. Even folk! This is different to the tin pan alley style rock and roll they used to play in the early days. Good old reliable conservapedia.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Revolver is a good Beatles album but for me Abbey Road knocks off the socks of the others.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    She may well be related to the composer. That’s how it usually works. For instance, I am related to the tennis player Fred Perry; when my surname was Morris, I used to be related to animal wrangler Johnny Morris.

    Next month I’m changing my surname to Coverdale.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I always enjoyed the ponderous White Album most. I first heard it at Swineshead’s parents’ house, and its tediousness appealed to a boy who’d already nailed his colours to the mast of prog rock albums that went on for two and half weeks.

  22. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I always thought the ‘1’ album was their best work. None of th filler.

  23. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I always thought the ‘1’ album was their best work. None of the filler.

  24. daveselectricblanket Says:



  25. Napoleon Says:

    That’s effectively Alan Partridge’s ‘Best of the Beatles’ joke recycled, Dave. You unoriginal little gnome.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    A derivative of an old Partridge gag there from Dave – nice reprocessing there, kiddo.

  27. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Definitely Abbey Road.
    I don’t like the Beatles all that much, mind.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Caught out twice within a minute.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Serves him right. Have your innards by any chance fallen out of your arse?

  30. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What’s with the innards, Napoleon?
    Mine just have, incidentally.

  31. indy Says:

    sh: the skid row singer?

  32. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Listen. If I did steal from Partridge I’m sure somebody stole it from beforehand. It’s a throwaway gag. You hear me!

    What is this? Opportunity Knocks?

  33. Napoleon Says:

    TV – I laid a terrible curse on anyone who dared disagree with me yesterday. Swineshead did, and I was wondering if his innards had fallen out of his arse yet. Glad to hear yours have.

    *keeps score*

  34. ugeine Says:

    My innards have yet to…


    *walks to toilet*

  35. Napoleon Says:

    See? I don’t just make these threats for the good of my health.

  36. Nick T Says:

    Thanks to my diet, I’m lucky if anything come out.
    7lbs lost so far though….

  37. Swineshead Says:

    My innards are fine, thanks for asking.

  38. Nick T Says:

    I liked Band on the Run

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Wings? Bloody awful band.

    Your innards haven’t come out yet, eh? Well there’s still plenty of time for my appalling curse to take effect. Just you wait, Swineshead, just you fucking wait.

  40. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Isn’t it weird watching films with now glamorous actresses as child stars in them?

    The Horse Whisperer – Johansson
    Leon – Portman
    E.T. – Barrymore
    Interview with the Vampire – Dunst
    The Parent Trap – Lohan

    They all have a slightly different air about them these days.

  41. Toothed Varmint Says:

    And I haven’t even disagreed with you yet, Napoleon! Well, I simply have to now, seeing how my steaming innards glisten on the floor.
    I shall inform you of any disagreement forthwith. Just you wait.

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yes! Didn’t have to wait long. First disagreement! Wings were brilliant. Haven’t Alan Partridge taught you anything?
    And yes, I love Band on the Run.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Trust Dave to know all the films starring little girls. I think it’s disgusting that he’s allowed to just wander about without some sort of watch system being set up. AND he wears spectacles, let’s not forget that.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    TV – Wings weren’t brilliant, they were fucking SHITE. If your innards hadn’t already fallen out your arse, I’d be calling down a curse on your innards to come cascading out of your arse.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t believe in religions, curses or magic. So stick your curse up your innards. I don’t believe in Jesus. I don’t believe in Elvis. I don’t believe in Beatles. I just believe in me.

    Yoke and me.

    (And that’s reality)

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Egg yoke?

  47. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – ‘Yoke’.

  48. daveselectricblanket Says:

    NC – That Dakota Fanning in a few years time. What?

  49. Swineshead Says:

    No – ‘yoke’.

    Not ‘yolk’.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not sure you wanted to say ‘Yoke’ there, did you? How are your bowels? Any rumbles going on down there?

  51. Swineshead Says:


  52. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’d heard Wings before the Beatles, actually. I had two LPs when I was 12 – Kiss Live and Band on the Run. They formed me.
    Yes, it’s a sob story.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    What is a ‘Yoke’ anyway?

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Did you mean ‘Yoko’? Or ‘York’? Or ‘Yolk’?


  55. piqued Says:

    Yoka Yola NC

  56. piqued Says:

    ‘A yoke is a wooden beam which is used between a pair of oxen to allow them to pull a load’

    From Wikipedia that is

  57. Napoleon Says:


  58. Swineshead Says:

    I meant ‘Yoko’ obviously.

    A ‘yoke’ is a stick with two buckets on it what milkmaids use.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, one o’ them. I see. Still makes no sense, mind.

  60. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yoke is also some sort of tyranny. Russia was under Mongol-Tartar yoke for 3 hundred years in the Middle Ages. So they told us.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    The ‘E’ is a pretty long way away from the ‘O’ on a keyboard, Swineshead. Have you gone and caught sausagisation of the fingers?

  62. Napoleon Says:

    TV – I suppose you got your own back with that whole Soviet Union malarky your lot dabbled with for most of the 20th century.

  63. piqued Says:


    Daylight come and I wanna go ho-ome

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Harry Belafonte songs, eh? We’re really down with the young ‘uns on this site, what, what?

  65. ugeine Says:

    True story: my mum saw wings at university. They got booed off and Paul walked to the bar looking pissed off. He said to my mum ‘was it that bad?’ And my mum, despite fancying Paul at the time, was overwhelmed by the utter shiteness of it and said ‘fraid so’.

  66. piqued Says:

    Harry Belafonte was it? I’m disgusted you knew that, you racist

  67. piqued Says:

    Ugeine’s story is clearly a lie

  68. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I thought it was the Trio song, you ignorant.

    And ‘go get fucked’ yourself, you little little bitch. All I do is troll the blogs you frequent with inane shite, I don’t see the problem quite honestly.

    Trio…TRR-EEEEE-OOOO…I want a TRIO and I want one now!

  69. piqued Says:

    SH, have you the liars and racists list to hand

  70. Nick T Says:

    “We’re so sorry, Uncle Albert”


    Ug what does your mum think of Razorlight?

  71. Toothed Varmint Says:

    We sure showed them Tartars what’s what during the Soviet era. I would even say that we made a sauce out of them if I were that crass. Actually, some of my best friends are Tartars.
    That reminds me – we have a proverb in Russia which goes “An uninvited guest is worse than a Tartar”. Several years ago some Tartar groups decided that it was tantamount to discrimination and appealed to have this proverb banned. The Russian authorities didn’t go as far as to ban the proverb, but they compromised by changing it. Now it sounds thus: “An uninvited guest is better than a Tartar”.

  72. Nick T Says:

    “Pritt, the non sticky sticky stuff”


  73. Napoleon Says:

    My mother saw Wings and really liked them. To put that into context, she also saw Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, and Deep Purple, and pronounced they were all ‘too bloody loud’. To further explain the quality of my mother’s ear when it comes to music, she regularly plays the soundtrack to ‘The Lion King’ in her car. And owns every Bread album ever made. And likes ELO. And America. And Chicago. And David Essex.

    And Leo Sayer.

  74. ugeine Says:

    Piqued, lying about nano second encounters between my relatives and celebrities isn’t something that pleases me much.

  75. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Get fucked.

  76. piqued Says:

    Wasn’t ‘Get Fucked’ that late night ‘wacky’ cookery show?

  77. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Napoleon – Why would you say such a cruel thing?

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, Jesus. ‘Get Stuffed’? How much was each one o’them made for? 50p?

  79. indy Says:

    TV: “An uninvited guest is better than a Tartar”.
    …and what about the chechens then?

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I’m a cruel man. I once trapped a guinea pig’s head in a door, if you recall? That is not the action of a kindly individual.

    So, get y’self fucked, you boggle-eyed geek.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Bit feisty in here today.

  82. indy Says:

    a friend of mine decapitated a kitten, by mistake, in a door. he was about nine years old and he was being chased by a friend of his for some reason. my friend entered a room and slammed the door shut behind him just to find out that he had killed and guilliotined his beloved pet. fact.

  83. Napoleon Says:


  84. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – What a heart-warming tale.

  85. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Let’s not even talk about the Chechens. I can’t be impartial and fair and I will just come across as a racist cunt if I start venting my views on this particular ethnic group. I know them well unfortunately.
    But I don’t want to come across as a racist cunt. Not yet, anyway. I’m sure it’ll manifest itself soon enough, though.

  86. daveselectricblanket Says:

    NC – But I have no friends and am in the throws of deep psychosis.

    I see you as a father figure. I even have a miniature Blu Tack Perry sat on my desk called Alan – I’m making it a house out of those ‘fun size’ cereal packets you can buy in shops.

  87. ugeine Says:

    You should run a special article on WWM that involves Napoleon randomly insulting anybody who left a comment. It could be like a ‘dis article’, kind of like that godawful Dennis Leary programme.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    a friend of mine decapitated a kitten, by mistake, in a door. he was about nine years old and he was being chased by a friend of his for some reason. my friend entered a room and slammed the door shut behind him just to find out that he had killed and guilliotined his beloved pet. fact.

    *is wanking*


  89. piqued Says:

    There was a regular feature in The Idler called ‘Pet Deaths’ (‘they just come apart in your hands’) which was rather jolly.

  90. ugeine Says:

    You utter bastard TV. I love Cheshians, I’ve been to Cheshire and it’s a lovely part of the country.

  91. indy Says:

    oops. seems like i’m a professional provider of pet killing wanking stories and hate promoter.

  92. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I love Ossetians though! Well, I say “love”…
    Chesire is a famous part of England, by the way. Because of the Chesire Cat. Lewis Carroll is big in Russia.

  93. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I used to throw knifes at frogs.

  94. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I mean “knives”. Grrrrh.

  95. ugeine Says:

    What’s your beef with the Chechunims anyway? Don’t worry, I won’t call you a racist.

  96. ugeine Says:


    oh, he hasn’t replied yet.

  97. indy Says:

    sh: ok. one more pet killing story:

    a girl in my school (when i was 14-15 years old) was known as “chubby anna” because of… well. she went over to friend’s place. the friend was having dinner and therefore “chubby anna” was asked to stay in her friend’s room. the room had a very slippery wooden floor (very 90ies) and the floor was almost covered in teenager stuff (magazines, clothes etc). “chubby anna” stepped on a t-shirt, slipped, sat down on her fat ass and… surprise surprise! a rabbit. her friend had a rabbit that used to run around in her room and somehow it managed to be exactly on the spot on the floor where “chubby anna” sat down. the rabbit was crushed, legs standing out from the body. “chubby anna”, either very cool or in a shock, left the death and destruction in silence. her friend and the friend’s family saw her leave the house through their dining room window.

  98. ugeine Says:

    A guy at my school fingered his cat. He was known as captain fingers from then on. Good old playground wit…

  99. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I just hate them. And they hate me too, since I am Russian.
    And they killed my friend. Not during the war or anything, just for money.
    Ah, let’s not.

  100. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Why did they make the girl stay in the room, couldn’t she have dinner with them? It was probably her revenge.

  101. Who Says:

    Cripes, there can’t be two women with the same taste in music. Therefore, I appear to be Napoleon’s mum.

    I’m really very proud of you, son. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.

  102. ugeine Says:

    TV: Don’t worry, I’ll drop it.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Russia sounds dangerous. This is what happens when you have a country where the populace subsist on a diet of potatoes washed down with vodka laced with kerosine. Quite frankly, the sooner this rabble of uncivilised troglodytes move to Mars, the better.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Who – Thanks, Mum. Did you get that James Taylor CD I sent you?

  105. indy Says:

    TV: “…couldn’t she have dinner with them?”

    because she was cubby.

    and yes. it probably was her revenge. two years later her boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident. karma.

  106. ugeine Says:

    Didn’t you make out with Who one time, NP? That’s as far as it went, right?

  107. Who Says:

    It’s lovely. I expect you took a copy of it first?

    I’m sending you a balaclava, a massive jar of my special pickled eggs and a big sloppy kiss.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’ve a roving eye, what can I say? Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with it unless you have kids. If you do, you have to move to the Nevada desert with your family, and devote the rest of your days to strangling 1970s holidaymakers with chains.

  109. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Vodka laced with kerosine is for plebs, I’ll have you know, Napoleon. People who know how to live drink Russian champagne laced with aftershave. I have and it was a profound experience. It looks like shampoo and tastes like denaturated technical alchohol, but it smells nice and makes you MENTAL. Mental, I tells ya.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Who – A big sloppy kiss? Hmm. Are you sure you’re my mother? I have to say I’m doubtful, as I can barely hug the woman without squirming uncomfortably in the correct British fashion.

    Has the balaclava got ear-holes?

  111. ugeine Says:

    He should know, he’s not even Russian.

  112. Who Says:

    NC suddenly turned me into a lesbian during one of his board games, so I’m sticking with that until he tells me different.

    That reminds me, did Thumper ever return from Afghanistan?

  113. Napoleon Says:

    TV – I’d forgotten you’d reintroduced the class system since your lot threw off the shackles of communism. Nowadays there’s not just vodka and kerosine drinking peasants to contend with in the frozen wasteland that is Russia, but murderous gangsters guzzling champagne and aftershave, and thieving billionaire oil barons wolfing down the finest Arabian peninsula gasoline as well.

  114. Who Says:

    The balaclava is a vile mustard and maroon striped monstrosity, knitted from the itchiest wool I could find. I forgot to do holes for both eyes, sorry about that.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    Who – He did return, and apparently it was the most unpleasant holiday he’s ever had. No idea if Moose got back from Mars alright.

  116. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, there always was a class system, be sure of that. A kolkhoz peasant was not the same as a factory worker, who was different from an engineer who, in turn, was miles away from a Party apparatchik. Not even miles – parsecs.
    But one thing unified all of them – passionate love for strong alchohol. In this all the stereotypes are true, I’m afraid. More than you ever know.
    How I laugh when they bleat in the media that UK has a drinking problem!

  117. Napoleon Says:

    Having travelled extensively around Eastern Europe, I too have a chuckle over the media’s bemoaning of the British binge drinking culture. I was in Poland for a month, and don’t recall ever meeting anyone sober – not even at Auschwitz-Birkenau.

    Sadly, I never made it as far as Russia as I don’t want to die just yet.

  118. indy Says:

    TV: so, i’ve heard that the population of russia is steadily decreasing at a rate of 1-2 % a year due to alcoholism and poverty. but has there ever been a time when life has been sweet and fine for the average russian? i don’t mean to offend you but it’s been pretty hard for all times, hasn’t it?

  119. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose you could argue some of ’em guffawed a bit over the Charge of the Light Brigade. Us Brits outdid ourselves over that one.

  120. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t think that there ever were what you’d call good times in Russia. There’s always some sort of trouble going on to a greater or lesser extent. But I’ll tell you what – I don’t know firsthand about life in pre-Communist times, but as far as life in the USSR went – well, it was pretty OK, considering that we just didn’t have that much information about the West to compare our conditions. Life was truly shit in the early 90s – there is a word to describe it in Russian: “bespredel” which roughly means a total breakdown of society. Thank Gorby and Yeltsin for that, the fucks. Actually at the moment life in Russia is not too bad, especially in big cities. people have jobs, money, security, computers and what have you. But no one knows how long it’s gonna last.
    Russians don’t understand themselves and never have. There are volumes written about so-called “Russian character” by Russians and still no-one has a clue why we are the way we are.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    I thought it was all queueing up to buy turnips and sending terrified monkeys into space?

  122. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That and fucking, Napoleon. Russians love to fuck.

  123. Nick T Says:

    Something NOT about me, steady yourselves

    Fun eh?

  124. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, I know. Where would the hardcore pornographic industry be without the willing girls of the former Soviet Union and its satellite states?

  125. Toothed Varmint Says:

    The girls are great, though. There’s no denying that at least.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Though in their faces lie the seeds of their future destruction. That pouty, come-fuck-me, Eastern European mouth we all know and love from blue movies turns, in middle age, to a puffy, Leonid Brezhnev-style cheek, jowel and chin arrangement you see on any boot-faced old bag from St. Petersburg to the Baring Straits.

  127. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You know, you’re right. After about 37 Russian women tend to become starchy, saggy and stout.
    Shit, I never knew that I was misogynist as well as racist. But it’s true! They do! Certainly enough of them do to form such an impression.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    It’s as inevitable as the way the stick thin beauties of Spain, Portugal and Italy turn into screeching, dumpy, red-haired baggages after twenty years of intense baby-making, TV.

  129. daveselectricblanket Says:

    The necklace looks like a Push-Pop – you remember them.

    I’d be offended if my ashes were made into any of the Argos shit they have on that site.

    No, my inevitable end will involve being found naked on a sofa by my neighbour who found it odd I had three months worth of milk outside my door. The funeral, on account of my being a loner, will be paid for by you, the taxpayer, in some shed off a funeral parlor in Slough.

  130. wally bazoom Says:

    I can’t tell you how much I want Kiera Knightly to cover Trout Mask Replica.

  131. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll lend you my Sienna Miller sings Bongo Fury bootleg – it’s da shizzle.

  132. pinkjellybaby Says:

    ewww her voice is horrible

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