Nature Shock: Alien Ice Bear


I like nature programs – especially ones about weird animals. The opening credits hinted that I’d be seeing some pretty alarming stuff, making me really excited for things to get started, not just because the first episode was entitled ‘Alien Ice Bear’.

‘An alien bear?’ I thought. ‘Wicked!’

The program opened with a lot of reconstructions and talking heads. Apparently, some American businessman had gone off to shoot a Polar Bear and had ended up shooting something that wasn’t a Polar Bear. He got into a lot of trouble because he only had a license to shoot a Polar Bear.

Now, I should point out that I shoot things occasionally – rabbits mostly, and then I eat them – but the idea that anyone would be allowed to shoot a Polar Bear horrifies me. They’re rare and their habitat is rapidly shrinking, so we should be doing everything we can to protect them. This probably doesn’t involve letting American businessmen shoot them for shits and giggles.

The businessman shot the bear and posed for photos. The photos showed that this bear had black eyeliner on, so it wasn’t a Polar Bear. Teen Polar Bears don’t become goths to rebel, so this meant he’d bagged some other species. When you do shoot a Polar Bear you have to bring some bits back to show some Rangers so that they can be sure you shot it and not a moose or something.

At this point we got to listen to a CSI-type person waffling on about how they couldn’t tell what it was. A taxidermist also rambled on about how they had never seen anything like this before. We eventually got the point that he’d managed to accidentally shoot something even rarer than a Polar Bear.

After thirty minutes of these people saying ‘Gee wizz! We killed a unicorn!’ they dropped the bombshell that you can cross-breed Polar Bears with other bears. People used to do it in zoos all the time – those crazy Victorians, eh?

The bear, which I was starting to get bored of, was actually just a cross-breed and not that alien at all, really. Nobody had ever heard of a hybrid being born in the wild, so they’d ultimately proved that it could happen by shooting it. Great.

So, after an hour long program they had conveyed information that could be summed up in a paragraph of text.

Next week they’re covering some man-eating river monster that killed someone. They never found a body. I’m going to presume that the vicious monster that killed a person was a rock and go and read a book instead. Or shoot a Gorilla.

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29 Responses to “Nature Shock: Alien Ice Bear”

  1. ugeine Says:

    ‘you can crossbreed the two’.

    The two what?

  2. Nick T Says:

    I get caught out by tv like this. I didn’t see this one (I did read about it though SH) This weeks one is just the same though, just saying.

    “So COULD it have been a catfish”

    Shruggs all round.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    To be honest this article was a rant that I had to edit down to some semblance of normality, so angry was Louche with the show. So I don’t know.

  4. piqued Says:

    Shruggs? Was he in Maddnesses

  5. piqued Says:

    I meant Mhadness but I got carried away with my own pomposity


  6. Nick T Says:

    I’m angry with David Walliams.

    His “new” book is about a boy who goes to school in a dress.

    He’s never read this then….

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Surely there are better reasons to be angry with Walliams? Like wasting his talent on the same catchphrases, time after time (after time)?

  8. piqued Says:

    As far as I’m concerned, following his Frankie Howerd, effort the bloke is fine by me

  9. Nick T Says:

    I’m too used to having my spelling checked on my other comp (yes, its a Mac) plus I am working so normaly just run in and out of here.
    Plus my spelling is dreadfulll

  10. Nick T Says:

    I heard him interviewed and being asked how he came up with the idea from the book.

    I just can’t let it go….

  11. Nick T Says:

    Homemade (by me) Mushroom Fritatta herby leaf salad spoonfull of mayo.

  12. ugeine Says:

    Ham sarnies and a Pepperami.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Nick T – 0/10
    Ugeine – 8 /10

    Me – Cheese & Pickle, hula hoops and a double decker – 7.5/10

  14. Nick T Says:

    Don’t they put Polar Bears in pepperami?

    SH I call that a schoolboy lunch although you would neeed to complete it with a can of coke

  15. charliemingles Says:

    cup of nettle tea in my bare feet as the wind howls all round my cottage windows. Just got up and thats my breakfast.

    Im out of butter and and cant bring myself to venture the 20 min walk to the shop to get milk etc.

    thats the sort of glamorous life I lead.

  16. ugeine Says:

    In your face Nick!

  17. ugeine Says:

    Just like the wire.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Duking the stats there…

    Mingles – eat something or you will DIED

  19. Nick T Says:

    Link of the day

  20. charliemingles Says:

    dont worry SH. Ive got some bananas on toast now.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Some major players appear to be absent today.


    Have I missed anyone?

  22. piqued Says:

    I’ve posted a few times


  23. charliemingles Says:

    Bollocks! Stick your knickers on and make us a nice cup of tea:

  24. goerge Says:

    No search term of the day?

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Google Search Term of the Day goes to the deluded sap who typed…

    Dave Gorman Nude

    …into Google and found us barely talking at all today, apart from a brief chinwag about Mingles’s empty tum tum. Dave Gorman is a wit and an intelligent broadcaster, as well as a great stand up. What’s more, he sure looks good in the buff, with a set of crackers you could light a bonfire with. Congrats to that googler – and thanks to Goerge who can get his shit together to prompt a small, regular feature in the comments feature of an obscure blog but can’t even spell his own name.

  26. Dave Says:

    perhaps they were after a googlewack.

  27. Kdee Says:

    lmaoooo alien bear? BHAHAHA wtf dude…I saw this type of bear. Crazy looking little shits, cool tho, I had no idea that a grizzly would ever mate with a polar bear.

  28. dave Says:

    kill the only hybrid known very clever dick wad

  29. Daniel HaXteN Says:


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