The Friday Question: Scary stuff

by

Charlie Brooker’s much-anticipated zombie homage / Big Brother parody ‘Dead Set‘ is on our screens on Monday and Hallowe’en is just around the corner. It’s generally a time of year when the channels stick a load of old horror films on, into the night, in a half-hearted nod to the time of year.

The scariest things I’ve ever seen in TV haven’t been late night horror films, however. They’ve been from far less likely sources.

Stranger danger adverts that should really have been laughable, ‘Charley Says‘ miaowing like some freaky banshee, anything by The Children’s Film Foundation… I wasn’t a particularly nervous child but all of these things gave me the willies.

So – think back and let us know…

What TV stuff has scared you silly?

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281 Responses to “The Friday Question: Scary stuff”

  1. wally bazoom Says:

    Probably this is quite hackneyed for people of my age, but BBC’s Ghostwatch from the early 1990s did a number on me. I watched it since growing up, and knowing it was all for jokes, and it was still bloody frightening. Impeccable telly. You can’t peck it.

    Other than that – Mr Noseybonk.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Is Noseybonk the youtube creature who plays with potted plants? That’s weird, that is.

    Life of Brian terrified me when I was 5 years old.

  3. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Sadly, the sources of my childhood televisual horrors will be meaningless to you all, what with them being Soviet (although there was also this Chechoslovakian cartoon mole that scared the shit out of me), but I’ll tell you what – I’ve always found this bit in the old “The Bill” opening sequence unsettling somehow – you know, when they show coppers’ feet walking bit seemingly not advansing along the cobbled street. I don’t know, it used to creep me out a tad.
    Bruce Forsyth definitely gave me the creeps the first time I saw him. I still cringe when he’s on the telly.
    Oh, and Terry Christian.

    It’s lame, I know, but what’re you gonna do…

  4. wally bazoom Says:

    Yuh, there’s some stuff floating around. Watching it was like the end of It, where he’s the spider in the cave. It’s like amateur dramatics…… on acid.

  5. wally bazoom Says:

    I know what you mean about The Bill feet – there’s something eerie about how unhurried they are. Although the music didn’t work at that pace.

  6. ugeine Says:

    Casualty. I’m positive this is the sole influence on my jumpy nature. Casualty, obviously, is a show about an accident emergency room. It’s been on since 1567, every Saturday. Like all soaps, the story will contain an A and B storyline (usually joe everyteenager is led astray by an evil teenager) and ends up with a fish hook in the lung.

    So, every Saturday, you need scenes that lead to injuries.
    That’s every Saturday, 52 Saturdays a year, for my childhood. It turned me into a gibbering wreck. One minute a jolly old man is doing the washing up, next minute he’s trying to explain to the paramedics why he’s got a spoon jammed in his colon. One minute somebody is causally twiddling his tumbs, next minute his thumbs have fallen off and he’s screaming and blood’s going all over the place. By the end, I couldn’t go anywhere without imagining my own Casualty scene.

    I’m still unusually jumpy now. I can’t leave a hot drink near the edge of a table because one episode saw somebody get their balls scalded. I won’t touch DIY. This is more then ghosts and beasties shit, this is a major disorder. Cheers casualty.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    The Bill feet are a bit weird – and you’ve reminded me of Crimewatch which I used to watch as a child because of confusing, proto-sexual feelings I had for PC Jackie Haines. I loved that woman. But I was scared bumless by the rogues’ gallery they’d put up:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/crimewatch/wanted/

    Or, even worse, the sex pest photofits…

  8. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What terrified you in Life of Brian, Swinwshead? Was it Judith, by any chance?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – as a child I was allowed to watch anything from before I can even remember. Hellraiser was my film of choice at the age of seven or eight, so outright gore didn’t upset me – I found Casualty quite funny (my old Ma was addicted).

    What scared me was the unsettling stuff that hinted at much, much worse. The Stranger danger example – they never were explicit about what these strangers got up to and not having any idea about what paedophilia might entail, I always imagined the hoodwinked kids being taken to the most gruesome torture chambers imaginable for Nazi experiments.

  10. wally bazoom Says:

    I’ve often wondered at the sanity of watching paramedics pull mutlilated bodies out of a pile up as entertainment.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    TV – it was Terry Jones as Brian’s mum. I’d seen Terry J as a woman before in countless Python sketches, but something about that black robe got to me.

    And the crucifixion scene did me in, to top it off. I think it’s the first time I’d considered that it might actually be a bit painful.

  12. ugeine Says:

    I watched the firday the 13 aged 11, SH. I knew ghosts weren’t real, I knew that even as a seven year old (Richard Dawkins lovechild over here) and that kind of graphic horror fantasy was scary, but nothing compared to the mundane horror of mutilation Saturday.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I see what you mean, Ugeine – the kitchen sink mutilation aspect. Terribly unpleasant.

  14. Badger Madge Says:

    The laugh at the end of Rentaghost, Dark Towers (a drama that was in that Wordy programme – taught you to read, we watched it at school), Dr Who (Cat people), Terry Wogan presenting live.

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    If we’re talking films, Event Horizon fucks me up good and proper every time…

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Wordy was nice. I liked Wordy.
    The fact he was a mutated upper body floating around unnaturally… that seemed fine to me.

  17. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Speaking of the Pythons and mutilation, I still think that this live liver removal scene from The Meaning of Life is fucking HORRIBLE and it still upsets me.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Off topic, but the Marriage Guidance Counseller scene in Now For Something Completely Different (with Idle seducing Cleveland) was the first instance of me realising just how great baps look.

  19. Badger Madge Says:

    Wordy was fine, it was the drama Dark Towers they did in his show. It was about a… um… Dark… Mansion… No idea of the plot but I just remember the credits – this dark, stormy house (a bit like the front of Christ Church college in Oxford if you know it…). Anyway. Scary. Type. Thing.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Wordy also orchestrated Badger Girl – a tale of horse rustling in Dartmoor which was unnecessarily terrifying.

  21. Badger Madge Says:

    Excellent!

  22. daveselectricblanket Says:

    badger girl, geordie racer and through the dragons eye were odd as hell.

    are you afraid of the dark was a scary kids show on nickelodeon. was usually their last show until the channel changed to rubbish tnt.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    The thing that shit me up most was a TV Licensing advert from the early 80s featuring a cartoon pair of eyes. I convinced m’self those eyes were under my bed, and all hell broke loose.

    Much better versions of those Public Information Films are available here:

    http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/films/

    I especially like the 40s and 50s ones explaining how the new health service will work, and how new towns will lead us to a brighter tomorrow. And then we got Basingstoke.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    The nuclear war one about disposing of your family’s bodies is a barrel of laughs …

    http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/films/1964to1979/filmpage_casualties.htm

  25. Nick T Says:

    Zombir films scared the bejasus out of me.

    Kenny Everett was the voice of Charlie the cat you know…

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Got it?
    Fine.
    Understand?
    Handkerchief sneeze.
    See what I mean?
    That’s the idea, fine, now you can carry on.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I hate Zombirs.

  28. Nick T Says:

    Of course |I meant ZOMBIE although Zombir was gripping.
    Johnny Vegas has lost weight eh?

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Almost unrecognisable, wasn’t he? Phil J is twice his size now.

  30. Nick T Says:

    Oh yeah?

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tyEiW_zyrD0&feature=related

  31. Nick T Says:

    I have the same shirt as Phil, but not the same size.
    I saw him singing with the blockheads on the tube of you

  32. Nick T Says:

    I liked the cockernee guy. Amstel is such a fucking snob, funny but…..

  33. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I don’t find snobism such a bad quality. In fact, I rather like it. Ah, you wouldn’t understand.

  34. Nick T Says:

    I won’t understand if you can’t explain…..

  35. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t think Amstell is a snob at all. And I think Dyer is a bit of a c0ck – but at least he seems aware that he’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

  36. Toothed Varmint Says:

    No, Nick, not you personally, a collective “you”. It was my lame attempt to be snobbish. I am learning.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    None of this is scary, by the way.
    The amount of emails and notifications I’ve received about Nick’s podcast have scared me, if I’m honest.

  38. ugeine Says:

    Danny knows full well he’s made a career out of this blokes own cheeky cockney character and he’s most likely nothing like that in real life, and Simon was jut calling him out on it. Nothing to do with class.

  39. ugeine Says:

    I was going to try and review Danny Dyer’s ‘people wot go to footy games and bang samwan aaat cos it’s a laugh’ but I couldn’t bring myself to watch that abortion of a tv show again.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    ‘again’?

  41. Nick T Says:

    SH really?
    My intention is not to annoy or scare, obviously.
    But what’s a lad to do?

  42. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I think Zippy is scary. If looked at through the eyes of an adult – he is hideous. (He’s a “he”, right? I don’t want to appear overly sexist).
    And old black-and-white Flowerpot Men are creepy.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    I only know this Dyer fella from a half-decent comedy horror film I saw a couple of years ago. What’s everyone’s beef with him?

    Hey, like, where’s the beef?

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Not really Nick – I WAZ PLAYIN WIT UR MINDS.

    Zippy’s not scary, he’s sexy.

    Bagpuss is quite unnerving.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Severance was alright, actually.

  46. ugeine Says:

    SH: Try watching it. It’s horrific. He might as well just sit in front of the camera and glorify violence for half hour.

  47. Napoleon Says:

    Severance, that was it. I thought it was quite fun. I liked that The Cottage film as well with him off of League of Gentleman, and her wot looks like a Barbie doll off of Brookside.

  48. daveselectricblanket Says:

    wasn’t there a 4schools continuity in which a schoolgirl peeled off the skin on her finger in woodshop, revealing just the bones?

    if anyone can hunt that down it’s bloody freaky.

  49. Nick T Says:

    SH, oh you!

  50. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I must have missed the shift in conversation. How come everyone’s talking about this dwarf Dyer? Or maybe he is an imp. A dwarfish imp.

  51. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Zippy sexy? Is it because of his mouth?
    But it HURTS to be caught in the zipper, oh how it hurts. That’s why he’s scary.
    It’s like this film “Teeth”, but, you know, for kids.

  52. indy Says:

    What TV stuff has scared you silly?

    twin peaks: the moment when bob turns up from behind the sofa

    …and burns and galloway in leotards.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I saw that peeling finger one when I was at school. I remember being shown a shitty sex education video where a nude man with sideburns stood next to a nude hippy woman with a vast pubic mound, and then it cut to a baby. “Ah,” thinks I, “that’s what makes children.” Imagine my surprise when I found out you had to do more to continue the species than grow bugger’s grips, strip down to your birthday suit and stand next to a hirsute flower-child.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Twin Peaks was pretty freaky, now you mention it. The reverse dwarf did my nut in.

  55. Swineshead Says:

    I watched a woman with huge, pendulous melons play volleyball with her well hung husband in sex education. Then big tits shitted a baby out of her fanny in a seamless edit.

    One minute: bouncy bouncy fun time.
    Next minute: Blood, afterbirth, wailing, hospital whites.

  56. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Nude Keith Chegwin.

  57. indy Says:

    when the horse appears in the living room! that was a very unlikely scared silly moment but at the time it was very freaky. obviously “freaky” in a scary way, not in the hip hop way.

  58. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You disappoint me. I thought that all British people used to hide behind the sofa because of the Daleks, but no-one’ve mentioned it yet. I need the comfort of my long-formed stereotypes, you know.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    I remember some vile giving birth video too. I remember at the time wondering what relevance this had to me. Twenty years later, I’m still wondering. Bring back the good old days where the hospital rang you in the Dog and Duck to tell you the news you were a father, that’s what I say.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t ever remember hiding behind a sofa to Doctor Who. This was principally because Doctor Who was – and still is – unwatchable SHIT.

  61. indy Says:

    children are quite scary. you know, the “i-see-dead-people”-children. in swedish fiction we’ve had a lot of middle aged white men to scare us lately. the d-fens character from falling down (middle class rage, faludi’s “stiffed”, the nascar vote etc), family father freaks out and kills and terrorize friends, family and neighbours.

  62. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yes!! Napoleon, I agree with you about Doctor Who. Shit it certainly is.
    Oh, how good it feels to say it! Usually when I utter this opinion in British company, everyone looks at me with disgust and pity, thinking – funny foreign fool, he just doesn’t understand…

  63. Napoleon Says:

    The Milkybar Kid wasn’t particularly scary, Indy. And neither were the kids from Press Gang.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    TV – You’ll find plenty of supporters on here, my friend. Not Dave, obviously … but then – who needs Dave’s support?

  65. indy Says:

    disagree with naps and tv about the doctor.

    what about the girl that got hit by a car and went totali lazarus? she was scary, wasn’t she?

  66. Clarry Says:

    I agree Wally – Ghostwatch scared the shit out of me too. I didn’t realise it was a joke. I know it got a bit silly towards the end, but do you remember the bit where they’d found the dog foetuses?

    I was also scared/creeped out by:

    a) the Moomins
    b) the horrible pre-summer holiday video of the dangers of corn silos
    c) the ‘hairy hand’ (think that was radio not tv though)

  67. Napoleon Says:

    The snapping bones girl? That was horrible, but it wasn’t scary.

    And you’re wrong about Doctor Who.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    You were scared of The Moomins? That’s as ridiculous as being terrified by The Flumps; or recoiling in horror whenever a Clanger hoves into view.

  69. indy Says:

    clarry: the moomins are very scary indeed, and i bet that you didn’t have to listen to the swedish-finnish version (a strange accent/language where the letter “b” is replaced by “p”). the fascinating stuff about the moomins though is the gender politics. tove jansson, who invented the moomins and their world, was a life long closet lesbian and filled the stories with sexual angst. pretty dark stuff for a childrens story.

  70. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, I know the Moomins! We had them. Well, the books, not the cartoons. They weren’t scary. I also remember books about Muffin the Mule (again, no TV show) and I was definitely scared by some of them. There was this sinister penguin…

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – Rubbish! Lesbianism? Underlying sexual undercurrents?

    TOMMYROT, CLAPTRAP & BALDERDASH. Been to university, have we? Eh?

    Bloody students.

  72. Clarry Says:

    Not by the stories Nap, but by their horrible featureless faces. Plus it was the illustrations of them in the books that were worse – and not just the moomins themselves but the other creepy characters. I used to hide the book when I went to sleep. Look at these:

    NC, SH and Wally – do you remember the drowing in the corn silos videos?

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Doctor Who isn’t scary. Good theme tune, apart from that – RUBBISH

  74. Clarry Says:

    Look at that little freak on the right, with phallic hair…

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I do remember the silo girl – it was like the bit at the end of Harrison Ford’s Amish Witness.

  76. piqued Says:

    Doctor Who frightened the fuck out of me when I was little

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Who did?

  78. Napoleon Says:

    I remember that silo one. It certainly made me avoid the many, many corn silos in my area. In a similar vein, a chap once came to our school and showed us a distressing video of children being burned to cinders on electrified third rails. Living in a part of the country that ran nothing but sputtering diesel Sprinter trains along its handful of remaining lines, I was sure to heed this warning, and am glad to report the dreaded third rail never got me, or any of my friends.

  79. Toothed Varmint Says:

    We didn’t have any TV scare-campaigns (we only had 1.5 TV channels anyway), but I remember our form teacher telling us to be extra-careful in the city because there’d been incidents of child disapperances and it was undoubtedly the 7th day adventists who were responsible, because they need innocent blood for their ritual sacrifices. She was a good teacher, Olga Ivanovna was. To this day I’m scared shitless of these bloody Adventists.

  80. piqued Says:

    There was a ‘never go with strangers’ movie they ran every year at school

    It had a playground scenario of a bloke doing the whole ‘puppies’ shit to a little girl and she goes off with him. Mid way through the film the teachers would cut it and all the little ones would file out until, one day, I was old enough to see the end.

    I can only remember the second part began with a voiceover ‘Jenny has been caught’ and a shot of a little girl bound, lying on a bed crying with a man standing over her. It was truly nasty stuff, my brain has erased the rest of it but I’m sure it finished there.

    The 1970’s eh?

  81. Clarry Says:

    Here’s some of them – can’t find the grain silo one though. They’re a bit slow going but harrowing none the less. Remember we were shown these when we were about 7!

    http://www.social-anxiety-community.org/db/showthread.php?t=28601

  82. indy Says:

    dr who – great soundtrack, not scary but well entertaining, eccleston was better than wotsisname, billie piper better than one would expect (haven’t seen the later episodes yet) and very exciting stuff for a non-brit because of it’s populist take on british society.

  83. piqued Says:

    Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker for me you young whippersnapper!

  84. indy Says:

    who are you? gandalf?

  85. Napoleon Says:

    None of ’em for me, thanks! Because they were all SHIT.

  86. piqued Says:

    None shall pass

    What?

  87. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – seriously? Gagged and bound on a bed?

    Fuck, how did you stop yourself licking the screen?

  88. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never seen this one Piqued’s on about. I suspect that’s because it doesn’t exist. Your mind plays tricks when it gets as old as his has.

  89. piqued Says:

    (ahahahaha)

    Yep, straight up. The year before I was old enough to see the teacher didn’t cut it soon enough and the image of the kid on the bed was fused into my little brain

    Did do me any harm mind

    *plays with dolly*

  90. piqued Says:

    Nappers, I’m afraid it’s very real, it would be deemed unsuitable now no question.

    Just off to see some fluffy kittens

  91. Woo Says:

    I am so old, this used to send me into a four-year old’s conniption fit.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zokko

    A talking pinball machine. AAARGH.

  92. Clarry Says:

    SHIT! I think a budding Tarantino made the forklift film…

  93. Swineshead Says:

    I love pinball and, frankly, I’d love a talking pinball machine. You big jessy.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Anyone ever see ‘Apaches’? I got shown it at school when I was about six (or thereabouts), and it was a series of appalling scenes of kids being run over by tractors, drowning in shit and drinking bleach. I think it was a warning about playing on farms. Shit me up more than Threads, that did.

  95. indy Says:

    piqued: who starred in it that film?

  96. Woo Says:

    Yes, I am a big jessie, I went to see Keane last night ffs!

    *Ducks to avoid hail of shit*

  97. piqued Says:

    Brain Cant

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Surely you already got pelted with shit yesterday, Clair?

  99. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Was it the worst gig ever, Woo? Honestly? Honestly?

  100. piqued Says:

    Woo, do you remember that ‘don’t go with strangers’ film?

  101. Woo Says:

    Piqued, I used to work with a dyslexic called Brian. He used to go to The Brain Club a lot, presumably as he thought it was named after him.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    *avoids all Keane talk*

    I knew a dyslexic who sold his soul to Santa.

  103. Woo Says:

    http://www.instantrimshot

    all round, Emperor! And I loved the gig, the big fat fucking jessie I am. And I think I have a very vague memory of the pre-teen porn that was the stranger film; it may have made a *certain* impression on me, too.

  104. Woo Says:

    that’s

    http://www.instantrimshot.com

  105. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll wager that playground one wasn’t half as bad as Apaches. I’m currently re-living my childhood nightmares via the wonders of YouTube. It’s just as ghastly as I remember it.

  106. Clarry Says:

    Ok, one last one

    Check the guy in the polo neck at about 3.30, reminds me of the safety advert on Young Ones with a cling film parcel of mashed bananas and jam (the kid) and the cricket bat with a breeze block (the car).

  107. piqued Says:

    It was worse than fucking Apaches NC, much, much worse

    Those fluffy kittens have massive cocks

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Did it have a kid drowning in cow shit? I doubt it, Piqued.

  109. piqued Says:

    I remember that one Clarry

  110. Swineshead Says:

    I’m just amazed we’re past 100 comments and still on topic

  111. Toothed Varmint Says:

    This Apaches film is brilliant! I’d never known otherwise. Thanks, guys!

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Cocks?

  113. piqued Says:

    It was slurry NC, I’VE TOLD U A THOWSEND TYMES NOT 2 EXAGGGERATESZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A\DJ;S

  114. Napoleon Says:

    TV – Have you got to the bit where the girl’s screaming her head off after drinking paraquat? Fun, eh?

  115. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Forgive me. The kid drowns in cow shit and water. How foolish of me not to point that out.

  116. piqued Says:

    That’s okay NC, but just watch it okay -don’t get sloppy yeah

  117. Napoleon Says:

    I had no idea you were such an expert on the ins-and-outs of the farmyard, Piqued.

    Mind you, now I’ve read that back …

  118. piqued Says:

    Well, I grew up on one

  119. Clarry Says:

    NC the first link I sent about the farm videos has all the Apache vids on it. And a very Tarantino-esque take on the dangers of forklift driving. Think that one might appeal to SH.

  120. Clarry Says:

    Sorry NC – I see we’ve already established that – forgot to refresh comments. Duh!

  121. indy Says:

    piqued: “Well, I grew up on one”

    …and then you threw out mr jones

  122. piqued Says:

    (I didn’t really)

  123. Napoleon Says:

    I briefly lived on a farm in the Lake District when I was ten (in a caravan, no less). I once saw an absolutely stupid woman exercising a horse on a concrete courtyard covered in slurry. The horse went over, screamed like fucking nobody’s business with its bones torn through its hind leg, and then my step-father put a bullet in its head. I loved living there, it was FUN.

  124. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Just finished watching the Apaches film. Bloody hell. They sure don’t make’em like that anymore.

  125. Clarry Says:

    TV – If you watched them through that link I posted, scroll down a bit further and watch the funny one on forklifts.

  126. Napoleon Says:

    TV – They don’t, do they? I imagine you’d have the authorities after you if you showed a class of six year olds that nowadays. This is the reason young people have no fucking backbone anymore.

  127. indy Says:

    yeah – six year olds should been sent to basra, right?

  128. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I worked on a collective farm, well, on several of them, actually. They used to send schoolkids to help the farmers and to know what it’s like to work manually. I didn’t encounter that much danger. Well, there was loads of weed growing all over the place, so that made everything very mellow indeed.

  129. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thanks, Clarry, I’m going to watch that one and all of them, actually! Fascinating stuff, absolutely fascinating.

  130. indy Says:

    collective farm and some time with sgt hat. you’ve lived an interesting life so far, tv. when was that, when you were sent to the collective farm? soviet times, right?

  131. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – I wouldn’t go that far. I would, however, advocate a system that allows them to see daylight independent of their parents before they reach maturity. Perhaps not on the farm depicted in the film ‘Apaches’, mind …

  132. Toothed Varmint Says:

    But I saw a young pig being castrated once. I must have been about 10. It was my grandparent’s pig and they called a vet to do it. The pig squealed so luodly that I was semi-deaf for an hour afterwords. I actually didn’t watch the process, got squeamish. I hid in the attic, I think. My granddad wanted me to see it all, to make me a man. I don’t know what he meant by that, he was an old school Cossack with his own set of views on education. I remember our cat Vaska eating a big bluish pig-ball afterwards. With gusto.
    Golden memories.

  133. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Indy, yes, before Perestroika even. The 80th. First stirring of youth, as it were.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    I’m surprised the cat got the pig balls over your family, TV. Were you members of the politburo that you could be so slapdash with such highly-prized meat products?

  135. Swineshead Says:

    Good God, TV!
    Interesting stuff. It’s nice getting the perspective of yourself, from violent, oppressive Russia and Indy too – with his tales of nude, aged Swedes mucking about in saunas all day.

  136. indy Says:

    “I remember our cat Vaska eating a big bluish pig-ball afterwards. With gusto.”

    classic pussy/balls combo

  137. Napoleon Says:

    That’s the only impression I ever got of the Swedes. Busty blondes getting a good seeing-to in saunas by blonde men with moustaches called ‘Sven’. You’re telling me Sweden ain’t like that?

  138. Clarry Says:

    Pur-lease… I’m eating my dinner…

  139. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am from a vantonly decadent family, Napoleon, even by the notoriously lax Soviet Socialist standards. I’ve even tried chocolate once in 1984. Admittedly it was soy chocholate, but still.
    I might not be joking, for all you know.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t doubt it, TV.

  141. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >classic pussy/balls combo

    Ah-ha-ha! Well said, sir. It may well be the root cause of my psychosis…

  142. Swineshead Says:

    Reminder:

    Lunch reports must be with me by 2pm today.

    For my part:

    Steak pasty, bag of steak crisps and a double decker. – 9.5/10

    Quite a score to beat there – only something involving bacon really stands a chance of winning this one – unless a more exciting leftfield option comes along.

  143. indy Says:

    napoleon – you’re very close to the truth there. i might have to kill you if you get closer. knows too much = has to die etc.

    yup. blonde busty pacifists making silly pop out of historical battles going from orgy to orgy before ending our own lives at the age of 30.

  144. Swineshead Says:

    blonde busty pacifists making silly pop out of historical battles going from orgy to orgy before ending our own lives at the age of 30.

    *buys one way ticket*

  145. Napoleon Says:

    *polishes off bacon and mushroom sandwich*

    What was that?

  146. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You sure love your double-deckers, SH. I prefer Boost.
    Anyway – Brunswick ham with mustard on granary bread, Irn-Bru, a banana. Not top draw grub, maybe, but it will do nicely.

  147. piqued Says:

    Bacon and mushroom?

    Mushroom, in a sandwich? Ther can’t have been mushroom for the bacon, surely

    *smiles weakly*

    *stamps on fluffy kitten with big cock*

  148. indy Says:

    sh: i thought we had already scared you away from our place. we usually invite people to sweden to join us but then make sure they end up in denmark (looks pretty much like sweden but people are uglier and slighty more german and have continental view on hygiene). it’s just to make sure that we can have our fun on our own. a kind of anti-embassadeur system.

  149. Napoleon Says:

    *cracks open bag of Seabrook’s Worcester Sauce crisps*

    Come again?

  150. piqued Says:

    I prefer a DD over a boost TV but my favourite is kebabs

  151. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – You can slice mushrooms before you fry ’em, yeah? Yeah?

  152. piqued Says:

    “*cracks open bag of Seabrook’s Worcester Sauce crisps*

    Come again?”

    That annoyed me for some reason

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Good.

  154. Swineshead Says:

    Perfectly respectable that, TV, but only gets you a 7/10 sadly.

    Whereas Perry (who I suspect has cheated) has rushed into the lead with 9.8/10. Investigation pending.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    I may come a cropper soon, Swineshead. My choice of drink might well see me cast out of the Royal Society of Online Lunch Confessors forever …

  156. Swineshead Says:

    Well?
    Own up…

  157. Napoleon Says:

    Ahem …

    … I’m just about to make … cough cough … an …

    … espresso on a Gaggia coffee machine.

    There, I’ve fucking said it now.

  158. Swineshead Says:

    POINTS DOCKED. You are now on 7/10.
    I am now sipping an Americano which sadly also docks me points down to 6.6/10 making TV our winner.

    You’ve got to be in it to win it.

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Buggeration. From now on I’m sticking to Tizer.

  160. Nick T Says:

    Fried marinated Tofu with a chickory, chinese leaf and little gem salad.

    I know, I know….

  161. Clarry Says:

    My dinner was broccoli and stilton soup with tiger rolls, jam doughnut (although usually I have a double decker) washed down with a large mug of coffee. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  162. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What could earn a 1/10, I wonder? Houmous out of a tub? A vacuum-sealed pickled beetroot? A raw egg in a glass of milk?

  163. Clarry Says:

    God Nick’s dinner sounds fucking awful.

  164. Clarry Says:

    Bet Mingles has got dried crusts and water for his lunch.

  165. Napoleon Says:

    Nick’s dinner does sound vile, doesn’t it? Surely that’s the sort of rubbish that wins you a filthy 1/10?

  166. Toothed Varmint Says:

    This “mmmm” is penetrating…
    What’s a tiger roll, Clarry?

  167. Swineshead Says:

    We’re talking lunches Clarry – and sadly I had to edit the length of your ‘mmmm’…

    Still, the concept is the same – Nick’s food sounds fucking awful.

  168. wally bazoom Says:

    I had this sandwich from the Fig Tree Sandwich shop, which is kind of hidden on a cobbled street near the job centre. Best sandwiches in town by a mile.

    Fresh Roast Chicken
    Red AND normal onions
    All the salad
    Chunks of beetroot
    Mayo

    £2.50

    Now, the trick here is getting all that into a brown roll. Not many of the sandiwch shops can manage it, but these women slide it all in there with ease. The truly beautiful thing is that none of the contents fall out when you get started on the sandwich, a feat even the finest sandwich makers will admit defeat on. This stuff just sits there in the roll, all well behaved. Sometimes, it’s so perfect I could cry out loud.

    And that’s all today’s lunch.

  169. Swineshead Says:

    Nick’s lunch = 0/10

    And he’s probably already aware of that.

    Good for him though – it’s good to get an example of what the bottom end of the scale looks like.

    Clarry – those Tiger rolls are fucking ace. The crusty ones? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  170. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Yeah, I guess Nick’s is close to 1/10… That’s just harsh, cruel food.

  171. Clarry Says:

    Thanks SH, my Mmmmms nearly ruined everything. Soz.

    Tiger rolls are gorgeous. They are crusty white rolls but they have sesame oil in them or something and they taste a bit different. Try ’em sometime. For reason they never seem to go stale either.

  172. Swineshead Says:

    Wally – the roast chicken and two types of onion certainly started you off well. You were heading for a respectable 8 or 7 out of ten. obviously not top marks as bacon wasn’t involved.

    Then the beetroot came into play and we slipped to a 6, sadly.

    Still – your first game I believe. Hopefully you can use this experience to push on and get some bacon into your game for next time.

  173. Clarry Says:

    Surely, what with the Tiger rolls and everything my rating should be pretty darned high?

  174. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – sadly not as you’ve detailed your dinner (from last night).

    Unless you call lunch ‘dinner’ like a child might do.

  175. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve never seen tiger rolls. Are they sold in Asian shops? They sound Chinese or maybe Thai.

  176. Swineshead Says:

    They’re just a very crusty form of bap, TV. Nowt that special, but if you like a crusty bap get involved.

  177. wally bazoom Says:

    That tofu thing sounds alright, actually. I like a bit of that.

  178. Clarry Says:

    No SH, it was my lunch…

    *looks at shoes*

    In my defence though, why do people call dinner ladies, dinner ladies? Surely they should be lunch ladies?

    No TV, you can get ’em in Tesco. You can get a Tiger loaf too. They’re easy to spot as the tops are orangey brown with all white zig zags on them.

  179. ugeine Says:

    *rushes in*

    Tommy soup with cheese sarnie, dipped in the soup.

    Did I make it in time?

  180. Clarry Says:

    Tiger rolls have got sesame oil in them and they have rice paste painted on them before they are baked and that’s what makes the zig zag pattern. So I think you’ll find they are quite extraordinary!

  181. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ll check them out and report.

  182. Swineshead Says:

    My missus eats tofu like there’s no tomorrow. I have it too, if I’m skint.

    Ugeine – you did make it in time. With one minute to spare. Sadly your 4/10 makes it all hardly worthwhile.

  183. wally bazoom Says:

    Dinner ladies – because they make the dinner. They can’t make lunch because they are working at lunchtime, clearly visibly. I would have thought that a simple process of deduction would lead to this conclusion.

    NB – Dinner ladies sleep late and skip breakfast. They make big dinners so don’t bother with supper.

  184. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Sandwich dipped in soup? That sounds… errr…
    What’s the point of dipping?

  185. ugeine Says:

    Four out of ten? For the king of soups? Bah, I say, BAH.

  186. Napoleon Says:

    Tomato? The king of soup? Ho ho!

  187. Swineshead Says:

    It’s obviously not the king of soup, we established that a long time ago.

  188. Clarry Says:

    SH – I repeat, what is my ‘lunch’ rating?

    Wally – but at school they were called dinner ladies, yet they served us lunch. Me no understandy…

  189. Toothed Varmint Says:

    There’s no WAY tomato soup is the king of soups. No freaking way. It’s a bastard of a noble soup family. Soup made out of berries! That’s just not right. You may as well eat apple-and-bread soup, like some Latvian (not a joke, that, they have such a “soup” in Latvia).
    Pea-and-ham – that’s my choice. Not to mention borsch, which I won’t mention.

  190. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – apologies. I got waylaid with fury at Ugeine’s assertion that tommy soup is the king, when it’s a serf of soups. Oxtail’s the rex.

    For your broccoli soup you get only 2/10. Add the stilton and I can bump it up to a 3/10. The tiger roll adds a further 1.5 to give you an overall rating of 4.5/10. You beat Ugeine. Well done!

  191. wally bazoom Says:

    Clarry – They serve the lunch, then go home and make the dinner. If they served the dinner, they’d probably be called lunch ladies, if that’s what they made. It depends. In terms of dinner ladies, I’m guessing that someone makes them a pack up lunch to take in, the husband probably. After all – when was the last time you saw a broken hearted dinner lady?

  192. Clarry Says:

    And the jam doughnut? What’s that worth? That score is a sham!

    *calls for a stewards enquiry*

  193. ugeine Says:

    Tomatosoupaphobics, all of you!

  194. Clarry Says:

    Wally – ?

  195. Napoleon Says:

    Cocks …?

  196. Swineshead Says:

    A jam doughnut is neutral. It scores none points. It’s the celery of this system.

    Cocks?

  197. Toothed Varmint Says:

    That’s hardly a phobia, Ugeine, just disdain. The purity of the Soup must be upheld.

  198. Swineshead Says:

    Just googled ‘sexy dinner lady’ and got this:

  199. wally bazoom Says:

    How can you make the lunch if you’re giving it out? You don’t. What are you left with? Dinner. What’s your husband doing? Retired probably, in the shed. Why are you so sleepy? Cats fighting on the lawn.

  200. Clarry Says:

    How is a jam doughnut neutral? How much did you award yourself for your dd?

    Has anyone watched the vid of the forklift driver yet?

  201. ugeine Says:

    Such blatant snobbery is trademark behaviour of the tomatosoupaphobic, TV. I must take a stand. In the 1960s, a Buddhist monk set himself alight to protest the tet offensive. In order to take a stand against tomatosoupaphobia, today I will do the same.

    *sets Buddhist monk on fire*

  202. Nick T Says:

    Mine was tasty.
    What was the king of soups and was thee a queen?

  203. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ll watch all the vids later, in the privacy of my own basement. Apaches will suffice for now. But tonight…

  204. Clarry Says:

    Wally – Again ?

    Dinner ladies come to school in the mid morning and prepare the food to be eaten by the children at lunch time. The children form an orderly queue and point at various things they wish to eat and the dinner ladies dole it out to them.

  205. ugeine Says:

    People, the word ‘dinner’ changes from county to county. It can either mean supper, tea or lunch ‘dinner lady’ is the popularised version of ‘lunch lady’. A ‘dinner lady’ makes and serves the ‘dinner,’ if you live in a place where ‘dinner’ means ‘lunch’.

  206. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – all well and good but like all normal people I have my dinner at dinner time. And that puts that one to bed.

    clarry – I agree with Wally on the dinner lady thing. It’s obvious he knows his stuff.

    Jam doughnuts are neutral because the rules say they’re neutral. And if you haven’t read the rules that’s not my fault.

  207. wally bazoom Says:

    The kitchen staff prepare the food, the dinner ladies are just hired help to clear up and demand obediance in the dining halls, like prison guards. In fact, the name is misnomer – they should be referred to as dinnerTIME ladies. After 1.30 they go back to being just ladies, and ride their bikes off the premises, hooting.

  208. Clarry Says:

    No Ugeine, that’s precisely my point. I live in Lincolnshire where, people term the wenches that serve food at 12 noon in schools ‘dinner ladies’. SH is from the same place as me and yet refers to the meal served as lunch. No one on earth calls them ‘lunch ladies’.

  209. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Buddhist monks are tough as nails and twice as sharp. They are probably trained to set themselves on fire. So it’s a waste of an argument, Ugeine! And I’m not being snobbish (although I don’t see anything wrong with being a snob, yah), just firm. Firm but unfair, if you will.

  210. Swineshead Says:

    I called it dinner break when I was at school but I’m now 29 years of age, Clarry. I’ve moved on with my life. I no longer call my maternal parent ‘mum’ any more either. I call her ‘mimmer’.

    Understand?

  211. Clarry Says:

    Wally – didn’t you watch Jamie’s School Dinners? They make it and they dole it out. Anyway, that’s not the point. I@ve never, ever heard anyone call them ‘lunch ladies’ – so if you come from a place that calls the 12 noon meal ‘lunch’ why do they refer to them as dinner ladies?

    I call it breakfast > dinner > tea

    *head explodes*

  212. Napoleon Says:

    Coming from Yorkshire, I call my lunch ‘dinner’, my dinner ‘lunch’, my tea ‘dinner’, and my dinner ‘tea’. This system keeps confusion down to a minimum, I find.

  213. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Not “crab-sticks” but “crab-FLAVOURED sticks”.

  214. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone fancy a cup of dinner?

  215. Clarry Says:

    I don’t really understand why calling dinner ‘dinner’ is childish. Maybe if I said ‘dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner BATMAN!’ that would be childish. (I don’t by the way)

  216. ugeine Says:

    I had Buddhist monks queuing round the block for this, TV. The nobility and tranquil passive wisdom of the Buddhist faith means naturally they’re avid tomato soup fans. There’s a bunch of them on the way to your pad right now, with those weird nail boards they love to lay on. They’re not that bothered when their country gets taken over by an aggressive communist force, but by jingo, insult their favourite soup…

    Clarry: (Note the perfect spelling) I see what you mean. Come to think of it, they were called dinner ladies with me as well, and we ate school dinners.

  217. Swineshead Says:

    Our dinner ladies gave us hot lunches from their bumholes.

  218. wally bazoom Says:

    No, look, it’s peasy – they are the ladies of dinner time, not specifically women in dinner. Their role is to supervise others as they eat their lunch (or dinner if you like), but the point is – how can they make their own dinner (or tea)? They can’t, because they are working (at lunch). So, when they get home, they make the dinner (or snackums) and are once again restored to full LADY health, hence dinner ladies. Lunch ladies wouldn’t actually make sense at all because they don’t even make food at that time of the day (lunch / dinner). The only food they make AND eat is dinner (or tiffin).

  219. Who Says:

    breakfast > lunch > tea

    Unless consuming after 8pm then it’s breakfast > lunch > dinner

    Last night’s ‘tea’ of leftover vegetable curry and rice for lunch, realise it’s past the 2pm deadline. Soz.

  220. Clarry Says:

    U – Top marks. I noticed that Nick called me Carry the other day. What gives?

  221. Clarry Says:

    Wally – I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about anymore.

    *weeps gently over keyboard*

  222. Swineshead Says:

    Cocks?

    Cup of Dinner?

  223. ugeine Says:

    Carys was somebody who posted all the time on an old website called everyonesconnected.com. Lovely girl. Me and Nick used to post there a lot, and old habits die hard, cerlytz.

  224. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t remember the dinner ladies serving food from their bumholes. I remember the food tasting like it came from their bumholes, but I don’t recall it actually being served out of ’em. Maybe they introduced this new policy after I’d left?

  225. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ugeine, your argument doesn’t hold water because there is nothing noble or tranquil in tomato soup, nothing of the kind. If anything, it’s garish, shrill and slightly indecent, and – ultimately – not filling. So – no sir, no self-and-Buddha-respecting monk will risk his life for the sake of a bowl of, frankly, diluted and heated tomato paste.

  226. Clarry Says:

    I get Clarys, Carry, Carys and sometimes Clarry. Anymore for anymore?

  227. Swineshead Says:

    She used to post here too, but she’s buggered off recently. She rebranded as ‘Wenchy’.

  228. ugeine Says:

    It’s fairly simple. At lunch time they are withered old men serving lunch, but by serving that lunch it gives them the ability to make dinner, morphing them into super genteel ladies.

  229. wally bazoom Says:

    It is a complicated system. I think it came about in the war.

  230. Swineshead Says:

    NC – I’m sure I once walked past the kitchen at school and saw you in your blazer with your head wedged between that fat ginger dinnerlady’s ample bumcheeks. Absolutely 100% sure of it.

    It was the dinnerlady who used to shout ‘WE’RE RUNNING OUTTA CHIPS, JEAN’ like she was going into cardiac arrest right at the start of lunchbreak, every day without fail.

  231. Clarry Says:

    But I thought that dinner ladies were called so because that is the meal they are serving you…

    *continues to dig enormous hole*

    HELP ME

  232. ugeine Says:

    TV: I don’t think there’s any way we can resolve this tomato soup based argument without stockpiling vast amounts of weapons and shooting animals into the atmosphere. It’s our country’s way of doing things, you understand.

  233. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >shooting animals into the atmosphere.

    Cool! I’ll get me goat!

    (I’m actually proud of this pun).

  234. ugeine Says:

    While we’re on the subject of dinnerladies; Doris Grau R.I.P.

  235. ugeine Says:

    (lunch Lady Doris from the Simpsons)

  236. ugeine Says:

    I chuckled at that TV. Which my co-workers find odd as I’m supposed to be looking at performance graphs.

  237. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Doris died? I didn’t know that. I haven’t seen quite a lot of the latest Simpsons, actually. Nothing after season 11, I think. What happened to her? Is it canteen-related?

  238. Clarry Says:

    U- I often do that, and then attempt to cover up my tracks by developing the chuckle into a strange cough or something. DOn’t think it works very well.

  239. ugeine Says:

    TV: She died in real life. I think she got ‘retired’ like Troy McLure though.

  240. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ah, I see. I thought it was like Flanders’ wife’s death. Sorry to hear the actress died. R.I.P., indeed.

  241. Napoleon Says:

    I’d forgotten about shoving my head up that dinnerlady’s arsehole. Thanks for reminding me.

    *rings shrink*

  242. ugeine Says:

    Clarry: thankfully, I managed to pass it off as one of the people on the graph are called ‘Guy Mounter’.

  243. Nick T Says:

    Clarry, I spell many things wrong, your name is just one in a see of mishdrakes.

  244. Clarry Says:

    U – That’s almost as good as someone I graduated with who was called Wendy Ankers. She wasn’t married, so clearly her parents didn’t think that one through very well.

  245. Clarry Says:

    N – I didn’t like to say anything at the time. I am also well used to people misspelling my name, and if you knew my real name you realise why.

  246. ugeine Says:

    Heh! Wendy Ankers. Never had somebody with such a ripe for piss taking name at our school. We did have a Myia Nus at university, which was a good one.

  247. Clarry Says:

    But think of her cheque book Miss W. Ankers. People that stupid shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

  248. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I can safely say without fear of competition – when it comes to name misspelings and mispronunciations, I get the lot. I’ve got one of those multisillabled Russian surnames with “kh” sounds that you people just don’t seem to be able to wrap your tongues around. And why should you, right?
    Anyway, I am the king of mispronounced surnames. Solzhenitsyn’s got nothing on me.

  249. ugeine Says:

    Did you hear about the court case in New Zealand concerning a girl called Tulula does the hula from Hawaii?

  250. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’ve heard about a judge in Australia not allowing some parents to name their kid Friday, because the name has connotations of stupidity and subservience.

  251. Clarry Says:

    TV – I don’t have the same problems as you but I do have a Welsh name (I rose above the Welsh digs the other day) that people seem to struggle with. I also have a stupidly long surname, in fact my whole name adds up to one letter short of the alphabet (in length).

  252. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Clarry, that actually attracts me in a person. I find long names facsinating. Sometimes so are people who have them.

  253. Clarry Says:

    I also have a silent letter which people think ‘hey I know it’s got an h in there somewhere’ but where exactly is a mystery to them.

  254. ugeine Says:

    Interesting conversation. If only it wasn’t rude and inappropriate to ask people what their real names are on the net (though I have an inkling Clarry’s real name is abcdefghijklmno pqrstuvwxy)

  255. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Heh, I once lived in Wales for nearly a year. In Gwynedd it was.

  256. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Is your name Llllyynllcccgglllynclllych? I’ve heard that’s quite a popular girl’s name amongst the put-upon, chip-on-their-shoulder inhabitants of Britain’s most throwback region.

  257. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Well, my first name is kinda OK, although still frequently misspelled. It’s Alexey, which people insist on spelling Alexi. Which looks sort of weak and untrustworthy, if you ask me. I’ve got strong views on names.

  258. ugeine Says:

    Clarry and TV should get married and opt for a double barrelled surname. You’d never get cold callers again, that’s a given.

  259. ugeine Says:

    I agree, TV. Alexey is a good name (Alexey Smertin IE) while Alexi conjours up images of those girls named Susanna but call themselves suzi. *shudders*

  260. ugeine Says:

    Speaking of Russia, my friend quipped to me ‘You seen Russian football? Like 8 teams come from Moscow. How weird is that?’ I kindly pointed out that there’s been roughly 12 different London teams in the Premiership in the last 4 years, and he shut up.

  261. Swineshead Says:

    TV – are you fat, shaven headed and a scouse-marxist?

  262. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thank you, kind Ugeine. My sentiment exactly.
    But you know what, it could have been much more painful for me. I could have been called Igor – that was my parents’ choice, but my Gran insisted on Alexey (Алексей) in honor of her dead war-hero brother. I am glad she did, actually. While Igor is normal in Russia, here’s another story. I’d hear no end of frankenstein jokes for a start.

  263. Toothed Varmint Says:

    SH – yes, my hair is very short but that’s the only similarity between me and Mr Sayle. Marxism and scouse accent both give me dry heaves. Sorry to any Liverpudlians here if any, but I really don’t understand how you can make English sound so oily.

  264. ugeine Says:

    TV, is it possible (I mean an accepted social convention, or something) for a lady to be called Power Station in your region of the world, or is Stephen Fry lying to me?

  265. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Darling Mr Fry is about 50 years out of date, is all. After the Revolution it was all the rage to give children outrageous names like Elictrification, Vilena (from Vladimir Lenin) or Octiabrina, and naturally some parents went too far and called their kids something like “Great Worker” (a girl’s name, no less) and “Blooming cherry tree in Revolutionary Paradise”. So yes, there’s a kernel of truth in Stephen’s wors, but as I say, people with such names are long dead. These days it is much more likely to encounter Russians with some ancient Slavic names like Ulyana or Yelisey, then some Communist hybrid names.

  266. Clarry Says:

    TV – Personally I don’t see how a long name adds to the attraction. How many times have I stood in a pub and a bloke’s gone ‘Hey, what’s your name?’ I tell them and they usually go ‘What?’ or proceed to call me something else. My favourite response was ‘Is that Indian?’.

  267. charliemingles Says:

    FCUKIN HELL! Ive just watched the first episode of beautiful people.

    FUCKIN HELL. fucking fucking hell.

    fucking FUCKING FUCKINH HELL.

  268. Clarry Says:

    Is that a good fucking hell or a bad fucking hell CM?

  269. ugeine Says:

    That makes sense, TV. It wouldn’t be that hard a stretch of the imagination, as occupational surnames are commonplace.

  270. charliemingles Says:

    very very very bad FUICKING HELL clarry. terrible.

    i didnt realise you were indian. I said I DIDNT REELIZE YOO WERE AN INDYAAN LOVE!

  271. Toothed Varmint Says:

    For some reason it never even occured to me to watch Beautiful People. Am I homophobic? I don’t think so. However, I am a certain-type-BBC-gay-phobic, if you know what I mean. People like James Dreyfuss in that awful sitcom with Kathy Burke. In anything, really. You know? I was afraid Beautiful people would be populated by people like that. Was I right?

  272. Clarry Says:

    Ha ha, CM!

  273. Swineshead Says:

    Gimme Gimme Gimme made me laugh out loud on several occasions…

  274. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Kathy Burke is well funny, that’s true. But still, GGG was rubbish in my view.

  275. charliemingles Says:

    I watched beautiful people knowing it would be pretty shite as its by the guy that wrote gimmee gimmee. but something this terrible is practically impossible to review.

  276. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, it’s by the same guy!!! Well, no wonder I stayed clear.

  277. charliemingles Says:

    are you a gay SH?

  278. Clarry Says:

    CM – your sunshine review is up on the next page.

  279. charliemingles Says:

    that was rubbish that revoo. Evere since I fell in love Ive lost my mojo.

  280. Swineshead Says:

    As it happens, I’m not CM. Don’t make me fetch my list. You big woofter.

  281. charliemingles Says:

    ooooo. get ‘er!

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