NewsGush – Sachs, Scandal and the Sack


I was trying to avoid bringing this up as I don’t believe it deserves the oxygen of publicity – especially after the Daily bloody Mail have got their idiot paws all over it. They were bound to when there’re images of the Satanic Sluts involved. Anything that tittilates the readers whilst giving them a heart attack, right?

You know the drill – Jonathan Ross appeared on Russell Brand’s Radio 2 show, Russell Brand got ridiculously over-excited, silly phone calls were made, a nice old man called Andrew Sachs who we all remember as Manuel got upset.

The dust settles. One week later, The Daily Mail make an issue of it. Suddenly complaints are made in their hundreds and there are calls for sackings.

I’m getting stuck into a debate over here at Andrew Collins’ blog. My view is that this isn’t front page news, nobody should be sacked and that the Daily Mail is a toilet-rag.

Anyone think differently?

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163 Responses to “NewsGush – Sachs, Scandal and the Sack”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve just googled these Satanic Sluts. I’d be surprised if someone hadn’t fucked Sachs’s granddaughter, frankly.

  2. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I actually agree. It’s not news. It would have been had Sachs come over to the studio and smacked the cretins silly. Or if he had a heart attack and his dying words were “Blame Ross and Brand for my untimely demise!” As it is, it’s just another stupid stunt to make the Daily Mail readers feel outraged about the meeja. People bloody love to be outraged.
    Ross and Brand are pricks for sure, but we all knew this.

  3. Mr Chipz Says:

    It’s failing to make me feel outraged. Still, I do think it’s time Ross grew the fuck up a bit. And Brand.
    Swines, I trust you will be reviewing Dead Set? (I rather enjoyed it)

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I’m not a Daily Mail reader, but I do find Brand and Ross’s behaviour pretty distasteful. If somebody rang up my grandfather and told him they’d fucked my twenty two year old cousin, and then suggested the news may lead him to top himself, I’d tear the infantile little cunt’s head off. I wonder if you’re only dismissive of this because you like the woefully unfunny Brand?

    And that Dead Set was SHIT.

  5. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Sorry, but yeah, I do.

    Just because the Daily Mail are predictably overegging it and getting a stiffy at the same time doesn’t mean it’s right and doesn’t mean these two don’t deserve a critical kicking.

    It was boorish, hectoring and simpering; two very rich and successful men indulging in a spot of mutual masturbation to prove to each other how deliciously funny and talented they both are.

    I am actually glad it provoked a minor storm, because the people complaining are from all sides of the spectrum, fans of different types of comedy but all agreed on this; it had no value.

    I’m not offended by this – I’m a Jerry Sadowitz fan, this is positively Primary 3 compared to him – I just think it is sad. The worst part of this isn’t that it’s not funny; it’s that they genuinely thought it was (Brand apparently still does.)

    It says more about two permanent adolescents than anything on here ever could.

    What we have is yet more proof that Brand isn’t so much an attention seeker as an attention demander and that Ross will do anything to maintain the pretence that he’s mates with younger celebs.

    So not offensive, just sad.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll not be reviewing Dead Set as it was alright. It wasn’t great, but I liked the bit with the fire extinguisher.

    Not really worthy of a review as it was ok, and didn’t really fire my imagination. Maybe at the end of the series.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Seeing as I thought it was gubbins, shall I review it?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Sadowitz is a cock. I’ve met the bloke and he really is a fucking wanker who upset a lot of people who didn’t deserve to be upset the time I met him. Just to make that clear. I think anyone who is a fan of a bloke who spits at his audience is a poor judge of what’s funny and really hasn’t got much say in any of this!


    – Yes, I like Brand
    – I simultaneously dislike Ross
    – I love Andrew Sachs like everyone else.
    – I hate the Daily Mail
    – I didn’t find the clip funny (apart from the first bit where Ross shouts ‘HE FUCKED YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER) but it was a guilty chuckle

    All of this collides to make me dismissive.

    But what I think doesn’t really matter, this is one for you chaps.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I’d rather you didn’t Napoleon as I can predict your take on it. We need unity on this here site.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Actually – don’t review it. I’ll definitely review at the end of the week.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Anyway – what I think this has really made clear is that Ross doesn’t dilute comedy talent – he rips it to shreds and stamps on it. He sends it in the wrong direction. He fucks it and eats it.

    The signs were all there with Vic Reeves back in the 90s…

  12. extremelisteningmode Says:

    You can fuck off with that one Swineshead.

    “a poor judge of what’s funny and really hasn’t got much say in any of this!” Odd line for someone bemoaning the Daily Mail. Seems a view that would sit quite comfortably with their staff. ‘I don’t like someone you like so you can’t talk about stuff’.

    I think Russell Brand is about as funny as child illness but I don’t think you liking or disliking him gives you any more or less of a right to an opinion on anything.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Jesus, don’t take it so seriously ELM.

    I’m hardly going to ban you on the strength of you liking a comedian I happen to think is an ugly, unfunny cunt with a major inferiority complex and a pathetic drinking habit.

  14. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Does ANYONE like Ross? I’ve never met anyone who does, never heard any good words about him on TV or in press, everyone seems to despise the guy (deservedly, I might add). But still – he’s everywhere all the time. Weird that.

  15. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What did you mean when you mentioned Vic Reeves earlier, Swineshead? I don’t get it…

  16. Swineshead Says:

    A show of hands – who likes Ross?

    *doesn’t raise hand*

  17. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I mean I love Reeves and Mortimer, but what they have to do with Ross?

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Well, Ricky Gervais does like Ross. But so what?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Whenever Ross appeared with Vic Reeves it was like kryptonite to Reeves’s Superman. One appearance on Shooting Stars comes to mind. Ross tried to get in on Vic’s act and it didn’t work at all well.

  20. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ah fair enough. Major work-related stress day. I shouldn’t be so snippy mind, so apologies.

    I still think RB is a gimp, though.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Fair dos – I have a feeling you’re not alone in that, ELM.

    TV – are you alright? You sound like a confused Andrew Sachs.

  22. Dave Says:

    When asked if he forgave Ross n Brand he replied, ‘only God forgives’. Let’s hope he does, with a daughter in a band called ‘Satanic Sluts’. That’s pretty offensive to Christian-types isn’t it?. And I won’t even go into how the Sicillian community must curse upon Sach’s name every single day for soiling their wonderful image.

    Basically, this is a non-story. The media see the attention Woss and Brand get and want a little for themselves.

    The show was hilarious.

  23. Dave Says:

    I do not want that avatar…I look like an annoying, ginger Ronnies wannabe. Chris Evans, is he called?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    It wasn’t hilarious. Aside from that (and I can’t believe I’m typing this), Dave’s quite right that it’s a non-story.

  25. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am not from Barcelona, though…

    Thnanks for asking, Swineshead, I’m just – how do you say it? – harried. And I’ve got a cold. So, yeah. I’ll get better, I usually do.

  26. extremelisteningmode Says:

    The weird thing is how great Jonathan Ross used to be and how far he’s fallen now. Basically it’s all smut and there is nothing that depresses me more than the word ‘saucy’.

    Maybe we do all turn into sex-obsessed dirty old men? Maybe it is as simple as that?

    If so, I’m heading off down the allotment to satart practacing a suitably Carry On voice and using phrases like ‘bet you don’t get many of them to the pound’.

  27. piqued Says:

    It’s all a bit angry in here today, can’t we just all touch each other


  28. Toothed Varmint Says:

    My fingers are so cold and clammy, Piqued… Are you sure you’re up to it?

  29. Napoleon Says:

    As it stands at the minute, I have absolutely no idea what to have for my lunch. I’m wavering on the cusp of a bratwurst in a bun with some o’ that gerwurtz sauce stuff. I suppose this makes me no better than Adolf Hitler, does it?

  30. piqued Says:

    TV, I’ll warm up your digits

    Try this on for size

    *offers up acorn sized prong*

  31. Toothed Varmint Says:



  32. indy Says:

    i thought the first call was really silly but that it got better and better. the third call was really good and the part where ross and brand goes on about not repeating their mistakes was hilarious.

    but the real villain is ross, who brought it up in the first place, right?

    being from sweden i don’t know what status a sachs has in britain but i guess he is of similar popcultural importance as, let’s say, the vengaboys. is this about that he is a) a national treasure or b) an old man?

    maybe they should start a new show where brand does his version of earl hickey’s list and gives calls to people whose granddaughters he has…

  33. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What sort of sauce is it, Napoleon?
    I think I’ll have a Cornish pasty.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Can I delegate the lunch assessment task to someone else? NC?

  35. Napoleon Says:

    Gerwurtz? It’s a sort of light curry sauce favoured by the Krauts. You get it put on your sausage along with that spineless mustard they eat when you buy a sausage from one o’ them vans at Christmas markets.

  36. piqued Says:

    Indy, Sachs is famous as Manuel in Fawlty Towers, he hardly falls into ‘National Treasure’ status but I suppose he’s seen quite fondly.

    Personally I couldn’t give a fucking shit either way.

  37. Dave Says:

    Ross outclassed Brand all the way through. But I think that’s because Ross is a broadcasting bully and likes the sound of his own voice. Mark Llama did right to him on Buzzcocks when he shouted the fucker down.

  38. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thank you. Another first for me. I’m still looking for tiger rolls…

  39. ugeine Says:

    I like Brand, and I like Ross. I think that if anybody rang up somebody and said those things in real life it would be quite offensive, especially the ‘I shagged your granddaughter’ bit, and they shouldn’t get any special treatment. That’s my view on how they acted.

    However, one thing I find more offensive is faux outrage orchestrated by newspapers. If you were listening to the show, and you were offended, you’ve got the right to complain. If you weren’t listening but read about it and found their behaviour offensive, complain about it. My problem isn’t with people, moreso the Mail for making a storm. When you count the fact that they hate the BBC anyway it feels a bit contrived.

  40. Toothed Varmint Says:

    How did Ross start out? Was he on Channel 4?

  41. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Ugeine, people just love to be outraged about something. Don’t you love to feel outraged about stuff?

  42. indy Says:

    piqued: exactly. i’ve been to spain (catalonia!) and seen one too many drunken northern europeans doing the “i know nooothin'” routine to waiters, taxi drivers, male prostitutes down the rambla as well etc to appreciate that man. serves him well.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    You’re skiving your luch examination duties, Swineshead? Bit cowardly of you, eh? A bit … French?

  44. ugeine Says:

    TV: It makes me really angry that people get outraged at things. Really, really angry. Outraged, in fact.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t say I’m outraged by this whole shebang. I just think it’s a bit of a cuntish thing to do to an old fella. You know how grandads are about their grandkids – thinking they’re all sweetness ‘n’ light … regardless of whether the grandkids are in bands with the word ‘sluts’ in their name. For shame, etc.

    I do think it’s a bit strong for folk to demand their dismissal. I can think of plenty of reasons why these talentless twerps should get the boot – just not for this.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with you on that NC. It was cuntish and thick. But sackings shouldn’t be kneejerk things, they should be for the campaign of tedious television Ross has offered for the past few years.

  47. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Would’ve been much funnier if they phoned someone unpopular, like John Prescott or Jade Goody.
    Or Vinnie Jones.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, I definitely wouldn’t go along with sackings. There’s far worse crimes inflicted on the viewing and listening public than their childish shenanigans. If people think Brand and Ross are the most offensive thing on Radio 2, they should try listening to Elaine Page’s fucking show. I’d have her birched for that atrocity. And don’t get me started on Aled Jones …

  49. Napoleon Says:

    TV – You can’t have a go at Jade ‘The Racist’ Goody at the minute, as she has fump cancer. Give her time to recover before you ring up the pig-faced, bigoted dickwit and call her an arse.

  50. Edna Welthorpe Says:

    I’m nuzzling up to Napoleon in agreement on this one. Anyway, Ross is too powerful; I’ve heard VERY reliable stories about him nastily wielding his power over those who arent’ number one in Media Guardian’s power 100 list.

  51. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Oh, yeah, cancer, I forgot. She’s so BRAVE, isn’t she?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Google Search of the day goes to…

    jonathan ross is awful

    Congratulations to the google searcher who weirdly typed in something relevant to find us. It’s a rare occurance.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    ‘The Media Guardian’s Power 100 List’? I imagine if you went to St. Paul’s cathedral, descended into the crypt and spoke those words in between the tombs of Nelson and Wellington, the two would come roaring from their graves and strangle you on the spot.

  54. indy Says:

    i think the “soft target angle” was exactly what was great about the whole thing. mr sachs is a very unlikely target for this kind of prank and that’s what made me laugh. the pointlessness is the humour.

    and i can’t wait til the day in 2065 when the elderly mr brand listens to his own answering machine and hears some one shouting that he or she has shagged brand’s grandchildren.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Speaking of offensive things: I was offended that Girls Aloud appeared on the telly the other day to sing their excellent new song wearing clothes. I found it highly offensive that these girls weren’t nude (even the ginger one nobody likes).

    Ooo! An ice cream van! I’m off for a 99, me …

  56. indy Says:

    “they’re justified and they’re ancient and they drive an ice cream van”

  57. Napoleon Says:

    And then they went and acted like twats by burning a million quid.

  58. indy Says:

    …and made a film about it and showed it to the people of sarajevo in the days of the balkan wars. art.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Art, was it? Not a fucking waste of money that could have gone to a charity, then? I didn’t realise it was art – my mistake.

    ‘S’gone a bit quiet in ‘ere, eh?

  60. Who Says:

    Girls Aloud burnt a million quid? When?

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Fancy doing us a ‘just a thought’, NC?
    We’ll save Dead Set till Friday as agreed, mind…

  62. Clarry Says:

    What I don’t get about this whole furore is that the show was pre-recorded, so surely it’s the person that okayed its output that should be in troubs? They obviously didn’t find it all that offensive, which kinda goes to show how ridiculously it’s been blown out of proportion a week or so later. They say that there’s been 1,500 complaints about it and I bet about 1, 450 of those complaints came yesterday after it was broadcast on the news.

    Talking of ridiculous lyrics… That Wire to Wire song’s a piece of shit, what is this supposed to mean? It didn’t help that when I heard it, that I thought he was saying a ‘face full of rust’. Even still, how desperately was he trying to think of something to rhyme with trust?

    How do you love with fate full of rust?
    How do you turn what the savage take?
    You`ve been looking for someone you can trust
    Who will love you, again and again

    TV – Go to Tesco for the tiger bread. Also, did you manage to watch that silly forklift safety video yet?

  63. Napoleon Says:

    A ‘Just A Thought’? Well I was just about to nip to Sainsbury’s to get some lunch. I’ve only had a 99 today, and that’s not going to win me any prizes in your complicated food game. D’ye mind if I do one when I get back (should be an hour tops)?

  64. Swineshead Says:

    I’m sure I can allow you to fill your pot-belly… but be swift.

  65. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Clarry, I only have M&S and Waitrose in my vicinity… Does it make me a posh twat? I am determined, though. I WILL find tiger rolls even if it entails boldly going to the place, where the unwashed come to buy their mucky sustenance…
    I am talking bollocks, of course. We have a Tesco Express, but they don’t have tiger rolls there.
    As for the video – I watched it and recommended it to everyone I could think of. Thank you!

  66. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’d listen to “Thought for the Day” with either or both of you. On Radio 4.

  67. Clarry Says:

    TV – I’m fairly certain that you could get either the rolls or the loaf version in a Tesco Express – just look in the freshly baked section not the ordinary bread aisle.

  68. indy Says:

    sachs crime. cri-cri-cri-crime

    *singing in a very low voice while assisting danish caveman to get his outlook in to “online” mode*

  69. ugeine Says:

    Quarter Pounder, fries and a coke from everybody’s favourite evil coproration, McDonalds.

    *throws down the gauntlet*

  70. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Cornish pasty, cream-soda, Wispa.

  71. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’m soooo happy that Wispa is back! They need to bring Wispa Gold back too, though.

  72. indy Says:

    fish and chips with remoulade sauce and lemon slice. served with sallad buffet.

  73. Dave Says:

    Dairylea sandwich, 2 apples and a packet of Worcester Sauce French Fries.

    Oh yes.

  74. charliemingles Says:

    bananas on toast: the breakfast of champions.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently the BBC face a £250,000 fine for Brand’s phone call. Piqued told me that with his words.

  76. charliemingles Says:

    As has probably been said already by someone else:

    Listening to it as it went out, I thought the whole thing was really funny ( apart from the shit song) but I think its fair enough if old sachy was offended.

    Is it true that they asked his permission before broadcasting it though? if so, thats a much more interesting story. and if so – whats the devious old cunt up to?

  77. Swineshead Says:

    I heard it in context on the podcast and I was amused. I’ve stopped reading about it now, it’s all become a bit silly.

  78. charliemingles Says:

    I dont really read daily newspapers. I only knew it was a big story when I turned on R4’s PM and – on the nations flagship news-show in amongst credit crunch, war and the upxoming us election – the headline story of the day was ‘ russel brand shags manuels grand-dauighter.’

    I thought the sun had got their own pirate radio station. fun story though. I bet JR feels as if hes woken up like the old days with a bad hangover.

  79. piqued Says:

    ‘Dairylea sandwich, 2 apples and a packet of Worcester Sauce French Fries.

    Oh yes.’

    Oh yes? I’d keep that fucking quiet if I were you Dave

  80. Dave Says:

    Why, Piqued? Because I packed myself the lunch of a small child?

  81. Napoleon Says:

    I note my comment never turned up on Collins’s site. I assume it was because it was silly.

  82. Dave Says:

    That happens to me most days, even when I sneak some Collins celebration in at the end to bamboozle him.

    SH could learn much from AC, I reckon.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve just polished off a roast beef ‘n’ mustard baguette, an ENORMOUS bag of pretzels and a can of Vimto.

  84. charliemingles Says:

    I get the feeling hes been overwhelmed, though never knowlingly, by comments on that subject.

    Does anyone know whether the rumour ( is it rumour or has it been confirmed) that sachs agreed to the broadcast is true?

    PS: I loved fawlty towers but always thought manual was shite.

  85. piqued Says:

    See Dave, now that’s a fucking lunch

    (save the Vimto)

  86. ugeine Says:

    ‘Is it true that they asked his permission before broadcasting it though?’

    Good point, surely they would have had to have asked?

  87. charliemingles Says:

    my bananas on toast has just been followed by pork and leek sausages, overcooked to black and served with plain white bread and ketchup.

    A cool glass of milk and a chelsea bun to follow.

  88. GBB Says:

    I just love the quote in this morning’s Metro…”Asked if he had forgiven Ross, [Sachs] replied ‘It is God who forgives'”

    Forget anything you’ve done in the past Jonathan and Russell, thy art going to hell for this!

    Oh, and I agree with you.

  89. charliemingles Says:

    yes. surely theyre legally obliged to ask his prermission?

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – They don’t understand, do they? Up there in their ivory towers …

    Now then … I see it’s all kicking off again in the Russell Brand / Jonathan Ross scandal. Apparently the politicians have started wading in now; demanding these two be sacked. On hearing that news, I’ve warmed to Herr Ross and Herr Brand considerably.

  91. ugeine Says:

    As far as I know (and my knowledge of the workings media law and the radio rival that of Dave’s Dairylea Sandwich), it would depend on the nature of the sketch. I haven’t heard it, were they listening to his answer phone and then left a message with a few wisecracks in it?

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Apart from being vile, what’s wrong with Vimto?

  93. piqued Says:

    Yes, he gave permission before he checked his phone

    Act in haste repent at leisure, still, as pointed out in the unpublished comment on Collins blog, won’t do her any harm when she appears in Heat, Closer, Grazia and The News of the World for the next fucking year with exclusives on her opinion will it…

    World, Georgina Baillie, Georgina Baillie, judging by what you do for a living, here is the exposure you so desperately crave.

  94. piqued Says:

    (not to mention £££££££££££££££££££££££££’s)

  95. ugeine Says:

    So he gave them permission without actually finding out what he was giving them permission for?

  96. piqued Says:

    they’re good though aren’t they, the Satanic Sluts, here performing in front of a packed crowd of two, maybe?

  97. piqued Says:

    Oooh, is gr8, reely gr8

  98. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – You share the same fate as Dave and I when it comes to unpublished comments on Collins’s’ blog, eh? P’raps we should start up a support group?

    “Hello, my name’s Napoleon, and it’s been three months since that rat Collins deemed my comment worthy of his attention.”

  99. piqued Says:

    The comments suddenly stopped, he may have nipped out for a long poo

  100. ugeine Says:

    Northamptonians tend to be hard moderators. I once kicked a child in the shins for not reading the forum rules.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    PR Stunt?

  102. Swineshead Says:

    Collins is probably away from his computer, I wouldn’t fret.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    He could be having a poo … I didn’t think of that. It’s either that or he’s swanned off to his ivory tower to eat sturgeons, swans and oysters with his high-falutin’ showbiz mates. Hasn’t the time to scrub it down ‘ere with the rubbish, see? Too big for his boots, that’s his problem.

    I’d have him flogged.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    I see he’s now published the missing comments. I retract my previous demand for him to be flogged.

  105. ugeine Says:

    My final verdict on Brandgate:

    Brand: Probably should have realised such a joke isn’t quite right to do about somebody you don’t know too well, and then broadcast such a joke. Then again, it was more of a faux par then an actual insult and we all make mistakes.

    Manuel: Probably should have checked what was been broadcast before agreeing but as he’s been in the biz since the 70s and it’s a radio 2 show you can’t blame him for not checking. The ‘victim’ to Brand’s faux par. Is it moral justice for portraying Manuel, who wasn’t the most flattering portrayal of Spanish people ever?

    Brand’s radio show people: Again, they can hardly have expected to have caused such an uproar but should have been more careful, as you’d expect having Brand they’d be used to such things…

    The Daily Mail: absolutely no qualms with whipping up a meeja frenzy instead of proper journalism, which is the worse thing about brandgate.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Nobody seems to have mentioned the fact Sachs was happy to be booted up the arse and have a spoon whacked into his forehead on national television back in the 70s. It’s the double standards of these ‘celebrities’ that gets my goat.

  107. charliemingles Says:

    quote from sachs, apparantly just in:

    “I wasn’t attacked in any way. People are writing and talking about it, quite rightly. I am sorry that I am involved in it – I’m just fed up talking about it. I love the BBC. I have worked for them for over 50 years and I continue to work for them. Sometimes things can go wrong.””

  108. Swineshead Says:

    NC – Quite fucking right. He was also locked in a wicker basket with a corpse for half an hour – what right has he to complain about any of this?*

    *even though he hasn’t really complained much.

  109. ugeine Says:

    Holy crap, Brand punched him?

  110. charliemingles Says:

    I agree Napoleon. And dont forget that time he almost burnt the hotel down. the man is obviously deranged.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t love the BBC. Last night the bastards had the audacity to steal the ending of The Wild Geese lock, stock ‘n’ barrel and shove it at the end of Spooks! The cunts!

  112. ugeine Says:

    I love the BBC.

  113. charliemingles Says:

    NEWS JUST IN: apparantly brand has also just admitted to shagging mrs richards whilst herds of wildebeast were sweeping magestically through the hanging gardens of babylon.

    you cant make this stuff up!

  114. Napoleon Says:

    The BBC wants birching, Ugeine, BIRCHING! What next? Half-inch large chunks of The Heroes of Telemark and shove ’em in New Tricks?

  115. ugeine Says:

    ‘You couldn’t make it up’ is my favourite ironic catchphrase. The irony is Richard Littlejohn does, in most cases, make it up.

  116. piqued Says:

    Sorry NC, I hereby fine you £250,000 for BRANDing the BBC ‘cunts’

  117. charliemingles Says:

    what end bit exactly Napoleon? the cenotaph stuff?

  118. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve heard from a trustworthy source that he also assisted Polly in drawing an unflattering portrait of a hotel owner.

    He was also responsible for the shambolic supporting wall demolition by Mr O ‘Reilly – disreputable Torquay-based builder.

  119. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon, how can you attack something with ‘British’ in the name? If our majestic broadcasters want to nick an ending off of a film (a film that I’m fairly certain was about Irish people, I may add), then who are we to stop them?

  120. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I love the BBC but Spooks are shite of the highest order. Or lowest, whichever is more apt.

  121. Toothed Varmint Says:

    A female Chechen assasin called Tranquility. Fucking morons.

  122. ugeine Says:

    It rolls off the tongue a bit easier then ‘mighty powerhouse of great socialist revolution’ TV.

  123. Swineshead Says:

    A comment on Andrew Collins’ site regarding yours truly. Is this woman drunk?

    At Tue Oct 28, 03:29:00 PM , Joanne said…

    Swineshead – She’s a *burlesque dancer*, not a prostitute or a murderer…or even a satanist or a slut (i’m sure the Daily Mail would have found out about that by now if it had any basis in reality).

    Perhaps her grandfather is open minded about this. Perhaps what he takes issue at is a man telling the entire nation that he has “fucked” her.

    Can you really not see the difference there?

    Also, i’m getting really tired of your jibes at Andrew. It is dull, predictable and pathetic seeing your username and knowing you are going to try to stick the knife in.

    You clearly despise him for whatever ridiculous reasons, so why do you bother reading his blog and listening to his podcast?

  124. ugeine Says:

    Irk the purists, irk the purists, irk the purists it’s a right good laugh…

  125. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Stop despising Andrew Collins, Swineshead! It’s ridiculous, predictable and dull!

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Charlie …

    Wild Geese ending:

    Faulkner arrives at his friend and colleague’s son’s public school to inform the boy of his father’s death. He finds the boy playing rugby in a red and yellow striped shirt. The boy turns, sees Faulkner and, without a word, realises his father is dead. The film ends with Faulkner placing his hand on the boy’s shoulder.

    Spooks ending:

    Harry arrives at his friend and colleague’s son’s public school to inform the boy of his father’s death. He finds the boy playing rugby in a red and yellow striped shirt. The boy turns, sees Harry and, without a word, realises his father is dead. The programme ends with Harry embracing the boy.


  127. charliemingles Says:

    no such thing as bad publicity SH, you should know that.

    I expect to see your centrespread in the new of the world this weekend.

    I can loan you a basque if you need one.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t help myself. I just love to stick the knife in, even when in complete agreement with a bloke whose opinion I tend to sympathise with! It’s insane!

  129. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think that Joanne bothered to either read or understand what you were saying, Swineshead. We all know what birds are like when it comes to logic, eh lads? Lads?

  130. Swineshead Says:

    CM – Basque – yes please, so long as it’s stained.

    NC – LIST.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    List? What are you on about?

  132. charliemingles Says:

    it is stained SH. Stained with the tears of a thousand lonely nights.

    will that do?

  133. Toothed Varmint Says:

    >myriad of offensive humour on the internet

    Lovely turn of phrase, Joanne.

    I wonder if me laughing at English people’s semantics is akin to Charlie Brooker scolding everyone for taking a piss out of celebs.

  134. ugeine Says:

    To be fair to Charlie, I don’t remember him ever sticking a knife into a celebrity for anything to do with their personal life.

  135. Swineshead Says:

    What you said, NC, was thoroughly sexist about those sexy womenfolk who – and let us never forget this – are so useful in the kitchen.

  136. Dave Says:

    Isn’t phoning up celebrity grandads and claiming to have shagged their grandaughter really the last taboo we have?

    What with all the satanist sluts running around, there’s not much for controversial comedians to punch for these days.

  137. charliemingles Says:

    And lets not forget cleaning the bathroom SH. my ex-girlfriend used to get a really lovely fluffy sweet-smelling effect on all the bath towels. I always wondered how she acheived this. apparantly – she washed them.

    marvelous stuff.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Oh, that. Well if you get any complaints, send the birds my way and I’ll answer their twittering nonsense on a case-by-case basis.

    I reckon this Joanne secretly wants to fellate you, by the way.

  139. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I love the womens, me. They soft and smell nice.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    Bit of a sweeping statement, TV. My Great Auntie Irene has skin like a lizard’s, and stinks of piss.

  141. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I’m just being unsexist, Napoleon. Can a chap be unsexist once in a while? I find it strangely exiting.

  142. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’m the best-qualified person to answer that one, TV. You Russian boob.

  143. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I love boobs!

    tired, tired… It’s hard to be unsexist, I tell ya.

  144. ugeine Says:

    ‘(Oh, and for the record, I know that Swineshead loves me really, and although it’s sweet of you to defend my honour, Joanne, and I appreciate it, in this case I know there’s no real malice involved. It’s just lively cut and thrust.)’

    *eyes well up*

    Oh, you guys…


  145. Dave Says:

    Elves in the woodlands marching to the tune of a tamberine hidden within the valleys of the uncorns that sway with the butterfly people and marmalade kings the squirrel pigeons and the acorn rings in the world of crayons and daffodil fairies IN THE LAND OF MAKEBELIEVE!!!!!

    Andrew Collins, I respect you and your amazing career in broadcasting, writing and bein enthusiastic about everything and anything.

    Oh, wait. Wrong blog.

  146. ugeine Says:

    Dave, I think you’re supposed to wait for a few hours before taking another couple of spoons of cough medicine.

  147. charliemingles Says:

    BBC Radio Controller offers grovelling apology:

  148. charliemingles Says:

    sue pollards in that clip. I seem to remember some really fascinating anecdote about sue pollard from somewhere …

  149. Swineshead Says:

    That reminds me of a rather amusing story I heard not so long ago. Keep it between us, boys, and I’ll let you in on this little tale. Mum’s the word.

    A friend of my mate’s shagged Su Pollard’s Granddad’s granddaughter.

    *slaps thigh*

  150. Who Says:

    Oh god, not the Sue Pollard story again. We’re all tired, had a drink, etc, etc.

  151. charliemingles Says:

    ah, I never tire of the pollard anedote.

    *wipes away a wimsical tear*

  152. charliemingles Says:

    whimsical even

  153. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Some drug-fuelled shit smashed into my housemate’s car last night outside my room at 1am. SMASH.

    And I, Dave, recorded the license number and ran down the street in my boxers to get the number off a man with a dog who also noticed it. No idead, in retrospect, why I did the latter. SMASH.

  154. charliemingles Says:

    thats a fascinating anecdote dave. but its still not up there with the marvelous pollard piece. Youre merely doddery old peter ustinov to Swineshead’s suave witty david niven.

  155. Nick of the T Says:

    It was very funny.

    The old man should have been in.
    He was supposed to be publicising some shit show on tv that he was in.

    Fucking rude I call it.

    I’m still away from my desk but I’m watching you ….with my eyes.

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Did I happen to mention I once saw Trigger at a railway station, Del Boy in a castle, Rodney by a canal, Mike sitting in a deck-chair, Boycie in a traffic jam and Uncle Albert in a tiny little shop in the West Country? That’s much better than his rotten old Sue Pollard story.

  157. charliemingles Says:

    I once stood next to steve coogan for 10 minutes. regular readers of my blog will have already heard this fascinating anecdote.

  158. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – Are you trying to trump my Only Fools & Horses collection? If so, I’ll up the ante by saying Uncle Albert bought a tin of tomatoes, and sounded like an effeminate 18th century aristocrat when he thanked the shopkeeper.

    Collins has discarded another of my comments. That’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back in my book. I’m going to war with that man on ITTODBTBIA next week.

  159. Devlin Christie Says:

    I have to agree with you. However, as far as I am aware, the paper from which the Daily Mail is made is not soft enough to be used as a toilet rag by many of us.

  160. charliemingles Says:

    you win NC. I look forward to your groundless attack on sweet-natured mister collins.

  161. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:

    Hey, how come we’re spelling oxygen with an ‘i’ now?

  162. Swineshead Says:

    We’re not – have you gone MAD?

    Nice to see you around… even if your first comment in years is a criticism!

  163. Ms. Tilly Anne Fortescue-Smythe Says:


    The devil is in the details. Ask Goebbels.

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